How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Pam, Anna, and Betty are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members who are willing to talk about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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176 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. marintha says:

    My husband and kids are my world, but as I’m getting older and my kids are still young I find it hard to stay. We’ve been together 10 years and our boys are 8 and 2. I used to drag him out of bars to get him to leave, or I’d leave him and make him find his own way home. Well, I kicked him out and then everything changed. He stopped drinking and it was all great for a couple years. My friends would get mad at me cause I stayed.

    He’s a good father and he works. It’s just the drinking. So he’s quit several times and will stay quit for a couple years, then it starts all over. This last time his uncle came to stay with us and he drinks heavy, so that started it up again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I made his uncle leave because I couldn’t handle 2 alcoholics.

    I know what it’s like to live with an addiction, but as soon as I found out I was gonna be a mom it all stopped. I just don’t know what to do with him anymore, and I really don’t want my kids growing up seeing him drunk all the time.

  2. Neelam says:

    I have a son who has been drinking now for 18 years. Started from university. The first time I realised he was turning into an alcoholic is when I found black bags of beer cans in the shed.

    My elder son and I started taking him to AA meetings. Little did we know that as soon as we left him there he used to leave and go out drinking. We then decided to sit outside and wait till he finished his meeting.

    For a short time he stopped and had a girl friend, whom he got married to. The marriage lasted 2 months. My elder son left the house after his marriage. I live with my alcoholic son. He has lost 15 jobs because of his drinking and is a burden on me.

    I am divorced and he lives with me. Several times I have had to call the police, as things go out of hand when he is drunk. 45 times I have picked him up from hospitals, till I could not do it anymore.

    I have spoken to my doctor to section him to send him to a mental hospital, but seems like he does not think it is that bad. Twice he left the gas on. Breaks things, like the sink and tiles. Bangs doors at night, abusive language, comes home drunk, day in and day out. Blames me for breaking his relationships. He suffers from arthritis and skin problems.

    It is a never ending ordeal. My life is ruled by his drinking. I don’t go out. I hate leaving the house and going on holidays. He fights with everyone.

    After reading the comments, I feel I am not alone.

    God bless.

    I hate going home.

  3. Patty says:

    The children were just 10 and 22 months old at the time. I struggled as a single parent while my ex used the kids to get at me. But we came through that one a long time ago.

    After 8 years alone, I met my current husband. We lived together for 3 years before being married, now for 9. We were in our 30’s when we met. Things were good, and for the most part still are. The children mentioned before are now turning 19 and 20 and we also have a thriving 6-year-old.

    What saddens me–my husband likes to be social, and being social seems to require drinking. He is incapable of having only one or two, unless he’s around family. With friends it’s an all-nighter all the time. I thought at one point it would be best to have friends here, so that I knew he was safe and I could maybe manage the situation and his drinking. I’m a one-drink girl myself–and not if we’re home with our daughter.

    We’ve had the discussion before about how he treats me and the kids and the dogs after a night of alcohol and friends go home. That’s when “the other guy” emerges. He’s always looking for a fight, swearing, name-calling, and tries to put me down. I’ve always stood up to him–questioned his actions; tried to make him miraculously become “sober.” It’s not working.

    I’m glad I can’t sleep tonight, after another wonderful evening of being told I have a gambling problem (I only go with him and don’t spend more then 100.00 btw). He makes way more money then I do and he pays the bills. I have expenses too, but I don’t make half of what his income is–my point? I feel he holds this over my head like he has earned the right to treat me this way–that I am beneath him.

    In the morning he remembers everything, but if I try to talk to him he either finds excuses for his behaviour or he tries to turn it on me that I was the one who was rude, etc.

    I see the pattern of abuse. I find that I don’t want to talk to him about it–he’s not listening anyway, and I’m scared he’ll get angry.

    Reading others’ posts has given me some strength tonight and I feel calm and empowered. We are not alone. We are strong. We are intelligent, and beautiful. We deserve to be happy and loved.

