How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?

Published by at 11:19 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Pam, Anna, and Betty are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members who are willing to talk about how they deal with unacceptable behavior.

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154 comments

154 comments on “How do you deal with unacceptable behavior?”

  1. Sarah says:

    I’m a 26-year-old female living with my 30-year-old boyfriend of two years. He has been an alcoholic for about five years or more. It has caused him problems before (losing roommates, girlfriends, job, etc.), but has gone from bad to worse since I have been with him.

    I don’t want to leave him because we are really a great match, and when he is not binge drinking (so, just a few drinks a day and functioning fairly normally), everything is great between us. I won’t get into all the ins and outs because it has all been said through others on the comments. The basic gist is: he will probably die in the next couple of years, he is currently on a six-week binge and his life is in shambles, everyone in his family has pretty much cut him off, he hasn’t eaten a real meal in weeks. He throws up everything. He is unwilling to seek help and says he can get sober on his own.

    I want to stay with him–I said I would if he can get sober, but then what? How long before it happens again?

    I want to hear success stories about mates who have stayed off the booze for good. I need to have hope.

    I’m also sick to death of everyone telling me to leave him. I feel like they just don’t understand what it means to love someone.

  2. Debbie says:

    I am a 52-year-old woman who has been divorced for over 25 years from a man who I found out was a homosexual after we were married. This alone caused me to be leary and cautious of love again. Until one year ago.

    One year ago I met a someone! He literally landed in my back yard. He moved into the house behind my mom’s house, who I have lived with since my divorce. He made all the advances towards me. I was so scared and very cautious, but everybody said, “Go for it. It may be your last time and your true love.” Well, I let my guard down and fell in love.

    Last summer was magical, I hadn’t felt that way in many years. I knew that he liked his “beer” but I somehow overlooked it. His nephew, who he was sharing the house with, was moving to be closer to his job, so he had to move out to a cheaper place. We decided to move in together.

    In the beginning it was wonderful!! I had my own home for the first time in years and was so happy. Then things changed. The drinking was more and more. None of his family told me about the “change” that happens sometimes because of his drinking. He didn’t direct it towards me in the beginning. He would get mad at the dog, people at work and even neighbors.

    Yes, he holds down a job. Somedays I don’t know how, but he manages to do it. He works the midnight shift from 9pm to 6am. He lost his license to drinking a few years ago and no intentions of getting it back. Maybe this is a good thing! He gets off at 6 in the morning and let the drinking begin! The one sound I hate more in the world is the popping of the tab on a can of beer! He doesn’t pour just one beer into a glass at a time, but two. By 10:30 he is so sloppy drunk he talks out of his head, he becomes a whole other person.

    I work days in an office. I have come home to find the burner on the stove on full blast, the thermostat turned up to 85 and dog about to pant to death, food everywhere, lawn sprinkler left on for hours, the lawn mower in other people’s yard. When I mention it or say anything, he turns it around. I worry all day at work about what is going to happen at home. The worry and anxiety is affecting me physically, mentally and professionally.

    I find holes burned in new sheets I buy. I have to go thru the trash to make sure he doesn’t throw away my things! I go behind him every day when I get home and find a trail of clothes, tools, and junk! He can’t remember a thing I tell him unless I catch him in the 30 minutes I have before he goes to work.

    I have nowhere to go. I don’t want to move back home with my mom, but his problem is taking me to a dark place. I thought about suicide lately. I don’t want to admit failure again, but I don’t know what to do. I do everything in my power and being to make him happy and give him a secure home, but it is not enough! I am so tired and feel defeated!

  3. Christina says:

    My husband and I have been together for 2 years now. Just recently married. Before we got married I knew he had an alcohol problem. He gets very violent when he drinks, especially with me. He has been locked up on several occasions due to his drinking, for assault on a female.

    I love my husband very much! I don’t know what to do. He’s been sending pictures, sexting other females including his ex. He deletes text between him and females and claims it is innocent. He has recently put a block code on his phone saying it is because he doesn’t want me to flip out. I’m still confused. If everything was innocent, I wouldn’t flip out.

    We came on vacation (we are here now) Friday. We are supposed to stay til Tuesday. We had brought my 3 children by someone else and his oldest by someone else. He started drinking around 11 am or 12 noon Saturday morning and hasn’t stopped other than to sleep for about 5 hours. He got so angry that he yelled at me and called me names in front of the children at a grocery store. Granted I did say some mean things back, once we got to the car, because he hurt me really bad.

    He has a custody agreement with his oldest child’s mother saying that he is not to drink around their son. Because he gets violent. I won’t go into the details but his mom, sister, and several exs know how he can be. Now he is saying that it is my fault that his ex came to pick their son up from our vacation and even called the police. Yes, I did let her know that he was drinking and acting violent. I might have been in the wrong for that, but as a mother I would want to know.

    He knows he has a drinking problem. He has been fighting with it for many many years now. When he sobers up he apologizes and says he is sorry, that he knows better, he knows it is tearing everyone apart and that it isn’t right. But then will turn around and drink again. Once he starts no one, and I mean no one, can get him to stop. If anyone tries, he gets extremely mean and tries to fight them.

    I’m lost. I do not know what to do anymore. He was going to meetings and then he stopped. Every time something big happens he goes back to a meeting or two and then stops. He has been court-ordered to do a time-out program for his violence, which he has been about going to. But that doesn’t focus on the problem at hand, which is him drinking.

    I’m so lost. I’m not glad that I’m not the only one, but I am. It’s sad to see all of us are having problems with our partners or loved ones drinking. I’m afraid of my husband. Afraid that if one night he gets real drunk and I cross him wrong that he might severely hurt me. He has already put bruises on me before.

  4. Heart Broken says:

    I am heartbroken. I’m married 8 years, but been with my husband for 14. Before we got married we had problems, mainly due to my husband’s drinking. Him partying too hard, staying out all night, turning off his phone, not contacting me for days, me not knowing who he is with or where he is. His mum and sisters always had my back, but they never really challenged him. I got so fed up with his behaviour. The final straw was when I went to a work day out at the races, and he went partying the night before and lied to me (he was meant to be off drink). I had enough, and we broke up for 9-10 months.

    In that time, things got worse for him. He was turinig up to work, clocking in, and then sneaking off to the nightclubs when he was on night shift, drunk-driving and taking drugs. His job found out and sent him to a rehab center. He stayed the month and wrote to me weekly, asked me to go up, so he could right all his wrongs with me. I felt I was unable emotionally to face him, because I was stil grieving for him! So I wrote to him instead, and told him how it affected me, and what it had done to me and us and I couldn’t take it anymore. He said it really helped him to open up in rehab and he thanked me. He got out, and returned to work, began going to the gymn again and regular meetings. He wrote to me again and begged for one more chance. So I did, we got married that year, and tried to adjust to the new lifestyle. We were still young and had our arguments, and I had still a lot of trust issues with him. It took me a while to get over that he now did no socialisng with me, as in events, weddings christenings etc, anything where drink was involved, so I carried on going on my own.

    He stopped going to AA meetings and took up kick-boxing. He loved it, but it replaced the drinking, and it was all he thought about and talked about. He watched it on tv, youtube etc. We bought a house in the country, keeping away from old friends of his, etc. and I found it hard to adjust, because I missed the handiness of living in town, near work, friends and family.

    He went back and finished his apprenticship, which he abandoned during his crazy days. And when he finished up that, he went out for a game of pool with his classmates. I got a phone call to say that he was seen in a bar drinking. I said, no way, couldn’t be him, must be mistaken, but it was him, and I didn’t see him for 3 days.

    I was so gutted, so sad, heartbroken, zero trust, angry, etc. He felt bad and was going to do what it took to make things right, but he still felt that what he was taught in AA didn’t quite match what had just happened. He was told that if he began drinking again, his life would become unmanagable, and it actually didn’t. So he battled with this and it caused more tension between us. I was just so bloody angry, full of resentment, and I was also in a job I hated, so I was miserable. He said he wasn’t happy about the way things were and he felt all I did was hassle him about housework. So I stopped hassling him and he came around again. He had a couple more binges that year, sometimes after an argument, or sometimes when he was really, really stressed. He felt is was a release.

    A redundency package came up at work and he took it, we rented our house out, and we decided to go to Australia for a year. We spent 3 months in Thailand first, because he wanted to do Thai-boxing. We travelled around and he got to do what he wanted. No drinking over there, but he was always sneaking off in the mornings with our laptop looking up porn, and that made me feel so hurt! We argued about that, and he’d lie about it, then say sorry.

    When we got to Australia, he had another few binges, and then we were waiting to get sponsored and he was so stressed. He became withdrawn and very distant. He was acting suspicious and I felt something was not right. I checked his phone and found that he had been texting or sexting someone else, someone he said he met online, in a chat room.

    I was so shocked and unbelievably hurt. All the way over there and no friends or family to turn to. He said he was sorry and that he was really stressed, and that he didn’t feel attracted to me anymore, and felt bad about that, but he knew it was him pushing me away and turning to things outside the marriage to get him through.

    While I was hurting and trying to process everything, he went out and had another bender a few days later.
    He came home and sat down and cried his heart out, saying he just can’t believe what he had done, and how he had been so selfish and hurt me so much. He agreed to a password on the computor, and I could know all his passwords for his social media sites, etc. That worked for a while but I still had so much suspicion. It was the beginning of the killing of my confidence. I haven’t been right since.

