One Day at a Time in Al-Anon
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Welcome to “First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery” from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Lorraine, Art, and Eileen are with us today. All are active Al-Anon members who are willing to talk with us about one of the basic principles of the Al-Anon program.
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It’s New Year’s Eve. My alcoholic husband, whom I have been married to for 14 years, is at a meeting. He had 8 yrs of sobriety and then relapsed this past year. He had affairs, ran up debt, had to go to treatment, lied, cheated, risked his life, my life, tried to get himself arrested–and the war stories could go on and on.
The main feeling I have tonight is total disappointment. I really love the Conference Approved Literature book, “Transforming Our Losses,” which deals specifically with loss and grief. This CAL has helped me process the grief that comes from living with an alcoholic–the loss of the dream.
Tonight on New Years Eve, I want to look ahead and know that I create my own dream, and not my alcoholic. I can’t find that in him.
Al-Anon has been very helpful these last three almost four months after my husband’s arrest for domestic violence. He hasn’t progressed much from that day. Still in denial about it all. I have struggled daily with finding my place and realizing I am in control of myself and my home.
I really have never had control over him. He has been the one who has taken the drinks and gotten drunk, no one else. His decisions are his own.
I am learning more about detachment and how to work that in my life to help with the anxiety. I am learning about my triggers and how it affects me and how to lessen them with the detachment techniques. Yet, I still get sucked into the drama without even realizing it.
His re-activeness toward anything needed to be discussed. I have learned in Al-Anon, that this is a defense type mechanism used to disable me and propel me away so he never has to talk about anything important. I can’t see ever going back to that life of drama we were living, and Al-Anon is helping me find new paths.
I have been living with an alcoholic for 6 years now. Last year in December he decided he needed help. Great, I thought my life was going to be great now… I was wrong.
The first month was so wonderful. He was so sorry about the past. We were so in love for that month.
I have been hurt so many times in that 6 years. I can’t even tell you how many times I was going to leave, but I did love him. I still do, but I can’t live with him because I don’t understand him. I am having a very hard time letting go of the past, which is affecting us every day. My problem is that I didn’t do anything wrong, so why do I need to go to meetings and will they really help me to get better?
I guess you could say I am mad at him for all of this, and now for me to get healthy I must take time out of my day to go to meetings for something he did. Will we ever be able to have the life we want? I don’t want to lose him, but I don’t know what to do to save us.
Al-Anon groups and the slogans have helped me so much to understand the devastating family disease of alcoholism. Nov 17, 1999, I threw my sleeping bag in my car and drove for my life.
It has been a challenging decade. I constantly say the Serenity Prayer, and “Let Go and Let God” often.
My children have gone to meetings. However, my ex has his own program. So I shall pray for this
as we are all going to be at my grandaughter’s christening tomorrow.
Al-Anon helps us get through one day at a time, so it’s an appropriately coined phrase. When we are struggling with another person’s drinking and alcoholic behaviors, it can become exhausting and chaotic. Sometimes it is difficult to think beyond the time frame of a day. It can become overwhelming and debilitating to try to find solutions beyond a day, so Al-Anon advises people to live life one day at a time and make decisions limited to that day. It helps us to focus and remain calm in a chaotic atmosphere.
I’ve been attending meetings for a few months, and am using the program to deal with the sense of loss over my wife choosing to move away. She says she’d reconcile if I were a happier more optimistic person and that’s why I started going to meetings. Just like some of us who first came to learn how to control someone’s drinking, I came to control the outcome of my marriage. I soon learned that most things aren’t in my control (her), and I needed to work on myself for myself. You see, I grew up in an alcoholic home and at 51 still exhibit the effects of alcoholism-inability to trust, numbness, confused feelings, anger, and loneliness. I think I need to keep coming back for the rest of my life, and it’s a pleasure, not a job.
Right now I’m living one minute at a time, but it’ll get better. Thanks.
