Have you ever felt really afraid?
Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Today we have Valentina with us. She is a member who is very actively involved in service for
Al-Anon Family Groups. Fear played a part in the experience that brought her to her first Al-Anon Family Group meeting.
31 Comments on “Have you ever felt really afraid?”
Good evening, may I introduce me. I am Monica from Catalonia in Spain. Sometimes I read some of your podcasts. I feel better when I read them.
I go every Thursday evening to the Al-Anon meetings near my town, Sant Feliu de Guixols.
I only want to agrre you this blog, I think it is very useful!
Many greetings from Spain and have a Happy New Year 2009!
Monica
I have to do a paper for a class I am taking. It is in reference to feelings of fear and anger. While I was reminded through some of the questions asked to answer in the paper, I went back to specific feelings of anger, fear and anxiety, just to name a few. I could not help but go back to my days in Al-Anon. After browsing some of the websites for Al-Anon and its philosophy, I was reminded of two slogans on the table at one of the group meeting places I frequented. One stated, “You may not like all of us, but you’ll love us in a special way.” Another read, “Take what you like, and leave the rest.” A true fan and veteran of the Al-Anon, AA, NA, and Alateen programs, I hold the highest regard, respect and admiration for all and any affected by this most devastating and growing disease. I have moved on since those days…many, many years ago, although I never forgot all that these programs, steps, traditions and the overall philosophy have contributed in my ever-changing life. Anonymity is key as well! To all that blog, this being my first, listen and share as you grow and come to truly understand how to move on in your life through the help and courage of those before you! Hats off to all of you! A Blessed and Happy 2009
Fear was one of those hidden things I didn’t realize I had at first. I had convinced myself even that I was confident, successful, everything was OK. Despite an inner voice asking: “Is this as good as it gets?” Then I found Al-Anon. And boy was I surprised what I found. My sponsor always has said that awareness is where it all starts, and suddenly — and thankfully slowly — I found out how afraid I really was. It has not been an easy part of the journey, but Al-Anon has held my hand as I gently worked through many different kinds of fear. My sponsor has also said you actually have to feel it to let it go. And afraid of feeling has always been pretty high on the fear list. At times it has been frightening, but a most worthwhile experience. And life is much lighter, carefree and serene where I am today. (notice afraid is not on my list!)Thank you Al-Anon!
Thank you for your sharing everyone! Wow, I love that the posts come from other parts of the world! It really is a worldwide fellowship. I am so thankful for the existence of Al-Anon and to the wonderful members I have met who have changed my life through their honest and heartfelt sharings of hope.
On the subject of fear, I have come to realize that fear plays a huge role in my life and that my lack of faith in a power greater than myself fuels this fear.
I once heard an Al-Anon speaker at a convention refer to fear as an acronym for Face Everything And Recover. This really struck me. Because I realize that sometimes I have to move forward through the fear in order to be rid of it. It also allows me to think of fear as something I can use. Sometimes my feeling of fear is an opportunity to try and deepen my faith. I find that in times of real fear and despair I do turn to a power greater than myself, so in a way, fear forces me to look for help.
A grateful member from Virginia.
I know that I have to face the fear that is in me but my biggest fear is losing the one person I have loved and counted on for many years as he tumbles deeper and deeper into the pit of alcoholism and slow suicide. Suicide has probably been a pall over my entire life from someone I never even knew. My father’s father killed himself when he was fourteen. My husband talks about not wanting to live and shows it by his drinking and refusal to get treatment for his deep depression. I believe the 3 “C’s” now…I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it, I can’t control it” but in spite of knowing those things I feel an overwhelming sadness and fear. I don’t want him to die.
In regards to Joyce…I got chills when I read your story. It could be me writing it except I need to start believing in the 3 C’s that you spoke about.
Your podcast on fear really helped me. Last night, I was forced to be driven back from Sedalia, MO with my drunken husband behind the wheel. I had tried to take the keys, and to no avail. He would not let me drive and we almost crashed. I screamed, and he tried to make me get out of the truck, but I had to work today, so I did not want to be left 150 miles from home out in the middle of nowhere. I have been crying all day and found your podcast. I’m so glad to know there are other people out there.