    We came home from Aus and he set up his own business. He had another binge and it led to him telling me that he only binges because he knows he won’t get to drink again for months and months, so he may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb and keep going. He said he is well able to have just one or two, or three and four, and be done with it. “How do you know?” I asked, “Seeing as though anytime you drank in the past, it’s been for days!” He then told me that he’d been secretly drinking about 7-10 times, when I didn’t know about it. Just one or two or a few, nothing major. But that stung me so much, more lies and deception.

    We were at breaking point, so we agreed to see a counselor that had been recommended. He spoke with us and said he didn’t think he was alcoholic. He said he was a problem drinker and that the drinking was a symptom, not the main problem. Because of husband’s childhood, the counselor reckoned that that was why he turned to alcohol in times of stress. It was his only relief. He suffered with anxiety and bordering depression. This was music to my husband’s ears. We came up with a plan, that when he drinks he only drinks at family occasions, at barbecues and the like, and that I monitor it. And when I see him getting drunk, I give him the nod and then he stops.

    That happened about 3 times. He got so cocky and less apologetic, and then he started to think he was just like everybody else, and could drink regularly. I am so confused as to whether he is an acloholic, or is it a symptom. He has on numerous occasions just had a few, but in company or at a party, he goes bananas and cannot stop until he passes out. He drinks concoctions of beer, vodka, shots, cocktails, wine etc. He can’t go home, and then when he does, he sometimes goes off again the next day. He still thinks he’s one of the guys and can just go out for a few, but if he does go out with friends, he loses them at some stage, and ends up back at a party with someone else, and no contact with me. It takes him weeks to recover emotionally and he is so angry and so hard to live with. It makes me really angry and hard to be around him, but I want to do all the husband-and-wife stuff. And because I don’t trust him, or I’m angry at him, we argue!

    He is recently under a lot of pressure with work and has said he feels overwhelmed, but he has competely cut me off emotionally, like iceberg-cold. It was around Christmas, after a few binges consecutively, that he became unbearable and blamed it on me, why he is so angry. His business partner then told him he was leaving, so he felt enormous pressure and was also competing for a sports comp, (part of his work). I was going through my own stress and suffered terrible anxiety. We didn’t mix well together and became hostile towards each other. I then tried to make things better. I am going to counselling and I am working on myself constantly.

    I am praying every single day, sometimes up to 10 times a day. He has been getting worse. drinking with customers and other colleagues (female) and training every day with his female training partner. She is great for the business, but is demanding of his attention and I have said all this to him. He just wants to keep her sweet so she doesn’t leave (she’s had better offers of pay, etc). He just doesn’t see anything she is doing wrong and has completely put her and the business before me and my feelings.

    We have had so many arguments. It is like he is insane. I’m dealing with insanity. It came to nearly breaking point a few times. I have asked him is he haivg an affair, does he have feelings for her, etc. He said he hasn’t, and doesn’t. She’s good for business, etc. and he doesn’t even see her as female. I don’t trust her and I don’t trust him. He told me he doesn’t know how he feels about me anymore. He said he doesn’t feel any love or any emotion for me, or anyone or anything. But yet he doesn’t leave, or doeesn’t want me to leave.

    Why, oh why, am I waiting on him? Why do I love someone that is so horrible to me? I do not understand. Is he an alcoholic, or is he depressed and this is a symptom? He refuses any help–talking, therapy, or medication. Just wants me let him deal with this himself. He completely shuts down when I go to talk to him. His only answer is, “I don’t know.” You wouldn’t believe how much he says that. I feel so stuck!

  5. Tammy says:

    My husband used to be fun to go out to a bar with and just relax and have a good time. Then it started to become not fun any longer. He has a chronic back injury so was forced to retire in his late 30′s. His sister is a “functional alcoholic”. He has had 4 DWI’s since 2009. His last one was only 5 months ago. He is a veteran, not that it should matter but because he is and has depression he was told to follow a program and check in with the courts every month and they may drop his DWI case if he follows the program.

    Well, he is following the program. And I thought he was doing great. I would tell family members and his children that he has been 4 months sober, so you should tell him you are proud of him. Let me just say in those four months his father died unexpectedly and he made it through it without a drink. But the last month he has been drinking.

    I thought I smelt alcohol on him and felt really bad about questioning him if he had been drinking. He stated no and I asked again. He said, no. After a few hours of feeling like I was the bad guy doubting him, I asked one last time and he said, yes. I was upset for him lying, for him making me feel like I was not a supportive wife. But he then said he was sorry, but I explained he promised to change and I know it hasn’t been easy and I was proud of him for doing it but why would he chance hurting himself, me, his children or his family.

    He then stated you are so insecure and I said don’t change the issue–even though I am in therapy over it, because of past abuse and admitting I need to work this issue out. But why is it they seem to change the issue of their drinking to the opposite person’s issues? I am lost. Love him, and he is awesome without alcohol and our relationship seemed to improve from the time he quit drinking. But now that he is doing it again I am mad. He is playing Russian roulette with our lives and costing us financial and emotional distress. I can’t seem to trust him and I wonder what to do.

  6. Peggy says:

    Whoa, after reading a few of these stories I realize that though my husband is an alcoholic, I am the one with the problem. I make his problem mine. I am so co-dependent, so afraid of the world and being alone. We have been married almost 44 years. He is a wonderful man and very well liked when he is sober, but he is a slob and bumbling idiot when he is drunk.

    I am very tired of my life and being alone. He starts drinking (vodka) every day around 4:00 pm, continues drinking for about 5 hours. Then he “drunk cooks” and “drunk eats,” gag! Then he “sleeps.”

    I am so lonely. I keep thinking that I can be alone by myself, but I am afraid to go. Is he my addiction? I think I need a proverbial swift kick in the butt to move on. But I do love him. I am trapped and sometimes contemplate suicide.

  7. Stacy says:

    My heart breaks to read the stories on this page, but at the same time rejoices that I am not alone. The past year has been so difficult for our family. My husband is an alcoholic who was sober for 4 years & then out of the blue binge-drinking.

    I keep him away from our 4-year-old at these times as I do not want her to see her father like this, which is usually passed out & unable to be awakened. He has ruined a family vacation this year, my baby’s dance recital, numerous other family events that we were unable to attend, and many messes that I have had to clean up during his binges.

    I have lost all trust & respect for him. I am so over the lies, mental abuse–it’s your fault–and never knowing to whom or what I am going to have to deal with on a daily basis.

    I have consulted an attorney and paperwork is completed to file to have him committed to rehab if I catch him again. He has been sober for almost a week now. I just can’t live like this anymore. It has caused us financial problems, relationship issues and even his job suspects his drinking. I am soul-searching to determine how committed I really am to making this work–my only concern is for my daughter. She and I deserve better. He does too, but he has to realize that.

  8. GAp says:

    It is so sad to see what destructive power alcohol has. As someone once said, it is a very good remover–stain remover, money remover, family remover, marriage remover and much more.

    I have lived in a marriage where I have to deal with all sorts of problems due to my spouse’s drinking. He would come home at all hours of the night and sometimes the next morning. I was never supposed to think he was being unfaithful and was told he needed time with the boys. I was always made to feel responsible for his drinking, that I didn’t allow him time out, so he took it. This happened almost throughout my marriage to him.

    I always believed moving to a new town would help and things would get better, but the same thing kept happening. The funny thing is that I have always been made to feel responsible for his actions. If I found women’s numbers or make-up or curlers or condoms in his car, there was always an excuse and it was his friends playing pranks on him. I never felt like he cared about my feelings and didn’t put me first.

    There are so many things I regret about my life and wish I could change the past. I most regret that my beautiful children have had to endure this behaviour and our fighting because of these many incidents. I am 46 years old and he is 54 and we are still faced with the drinking issue. There is always an excuse and reason to drink and “it’s mostly because of my behaviour and my attitude to him.” I am supposed to be this negative person.

    He seems to do things to push me away but professes to love me and wants us to be together. There is always this issue of him pitying himself by saying he is the bad man, etc. I am at wits end and want to throw in the towel, but I just keep thinking of my children.

  9. Loretta says:

    My boyfriend has been in rehab for 12 days. He calls me every day to harass and belittle me about nonsense.

    He’s been an alcoholic his whole life, and it seems he’s now expert at destroying people and families, and those who love him the most. We’re his 3rd family he has done this to, not to mention the many many girlfriends he’s met and abused before me.

    He is 43 and can’t seem to keep a relationship because alcohol was always more important than anything or anybody. We have a fifteen-month-old son who he loves dearly, but now that he’s in rehab I feel like I should be running away. The abusive behaviour will never stop. As usual, I’m the crazy one and he says I’m the one that needs to change.

    I have changed and quit drinking cold turkey 2 years ago, and began taking care of everything and everybody, and I forgot all about taking care of me. Detaching and setting boundaries is so hard. He crosses the line all the time, and goes out of his way to show me how much of a piece of garbage I am.

    I’m trying to be supportive while he’s away, but that’s just not possible. He threatens to go off with someone from rehab and leave–his life, his choice. I guess he can do that if it makes him happy. He’s destroyed this family enough and I feel like there’s no going back. He took the love and intimacy and used it as a weapon against me. He wasn’t open to receiving love or giving it unless he used it to get what he wanted–very sick, if you ask me. And I guess there was never any love there for us, even though he says he loves his family sometimes. I just don’t know any more.