I am, sadly, 62 years old. I should feel at this time of life that I have a partner with whom I can share life, conversation, and interests. I have loved my husband for 32 years of marriage, but have wondered at times, why sometimes I feel like I hate him. The stories above, especially the ones about the partners who get everything done, who make the world go round so to speak, echo my experience.
I have become so tired of getting it all done. I have nothing left over after I come home from work. I am exhausted. I will go to an Al-Anon meeting, because if anything can help me, I’ll go for it. Basically, if I could pinpoint exactly what the problem is, (alcoholism), maybe I could get the perspective I need to actually reconstruct my life, which looks very bleak and boring at this time.
My children all love their dad and he is a good and loving, if somewhat irresponsible, father. I don’t think I could ever leave him for their sake. But I do think I have to begin being honest with myself and finding someplace where I can be honest with others. God help me!
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. He has been 7 years sober. I did not know about Al-Anon or where I could find help. It is only recently after researching the topic on the internet, I realized that spouses are also victims of this disease and that we are powerless to all the chaos. I wish I knew this earlier as I have been struggling to control my marriage, to regain what we once had.
During the 7 years of sobriety my husband has had two affairs, which he stopped once I found out about them. We tried marriage counselling for a few months, but he lost interest in this. Now he has turned his attention to his work, and is a workaholic.
I realize now I must surrender my powerlessness to my higher power, and I am learning to accept the things I cannot change (the alcoholic) and change the things I can (myself).
Let go and let God.
My husband is an alcoholic and he is with his parents at this time. He is there since his last episode was horrible. He ended up in the hospital for alcohol over-dose and was on life support. I love him dearly and I know that he has been sober for over 60 days now. There are times when I talk to him and he will be having a “Dry Drunk” and it is hard to deal with. I need to know how to deal with these issues before he comes home.
Like Diane, my son struggles with alcohol and drug addiction. His dad is also an alcoholic. he did not choose recovery, and I am currently divorced from him. I say sometimes in my meetings that I can divorce my husband but cannot divorce my son. My son has been in and out of recovery several times, but I do not give up on my child. I keep going to meetings because I know miracles do happen when we give our problems to God.
My son has lost everything. He used to come home and have different clothes on because he would sell his new clothes for drugs. This is an obsesssion of the mind. He would seem okay one minute, then it’s like when he would leave the house his brain would get hijacked and then it was all about the drugs. My son lost his apt., sold all his furniture, and was left with nothing again. I know I enabled him and now I am learning a new response to his demands. “I love you, but I cannot” usually works. He is now 5 months clean and going to meetings and has a sponsor. I am learning to keep the focus on me and learning a new life of recovery for me. It seems that when my son sees me living a healthy life he chooses the same.
I have learned a lot from his disease and still continue to. I was at our provincial assembly and was very moved by an Alateen speaker there, only 15. It brought me back to my life when I was married 38 years ago. Although I do not live in the same province as my husband, I still am reminded every day through my son’s addiction. It seems like yesterday. God Bless, and keep coming back.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 19 yrs now, and have continued to stay for financial reasons and for our 2 kids (or so I kept telling myself that). I started reading some Al-Anon literature about 10 yrs ago and it talks about detaching yourself from the alcoholic and living your own life, so that’s what me and my boys started doing. We stopped lying to family and friends when he would never come to family functions, my sons’ ball games, etc. Over the years I have let the verbal abuse affect the person I used to be. I know deep down that he doesn’t mean all the bad things he says, alcoholism is a disease, but it is hard to not take things personally.
This is not the life I thought I would be living, or for my children either. So I recently decided enough was enough, told him I wanted a divorce, we have been trying to sell the house (he decided to quit his job therefore less money coming in to pay bills) before it goes into foreclosure, while still living together. Then he decided to check himself into a 21 day rehab program. He has major depression, social and anxiety disorders that they prescribed medicine for. He has completed that successfully and has been attending his meetings regularly.
