Family members worry about how much someone drinks

Published by at 2:57 pm under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members if they ever worried about how much someone else drank.

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11 comments

11 comments on “Family members worry about how much someone drinks”

  1. Antonia L. says:

    Hi,

    This is my first time on this site and I am glad that I am not the only one struggling with someone with alcohol issues. I am 26 years old and he is 29 years old, so we are young. We have a 4-year-old daughter. I have been married for about 5 years to my husband and known him for 7 years. When I met him, he had an alcohol and anger problem. However, after a year it disappeared. The alcoholism addiction returned and it is getting out of control. I am worried for his life.

  2. Machelle G says:

    My qualifier is my husband who has been sober since April 21, 2013 without a program. Every day I feel as if I’m waiting for the drunk Rob to walk in the house. I try to leave it up to God, but sometimes it’s so hard for me to let go and remember I am not responsible for his actions.

    I am trying my hardest to change my way of thinking, to remember that I cannot control the alcoholic. It’s difficult.

  3. Karen says:

    I can’t stand even the smell of alcohol anymore. It comes thru my husband’s skin pores as well as his plastered lips. I’m so sick of beating this dead horse–never violently, but mentally, just looking at his fish-eyed face, staggering like half of his head is weighted down. If I dare ask how many he has had, it’s an argument.

    The same one always–“Oh my GOD, Karen, are you kidding? I’m fine, you just hate anything to do with alcohol because your dad was a drunk. He’s right too, I do hate it and I hate him. I have to leave him and find out what happiness really is. I’m spent, burnt out, don’t drink, and sick of being his driver.

    How much time have I spent sitting and watching people turn into just completley different entities, and the great thing about it–the drunker they all get, the more they want to talk to the sober one. Why, and I’m sure you all know this one, because they start to bicker and argue because they all think they are just brilliant and right! Even better, when they argue drunk and ask you to be the idiot tie-breaker.

  4. Mary G. says:

    Hi. Thanks for sharing. I am very new in Al-Anon, and all this time I thought something was wrong with me, as far as my husband passing out in any place besides with me, and in that I felt he was drinking to cover up negative feelings towards me. Even being new in Al-Anon, I have already learned that he does indeed love me and his alcoholism is not my fault. It would be like my giving him diabetes or some other illness, if you know what I mean.

    Hang in there. I have to learn to Let Go and Let God. Today, I discovered that this also requires footwork.

  5. Paola says:

    I met Brian a year and a half ago. We were classmates, then we began dating. I am 44 and divorced with 2 kids, Danny 12 and Julia 9. Brian is 40, recently retired from 20 years in the Air Force, legally separated from his wife, who used to be an addict of both drugs and alcohol.

    I never noticed him drinking before, but as soon as he started staying with me and the kids more often, I saw him drinking in the am. I am at a point in this relationship that I am not sure I can handle the stress that comes with this. Part of me wants to go somewhere and live in peace. I hate to wake up in a room that smells like a bar–that is when he decides he wants to lay in bed with me, meaning when he doesn’t pass out in front of the TV, which is more often.

    I grew up in Italy and there the drinking is somewhat different. My dad used to drink at mealtimes. I only saw him drunk at a couple of weddings, but we thought it was funny and we teased about it to laugh. I have been exposed to alcoholics before, but I bailed out when I decided that it wasn’t worth it.

    I guess I am saying that Brian is worth it; he is because he is very good with my kids, he listens to them (my ex only likes to pay for stuff, he avoids any issues), and I find myself torn between my happiness and theirs. I already hurt my kids when I divorced my verbally abusive husband. Now they love Brian, they confide in him and haven’t noticed the drinking, yet.

    I am a woman, and even though I am 44 I want a man who treats me like a woman. Brian can only make love when he is totally full of alcohol, and I don’t know if he has to drink to make love to me because I am ugly (he denied that) or he has to be drunk to finally let go of his issues (did I mention he is also in denial for PTSD?).