  10. Brenda says:

    It’s very hard to leave an addict. I still love my ex-husband very much. I did not want to hurt him when I left but he was threatening to kill me, I also watched him hold a gun to his head, try to hang himself and sat at the hospital with him after finding him unconscious in a pool of blood one night. He was admitted to the psych ward but he left. He has blamed me for everything and all I was was a good loving wife to him. I tried desperately to help him for over 5 years. It took everything I had to leave this man and 1.5 years later I still ache for him. I have been placed on anti depressants and finally realize what the alcoholic marriage did to me. It destroyed who I am, it consumed me. It hurt me emotionally and mentally crippled me. I lived in fear and still have relapses. I do love him, I do want to see him get better, he is not a bad person because he is an addict. Addiction took my best friend, lover and husband away from me. We were soul mates and had everything in common, except the alcohol addiction. I wish you all well but addiction is unpredictable and it is better to live alone than lonely. Alcohol leaves the sober partner lonely, alone, unloved and misunderstood. I am now broke, heart broken and emotionally broken, I will stand tall and proud again and will continue to miss the man I fell in love with, but for now, that man does not exist. Make the right decision for yourself, always remember addiction progresses and is unpredictable. I woke up thinking it was a new day and today would be better, I thought during his rages and death threats that tomorrow he will realize he needs help, but, he didn’t get better and tomorrow never came.

  11. Brandy says:

    My husband has been an alcoholic for about 8 months. And for some of you, I know that sounds like a short period of time. But, I’ve never seen anyone go downhill as fast as he did. He is not even a functioning alcoholic. He starts drinking and he just keeps drinking until he is utterly hammered and just keeps drinking.

    He’s lost his job – though he attributes it to them being out to get him. He has wrecked 3 cars, now has 3 DUI’s, has 2 domestic disorderly conduct charges against him and I just got a call that the police were called to a hotel because he was extremely intoxicated and causing problems and they didn’t want him there.

    That’s just his problems – the problems he’s caused for our family are much more huge. He’s been verbally abusive for the last 8 months. When he drinks, pure hatred comes out of him – toward both me and his 11-year-old daughter. That is not to mention the financial problems it has caused me, and continues to cause me. I realize that is probably why many spouses stay with an alcoholic is because the financial repercussions of trying to separate from them and being the only responsible person in the relationship is just really hard to bear.

    Recently, his verbal abuse has escalated. He’s been destroying things. I have holes in my walls. He will throw things, he destroyed my kitchen and a doorway – all because I took too long to bring him food back one day and when he argued with me, I told him I was right and he was wrong. He was sober for 2 days and wanted to act like he was fixed and I should trust him because he wasn’t going to drink again.

    He did. Ended up in the ER from a near overdose by mixing alcohol with pain killers. Then, he lied to me (oh, the lies he has told – there is nothing I believe from him) about having alcohol in the house and I made him leave. He got a DUI and I stupidly took responsibility for him. He came home and was belligerent as usual and got physical with me – just shoving me around, but that was enough.

    This is not to mention the arguments I’ve had to endure and the amazing mental deterioration that seems to be going on in his mind. He’s manufactured this affair I had – or am having – with the guy I was seeing before I ever met him. The reason? Not very long after I met my husband, I had lunch with this ex because he owed me over $3,000 and he offered to give me a payment. I got money, brought it home, and told my husband (then boyfriend) about it. Now 8 years later – that one lunch has turned into me not being able to leave work without being under suspicion of meeting this ex. That was 8 years ago and I haven’t seen him since. But we fight about it regularly. So much so that he’s claimed to have called the ex to get “verification”. It’s like being in jail.

    So, I’ve told him I can’t control his drinking. I can’t stop him from drinking. But, I can control whether I accept being around him when he drinks. I do not. I told him he cannot be home and drink. So, back to the point that I got a call from the police saying he was getting kicked out of the hotel he went to drink at because I don’t want him at home. This time, I told them no. I will not take responsibility and they cannot ask me to bring him into my home with an 11-year-old.

    She’s the other wrinkle. She’s not mine, but we have primary custody. She’s living with me right now, but if my husband keeps this up, his ex will try to take custody away. That could be a problem for me without him living in the house anyway. I’ve considered a restraining order so he cannot come home, but then I’m afraid I will lose this daughter that I’ve raised since she was 3 years old as well.

    It’s difficult to know the right decisions to make. But, I think I’m on the right track.

  12. cjbtx says:

    Here we go again. Drinking – not drinking. I have been checking on information about Al-Anon for several months now, but have yet to find a meeting. Now 15 months into our relationshaip and history just keeps repeating itself. On good days I tell myself that he is doing so much better and has come such a long way. Yet, each and every time he falls off the wagon, I ask myself do I truly have the strength for this.

    No matter how we look at an alcoholic’s problem, does anybody deserve to be spoken to or treated badly? I have come to the point that by me continuing to try, it only enables him to continue drinking. At some point the Lord will take over and what shall be, will be. I am done trying to save this relationship and him from his own evil. It is time to save me!

  13. Nicole says:

    I left my alcoholic husband after five years of marriage and two children. He was loving to me, but he was completely unconcerned with responsibility. At one point, he refused to watch the children for me to work, and we were in such a bind with only a couple months of living expenses. He took the money and bought a boat with it. When I asked why, how, what would we do? He promised to get a job. I gave him a chance–a month later he’s cruising around on the boat wondering why I was so mad at him. I finally asked what we would do for money. And could I work? His solution was for us to go live with his parents.

    I left. I had nothing and I left with my two kids, I kicked him out. I didn’t hear from him for two months. The day his last unemployment check was supposed to get deposited, I used the last of my gas I had been saving all week to go to the bank when it opened. I luckily got the money before he did and I was able to A) buy gas to make it home, and B) buy diapers. I used it to pay bills and childcare to find a job. I had good rapport with my landlord and he worked with me, but a friend asked me to live with her and I did for a few weeks, lived with my sister for two weeks while I waited on a small apartment–a shared living arrangement with a friend from work.

    I was so humbled. Things really came together though. I had to pay for childcare, which crushed me. Government subsidy didn’t kick in until I was working 25 hours. I couldn’t work without childcare, but somehow for 6 months I managed–friends, daycare at the gym I worked, cheap babysitters on Craigslist! It was heart-wrenching. The pittance my ex was asked to pay in child support rarely came through, and when it did, I was so far behind, it was gone the same day.

    I came a long way since those days. I had set boundaries and he still tried to cross them, I held tight to the grounds I made because I had fought so hard to regain them–I prayed and asked if I should be released from my marriage. I didn’t know, because I still loved him. I got the answers and I filed for divorce. It still pains me and hurts me. I still have love for him.

    He seemed to be doing okay, and he admitted he wanted to be back with me and he loved me, but he was afraid to be with me again because he didn’t want me to leave him again. He admitted he would not stop drinking or smoking weed and he knew I could not live with that. (Even though at one time I pleaded with him and I said I would!) He is good at a distance, but as time goes on and our children get older, they see who is their caretaker. They tell me they love me the most–they outright say they love me the most and I am the best mommy in the world (they are two girls).

    I still make a lot of mistakes though. Parenting is not one of them. I have a lot of trouble respecting me and my boundaries and doing what is best “for me,” but if I consider what is best “for them,” I can come to the right decision. Having that precaution there has in turn allowed me to recognize what is right for me, and what I need to do to make me happy and be healthy and take care of myself.

    I worked hard, but I really know what it means to say I owe it all to them. I am still single and struggling, and it isn’t always pleasant. But it is always, always rewarding.

  14. Kim says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 yrs now and it has been exhausting instead of enjoyable. We have a 5-yr-old little girl and is a joy to be around. When we first met he did drink but I took it as a nervous habit to break the ice when around me. We both had drinks when we went out, but then he began drinking every day and staying out all night. I confronted him over this behaviour time and time again. I eventually said we were finished if he did not quit drinking, as he hates me when he has booze in him.

    He did quit for about a year and then came home completely wasted one night and right away started at me screaming and saying I wanted to be his boss and he’s not an alcoholic. He screamed so loud and fierce in my face I could no longer take it and I hit him. He proceeded to smash everything in the room and I attacked him, punching him in the face, kicking him, feeling total hate for him for what he has done. Skipping to the end, I spent the day in jail for asssault–which I will be honest I was wrong, but I could only take so much.

    We seperated and only 2 months later he begged me by crying ad swearing he would never drink again and his family was everything that mattered to him and wanted to come home. I thought about it and decided maybe this time he gets it and will quit. Well, he proposed marriage to me 1 yr later and I said as long as your promise still stands I will marry you glady.

    He swore to me that he would never hurt me like that and I had nothing to worry about. Well, 1 yr post engagment, I pick him up from work and can smell liquor on his breath. I asked him flat out was he drinking and he denied it as I knew he would. Eventually he broke down and told me the truth and said he lied because he was afraid of me leaving.

    Yeah, sure, cry me a river, but I don’t think I should stay with him–but at the same time, the last year has been so great that I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if he just slipped and made a mistake or if this is just gonna keep happening. I don’t want to waste any more time on him if he is gonna keep repeating history. I love him to death, but I have to love myself and child too! Thanks for reading

  15. Marie says:

    My boyfriend of 4 years is a helpful, unique, funny, friendly, warm, caring sensitive person, but he is also full of rage. It seems the only thing that keeps this rage at bay is his drug of choice, which is weed. He is lighthearted and sweet when he is high, which is almost all of the time. When he takes it to an extreme, which is more and more so lately, he is out of it and zombie-like, which to me is just boring and uninspiring–but not the real problem.

    The problem is that he can’t handle normal life and not be filled with rage if he doesn’t have access to his drug. It consumes him and his every thought and he can’t relax until he knows he is about to use. This has caused many problems for us because of the way he treats me when he is rageful and the way he prioritizes his life to obtain and use his drug.