    Tonight I have decided to make some changes is my life, starting now–not tomorrow or next week. Right now. My once vibrant life has become housemaid, cook, gardener, full-time job, single parent, etc. And somewhere in there is the woman I used to love, who used to have time for herself and her children, who had friends that would actually call her just to talk. This woman is going to go back to the gym three times a week, go back to church every Sunday, not just for christenings and Christmas, and I’m doing this because I deserve it.

    If he chooses to come with me, he will be welcomed. If he chooses his own path in another direction, well, then that was his choice. And I don’t want to be with a man who doesn’t choose me.

  4. Patty says:

    My first husband was abusive–although not an alcoholic. Just mean. I left him years ago.

  5. lee says:

    I thought I’d put over a male opinion. My partner or former partner is an alcoholic. I’d love her to still be my partner, just to try and save the day. My kids still live with her, albeit they’re 18 and 22. She has been on 3 detox programs and failed the lot–drunk on top of the tablets. She also lost her job after being in the same job for 23 years.

    My kids are so unhappy. Yes, I’m aware they could leave, but they’re scared in case there mum does something silly, which she did do last year–a suspected overdose, but we managed to save the day, thankfully.

    I still love this lady. She was my partner for 23 years. I know she was a cracking mum and a cracking partner, who done everything for us. All I do is worry, was on anti-depressants myself for 6 months, but managed to come off them. I’ve lost weight with worry.

    Life is crap. I still make contact. Today I took down lunch, but she finds it hard to eat and I fear her health is now being affected. I’m so sad. Just wish I’d wake up and this was a dream. This has been going on for over a year, or maybe longer, which I wasn’t aware of. Good luck to all other people affected.

  6. Christy says:

    Since my husband ignores us, I took my son to his place of employment, only to give him the Christmas gifts he had for his daddy. I noticed he was wearing a new bracelet, but not his wedding ring. He hasn’t worn it anytime I’ve seen him, all of four times since he left.

    I asked him about the new bracelet and found out it was handmade by another woman. How childish, right? So I asked him why he would wear that from her and not our ring. He said she made everyone one. So I later asked him if anyone had kissed him or if there was ever anything with anyone. He went silent and didn’t answer my text.

    I know in my heart he’s done something that he feels guilty for, because that’s when he doesn’t answer me. He’s the father of my child, but he’s no longer the man I married. I was heartbroken all over again. However, I will get my revenge the best way and I will tell you all how.

    My husband, who is consumed by alcohol, is not the man I fell in love with. He can’t be because he’s numb inside. I have to get out. My revenge will come with my success. He may not see it right now, but someday he will, or maybe he won’t. However, I will see it.

    I will see my success and that will empower me even more. I am strong because I have to be and I deserve the best the world can give me. I walked around for months, feeling like his leaving me was my fault. It’s not and it wasn’t. I love my child, but he will not repeat his father’s mistakes. My husband’s father did the same thing to my husband’s mother.

    My child will learn better and be better because we deserve better. I feel sad sometimes, but I’ve had a lot of support and these words have been said to me. So, if my saying them here helps someone else, then that makes me very happy. I must and will love myself.

  7. Diane says:

    How I wish that after reading your stories, we all lived near to each other and could be friends. I hate my life with a passion. I don’t know what to do anymore. My husband hasn’t allways been like he is now. When we met we loved the good times, the parties, drinking, dancing, etc. He started drinking heavily years ago and has been an alcoholic for probably 30 years.

    This illness just gets worse and worse. There are no more good times. I feel so isolated and alone. No friends. I guess they get fed up with my excuses and how unhappy I am. Why don’t I do something about it? If only it was that easy.

    I have an elderly mum who needs me. And I love her to the end of my life. I will always be there for her. I am totally codependent on my husband. I work, pay the bills. He does nothing. Something inside stops me from leaving.

    I am scared to go it alone. I ask myself why, what have you got here? Nothing, really. Even when he is not drinking, he is not the man I met. I live in hell, really. I am a Christian and I pray for the strength to leave and do something with my life. I feel like a prisoner. If I leave, he will die for sure. Not much of a choice.

