Those old patterns can be quite compelling! I gotta get back to my Al-Anon meetings - the problem is that, medically, I am confined to home and don’t have any current contacts in my previous Al-Anon group. So I am very grateful to have an on-line forum. Take away message - keep going to meetings, even if you reach a point where those old patterns seem so remote! Thank you, and best wishes!

I feel like I have to understand it. It hurts. It feels like a personal assault. A few times he has put himself in life-threatening situations due to his drinking and otherwise it has become an everyday thing. Other than the drinking, he is so wonderful - really an honorable man, smart, loving, a loyal friend, who provides for his family and it makes me think that maybe I am asking too much for him to be sober. But then again, I guess I can’t really ask that?? I don’t know.

I don’t get it - how am I supposed to let go? This is my husband, this is the father of my children. How am I supposed to detach from my spouse? Am I supposed to walk around and ignore the drinking? That is a serious question.

I am confused by a disease that cannot be cured and I am supposed to let go. I don’t want to let it go, I want him to stop. His drinking makes me angry, resentful, sad, embarassed, and worried. Obviously, I am new to this. I am not at peace with any of this. I love my husband with great intensity. We have talks - but we (or he) never get anywhere. I am truly confused.

He doesn’t want an answer to alcohol. I think his brain is damaged. I give him to the Lord to deal with and keep praying that there is hope on getting him to recovery. Hoping it isn’t too late. Meanwhile I have to learn to look after myself. Something I haven’t done a good job at since all my attention was on my alcoholic.

I finally listened to my sister and went to my first Al-Anon meeting 2 yrs ago. I must say, it was the first day of my new life. I felt the compassion I had longed for for so many years. I had seen all these people that were so common to me experiencing the same pain and hardship that I was feeling. They told me to “Keep Coming Back”, so I did. For a while I didn’t get it all, but I did feel a sense of peace. I kept coming back. When I learned the 3 C’s, I finally understood where my thinking was distorted. I Believed I could Control, Cure, and maybe that I caused it. Al-Anon taught me what the reality of this disease is. There was absolutely Nothing that I could do about it. Step 1: I am powerless over alcohol, my life was and is unmanagable.

The only thing I can control is my attitude, ME. I often wondered as most of us do, “What’s Next?” I got my answer as I kept coming back. I got a Sponsor or 3 and “Got Busy”. I started working the steps and my life was transformed!

I became the man I am today. One that is Respectful, Loving, Caring, and Ultimately Faithful. I know now that without this program my life would still be a tattered and torn hell.

My Children are now very interested in Alateen and I’m working hard to get an Alateen meeting started in our area. My hopes and Prayers are that they will come to understand just what and how Alcoholism affected them. This type of Healthy Helping is one of my many tools as well, Service.

There is Help for all of us. Peace and Serenity have been found in many Al-Anon rooms. I found it when I thought there was absolutely no help for me. I will keep all who are struggling and are affected by this disease in my prayers. It seemed very hard at first when I wasn’t in Al-Anon. Now I just take it “One Day at a Time”.

I will never forget the past, but I am learning to forgive my father who I have learned through Al-Anon has a devastating illness.

I hope this helps in some way. Take care and God bless.

I live with an active alcoholic and can definitely say that I have learned a great deal about myself and alcoholism–and have learned “new ways” of coping that have improved my life a great deal. Everything is not perfect, but I am a lot happier and so is my alcoholic. Al-Anon works!

So, needless to say, he is still back there twenty some years ago. The disease was taking the life out me, trying to force a solution. We have lost homes, cars, jobs. Somehow we manage to get the material things back, but not the love, respect, sharing. The disease is cunning and baffling. I have so much fear. I fear going to the store, the doctor’s office, shopping, working. It has taken my faith from me.

I went to the doctor and he said my blood pressure was sky high. He would not let me go home until it went down. Why would I make a sick person my safe person, when they have made me so sick? I only feel safe around my husband and son. The disease has made me sick. I need my life back where I can take care of myself. I don’t know what to do. When I go to Al-Anon that helps a lot. When I stopped going to Al-Anon and church for two years, I got very stick again.

We are in marriage counseling, but I am even afraid to do be there with him. I am afraid of him and the anger he exhibits when he is drunk. Once he pushed me very hard on the ground and I hit my head and had bruises and a sprained wrist.

I will try to work on the 3 C’s today and try to let go. But when do I say I need to leave him and move on? Why can’t I explain to him that being around people who are drinking a lot right now is really hard on me and I am desperately trying to stay on the right track and not drink.

Thank you for letting me say me peace here - this is the first time I have found this group. I just wish I had a friend nearby that would support me, but I guess that is what a sponsor is for. I will try to find a meeting and move in that direction.

With my eyes now open to this, I see why I feel like I am stuck in life. I need to start meetings so I can fix myself and also work on my children before it is too late to help them properly. My brother and older sister have turned out to be alcoholics also. Beer to them is a soda. My brother now is on all kinds of meds because his liver shut down and is on a list for a transplant.

I wish I was told a long time ago that this is what my actual problem was, instead of depression and medicated for it. I so much want to find a local group to join. If I have to drive a bit, I will because without this I am never gonna be able to get unstuck in life. Thank you for reading, and God bless.

He isn’t physically violent, anymore. Occasionally he may throw things or punch a door/wall, but not me. He has NEVER hurt our kids. But I still live in fear, because once you have been repeatedly hurt by someone, especially the person who vowed to cherish you, it’s very hard to trust or even look at them the same anymore. I have received mostly mental and emotional abuse. I believe, but am not sure, that he has insecurites and it subconsiously makes him feel better to make me hurt. Like: 1) My dad was also an alcoholic, but he was a womanizer along with it. He left my family when I was 7. My husband enjoys telling me (only when he’s drunk) that it was my fault that my dad left. 2) A boy from the football team spent the night with our son. And my husband was drinking that night. He got into a rage and acted a complete fool. He was yelling at me, calling me names.

