He works as a pipe fitter, but I don’t know how long that can go on. The house we helped him get is always trashed, with beer cans, cigarettes. He didn’t grow up like that. The ex won’t let him see his kids and because she is angry, she won’t let us see them either.

My husband and I are in our late 50′s. We are so damn tired and so hurt. Because of our son’s many years of self destruction, it has taken its toll. We need help. I am going to try to find an Al-Anon meeting in our area. I mean, we have nothing else to lose.

I’m coming to a lot of new realizations this evening and one of them is that my life is unmanageable, that I need Al-Anon, my children deserve a better and happier home life, and whether I cannot fix or help my husband I can and will help myself and my children. My first step is to attend the first meeting I can find.

I have huge problems with my self-esteem and I can’t trust anyone. I just feel my “perfect life” (which I started to build right after I moved away from home when I was 16) is falling apart. I hope this helps me to recover and find a new way in my life. Thank you.

I don’t know what to do and what to do to help him. I called the AA here in my country and they told me about Al-Anon, but we don’t have it in my country, so I tried to seek it online and I am so happy to have found this site, and right now I am listening to all the podcasts and learning from it.

My third son is going to have to kick my first son out of his house. He informed me he (first son) has also returned to a meth addiction he has struggled with in the past. My third son is also struggling to get healthy on his own, has his own addictions with prescription drugs and alcohol.

We all support the third son’s decision, but are so afraid for the pain it will cause the first son. I pray it will be a huge wake-up call, instead of just pain. This is heart-wrenching for my third son, because he dearly loves his brother, but he feels he can’t go on living with his older brother.

I am grateful for the serenity I am beginning to learn from Al-Anon and my higher power over this situation. My biggest fear, besides the death and destruction of my oldest son’s health, is that he will lose his son who is now 7. He only sees him 4 times a month, which we all as a family fought for. He is mostly sober when he watches him, but his drinking and drugging are escalating right now.

I usually help him with the grandson, but I am living in another state right now, partly because I have such a hard time detaching when I live near my children, and it was affecting me in such a negative way. Someone mentioned visualizing them healthy and that is something I am going to starting doing every time the fear starts up. I visualize a fit, healthy man, not drinking or drugging, happy, stable with a job and car and home and a loving and close relationship with his son.

All my sons are beautiful people, but all three have issues with drinking and drugs. Their father is and was a habitual pot-smoker that changed and changes his behavior in a very negative way. He was very abusive when they were growing up and continues to be abusive at times, especially to my oldest son–especially when my sweet loving son turns into someone else, a violent abusive man, when he drinks.

There is so much love in our close family even through all of this. We are all trying to deal with how alcohol and drugs have affected things. I am so grateful to Al-Anon and am looking forward to working this program and fighting for my own serenity–and to support in a healthy, lovingly detached way, all of my children as we all work on our individual recovery from this disease.

My daughter seems to know more about detaching with love and helps me, even though she knows nothing about these principles! And I pray our whole family grows closer through all of this.

I tried to lie to cover up his drinking, but I wasn’t good at it and folks knew, so again I failed. My kids were having problems in school and I couldn’t help them, so I was a failure as a mother. I now know I did the best that I could for the situation I was in and my kids are doing fine.

It was just my expectations on how life should have been 100% perfect and no one’s life is. There is always something lacking, but that is not my failure.

After all the years of not being able to trust him, I couldn’t bring myself to try to trust him again because I was afraid of him failing. I finally got the courage to tell him and he was angry and hurt but after a while he understood. It took a long time before I finally was able to put my trust in him again.

I won’t say my trust issues are cured, because once in a while I find myself trying to go down that path agai–that is when I know that I have skipped too many meetings. Thank you for all your comments.

He went out to use yesterday morning, to my complete shock. I’m sure of this because I tried the hospitals and his friends already. He was supposed to take his 1st cake in a couple of weeks.

I’ve already been through a relapse with him. He had just over 6 months clean and I ended up taking my own suggestion and not that of my AA sponsor’s–She told me that he loves alcohol more than me. I took him back on one condition–that he not use again.

But this cunning, baffling and powerful disease has taken him along with my hopes and dreams. I am afraid for him because his medication is here and he has a bad reaction if not taken and along with the crack binge he’s on, I truly fear for his life. I am still in shock–all I can do is put it all in God’s hands.

I am having a really difficult time with my husband right now, and our marriage is in a very precarious state right now. We often fight because I don’t trust my husband and he is always saying how much I am “hurting him” by not trusting him, but I have often trusted him, given him the “benefit of the doubt” only to find out that he had been hiding things from me–his drinking, his porn, his relationships online. I feel as if I can’t ask him about anything that he does because he always takes everything I ask him as a “personal attack” and shuts down until he goes and gets drunk and then it all comes out with such rage.

I would like to be able to trust people that I come in contact with every day. I have no friends, because I isolate myself to keep all the “drama” that comes from others away from me.

I am in so much pain. I don’t know what to do about how desolate I feel inside sometimes, even when I ask the Creator to lend me the strength to try to sort things out, I just don’t feel as if I am equipped to even start as there has been so much during my entire life. I am destroying my marriage because of all the other emotional (trust) issues that are present.

I plan on spending more time listening to the podcasts and reading the comments, as it has helped in just the few days that I have been checking it out. I think I might be able to get some help in dealing with the things that make my life so empty and cold.

My husband and I accepted her back home after a long relationship. She has a naltrexone implant, also medication that stops the desire to drink. I said to her once you no longer have these you will need AA more, but she knows it all.

I am in my 60′s and find it’s all too hard and am so stressed, at the same time I love her so much. She is very irresponsible too. Her father died in his 50′s due to alcohol, and most of his family are alcoholics. I plan to go yo Al-Anon, but after all these years of trying to help I feel I can’t cope anymore. I suffer depression more because of it. I hope I can find some help.

I haven’t attended my first Al-Anon meeting yet. My husband is not in recovery.

I have realized that this is not about me. That he is drinking because of his own issues.

Now, if I can just get myself to a meeting.

After a few months, he started staying with us (me & my young teen-age son). Life was wonderful. He was the man of my dreams!! Eventually, he started buying liquor & having one or two ‘on the rocks’ at night. Wasn’t an issue, very in control. He had a few evenings of big drunks when out with a buddy, who would bring him home, pour him out in the driveway & leave the rest up to me.

The worst part is that when out, he would not answer his phone, no response to text msgs, nothing. I had no idea where he was or what was going on. That threw my emotions into a tail spin–from really angry, to worried, to untrusting, back & forth & all around. The next day, all would go on as normal.

This happened few & far between, so I tucked away the hurt and anger. Sometimes we would have serious talks. He claimed he wanted to cut back, make things better. I offered my love and support. There were at times, 4-6 months in between serious drunks. But, every time, the same cycle–discuss change, good for a while, then another downhill slide.

Yet, here we are again, now in the most serious downhill slide thus far. He states he sees where he was at before he went to jail (in that dark place), lying ahead of him, doesn’t want to go there, but doesn’t want to stop either. Doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care. Has been on three major drunks in the last week and every time there is a dicussion or argument about it, he wants to go, go, go–got to go, got to get away. Tells me I have done nothing wrong and he loves me very much.

I ask if he wants to be in a relationship for us or does he want his life for himself. He claims he wants us. Never any apologies, though, as he doesn’t feel he is doing anything wrong. He states this is who he is & he is not going to change. But this is not the man I fell head over heals in love with.