I can really relate to being consumed by fear. It is such a relief to be able to connect with others who also struggle with fear. I find the group meetings really helpful and have made my life a lot more manageable. I can live one day at a time with Al-Anon.
In regards to Joyce - Boy, did you touch me. I just did an intervention on my husband last weekend. His best friend committed suicide and he was in such despair and on a drunken binge (all week) that he threatened it too. Now I fear the intervention I did will put me in danger. He has tried to leave the rehab (last night) once, but went back when I said I would leave him if he didn’t. Yes, these are scary times.
I am desperate. My Mom died 3 yrs ago, and my father is slowly committing suicide with alcohol. We have had to cut him off from our children and from my life, because I cannot continue to enable his behavior.
He is having an affair with a married woman, who is my age. She is using him for money that my mom left for him. He thinks he is in love, and we all know he is not.
He has a permanent port in his stomach with an insulin pump dispensing it as he needs it.
It’s so sad for his grandkids to see him this way. He is a diabetic. First pills, next shots, and now he drinks an 18-pack a day, then straight rum and a splash of water.
I am so sad.
I am very new to Al-Anon. My husband’s drinking is spiraling out of control. He drinks straight vodka (about seven liters a week that I know of). A few years ago he started pouring a full glass on his way to work. On the weekends, he drinks from 5 a.m. until he passes out, wakes and starts again.
He failed a life insurance exam due to signs his liver is starting to fail. His doctor/friend warned him and he has not done one thing to cut down or quit. His hands shake until he’s had a few. He’s becoming insecure and depressed. He hasn’t gone to visit his children in 10 months. He drinks when he’s sick, so on and so forth. The only good thing is he’s not mean or violent. If he were, I’d be out the door. I have tried to help him, but I do believe he’s killing himself and he won’t listen to anyone. He actually believes he will live a long time, so he’s in denial big time.
I need some guidence. I have two daughters, 12 and 14, who know he drinks a lot, but they don’t know the gravity of the whole situation. They just think I’m a depressed unhappy person with no real cause. Thank goodness they go stay with friends on weekends and sleep late so they don’t see him pour the vodka before sunrise. Thanks for letting me vent.
I’m so touched by everyone’s stories. It’s a terrible thing we have to witness. The ones we love so deeply are literally drinking their lives away. That’s less time we get to spend with them, the sober them that we love so much.
My husband goes on binges. I can have him totally sober for a few days and it’s absolute bliss, but then before I know it, he’s drinking and it’s a scary situation. I fear him and his behavior. I never know what he’s going to say or what he’s going to break. The home we worked so hard to put together has been broken down, one door at a time, one hole in the wall at a time, etc. It’s frustrating and lonely. I made a commitment to love him through sickness and health. What a difficult road this has been.
I also feel ashamed of my family’s alcoholism. Thank you for this podcast- it is helping me feel less alone.
¿Have I ever felt really afraid?
Yes, I have. At those moments I feel the freezing effect of fear, how my God-given talents and blessings are put aside -seemingly disappearing- because of this challenging emotion. Fear is also a human feeling or emotion, and in some moments it’s ok and even heallthy at some point to react in that way, e.g.: Avoiding a car accident while traveling; preparing my mind, soul and heart to have a surgery because of my lymphatic cancer; not wanting that my father should die if he didn´t follow the medical directions when I was a young teenager, very aware of the damage his addiction was causing him, etc. Feeling afraid at some logical and reasonable point, I think is normal.