    Going on trips, something that I used to love, has become a nightmare because he can’t bring his drug on the plane and therefore has to do without usually for the duration of our stay and this makes him unbearable to be around. The first day is usually spent with him having extreme headaches, not being able to eat, and sometimes vomiting. The rest of the time he is impatient, irritable, angry, and hurtful.

    He also has a hard time holding down jobs because of it, has been fired for failing drug tests at work, has trouble getting jobs he’s qualified for because he has a drug conviction on his record, has been pulled over and arrested for possession since then and has talked his way out of the police booking him. He has trouble paying rent and contributing to household expenses because his paychecks are spent on his drug first and that usually doesn’t leave much left over for bills. We can’t go out to dinner or do normal things that couples do because he claims he is always broke, yet ALWAYS has enough money for his drug.

    I can’t trust him because he has lied to me so many times in order to keep me from finding out that he is buying or using instead of doing what he said he was doing. If I bring any of this up to him, he leaves and doesn’t come home at night, sometimes for days or weeks at a time.

    He says I’m paranoid, controlling, suspicious and nagging and that I shouldn’t make him feel guilty for doing something he likes doing because it’s not causing any problems. I want so badly for him to see things from my perspective and with clarity, but he is so caught up with this, that I don’t know if he ever will.

    So what I do know is that I can’t waste any more of my time, energy and happiness trying to get him to see how destructive his habit is on his life and our relationship. Al-Anon has helped set me free from the burden of trying to control someone else’s behavior and influence their choices.

    I have found comfort that I am not alone, I’m not crazy and there is hope for a better, happier life for me. I am still working on accepting that addiction is a disease and not a choice and I’m learning to set boundaries with love and patience instead of hostility and anger.

    I miss the care-free, positive person I used to be and I’m looking forward to getting that back.

  16. Brandi says:

    Had another fight with my husband Saturday, cause he does not understand what his drinking has done to me and to our relationship. He thinks I am just a _____, and now his son is coming home drunk again and he is trying to buy pills from his son. But he sees nothing wrong with that cause he has a script to them.

    He tells me I am paranoid and I make things worse than they are. I feel so alone and so confused. I have no one to talk to. I feel like I am going crazy.

  17. Brandi says:

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 16 years. We have a 15-year-old and a 12-year-old together, and he had a 28-year-old son from another relationship. My husband is not just an alcoholic, he is also addicted to antidepressants.

    He has always taken pills and when that is not enough he drinks, takes sleeping pills, and smokes weed. So now his son has became like-father-like-son and has been arrested and drinks, takes pills, and has a 2-year-old son. His son lost his job and apartment, and had to move in with us. So now I live with two alcoholic-addicts.

    I feel like I am going crazy and my husband tells me all the time I am crazy. I don’t take care of myself anymore, I don’t ever rest, and I have gained so much weight–even though I never eat. I don’t know what to do anymore. If I tell my husband his son came home drunk, he does not believe me. If I ask my husband if he has been drinking, he lies to me.

    I came home from work early and my husband was not home, so I called him and could tell he was drunk. I said, what are you doing? He said, oh, I was sleeping. I said, were you drinking? He said, no, I was asleep on the couch–you woke me up. I was standing in our living room and he was not home. He just lies to me, then says I never want to have sex with him.

    I don’t feel like having sex when he has been drinking or when I knew he has lied to me. It makes me feel like I don’t mean anything, so how do I have sex with someone that lies to me.

  18. Mike says:

    Its 1:04 and im sitting next to the fire with my little boy (8 months). My wife is drunk again sleeping in our room with the door closed. She had a memorial golf tournament for her brother. She came home late, smelling like booze, swearing about this thing was said and my mom is such a.

    Our son wakes up a lot when moms been drinking–im not sure if he can sense it or what. I threatned to leave but i know its not good for my son. Shes promised to quit again and again. Her familly drinks a lot and i cannot turn to them as they all seem to be in denial about the “family issue.”

    She has gotten violent on occasions and i am scared that i am going to hurt her eventually, as i am running out of patience.

  19. Chris says:

    My friend, Steve, I have had a 15-year on-and-off relationship with. He lived with me briefly, but his drinking and self-destructive ways I could not raise my son with, so I had him move out. I love this man, but his drinking was to the point he lost jobs, had a bad temper, gambled and I was always at fault.

    When he drinks, he says how much he loves me, but when he doesn’t I am not beautiful enough, smart enough, and it kills me, because no matter how hard I try, I will never be able to fill the shoes he expects me to fill.

    Just recently, he wanted to kill himself, but this was on-going for years, and now he is trying to stay sober, but after 15 years, he doesn’t want me because I am not good enough. But I did tell him that I couldn’t hold his hand while he was being self-destructive, because he called me so many horrible names, too x-rated to even write.

    I have let him go so many times, and this time I think it was the final straw. When he drank so much, he was in the hospital telling me how the nurses were so hot, I hung up on him and told him I can’t throw him a pity party. I gave him money, never getting a dime back, and I guess I sometimes don’t know how to move on from him, because I feel bad if anything happens to him.

  20. BKR says:

    I’m an adult child of two parents that are alcoholic/addicts who have relapsed. How long since the relapse has taken place? I speculate for about two-three years at least. I can’t verify it. I’ve been gone and usually only see them during the holidays. Ask them, it was just a “slip.” Ask my other family members–their behavior has been bizarre for quite a while, I just wasn’t around to take the beating this time.

    After 25 years of watching them kill themselves, then having them sober for what I thought was ten years, but was really closer to seven, I’m over it. I’m so detached, and not interested in the lying and deceit involved in their issues. I don’t cry about them anymore. Sometimes I get angry because I see them purposefully imploding, and the fact that they CAN change but refuse to do so is baffling. I love them, now from 1500 miles away, and I have no intentions of returning at this point. I joined the military, and though I was considering going home, now I know I won’t. There’s nothing to go back to with them, except the drama.

    The late-night drunken calls have started again, and now I sit here after one of those special calls from my mother, just disgusted. She talks about how she talks to her sponsor eeeeeevery day (that must be before she starts drinking) and how it’s all my dad’s fault that there’s even alcohol in the house (but she doesn’t touch a drop!). I’m sure he’d say the same to deflect to her, but it’s hardly worth the effort to find out anymore.

    When it all comes down to it, it’s all about them–all the time, and I’m tired of giving up my life to help them “fix” theirs. After years of keeping her face out of the soup bowl at the holiday dinner table, him from killing her in a rage, the DUIs, the embarrassment and pain, the rehabs, the counseling, the time, the pain, the countless numbers of arguments and tears, the confusion, the threats, the makeups, the b.s., the Al-Anon, honestly, I’m sick of their decisions to kill themselves. It’s selfish. It’s harmful. It’s impossible for me to stand by in their vicinity and not get sucked in. So I stay away.

    Addiction is a disease, but it’s a disease of choice. Co-dependency, in my opinion, is also a choice. I choose to live apart from their disease and the chaos that inevitably ensues when they’re in the throes. It’s the only thing that’s worked for me–space.

    The smell of booze makes my stomach turn, and I can’t stand trying to have a conversation with a drunk. Being raised by them has hardened me in so many ways. I’m the “over-achiever” ACOA–the fix-it mastermind who kept up the facade of them being great when I knew my mother had just run the family car into the living room, or my dad had knocked out her tooth. Looking back, I often wonder, “How didn’t I end up just like them?”

    During her recovery, my mother would constantly transfer her life to me, and tell me over and again how I was very possibly next in the addict gene pool. My response wasn’t denial–I really don’t like to be drunk. I’m AFRAID to relax that way. In my experiences with people, bad stuff happens when you’re all jacked up. I prefer a cup of hot chocolate, a good book, my children’s smiles. Not fighting, guns, and lunatics.

    But what was also interesting to me was as selfish as addiction is, their recovery is equally as selfish. At the end of the day, it’s all about them. OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Their addiction. Their recovery. Their fight. Yeah–what about everyone else?! As a child, I’ve been fighting to get the attention and validation, but it’s tough to compete with Jim Beam, Captain Morgan or Jack Daniels. Those guys are evidently high-maintenance and require a lot of energy. Too much for their kids.

    My approach to “dealing” with unacceptable behavior? I love them, but I can’t help them. I am no longer their scape goat, their excuse or their safety net. Period. Their behavior is damaging and stressful, and flat-out unfair to their children and grandchildren, and I’m sick of being the collateral damage of their refusal to deal and cope in a healthy manner. They made a commitment to take care of each other–I have to make a commitment to take care of my children and I. My boundaries are set: Get help, or don’t call. And stop drunk dialing me!!! I won’t be going home for the holidays this year–I can’t cope with the lies, and deserve to be around people I can trust. Period.

  21. Matthew says:

    I have been sober a number of years One Day at a Time, & am now faced with a wife that wants to go out drinking socially, something that we clearly discussed was not to be a part of our lives as Christians & because we both came from alcoholic homes. This should get interesting, as two of her previous husbands were practicing alcoholics.

    She seems to take a pill for everything, likes the casino, but even though she earns an excellent wage her middle names should be “overdraft fee.” Her 14-year-old, ADHD son is allowed to play violent video games endlessly, does very few chores but is rewarded with a 4″ lock-knife on my last trip out of town–after he thought it was ok to physically attack me after one of his blow-ups. I have tried to give him balance, but it was always undone as soon as I left town to work. I feel sorry for the direction his life is headed. At this time, all I can do is fall to my knees & ask God for direction, daily.