My son and the other boy had no idea it was going on because they were upstairs playing guitar hero very loudly. But he screamed at me that I have embarrassed him in front of one of his star players and I have ruined everything he has worked for in just one night. And then he left with his whiskey, came back hours later and slept in the car.

And you know what I did to start his fit of rage that ‘ruint everything he worked for’ (which it really didn’t cause nobody even realized he acted that way)? I was sitting on the couch reading a good book. That’s my addiction. 3) He will tell me ‘Dance for me.’ ‘Take off your clothes’ ‘Dress up for me’ and beg for me. Then when I build up the confidence that he has shattered and he talks me into it, he gets hateful and says ‘Put your clothes on, I don’t want to look at you.’ And will go watch dirty movies.

The thing is, I know all these things are not my fault. But he makes me feel like they are. And he only does it when he’s drunk. So half the week I have a wonderful husband and the other half I have a creep. And for the few days after he acts this way I feel so hollow and hurt. And he doesn’t remember anything he has said or what he has done and doesn’t believe it when I tell why I’m not myself when he asks.

He has recently been diagnosed with liver disease. He was told to change his diet, take medicine & stop drinking. He has changed his diet, but he will not stop drinking & will not take his medicine.

I worry constantly about what will happen each night. This is the first time I have ever turned to anyone besides the good LORD for support or an ear.

I was crying to him to stop and he didn’t care. I finally realized that my safety, my feelings, did not matter. He stopped for a month and started again. Every time I see him with a beer in hand I start to loathe him. I feel like I’m not good enough for him to stop. I don’t know if Al-Anon can help. I guess I’m just scared.

The greatest example of his disease is his raging, violent, abusive anger.

He is manic in how much rage he carries. Sometimes he is able to keep the cork in the bottle and then again, when the slightest pressures or kinks in his life happen, he becomes explosive–and it opens very familiar and destructive patterns in how I choose to deal with him.

2009 was a terrible year for me and my partner. So many things happened that were and still are BEYOND our CONTROL and they left us both feeling so helpless and hopeless.

I lost my job in April and for 8 months. My job, my career, is very important to me. In many ways this obsession with my career led to the destruction of my relationship.

In April my partner opted to go out on disability, due to an injury he sustained which kept him from being able to do the work he once had.

The 8 months of captivity in each other’s stuff was a toxic environment.

It brought a lot of other resentments and blame we had about each other to the surface.

It also fanned the fire of my partner’s rage, a rage and anger that existed even when there wasn’t a reason to be so angry.

My disease is co-dependency, the want to fix him, to take on his burdens, to tolerate and accept his abuse, to make it go away.

He would cut me off–shout me down–and I would accept it all, more than I could bear, just to create peace, but the peace never lasted.

Now we are facing the dissolution of our 12-year relationship, selling our home in the worst market, up-rooting our lives, disrupting our animals.

I feel like we are fleeing the insanity, instead of curing it.

Despite all the rage, the fear, the resentment, I do not hate my partner.

My heart breaks to see him in so much pain.

My heart breaks to see how I am in so much pain.

There was, there are still so many good reasons why we were together.

I just don’t know what happened to all those things that held us in balance for what seems such a long long time ago.

Elizabeth’s story is very similar to my own and I appreciate her open and honest sharing. To this day it’s one day at a time. Thank you.

The podcasts are an excellent way to connect with the wider world and I will encourage my fellowship members here in Christchurch, New Zealand, to log on.

Yours in Serenity….

At first, he told me that he didn’t want to go down this path again, but now he thinks it’s all OK. He carries a lot of baggage from the horrible life he’s had and is such an incredibly sweet man despite all of that. I hate his drinking and I worry about him, but most of all I hate the time that he doesn’t spend with me because he is preoccupied. I refuse to give up, I love him too much. I think that perhaps I should try an Al-Anon meeting, but I guess I’m kind of hesitant and don’t know if it will help.

I began going to Al-Anon meetings as an undergrad, but stopped going once others couldn’t always go with me. I was too embarrassed. I am trying now to make an effort to go back.

Thanks, everyone, for all the comments. They are giving me hope.

I wake up angry, have nightmares, which only seemed to let up a bit since I found my sponsor and I started regularly using my CES (cranial electronic stimulation). I still have sleepless nights (like tonight), but they are farther and farther in between. This is my first time writing on the website and I am really glad it is here for everyone. I want to start dating again, but I am afraid sometimes that if I move forward too soon, I will end up with an alcoholic this time, instead of an enabler like the first time.

I am thankful to God for a second chance with my mother, my loving daughter, and having food and a roof over my head. Now if I can just tame that little anger beast : ) Let Go and Let God, as we say!!!

Al-Anon teaches me I could not have expectations of someone who is suffering from the disease of alcoholisim. I needed to know this to protect myself emotionally. However, the idea in developing a healthy, intimate relationship is to allow myself to become vulnerable. One of the ways to become vulnerable is to have expectations of each other.

Al-Anon has taught me to have plan B to protect myself from the inconsistencies. In a healthy relationship expectations are met. Realistic expectations are important in developing a framework for a healthy relationship (e.g., saying that the alcoholic will pick you up a the grocery store at a certain time, or be there to look after the children, etc.). Simple by my standards, but not for an alcoholic who suffers from the disease of obsession and their body has allergies to the alcohol.

My son is now dealing with cocaine addiction and again I am reminded to not have expectaions. This disease, I have found out recently from Al-Anon, is progressive. It stays in the body forever and when the person relapses it continues from where the person last picked up, and it only gets worse from there. With addiction, it is different from alcoholism, as the life of an addict is short-lived and can be very sudden. That is my reality since I have met parents who have lost their young adult children to this horrible disease. Al-Anon provides me with great education. It is free and I get to learn about myself and how to make me healthy; all I have to be is willing and open. “One day at a time” is keeping me from obsessing about my son. It’s not easy, but I pray, pray, pray. God bless all that are affected by this disease.