I’m angry, hurt, confused, after all this time of wanting him to be sober, he waits until I am no longer in love with him. The kids are ready to move on too. They are tired of all the lies and promises not kept, and embarassment of him around their friends. He is finally sober and I have no idea who he is, I’ve never seen him this way, so quiet, not verbally abusive and angry all the time. He is still suffering with depression, (I think having a job again would help) but he is in no hurry to try and get one. As long as I continue to take care of him, like I feel I have been having to do all these years, why should he get a job and help contribute?
I care about him and want him to be happy and be a part of our sons’ lives, but I want my happiness too. Me and the boys have attended a few Al-Anon/Al-Ateen meetings. At first I thought we aren’t the ones with the problem, he is, why should we have to go to meetings to learn to live with an alcoholic. I don’t want to be with him anymore, so I’m hoping by continuing to go to meetings it will help us all.
I am just going to attend my first Al-Anon meeting this week. My son became addicted to drugs and alcohol when he went away to college 4 years ago. 18 1/2 months ago he sought help, went into rehab, and became sober. He was active in AA, got a great sponsor, but never quite thrived in life. He struggled to look for work, got involved in a few bad relationships, had some bad luck with a fall and breaking bones that cost him his job. 2 weeks ago, he started drinking again. He is happy drinking, and has no desire to stop.
I am devastated that he would put himself and us through this again. I worry constantly when he is out. We took the car away for fear of him driving drunk and hurting himself or others. He just got a new job and I am so worried he will mess up and lose that. I don’t know how not to worry so much. I hate to see him fall to the level he was before rehab, passing out in the street, blacking out all the time. He assures us he won’t get there, but I know eventually he will if he continues drinking.
As a parent, I don’t know how I get through watching my son do this. I think about asking him to leave our home, but I know I would worry 24 hours a day then! I am hoping Al-Anon will help me figure out how to survive this.
I am a grateful member of Al-Anon for the past 9 years. I am what they call a double-winner. Married 2 times to a controlling man and an anger addict, I sought help through any and all self-help programs available. I thought if I could understand these behaviors I would be ok.
Learning about codependency helped a lot. I spent a fortune on counseling for myself and my 2 children. After each divorce I would get healthy, spiritually fit, and my life would look good again. Then I relapsed and married an alcoholic! It shocked me and after much chaos and pain it was suggested I attend Al-Anon.
I am a travel nurse, so I found a meeting out of town for anonymity. This has been the single best thing I have done for myself and my family! I attended for several years and learned I could be happy if the alcoholic drank or not. Five years into the marriage our family had become very unhealthy and we separated, moved, and divorced. It was then that my husband sought recovery from his alcoholism, drug use, and gambling. A journey of family recovery started with his decision. I believe that alcoholism and addiction is a family disease, impacting everyone in the family structure.
We spent the next years going to meetings, camp-outs, round-ups, and as many AA and 12 step functions as possible. In that proces we learned that our 13-year-old daughter was drinking and doing drugs. We sent her on a wilderness trek program and her journey of recovery began also. I learned I drank alcoholicly and benefit from AA meetings as well as Al-Anon. After 1 year of sobriety we remarried and were very active in our church and recovery family. With 5 years of sobriety I would love to say life is great. It is so much better than I dreamed being sober and working an Al-Anon program. The gift of serenity and peace is priceless.
Thanks to the tools I’ve learned in these recovery rooms, I was able to recognize the signs of addiction again in my husband as his gambling habits once again surfaced. This took us back to divorce and while I am very sad, I am also completely confident and secure in my ability to care for myself around these crippling addictions. I don’t tell my husband’s story unless it impacts mine, but I will make a note–don’t put a period where God puts a comma! We are still communicationg and he is finding his way to his own recovery as he battles new news of kidney cancer.
We all can only live one day at a time. For me and my house, we serve the lord and faithfully attend Al-Anon meetings. Having a great sponsor has helped greatly. I strongly reccomend finding someone in the program you can trust and share with. I can get pretty crazy in my mind on any given day and I benefit from talking to someone who understands. May you enjoy a happy road to recovery. God Bless.
I have not been in the program for long, but beginning with the slogans has helped me a lot. I’m under construction and my recovery is “One day at a time.”