  8. Christy says:

    My husband went to work one day in October last year and never came home. He left behind me, unemployed, and our child of 6 years. I’ve been in counseling almost ever since and now I’m going to take our child.

    My husband has spent this entire time ignoring us. I’ve done so much to try to get him involved in our child’s life. He said he left to find happiness and that I was angry and manipulative. I know now after several counseling sessions that I was not the cause of our failing marriage.

    See, my husband has been in trouble with the law and got a DWI last year, lost his license, and had to go to classes. I thought the classes would straighten him out, but as soon as he graduated and got his license back he went to drinking heavily again. It’s like he has no feeling and that he’s numb inside.

    As much as it hurts me to divorce him, I know I must. I gave him the news and asked him to talk with me before taking such dramatic measures, but he just continues to ignore me and has no contact with his child. I’ve learned that the alcohol must have a tight hold on him because he used to say we were everything to him and he lived his life.

    Years later, after 7 years together, he has cut himself off from everyone and won’t even return his mother’s calls. The best way I have found to deal with being in a relationship with an alcoholic is to get out of their way. I’ve asked him to get help, but he doesn’t think he needs it, yet he continues to make excuses.

    He didn’t show up for Christmas and didn’t bother to call. He doesn’t answer my child’s texts or voice mail or calls. I protect my child by reminding him that his daddy has issues and it’s not my child’s fault. For me, I know I have to file for divorce because my husband is lost and I have no idea when or if he will find his way back.

    However, I believe in the power of positive psychology and as hard as it might be to support an alcoholic, if they are strong enough to see they need help and want it, then I believe it’s ok to help them.

  9. elaine says:

    Really lost. I don’t know where to begin. I’ve never been involved with Al-Anon. I’ve never really considered trying to share this with so-called others to experience the same thing, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. My boyfriend of 3 years drinks day and night, sometimes even before work. When he drinks he changes completely. He no longer cares about the people around him and he hates himself.

    Today he says he is ready to go to detox, and we call different places to see if they can take him in. One place finally calls back. He tells me he has to go, not just that he needs to. We go and he’s really intoxicated, and when we go to the receptionist he changes his mind and creates a scene in front of so many different people, and makes me look like a monster.

    I left him there and he will be transferred to detox in the morning. I feel like I did something wrong, like I abandoned him. He didn’t want to be there at the last moment, and I left him alone.

  10. Margie says:

    I have been married 44 years. When we were young he drank, but not on a regular basis. Then he was afraid he was becoming an alcoholic, because many members of his family were. He quit drinking for 20 years. We had a wonderful happy life. Then about 6 or 7 years ago he started drinking again.

    We are now 67 years old and he drinks daily until he passes out. If he wakes up, he will start drinking again. We do not interact when he drinks. All our family and friends have witnessed this, therefore we are not asked to parties or family events if beer will be there. Because most people are afraid of how he will behave, we no longer have interaction with anyone.

    On the days he drinks, he stays outside and I stay in the house alone. Currently, I am not financially able to find another place. Our home belongs to his sister. I cannot drive at night, so I am alone every day. All my family and friends have moved on, so even I am not included.

    People hate when I call, because they do not want to hear my depression. I should have left years ago when I was still working, but I thought he would quit. He never has, and does not plan on stopping. He says I can go or stay, he does not care. This is when he is sober. My story is when I realized he would not stop, I needed to find my own life. My husband is a Christian and used to be a churchgoing man. Not even that stops him.

  11. Sandy says:

    I know I’m not in this alone and it helps to be reminded of that. My husband is supposedly sober, in court-appointed anger-management classes due to domestic violence, and is in AA, but on certain days, I don’t know if it’s dry-drunk syndrome or what, but he acts as insane as he used to when he was drunk–mean, angry, paranoid, jealous, and just flat out weird, insane.