I’ve found it in his briefcase, basement and all the other stuff. The water bottle filled with Vodka on our vacation…was the best. Al-anon is so right…we can do nothing to control it…so I might as well not even look for the bottles. When am I going to learn?

As above, I’ve been angry, I separated from him for six months, I’ve tried bargaining…that I will drink a glass of wine with him at a nice dinner, if he promises not to “sneak.” Well, now he gets the glass of wine at a dinner, and then he is also sneaking. I’ve been attending Al-anon meetings for over a year, and he also goes to AA meetings…(sometimes sneaking drinks after the meetings.) He goes quite often…because he likes all the people there…but he will lie at the meetings.

He’s a charmer, “everyone likes him” type of guy, and very social. He goes to the meetings and lies (that he’s been sober..he even told me this.) He lies to his sponsor. I’ve asked him if he’s told him that he has a glass of wine with me. He said, “No, i just can’t.” I called the sponsor tonight and told him about his social drinking, sneaking, and about how he had been lying to him for over five months about his sobriety. I then handed my husband the phone to tell him. Another probably “NO” that I shouldn’t have done, but I did.

I’m really at the point, “Would my life be better without him? I’m even asking, do I want to put up with this disease? (Yes, that is making me feel terrible. I”ve been looking up divorce lawyers tonight also.) I do know that I need to calm down and not overreact, but I’m seeing a night alone without a man slurring his words, as so nice.

This is a good place to vent. Good luck to all of you. We all know each other’s pain. Someday, I hope I’ll recover myself. I just can’t seem to let go of my own emotional feelings when I see him drunk.

My mother was a rager all my life, so she probably had issues trusting my dad. I married an alcoholic, and then came very similar issues that I did not trust him because of affairs he has had. Now I see the pattern and the dysfunction. I have been told that even though I have come from dysfunction that does not mean I have to choose it today.

My son is addicted to crack cocaine and I go to Al-Anon meetings. There I meet people with similar situations. I listen to their experience, strength, and hope. The program teaches me about loss of life that’s a reality for me and to focus on my life one day at a time with God as my parent.

He has gone back to using and has left me with a 30 thousand dollar debt, and I have helped him with his rent. I am constantly worried about him. I have keys to his place. One night I slept there and came home because I was so sick. I went back there to clean his apt. He has no idea what I go through because his only desire is to get high. Last time I went over there I found empty cough medicine and Tylenol and Gravol bottles, that he takes all at once. He has been using and/or drinking since he was 15. I feel so helpless and I keep going to meetings and doing my Steps.

He has gone to A.A. in the past. I believe he also has a brain disorder, but I don’t know what came first–the addiction or the brain disorder. When he is well, he is so kind and considerate and as a mom I am so confused with this behavior of addiction that is so prevalent in the world today.

I know parents that have lost their children to addiction, and now the reality is that I may be one of those parents. His father basically abandoned our son, so there has been very little contact or none. I understand and do know that this disease only gets worse and is progressive, so he has lost everything and has sold all his clothes and has nothing. When he will hit bottom, I don’t know. I do know that I pray for him and he is in God’s hands. Yesterday I thought that if God does take him at least he will be in peace. I feel sick thinking these thoughts as a mom. Thanks for listening, and God bless.

I am not myself , and haven’t been for a long time. I know this is a very unheathly relationship for me. I know my life is consumed by worrying about him and his addiction. He now has nowhere to live. Almost all of his family n friends are shutting him out. Besides the people that have the same addiction.

He is severely sick and wouldn’t take the help the hospital offered. He signed himself out and wouldn’t stay to get better. He thinks he can do this on his own. He has been battling his addiction for maybe 15yrs. It’s just completely out of control. I love him and care for him so much.

I want out but always seem to go back because he promises to get help and stop. But how many times do I have to deal with the fact of him dangering himself or others around him. I’m afraid of him when he is wanting to get high. I’m afraid to leave, thinking he might get even more depressed and OD again. It has affected my life to where I barely talk to my friends or family, have called off work because I’m so depressed. I pray every day for the strength to move on and get my life back!

I have spent years loving him and trying to do what was best for him, as hard as some of it was. We are at a point now where I don’t know if I could ever love him again. He has allowed his family to use me as the scapegoat, and it is such a betrayal. They should be grateful and loving for all that I have held up in spite of his abuse. Instead they are hateful and judgemental towards me. And he just allows it. It’s like he is kicking me when I’m down. He allows it because it offers him one safe place where he’s not the bad guy. I walk around sick to my stomach, thinking of the hypocrisy.

I do not go overboard. One or two glasses of wine a couple times a month, or whatever. But my how my life has had to change just because he cannot control his drinking. Even when a recipe calls for 1/2 cup of wine, I use something else.

Again, I am not looking for answers, but I wish I could resolve some of my anger and resentment towards him and his new-found sober friends. I get tired of hearing about what wonderful people they are. Most of them are on marriage # 2 , 3, or 4. I sometimes wonder if that will happen to us when he is ready for the 13th step, which I recently heard about. Some of the women that attend these meetings are probably waiting for Mr. Wonderful–blah, blah, blah.

I do not want to go back to his drinking, but not sure what the answer is here. I have been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings and they did not do much for me. Why should I have to do the Steps? Maybe I have not been to the right meeting yet. Nor do I really want to attend them. What this all comes down to is, do you stay with this person or move on? After 30 years I really don’t think I want to move on, but sometimes I am just not sure.

I spoke with my sponsor and she gave me Step One to study again. I am so worse off than before because I am in so much debt over this addiction. I am on a disability and just make it month to month. I do not know what to do about all these debts and I am so overwhelmed. My son has nothing and all his clothes he has sold for drugs. I am doing my best to just get to meetings. I have suffered from depression before and now I am not sleeping and just in constant worry. I pray to God for my son and that’s all I can do. I know parents who have lost their loved ones to this disease, and now the reality is that I may be one of those parents. God bless all of you who are affected by this horrible obbsession of alcohol and drugs, and the ones obssessing over their loved ones.

