Do you ever lie to cover up the drinking?

Published by at 3:09 pm under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today Ann, Bob, and Anne will tell us if they ever told lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking problems.

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41 comments on “Do you ever lie to cover up the drinking?”

  1. Tired Wife and Mom says:

    I feel some solace in knowing I am not alone in my experiences, after reading many of these posts, but I am incredibly tired. I’m no longer angry or sad, just very, very tired of all the BS. Tonight, my husband of nearly 20 years and father of our two boys tells me he has been lying to my face nearly every day for the last two years about alcohol. According to him, I should be grateful of his coming forward and shouldn’t “dwell on the past, to move forward.” Meaning, since he’s admitted he’s lied, I should say, “Thank you,” be ok with it, and not fret that he’s been making me feel crazy because I knew he was drinking and he just lied and lied and lied about it.

    A little over two years ago, he acknowledged he had a problem with alcohol. He went to a few AA meetings, didn’t really like them, but he was seeing a therapist and we agreed that would be his support. About 6 months later, he invited me to a session with his therapist and during the conversation alcohol was brought up and it was the first time the therapist had heard anything of my husband having an issue with it.

    He has recently started a program to help him manage his drinking, not stop, but manage, and he came home tonight to tell me that he needs my help to “keep an eye on him.” He says that if he knows that I know he’s drinking, he thinks that will help him keep to 1-2 beers a night. For the last two years, I thought he was drinking maybe 1-2 beers, 2-3 times a week, all hidden (or at least he thought it was hidden), but I had no idea it was every day.

    As with many people’s situations, it is a complicated and long story as to how we got to this point, and I am so conflicted as to what to do. I want him to get better, but I’m just not sure how much I can help him to do that. He’s burned many bridges, broken many promises. He denies his behavior, both drunk and sober, and is a bully when he drinks. I don’t know if I’m ready to leave him, and I also don’t know if our being together anymore helps anyone. I wonder how do I know if/when it’s time to leave.

    I want to live a life where those close and important to me are honest, loving, and respectful. I’m tired of being second fiddle, being ignored and lied to.

  2. Kim says:

    I am at a loss as I don’t know what to do regarding my boyfriend. He is a sweet man and a loving one. He is not violent or verbally abusive, but he can turn really idiotic and his drinking stresses me out. He tends to have two-four beers on a daily basis, and sometimes, on top of that, a bottle of wine then and again during the week on the days he is also drinking 2-4 beers.

    He keeps saying he drinks because he is bored staying indoors, but he can’t even go for a walk without having a few beers. Even though he can be without beer/alcohol for many days in a row, when he drinks he does not know when to stop.

    Then there is the fighting: He remembers things entirely wrong and argues he knows, even though he was off his head. I also think he lies about the money used for alcohol. He will be in a bar drunk but still say he only had a few drinks, yet the money seems to keep disappearing quickly somewhere. And he will get angry if I don’t give him cash to buy any alcohol. Nor will he go anywhere for the fun of it unless there is a beer on the way and a trip to a pub.

    I love him greatly, but his drinking is pushing me away and putting strain on our relationship. And yet when I bring it up the problem is never with him or the alcohol, it’s just me as I only decide to “nag” at him for nothing. I don’t know what to do.

  3. Leslie anne says:

    Reading all of these posts leaves me knowing I’m not alone and I’m not wrong. My common-law husband is an alcoholic too. Not violent but just a huge idiot when he’s drunk. Sober, he’s the sweetest man alive. He hadn’t touched booze since February 24, 2015, until my daughter’s 21st birthday. He ruined her birthday!

    She recently moved home and he’s at it! He uses anything and everything as an excuse. Right now when I confront him about drinking he finds anything about her to use as his reason. I’m really starting to believe he’s jealous of her. I have been starting to hate him more and more every time.

    He got thrown in the drunk tank and charged on Feb. 24th. I thought this would be his wake-up call, but I guess not. Death or jail are what appear to be his options.

    I gotta get out of this downward spiral. He apologizes profusely afterward and vows to go to A.A. but has not! He’s a drunk and a liar and I can’t see beyond his disease and sickness any longer. So tired!

  4. Reb says:

    I’ve been dating my fiance’ for three years now. He’s not that kind of an everyday drinker, but whenever he has alcohol he’s something else! The touch of alcohol messes everything. He can just have 4 bottles, but he gets so drunk that he even becomes violent.

    He’s a very sweet guy when he’s not drunk. Let him drink, he even starts abusing me verbally and sometimes physically. He once dropped us out of the car out of nowhere with my 6-year-old daughter, just because he didn’t want me to tell him that he is driving recklessly and he’s under the influence.

    When he’s drunk, he always lies and doesn’t want to accept his mistakes. Instead, he tries to find a knot and blames me about everything. He always apologises after he has been drunk and abusive and promises it will never happen again. But when he comes in contact with alcohol everything starts all over again. I have on many occasions told him that alcohol is not for him, because it controls him, and he was so angry he became verbally violent.