When he is sober, he is wonderful–funny, caring, compassionate. He & my son are on a roller coaster–getting along, laughing, having conversation, working well together one minute, then rolling to the extreme opposite, almost as if they hate each other, the next.

I need help. I am depressed, have anxiety attacks, working non-stop to please him, so concerned with making him happy that I am absolutely exhausted and miserable. I sit back & ask “What about me?” but there doesn’t seem to be room for me. So many different emotions, it is overwhelming. Never any physical pains, strictly the emotional.

Sometimes when he is drunk he will be very emotional & loving, other times he completely shuts off, no care for how he is hurting or alienating others.

I am afraid to go to any meetings, simply out of the fear of losing him when he finds out. I feel helpless, I want to fix it. My mind tells me there is nothing I can do, except to be here when he hits rock bottom, love him & support him.

My heart is torn between staying or moving on.
I ask God to guide me and give me strength. There is so much clutter in my head, I can’t tell if it is God telling me to move on or the devil pointing me down the wrong path.

I hope I can learn how to help myself & my son, to bring us peace & happiness in all this, without my significant-other knowing.

I wanted love so badly that I have gone so far as to beg a man on my knees not to leave me–people used to say I needed to learn to love myself, but that just made me even more angry.

I married emotionally unavailable people and then tried to help them to be loving–and they are today.

I sometimes wonder why I have the father of my children dying after a liver transplant, and hysterical but very together sons–and the step father died last year–so although I am not very fond of change, in fact I resist it, it happens. People die and they do not listen unless you really speak from the heart–and they might not that day, but later on they will think about it.

All the people in the rooms that helped me to love myself are so many. I had to decide for myself what was right for me. The Steps are a process which includes anyone who is damaged or wounded–anyone who needs a new direction, and tools for socializing with people we may not like or agree with–that are the same as we are.

My sadness is that out of four husbands, three are dead to alcoholism–so how do I in Al-Anon detach with love–they are teaching me how. Aloha.

Now we have a baby and he has gone to rehab, but to no avail–He swears up and down and swears on his life that he is not drinking, but I am wiser now and he’s drunk all the time, and I find his bottles. I finally told him the next time he drinks, he has to leave. He insisted I could not make him leave because his name is on the lease (as well as mine, yet I pay for everything).

I did catch him and I told him that I will file a restraining order against him with a kick-out order to make him leave (which will affect his vistation with his teenage daughter, should she decide to ever visit him–even she is done with him). His other alternative is he could just choose to leave on his own and I will not have to file anything.

His mother came down (granted, this is a 40-year-old man we are talking about) and helped him financially find a place to stay and get comfortable, and is treating me badly, as if I am being mean. That is so incredibly hurtful because she was married to his father, who was also an alcoholic, so why is she acting like I am the bad person and rescuing her son?

I love my boyfriend and did NOT want him to leave (especially with a baby…I need help with him), but I had to follow through with my word or get sucked into the same cycle over and over again. I even invited her to attend an Al-Anon meeting with me (after helping her son leave) and to visit with her grandson and she promised she would call me and never did.

And I’m not even mad at my boyfriend. I think he really wants to stop drinking and tries but can’t. I feel more sad for him than mad, but no one should be mad at me. I did the right thing, despite what my heart wants.

He was diagnosed with bipolar. He has not gotten the help he needs mentally. In the past 6 months he has messed up 4 times with drinking. So now every time he comes home smelling like a mechanic, he doesn’t have time to get in the door without me being defensive and accusing.

I just want to let it go and trust him again. I can’t live my life in fear of when he falls apart. I hope therapy will help us. I feel bad for my 14-year-old son, having to deal with us. Peace to y’all.

All my nagging, manipulating, and mothering was not helping. I could not trust him; lies easily flowed out of his mouth. I had learn to concentrate on cleaning up my “garbage”–I have plenty. My recovery was mine; his was his. It is hard to detach and live my life for me and stay on my side of the street. Trusting him is not as hard if I learn to trust myself.

The main feeling I have tonight is total disappointment. I really love the Conference Approved Literature book, “Transforming Our Losses,” which deals specifically with loss and grief. This CAL has helped me process the grief that comes from living with an alcoholic–the loss of the dream.

Tonight on New Years Eve, I want to look ahead and know that I create my own dream, and not my alcoholic. I can’t find that in him.

My husband doesn’t have an off switch. After reading these entries I see many aspects of my own behavior that have been both loving and destructive.

When I met my husband, 17 years ago, he had 13 years of sobriety. After two years of marriage he started to drink beer. It has been escalating up and down for the past 10 years. I have been his drinking partner throughout this time. I seem to be able to pick it up and put it down at will. Drinking with him has not been helpful.

Now I will go to a meeting to begin to hear about what I need to do to take care of myself, regardless of whether or not he chooses to join me in a life of peace and sobriety.

My husband is an alcoholic of many years. I am tired of the lies. However, the embarrassment that is caused by the alcoholic’s actions are hard to deal with too. I’m at the point there is no reason to lie, everyone that knows us at all, knows the truth anyways.

I have thought about going to Al-Anon, but that is a hard step. I mean, I know I’m sick. I have to be to keep putting myself through this. I love my husband more than anything and I know I’m not doing any favors lying. I want to make everyone happy.

He doesn’t seem to believe there is a problem (he is away). My daughter holds a full-time job, and running to activities with her children I know she is stretched to the limit. Her daughter reached out to a family member last night. I am reaching out to Al-Anon.

So when I rescued my qualifier from financial problems, I did not know that I was trying to cure the symptoms of a disease, and someone else’s disease at that! I thought that when you are in a family, you help people with their problems. I caused myself misery and heartache by taking on someone else’s problems. I put my life on hold and took on debt that did not belong to me.

Al-Anon gave me the tools and spiritual guidance to look at my options and make different decisions for my life. I was able to dig out of a deep hole, with the love of my Higher Power.

Today, when someone comes to me with a problem, I can take the time to ask if this is something I want to be involved in. I have choices. I can say, “I love you and hope you find an answer.”

Today, I also ask questions before I combine my finances with someone else. Assuming that just because someone loves me, that we will have similar financial principles is asking for trouble. Our Traditions and Concepts saved my life!

Money has always been an issue for me and my mother, who started drinking after my father left when I was six. I’m working on my 6th Step and hope that my higher power will show me the right path this time, as I have legal issues pending.

I don’t really speak to my mother and wish so badly that I had someone to confide in besides my sponsor. I have yet to have a successful relationship with a man, but want one very bad. I always choose the drunk losers because this is what I watched my mother do repeatedly after my father left.

I’ve never felt so alone, guilty, and depressed in my life but at least I’m thinking clearer and can remember now. I know I must let go of the hate for my mother and move on to a happier life. I have a second chance to start my life at 36 and have healthy relationships!=)

I am still somewhat fearful of my husband and his reaction to this step I have taken in my life. This is for me, though, not him. He is his own person and can make his own life decisions, and now it is time for me to live and breathe for myself.

I know I have so much to learn yet, but in just one meeting, I now feel hope. I don’t want to always worry about what the future may bring. I am going to try to live one day at a time. I suspect I may have a long road of recovery before me, but now I feel happy for it.

I intend to try out several different meetings and find the best one for me.

If you are here reading these, know you are not alone.