  22. David says:

    Well, first I patiently and naively waited until I couldn’t take it anymore and was in a state of utter anguish. Then I gave the ultimatum, “If we are not in counseling within a year, I want a divorce.” Guess where we’re headed?

    It seems with alcoholism when we finally realize the gravity of the situation, it’s likely too late. She WAS in love with me. We DID have an awesome relationship. Then she became attracted to the bar scene. I never did, so we grew apart from there. People change–sure, but the changes an active alcoholic goes through are nothing nice. The phrase “mental deterioration” comes to mind–ugh!

    I wonder how much more I would have tolerated if I didn’t have a daughter who deserves better.

    They say hindsight is 20/20. I wish that were true for alcoholics! Also, I wish the progressive illness of alcoholism wasn’t so hard to recognize early on. I actually once believed that my fears were based on an immature jealousy I needed to overcome. I figured that just because I didn’t enjoy hanging at the bar, why should I have a problem with her doing so.

    Enough nights home alone with our daughter changed my disposition on that. I remember the first time I insisted that things change. We lost our house, but our family was intact and it seemed like we’d be able to look back at those days as challenges we overcame together. Not working at the bar did wonders for our relationship, and before a year had passed we were already buying land and building a house. But I’ll be damned if living out in the middle of nowhere can keep the sickness at bay. Alcoholics find one another. If only healthy things could be pursued with the diligence an alcoholic has while after their next drink.

    Now I am mentally disturbed because I was unable to protect my wife, and the vow “in sickness and in health” was too difficult for me to keep. Pretty soon here I am going to attend an Al-Anon meeting in hopes that I can somehow get over lost love and a broken family. From the posts here, it seems like all there is are women dealing with alcoholic men–weird!

  23. Becky says:

    I have been in Al-Anon now for 2 years. I am 57 years old and did not realize my father was/is an alcoholic. My mom died a few years back and I was driving once a week to visit my dad and I was getting into arguments with him so bizarre that if you asked me what they were about, I’d say, I don’t even know how they started. I would drive home feeling crazy. I finally called my sister, who lives out of state and she said for me to go to Al-Anon and everything would start making sense because Dad is an alcoholic (highly functioning alcoholic).

    I learned in Al-Anon to identify the problem. Dad is an alcoholic, even if he will not admit it to himself. I learned that I am sicker than he is in my dysfunctional thinking. Being raised by an alcoholic was an emotional war zone. Sniper attacks of mean comments and then being told I am overly sensitive. A child being raised that way does not know what “normal” is. Disciplining a child under the influence of alcohol is also damaging. The consequences to behavior are overly exaggerated. Mistakes that are small are huge in the alcoholic’s distorted view of the world. An example: exploding over a small minor infraction like dropping something on the floor would get me a hurtful remark from the alcoholic. And then there would be days when he would treat me lovingly. Growing up like that is so very confusing to a child–painful, difficult.

    I have learned so much in Al-Anon. First thing I learned was to never argue with an alcoholic. They get high arguing. It will just escalate. The answers are, “Hmm, you may be right. Yes, you are right, you are right.” The second thing I learned in Al-Anon was to not put up for a second with misbehavior. Leave! Drive around, go to a hotel, but leave. Do not stick around to be further abused. I don’t have to tell the alcoholic anything, just leave–have a pre-made plan.

    The next thing I learned in Al-Anon was I did not cause it, I cannot cure it and I cannot control it. Then the “Do’s and Don’ts” always help. You have to go to an Al-Anon meeting to get those. I want to encourage you to go. The next thing I did was study exactly what alcohol does to the body and why it is so difficult to quit. If you have any addiction. Shopping, games, cigarettes, food, that you have tried to control–it is the same compulsion. But alcohol is extremely painful to quit and get out of the system. The body literally goes into shock in withdrawal, so the alcoholic knows this pain and has to drink more and more to stop this pain.

    We all play a role in the alcoholic’s life. We are in a 3-act play. If you will remove yourself from your role, the alcoholic will hopefully start struggling enough to go into recovery. But every time we rescue the alcoholic from the natural consequences of their behavior, we prolong them getting into recovery. They have to hurt bad enough to recover. Our addiction in Al-Anon is “rescuing”. Most of us know that role very well. And the alcoholic knows how to “play” us.

    Do your children a favor, break the addiction cycle and get yourself and them into recovery with you. They can recover and how wonderful life will be, free from repeating the generational cycle of addiction. My life would have been so much better earlier in life if I had gone to Alateen but like I said earlier, I did not recognize my dad as an alcoholic. But I am grateful to Al-Anon now. Through Al-Anon I entered Overeaters Anonymous for my eating disorder and have lost 46 pounds. I have so much more freedom to be me now and my low self-esteem is greatly reduced by working the 12 Steps in Al-Anon and OA.

    Oh, by the way, we all thought my mom was the crazy one. Little did we know that it was my dad who drove her crazy. She was an untreated Al-Anon. She was at stage 4 cancer at the end of her life. Why did she not tell anyone? She wanted to escape. She was 70 when she died. Don’t be like my mom–waiting to escape. There is hope in Al-Anon.

    I can now be around my dad for short periods of time. When he misbehaves, I leave. I love Al-Anon. (I didn’t at first, but now I do).

  24. tori says:

    I have been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. I met him when he was a functioning alcoholic. He quit drinking 6 months ago–so proud of him, but I am feeling he is not in love with me. I know he loves me as a person, but my gut is saying he is not in love with me.

    He is so very different. He only stopped drinking because of me–I do not drink. He stopped because he was afraid he was going to lose me.

    Our sex life has changed. I talked to him one day and told him how I was feeling, and asked–if you met me sober, would you have dated me? He said probably not. That hurt so much. Then he said I love you. You are a nice, kind person.

    I don’t get where he is coming from anymore–just feeling so very sad and alone, not sure what to do.

  25. Dottie says:

    My 34-year-old son is an alcoholic. He is my only child We gave him a Beaver-Cleaver lifestyle growing up. He’s had DUI’s. His kids would have nothing, if not for hubby and me. He is arrogant, disrespectful. He only calls us when he wants money or something. We helped him get into a HUD home and he not only has not fixed it up, it looks worse than when we bought it.

    I know we are enablers. I have no peace. He has hurt our feelings over and over. When he’s not drinking, he’s the kindest, sweetest, most personable man you would ever meet. But he’s a mean drunk. He flirts with other women all the time. The not-so-stable-herself mother of his 2 kids has left and come back over and over.

    How can I have peace, I’m 58 and I’m just worn out. He can buy beer, cigarettes and fishing stuff, but his 4-year-old son’s clothes are too small. Of course, I end up buying the kids’ clothes because I worry about them. If it weren’t for the babies, I would just as soon leave this earth for good.

  26. sue says:

    My 21-year-old son has been making our lives difficult with his unacceptable behavior for years. I am new to Al-Anon and it is certainly what I need. I have trouble deciphering between unacceptable behavior where I should be drawing boundaries and unacceptable behavior where I should just let go and save my sanity. Most of his behavior affects us financially, and disrespects our time and efforts. But my efforts to explain to him how this affects all of us in the family, fall on deaf ears. He doesn’t care.

    I love the idea of finding peace and letting go, but when it directly impacts my life in a negative way (trashing the house, wasting our resources, refusing to work, having friends over and leaving their mess, etc.) it is hard to not be resentful. I have yet to understand the difference between setting boundaries and giving in to a higher power.

  27. Marie says:

    I was rudely awakened at 8 a.m. this morning. My husband is yelling and cursing at me to kill the cat. He does not comprehend that the cat wants food. So my day begins.

    This is the sixth day of his drunken binge. He has been drinking heavily for about 2 years. He has never been on a binge that lasted this long. Both my family and his family have abandoned me. I called his two real friends for help yesterday. They came over. However, typical of the alcoholic, he convinced them that I was the nut. I’m not sure how he pulled it off because he reeked of alcohol and needed a shower. After they left, he returned to his foul self. He calls me stupid, weakling, etc. These are better than what he called me last year. BTW. I am 71 years old.

    We are both retired. I thought we’d be enjoying our golden years. Instead, I lay here afraid to move or make any noise.

    I moved out of the bedroom about 10 years ago. In retrospect, his alcoholism may have begun then. He was promoted to a 3rd level managerial position. He worked long hours and drank with his subordinates after work. However, he was never drunk or mean. I moved out because I worked in Information Technology. I was on call every 2 weeks and was called all hours of the night. Naturally, the calls woke him up and he complained. Anyway, I thought that was why I moved out of the bedroom. Now I think I used it as an excuse. The truth is that I was neglected. He never invited me out. He went to his company functions sans me.

    I despise what he’s become. I pray to God to not let me hate him. But he smells and uses obscene language all day every day.

    I feel so alone and so isolated. During these drunken days he has cried everyday that he is dying. In my heart I wish he does. But I have been fighting with him to try to get him to sign our living trust. He no longer understands what it is. I cannot get him to a notary. I thought of having one come to the house. However, I don’t think he’ll be sober enough to sign.

    I know this sounds cold and calculated, but my home is all I have. He has an illegitimate son who hates him and has never tried to establish a relationship with him. I’m afraid that he will get everything I’ve worked hard to get. I have furnished and maintained my home with very little help from my husband.