My problem is that I’ve felt really afraid beyond the manageable point, reaching that mood in which you are paralyzed and can´t function in a logical and healthy way. Let me share this: When I started attending school, from kindergarden (6 years old) to 2nd grade (8 years old), I remember functioning normally at school and even feeling clear-headed when I did my homework with the warming guidance of my mother. After I was in 3rd grade (9 years old), important and traumatic events happened -my older brother’s alcoholism, my father’s intense neurotic temper, emotional, verbal, and physical violence at home, etc. I began to develop the psychological trauma related to living in such a family environment. As a consequence my grades and overall school performance were negatively affected, sometimes to the point I couldn’t even write a word in my notebooks–just sitting holding a pen or pencil, and not capable of thinking, reading, and writing. Later, when I was a teenager I began to develop my sexual identity and orientation, and things got emotionally worse. Fear and sexaphobia affected my life, being subconsciously aware that I wasn’t a 100% “straight” young man. It led me to living really afraid when I was among other people, at school, at home,etc. Therefore, isolation became useful but eventually painful.
Al-Anon is helping me to understand this and to become aware of my need to look for a closer relationship with my Higher Power, a deeper faith, a courageous opennes to interact with people, my sponsor, at work with other employees including my boss, but most important to interact with myself, in a positive and healing way.
I have a 21-year-old son who drinks excessively 2-3 times a week. I fear that he is going to die from this. He came home staggering again. Right now he is sleeping but I sit here watching him to make sure he is okay. A few kids have died from excessive drinking that I worry he will stop breathing in his sleep. I get sick to my stomach thinking what may happen to him when he doesn’t come home all night. I don’t get much sleep and I go to work the next day emotionally and physically exhausted. People tell me I have to let go but they don’t understand that as a mother, I love my son and will go crazy if something bad happens to him. I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m tired of living like this, in fear all the time.
Since my son became addicted to both alcohol and drugs, fear has become part of my life. Since attending Al-Anon meetings, I have learned to let some of it go by Letting Go and Letting God. However, it is always still with me. At first, I feared losing my son to the streets or to death. Now, I sometimes think death would be a blessing for him. I fear that he will not conquer this disease, but go on for years, ending up in jail or staying in institutions for the rest of his life. Thanks so much for your comments. It truly helps me start my day off thinking more positive.
I can so relate to your post, because I, too, worry about my son and his drinking and drugging. I am so sure that we are going to lose him because he is out late at night and returns only after we have gone to bed. I know that he is addicted to alcohol and has lost so much ambition because of the pot. I just started with Al-Anon and it has helped tremendously, especially listening to the podcasts. I can only hope that I will reach out to a sponsor and continue to read the Al-Anon literature because it is already helping me make better decisions. Being physically and emotionally exhausted is what brought me to Al-Anon. “There, but by the grace of God, go I” is my mantra these days. I only hope that I will find a regular meeting at least once a month so that I will not feel so isolated. My sister is going to Al-Anon and we have networked via email, etc. So hang in there, and take care of yourself. That’s all you can do is take care of you!
My husband doesn’t drink anymore, but I continue to live in fear of his ‘neurotic temper.’ I find it difficult to share in my home meeting coz everyone there seems to have much ‘harder’ lives than I have, and I don’t feel qualified to bring up my feelings. It seems so trivial compared to theirs, particularly ones who still have active alcoholics in their lives. All I have been told by my husband is that he is not the only person in the relationship who is mad, and that I don’t have the guts to leave. Sometimes I do wonder if this is true, but I thought I have the guts to stay rather than just leave. I do have a lot of fear and uncertainties, and I am trying very hard to work through, but also take one day at a time.
Thanks for sharing, everyone. It helps. I am totally in fear all the time. I am most afraid of making the wrong decision about staying or leaving my husband. I love him and feel like we can work through our difficulties when he is not drinking. He drinks every night though.
So when the sun goes down, I start to worry about everything–what he is going to say, how I am going to respond, our daughter, our future, etc. He is a good man and follows through on all his responsibilities. I feel full of guilt because I know my coldness and indecision is hurting him. I just don’t know what to do. I have been in Al-Anon for a year now and it has helped tremendously. I know I am not alone and that I have a Higher Power who is looking out for me. I just wish I knew what to do. I relate to the point about having the guts to stay instead of leave. I feel this way too, sometimes.