    I’ve just come to a stage where I don’t even have fun with our friends when he’s around, because when he’s drunk around our friends he does stupid and irritating stuff to me and I end up not being happy and become stupid in front of people. So whenever he mentions fun, I say no. Even when I’m invited somewhere, I feel like going alone, avoiding going with him, just for his alcoholic behaviour. But he always wants to go with me.

    He sometimes drinks with friends and if he wants to spend more time with friends drinking, he lies and tells me he can’t come home because he had to go somewhere for work — only to drink. He’s so violent verbally, and when you tell him about his behaviour he gets angry. He doesn’t want me to mention the fact that he needs help. When he sees alcohol it is like he sees a sin. He keeps on drinking more, even though one can see that he’s too drunk. Hence we stay in my apartment when he’s drunk and when we have an argument he packs his bags and goes. He even takes the dog he bought for my daughter.

    And when he is sober he apologises after some few days –but over the phone. He doesn’t ever apologize in front of my face, and when I try to confront him about it he starts to be verbally violent. And when he finally comes back home, he comes with a suprise gift for my daughter so that he can cover his whatever. And he thinks I can’t see what he is trying to do. I love him and I’m tired of him. Like I said, he doesn’t drink every day, but when he comes close to alcohol, he’s a living hell — so abusive.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    I have been dating my bf for 3 years now. I had no idea he had problems with addiction, but I guess having 2 dwi’s should have been a huge red flag! I thought he was all past that since he was in his early 20s when it happened. Now he is 31.

    It was a surprise to me when I noticed he was going thru 2-3 bottles of rum on a weekly basis. We were only seeing each other about 1-2 times a week, so when I finally would get to see him, only to find him passed out drunk when I got to his house, I was hurt and upset. I can’t tell you how many times he has told me he would stop. But of course I thought he actually might change.

    Now we have been living together for the last 6 months and I regret the decision every day. He is still drinking. I’ve found myself digging through the trash before. I’ve dumped out his bottles of alcohol. I’ve found hidden bottles in his closet. Every time we fight about it he tells me not to get upset. I just want out!

    My dad used to drink a lot and was abusive. Now my sister is an alcoholic and the last thing I want in my life is an alcoholic partner! I’ve lost all respect for him. I don’t know how I can possibly live 6 more months until our lease is up.

    He isn’t going to change for me, but I don’t think he even wants to for himself. I’m done dealing with it all. He lies about it as though I can’t smell the alcohol on his breath. Every time I leave the house it feels like he reaches for the bottle.

    He used to always be passed out and when my car broke down one day I couldn’t even reach him for help. Completely unreliable, and I’m so angry. We just had a fight yesterday and today about this, after finding a bottle of whiskey. I can’t do this anymore.

  6. JM says:

    My husband has been hiding alcohol around the house. All I can find is a few bottles of beer and a few trial size bottles of liquor like you would see at the register. It doesn’t seem to be much, but I wonder if I should be worried about the fact that he is lying and hiding it. I wonder if this is the start of something bad.

  7. Lisa says:

    I have been with my husband for 30 years and although he used to drink when I met him, it wasn’t a problem (not for about a year at least). When he drinks, he gets very verbally abusive and is very unpredictable. We have 4 grownup children, 3 of whom have left home.

    He blames his drink on his job, which is a chartered surveyor. He has hit me, strangled me on 2 occasions. The police had to break down our door and on the last occasion my 29-year-old son had to break down the door to get in to help me and his 21-year-old sister. The police were called yet again and he was taken into custody for the night–this happened 2 days before Christmas 2014. He was released and spent another night at his mother’s house.

    He doesn’t seem to think he has a problem and gets angry whenever anyone says he has–he has even been violent with his children. I should leave him, but when he’s not drinking he’s a very nice man!

    I have been putting up with it since I was 18. We are now 50 and I just don’t know what to do. I had a party at Christmas (which he didn’t attend, as he has been violent with my daughter’s boyfriend on other occasions). The left-over drink was hidden in the loft, but he’s found that and goes up there drinking it when I’m at work, I sound like a bit of a loser, but haven’t actually told many people about this. There is so much more, but will need about a year to tell it all. This is the most recent, and I don’t know what I should do.

  8. Kristi says:

    My boyfriend moved in just over a year ago. It was a quick move, he was selling his house and decisions needed to be made. I’ve lived with my ex-husband, but not with anyone else, and even then, we were married first.

    This is all so different. Things are different now. I’m in school and am totally reliant on him. He lets me know that 100%. And threatens to leave all the time. It hurts because I’m not with him for money, I’m with him because I do care! I’ve offered to get a job and he always says no, to focus on school. But then if he left…

    When we began dating, we did go out a lot, but I did realize how much he drank! I thought it was social. I was very wrong. His brother has the same issue and they are extremely co-dependent.