With the OCD I am trying to control something I know I can’t control. But my parent doesn’t respect and/or doesn’t know anything about boundaries. I attempt to set boundaries, but it seems I continuously come up on the short end of the stick. I am so frustrated. And I have a most difficult time trying not to be the “caretaker,” as I was as a child. I am an ACoA, but there aren’t as many websites dedicated to ACoA.

I feel I am at extremes with my parent. I so badly want their approval, and at the same time I so badly want to not have a relationship at all with my parent. And in the middle is my inner child, not wanting to get hurt another time. I am here, seeking help. Al-Anon is great help. I know where the meetings are, I will make time in my schedule to begin attending again. I am thankful for this help.

John & I married young and, yes, I knew he was a drinker from the start, but thought because we were young that it was something that he would grow out of. Big mistake!

Early into our marriage I saw a change in the man I married. He would come home mad and start an argument. Next he began to shove or push me over the slightest incident, called me names, and was very abusive. After a few years of this and 2 children later, I suffered a complete nervous breakdown. I tried to get help. Forget that, as none of his family would ever believe such a thing, and if he did drink–it was due to my depression!

I took myself to the doctor and was hospitalized for 3 months for severe depression. Yes, I was severely depressed because of my marriage! Even when I told his family about all the hidden bottles that I found and the mood swings, it was always slammed in my face by those around me! I think that is what makes me the angriest!! He was able to hide it from everyone–that is, except me.

The children, 4 of them, grew to see their father as this happy-go-lucky fellow who was now surrounded by his amused audience. Yes, he became such a funny guy, but it was always under the influence of alcohol. Otherwise, he would get the “shakes”!

As he got older & his adoring audience left to marry & begin families of their own, it got worse. Every night he would come home to pass out, couldn’t remember dates, wouldn’t eat. Today he is very lucky to still be alive–4 wrecks. Two he got away with, laughing that he didn’t get caught, and 2 arrests for DUI. But it was the last wreck that got him into treatment. He drove a tractor over a hill on the highway, flipped it, and broke his back. Awful, but I don’t feel a bit sorry for him. He has played this sympathy game since the day we married–I am through with the sympathy!

What is so hurtful is that my children grew up being shielded from daddy’s little problem. Well, I need their support & I don’t get it. They have pretty much abandoned me & and have taken up with my in-laws in this ongoing pity-daddy ring. What I need is some support from someone, because I sure don’t get any support from anyone! I have had to deal with this alone & I can’t do it any more!

I believe he has some cognitive impairment from the alcohol and I know he gets stubborn around doing things that I might approve of, yet he is 28 years old and I can’t understand his behavior–unless I just babied him too much. Why can’t he make better progress in looking after his financial and some social needs?

He’s not truly a mama’s boy. He just for some reason can’t move forward and I blame myself. It’s also hard for me to move forward. When he tried going to the JC for a semester, I was fine letting him go and do his own thing and I do mine, but he just couldn’t get the grades to retain his grant and now he’s looking for a job.

He’s getting his teeth repaired from the drink that ruined him. Yet I keep having to remind him to put pressure on Medi-CAL or he won’t get the caps finished. I’m tired and weary and feel that if I don’t remind him that it will be my fault that he doesn’t move ahead. Yet, I think he doesn’t do some of those things because I am telling him to.

As it turns out. . . he loves me too, but he loves heroin and meth more. I found him again, fell in love with him, married him, and have now left him, all in one year. I don’t know how to pick myself up anymore because I am exhausted from picking him up.

I’m so sad. Sad for him, sad for me, and sad for my two little boys who thought he was “the coolest step dad on the planet”. I want to be able to function again. . . for God’s sake. I just want to get through one day without crying. I just want him to be clean. I just want soooo much that isn’t possible.

In August of this year, her husband kicked her out and she moved into our home. She started back to college again in September, but the stress caused her to drink again and drive and get charged with DUI on September 29th and her license suspended for 3 months and thus quit college at the end of October.

Since that time, we have driven her to and from her AA meetings every day, medical appointments, counselling and now she has started working again as a server because of the busy season, which includes serving alcohol. Thankfully, she is staying sober, but she says she can’t afford taxis to go to places and we are at least a 15-minute walk away from a bus stop.

She is good with money and has savings. She works at night and during the days. Between driving her to and from her AA meetings, to the gym, to counselling and to her medical appointments, I don’t have any time to go to an Al-Anon meeting for myself.

I say we will continue to drive her to AA meetings, her medical appointments and counselling appointments and the occasional drive to work and picking her up again, but if she wants to go to the gym that she can take public transit or use some of our exercise equipment or go for a walk, but she gets upset and we all get in an argument on a regular basis.

I feel we are enabling her and WE are paying the consequences of her not being able to drive for the 3 months, but my husband insists that we continue to drive her everywhere. We both agree that she should take on the financial burden of the lawyer fees, fines, etc. that come along with her DUI charge, so that she will learn that there are consequences of her drinking. We constantly argue about this and now both my husband and my daughter are mad at me, because I am exhausted and don’t want to do all this driving around.

Christmas has always been a difficult and depressing time for me, but now I am even more depressed with all this stuff going on. I have been on meds for anxiety and depression for about a year and a half and I feel it affects my memory, so that is bothering me too. I don’t even have time to see my own doctor.

I know that I should take it one day at a time, and let go and let God, but I am exhausted and now my family hates me. My husband and I were to go to a meeting tonight with her alcohol counselor, but he says he won’t go anywhere with me and my daughter says she wishes I was dead.

There are no Al-Anon meetings in our area at the moment or I would go there and I am going to still go to the counselor meeting tonight, but I plan on going to one tomorrow. Before our daughter moved into our home again, my husband of 39 years and I were getting along great, but now there is strife between us.

I wonder if I am being selfish or wrong in my thinking that our daughter find her own way to some of these events, or if we should continue to drive her places. I feel so alone in my feelings now that both my husband and my daughter are mad at me.

My son is mildly learning-disabled and has anxiety disorders. I am feeling so guilty. He had a rough childhood with an alcoholic father. He has no insurance to get him help. He says he will stop, but doesn’t. I hope Al-Anon can help us.

My trust is shaken and the plans we had for being a family unit are compromised. I know I have to take one day at a time, take care of myself and let him take care of his sobriety. These podcasts are very helpful in keeping me focused on what I can do versus what my emotions tell me I want to do to fix things. Thanks.

Finding these podcasts already helped me realize the need for me to recover my ability to trust in myself and others. I look forward to participating in live meetings and starting my own path to recovery.

In the almost 2 years we’ve been together, I admired my SO’s commitment to his sobriety and actively living the Twelve Steps of AA. His relapse rocked me to the core. My trust in him and our relationship and in my ability to cope has been severely shaken. I’m trying hard to take it a day at a time, restore some confidence that I can find the serenity to live each day honestly, and pray he will regain the strength to return to a path toward sobriety again and commit to helping himself through AA.

The idea of watching him take a destructive path is overwhelming. I’d watched a lifelong friend who passed away from alcoholism. Thanks for giving me this temporary outlet.

I really have never had control over him. He has been the one who has taken the drinks and gotten drunk, no one else. His decisions are his own.

I am learning more about detachment and how to work that in my life to help with the anxiety. I am learning about my triggers and how it affects me and how to lessen them with the detachment techniques. Yet, I still get sucked into the drama without even realizing it.

His re-activeness toward anything needed to be discussed. I have learned in Al-Anon, that this is a defense type mechanism used to disable me and propel me away so he never has to talk about anything important. I can’t see ever going back to that life of drama we were living, and Al-Anon is helping me find new paths.