Growing up in an alcoholic family has affected me much and of course I picked an alcoholic, drug addict to marry and fix. I have missed many good things, opportuniites in my life due to fear. I have done online meetings but have not had the courage to go to a f2f one yet. I am planning to try one tomorrow morning. I am sure HP will help me get there. If nothing changes, nothing changes. At least I have to try! Thank u all!
My husband is a functional alcoholic. He goes to work, does chores, is a great father. But he drinks. Not every day but most days. Not as much as he used to, but he still does. He is not abusive or a womanizer or causing financial difficulties. He is not out at the bar. So I feel like I have no right to complain and should just look the other way.
Our therapist has said some things that I believe releases him from the responsibility of what his drinking has done to our family. Now he is angry all the time, feels not respected and unappreciated. He has said that he does not want to be with me and yet I am afraid to leave. Afraid of what that will do to him. Afraid to admit I have failed at my marriage. I am starting to think that there is no way I can be any more unhappy without him than I am with him. And sometimes it takes more guts to let go.
Thank you to everyone for posting. I don’t feel so alone in my fear. My dad is an alcoholic, dying of cancer. So many days I wake up wondering if this is the day my dad will die. I let go and let God, hoping I don’t regret anything after he’s gone.
I made a very difficult choice to leave my marriage 3 years ago. I married a dry alcoholic and a sex addict. I chose at that time to just continue what I had seen for so many years, though I thought for some reason he was different and this was different. This is an insidious disease.
I did love him dearly and he was a great provider, but the verbal, emotional, and psychlogicial abuse became so intense that I lost all self-esteem. My God-given skills were quickly disappearing and I was working less and less, really unable to cope with the constant rage and secretly acting-out sexually.
I had been attending regular Al-Anon meetings and found some solace there. When it comes to guts, it did take everything I had in me to be brave and make a choice to not be abused. It was very difficult afterwards, financialy and emotionally. I had a nerveous breakdown, but I have found myself again with the help of Al-Anon, and I am starting to climb out of the financial situation. I lived in a state of fear for 2 years as it got progressivly worse, and the anxiety and sleepless nights were frequent. I am learning to gently start to walk through my fears and start a new life today. One Day At A Time, with the grace of God.
Yep, to the above. I have had so much fear in my life that I could write a book on how to survive it.
I fear every day that my loved one will od and die. He almost died about a week ago. He won’t take the help they offered. He is severely sick right now from the complications from the od. but he wouldn’t stay in the hospital. He signed himself out. He has no where to go but to a drug house to live right now. I can’t force him to get help, can’t help him! I’m in fear every waking moment of my life right now, and been scared for past 3 yrs!
I have never been to any meeting and I have never spoken to anyone about my situation. I am a person who has always kept things ‘behind closed doors.’ Honestly my husband is a wonderful man, for our kids, our community, & our kids’ school. He is a volunteer fireman and a football and basketball coach. He is also an alcoholic. He likes fine whiskey. He drinks at least a pint 3 nights a week. Which is far better than the gallon he started with, then went to liters. So he is getting better about the amount he consumes, it just took him 12 years to get down to a pint a night.
He isn’t physically violent, anymore. Occasionally he may throw things or punch a door/wall, but not me. He has NEVER hurt our kids. But I still live in fear, because once you have been repeatedly hurt by someone, especially the person who vowed to cherish you, it’s very hard to trust or even look at them the same anymore. I have received mostly mental and emotional abuse. I believe, but am not sure, that he has insecurites and it subconsiously makes him feel better to make me hurt. Like: 1) My dad was also an alcoholic, but he was a womanizer along with it. He left my family when I was 7. My husband enjoys telling me (only when he’s drunk) that it was my fault that my dad left. 2) A boy from the football team spent the night with our son. And my husband was drinking that night. He got into a rage and acted a complete fool. He was yelling at me, calling me names.