    I haven’t had a drink since this past summer. It’s always been a take-it-or-leave-it thing with me. To be honest, it scares me to an extent–when people can’t control themselves, need vices.

    And now here I find myself with him, in my home. He hides bottles of vodka, lies about how many beers, etc., and this has been going on for so long. It’s hurting me because I keep searching for ways to help him. But I think I’m really just chasing my tail. I know I can’t help him, can I.

    He yells at me when I catch him and tells me I’m crazy. He gets so angry he won’t speak to me or be nice to me at all for days, sometimes weeks. He will bring up fake conflicts of his own creation, months later.

    His parents have confronted him, without knowing how bad it is. And then come to find out, “They didn’t appreciate my demeanor, making things about him” after I let them first talk it out as a family, then let them know the things going on in the house because I’m fearful of his outbursts. He’s erratic–not violent. I feel like he’s been enabled all his life. I don’t know what’s real anymore, or what to do.

  9. judy says:

    I have been dating my boyfriend for the past three years. I first realized he had a problem when I found little bottles of alcohol in hidden spots. He would also at times act strange. I confronted him and after denying it even belonged to him he would finally admit it. He would say it was because he was sad about his divorce.

    Fast forward three years later and I can tell you stories about rage, tantrums and embarrassing public outbursts till the cows come home. Why am I still here? I don’t want to be in this anymore.

  10. JP says:

    Yet another weekend of wondering how much my husband has been drinking–and how he’s managed to conceal it. I regularly check the rubbish bin, knowing how futile this really is. Last weekend, we had a haul of dozens of cans and bottles. We took photos of them, and his bed sheet, which is soiled and has blood stains. This weekend, two wine bottles from one day alone and non-stop verbal abuse.

    But like many people on this site have said, it’s the lies that are hardest to take. Our 13-year-old is a smart and sensitive kid, who now has zero respect for his dad. My husband literally screams and rants at us both (and sometimes our daughter) in public and in the house, telling us that we’re the screwed-up ones, etc.

    According to him, after he’s been drinking, I am a slut for wearing perfume to work. Today, he yelled several obscene names at me in our street. Our neighbours completely blank us–who can blame them?

    We feel so humiliated and alone. We told my husband’s mother (who is overseas) about his problem and she immediately blamed me for being a witch, liar, etc. and refuses to communicate with me at all now. My husband thinks it’s no big deal that we found out that he was planning a long haul trip where he was going to secretly meet up with his mum.

    We work in the same place; management have asked me several times (but not him, ever!) if he has a drinking problem. I am tired of worrying about when he will bring us all down (we both have very senior roles).

    I have asked my husband to leave us and he will go away for 24 hours–and drink–then always comes back, thinking that a bit of ‘space’ has solved our massive problems. If I plan to rent a place with the kids, he goes mental, and literally runs away to book himself into a B&B or overnight rental so that we cannot carry out our plan due to the ‘unaffordable cost’ of us moving out as opposed to him.

    I went to Al-Anon with the kids last week for the first time. Their comments were really helpful. But the kids don’t want to go again, even to Alateen, because it reminds them of their ugly life at home. I am worried about leaving them with their father if I attend alone. We feel isolated and not worthy of a better life. But I am determined not to see out our days like this. A lot of the women (yes, it was all women when we attended) seem to want to salvage their marriages, etc. But I just want to get to the point where the kids and I are away from this man and are happy again.

  11. Gretchen says:

    I grew up with a completely incapacitated alcoholic mother. When I say incapacitated, I mean she locked herself in her bedroom with a bottle of vodka and slipped into a virtual coma for a decade, completely forgetting about the fact that she had two children at home who needed her. My mother, somehow, is still alive at 74 and still cuddled up with her vodka in bed (it must be the Russian genes that keep her alive). And now, at 41, I find myself married to an alcoholic.

    My husband has had three DUI’s (always someone else’s fault), and his drinking has totally destroyed my trust in him. I lived for six years without realizing that he was drinking on the way home from work, but when we finally started sharing a checking account, I couldn’t deny all of the charges at the 7-11 and cash withdraws.

    The rage I feel when he lies to me about whether he’s drinking is so unhealthy because it’s rooted in all of my childhood pain from my mother. She has always lied about drinking, even when she’s holding a bottle of vodka, she claims she’s “not drinking.” Now he lies just as bad as she does, and I feel such unhealthy rage.

    I can’t help but feel such anger in myself, too. How could I have done this to myself and to my son? I have recently involved my in-laws in trying to confront my husband’s alcoholism. Unfortunately, it just made matters worse, because it gave him another reason to feel sorry for himself and drown himself in beer.

    I want to leave him and go take my life back. I can’t stand this roller coaster any longer. I feel that if I can continue on this path, my 4-year-old son will have long-term emotional effects because of the tension in this house and the cold way he sees me treat my husband on the nights he comes in wasted (not to mention the arguments that ensue when he’s feeling defensive).