    Anyway, I’m lying here fearful to move, fearful to hear his ranting and raving, fearful to face the day. I’ve had very little to eat these past 5 days and I am so hungry. But I sit outside or in the garage almost all of the day praying. I’m afraid to leave the house for fear he’ll drive drunkenly to drink more with his drinking buddies. He’s already almost driven through the garage door. God help us if he injures or kills an innocent person.

    I know I’ll survive this day as I have the others. But I want to live. I want to turn on my music and sing and dance as I clean house. I want to invite my friends over for tea and laugh and have fun. I want to sit at the beach and read as I listen to the rippling water. Instead, I feel stuck in this house of death. It feels like death in here. I feel like my coffin has been sealed and I’m still alive. I need help. I need him out of here. There’s no one to help me.

  28. Angela says:

    My husband is an alcoholic and was honest enough to tell me when we began dating, but I didn’t believe him because he is a functional alcoholic and I thought an alcoholic was a person that drank all of the time. Now, five years later, his disease has become worse. I feel I cannot trust him and he is not there as a husband and father like I need him to be. I love him very much, but he constantly is trying to manipulate me to adjust to his disease. He wants me to watch his drinking for him, which never works, and doesn’t give me time to enjoy myself, ever.

    Whenever I confront him about his problem, he finds a way to turn it around and somehow blame me for everything, and it hurts. I just discovered Al-Anon a few days ago, and I am very happy that there are others that can help me because at this point I am lost and I fear that I am going to cause permanent damage to my 3 children.

    I am already thankful for this web site because not only have I discovered the extent of my husband’s disease, I also now have realized that I am a child of an alcoholic. I grew up thinking having a drink every night was perfectly acceptable. I have always been upset with my father for how he belittled me and put me down my whole life and never understood what I did to deserve it, but now I am understanding a little better.

    I never set boundaries for my husband until recently. I spent my time worrying about what he would do next and trying to monitor his life so ours would stay as normal as possible. My personal life has become nonexistent and I feel very alone. I have started to make changes to better that, as well as set a few boundaries for my husband. He hasn’t taken it too well and is fighting me tooth and nail as well as using some of them to his advantage. This part is very frustrating.

    I am hopeful that going to meetings will help me to find a way to make things between me and him more manageable, but most of all I hope to fight my own demons from having alcoholism around me and affecting me my whole life. I don’t know what the future brings, but I am thankful to finally have hope again.

  29. Marge says:

    I’ve been married to my second husband for 7 years now. We have a three-year-old, beautiful girl together. I also have a 16-year-old and 21-year-old from a previous marriage.

    My husband has always enjoyed drinking. However, the last two years have been unbearable. I know he’s been caught drinking at work, he was fired from one job because of it. He is rude at family functions, just a miserable person when he drinks (all the time).

    More recently he has been seeing a doctor for depression. He agreed to go to AA, but only lasted a couple of weeks. I do love him, but the past couple years have been draining. I work full-time and go to school part-time, I just want my old husband back.

    We used to have fun and now I am embarrassed to go anywhere with him. My friends can see he has changed, and the worst thing he could ever possibly do is drive drunk with my daughter in the car. I believe he has done this and I’ve begged him time again to promise me he won’t, but I am terrified that he will end up hurting her or someone else.

    I am torn right now. He says he will stop, but I’ve caught him drunk a few times since he promised this. We have a home together and are in a lot of debt, so I am a little leary to leave because of that. I question if I’m right to want to end this marriage, or do I hope he will quit someday. My children are the most important things in the world to me, and I don’t want them (especially my 3-yr-old) exposed to this kind of behaviour, but I also worry about ending my marriage and hurting my 3-year-old.

  30. brenda says:

    How do I deal with unacceptable behaviour? It depends on how unacceptable it is to me. Sometimes I may confront by, as my dad called it, kidding on the square–meaning I don’t really want to hurt the other person’s feelings, but I do want them to know that their conduct is unacceptable. This manner of confronting bad or unnaceptable behavior usually works for me.

    I think addicts get so used to their behavior that they don’t realize they are doing wrong, just like a person who uses too many expletives and doesn’t realize it, or is so used to speaking profanity it seems normal to them, and of course the addicts will surround themselves with others who are in the same boat and unacceptable behavior becomes normal to them.

    I stand by the moral and godly principles I have been raised by and that I have acquired through my lifelong walk with my HP. I let others know simply by living my life in front of them that I have these certain moral standards and I do not tolerate unacceptable behaviour, and if it continues they have to leave.

  31. Brooke says:

    My husband claims he is not an alcoholic and then other times he says he is. He said the other day that I brainwash him into thinking and believing he is an alcoholic. Well, the truth is I know he has a problem. He does not pick up a drink every day, but when he does, it doesn’t stop and he does not say no.

    I went to a few meetings here and there, I feel a little better at times. I have so much hurt, embarrassment, and anger. I am angry of all the lies he tells me to my face as if I don’t know what he is or was doing. I feel like a fool for even acting like I believe him when I know the truth. I am hurt by all his actions and lack thereof. I feel destroyed inside. I have three sons and I don’t want them to see their dad like that or follow in his footsteps with the drinking.

    He had not had a drink in 7 months (he claims), but I know he has at least twice. Then two weeks ago we had gotten into an argument and then he did it again. Came home stumbling, slurring words, yelling, saying mean things, and drove home drunk. I mean, really drunk. He is a mean drunk and at times I don’t feel safe. For whatever reason, it changed me this time and forever will. For the first time I realize I can’t control it and nothing I can say will change anything. I feel like a I can finally separate myself from him and his behavior.

  32. Christine says:

    Thank you for these broadcasts. I desperately needed a meeting but I am at work. These podcasts helped me to climb back down out of my tree until I can get to my home group in person. Thanks!

  33. Cindy says:

    I have read all of these posts and I am glad to hear that I am not alone. My partner and I just broke up, again, because I called his mom while we were broken up to say goodbye to her. I will not be going back to him, and I left him a voice message that was so mean that he would never want me back.

    My ex has been going to A.A. for 10 years and really truly has not done the work. I asked someone how they can do the work and he can’t and his analogy was about someone going to the gym, walking around and not doing the work.

    My ex is also a codeine addict, I think is a sex addict, and smokes. He drinks a bottle of cough syrup a day with codeine, and when I talk to him about how he treats me, he turns it around and makes it about me. He is abusive, manipulative, has stolen prescription drugs from me, among other horrible things.

    He was going to the Addictions Foundation but quit when we broke up. I told him he has to go for him, not me. He is always putting other people down and he feels people owe him something. He has many, many good qualities, but the abuse from him is unacceptable. I have allowed him to treat me like this as I do not know how to set boundaries. I will learn at Al-Anon. He is also very verbally and emotionally abusive to his parents. My ex is 45 and his parents are in their early eighties and he lives with them.

    I was told to stay with him is being an abused woman. His mom told me he always knows that I will be back. I have also been told that he is so dysfunctional that he pulls me into that dysfunction. Every relationship he has had has broken up because of a psyco-ex, so he says, but at the same time he told me he can’t handle life and that is why he does the cough syrup. He also told me that he never met anyone like me and I know him better than anyone.

    He is extremely abusive and I will not be going back to him. I have been with him 2.5 years and it’s time for me to get the help I need. I attended my first Al-Anon beginners meeting and will be going back. My heart has so many breaks in it from this man. I need new beginnings and I know that he will never get better. He puts on a show. Oh, he has also called me names in public and has jumped out of my moving vehicle. He is also full of rage, shows no compassion, empathy, has no respect for anyone.

  34. jennie says:

    I’ve been to 4 Al-Anon meetings, but I feel that I have learned so much already. Some of the lessons are hard and humbling, but I feel open and willing to learn what I can and to find tools to become healthy.

    My 1st husband was a dry alchoholic for most of our marriage and we raised two children, and my second husband is an alchoholic, and now sober for 6 months. We are separated, but trying to work things out. Infidelity was part of the issue, so the healing has been very slow. I wish I went to Al-Anon years ago.

    I am a touring musician, and a few weeks ago I was in Holland and when we arrived at the venue we were greeted by a very drunk bar owner. It was 8 in the evening. He could hardly walk straight, could not make change, etc. There were 3 of us who were going to perform and the owner had set the sound system up.

    We walked back outside and decided to not play. We went in and told him that we were not comfortable playing due to him being so drunk. He begged us to stay, but we (with kindness) told him we could not stay. It was a healthy decision. We could have played, but he displayed unacceptable behavior, and it felt good to have control to avoid the situation.

    I think this road I am on to understanding the desease, and accepting my responsibility in it, is going to be crucial to future happiness.

  35. Kris says:

    Setting boundaries where there have been none–or they have been violated–is hard work for me.

    My husband is sober and has been for as long as I`ve known him–but he has been emotionally abusive and I didn`t understand what was happening. I thought if I did “better”, he wouldn`t yell or critisize or give mean comments. Finally, I realized that it would never be possible for me to do “better”, because the rules for “better” were always changing.

    Abusive behavior is unacceptable. I have moved out, but that took a lot of courage and I had to be willing to risk “everything”. It is my experience that it is only when I am WILLING to endure the pain of doing what I know is the right thing, that my life gets better. It hasn`t made the pain any less, but it has made me more willing to do the work.

    Al-Anon has really changed my life for the better. It takes hard work on my side, but it is so worth it. I don`t know if my marriage can be healed/saved, but I do know that I am not willing to be abused just to stay in the marriage. My husband is the love of my life, and setting these boundaries and refusing to accept any kind of abuse is actually a compassionate action to both of us.

    I am forever grateful to Al-Anon!

