How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Pam, Anna, and Betty, all active Al-Anon members, are talking about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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609 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. Mary jane says:

    Most of these women sound younger than I am but the story is the same. We love our dysfunctional mates to the point of losing our own identities n sometimes our possessions. My husband and I have been married 37 years. The last two have been legal separation. He turned into a ‘functional alcoholic’ n has been let go from several high-paying jobs for being ‘crazy’. I spent a year and one half with a relative to ‘heal’ but it was really hiding. We lost our house during divorce arguments. I can’t stand to look at certain homes because they remind me of ours. Our back yard was beautiful, like a park. I miss that too. I miss any feeling of being normal. I am next in line for a senior apartment n have moved to stay with my son for a couple of weeks. I resent living out of boxes and in someone’s extra room where available. I would like to be able to have my sewing machine set up n work on quilts. I have stuff that’s stored at three different places n feel like I may leave this world an inflict my kids n friends with disposal of my junk. I visited my ex recently n he has not given up drinking or smoking. He still tries to hide those habits from me. He’s just pathetic. At least now I can leave n not have to put up with the meanness or lies. All I ever wanted was a man who loved me. Somewhere he learned to love the bottle more. I don’t want anyone else to pick up
    After n lie to cover their dysfunction. I just want peace. Please pray for me.

  2. sarah says:

    Oh my god! I am so glad I found this. I am currently writing this in desperation as I am laying in my puddle of tears. Next week is my 16th anniversary and I have have been together with my husband for a total of 18 years. Over the past 6 or 7 years I have watched him get progressively worse with the alcohol and now he drinks almost daily and the hard stuff. Shot after shot after shot! He blaims his work schedule or his boss and says that if he got a different job it would all be different. I dont buy it. He is mean, and arrogant too. He calls our kids names and keeps them up all the time yelling. He has broke countless pieces of furniture and electronics
    During a drunken rages. I am always so on edge because sometimes he is really nice when he drinks and then its like a switch will flip and this a@# hole will jusy come out of nowhere. I try to do anything i can to keep that scary man from coming out and get so much anxiety the second he starts drinking because of what he will say or do. He will sometimes get really drunk all by himself and then stay up all night texting other woman. He says it is just friends but i have saw thw texts and they are way over the top flirtatious! I am exhausted and dont know what to do because I know that deep down under this mess he is in he is a great guy! I still love him and promised to be there through thick but all i want to do is escape!!

  3. Jane says:

    I fell in love with my husband’s smile, his kindness, his joy and confindence. We met in college and shared dreams of a great future both with high hopes and very driven. The problem began when he became stuck in a job that seemed to provide him with success in the form of open bar drinking parties and ‘title promotions’ that seemed like more like pay cutbacks for more work. It all didn’t seem right, but he was fooled and after 7 years of dedication, it was all over and they no longer needed him and several 100 other dedicated employees. He rarely drank when we met and when he did it was for fun. After this happened the reason he drank changed and the way he acted when he was drunk changed. He became a different person, he didn’t care about me, he would be blackout drunk and be verbally and mentally abusive. Now he is unemployed and has been for several months with an alcohol problem and a nicotine problem that I’m not sure how he is able to financially support. We have a young child and I have hope that one day he will wake up and be the man I fell in love with. My hope is fading and I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait.

  4. Yvonne says:

    Been with my husband for 20 years, 3 kids. Love him but when the drink takes hold…. right now he moved out the family home to try and get sober after going on a 3 day bender days after my aunt that raised me died. He had given up work, i work full time but have just paid the last of my secret money stash on the Mortgage, no idea what happens next month. Right now he is on a bender, mutual friends have contacted me to say he has been turning up at his old work in a state. He has been awol for 48 hours – where is he getting the money?
    Family and friends say leave him, why are you putting up with this. I cry, get angry, get strong, think I can cope, think I can’t take anymore. It is hell living like this and I hope, pray that he can get sober and be the amazing man I fell in love with – that is why I am still here – the hope.

