How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Pam, Anna, and Betty are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members who are willing to talk about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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157 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. gail says:

    My husband is drinking again. He managed to stay sober for 3 years. I am so sad. I was just starting to feel in love again. He says it was just tonight, but I know what happens next–drugs, more booze, and verbal abuse. I am going to be packing my bags and leaving as soon as he falls asleep. I will be closing the door to my home and my 28 years of marriage. I just can’t forgive anymore.

  2. Cheryl R. says:

    I was in a relationship with an alcoholic 30 years ago for 7 years. I never drink. My 20′s were ruined by this man. I saw it go from 6 beers to 12 a day. I can’t even stand the sound of a can being opened (even if it’s a soda). It’s so much better to be alone than in the web of an alcoholic.

  3. Ashley says:

    I have been married 7 years and for the last 5 it has been a tremendous roller coaster. He has been to 8 inpatient treatments and sober living for 3.5 months. Every single time he has immediately relapsed, either at the airport on his way home or the day after. He has been to countless detox’s and still manages to get so dependent on alcohol almost immediately. He has done so many reckless things, the list goes on.

    He is only 33 years old and as of last year had stage-1 cirrhosis. The doctor said if he continued to drink he would have 1-5 years left to live. This is a severely addicted man with no end in sight. We have a 2 and 4-year-old and for the last 3 years I have been the sole provider for our whole family. We have lived apart for the past 3 months and the chaos got even worse.

    I have decided that I am moving out of our family home because he uses it to dangle over my head. I feel I’m being held hostage because of the house. Thankfully after years of tears and stress I was able to see a way out. I finally got my own house and the kids and I will be moving.

    He is currently in the hospital with a severe infection from an incident while drunk. I have been going to see him daily and brought the kids to see him yesterday. I felt I owed the kids a sober visit with their father.

    He was being ok the first few days then he started being mean from what I assume is active withdraw. Why am I upset about this? I am the one who finally had the courage to move out and this is all my decision. Why does it hurt when he says for me to stay away? I still care for him as I understand he is a very ill man. Still, this is a very hard situation to deal with. I hope what I’m doing is right.

  4. julie says:

    I am married to an alcoholic who binge-drinks every week and becomes violent. I am tired of him saying to me that this is his last time and he will never do it again.

    I feel helpless and angry.

  5. stephanie says:

    I’m a 22-year-old with a 4-year-old and another one on the way. My husband began drinking daily a little over a year ago. I am not a drinker.

    Once the drinking started nothing seemed to change, then we started fighting more. The last six months have been nothing but daily fights and inappropriate behavior. Leaving me to feel like I have some kind of problem, or as if I am doing something wrong.

    Last night he landed himself in jail, and I hated him. Then he calls with promises of a better relationship, more involved parenting, working a program–I want to believe it, but I feel I’m just gearing up for another battle. One I don’t want to have again.

  6. Katy says:

    My cross-addicted partner, alcoholic, took an overdose three weeks ago. I called the ambulance service when he told me what he had done and he ended up in hospital. Hours later and after psychological assessment he was discharged and wanted to come home with me because he felt safe here. However, his suicidal thoughts have predominated since and although not drinkingsince–I have strong boundaries about his drinking in my home–his behaviour has taken on that of a dry drunk–rude, abusive, angry etc.

    He took himself off yesterday to see his adult children and has apparently been telling them what belongings he wants them to have after he dies. I know he is drinking again as he told me so when we spoke on the phone this evening. I have notified his mental health support of all this but it seems nothing can be done. He is an adult and has choices.

    I am in the the unenviable position of “damned if i do and damned if I don’t!” It’s a case of “heads he wins, tails I lose.” He is returning here on Friday supposedly. I could of course say no to that. We watched “When Love Is Not Enough,” the story of Bill and Lois W. I thought it wonderful. He said that it was rubbish. Enough said!

  7. carolyn says:

    I have been married 23 years. Husband drinks 12-20 every day. I’m tired. He is up and down and up and down. Nice/happy but manic/ then angry/sullen/argumentative. I wish he would hit me so I could say that’s it.

    I am so tired of the drama and the waiting for shoe to drop and hoping things will be somehow different. The other day he said he was going to start a program to stop drinking–with our pastor. It made me mad because I cannot muster up the appropriate behavior (supportive compassionate) because I doubt his sincerity. I look like a bad person. He pretended to have withdrawal symptoms in front of me/parents and pastor—and then the next day I found 15 cans in recycling bin. He hadn’t even stopped. I addressed this with him after I found them and he got angry.

    I’m tired. My grown son told me yesterday that he wanted me to leave 3 years ago. This was a surprise to me because I have only recently started to let myself acknowledge what a huge problem this really is.

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