How do you feel about family secrets?
Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This podcast will discuss a professional’s concern for families who have been affected by a loved one’s drinking.
Colleen Hillock is with us today. Colleen is Coordinator and faculty member in the Bachelor of Health Science and Addiction Counseling Program at Medicine Hat College in Medicine Hat, Alberta, Canada.
10 Comments on “How do you feel about family secrets?”
This question means one thing. Do you like to hide the big white elephant? Are the family problems everyone else’s problems? But the actual elephant is on the living room floor. The big elephant.
Family secrets help operate the addiction and each member plays a role. If the secret is no longer a secret then healing can begin for the spouse, friend, child, and the person who is affected by this secret. Denial is on both parts if the enabler and the addict are keeping secrets about the addiction. Secrets, in general, break down the intimacy and trust in a family
The truth will set you free. Al-Anon has been so liberating. The ability to express ourselves without fear of reprisal does so much to build confidence. I can’t say enough about how much better I feel since coming to Al-Anon. It is truly a wonderful program. I intend to be there when anyone else reaches out for help.
I have been in Al-Anon a long time and family secrets are still being uncovered. I’m not looking for them, but they crop up from time to time. I knew when I started Al-Anon that I had uncovered my biological family’s secret. I just didn’t know who the alcoholics were.
Two years ago, my brother gave me a box of old family pictures. I asked him why there weren’t any pictures of our grandfather’s father. My brother said, “You won’t find any pictures of him. He was an alcoholic and a womanizer.” I never knew that before, but it was a defining moment for me.
Suddenly I understood why my grandfather was so angry at my father at the time of my parents’ divorce, when I was 8 years old. My father’s alcoholic behavior and personalty, and his treatment of my mother, brother, and me, recreated my grandfather’s childhood. Even though my parents remarried each other five years later, my grandfather never spoke to or saw my father again. I never heard him say a negative word about my father until my grandfather was on his deathbed. He cursed my father and warned me never to trust my father.
I haven’t liked my family secrets, because they are painful. But I am grateful to Al-Anon because I can come to terms of acceptance and process them through the principles of our program. I had to talk to my first cousins about my family and found out a lot–about more alcoholics and other types of addictions. When I was about 15, I was told that a cousin won an award for having the best service and sales in his grocery chain stores in his state. Thirty years later, I found out that the grocery stores were liquor stores.
It hurt me a lot to find out that family members lied to me. But, thanks to Al-Anon, I am able to let it go. It happened in the past and I am not letting the secrets cloud my present. In a way, I’m free to live my life because I think I know most of my family’s secrets.
I have only been in Al-Anon now for almost eight months. The secrets that I have uncovered and the things I have found out about myself are amazing. I wish that I would’ve discovered this release years ago. However, now that I am aware of some things and learning more every day, I have to keep reminding myself of all our slogans.
I think good communication is the best way to break secrets. I’ve learned this in Al-Anon, because healthy communication involves honesty, trust, emotional closeness, and many other positive human qualities.
I found out that my family had terrible communication problems, and therefore secrets were part of our family for decades. For instance, this year my father died because of lung cancer. After this loss, I heard my father was born in Chiapas, México. Since I was a kid, I was told he was born in Acapulco, Guerrero. This kind of secret was kept hidden and “nurtured” with shame, embarrassment and guilt for decades.
Now, thanks to Al-Anon, I´m convinced there are no more hidden secrets.
I will be thinking about family secrets more, now.
Thank you
I have never been to a meeting or gotten any kind of help, but as I read so many stories it helps me in knowing that my girls and I are not alone. My husband still doesn’t believe he has a problem, even though many of his relatives have sat him down to speak about his problem. I really hope that this will be the fist step for me to finally take control of our lives and not be scared or ashamed to get help for our family. Thank you.
My family had a history of alcoholism, and hiding. We lied at all times, to cover up. I grew up knowing I was the only one on whom I could depend. My Human Development class brought it all back. The lies, the fear, everything. It will never happen in my family again! I broke the cycle. I never married. How could I put a child through that? My hope is to simply get on with my life. I have friends, people in my church, and others who are a good resource.
Some secrets were revealed to me a few years ago. I found out I have a half-brother living in the states.
My mother was a rager all my life, so she probably had issues trusting my dad. I married an alcoholic, and then came very similar issues that I did not trust him because of affairs he has had. Now I see the pattern and the dysfunction. I have been told that even though I have come from dysfunction that does not mean I have to choose it today.
My son is addicted to crack cocaine and I go to Al-Anon meetings. There I meet people with similar situations. I listen to their experience, strength, and hope. The program teaches me about loss of life that’s a reality for me and to focus on my life one day at a time with God as my parent.
This is my first visit to this site and already feel better. I have picked my first place for going to an Al-Anon meeting. My family has just learned a secret about a very close family friend who is an alcoholic. This of course is not the only secret. My family will need to find the emotional courage to not communicate to our friend until we get the guidance needed thru this program. I do realize this will take time and effort on our part. My daughter will also be joining me along with my husband. My daughter is so very upset and wants answers. The lies are just so draining. Thank you for this program and my wish to all is happiness in our families with the love and hope for wonderful relationships.