    I have solicited help from some of his AA friends, who have been so unbelievably supportive and empowering (as opposed to the hardball threats from me and my in-laws). His good friend said he would be his sponsor and has spent so much time with him this week, trying to get my husband to do the steps.

    The crazy thing? I think he’s still drinking before the meetings. I’m going to give it the week and see how things play out with the AA friends, but then I am going to take my son and move into my sister’s or my mother-in-law’s house. Enough.

    I wish all of us the courage to find independence and peace in ourselves this next year.

  12. Cari says:

    Well, here I am, another Saturday night, boyfriend passed out. He lied about drinking–I found the empty bottles in the trash outside. He cannot figure out why I am so upset. I can’t believe I actually look in the trash cans. At least my ex didn’t hide his bottles. He flat out told me he would not quit and just deal with it. Not sure which is worse.

    I drove to an Al-Anon meeting but didn’t go in. Just sat in the parking lot thinking about how stupid I am to be in this situation again. I’m not sure it’s possible to get the trust back.

  13. JM says:

    I have a serious issue in my life. I suffer from depression and anxiety problems, like a majority of the world does. However, for the past two years I have continued to drink more and more. I don’t drink all the time, but when I do I always overdo it. I don’t crave alcohol nor do I need it, I just get caught up in the moment and I drink. I don’t know why.

    My wife hates my drinking and I don’t blame her. I can get very annoying to say the least, and I can really embarrass her. I am not abusive nor have I ever hit my wife or anyone else while drinking. I get loud and immature. I have been kicked out of my house several times for the drinking and given another chance by my wife every time. I would improve everything I needed to not drink again. My wife would finally start trusting me again and I would blow it. I never thought I had a serious problem. I mean in my mind I don’t have a problem for only drinking once or twice every three to four months. Right? Wrong!

    My father was an alcoholic and I’ve seen him almost destroy his marriage to my mom and his relationships with me and my sisters. I was never going to be that way, but I fear I am in the beginning stages. I have always been in control with drinking. I have never done drugs, I have never stolen anything, and I have never been to jail. I am a 29-year-old man that had a beautiful wife and great job, but I blew it all. I promised her a thousand times I would quit altogether, but as much as I tried I get sucked back in.

    I have received a DUI this year because of this drinking. I have lost friends after drinking. I have lost myself after drinking. You would think the DUI would have been a wake-up call, right? Well, it was for a while. Typically before a drink, I would leave to go hang out with friends and have no intentions to drink whatsoever and I’ll end up having one or two plus. This last time I truly had zero intent on drinking but I got caught up in the moment talking about the glory days with a friend I grew up with and boom, I have a half a beer and I guess whiskey and coke. Not much I know, but I am living proof of a true lightweight.

    I was stupid and ruined it. I returned home and my wife knows when I drink and I lied to her. I lied. Not because I wanted to hurt her, it was because I didn’t want to hurt her. It was immature and I knew what I have done is wrong. I have now ruined my marriage to the love of my life. How many chances can one person give me?

    I’ve tried therapy and gone to several AA meetings and I will continue to go to them. I don’t want to lose my wife, but all the broken promises and lies I have come up with about drinking over the past 2 years. I do not blame her for not wanting to live like this. She doesn’t deserve this pain, this type of man in her life. I am ashamed of what I have become. I will never forgive myself for what I have done. She is a very special person and deserves someone better than me. I hope that if it is truly over between her and me, then I hope she finds someone that treats her like a queen, like I started out to do.

    I know my depression and anxiety plays a huge role in my drinking issue, but I also know that I have constantly made bad choices that could have been avoided. But even if it was not my intent to have a drink, it still happens. I’d do anything for my wife, I really would, but I don’t know why I can’t control this. I am weak and foolish and now I lost the only person that truly matters the most in my life. Now I say, “I should have done this,” or “shouldn’t have done that” and punishing myself for messing up everything I worked my entire life for. I want to make it right, but I honestly believe it is too late.

    I want to be the man I started off to be. I know it will take time and I will have to be stronger than I have been. I hope it’s not too late with my wife, but I know as of for now it is. Her parents do not approve of me any longer and their approval means the world to her and me. Friends and family say that I am not a bad person, but I am ashamed of who I am, disappointed in what I have done, and hate myself for ruining my life and my wife’s.

    I am an everyday average man with hopes and dreams. I have worked my entire life to become a better person and to achieve greatness. I let alcohol take so much from me and I am now in a state of depression I have never been in before in my life. I don’t know if I can recover from the pain I am in, but I know I can and have to get the help needed to just Say no to alcohol. Sorry to post this, but I don’t have anywhere else to turn and I am losing my mind over it.