I think that it is like we say, it works if you work it. I am that important to have a program and friends that can help with their experience,strength and hope. My books always seem to have the right answers at just the right time.

He isn’t the man I married, anymore. He replaced his anti-depressants with the alcohol, saying that he needed it to be more outgoing and social. If that were the case, then I wouldn’t have to sit at home every evening and watch him get drunk, verbally abuse me, then stagger to bed.

I miss him dearly, but I am slowly giving up hope that the man I fell in love with is even still in there anymore…

There were indications that I ought to seek support from someone, somewhere, even an Al-Anon group program. So, here I am. Depressed, lonely, isolated in almost every respect from others and myself, even. I am so embarrassed. So angry. So sick. Geez I hate admitting my inability to “fix” this sadness and move out of this grief.

So, once again, here I am, people. Not drinking, but craving — yes, craving to call my sick, sick child and offer more money to “help” out again; and, for what? My help only digs a deeper hole. Money to buy more drugs. Money to help get the temporary fix. That is all that I am ever asked for these days. Money.

I am unable to recover, I mean — on my own. Nearly exhausted all of my savings, loaning/giving money to my child who refuses to get help to stop the addiction to her need, to the same drugs and alcohol and yes, even the abusive behaviors and over-reactions that surface when my child cannot have the fix needed when she needs it.

When I saw my newborn grandchild jittery and shaking from the tension and hostility — perhaps even, yes, the drugs that must permeate the environment, the household; seeing my adult child shaking from the need to “go out for just a minute” only to return with the drug that only she carefully, ever so slightly tried to hide. . . I knew. And fearing the worst, of course, I stayed silent, left without a word, not wanting to cause more upset and confusion, let alone endure another screaming argument.

I could not bear to witness the happenings that go on in an alcoholic-addict environment. Instead, I have once again experienced the cold shoulder. The silence. The phone call that will never arrive, to apologize for the sudden absence and express the shame that was/is continuing.

My grandchild is helpless, with no voice to express the need for help. I turned my back on her, on my child, my grandchild, the very people I love. This is my first step to get the help I need above and beyond my own ability to comprehend anything. I pray that there is a good reason, a god of some sort, a power greater than I am, to help them, since I cannot do this for them, or myself, on my own.

Today, after many years practicing the tools of this life affirming way of life, I find that I continue to lie to myself in order to preserve denial. When I don’t want to deal with the “what if’s”, I can tell myself the following lies:
“I can handle this” (whatever “this” happens to be)
“It’s not that bad” (whatever “it” happens to be)
“This is NOT happening. (clearly this IS happening or else I would not need to address it)
“S/he he does not have a program…therefore not accountable for unacceptable behavior”.

I am not totally recovered yet. As long as I am in relationship with other people, including myself, I will need to seek recovery. I don’t have to do this perfectly but I owe it to myself to be as honest as possible, whenever possible and push past the fear which cripples me emotionally at times.

Just for today, I feel profound gratitude for finding this website. It has helped me with a 10th step inventory.

I thought I was detaching, but I was ignoring and became a doormat and didn’t tell him his behavior was unacceptable. After finding out he started growing MJ in the backyard for “medicinal” purposes, I had to get out.

It hit the fan and now my family of four and a granddaughter are all in different places. Life is not fun right now. But thank goodness for my Al-Anon friends.

Not sure what I’m going to do yet, but so glad as all of us are to know we have places to go get love and support.

I currently am the breadwinner (wife) after an unfortunate fall disabled my husband. He goes through his disability $ like water. I had to create a totally separate account for the household, but my mistake was not minding anything that was going on with his disability account and then still giving him money…ooops, my mistake, duh!

Now separated, due to finding out he was cultivating MJ in the yard (apparently legally in his mind cause of a medical MJ card), I’ve given him all of his bills and other than some financial help on rent (because I would get to pay alimony, there is the kicker), he’s on his own for the most part.

I, for some reason, still give him money here and there cause he has no food, but today I can recognize I have to stop this and just try to not beat myself up. I guess I do this out of guilt…why?…well, guess that is the answer I will continue to work on and, as they say in meetings, keep coming back….AND I WILL!!!

I just found out about my significant other’s relapse. I won’t go into all the details other than to say this is painful for me. We have been down this road before. However, now I have Al-Anon and that is my lifesaver. So, second, to answer the question, yes, I have avoided telling the truth and lied to myself. And, just recently, I had to have been lying to myself.

I knew he stopped going to meetings. I know when he does that, he is lying to himself again. I know at the very least, it isn’t a good sign. I also know he has not been in contact with his sponsor. Why I didn’t look at the possibility of a relapse was lying to myself. I wanted to believe something other than a relapse.

Now, I need to be honest with myself and take care of my place in all of this. I guess it’s back to Step One! : ))

Thanks again for the podcasts. I do truly appreciate it.

The main difficulty is that I know it will be me who will have to go to the hospital next time she has a seizure, or because her vitamin B level has dropped so low her liver is failing, or she has halucinations because of withdrawal. It’s so scary and having no one to talk to leads me to absolute despair. How can I go to work not knowing what I will find when I go home? How can I sleep at night, worrying I will hear a thump at 3am and have to call an ambulance?

I had a rule where there is no alcohol in the house. Doesn’t help. Only difference is I don’t have a glass of wine if I feel like it, but my daughter is in her room, drinking alone till she passes out.

Perhaps I need to go back to meetings and learn the steps. I just find it difficult to detach with love when my daughter is only 24 and has so much life ahead of her.

Now I have a simple question I can ask myself throughout my day that will help me stop and think before I react. Thanks for that simple, but powerful gem of knowledge:)

I don’t know yet if I have a sponsor, but for now to hear similar stories is comforting. I feel I have zero wisdom but am willing to not know what to do or even think for now. I still get sucked into the drama and want to stop.

My ex has been going to A.A. for 10 years and really truly has not done the work. I asked someone how they can do the work and he can’t and his analogy was about someone going to the gym, walking around and not doing the work.

My ex is also a codeine addict, I think is a sex addict, and smokes. He drinks a bottle of cough syrup a day with codeine, and when I talk to him about how he treats me, he turns it around and makes it about me. He is abusive, manipulative, has stolen prescription drugs from me, among other horrible things.

He was going to the Addictions Foundation but quit when we broke up. I told him he has to go for him, not me. He is always putting other people down and he feels people owe him something. He has many, many good qualities, but the abuse from him is unacceptable. I have allowed him to treat me like this as I do not know how to set boundaries. I will learn at Al-Anon. He is also very verbally and emotionally abusive to his parents. My ex is 45 and his parents are in their early eighties and he lives with them.

I was told to stay with him is being an abused woman. His mom told me he always knows that I will be back. I have also been told that he is so dysfunctional that he pulls me into that dysfunction. Every relationship he has had has broken up because of a psyco-ex, so he says, but at the same time he told me he can’t handle life and that is why he does the cough syrup. He also told me that he never met anyone like me and I know him better than anyone.

He is extremely abusive and I will not be going back to him. I have been with him 2.5 years and it’s time for me to get the help I need. I attended my first Al-Anon beginners meeting and will be going back. My heart has so many breaks in it from this man. I need new beginnings and I know that he will never get better. He puts on a show. Oh, he has also called me names in public and has jumped out of my moving vehicle. He is also full of rage, shows no compassion, empathy, has no respect for anyone.