Meetings have helped me realize a lot!!!! And I am so grateful for having them in my life!!
I recently met a man through an online dating site and we talked a few times on the phone before meeting. I knew he was sober for the last 12 months and so I decided to meet him. He is not only a recovering alcoholic, but also a recovering drug addict. When we met, I really liked him and thought he was nervous and the date was awkward. We did go out again, but what I did not know, was that he was so nervous to meet me sober he relapsed and began drinking before our very first date. He is in detox right now and heading to a halfway house to stay clean and sober for the next two weeks so that he can return to his sober living apartment. We talk every day and want to continue to see each other, but I’ve made it clear that he needs to focus on himself and his recovery first. I want to see him again, but I do feel somewhat responsible for his two week relapse. I have been reading everything and anything about alcoholism and his drug addiction. I understand the concept of taking things one day at a time, and I want to be supportive and helpful to him, but I do not know how to do that successfully. I am looking into whatever meetings I can attend.
This was my first Al-Anon anything! I’ve been “going to go to a meeting” for a long time. But “things” always came up, got in the way, were more important. Tonight, as I listened, I heard my story, my feelings, my life playing. Thank you for having this pod cast! I AM attending a meeting this week. I’m rearranging my schedule tonight! I know this will help me!
My husband just left for rehab on Friday. He is a long way away and I miss him terribly. I have suffered the loss of my mother in March, my older brother was in December, and my favorite aunt, whom my brother lived with, just one month prior to his passing. I was a caretaker for my mother and after all the deaths, I suffered a breakdown. I am still trying to recover from that and my husband comes home and springs rehab on me. I am very happy that he has decided to relearn how to live life clean and sober.
I have come to realize that I don’t fully understand the “addictive” personality. When he abused, I felt he was making the choice to abuse and will deal with the consequences of his behavior when he gets “caught”. That is where I need help. I need to understand how it is an addiction and not a choice.
I have 2 children and a friend has suggested Al-Anon. I have never gone, but I am starting to realize that we could all probably get some benefits from attending some meetings. I am still in the research stages. Not sure how to convince my older teen who is 19 to go either. My younger one will go with me even if she thinks she is just supporting me. Hopefully, this will get me started on understanding so when my husband does return home, I will know how to deal with the new person he will be.
Thank you for having this podcast available. I really appreciated hearing about the one day at a time concept. I am a stay at home mother of a 9 mo old, in a rural town without a local Al-Anon meeting. There are meetings 15-20 miles away, but I cannot always run into town. In fact it has not happened yet. I felt like a meeting today, and this podcast will help me with that today. I would like to get into a meeting in town in the future, either in the daytime, or in the evening. Al-Anon has been a solid resource for me in the past and I would like to continue it, even with the lack of meetings available to me nearby.
I love my husband, but my marriage is lonely. I came to Al-Anon 2 years ago and it saved my marriage. It taught me to focus on myself and be happy no matter what my husband is or isn’t doing. However, now I am at a point in life where I want more. I want my marriage to move forward and start a family. My husband tells me he wants the same thing, but he seems to contradict that with his actions. Today he is smoking pot on our porch and then tries to deny to my face that he still smokes. Does he not see how destructive that is to him and the trust between us? Somehow I feel that it would be irresponsible to bring a child into a situation where there are active addiction problems. I am going to pray for guidance and try to remember not to take it personally and to take everything one day at a time.
I have been married to a recovering alcoholic/addict for 21 years. He has 23 years sobriety, and is now at the age of 55 suffering from all of the health problems due to his drinking and drugging. I am struggling with staying out of self pity, rage, resentment, etc. I have 25 years in Al-Anon myself, but right now it feels like I don’t have any.
We are now a one-income family, as he had to quit working. It has been one health issue, in and out of the hospital, for the last year. We will have to start paying for health insurance in September, and I am trying to see to it that our daughter goes to the college that she has been accepted at. It seems like a mountain in front of me. I pray to remember and use the tools I have learned in the past 25 years.