My son and the other boy had no idea it was going on because they were upstairs playing guitar hero very loudly. But he screamed at me that I have embarrassed him in front of one of his star players and I have ruined everything he has worked for in just one night. And then he left with his whiskey, came back hours later and slept in the car.
And you know what I did to start his fit of rage that ‘ruint everything he worked for’ (which it really didn’t cause nobody even realized he acted that way)? I was sitting on the couch reading a good book. That’s my addiction. 3) He will tell me ‘Dance for me.’ ‘Take off your clothes’ ‘Dress up for me’ and beg for me. Then when I build up the confidence that he has shattered and he talks me into it, he gets hateful and says ‘Put your clothes on, I don’t want to look at you.’ And will go watch dirty movies.
The thing is, I know all these things are not my fault. But he makes me feel like they are. And he only does it when he’s drunk. So half the week I have a wonderful husband and the other half I have a creep. And for the few days after he acts this way I feel so hollow and hurt. And he doesn’t remember anything he has said or what he has done and doesn’t believe it when I tell why I’m not myself when he asks.
He has recently been diagnosed with liver disease. He was told to change his diet, take medicine & stop drinking. He has changed his diet, but he will not stop drinking & will not take his medicine.
I worry constantly about what will happen each night. This is the first time I have ever turned to anyone besides the good LORD for support or an ear.
I will pray for you. Take care of yourself. Remember, your husband is very ill. There are others in Al-Anon just like you and can talk with you. You can let the love of the program grow in you one day at a time, and keep coming back. Blessings to you and your family.
I have been married for 25 years. God knows why I am still here. You see, I did not know my husband was alcoholic. We did all the partying together before our son was born. Drinking and drugging, that was the norm. Until one day I woke up and I did not want to live that way anymore.
So, needless to say, he is still back there twenty some years ago. The disease was taking the life out me, trying to force a solution. We have lost homes, cars, jobs. Somehow we manage to get the material things back, but not the love, respect, sharing. The disease is cunning and baffling. I have so much fear. I fear going to the store, the doctor’s office, shopping, working. It has taken my faith from me.
I went to the doctor and he said my blood pressure was sky high. He would not let me go home until it went down. Why would I make a sick person my safe person, when they have made me so sick? I only feel safe around my husband and son. The disease has made me sick. I need my life back where I can take care of myself. I don’t know what to do. When I go to Al-Anon that helps a lot. When I stopped going to Al-Anon and church for two years, I got very stick again.
Try going to a few Al-Anon meetings. It is very scary at first, but the support and caring that you will find is truly wonderful. It is a safe place to figure out how to cope with insane situations. Fault and criticism are NOT part of the Al-Anon program, but support and and caring are.
I live with an active alcoholic and can definitely say that I have learned a great deal about myself and alcoholism–and have learned “new ways” of coping that have improved my life a great deal. Everything is not perfect, but I am a lot happier and so is my alcoholic. Al-Anon works!
It has been too many years since I’ve been in the rooms and now am finding my way back, thanks to your sharing. My clue was the fear I felt in the pit of my stomach whenever I was with my daughter. It has been years since we lived with her alcoholic father (my husband) and I have since moved on to a wonderful relationship with a loving husband. Thought everything was good! But now my daughter is living with an active alcoholic and I witness that which I had lived through years ago. My fear for her well being has triggered my crazy behavior. I am grateful for this great way to communicate (thanks to technology) and my Al-Anon family.
I appreciate everyone’s sharing. I wish to mention that, even though my father’s drinking was decades ago, and I’ve not attended Al-Anon meetings for about 10 years, all it takes is some major crisis to discover that the ‘crazy behavior’ (obsessing, isolating, etc.) I learned in my family of origin can erupt and cause trouble and pain for me even now, years later.
Those old patterns can be quite compelling! I gotta get back to my Al-Anon meetings - the problem is that, medically, I am confined to home and don’t have any current contacts in my previous Al-Anon group. So I am very grateful to have an on-line forum. Take away message - keep going to meetings, even if you reach a point where those old patterns seem so remote! Thank you, and best wishes!