  36. A L says:

    I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I grew up listening to my dad call me a lot of bad names. Dad disappeared for weeks at a time and left mom with 7 kids to raise and a business to run – by herself. He also slept around ( I’m pretty sure). And Mom just keeps taking him back.

    Now my husband has recently disappeared for two days. Drunk. Couldn’t get hold of him. He spent every bit of money we had on booze, and I have five kids that I couldn’t buy groceries for. I don’t know what he did or who he was with or anything. My brother was there, but won’t tell me what went on. My dad just rubs it in and makes me feel like it is my fault and I am married to a loser.

    I have been physically and mentally assaulted by two sisters-in-law–and my husband watched. Part of the problem is that my husband works with my brother (The one who was there and won’t tell me what happened. His wife is manipulative, angry, abusive, mean.) My kids have been abused by these people too. Boundaries? What are those?

    I told DH that I am leaving if he doesn’t get help, or that he can take his trailer and get out. And I feel that it would be best if I stay away from the rest of my family for holidays and every other reason. We are not safe with any of them. And Mom just puts up with it and sighs – but really, she just buries her head in the sand and doesn’t acknowledge that there’s a problem, so we all suffer–from the oldest kids to the youngest grandchild. There are forty of us who are dealing with alcoholism in some way. Whether just because of Dad or our spouses or siblings–we are all dealing with it, and I QUIT!

    I am so done, but I DO NOT know how to stand firm in this decision to stay gone. Especially with my husband. I love him and do not want us to break up, but I want help. I need help. I WILL NOT raise my kids with the same stuff as I grew up with. And I am DONE being mentally abused by dad and brothers and especially done with their stupid, mean, horrible nasty wives!

    I am SICK of it. Physically sick. And my mother-in-law is dying of breast cancer. And we have NO money, and a lot of other things too (like no water in my house right now, and no heat and. . .) And I am tired of walking around feeling ashamed. Being told it is my fault that I have been abused in so many ways. It is NOT my fault. I DID not do anything wrong! I am so TIRED!!!!!!!

  37. Michelle says:

    After listening to this podcast, I feel validated. My husband was a severe alcoholic (and smoker) who went into recovery about 3.5 years ago. His alcoholism absolutely put our family through the wringer. It is not something I could possibly ever repeat or put our young daughters or family members through ever again.

    It was a real joy (and extremely hard work) to recover individually and as a family. Sadly, I was chagrined to recently find out that my husband has returned to smoking the past few months. Not only had he kept the smoking a secret, but he had also been openly discussing his ‘sponsorship’ of his mother to help her quit smoking during the time that he was actually smoking as well. He behaved so ‘upstanding’ about his supposed ‘sponsorship’ that it came as quite a shock that he had been actively smoking and lying.

    When I caught him, I was not so mad initially, but I became angry after seeing how he had very little desire or intention to discuss or attempt to atone for his actions. His motto has generally been to sweep things under the rug. As if that actually works! While I’m very glad that he has refrained from drinking, I see his return to his lying/smoking/denial habit as a real DANGER sign. Any irritaion on my part about his relapse actions results in his cunning deflection. Then he showers me with overcriticism and infanticizing’ punishment’ from an ‘elevated’, ‘superior’ standpoint.

    He cannot possibly understand how much he has threatened and triggered raw feelings from our harrowing past. I find this deflecting, punishing, denial, lying, addict behavior unacceptable. Maybe if I actually saw him really, truly own and absorb his actions and their affect on others, I could have some solace that we can recover from this, not go further down a freaky road of addiction, and move forward in peace – once again.

    To make matters worse, my brother has brain cancer and my small, and dear family, are going through hard, traumatic times. In the past, when I was ever in need, my husband would really kick-in with his nasty addictions, making matters SO much worse. Here he went again. I suppose he thought I simply wouldn’t find out. Well, I did and I always have. DUH. While it’s only smoking, I know all too well where this can all lead. And No matter the drug, addict behavior is a real pain as well as very destructive for the whole family. I am fed up.

  38. Carol says:

    After listening to the podcasts and reading the comments, I have to ask myself–just what is acceptable behavior? I think that each person has to discover this for him/herself. I have lived with an alcoholic husband for 40 years. I attended an Al-Anon meeting a few times in the past and have just started attending again.

    My husband has been in a rehab facility in the past and has tried to quit on his own numerous times without success. He is starting to have health problems and does want to stop, but I don’t think he wants to do the work it takes.

    I love and and want to support him. I know that I cannot do it for him. In the meantime, I want to do what I can do for myself in order to feel better.

  39. Joe says:

    I really liked the ‘chaos free zone’ comments. I think that hit home for me. I am far away from home and these podcasts are helping…I think!

  40. Heather says:

    I have been in Al-Anon for one year now and it has significantly changed my life. I have had multiple relationships trying to escape the addict(s). I have finally come to terms with myself that I needed to do the changing and not running. So my husband of 2 years is a sober alcoholic not in program, sober drug addict of a few months, and a sex addict without a program.

    When I married him, I never realized the issues underlying this man. I was aware that he was sober, but I never realized the challenge he has to live with such an addictive personality. It constantly presents with unacceptable behaviour that challenges me to set boundaries around. It triggers all the old places of my own trauma and how hard it is for me to hold onto those boundaries in the face of unacceptable behaviour.

    I can be very strong with some behaviour, won’t accept yelling, or hitting of any kind but it is terrifying for me to set boundaries around the frequency of sex. I can maintain boundaries around abusive sex. I was able to hold a boundary of abstinence with the help of a therapist when my husband was caught cheating.

    The issue though is the lying. Addicts lie to keep their fix. If they have used for decades then lying is also improved. I spend more time trying to figure out if he is lying and if I should participate with him. If I find out he had lied, then I feel bad because I didn’t catch on.

    I am trying to stay in the marriage while holding boundaries and at the same time not enable him. If I suspect him then I am letting him hit bottom again, but I need to hold out abstinence again even if I am suspicious which is a whole other issue unto itself.

    Learning to trust God to direct me.

  41. Jill says:

    After living with a “functioning” alcoholic for the past 25 years of marriage, I have finally come to the conclusion that I need more to help myself, and to not continue worrying over my husband.
    I need to quit monitoring his drinking. He truly has no clue to how much it takes him to get a buzz these days. After dealing with his alcoholic father for the past few months after a health issue created by his drinking, I realize that my husband is showing the same symptoms that his father has. Of course, with my big mouth, I had to point out this fact to him, which just makes him drink more.

    He understands and worries about his dad’s drinking problem, but just doesn’t see it as his own. Both of his sisters and his brother-in-law have told him that he is facing the same problem with his own drinking, but he is totally in denial. He feels that it is his “right” to have a few drinks after a long, hard day at work. And he is a hard worker at his job, and also in taking care of our house. Like I said before, he is a “functioning” alcoholic. He doesn’t drink on the job, it’s only after he gets home from work. But, boy, does he make up for it when he gets home.

    I feel that it is my problem as much as his, because I have always covered for him. I make sure that I do all of the driving to any kind of function after he has started drinking for the day. My personal feeling is if he drinks and drives and gets put in jail or is in an accident and it only affected him, he might actually do something about his drinking. But, I could never let him leave our house and drive a car, knowing that others could be hurt or killed by his alcoholic behavior.

    He covers well, because he “only” drinks beer, so I don’t think that he actually thinks of that as alcoholism. He isn’t a stumbling down drunk. Basically he drinks 6-12 beers a day, and then starts slurring his words when he does talk. He then goes to bed. It’s hard to have a real discussion about his alcoholism issue, because he leaves early in the morning for work, and then starts drinking as soon as he gets home.

    I’ve thought about it many times before, but I am now truly considering leaving our 25 year marriage, because I don’t think I can live with this for the rest of my life! After seeing what his father’s drinking has done to cause his health problems, that is affecting all members of the family, I just don’t want to deal with it in my “old age”.

    I also have an addiction, to chocolate. So, when I get frustrated with my husband’s excessive drinking, I turn to chocolate, which is causing me to gain weight again. But that’s another issue. I need to get back to helping myself by exercising more and eating more healthy. I am still a little nervous about going to Al-Anon, but I’m working up the courage to do so. It’s embarassing to have to deal with this with others, but I know that they will understand. Well, obviously from the length of my comment, I need help! Thanks for listening.

  42. Scott says:

    I grew up in an alcoholic home. My father is a very abusive alcoholic and my mother is the classic support system to him. At 35 I am continually dealing with the emotional abuse of my childhood. I am married to a wonderful woman who does not drink and I am alcohol free and have never abused alcohol. The problem is, I view the world like an alcoholic because it is how I was raised.

    My choice is to view the world from a different window–not allow my family members to convince me that my father’s drinking is not that bad. I will not accept bad behavior. My poisonous family will not influence me to enter back into a volatile environment and bring my wife and three small children with me.

    My father is dangerous. He is not just drunk. He is actually a ticking time bomb with the capability of hurting himself or those I love at any moment. What I heard from this pod cast was so important. I am establishing a chaos free zone around myself and wife and children. It is OK to not talk to him, go to his home on the holidays and avoid contact with him. I am not keeping my family separated from everyone I was raised with out of anger. I’m doing it for their safety and peace of mind. My family will not be corrupted by my alcoholic father or anyone else who supports him. When He is sober, we’ll talk. Until then, I’m happier without the chaos. Thank you so much for the pod cast.

  43. Tina says:

    I’ve been “planning” to go to Al-Anon for about 10 years, but for the many excuses, I have never made it. I just listened to the Podcast of “Unacceptable” behavior, and read the comments of others. I can so relate.