As he is looking at 10 years in prison for common assault, he wants me to take responsibility for my reactions. I feel I have been punished enough, and honestly, just want to leave. But after 20 years, and the ’sweet’ times, I don’t know what to do! It’s hard enough to believe that he really really wants me, when all I have heard is that he doesn’t.

I understand the above paragraph, by Lil’ Nel, the sneering and verbal abuse. I cried on my way home from work, because I knew what I was walking into. I know I didn’t cause, can’t control, and certainly, cannot cure him. But I also wonder if our relationship is a part of his problem.

He sent flowers to his sister-in-law to apologize for a drunk phone call from jail. That really hurt me. What do we get? What is our apology???????

Really gotta work on the resentment. Really gotta work on me. Not sure if I can while I am with him.

I did love him dearly and he was a great provider, but the verbal, emotional, and psychlogicial abuse became so intense that I lost all self-esteem. My God-given skills were quickly disappearing and I was working less and less, really unable to cope with the constant rage and secretly acting-out sexually.

I had been attending regular Al-Anon meetings and found some solace there. When it comes to guts, it did take everything I had in me to be brave and make a choice to not be abused. It was very difficult afterwards, financialy and emotionally. I had a nerveous breakdown, but I have found myself again with the help of Al-Anon, and I am starting to climb out of the financial situation. I lived in a state of fear for 2 years as it got progressivly worse, and the anxiety and sleepless nights were frequent. I am learning to gently start to walk through my fears and start a new life today. One Day At A Time, with the grace of God.

There is no intimacy in our marriage, and no communication. I truly believe he is a good man, but with a sickness. But I have come to a point that I can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Parts of me want to leave and just erase this mistake I have made. I have tremendous guilt for entering into a marriage and having a child with someone I knew to be an alcoholic. The more he drinks, the more hurtful he is towards me. He says things like, “Well, you’re fat. Just stop eating and I’ll stop drinking.”

I feel trapped, confused, sad, angry, hurt and alone most of the time. I thought that maybe if I just ignored it, the problem would go away. A friend thought maybe I should attend an Al-Anon meeting. I am scared to go because that means this whole thing is real, but after listening to this podcast maybe there is some hope for me to learn how to deal with this and find the strength to stand up for myself and my daughter.

I remember as long ago I implored my boyfriend’s brother: please, don’t send him money. Don’t support his illnesses. His comment was: if I don’t send money he will become homeless!

Since we stopped supporting him with money he is recovering.

I don’t say it worked quickly, and what I felt was a nightmare. I was extremely scared. I sweat and I trembled.

The solution was in God’s hands and the support of Al-Anon. Thanks to them!

Our therapist has said some things that I believe releases him from the responsibility of what his drinking has done to our family. Now he is angry all the time, feels not respected and unappreciated. He has said that he does not want to be with me and yet I am afraid to leave. Afraid of what that will do to him. Afraid to admit I have failed at my marriage. I am starting to think that there is no way I can be any more unhappy without him than I am with him. And sometimes it takes more guts to let go.

So when the sun goes down, I start to worry about everything–what he is going to say, how I am going to respond, our daughter, our future, etc. He is a good man and follows through on all his responsibilities. I feel full of guilt because I know my coldness and indecision is hurting him. I just don’t know what to do. I have been in Al-Anon for a year now and it has helped tremendously. I know I am not alone and that I have a Higher Power who is looking out for me. I just wish I knew what to do. I relate to the point about having the guts to stay instead of leave. I feel this way too, sometimes.

I vowed to never marry another alcoholic or allow them to manipulate and control my life. Now I am saddened that what I tried so hard to stay away from is now back in my life daily. I love my husband beyond measure; he is smart, handsome and can be the sweetest man on earth, but has rages from the alcohol that can flare at any second of the day over any small thing. He has a serious habit of blaming me for everything that he doesn’t agree with, that has moved, that he can’t find, whatever. He loves to criticize and tear me down, and my family down.

The anger I feel towards him when he unleashes his anger on me consumes me. I try hard to keep my own anger suppressed, because I know it isn’t healthy or helping the situation. He pushes and pushes me. He wants me to talk to him and listen to him, but his idea of talking is controlling the conversation and lecturing me for hours. If I try to speak during his lectures or make a comment, he will tell me to shut the “F- Up” or, “You are not listening to me; look at me when I am talking to you,” or, “You don’t care about me or my feelings.”

I try to love him regardless of what he says or does to me. I try to remain calm and in control of my feelings, but sometimes I can’t. I do not want to leave my husband or go through another divorce. We are both Christians and I believe in the ultimate healing of God, but I know that healing will not come until my husband admits that he has a serious drinking problem.

I have been through Al-Anon as a child and young adult. I know what I must do most of the time. Today after reading these, I realize that he is trying to get me to react to his anger and emotions.

I hate the instability of never knowing when the next time will be, and have stopped going anywhere with him where alcohol may be present. I do not even know if I want to stay married to him any longer. I hate what he is when he drinks. I have a hard time even being civil anymore. It helps me to see the other comments above and know I am not alone and that others have survived this hell. I went to one Al-Anon meeting a couple years ago, but wasn’t ready then. I know I need to go back and keep going back so that maybe one day I can wake up and not feel sick anymore. I feel alone, tapped out, and scared.

Several months ago, my boyfriend of many long years ago, (when he and I were 15 years old), contacted me. I have not been in a meaningful relationship for 20 years and this man has really touched my heart. After several months of fun banter on the internet and phone, he came to visit me. We had a lovely time, but I suspected something was ‘wrong’, but was not sure what it was. There were several times on the phone, that I suspected ‘things’ were not right, but I did not want to believe that all was not well! It seemed like our meeting again after all these years was ‘fate’, such a wonderful gift. But now, it feels like torture!