  14. Chloe says:

    I’m not really sure if my husband would be considered an alcoholic. Regardless, I will say that he loves to drink and if he didn’t have to stop he wouldn’t.

    The thing that frustrates and upsets me is when he gets unreasonably argumentative and starts on a rampage of profanities and disillusioned reasoning. He will pick fights with me and blow up over the littlest things. I’ve learned over the years just to not talk to him when he drinks, since I don’t know what will trigger a blow-up.

    Just the other day, we were going home from his parents’ house and I suggested that I drive home, since I knew he had one too many to drink. My 5-year-old asked me why I was driving and I openly told her that daddy drank too many beers.

    I don’t know if that was wrong of me to not cover up the real reason. I thought that I was teaching them how to be responsible when drinking alcohol. My philosophy is that if you drink, you don’t drive. I know that my daughter doesn’t understand the effects of alcohol and it’s not unusual for my kids to see their father drink every night. But that honest statement triggered the ugliest outbreak of rage and profanities from him, and right in front of our kids of 5 and 2 years of age.

    He just went off on how I don’t have his back and that I’m trying to paint an ugly image of him to our kids. I think it’s his own guilty conscience making him feel that way.

  15. Daisy says:

    It’s the third time that I found out that my boyfriend is hiding alcohol (Vodka) from me. We do drink occasionally at home, a few beers or a couple of shots from time to time. I don’t understand why he has to hide it from me because I told him it’s okay to drink reasonably, the last time I found out about his hidden alcohol.

    I understand that he’s under a lot of stress being a medical professional, but I’m really worried that this is going to get worse, even though he never really appears drunk to me (we live together). I don’t know what I should do. The last time I found out about the alcohol, we had a talk and he told me that he will not hide drinks from me. I’m afraid that if I tell him this time he’ll just find another place to hide it so this will never end. I love him and I want to help him, but I can’t tell anyone about this, including friends and family.

  16. Cari says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year and a half. When we met we would drink socially, but it wasn’t a problem. He proposed to me a few months ago and moved into my home with me and my teenage daughter. His drinking became a problem when I realized how much he really drank–at least a 12-pack of beer a day and/or vodka. I maybe have a glass of wine once a week–not a big deal for me. I guess now is a good time to say that my mother, ex-husband and both ex-in-laws are alcoholics.

    Anyway, it got so bad that I told him to move out. I went thru this with my ex for 21 years and my mom my whole life, so that’s a deal breaker for me.

    So, he promised he would stop drinking (I said I would not drink at all either to support him) and started going to AA meetings (I think). He supposedly went to 60 meetings in 60 days. Everything was great. Then not so much.

    So, tonight we had an argument and I asked if he had been drinking because he was verbally abusive and I know how he acts and what he looks like when he’s drinking. He said absolutely not and tried to be offended. I knew something was up. He went to bed and I went thru the garage cabinets. Found 4 unopened beers, 3 empty cans and an empty bottle of vodka. My world is crashing. I took my treasures and woke him up. He denied- said he didn’t know where they came from etc. Looking back now I know he has been drinking and lying to me.

    It’s really too bad. When he’s not drinking he’s a great guy- wonderful with my daughter. She loves him. I can’t handle the lying. If he would just tell me the truth, at least I would have something to deal with. I don’t know what to do now. Maybe just pack his stuff up tomorrow–rip the band-aid off and cut my losses.

    Sorry this is so long. I just can’t believe I fell for this again and it’s kind of therapeutic to write it down. I’ve never been to Al-Anon, but it’s probably a good idea.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen

  17. Leanne says:

    It was comforting to read through the posts. I have been on an emotional roller coaster for about 8 years. My boyfriend during that time has gone to jail and continuously lies about drinking. I have 3 children that are not his and in the past had to deal with me being in an abusive marriage.

    My boyfriend does not abuse us, but he is on probation. This causes me constant fear, humiliation and anger. I lie to others, including the law, due to feeling I would be vindictive if I were honest and his life was ruined. However, I also struggle with knowing that he lies to everyone, including his addictions counselor. This hinders him from getting any type of help. Furthermore, he will look me directly in my face and lie to me about drinking. It infuriates me that he thinks that I’m stupid.

    I’ve threatened to leave and am very serious about it since my children are beginning to come to me and express their own concerns. I’m scared that he will be alone and eventually sick–but at the same time I feel like my children and I deserve more. I feel so trapped and alone.

  18. lisa says:

    My husband has been drinking since I met him almost 10 years ago. He worked traveling almost every day and would be very tired when he got home for his 2 or 3 days off. I knew he drank, but didn’t realize it was a problem until just before we got married. I still married him, knowing that something wasn’t right. I am not much of a drinker at all–maybe I’ll have 2 drinks per year.

    My husband will not always drink, but when he does it will start on a Friday and end on Sunday or sometimes even Monday. Once he starts drinking wine or hard alcohol he doesn’t stop, and to top that off he is a light weight–affecting him after 1 drink.