    Been with my husband for 9 years (4 years married) and I think I’ve finally hit the point that I’m FRIED. Too much drama, the alcoholism, the addiction, the comments, the embarassing behavior, the rude remarks, the lack of responsibilty, the mania, the depression, the never ending “promise” etc, etc. Nothing changes and 9 years into this relationship, I’m at a loss. Yes, I love him, but like most of us think or say, “When he/she is good, they are great, but when they are using or abusing…”

    I’m afraid if I leave him, he will kill himself or do such irreparable harm that I’ll feel guilty forever.

  44. Kris says:

    I either keep my mouth shut or blow-up. I found out yesterday that my husband paid our car insurance bill so late that it was cancelled–back in mid-March. We had the $$ he just did not pay it and when he new it was late he just put the check in the mail and did not call them to do a phone payment. I about died!

    I did not take care of it–I made him do it. But I did yell–I came home sick from work hoping to sleep and had to deal w/ this. I really feel like this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. In addition he still owes our tax person data for our tax return. We started the process in early March. I am tired of being let down and dealing with this!

    He criticizes me up one side and down for little things–yet he messes up big things. I am praying and trying to use the program but I do not have many examples of constructive ways to deal with his criticism, as well as how to set boundaries and deal with these big things.

  45. Nicole says:

    I thank God for Al-Anon and for the hope of a chaos-free life. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. I recognize the chaos in my life but don’t usually know how to cope with it. Sometimes I leave, sometimes I express the need for a boundary, but I need to work on not nagging and being so negative. I pray for God’s will, and thank you for this podcast.

  46. Karen C says:

    I have witnessed unacceptable behavior from people who abuse alcohol, typically in the form of inappropriate comments, rage or violence, and drunk driving. I have participated in numerous group discussions and learned how to develop boundaries with alcoholics. I refuse to get into a car with a drunk driver, even if it results in the need for a cab or a temporary hotel stay to avoid the situation.

    I leave situations in which an alcoholic or any person consuming too much alcohol, begins to yell, lash out, use fowl language, or outwardly and verbally demonstrate unacceptable behaviors. However, I always find it disturbing and hurtful when I witness such behaviors, or if I am the target of those behaviors. The most difficult thing for me to overcome is the hurt and personalization of someone else’s alcoholic behaviors.

  47. Terri B. says:

    I have 1 1/2 grateful years in Al-Anon. Today while flipping through “Al-Anon Faces Alcoholism 2010,” that I recently picked up at a meeting, I found an advertisement of sorts, for this podcast. Coming here and listening to these discussions has been a blessing from my Higher Power this morning, on a day without a meeting.

    Unacceptable behavior and boundaries are difficult concepts for me. It doesn’t appear that my measuring stick has ever really worked right, having grown up with the multi-generational disease of alcoholism, then passing it forward to my children’s generation by marrying an active alcoholic. I’ve spent my adult life accepting behavior that I shouldn’t have.

    All I know for certain today is that if I keep going to meetings and working my Al-Anon program, applying these principles in all my affairs, each day will bring me closer to sanity and serenity. Today I can “look at my entire life through the lens of gratitude, trusting that everything is unfolding exactly as it should” (‘Hope for Today,’ 349).

  48. Terri says:

    My boyfriend is very functional in daily life. but getting more difficult for me to deal with in social situations. We do drink at home. For me it’s maybe once or twice a week I will have a glass of wine or 2 with or after dinner. For him it is 3 or 4 glasses of wine or mixed drinks or 4+ beers almost every day. He is often confrontational and sarcastic but if I get hurt, upset or disappointed by his actions, he turns it around that I am too sensitive and emotional or just looking for a reason to be mad at him. He is not emotionally supportive for me in my own personal issues. His way of dealing with anything is avoid it and blame me.

    I’m not saying I don’t have too much on occasion, but he does it consistently and in social situations it is way worse. It seems he does it to avoid the situation or in his mind somehow makes it easier to cope. Of course, he doesn’t see this at all. We recently went out to a very nice holiday dinner dance with my friends, which I had been looking forward to for months. I paid $180 for us to go. He doesn’t know these people well and it was my night out, so I wanted to be the one to have a few drinks and depend on him being the designated driver. Instead, he drank excessively, then I couldn’t have any. He was obnoxious toward me in general, then when I asked that he not eat directly off the appetizer serving plate he made comments out loud about “These people aren’t my type of crowd”.

    I occasionally ask him to take me out slow dancing and he won’t. But this night he made a point to want to dance every song and said, “See, you don’t really want to dance, you just want to complain that I won’t take you.” At one point he went to the bar to watch TV, but we didn’t know that, and my friend’s husband went around the block looking for him. When we were finally leaving, he attempted to put my coat on, which I refused and put it on myself. Well, that set him off that he wasn’t good enough and that I was being a bitch so he wouldn’t get in the car to drive home. I went around the block and tried again. He still wouldn’t get in so I finally left him in the street about 15 miles from home. I went home, got my dog and drove another hour to my best friend’s house. He left me a voicemail saying he was sorry and knows he was wrong and needed my help. He didn’t actually remember most of it.

    So this past weekend, he was invited to a guys’ night for the football game with these same men from the dinner party. He didn’t want to go, but I asked him to please go for a bit to get to know them since I am friends with their wives and want to do more socially with them all. He reluctantly agreed so I find out afterward he went there and asked all of them if he was obnoxious at the dinner dance and if he acted the way I said he did. They said no, they thought he just drank too much, no big deal. So he comes home, goes to a different football party with his own friends and drinks for hours. He wasn’t driving, so when I picked him up he starts in on me over and over for a half hour that I was overreacting that night and that he wasn’t obnoxious and how could I have made him feel like such a horrible jerk all this time. Told me he was afraid to go to their football party because maybe I was setting him up to get beat up or confronted by them. That it was mean of me and that I pretty much made him feel bad and sorry this past month for nothing.

    Besides this, he is frequently sarcastic toward my 8 yr old daughter, but says he’s only joking with her. She doesn’t get the jokes and I can often see her getting upset with him. At 8 she is often too sensitive, but I have to differentiate between his sarcasm and her learning to accept when she doesn’t get her way. Either way, she shouldn’t have to deal with his sarcasm. His own two teenage daughters do whatever they want, drink and pot. His 18 yr old lives with her 21 yr old boyfriend. She had moved out of our house at 17 because I was a bitch trying to get respect and maintain some rules in my own house. She was completely disrespectful and left. He still blames me for that.

    We’ve been dating/living together for 5 years in my house. I pay the majority of all the bills. We talk of getting married and I wanted to, but the past few months I have changed my mind. I love him, I’m attracted to him and depend on him at home, but I can’t take this emotional crap. I was adopted, am divorced and have no family besides my daughter only half the time. My friends are busy and not that close by. That is hard during the holidays, but he doesn’t want to hear that I am depressed about it. Says he heard it once and can’t change it, so why do I keep bringing it up. The real issue is he he doesn’t want to hear it because he doesn’t know how or want to be compassionate.

    I feel better just writing this out.

  49. Cathi says:

    My younger son died just over four years ago, leaving behind a daughter and her (unmarried) mom. Writing all the nuances and details of how my granddaughter and her mother (and my son, while he was alive) have lived (and continue to live) with us for 7 1/2 years out of the last 10 years would take too long; suffice it to say that this has been a long-term arrangement.

    My granddaughter’s mother has a significant drinking problem, which has led to many arguments and blow-ups. She’s been brought home by the police several times and has lost her license due to a DUI. We live next door to two alcoholics (and their various children according to visitation schedules), and she frequently visits there. Last Thursday, she took our 10-year-old granddaughter over there at about 5:00. At 8:20, our granddaughter called and said she’d be spending the night because mom had “fallen asleep.” We said no, and my husband went next door and picked her up and brought her home to bed. At about midnight, our pseudo-daughter-in-law came stumbling home, making quite a racket. She was upstairs in bed, about to fall asleep when I heard her dog barking outside (it was about 9 degrees F). She had forgotten to bring the little 12-pound thing in. The dog would have frozen to death. Needless to say, we were/are furious because she abandoned both her child and her dog in the same night. She lives rent-free with us, and though she works, she doesn’t make that much money. We struggle to find the right balance: if we push too hard, she threatens to leave. The last time she did that, she went to live with a coke addict for 1 1/2 years in a borderline neighborhood.

    Our primary aim is the safety of our granddaughter. We live in a good neighborhood where she can walk and ride her bike and go to a decent school. We wonder how to keep her safe and still enforce codes of behavior. Her mom insists she is not an alcoholic. She may not be, but her drinking has caused/is causing monumental problems with us all, with her child, and between my husband and myself.

  50. Eve says:

    Several hours after posting my first comment here, my husband and I got a 2:30 phone call that his cousin had died in a car accident while driving drunk. Between the shock of the news and the hurt I was feeling from the loss of our family member, there was an anger inside of me that I attribute to alcohol. Alcohol is destroying my marriage and now taking the lives of the ones I love. I thought this was a wake-up call for my husband–He vowed he would not drink again–but synonymous with alcoholics, he started making excuses to drink and has been wasted on several occasions since.

    My only peace comes from the fact that he’s currently travelling with friends out of state and my daughter is safe. My New Year’s resolution- accept people for who they are, love them regardless, but love myself more. Just because I accept his disease, his addiction, it does not mean I am willing to live with it, or continue to subject my daughter to a life that is harmful to her well-being. I love my husband dearly, but I need to start living for me–and my daughter.

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