He is an alcoholic, he knows it, he is not delusional about his disease. He has spent many hours, days, years, in both drunkeness and sobriety. He knows how the disease works. And he also knows the successes people have in AA, because he has had those also!

I feel he has come into my life for many reasons. I feel God allows that or even helps that to happen for our growth, learning, and understanding. I just wish I had all the answers right now. I am not a very patient person, so I guess that is one of the lessons I must learn. I want this man in my life, and then I want him to go away, because it’s too hard. He has made me realize how alcohol has effected my life, before he entered it. My grandfather, father, brother, nephew, cousins, all are alcoholics and or drug users.

I have recently started going to Al-Anon. It’s good, and I am grateful for the program. It’s just so painful right now. It’s hard. I feel numb, then sad and despairing. Thanks for letting me share.

He is coming home soon and all the emotions, such as anger and stress, are returning as well. I need to be strong and take the first step and attend Al-Anon for the information and support.

I know that I do not want to go back to his lifestyle. Reading the posted comments, I too do not have power over his drinking. I am just scared of actually facing the reality of it all!!

It’s so amazing…it’s like you’re walking around in this haze thinking, how did I get here? Jeez, how dumb. You go to college for four years and your goal is to graduate. So, you date someone for years and your goal is to get married but you don’t ever stop and look at all of the other person’s behaviors and think, is that the way I want to live my life? I mean, that’s exactly what I should’ve done, but have no reason why I didn’t.

How did I not say, “In 5, 10, 15, 20 years I want to be here and live this kind of life”? Well, it’s never too late and I’m not going to live this kind of life anymore. Now, if I could just find an awesome 2 bedroom apt. to move to! lol Oh, it’s not going to be easy, but I give it to God. I’m going to pray, pray, pray and hopefully something will work out.

All I can do for him now is pray for him. It’s out of my control. It never was.

I have a young toddler who is learning from me as I did from my mother. Hopefully I’ll be able to guide her toward the right person/relationship by example.

God Bless all of you.

I am married to an alcoholic and I have 3 children and a grandson. They are my children from a previous marriage. I left my husband for months because of his drinking, lying, cheating , verbal abuse, violent outbursts and irresponsibilities. He ended up in jail for a year and during that time I was right there for him. Visited him 3 times a week, sent him money, paid/sent weekly packages. I felt in love with him all over again. He was sober. When he was released he moved back in with me and two of my children. It was all good for 3 months; then the drinking started, money problems, verbal abuse, etc.

I ended up on medical leave for 4 months for stress, anxiety and depression. He was never there for me. Just put me down, said nothing was wrong with me but I have become a lazy bitch, etc. If I keep going to the ER for my nervous breakdowns I am afraid they will admit me into a psycho ward. I have gained 40 lbs since he has been back. I have scars on one arm from eczema. I have lost my self-esteem, motivation and my wonderful relationships with my children, family and friends. He ruins every special occasion and holiday I once loved. I want him out of my life. He harasses me and tries to blame me for everything.

Today he I thought he was going to kill me and anyone in front of me by chasing me and tailgating me. I was so scared that I thought I would end up hurting someone or killing them by rearending them if they were in front of me. I am at a loss. But reading and listening to others gives me hope.
Thank you all for sharing your painful stories.

I spoke to my sponsor (I thank God every day she is in my life) with sadness and she listened lovingly. I told her that I am only doing well and feeling happy when he is going to his meetings and not using. She went on to say that I should go back to Steps 1, 2, and 3, that I must remain happy and conduct a happy loving life if my son is using or not. It’s so hard. I am back to hoping he will get arrested so he can get the help he needs.

When he was using I prayed that he got arrested, that way he could not harm anyone or himself. Now I will pray for God’s will for him, as I believe that my son only came from me but he is really God’s to do His will. This concept gets very confusing for me at times, but I must go back constantly to Steps 1, 2, and 3. Thank you, and God Bless.

My problem is that I’ve felt really afraid beyond the manageable point, reaching that mood in which you are paralyzed and can´t function in a logical and healthy way. Let me share this: When I started attending school, from kindergarden (6 years old) to 2nd grade (8 years old), I remember functioning normally at school and even feeling clear-headed when I did my homework with the warming guidance of my mother. After I was in 3rd grade (9 years old), important and traumatic events happened -my older brother’s alcoholism, my father’s intense neurotic temper, emotional, verbal, and physical violence at home, etc. I began to develop the psychological trauma related to living in such a family environment. As a consequence my grades and overall school performance were negatively affected, sometimes to the point I couldn’t even write a word in my notebooks–just sitting holding a pen or pencil, and not capable of thinking, reading, and writing. Later, when I was a teenager I began to develop my sexual identity and orientation, and things got emotionally worse. Fear and sexaphobia affected my life, being subconsciously aware that I wasn’t a 100% “straight” young man. It led me to living really afraid when I was among other people, at school, at home,etc. Therefore, isolation became useful but eventually painful.

Al-Anon is helping me to understand this and to become aware of my need to look for a closer relationship with my Higher Power, a deeper faith, a courageous opennes to interact with people, my sponsor, at work with other employees including my boss, but most important to interact with myself, in a positive and healing way.

I realized that I needed Al-Anon, I needed help , I had suicidal thoughts, and I didn’t know anywhere else to turn. I didn’t know how to stop the emotional pain that I was in. I had also started to take a sincere look at my spiritual life. I did what Al-Anon suggested that I do. I went to meetings, I got a sponsor, I read the literature, and I helped with service work. And things started to get better. I started to get better.