  5. Jess says:

    My husband and I have been together for 11 years in may, married for 9 in April. We have a no children together but 3 each from previous marriages (a total of 6)two are grown and the other four live with us full time. We work for the same company and have had a pretty great relationship for the most part in my eyes…he is kind, caring and we have great conversations. Everything on that end is fine….but there is the drinking. My husband is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks almost daily and drinks from the time he gets home to the time he goes to bed during the week and starts early on Saturday afternoons and continues drinking through Sunday night on most occasions. This isn’t anything new. Normally we have a cycle. About once every three-four months he will do something really really stupid ending us up in a huge fight and then he will apologize and cut back for a while and then three-four months later, another incident will occur. I have been trying to convince him for years that alcohol is the reason for his troubles. He will never admit it and never quit. I have only asked him to quit completely once, and he did for a bout a year and then, he went back. I have always just asked him to cut back becuase i dont think there is anything wrong with a person have a drink or two every so often.

    One of my issues is that I like to drink also. Not often, but I like to have a drink on a Friday night while out to dinner. One or two is my highest limit. Not him. He starts drinking before we even go to the restaurant and continues long after. Then bad things happen. Like i said he is not mean, just…stupid. Lets start with the big bad things:

    -IN the first year we met, he had 3 DUIs resulting in thousands of dollars paid for him to go through ASAP and to get his license back which took four years. I had to drive him around for years. One of them was a hit and run where he ran into a house and i was in the passenger seat and went through the windshield. I was lucky to survive.
    -He got really really drunk along time ago (before he knew me) when he was in his early twenties and slept with his sister. (Mind you they didn’t know each other, they had just met but really, still.)
    -He shot someone in the hand by accident (again, long before he ever met me but still)
    -He lost custody of his boys to their grama because he overslept on the court date and it took 10 years for him to get custody back. He just got it back BTW
    -He is so far in debt, owes back taxes, overdrafts his bank account (no, we don’t share one) and has maxed out all of his credit cards…but he ALWAYS has money for a bottle. (He doesn’t drink the cheap stuff either. I’m talking Captain Morgan, folks.)

    Those are the things that scream out to me as “big”. Now lets talk about the small things.
    -He constantly sleepwalks. Naked, sometimes. I sleep with one eye open every night because I want to be sure he doesn’t walk naked into one of the kid’s rooms. While he has never done that, he has ended up in the backyard once, and one of the kids saw him naked.
    -The kids have no respect for him because he constantly tried to have serious conversations with them when he is drunk. He gets angry that they dont respect him and doesn’t know why. Heres your sign??
    -He is addicted to porn, meaning, sex is almost irrelevant in our relationship. I never realized that this was an attribute of alcoholism until i started reading up on it. He gets drunk and watches porn. I wrote him a long letter about this just a couple of weeks ago and how it hurt me so bad that we never slept together and he literally read it, cracked a bottle, and then i walked in on him doing his thing to some porn. Needless to say, I threw his computer. It didn’t break unfortunately. He admiited once that he got so much lube on the bed while he was drunk and passed out with it in his hand while i was out of town that he had to wash the sheets. I took him back. He once admitted to me that he was engaging in live porn. I took him back. Stupid.
    -Recently I went out of town and when i came back, i felt like someone had been in my house. He told me he had “a get together” We NEVER have people over. So come to find out his brother and people (INCLUDING WOMEN) that I don’t know came over and drank with him and he doesn’t even remember what happened after that. He was too drunk. Apparently they all spent the night? Oh ya, one of our kids was there that night too…
    -He calls his sister on facetime while he is naked in the bath. Because it is funny. Yes, that sister. ????
    -Last week he got so drunk and his son had the flu and was throwing up profusely for about 6 hours. He was adamant that he wanted to help him so i gave him some guidance and he instead, brought him into the living room instead of quarantining him from the others, made him gulp down a protein drink until he got even more sick, and when i called him out on it, told me to F off.
    -He always friends random women on facebook when he is drunk. I have caught him often having conversations with them.
    -He slurs his words and says things that make absolutely no sense. He spills things, pisses himself, stumbles all over the place, it is so unattractive i wanna puke.