    I swear he’s got borderline personality disorder, and crazy me, I don’t feel like I can kick him out as he doesn’t have a job, and I still care enough I don’t want him living in a cardboard box. But I’ve about had it. I’m going to lose my job. He bugs me all the time at work about stupid little unimportant stuff just to get me to pay attention to him because he’s so insecure. I thought when he quit drinking things would be better. At least when he was drunk he’d pass out. Now there’s no shutting him up. He’s a freak. I just want to disappear. Thanks for listening.

  12. Leonor says:

    I am so sad. After four years of my husband being sober, he has relapsed. It started over a month ago, “only on special occasions.” He simply states he is ready to drink occasionally. Of course, I know that as an alcoholic this is not possible. He then blames me because he is a converted Christian and says God has cured him, so he is able to drink now.

    The first time I tried to believe him, I stopped talking to him for a day or so, but then things went back to normal. I tried to forget about it. Two weeks ago he came home buzzed or drunk after work. He said that was because he was sad, that he was not happy with his life, as excuses to justify himself.

    The next day I told him that my kids and I were not going to go back to our old life. I also was told by all of our 3 pastors that we have to set boundaries, and if we say something we have to do it. So I told him I was not giving an option. Next time he would do it, he would have to leave. Of course, he said he was going to stop.

    Today he got home buzzed and I immediately noticed, so I confronted him. He had all the signs, the anger, the denial, saying it was me who was the one who had the problem, that I was never going to be happy with his actions, etc. So I told him that I was going to keep my word and that he had to leave our house. I just do not know what is the next step from here.

  13. Khosie says:

    I’ve seen my fiance for 3 years now drinking like there’s no tomorrow.

    He’s got different friends he drinks with. Some of them are thugs. He doesn’t listened to me or his mom. We’re just nothing, I mean nothing to him but a piece of rubbish. Lately every Monday he does not go to work because he’s drunk. During weekends he does not sleep at all til Sunday around 11 pm. I’m deadly tired of everything he does and I won’t be able to assist him because he gets angry whenever I start a conversation.

    There is no communication at all between us.

  14. Janice says:

    I am not sure I should even comment here, as I divorced my husband of 14 years due to his progressive alcoholism. I say progressive because he was not an alcoholic when I married him in my late 20’s. Weekends of BBQ’s and drinking with friends – social occasions that are normal for that age range. It was only after the birth of our first, second and third child that his drinking became progressively worse – more frequent, weekdays, weeknights. Verbal abuse was rampant by him and by me in my defense. I did not learn to walk away from a fight until he got physical a couple of times. Then I did walk away in tears every time. I felt ashamed, belittled, weak. But I knew I was strong inside, but he chipped away at that time and time again. Our fights would escalate, then deflate, then silent treatment. The next day, no apologies, no discussions, no make-up sex. Nothing. This went on for years. Just swept under the rug.

    To say my beloved home was toxic, then loving, then toxic is an understatement. We hid it well from friends and family. Still the picture of a perfect family unit for years. Then he began to start fights with me in front of family. Eventually, we sold the house and he moved out of state. I was absolutely fine with that arrangement. I moved in with my folks, as the kids were still in school. I was emotionally scarred from all the verbal abuse so I sought verbal abuse counseling at a domestic violence center in my area. I was beyond how it looked anymore. I needed serious counseling to remember myself. I also went to church often as well. I did this for 2 years.

    This separation lasted 4 years. I continued to visit him with the kids for summers and winters but he never once agreed to counseling or AA. He wanted a divorce but refused to initiate. Eventually, I did initiate it and saw it through. I have been divorced for 3 years now. He moved back to my area last year but is not the verbally abusive person towards me anymore. I think a lot of time has gone by and even he recognizes what he did to me, to us. Total separation was about 6 years before he moved back here.

    Today, we are friends at arm’s length. He sees the children, who are now teenagers. He has been to detox and rehab for himself and for the first time has broken down in tears and admitted the pain of losing me, the house, our life together. I still don’t trust him but will be supportive if he continues with AA and an outpatient program. However, I will never take him back. I am not emotionally safe with such a loose cannon.