When I first came into the meetings, I felt overwhelmed and hopeless. I cried and cried, no matter where I was. Today, those days feel like a zillion miles away. I have serenity today. My home is very peaceful. I learned that I am responsible for my own happiness and I can let other people live their own lives and it’s NOT my business what they choose for themselves. I have remained single all these years. I have learned that I can make choices for myself and my decisions are MINE, I don’t need to have anyone’s approval or if I want to change my mind– that’s okay, too. The Al-Anon program has helped me with my attitude and my self-esteem. I would recommend Al-Anon to anyone, in a heartbeat!

I will forever be thankful to my friends in Al-Anon for helping me raise my 2 children. When I didn’t trust my own judgement, I would ask for help from around the ‘tables’ of Al-Anon. Just because my ex-husband and I had divorced, it didn’t mean that it was ‘easy’ concerning our children. But, Al-Anon helped me to say ‘nice’ things about their dad and to treat him with respect and pray for him. This could have only helped our situation.

Today I wish him ‘well’ and know that I was wrong to blame him for everything. Now I can see and admit that it takes two, and I played my part. I can forgive myself and see that we both did the best we could, at the time. We were both imperfect, trying to have a perfect life.

I am not a ‘huggy’ kind of person but Al-Anon has shown me how to accept ‘hugs.’ Through the program I have been able to have much better relationships by trusting , being as honest as I can be, and saying what I mean, but not saying it mean. I have gotten more from Al-Anon than I could possibly list here. So, I will forever be a very grateful member of Al-Anon. And I’m thankful for the alcoholic who brought me to Al-Anon. It changed my life (for the better)!

Thanks so much!

My husband goes on binges. I can have him totally sober for a few days and it’s absolute bliss, but then before I know it, he’s drinking and it’s a scary situation. I fear him and his behavior. I never know what he’s going to say or what he’s going to break. The home we worked so hard to put together has been broken down, one door at a time, one hole in the wall at a time, etc. It’s frustrating and lonely. I made a commitment to love him through sickness and health. What a difficult road this has been.

Now I see it day in and day out. Even when he’s sober he is obsessing about drinking, or any little thing will set him off and he will reply “I have to drink.” He drinks untill he is unconscious. He is often violent when he is drunk. I am terrified that he is developing alcoholic psychosis and that one day he will freak out and I will suffer an attack from him that I might not recover from.

I love this man. In fact he is the only man that I have ever truly loved with all my heart, and I still do. I have decided that I need to get out of my current living situation and be on my own, and to find help for myself. But the catch is that I do love him and I don’t want to abandon him or to end our relationship. I want to help him.

I do believe that he is a good man at heart. He is the son of an alcoholic and he was severely abused as child, and that I think he is the way he is because of that. I think he desires to be a better person, but is afraid of change. I don’t know if I should even bother with trying to care for him and about him. I don’t know if I should just move on or try to help him understand. I don’t know if I would just be wasting my time and continuing to be a victim.

He’s a binge drinker, and since he doesn’t get drunk “every day” or even every week, he thinks he doesn’t have a problem. My heart is hurting so badly on top of being angry. One part of me wants to go find him and make sure he’s ok, as I’m worried that he’ll do something stupid since he’s in a hotel room, probably passed out at this point. I am contacting a local meeting place tomorrow and going to my first meeting.

We’ve both been unemployed for 6+ months and are both depressed and angry over job situations. We have been living with my 20-year-old son for the past 2 months until something came thru on a job. Why do feel like I’ve got to make sure he’s OK and hasn’t either killed himself or someone by driving drunk? Why is it so hard to let go?

This has been an ongoing fight for the entire 9 years we’ve been married. I’ve asked him repeatedly to just stay away from me when he’s drunk, as I think he’s so ignorant when he tries to speak to me while drinking. I totally lose respect for him. I wish that I hated him so this would all be easier. But sometimes I DO hate him when he’s drunk. I just don’t know what I should be feeling or what to do. I’m angry and hurt and sad.

I feel empty inside. I feel more alone than she does. At least she has a drink. All I’ve got is an empty shell of a human–coz that’s what she is, a walking bottle of wine. I love her so very much, but I am beginning to resent her big time. I look at her sometimes when she is trying to remember a story or recall something, when she has had a few, and I think to myself just shut up, stop bumbling, put the drink down, get some help, and do it for yourself, your mum, niece, and please don’t do this to yourself.

I know it’s not my fault, but it’s not her’s either. What can i do? I just won’t allow her to be taken from this earth via drink–no way!!

As I age, I get concerned about this son. He has spurts of being ok, but they don’t last very long. I’d like to see him do better while I’m alive to be a back up, but I’m wondering if our supporting him has hindered him. Don’t know what to do, except the obvious first move for my self, getting to meetings.

They are both adults now and they say, “Mom, why do you put up with Dad’s crap? You’ve threatened to leave him, then you stay. Start thinking about yourself.” My friends and co-workers say the same thing, “How much more can you take?” It certainly is a lonely life, no friends to visit, no family visits, no going out for a nice meal. I can’t even take him to my work Christmas party cause he makes a jerk out of himself and embarrasses me.

I am one of the most happy-go-lucky types and I am so miserable and lonely. I’m sick of crying myself to sleep. I don’t want him to touch me, so then I think I am being a rotten wife. So since I won’t let him touch me, the first thing out of his mouth is, “Are you having an affair?” I’ve had a very successful career and am now on my second career. If I divorce him, he will get half of my retirement and I know he will drink it away. When do the tear ducts dry up? Oh, my God. I’m sad, confused, and not sure what to do.

It will be hard to go by myself, but I must have the courage. I am scared to walk in alone (a friend was supposed to attend with me but I can’t count on her). I’m scared to see people I may know. Not many people know about my husband’s drug problem and I don’t want the word to get out because we own our own business. I must learn how to stop being an enabler. Will Al-Anon help me with this? There are many more Al-Anon meetings than Nar-Anon and I was wondering if these would be just as useful.