My 1st husband was a dry alchoholic for most of our marriage and we raised two children, and my second husband is an alchoholic, and now sober for 6 months. We are separated, but trying to work things out. Infidelity was part of the issue, so the healing has been very slow. I wish I went to Al-Anon years ago.

I am a touring musician, and a few weeks ago I was in Holland and when we arrived at the venue we were greeted by a very drunk bar owner. It was 8 in the evening. He could hardly walk straight, could not make change, etc. There were 3 of us who were going to perform and the owner had set the sound system up.

We walked back outside and decided to not play. We went in and told him that we were not comfortable playing due to him being so drunk. He begged us to stay, but we (with kindness) told him we could not stay. It was a healthy decision. We could have played, but he displayed unacceptable behavior, and it felt good to have control to avoid the situation.

I think this road I am on to understanding the desease, and accepting my responsibility in it, is going to be crucial to future happiness.

He hasn’t worked in over a year, came out of rehab a month ago only to get high the same day and spends his days chasing these “loans” that he is supposedly owed. And what have I been doing this whole time? Believing that he will follow through on all his promises and good intentions. Who is the truly sick one here?

So now I am trying to get a job, in this economy!! I have a master’s degree and feel as trapped and hopeless as the woman with no high school diploma. I am so grateful that I have my Al-Anon family to help me keep my sanity. Some days it helps more than others.

One thing I now know: I can NEVER rely on him or any other man to save the day. I have to get myself and my children out of this mess. I have to be my OWN knight in shining armor! I don’t know where I would be without Al-Anon. Actually, I’d be in the same predicament, just feeling a lot worse about it!

I’m going to start Al-Anon. Should’ve done this years ago, I suppose – classic denial. I have to find like-minded and like-life people to share this burden with. I was raised to ‘tough it out’ – but this is something I cannot do alone. I discovered the Al-Anon meeting closest to the house has disbanded – I’m considering another one, near the mall.

Same for me, I was raised around alcohol and partying. My mother would get drunk and go after my dad with swords. Yes, I mean swords. He ended up putting me on his lap one time that she did that hoping to get her attention.

My dad also is a manic-depressive. Has been pretty much all his life. He also was raised around a bunch of drinking. My grandma was beaten on a weekly basis. And my mother was also raised in a house where my grandpa was a big drinker.

I did what a lot of you said you did. Married an alcoholic, thought I could change him.

When I was around 3 years old, I was molested by the drunk down the street. So, thinking back at that, when my now husband would come home drunk, I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid that would happen to my kids. So, I literally never could sleep at night. He never done anything. I think it was just the thought of what happened to me as a child by a drunk man.

My husband is now court-ordered to a drug and alcohol program. I had to contact the court for help. He had gotten his 2nd DUI in 1 year. Total 4 in his lifetime. He seems to be doing pretty good. For now, I say. And his temper used to be horrendous. I was a nervous wreck.

I told him he was going to go to the doctors and get help and he went. They put him on medication and you couldn’t ask for a better person. Now we have to work on the alcohol. Best of luck to everyone. This is a long, hard road.

Eventually the stress became so great I could no longer do a good job with my work, and my business folded. In an odd way, the financial troubles had acted to further distract the family from seeing the drinking, and our reactions to it, as the primary family problem. We had gone from a comfortable life to needing food banks and second-hand stores for many of our basics.

When I started Al-Anon meetings, I finally began to see our problems in perspective. Yes, she had problems – serious problems – due to drinking, but I, too, had some serious problems to deal with: thinking problems mainly. By straightening out my thinking and beginning to act based on principle rather than a string of unsuccessful “plans” my life began to find some order. Sometime thereafter, my wife joined AA and it’s been uphill ever since.

So, yes, there were serious money problems, but, no, they weren’t the biggest problems we had. Once the blinders were off it, other problems became evident and some major changes needed to be made. Al-Anon was where I was able to work through those challenges and finally find a life without fear and despair.

My husband is sober and has been for as long as I`ve known him–but he has been emotionally abusive and I didn`t understand what was happening. I thought if I did “better”, he wouldn`t yell or critisize or give mean comments. Finally, I realized that it would never be possible for me to do “better”, because the rules for “better” were always changing.

Abusive behavior is unacceptable. I have moved out, but that took a lot of courage and I had to be willing to risk “everything”. It is my experience that it is only when I am WILLING to endure the pain of doing what I know is the right thing, that my life gets better. It hasn`t made the pain any less, but it has made me more willing to do the work.

Al-Anon has really changed my life for the better. It takes hard work on my side, but it is so worth it. I don`t know if my marriage can be healed/saved, but I do know that I am not willing to be abused just to stay in the marriage. My husband is the love of my life, and setting these boundaries and refusing to accept any kind of abuse is actually a compassionate action to both of us.

I am forever grateful to Al-Anon!

My husband drank again tonight. I was able to differentiate between his rationalizations and reality. I know it is not my fault that he drinks. What I don’t know is whether I will stay around to see if this time he grows a little closer to accepting responsibility for his decision/action.

He says he drinks because he is angry or mad or hurt–of course, all my doing.

While he admitted himself to rehab over a week ago, which I’m very happy about and intend to support him the best I can, I feel overwhelmed and shocked. I am looking after his kids on weekends, dealing with his ex-wife (who is no picnic), taking care of all his finances and finalizing the renovation on our house which he was supposed to manage, in addition to maintaining my own day-to-day life. Before all this, he was ‘superman’ to me, he ran a big company, was charismatic, a good dad, and we had a very close and calm relationship.

I feel sad, angry, and dissapointed that he hid something like this from me for half of our relationship, and generally in over my head.
I am going to my first Al-Anon meeting this evening and am feeling quite intimidated.

This weekend I will take his kids to visit him in rehab for the first time. I’m scared for the unexpected. He has been allowed to call me the past week, and while we’ve had some great conversations, I can’t help but feel as though he’s being self-centered cause he tends to tell me all about his treatment and not ask how I’m doing, while meanwhile I’ve more or less taken over managing his day-to-day life for him while he’s in rehab.

I’m a strong person, and have overcome family/personal challenges in my life before, but I just feel at a loss cause this hit me like a ton of bricks, per se, since I was completely oblivious to the addiction. I have numerous questions for him, but don’t want to distract him from treatment. I feel like I’m looking after everyone but myself, and am hoping Al-Anon can provide me with some coping mechanisms.

Needed to vent, and thanks to all who took the time to read this.

I am a new member of Al-Anon and it is so nice to be able to have these “mini meetings” between my in-person meetings.

I can really relate to a lot of what has been shared here.

I have been lying about the effect of my husband’s drinking in regards to me and my life. I was too busy being caught up in how his drinking affected him and what I should be doing to fix him and his life. I completely forgot about myself, and it was exhausting.

I also lied about my husband’s drinking to others, particularly my family. I did this because I was embarrassed and also because maybe it would make it more real. This really isolated me and made me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to lie about his drinking to myself or anyone anymore.

It has been very confronting to face these things but I am grateful to have Al-Anon as part of my life now.

Now my husband has recently disappeared for two days. Drunk. Couldn’t get hold of him. He spent every bit of money we had on booze, and I have five kids that I couldn’t buy groceries for. I don’t know what he did or who he was with or anything. My brother was there, but won’t tell me what went on. My dad just rubs it in and makes me feel like it is my fault and I am married to a loser.