    I hate it! We have 1 child and I am up front with him about his father’s drinking. I tell him how bad it is for the body and mind. I don’t go into detail, but my son who is 8 notices his dad mumbling things that don’t make any sense, when he is half-way awake on the couch.

    His parents are now noticing and think they can make him stop, but I’ve tried to explain to them that we’ve been going through this for years and until my husband realizes/admits that he has a problem nothing will change. They seem to think, without saying, that I’m giving up on my husband–they don’t realize that I’ve tried the pleading and the therapy (3 times) with him, but I know that I need to take the focus off of him and keep it on my son and myself. I’ve been doing pretty good at keeping steady and looking forward on us and looking past my husband when he drinks. A few times I’ve told him that he has to leave and go into the motor-home, which he’ll do without resisting.

    Not sure where to go from here. I can’t leave, I’m a stay-at-home mother and left my career, which was in the “travel” industry, when my son was born and can’t see going back to it when I have to and want to be here to care for my child.

    I love my husband, but it’s hard to look at him when he drinks. It’s sad to me to see him like that–like I said, I hate it.

    If he only could realize what he’s doing to his family and himself–I hope for that day–and if it ever comes I pray that it will change and remain changed.

  19. Mike says:

    I have been covering for my wife and lying to family and friends for several years. Our adult children are the only ones beside myself who know what the drinking is like. I am so tired of living this way, watching my wife drink to the point of passing out almost nightly without memories of the previous night’s events. We have the same conversations repeatedly because she can’t remember conversations. My wife has a good heart and was a good mother to our children when they were young. The later years not so much.

  20. judie says:

    Thank you so much for such great shares. I read these to understand how alcoholism affects my life as an adult child of an alcoholic.

  21. Jessica says:

    My husband and I started off as drinking buddies. We both drank too much, too often. I was a full-time college student, he worked. Well, I began to tire of the money spent, hangovers, arguing, even tired of my garbage can being filled with beer cans. He did not slow down, also got involved in heavy drugs, then I found out he was cheating on me.

    I completely fell apart! Begged him to pick me, even tried to kill myself. Well, he started using me for sex, literally, lied to me about where he was living, just lied about everything. Well, I ended up pregnant with our now two-year-old son. I married this man 9 days before our son was born.

    Now, I can drink a few beers, eat, go to bed. He buys at minimum an 18-pack of beer at a time, hides 12-packs in his truck and drinks those up after I have gone to bed. He is diagnosed bipolar and refuses medication.

    He woke up today telling our son horrible things about me. Our son is two! I haven’t worked in years, am not allowed even five dollars. We have three dogs. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I do not love him, haven’t since he broke my face last August. I left, we lived apart until Christmas. He pays the bills and refuses to leave.

  22. jan says:

    Just lost one brother to alcoholism and have another on his way to the same. It’s devastating to the whole family. We’ve just started with Al-Anon. A family dynamic can be based on lies we tell ourselves. Seems complicated, but Al-Anon helps us to see more clearly.

  23. coreen says:

    Just found this site. Thank all of you for sharing your very private posts.

    I have been with a retired male for over 3 years–only in the last few months did I see that he was drinking more and more daily. I have confronted him–been nice, yelled, etc.

    This site may be just what I need to become sane again. Living with an alcoholic is exhausting. We have a lot of friends and are in a beautiful water community. I don’t think anyone sees that my bf is an alcoholic–I am the only one who knows and I have no one to confide in.

  24. Anne says:

    My husband is an alcoholic and I am an adult(senior) child of an alcoholic and let me tell you I hate finding myself in the same position in my 60’s as in my childhood.
    He has been diagnosed with alcoholic fatty liver and told to stop drinking, but that lasted a week at most.

    He lies about his drinking, but I find wine and beer bottles around our property. I tell him he can’t lie to his liver, but he doesn’t seem to care.

    I own our home and most of our assets and have a prenup. I could force him to leave, but I don’t really want to do that at least not until I am eligible for medicare, since his employer provides our health care.

  25. Angelique says:

    I am an adult child of an alcoholic and now find myself in a three-year relationship with an alcoholic. I love this man, but feel I cannot live with the drinking, lies, and rage that seem to happen way too often. Life feels like a roller-coaster.

    I wish alcoholism was our only problem, but right now it’s at the top of our list of major issues as it causes so many other bad things to occur. My fiance is manic-bipolar without medication and drinks secretly, which causes him to act strange. My suspicion rises and I ask him if he has been drinking due to not having any other explanation and that is where the lying comes in, followed by the destructive behavior.

    He says he doesn’t want to do these things, but I have lost track of how many times it has happened. I don’t think he will ever change as his entire family drinks daily, and they are not supportive to help him with the bipolar or the drinking.