    This is my first step. I need to find serenity and I need to take care of me in this relationship.

    Thank you all for listening.

  6. Darl says:

    I never dated an active alcoholic before. I dated a fellow once, 30 years back, who drank in his past but was sober for 10 plus years ongoing. This is only the second I have had any relationship with, and the first who was drinking.

    Anyway, I knew this fellow when I was 12 and remembered how sweet he was then–the only reason I agreed to date him now. I am now in my 50s and we reconnected and began dating. He never was drunk flying to visit me in another state, but binged when he got home. He really is sweet and very lovable sober–easy to love, generous financially too, but it is a roller coaster ride emotionally–Will he say in AA? Is he really going to stick to the progam since he recently had a seizure and almost died?

    I worry about the effects on my special-needs son–two edged sword–we all adore him sober, but he’s argumentative and paranoid drunk. He has stopped drinking now for his first week so far ever in AA and everything, but I have never experienced such constant lack of peace, and anxiety worrying if he will relapse and eventually kill himself.

    I find myself doing research, sending him vitamins. I hardly sleep anymore. My peace is gone even when I try to relax and let God and know he must make his own decisions. I feel almost like a worried mom now, instead of a happy girlfriend just being courted by a great guy–which he is when sober. And another fellow likes me too, and does not drink and likes to tell me to give up on this fellow–I feel pressured constantly.

    I have been so stressed without realizing it, fearing my hard-drinking friend from years back could die, even though I guess he has hopefully now quit. I feel like I have been in a car accident where you feel all the after-effects now. I do not want to let anyone down, as I feel very serious about supporting those in need, but sometimes I wish I could disappear and reclaim peace inside, run and hide from wondering did he attend AA today or not?

    My house was calm before this and I never constantly worried if a person would consume poison or not before. I do not drink. I did not live with it growing up either. And I have deep, sincere worry and love feelings for him, but not knowing how he will be from day today is very hard.

  7. lue says:

    My daughter, 34 yrs old, drinks daily. She has 2 kids – it breaks my heart to see them emotionally turned off. My daughter and I used to be so close – now we barely talk. My heart is breaking and I do not know how to separate the pain of her drinking and what it is doing to my baby grands and my day to day reactions – especially emotionally. I am not allowed to ‘help’ because according to her, there is no problem.

  8. Rita says:

    I had been married nearly 25 years and watched my husband’s disease progressively get worse. The holidays were a perfect excuse to drink, and I spent all that time trying to figure out how I could have some influence, “control”. Meanwhile the rest of the family were celebrating the holiday that I totally missed out on.

    It was extremely difficult to gain the courage I needed to free myself from the alcoholic. After a year and a half in Al-Anon, I made this difficult decision.

    Al-Anon helped me to value myself. I started to “grow up”. Getting a sponsor who understood my situation, going to meetings where I didn’t feel alone, reading Al-Anon Literature daily helped me to see a whole new world.

    After six years I remarried my husband, who has not had a drink in twelve years. He does not have a program, but I do. I have choices, and I choose to enjoy the holidays–one day at a time.

  9. Dianne says:

    I’ve been married to my husband for 24 years and totally hear what was said about broken for a long time and he doesn’t get it. Was thrown in jail a year ago and was sober for a year but became obsessed with me instead and so controlling, let him back in way too early. Now he’s back to drinking and even worse. I am scared of him. Having to make some decision, I don’t even know where to start.

  10. Natalie B. says:

    I never experienced drinking like my Husband drinks. Although he doesn’t think there is a problem, I do. We have two children and after 12 years, and growing questions and concerns, it is becoming apparent that the situation will not change.

    I have so many hard decisions to make, and my heart is broken. Although it has been broken for some time now, the crack seems deeper and colder and harder to ignore.

  11. Janet M says:

    I came from an alcoholic father and also married an alcoholic, been married for 12 years. He is my first love. I am 49, been with him since I was 21 years old. We also have a 12-year-old son with A.D.D.

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