I have been physically and mentally assaulted by two sisters-in-law–and my husband watched. Part of the problem is that my husband works with my brother (The one who was there and won’t tell me what happened. His wife is manipulative, angry, abusive, mean.) My kids have been abused by these people too. Boundaries? What are those?

I told DH that I am leaving if he doesn’t get help, or that he can take his trailer and get out. And I feel that it would be best if I stay away from the rest of my family for holidays and every other reason. We are not safe with any of them. And Mom just puts up with it and sighs – but really, she just buries her head in the sand and doesn’t acknowledge that there’s a problem, so we all suffer–from the oldest kids to the youngest grandchild. There are forty of us who are dealing with alcoholism in some way. Whether just because of Dad or our spouses or siblings–we are all dealing with it, and I QUIT!

I am so done, but I DO NOT know how to stand firm in this decision to stay gone. Especially with my husband. I love him and do not want us to break up, but I want help. I need help. I WILL NOT raise my kids with the same stuff as I grew up with. And I am DONE being mentally abused by dad and brothers and especially done with their stupid, mean, horrible nasty wives!

I am SICK of it. Physically sick. And my mother-in-law is dying of breast cancer. And we have NO money, and a lot of other things too (like no water in my house right now, and no heat and. . .) And I am tired of walking around feeling ashamed. Being told it is my fault that I have been abused in so many ways. It is NOT my fault. I DID not do anything wrong! I am so TIRED!!!!!!!

My program is 7 years old. HP is always there for me, but I second-guess everything. It takes courage to do what the spirit is leading me to do, despite my will. My will always leans on the side of staying with the familiar. The familiar is a dark place full of resentment and self-pity. When I let go of that and follow my spirit despite fears, I am always rewarded with a sense of ease, and sometimes awe and wonder.

Listening to these podcasts reminds me, I am not alone. People in the program are working it and making progress. I can too.

It was a real joy (and extremely hard work) to recover individually and as a family. Sadly, I was chagrined to recently find out that my husband has returned to smoking the past few months. Not only had he kept the smoking a secret, but he had also been openly discussing his ‘sponsorship’ of his mother to help her quit smoking during the time that he was actually smoking as well. He behaved so ‘upstanding’ about his supposed ‘sponsorship’ that it came as quite a shock that he had been actively smoking and lying.

When I caught him, I was not so mad initially, but I became angry after seeing how he had very little desire or intention to discuss or attempt to atone for his actions. His motto has generally been to sweep things under the rug. As if that actually works! While I’m very glad that he has refrained from drinking, I see his return to his lying/smoking/denial habit as a real DANGER sign. Any irritaion on my part about his relapse actions results in his cunning deflection. Then he showers me with overcriticism and infanticizing’ punishment’ from an ‘elevated’, ‘superior’ standpoint.

He cannot possibly understand how much he has threatened and triggered raw feelings from our harrowing past. I find this deflecting, punishing, denial, lying, addict behavior unacceptable. Maybe if I actually saw him really, truly own and absorb his actions and their affect on others, I could have some solace that we can recover from this, not go further down a freaky road of addiction, and move forward in peace – once again.

To make matters worse, my brother has brain cancer and my small, and dear family, are going through hard, traumatic times. In the past, when I was ever in need, my husband would really kick-in with his nasty addictions, making matters SO much worse. Here he went again. I suppose he thought I simply wouldn’t find out. Well, I did and I always have. DUH. While it’s only smoking, I know all too well where this can all lead. And No matter the drug, addict behavior is a real pain as well as very destructive for the whole family. I am fed up.

Now he is telling me that the way I’m treating him now is not love. I don’t even know what to say to that. He has no clue what kind of pain he has put me and the kids thru and I would love to stay married and grow old with him, but I don’t know if he can put up with the anger I have left to release. He says he wishes he could go back and love me the way he should have, but we both have not had a drink for 2 months and I should be happy, right?

I am more mad than I have ever been in my whole life. I stuck with him for 22 years for better or worse. Now I dont think he will do the same for me.

I never said anything to my in-laws. Keeping silent was in effect lying on my part. As it turned out, my mother-in-law was alcoholic. After my husband and I separated, I called them hoping they would speak to my husband about his drinking. My mother-in-law asked, “How much does he drink a day?” I responded, “At least two six packs,” and she said, “That’s not much.” My father-in-law told me that drinking had been a problem to my husband and was why he flunked out of two colleges. I really hoped my in-laws could help save my marriage. I was trying to get my in-laws to “fix” my husband. It didn’t work.

When I told my parents about the drinking, they weren’t surprised. My brother even commented, “I never saw anyone drink beer so fast.” I realized then that others could see that my husband’s drinking was out of control and I couldn’t. When I finally stopped lying to myself and went to Al-Anon, I learned that it did not matter how much or how often my husband drank, it was how his drinking was affecting me. I had been through lots of times when my husband would stop drinking only to inevitably resume it because he thought he could control it. He was brutally honest with me and it hurt that he had every intention of continuing to drink. I told him I was going to Al-Anon and he said he thought that was a good idea. He really could have cared less where I went just as long as I got off his back about the drinking.

It was painful to come out of denial into the reality that my husband’s drinking was a problem and that he wouldn’t stop even though I asked him to do so. I learned right away in Al-Anon that I had to take care of myself and to focus on me–that was how I could help the alcoholic, because I was no longer part of the denial process. It took me about a year-and-a-half of Al-Anon to really understand that alcoholism is a physical, emotional, and spiritual illness and that people with a drinking problem drink because they no longer have control over their drinking. It was very painful for me to face, but it helped me to recover from the effects his drinking was having on me.

I was in denial for most of my life about my father’s drinking. The family tried to hide it and when I started going to Al-Anon, I unearthed the family secret…my father’s father abused alcohol, my mother’s father was an adult child of an alcoholic. Alcoholism ran on both sides of my family. My family know that I go to Al-Anon.They don’t want to hear about it but respect my decision. I am the only one in recovery. I could feel sorry for myself but I don’t. I’m grateful to no longer be living in denial of whose drinking affected me.

He doesn’t get it, he doesn’t understand my side of the fence, and Lord will he ever?

Lived with it too many decades. Grew up in it, married it and then married it again.

Time to take that sign off my heart–alcoholics/addicts apply here–that my good ol’ dad placed there growing up.

Normal relationship… Oh, you mean… It’s not where the man calls his wife every name from the Dictionary of Profanity? It doesn’t involve humiliation, challenging every thing or word that you say? It does not involve accusations, debates or lying? Is this where the actions of trust, being cherished, honestly, respect come into play?

I heard about those kinds of relationships. Yet, I have never had one. I even heard that some people get married and live out their lives minus that third wheel that is packaged in cans, bottles, cases, fifths, mickeys, etc. I have yet to see or experience that, too.

Thank you, government officials, for placing the booze in every corner store. But hey, if it ain’t booze, it’s gambling and if ain’t gambling, it’s drugs–and if you throw a few babes in there, well, addicts will be addicts.

Enough is Enough.

What I learned today. Stop being THEIR GOD. Big boys can make their own decisions. They are either going to or not going to. Nothing you can do or say is going to instill or control what they REALLY are going to do. You can only look after yourself (your true #1) and be responsible to yourself. You can cry the tears, scream the scream, make the demands, threats, or place ultimatums. Newsflash at 11, beep, beep. If the desire is strong enough and the juice is in walking, driving and even crawling distance..they will sniff out the closest source! Nothing you can do but hold the door open and yell, fetch.