    I don’t regret divorcing him. I was miserable, emotionally hurt all of the time. I could not be the best parent I knew I could be to my 3 beautiful children. He was dragging me down and using me as a target for his verbal backlash. That is no way to live life on this earth. I remember what it feels like when I was younger to be loved and adored. I am still young – late 40’s. I deserve so much more from a partner.

    Alcoholism is a disease and until the person wants to help him/herself, hit rock bottom, there is nothing you can do. My ex-husband hit rock bottom by losing his job and then checked himself into detox and then a residential treatment program. By the time he did this, 20 years had gone by since I first got together with him.

    Sadly, alcoholism and drug addiction are rampant and if not addressed properly, the next generation of family will repeat the same behaviors.

  15. Ale says:

    I’ve been married for 8 years and he was sober for 12 months. He was on a trip from work, didn’t call me all day, not even his kids. When I called him at 10:00 pm, he sounded different and I noticed he sounded drunk. I asked him and he didn’t deny it.

    I feel sad, angry and I can’t trust him anymore. I don’t know what to do. I love him very much. He is a good father, but sucks as a husband. I don’t know what to do anymore!

  16. Anne says:

    I have been going to Al-Anon for 2 months now to try to change my attitude about my husband’s alcoholism and behaviour associated with it.

    It impacts my home and environment greatly in that I feel I have no stability, no home due to the chaos and confusion. I believe I am sicker than he is due to the shame, guilt, repulsion, anger, and dissapointment that lives within me. After a night filled with drama, none of it he can remember, I told him how I felt after shaming comments he made to me. It did not go over well and he decided to focus on one thing in my comments that he took exception to.

    I have systematically decreased exposure to him when he is apt to drink and behave badly.

    No more:
    going on all-inclusive vacations or cruises
    camping with our friends
    going to conferences together
    going out to friends’ houses unless he decides not to drink
    sleeping in the same bed after he has behaved badly and is drunk
    renting movies because he drinks so much that the movie must be paused frequently so that he can go to the bathroom and also get another drink, etc.

    I figure that I am alone anyway when he is drinking; he’s in his own little world, meeting his own needs, and is unable to connect with me in a meaningful way.

    On the bad side, I’m also suffering and not enjoying all the good social things that I could be enjoying. I’m still on Step One and I do hope I can get a change in attitude soon. He is a wonderful man whom I love to be with when he is sober. He is worth it and I’m leaving it to my higher power to hopefully intervene and nudge him toward sobriety. I am hopeful still, but I don’t know if we can endure the insanity on both sides.

  17. Jackie says:

    The podcast was helpful. However, the individuals did not say the actions they took to deal with verbal abuse, despite saying they wouldn’t tolerate it.

    I found out after we were married that my husband is a dry drunk and we are living separately. He has changed since we got married. He is always blaming others for his problems and so angry all the time. We had an argument which led to him screaming, cursing and demeaning me. I warned him that I won’t tolerate the verbal abuse any longer.

    I set boundaries that he must work on his issues, specifically his anger issues if there is to be any possible future for us. I have lost my trust in him and do not feel safe. So far he has done little to work on his anger and refuses to accept he is an alcoholic/addict and this is influencing his attitudes. I will protect myself with healthy boundaries, which are not ultimatums. I know ultimatums are looked at in Al-Anon as controlling behavior but this is different. My boundaries are for my own protection and not an effort to control him.

    I have placed a boundary up for my safety–address your anger issues in measureable, action-based ways (whether it’s reopening his mental-health case or whatever). I need to be sure I will not be abused by him if he comes home.

    I have been in verbally abusive relationships with other alcoholics and I will not remain in one and allow myself to get abused once more. I fought too hard to regain my self-esteem and I have my own sobriety of 23 years to protect. I love him, but there are some people that constitutionally can’t get honest. It is his path to walk and he must walk it, whether it’s with or without me.