My daughter is a senior in high school and doesn’t even live with us, because she is tired of putting up with it. This situation has really torn me apart. I feel like maybe, one day, he will change. So far, it seems to be a lot of empty promises. It started out like someone else said above, they promise to change and not drink, but it doesn’t seem to work.

I also have another child who is a teenager and very tired of all of this! I feel like I am stuck in this rut with so many decisions to make and don’t know what to do!

I feel like I have given my husband every opportunity to change. I have warned him and warned him.
I just want him to get help and change. He tried going through a behavioral-health program and ended up quitting.

I am very frustrated and just want a better way of life! But I don’t feel like I want to leave him, because if I do I feel like he couldn’t be trusted to be faithful to me.

I come to this website today, because I have many people saying, “If you’re not going to leave, you need to at least go to the Al-Anon meetings.”

It was here in Al-Anon that I understood it was ok to feel my feelings, any feeling. It is great to talk about them, and that it was horrible and sad to grow up psychologicaly conditioned to always say that I was fine, and so on. Feeling anger is ok because I am human. Talking with my sponsor about this feeling is also healthy and very important to my mind and heart.

I want to share an experience about this: Years ago my sister, her little son, and her daughter visited my mother. I was also there and I started talking with my niece and nephew. I asked them how they were doing, and their answers overwhelmed me. It was also a kind of regression, because they answered, -almost like robots- that they were fine, at school everything was going very well, and they showed the same kind of polite, litany conditioning. Well, I told them - being as natural and easy going as I could. I recall almost like playing a game, that it was possible and right to talk about anything that they didn´t like, and their attitude changed almost with some kind of emotional thirst. I remember my niece quickly telling me she accidentally fell from a chair at home and she was upset because it was painfull.

So, feeling anger and talking about it is fine, very human and healthy. Horrible things can happen in my mind, heart, and body when I don’t talk about my feelings.

Things haven’t been easy during the weeks he’s been gone. I’ve kept the house going (4 acres), loved and cared for our three children, run two businesses, and slowly fallen apart. When I’m alone I cry my heart out because I miss him. I’m lonely, and I just want back the love and companionship we shared. We always talked about growing old together, but when I see him my emotions come out as anger and resentment. I’m afraid I’m pushing him away. I love him so much.

Since he’s come home he’s not shown me any emotion - no kiss hello, no hugs, not even good-night. He kissed the kids good-night - just not me.

I’ve tried to explain to him that I miss the intimacy we used to have, the way even when he was drunk he could still offer me support and love when I needed it. Does being sober mean that we can no longer have that relationship? I still see him as my husband, lover, sole mate, life partner - but I’m not sure if he feels the same.

Thank you for reading my sharing.

That simple, but somehow powerful, negative way of thinking had driven me to feeling kind of trapped, feeling really scared, almost constantly emotionally reacting - not in an outgoing way, in an ingoing way, though, inside my head and my heart.

Thank you, Al-Anon, for letting me share.

I found out that my family had terrible communication problems, and therefore secrets were part of our family for decades. For instance, this year my father died because of lung cancer. After this loss, I heard my father was born in Chiapas, México. Since I was a kid, I was told he was born in Acapulco, Guerrero. This kind of secret was kept hidden and “nurtured” with shame, embarrassment and guilt for decades.

Now, thanks to Al-Anon, I´m convinced there are no more hidden secrets.

The problem is that when he comes back and tells me it’s going to be all better, I believe him–as much as I don’t want to, I do. I’m not sure if he has been faithful to me when he goes on these drunken and drug binges, and it’s starting to drive me insane. I want to know some examples of letting go and letting God. I say it over and over but it doesn’t seem to help because it’s only words. I’m not actually putting that slogan into use. I’d like some ideas on how to work this slogan.

I have three children (not his)that I feel like I am constantly having to apoligize to for his behavior. I feel like (and so does his family) that if I leave him he will drink himself to death. Not over a period of time, but maybe all in one or two nights.

I love him dearly, so I’m at a total loss about what to do. My children have had to listen to him on his drunken rages and I don’t feel like I can help them recover if I keep putting up with this disease. I still like to have a beer or two now and then, but every time I do he throws it in my face that I shouldn’t be preaching. I quit drinking at all for a while and he was just as mean, so I don’t know where to go from here.

I am 61 yrs old, had an alcoholic father who although he quit drinking the last five years of his life, died at 69 because of his drinking and toasted lifestyle. My childhood was fraught with drunken weekly/daily scenes. My mother stuck by him until he coldly left her for another woman when I was 18.

At 38 yrs old I thought I had finally found a good man and we were together/married for 19 yrs until he suddenly/coldly left me for another woman/life.

After my divorce four yrs ago I was in one relationship with a man for 20 months who, as it turned out, was dealing pot a great deal. We broke off in June and I commiserated with my boyfriend from age 21. We had little contact in those 35 yrs. I saw him four years ago. It was good but the next time it wasn’t, which he blamed on his knee (it was one week before replacement surgery). This summer he, too, was just struggling with a broken relationship and we became involved again. It all seemed good. He visited me in August; we were very happy. His knee replacement was healed and he seemed relatively healthy albeit overweight. It was very promising that we knew each other, had many years apart with time to get to know each other again. He told me he was going to AA for coke use, because of one weekend four years ago and then another relapse four months ago. I questioned him about it and found out months later from his AA buddies that he lied terribly.

He was hospitalized in early October with a flesh-eating bacteria that attacked his arm three days before I was to arrive on a test-run mission of living and working together at his place. He almost lost his life. I found out through his AA buddies that he has been an IV coke user for 33 yrs and this precipitated if not directly caused his life-threatening illness. He is still in the hospital, getting many treatments for necrotizing fasciitis and consuming dilaudid constantly. I confronted him on his addiction, asking for the real story (I’m not sure that he even can speak the truth to himself). He speaks of a re-birth and that he is reading the AA 12 steps, will not need rehab (finally admitted to trying rehab five times), that this time it’s different and we can be a happy couple. He has been a well known scientist and runs his own company (however I am not sure how well as of late). Although I would like to believe in his intensions, I really don’t.