I even hid it in the weirdest places one day, and he sniffed it out! I have experience, but his was greater!
Will I enable anymore–not a chance. Will I cover up for him anymore–not a chance. Will I attempt to control the situations or place false hope on this–not, not, and not a chance.

He is going to drink himself to death.

I am going to keep going to the next and the next and the next meeting so that I can once again LIVE and maybe even leave. Yes, I am that serious, to be at a meeting on a Saturday night!

Alcohol will kill him. I already see its toll on him . Alcohol will not kill me.

The end came when I realized that I am tired of having a BAT-PHONE to the local police dept and that I may need to pave over my lawn and hang POLICE PARKING signs with lined parking spaces for all the cruisers I have at my door due to his indulgence. Most recent, last night. So many they parked in my neighbor’s drive as well. How’s that for being neighborly, huh? I was just waiting for the film crew to arrive!

Tired and afraid I am going to receive a letter soon from the mayor or the local board of trustees where we live, telling me they made the decision to re-locate police headquarters to my garage to save time on communications, time and gas to our place.

And he wonders why I, after a decade of this, want O-U-T! Finally I said to myself, this is bigger than me, get to AL-ANON, buy my own vehicle, acquire a job, save moolah, find a new place to live and a then make the trip to my attorney when I’m safe and sound again!

Keep going–I am. Avoid the REARVIEW MIRRORS at all cost! Try all. Be safe, and always remember–you between them and the closest door. Never in a room with a drunk on any level but ground level. Personal property is not as valuable as your life or sanity! And most of all, Cash Back on an ATM that you can save up for a cheap hotel when you are in danger can be the difference between you taking another breath and being laid out on stretcher! Never say Never.

My husband has been in a rehab facility in the past and has tried to quit on his own numerous times without success. He is starting to have health problems and does want to stop, but I don’t think he wants to do the work it takes.

I love and and want to support him. I know that I cannot do it for him. In the meantime, I want to do what I can do for myself in order to feel better.

How is it that he can torment me during our entire relationship, abandon me whenever he wanted to binge on alcohol, deplete all of our finances, leave many bills unpaid, lose all our friends, insult me with my own secrets I shared with him in confidence, and just walk back in, say he’s going to AA and suddenly all is ‘forgiven’?

I almost hate him. I definitely resent him. I just wonder if this loneliness and anger goes away. I can’t even trust my own emotions anymore. The frustration is unending and the confusion just multiplies. I don’t know how much more I can handle before suffering a nervous breakdown.

I am married for 7 months to a beautiful person, once she isn’t drunk. My wife has been an
alcoholic for more than 10 years. She is also bipolar. I got so angry when she started drinking again. I try talking to her about her drinking, but she doesn’t want to stop. She gets physical and abusive towards me that she doesn’t remember anything when she is sober.

I am extremely nervous to the point that I want to leave. She is hurting this relationship and if she doesn’t stop I am going to leave her. No matter what I say to her, I can’t change her–only she can. I have to set some boundaries with her.

I have seen her falling, slipping, and walking into walls and doors, hurting herself because she is too drunk. It’s very hard to watch someone you love going down the drain like that, and I see my wife heading down that path.

I don’t know what to do, but if she doesn’t seek treatment, I am leaving. I have tried to deal with it, but the verbal, physical, and emotional abuse, I can’t take anymore. I feel like I am going to get a nervous breakdown.

I am trying to make ends meet and get us through to each payday, and he is writing checks for his alcohol without even telling me. I find out only when the account is close to overdraft. While I am juggling funds from one account to the other, he is keeping a separate account where he puts money and uses it for his drinking habit, then he runs out of money there and starts writing checks from the joint account that I am trying to pay bills from. When he gets money from selling cattle or recycling, he keeps it hidden from me so he can buy beer. He is up to buying a 30 pack every 3 or 4 days.

I have tried the “same things,” such as allowance and me paying the bills also, but that is not working. Thank you for sharing and I hope that some way we find a remedy. I have taken a big step towards my well-being and recovery in this situation and your comments will definitely be a support. I am still a little apprehensive to dive into Al-Anon head first, but getting my feet wet does feel refreshing. Thank you again.

When I married him, I never realized the issues underlying this man. I was aware that he was sober, but I never realized the challenge he has to live with such an addictive personality. It constantly presents with unacceptable behaviour that challenges me to set boundaries around. It triggers all the old places of my own trauma and how hard it is for me to hold onto those boundaries in the face of unacceptable behaviour.

I can be very strong with some behaviour, won’t accept yelling, or hitting of any kind but it is terrifying for me to set boundaries around the frequency of sex. I can maintain boundaries around abusive sex. I was able to hold a boundary of abstinence with the help of a therapist when my husband was caught cheating.

The issue though is the lying. Addicts lie to keep their fix. If they have used for decades then lying is also improved. I spend more time trying to figure out if he is lying and if I should participate with him. If I find out he had lied, then I feel bad because I didn’t catch on.

I am trying to stay in the marriage while holding boundaries and at the same time not enable him. If I suspect him then I am letting him hit bottom again, but I need to hold out abstinence again even if I am suspicious which is a whole other issue unto itself.

Learning to trust God to direct me.

I find it hard to trust myself, too. I have belittled my own instincts so often that I find it difficult to recognize them.

It’s good to be reminded that I am worth it.

He understands and worries about his dad’s drinking problem, but just doesn’t see it as his own. Both of his sisters and his brother-in-law have told him that he is facing the same problem with his own drinking, but he is totally in denial. He feels that it is his “right” to have a few drinks after a long, hard day at work. And he is a hard worker at his job, and also in taking care of our house. Like I said before, he is a “functioning” alcoholic. He doesn’t drink on the job, it’s only after he gets home from work. But, boy, does he make up for it when he gets home.

I feel that it is my problem as much as his, because I have always covered for him. I make sure that I do all of the driving to any kind of function after he has started drinking for the day. My personal feeling is if he drinks and drives and gets put in jail or is in an accident and it only affected him, he might actually do something about his drinking. But, I could never let him leave our house and drive a car, knowing that others could be hurt or killed by his alcoholic behavior.

He covers well, because he “only” drinks beer, so I don’t think that he actually thinks of that as alcoholism. He isn’t a stumbling down drunk. Basically he drinks 6-12 beers a day, and then starts slurring his words when he does talk. He then goes to bed. It’s hard to have a real discussion about his alcoholism issue, because he leaves early in the morning for work, and then starts drinking as soon as he gets home.

I’ve thought about it many times before, but I am now truly considering leaving our 25 year marriage, because I don’t think I can live with this for the rest of my life! After seeing what his father’s drinking has done to cause his health problems, that is affecting all members of the family, I just don’t want to deal with it in my “old age”.

I also have an addiction, to chocolate. So, when I get frustrated with my husband’s excessive drinking, I turn to chocolate, which is causing me to gain weight again. But that’s another issue. I need to get back to helping myself by exercising more and eating more healthy. I am still a little nervous about going to Al-Anon, but I’m working up the courage to do so. It’s embarassing to have to deal with this with others, but I know that they will understand. Well, obviously from the length of my comment, I need help! Thanks for listening.

I feel powerless to become self-supporting. I have no high school diploma, degree etc.
and I am used to a very privileged life that has always been in financial chaos.

Even though I hear some guidance from my higher power, I don’t seem to be able to let go, or I let go so much & do nothing myself.