  18. Linda says:

    I have been married for just over 3 years. My husband has parents, a brother, and a sister, who are all functioning alcoholics. Before we got married, I asked if he had a problem, which he said no, just a very social drinker. Found out he is a full-blown alcoholic.

    It wasn’t noticeable until a year ago when his dad died. Up and down mood swings, drinking vodka from the bottle before going to work–and everybody thinks he’s just the sweetest, most gentle person around–well, unfortunately they don’t live with him. Mood swings, up and down, verbally abusive to me, calling me stupid and low-down foul names, belittling me. Then he passes out and in the morning it’s like nothing happened.

    The other day I went out of town for a few hours and he called to ask where I was. I told him and said I’d be home in an hour or so. Arrived home to find him furious that I took so long, said I must have driven slow on purpose, went on to berate me and said to get on my knees and apologize for lying to him. Even when I break down crying, nothing phases him. Yesterday morning was up-and-down mood swings, then mid-afternoon he was saying he was going to commit suicide, said I was to blame, said that I would have to live with that. Tried talking to him, but everything I said or did was wrong–couldn’t help him see how much I loved him.

    Last night he moved all his things downstairs and was moving out/then talking suicide. Called his family to say goodbye and that he was committing suicide and it was all my fault for being so stupid. This is a man who is 57 years old and has a good heart when sober. He was getting verbally abusive and confrontational, and I asked him to leave and said he wouldn’t. Said I needed to call 911 if I wanted to get him out. I did and he was furious, telling me to hang up the phone. When I got off the phone he said, “This is it, I’m killing myself tonight.” He ran downstairs with me behind him yelling at him to stop, he ran into the garage and tried closing the door–he grabbed a blowtorch and was trying to get the torch close to his face. Where my strength came from I don’t know, but I pulled it from his hands. Then he proceeded to grab a spike tool and was trying to stab his head.

    I am so emotionally drained and exhausted. The police came and by that time he had calmed down and told the police that he had been having issues with me because I was too emotional lately, and he had been having problems with me–so many lies being married to an alcoholic! I am not into drama, I work in health-care and am so done now. This is the third time in 1 1/2 months that I have had to call the police and it’s the last time. I love him, but not his behavior when he’s drinking, and not his addiction.

    I deserve better in life–dreaming of coming home to a quiet house, with no issues of walking on eggshells, no worrying about what mood he is going to be in, no verbal abuse of how terrible and stupid a person I am. I have a nursing career, but belittles me on that also. A person deserves a life of happiness, of tranquility and joy–I’m getting none of those.

    As hard as it is to see him leave, and I will miss him on many levels, had so many good times, but the bad are outing the good now–he needs help! He has to come to realize that and make changes, and that we can’t be living in the same household while he does that. I’ll be there for him, but at a distance. Not going to miss the smell of vodka or sherry anymore–or his cigars that went with it. He always denies that he drinks, always has ginger ale around, but have found stashes in his garage, and a full bottle of vodka is gone in a few hours. I’m tired of living like this. I deserve so much more.

  19. Pamela says:

    I’ve been in a relationship with an alcoholic for the last 3 years and today I say I don’t want it anymore. The disease has caused me to lose self-confidence, because he is verbally abusive. I love this man, but I can’t keep putting my kids and my own future at risk because of this man’s addiction. It’s a very unhealthy relationship being with an alcoholic.

  20. gail says:

    My husband is drinking again. He managed to stay sober for 3 years. I am so sad. I was just starting to feel in love again. He says it was just tonight, but I know what happens next–drugs, more booze, and verbal abuse. I am going to be packing my bags and leaving as soon as he falls asleep. I will be closing the door to my home and my 28 years of marriage. I just can’t forgive anymore.

  21. Cheryl R. says:

    I was in a relationship with an alcoholic 30 years ago for 7 years. I never drink. My 20’s were ruined by this man. I saw it go from 6 beers to 12 a day. I can’t even stand the sound of a can being opened (even if it’s a soda). It’s so much better to be alone than in the web of an alcoholic.