When I saw him in the hospital I was shocked that I was physically attracted to him. He was never much to look at but now he is a monster. One arm is skinless and with muscle/tendon/bone loss, he’s dopey from all the morphine derivatives, overweight, lethargic and out of shape; a liar to boot. Now, why was I attracted to him?

He suggested that I go to Al-Anon or ACA because of issues with my father. That made sense, but I am a bit reluctant since he suggested it without addressing his issues, implying that my issues are important. I recommended that both of us take a break for a year while he stays clean and re-visit a possible romantic relationship after that year. He initially agreed but now he is asking for that to change since he feels strongly about his powers to heal and wants me in his life.

Could my attraction to him/monster be rooted in my feelings for my alcoholic dad? I do love him. However, that love seems to be dissipating the more I think about the relationship.

I have started to realize that I have very strong feelings–anger, resentment, loneliness, pain, but I now see it is ok to have all these emotions. It is how I deal with them that is important. Just today loneliness came up for me. I would have been annoyed with myself before for having such self-pity for myself, but today I felt it, cried, told myself that it was perfectly ok for me to feel this feeling, but then I wrote all the reasons why today I needn’t feel this feeling.

My Al-Anon friends are there for me. I have taken up a new hobby (dancing). I have more friends there, and I was able to tell my husband how I felt and that it was ok for me to feel lonely but that now I had ways of dealing with it.

I thank my Higher Power for helping me with this situation today, and I hand over my alcoholic husband, my son & daughter to him every day, and myself. In doing so, I ask him to be with me so I will do his will, as I now know without him my life would be definitely unmanageable. I know without my weekly meeting I would not be as well as I am. My story seems so less important than others’ in the room, but I must tell it as honestly as I see it, and in doing so I can move on. Thank you. “One day at a time” and the Serenity Prayer are my life lines, together with my meetings–just for today.

She is drinking again, and I’m angry because everyone’s out of a job and she quits (Plus, they suspected she may have been drinking, but she could have taken a leave of absence). I feel she’s going to use the death of her nephew to “drain” the family members even more. (Now she has no paycheck and is drawing on her savings.)

Today she’s announced she’s going to a rehabilitation program in Florida, so we family members have to care for her dog. We’re afraid she will only stay two or three weeks tops and return only to start drinking again with the holdays coming up. We asked her just to try a local rehab center first, so it doesn’t drain her insurance. We felt she might be able to work it out because she’s only been drinking on and off for a week, but she blew up at us with rage. I don’t know if I made a mistake by asking her this. So I’m mad at her and mad at myself. I was doing good but it all of a sudden got to me. I’m drained!!

I refuse to “get happy” when I think he will “get better,” because I am only let down again. I’m tired of crying, worrying, and feeling lonely and sad. I’m afraid of losing my house. Thank God my son is grown and out of the house. Not that this would be anything new to him, but he doesn’t need to see it anymore.

I have absolutely no faith at this point that he will ever stop drinking and be like the rest of his family and drink himself to death. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. I have checked into it and know where to go. I just can’t bring myself to it and then I say to myself, “Why do I need to go? Why can’t I just get rid of the problem?” It’s just not that easy, is it?

I’m worried that the combination of meds and alcohol will kill him and sometimes I wish they would. He’s said many times that the only reason he is alive is because of me, and I think that’s true since he’s been suicidal since I met him. But he is such a good man otherwise! I love him and don’t want him to hurt, but he’s not doing anything about getting a life now that he is retired, so he does the drugs and drink thing to block mental and physical pain.

Usually I go to work, have my own separate life, etc., and am really relaxed in my own home only when he is gone. Do I go to his next doc appt with him and tell the pain doc that he’s drinking like mad? He’ll be furious, but he’s been lying to her for years. I keep suggesting things for him to do, but usually if it comes out of my mouth he won’t do it. We had someone I work with stop over last night and he embarrassed me to death with his rude, crude behavior and I watched myself drinking too much wine because of the awfulness of the situation.

Recently, he borrowed money from me to pay some bills because he was having money issues. He works construction and my work often hires him (I am a property manager) to do construction projects. He did pay me back right away. Last weekend he went on vacation to Florida for 2 weeks. He is expecting a check from my employer, but instead of waiting for the money to come he went with a small amount of cash on him and wanted me to make a bank deposit when the money came in the mail. (He wasn’t concerned about the half hour drive to his home to do this — of course). It turns out that the check will actually not be received until after he returns from his trip. I had to give him this news today and of course I feel so bad about it and don’t know whether or not I should loan him the money. If he doesn’t pay me back it will put me in a real financial mess and cause problems in my marriage. I feel that I will not be a good Christian if I do not help him.

My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic. He has been flirting with Step One for the past few months and has been attending meetings sporadically for the past year. He has a sponsor and has made some seemingly good connections in the program and says he knows he has a problem and wants to be proactive about it, yet he has relapsed more times than I can count. The first three years we were together he tried to hide his drinking from me. Finally it got so bad (or rather noticeable) that he came forward and admitted to me that he has a problem. I wanted to be there for him and to be as optimistic as possible.

He lives at home with his parents. I work full time and go to school full time. I am going to school to be a social worker, so this obvious “I’ll fix-you” scenario has come up with my behavior towards him at first, but right now I am wondering, how I can be in love with someone who is so unhealthy?

I feel very confused and just wrote down some meeting times with the intent to go to my first Al-Anon meeting. I have been to a handful of AA meetings with my boyfriend and try my best to support his sobriety, but I’ve gotten to the point where my issues of trusting and feeling torn in two have really left me feeling like an empty shell. I hope that I can learn from meeting other people in Al-Anon and figure out how not to be an enabler.

I thank you all for your honesty and openness.