    These are just some that i came up with off the top of my head. I confront him about these things and he finds a way to blame me for everything that happens. Here’s the straw that broke the camels back. Saturday night i told him i needed him to make a decision, me or the drinking. He said THE DRINKING. Can you believe that? Can you believe that this man is confidently ending his marriage with me without even trying to do anything about it because he would rather drink?! My biggest concern here is that he will take his children that he fought so hard for and he will loose them within weeks. He is talking about moving to his mothers house (who is ALSO an alcoholic, mind you) but he cant because she smokes in the house and his son has asthma. I have advised him to get an apartment. He ignores me. Sleeps on the couch, stays on his computer and does God knows what. This has been going on since Saturday. The issue before this where the people came to my house was a month ago. So much for the three-four month breaks.
    I think he has finally given up on everything and i don’t know what to do. I want him to leave on one hand, but on the other i don’t. I don’t want the kids to suffer and i do love him when he goes through his “good periods” We have built a life together. Many years! I am so torn and so upset and so sick of this. My oldest son is 20 and he is a heroin addict who has been through rehab and has a good job and is doing well. My first husband was a drug addict who eventually sucomed to his addictions two years ago. I honestly feel like i am in this cycle with these people and i have know way how to get out. I want to run away, take my kids and go…but i dont know how….

  6. Kris d says:

    I’ve been married for 25 years and my husband knows he’s a drunk but he does not care he does not take anything seriously every thing is a joke. I feel being married to him is terrible. I don’t want another 25 years of this. I would like to help him but he does not want help. He bitter rude and just plain not right what can I do? I wish I had a way out!

  7. Kate says:

    I never thought this would happen to me. I met my husband at church when I was 18 and we got married when I was almost 20. It’s hard to pin down when exactly the excessive drinking started, but sometime last year he started wetting the bed and passing out in the couch (and wetting that) 4 or more times per week. He always tries to hide how many times he gets refill drinks from me… I don’t know why because it’s obvious he’s drinking. He mixes juice with different liquors in a 32oz bottle and usually has at least 2 of them. He also makes excuses for wetting the bed like “I sweater through the sheets” which is just obviously not true. We lost some friends because the husband made a comment to me once about “he was really drunk last night huh?” And I passed it along in a fight. Sometimes he blames me and my parents for his drinking, when he does acknowledge that he drinks too much. I’m not sure where to go from here. Most nights he holds it together until our daughter is in bed, but I dread coming back after laying he down. Constant yelling, paranoia, and making a big deal of little things. He always thinks the worst of me. Nad in the morning, he remembers about 10% of it. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it together.

  8. Deni says:

    My adult son has been addicted to alcohol, gave that up, then pain pills, then video games, now serious drugs. He has lived with me for 8 years for free. He is wonderful between addictions. He has stolen thousands from me. It got particularly bad last fall,when he took about $6000 from an inheritance I received. He told me he spent it on the floor a friend of his was installing in my house. I got a new car, after 12 years with my old one. He put 20,000 miles on it in 6 months. Finally he let his girlfriend drive it and she totalled it. I put him out and told him he could come back after rehab. He snuck in with his girlfriend and I found them in his room at 5an. I kicked then both out but now he says he is sleeping outside. He has no job, no money, no car. He is trying to manipulate me again. I am trying to stay strong. Reading these stories helps. Thank you for sharing.

  9. Salina says:

    I am so lost, I’m angry, then I burst into tears and now I go cold… married for 10 years been with him since I was 17 now 38! I actually feel comfort in writing, people I don’t know reading my story, understanding my pain. Why do I stay, love this man dearly, but I am so tied, so sad every evening …. I hurry to tuck the kids in bed, trying to shelter them from their dad. He hates me when he’s drunk and I hate to be around him. The kids are not babies anymore and I try my best to protect them from seeing him plastered.
    My head is so heavy, so disappointed in myself and confused as a mother. I go through it all, ezxavtkt what everyone describes, heartache, abuse et

    So alone

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