I am new here, just starting researching on AA and Al-Anon. I married an alcoholic 7 years ago, but didn’t realize that he is until the last several years. I love him so much. We have separated 3 times and I don’t want to do that again! Well, let me admit, I love the man he is when he doesn’t over drink. I, like HP, want that man and marriage back! He is little by little seeing he has a problem, but not fully there yet–still in a little bit of denial, but not as much as the 3 times I left him. I would love for him to start going to AA, but don’t want to force it–but know I need someting for myself.
I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic. We enjoyed 13 years of sobriety and that ended 7 months ago. He is now in rehab. I find comfort in knowing where he is and that he is safe, but I am very worried about what will happen when he comes home. I am not sure how dedicated to recovery he really is. I know that I cannot control him. Believe me, I tried. I saw what was happening from a mile away. He did not. All I know right now is that I want my old life back. My old husband back. My old marriage back. I am not sure how to do it.
When I hear one day at a time the first thing that comes to mind is our daily reader the ODAT. The page on July 14th changed my life–for me, it was like a map to return me to sanity. Living one day at a time seemed impossible for me. There was so much to worry about! Ha, I wasted a lot of time waiting for my past to change. Today after many yrs in this program I live one day at a time. In fact, I find it difficult to make plans for future holidays.
I have learned to get the most out of each day and not worry about tomorrow. I love our “Just for Today” booklet, where it says that today I will adjust myself to what comes and not try and change anything–Just for today I will accept what is.
Early in sobriety my husband was very ill and I was afraid he was going to die, so one more time I found myself obsessing over things I could not change. When a friend called and I shared with her my concerns, she said, “Don’t miss the good days worrying about tomorrow.” I never forgot that simple statement and I never miss a good day.
Al-Anon is a program of love. The home I was raised in by my father, who had no alcoholism and my mother who grew up in a home of the disease. My father’s way of life permeated. My Mother, although she had her problems, assimiliated to a way of life she had not known–to the best of her ability. Her brother, sober since early 1960, entered AA. My parents supported him by going to AA dances, etc. I recall reading the ODAT when I was in my elementary years. Not because it was shoved down my throat–because I wanted to. God bless them.
When I married in 1990, it was for love, at least at my end. My husband, whom I suspected came from an alcoholic family, ended up exibiting the disease during our marriage. It was very sad. However, honouring love and stopping the cycle, I had to make the best decision, however hard, for the sake of the children. His family helped so much with the children to help me keep it all going. However, I knew in my heart that I was helping him with his disease, which was very entrenched in his family on both sides.
This is 8 years after our separation and divorce and I can tell you that Al-Anon has been my guiding light. I knew what I had to do. With the help of my Al-Anon friends, the love and hope of the program gave me the strength that I needed. My children are healthy and happy. They were scarred in our marriage and also suffered many physical elements, such as chronic respiratory infections and ear infections. Even though I started Al-Anon early in our marriage, my ex-husband didn’t start and stay in recovery until well into our separation. It has been hard being alone through all these years. However, God presents us with a partner when we are ready.
Try a meeting and keep going until you find one that speaks to you. Healing is upon us. We can live in a way that promotes peace.
Keep coming back. It works if YOU work it!!!
I am going to begin going to a meeting this week. I went a few times several years ago and didn’t “get it.” After reading a lot of these podcasts, I realized that I was approaching it in the wrong way. I thought the twelve steps, etc. were for the addict themselves. After seeing others’ interpretations of it in their own lives, as victims of an addict, I see that it can work for me. One day at a time………….
Al-Anon saved my life 45 years ago. I finally got well enough, at the
age of 62 to realize that I really didn’t have a marriage. I have had
two loving marriages since that time, the last one to the love of my
life. I have been given a wonderful life since I left my alcoholic. I have
never stopped going to meetings, because “you can’t keep it if you
don’t give it away.” I don’t drive but I do go to daytime meetings on
the bus. I am trying to find on line meetings or some way of sharing
on line.