  22. Ashley says:

    I have been married 7 years and for the last 5 it has been a tremendous roller coaster. He has been to 8 inpatient treatments and sober living for 3.5 months. Every single time he has immediately relapsed, either at the airport on his way home or the day after. He has been to countless detox’s and still manages to get so dependent on alcohol almost immediately. He has done so many reckless things, the list goes on.

    He is only 33 years old and as of last year had stage-1 cirrhosis. The doctor said if he continued to drink he would have 1-5 years left to live. This is a severely addicted man with no end in sight. We have a 2 and 4-year-old and for the last 3 years I have been the sole provider for our whole family. We have lived apart for the past 3 months and the chaos got even worse.

    I have decided that I am moving out of our family home because he uses it to dangle over my head. I feel I’m being held hostage because of the house. Thankfully after years of tears and stress I was able to see a way out. I finally got my own house and the kids and I will be moving.

    He is currently in the hospital with a severe infection from an incident while drunk. I have been going to see him daily and brought the kids to see him yesterday. I felt I owed the kids a sober visit with their father.

    He was being ok the first few days then he started being mean from what I assume is active withdraw. Why am I upset about this? I am the one who finally had the courage to move out and this is all my decision. Why does it hurt when he says for me to stay away? I still care for him as I understand he is a very ill man. Still, this is a very hard situation to deal with. I hope what I’m doing is right.

  23. julie says:

    I am married to an alcoholic who binge-drinks every week and becomes violent. I am tired of him saying to me that this is his last time and he will never do it again.

    I feel helpless and angry.

  24. stephanie says:

    I’m a 22-year-old with a 4-year-old and another one on the way. My husband began drinking daily a little over a year ago. I am not a drinker.

    Once the drinking started nothing seemed to change, then we started fighting more. The last six months have been nothing but daily fights and inappropriate behavior. Leaving me to feel like I have some kind of problem, or as if I am doing something wrong.

    Last night he landed himself in jail, and I hated him. Then he calls with promises of a better relationship, more involved parenting, working a program–I want to believe it, but I feel I’m just gearing up for another battle. One I don’t want to have again.

  25. Katy says:

    My cross-addicted partner, alcoholic, took an overdose three weeks ago. I called the ambulance service when he told me what he had done and he ended up in hospital. Hours later and after psychological assessment he was discharged and wanted to come home with me because he felt safe here. However, his suicidal thoughts have predominated since and although not drinkingsince–I have strong boundaries about his drinking in my home–his behaviour has taken on that of a dry drunk–rude, abusive, angry etc.

    He took himself off yesterday to see his adult children and has apparently been telling them what belongings he wants them to have after he dies. I know he is drinking again as he told me so when we spoke on the phone this evening. I have notified his mental health support of all this but it seems nothing can be done. He is an adult and has choices.

    I am in the the unenviable position of “damned if i do and damned if I don’t!” It’s a case of “heads he wins, tails I lose.” He is returning here on Friday supposedly. I could of course say no to that. We watched “When Love Is Not Enough,” the story of Bill and Lois W. I thought it wonderful. He said that it was rubbish. Enough said!

  26. carolyn says:

    I have been married 23 years. Husband drinks 12-20 every day. I’m tired. He is up and down and up and down. Nice/happy but manic/ then angry/sullen/argumentative. I wish he would hit me so I could say that’s it.

    I am so tired of the drama and the waiting for shoe to drop and hoping things will be somehow different. The other day he said he was going to start a program to stop drinking–with our pastor. It made me mad because I cannot muster up the appropriate behavior (supportive compassionate) because I doubt his sincerity. I look like a bad person. He pretended to have withdrawal symptoms in front of me/parents and pastor—and then the next day I found 15 cans in recycling bin. He hadn’t even stopped. I addressed this with him after I found them and he got angry.

    I’m tired. My grown son told me yesterday that he wanted me to leave 3 years ago. This was a surprise to me because I have only recently started to let myself acknowledge what a huge problem this really is.

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