I need help to sort out the insanity in my own brain.

I have just finished my 4th step & 5th step with my sponsor & trying to get through 6th & 7th.

I feel shame because of chaos around money & at the same time grateful for the gifts it is bringing me.

Thank you, Al-Anon. I will try to work on my 3rd step today to remind me I have a choice ) Xxx

My husband and I are in our 50′s and this is taking a major toll on our health. Our son came to our home last night so drunk he couldn’t walk, and wants to be sober (again). He wouldn’t go to the hospital. He says he knows how to do this by himself. He said he has to wean off it, so he wanted us to drive him to his apt so he could get a shot to wean off slowly.

If we didn’t drive him, he was going to walk (2 miles on a busy highway), and if we took him to the hospital he was going to jump out. If he walked home, he said, “I will drink myself to death,” a phrase he has begun to use a lot, which terrifies me. I can’t tell you how sick we are about this. He has quit many times, but just won’t remain sober.

We need to go to a meeting to find a way to relieve some of this stress. Our grandson was removed from his home last weekend because of his drinking. I wonder if/when this will end. Please pray for my family.

I grew up with an alcoholic father and older brother, and now 22yrs later my husband and older son have an addiction to alcohol. Everything is my fault. If I would just not say anything to them, then things would be just fine. After listening to the podcasts, I will apply those principles in my life and deal with this, and I will start attending meetings.

Thanks.

I feel I’m to blame for letting him down. We had a lot of problems when my husband and I were younger, with combining two families, and feelings got hurt.

I sure wish I could fix things.

His drinking has interrupted every living second of our lives, from where we go, who we are friends with, and things we do as a family–which have turned into none. Like many of you, I have tried everything to get him to stop. Only recently I have been doing a lot of reading. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting this coming week, and doing an online one later today. We have not spoken in 4 days due to an incident that happened over the weekend, involving him being drunk, and I am starting to do my own things when he is home drinking. I try to go out with the girls, or when they go to bed, I go to bed early, instead of “entertaining” him. I am tired of the empty promises and I think I am ready to leave, but I am also scared.

This has happened before, and I always end up accepting his apologies, which I do believe are sincere, but he just does not know how to control it. He needs help and refuses to get it. When he is sober, he is a saint. We hardly have any friends because he doesn’t like visiting people who don’ t drink, and the few people we do know who don’t drink are considered “wierd” in his opinion. I am very depressed and he blames me for his drinking because he says I am always angry and upset. He says there is never a smile on my face and I always look like I’ve had a terrible day. He does not understand I feel this way because he keeps bringing me down. Him being away with my girls is what worries me because I’m afraid he will drink when they are with him, instead of doing things that normal fathers do with their children, like go to an amusement park, for example. My daughter is 15 and I am already afraid I have implanted in her mind that this is what normal families do.

My father was also an alcoholic and left my house when I was 10. Every time we would go out with him for the weekend, he would give us tons of money for the arcade, while he was probably outside having his beers. I did not realize it at the time, but now I know. I used to enjoy a glass of wine every now and then, but now I do not even want to have any at all. I am afraid I’m becoming paranoid that I, too, will become an alcoholic. It makes me so sad that I am happier when he is not around.

The first month was so wonderful. He was so sorry about the past. We were so in love for that month.

I have been hurt so many times in that 6 years. I can’t even tell you how many times I was going to leave, but I did love him. I still do, but I can’t live with him because I don’t understand him. I am having a very hard time letting go of the past, which is affecting us every day. My problem is that I didn’t do anything wrong, so why do I need to go to meetings and will they really help me to get better?

I guess you could say I am mad at him for all of this, and now for me to get healthy I must take time out of my day to go to meetings for something he did. Will we ever be able to have the life we want? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do to save us.

It has been a challenging decade. I constantly say the Serenity Prayer, and “Let Go and Let God” often.

My children have gone to meetings. However, my ex has his own program. So I shall pray for this
as we are all going to be at my grandaughter’s christening tomorrow.

I married my husband 24 years ago knowing he was an alcoholic and he attended meetings weekly. I wish I had known that he needed to continue his meetings to be successful, but once we married he started to slip and drink some wine with me and I enjoyed the company. I did not know how this would all start up again and as life got harder, so did the drinking and then he would slow down and for a time I demanded he go to an AA meeting or else we were over. I attended too, but I was so angry, this really wasn’t the place for me to be and many of them told me to attend an Al-Anon meeting.

I didn’t. I just figured we would fix him. He was sober for 18 months. It was a time of change for both of us. I didn’t have my cocktail partner anymore and I still enjoyed a drink and our house was more normal, knowing that Dad was not going to get drunk and say stupid stuff. However, he started to slip right before the holidays and I witnessed it, one shot at a time. It was out of control by the time his mother came for xmas! Bad family history there.

It is now June and he has gained weight from all this drinking, not to mention how disappointed he feels in himself and has told me he will not quit completely, he will just slow down. I can see my life going in a very unstable direction, so I need to get help now. I have so much more to say, but I will save that for a meeting. Thanks for letting me vent this very private side that not too many friends and family know about. It feels good to release these trapped feelings. Thank you.

My choice is to view the world from a different window–not allow my family members to convince me that my father’s drinking is not that bad. I will not accept bad behavior. My poisonous family will not influence me to enter back into a volatile environment and bring my wife and three small children with me.

My father is dangerous. He is not just drunk. He is actually a ticking time bomb with the capability of hurting himself or those I love at any moment. What I heard from this pod cast was so important. I am establishing a chaos free zone around myself and wife and children. It is OK to not talk to him, go to his home on the holidays and avoid contact with him. I am not keeping my family separated from everyone I was raised with out of anger. I’m doing it for their safety and peace of mind. My family will not be corrupted by my alcoholic father or anyone else who supports him. When He is sober, we’ll talk. Until then, I’m happier without the chaos. Thank you so much for the pod cast.

And then there is the Serenity prayer. This seems to be the heart of my dilemma and the source of the solution when I’m having a relapse. The serenity “to accept the things I cannot change” versus “the courage to change the things I can.” How do I decide, when it comes to my son, whether to “don’t just do something- sit there.” Or whether I should make a call to someone in his program who might perform a helpful intervention, or call my son with an encouraging word which might give him some needed support. As I keep my mind open, the scale first goes one way, then the other. I remember hearing in meetings that we should neither bring about a crisis nor interfere with the consequences of the crisis. When I think about this, I think that to get in the middle of my son’s relapse might prevent his contact with his own higher power. I remember my Al-Anon friends saying, “God has no grandchildren” meaning trust that my son has a higher power and it’s not me.

And I’m left with the third part of the Serenity prayer: “the wisdom to know the difference.” I know there are things I can do to regain my sanity. These include
*Using my phone list of Al-Anon friends to share with people in recovery.
*Going to as many meetings as I can fit in my schedule: It is amazing how I can find time for more meetings when I’m miserable enough.
*Doing service work: Helping out Al-Anon in any way helps get my mind out of my own torturous loop.
*Reading Al-Anon literature: It is uncanny how when I have the most need, Al-Anon literature seems to apply directly to the problem.
*Meditating: As I sit quietly on my porch listening to the wind and the birds, I realize that I have a choice to follow my thoughts into misery, or open my will toward a higher power.

I know that the sense of urgency I feel is a symptom of desperation and relapse. I know that if I continue to use the tools of Al-Anon I will do the best I can.