    I feel my self-esteem and self-worth diminishing and I do not like who I have become–angry and hateful. So, searching the internet I found your site. I have been to Al-Anon meetings years ago when I was a child and I think it may be time for me to seek out a local support group.

  26. Sw says:

    Yes, I have lied. It was what the alcoholic did, and then I began to lie for him.

  27. Maureen says:

    My husband drinks and lies about it. It has gotten worse this year as I have been recovering from breast cancer and chemotherapy. I have been reading the entries here and I don’t sense any outrage.

    Is Al-Anon about admitting that we lie to ourselves? If so, once you admit it–what happens then? Live with it? I am ready to leave my husband. I just don’t want to take it anymore. The kids are grown, I work and can afford to support myself. It will be a hassle selling the house and splitting everything up but I’m done.

  28. Jessie says:

    Evasive was a constant in my relationship with my boyfriend. I stopped calling my family and seeing them because I was embarassed about what was going on. I did not want to admit that I was living with someone who was an alcoholic. I felt ashamed of myself. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was continuing the pattern that my mother had, as she went from one alcoholic to the other while I was growing up. Hearing that others have gone through this is comforting as I know I am not alone. Thank you for letting me share.

  29. Roni says:

    I watched my mother lie and cover up and deny my entire life. On the other hand, I’ve always been the one to “call out.” For example, my husband will hide a beer can under the bathroom counter and I’ll bring it out and ask him who he thinks he’s hiding it from. I’ll point out that our boys find them too and know what he’s up to. I’ll tell him that he’s teaching them to conceal and be dishonest.

    I can tell you this approach hasn’t brought one positive to our lives. I guess I have been in denial about the fact that bringing things out into the open about what he’s doing isn’t my place and is a waste of time and energy. My sons and I will be going to our first Al-Anon meeting this week. It’s way over due!

  30. Leann says:

    Reading all of this makes me realize I’m not alone, but does not make me feel better. I have lied to many people but with the intention of protecting my family, my spouse.

    My husband is an alcoholic of many years. I am tired of the lies. However, the embarrassment that is caused by the alcoholic’s actions are hard to deal with too. I’m at the point there is no reason to lie, everyone that knows us at all, knows the truth anyways.

    I have thought about going to Al-Anon, but that is a hard step. I mean, I know I’m sick. I have to be to keep putting myself through this. I love my husband more than anything and I know I’m not doing any favors lying. I want to make everyone happy.

  31. RP says:

    I just learned about my significant other’s relapse after 9 years and 10 months of sobriety. I attempted to go to a local meeting (would have been my first ever), but when I arrived I found out it had been cancelled due to the Thanksgiving holiday. I came home to find another meeting and found these podcasts which have been a great help until I can get to a live meeting tomorrow.

    In the almost 2 years we’ve been together, I admired my SO’s commitment to his sobriety and actively living the Twelve Steps of AA. His relapse rocked me to the core. My trust in him and our relationship and in my ability to cope has been severely shaken. I’m trying hard to take it a day at a time, restore some confidence that I can find the serenity to live each day honestly, and pray he will regain the strength to return to a path toward sobriety again and commit to helping himself through AA.

    The idea of watching him take a destructive path is overwhelming. I’d watched a lifelong friend who passed away from alcoholism. Thanks for giving me this temporary outlet.

  32. jonzie says:

    First time doing this. It seems like a good tool to recovery in this day and age.

  33. Baarn1 says:

    In the past, I did cover up for the drinking and lied through my teeth to protect the “integrity” of our family. I lied to protect my illusion of being in control. I am so glad I don’t have to live like that anymore, I am not in control of others.

    Today, after many years practicing the tools of this life affirming way of life, I find that I continue to lie to myself in order to preserve denial. When I don’t want to deal with the “what if’s”, I can tell myself the following lies:
    “I can handle this” (whatever “this” happens to be)
    “It’s not that bad” (whatever “it” happens to be)
    “This is NOT happening. (clearly this IS happening or else I would not need to address it)
    “S/he he does not have a program…therefore not accountable for unacceptable behavior”.

    I am not totally recovered yet. As long as I am in relationship with other people, including myself, I will need to seek recovery. I don’t have to do this perfectly but I owe it to myself to be as honest as possible, whenever possible and push past the fear which cripples me emotionally at times.

    Just for today, I feel profound gratitude for finding this website. It has helped me with a 10th step inventory.

  34. Shiela says:

    First, I want to thank you for having this available. We moved recently and am having a hard time finding a new home group. I miss my former home group terribly. I was still a newbie there with only a few months under my belt. Now, I was feeling like a fish out of water until I came across these podcasts. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you being here.

    I just found out about my significant other’s relapse. I won’t go into all the details other than to say this is painful for me. We have been down this road before. However, now I have Al-Anon and that is my lifesaver. So, second, to answer the question, yes, I have avoided telling the truth and lied to myself. And, just recently, I had to have been lying to myself.

    I knew he stopped going to meetings. I know when he does that, he is lying to himself again. I know at the very least, it isn’t a good sign. I also know he has not been in contact with his sponsor. Why I didn’t look at the possibility of a relapse was lying to myself. I wanted to believe something other than a relapse.

    Now, I need to be honest with myself and take care of my place in all of this. I guess it’s back to Step One! : ))

    Thanks again for the podcasts. I do truly appreciate it.

  35. Rebecca says:

    Thank you for these podcasts. I have not yet had the nerve to go to a meeting, but this helps me to hear others experiencing the same thing as me. I come from a strict upbringing where reputation is incredibly important so I’ve always lied and downplayed my husband’s drinking. I often make a joke of it so no one thinks it’s that bad. But it’s an extreme problem and always has been. Nothing’s going to change it, but it gives me comfort to hear others. Please continue the podcasts!

  36. Julie says:

    Yes, I have.

  37. Dave says:

    I’m studing at ISU, Pocatello-Idaho. Chemical Dependency in the Family. I think you have a great program. I’m looking for even more insights. I’m studing to become an addiction counselor. Keep up the great work. Your program is helping.

  38. Tara says:

    I love these podcasts!

    I am a new member of Al-Anon and it is so nice to be able to have these “mini meetings” between my in-person meetings.

    I can really relate to a lot of what has been shared here.

    I have been lying about the effect of my husband’s drinking in regards to me and my life. I was too busy being caught up in how his drinking affected him and what I should be doing to fix him and his life. I completely forgot about myself, and it was exhausting.

    I also lied about my husband’s drinking to others, particularly my family. I did this because I was embarrassed and also because maybe it would make it more real. This really isolated me and made me feel bad about myself. I don’t want to lie about his drinking to myself or anyone anymore.

    It has been very confronting to face these things but I am grateful to have Al-Anon as part of my life now.

  39. Ann says:

    The subtleties of this share are very helpful to me, and so was listening to the conversation on the podcast. Thank you. This has convinced me that the web can be a powerful extension of my program. I didn’t believe it before.

  40. lW says:

    You are brave. I admire you and hope you have a happy life.

  41. sandlady says:

    I never had to call my alcoholic husband’s employer and my father was self-employed as a physician. Both were “high level, functioning drinkers.” The main person I lied to was myself. I was in denial for 12 years about my husband’s drinking. I had moments of clarity that I ignored like the time my parents came to visit my husband and I for Thanksgiving. It snowed 18 inches and we couldn’t go outside. My husband started his all day weekend drinking beer early on Saturday morning. I was fixing breakfast and pouring coffee for my parents and he went right to the refrigerator and grabbed a beer. I pulled him aside and said, “Please, my parents are here. Don’t drink beer so early in the morning. You know what they will think.”

    I never said anything to my in-laws. Keeping silent was in effect lying on my part. As it turned out, my mother-in-law was alcoholic. After my husband and I separated, I called them hoping they would speak to my husband about his drinking. My mother-in-law asked, “How much does he drink a day?” I responded, “At least two six packs,” and she said, “That’s not much.” My father-in-law told me that drinking had been a problem to my husband and was why he flunked out of two colleges. I really hoped my in-laws could help save my marriage. I was trying to get my in-laws to “fix” my husband. It didn’t work.

    When I told my parents about the drinking, they weren’t surprised. My brother even commented, “I never saw anyone drink beer so fast.” I realized then that others could see that my husband’s drinking was out of control and I couldn’t. When I finally stopped lying to myself and went to Al-Anon, I learned that it did not matter how much or how often my husband drank, it was how his drinking was affecting me. I had been through lots of times when my husband would stop drinking only to inevitably resume it because he thought he could control it. He was brutally honest with me and it hurt that he had every intention of continuing to drink. I told him I was going to Al-Anon and he said he thought that was a good idea. He really could have cared less where I went just as long as I got off his back about the drinking.

    It was painful to come out of denial into the reality that my husband’s drinking was a problem and that he wouldn’t stop even though I asked him to do so. I learned right away in Al-Anon that I had to take care of myself and to focus on me–that was how I could help the alcoholic, because I was no longer part of the denial process. It took me about a year-and-a-half of Al-Anon to really understand that alcoholism is a physical, emotional, and spiritual illness and that people with a drinking problem drink because they no longer have control over their drinking. It was very painful for me to face, but it helped me to recover from the effects his drinking was having on me.

    I was in denial for most of my life about my father’s drinking. The family tried to hide it and when I started going to Al-Anon, I unearthed the family secret…my father’s father abused alcohol, my mother’s father was an adult child of an alcoholic. Alcoholism ran on both sides of my family. My family know that I go to Al-Anon.They don’t want to hear about it but respect my decision. I am the only one in recovery. I could feel sorry for myself but I don’t. I’m grateful to no longer be living in denial of whose drinking affected me.

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