Our lives became unmanageable
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Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members how they came to realize that their lives had become unmanageable.
8 comments
Thanks so much for sharing. My life has become unmanageable and I’m pretty sure you who read this will understand.
I started mixing drinks for my dad at age 9. I remember a time when my dad went to work on a Wednesday and came home on Saturday, throwing money up in the air because he had just come home from a bout of bingeing in Vegas.
I remember being in the car in the middle of the night in my PJs while my mom drove by his favorite bars trying to track him down.
Recently I stood in ICU at my sister’s bedside, crying, hoping and praying that she would live.
Now, over the age of 40, my health is suffering from a lifetime of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I feel like I can’t do this anymore.
But after reading your shares and giving my life over to my higher power, I have hope for today.
I am so glad you all have found this website. I know for me, I cannot get to Al-Anon meetings, but having this forum is very helpful. With 15 years or more of my husband drinking heavily, and now with him dry for 2, one would think all would be well. It isn’t. I still have so much anger for the life that has been wasted and I sometimes think I have PTSD that is triggered by everyday things around our house.
I wonder and I hope that one day I will be able to put this behind me (us) and we can truly be happy again.
I miss being happy.
I think I am as sick as he is. Maybe more because I let him treat me so badly. Something must be missing in me.
I have had enough. I have been married to an alcoholic for 7 years. Tonight I finally called the police on him. I saw the fear and pain in my little boy’s face as he watched Dad–big, strong Dad–curled up on the floor in a closet cursing and yelling. He watched as my husband threatened to throw our computer across the room (I physically had to pull if out of his hands and I’m half his size), throw a glass at a window, and break whatever was in his path. This is somewhat mild compared to many episodes we’ve had when he was drunk.
It’s different now; I have a 3-month-old daughter and my 9-year-old is fed up to the point where he is begging me to leave him. I feel so terrible that I haven’t. I can’t believe I let my son witness this man who is supposed to love and protect him be reduced to a violent, slurring, disgusting person. We feel like we don’t know him anymore.
Let’s put it this way, every little thing anyone says or does to offend him–even the slightest bit–warrants an emotional breakdown and binge. It could be me, a co-worker, a stranger, or a relative. ANYTHING will set him off, and he doesn’t stop. He doesn’t pass out. The more drinks he has, the more energy he has. He will drink 30 beers and demand more. He will leave on foot and call me throughout the night, threatening to jump off bridges and run into oncoming traffic. He tortures me, and there’s nothing I can do.
I’m pretty sure I have some issues of my own. I haven’t ever talked to anyone else about this. I keep it a secret and deal with it completely on my own. I have cut off my family and I’m afraid to make friends. It’s getting so difficult to hide now. My life revolves around not making my husband angry. But, no matter what, I do.
I’m so scared he will kill himself and I feel like there has to be something I can do to prevent it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t believe in god so prayer isn’t an option. Only some kind of action will keep everyone safe–but what? I have to face this now, but it’s so complicated. I feel responsible although I know I’m not. The cops dropped him off at a hotel for the night, but I’m worried sick. I’m only at peace when he’s in jail or in a hospital; he can’t be on his own.
I wish he was here next to me. Sober and sleeping. I never took the beauty of that peace for granted.
The stories are heart-breaking. It is hard to let others solve their own problems and to find happiness when our loved ones are suffering from the results of addictions. We cannot solve someone else’s problem, but we don’t need to be a victim or a rescuer either.
With the help of my Higher Power, I am learning to choose happiness for today. Worrying about someone I love and what might happen, and trying to solve it by going over and over the problem in my mind, doesn’t solve the problem. My problem in the situation is obsessing about it and feeling sad and overwhelmed by what is happening, and trying to find a solution that is beyond my abilities. I have to ask myself, “Is this really my problem or responsibility?”
I am learning to take care of my own needs. This may seem like I don’t care, but that is farthest from the truth. Giving others the dignity to solve their own problems sets me free to work on myself and to learn to be gentle with myself. I encourage you to find an Al-Anon family group.
My husband of 12 years has been an alcoholic/addict since the age of 15. He is now 43. He’s been through tons of rehabs, in and out of prison and today is in another rehab.
It’s been a major struggle, physically and mentally. I am so tired of my life being unmanageable. He’s cheated on me with other women and just for money for his next high, has seduced other men. Unfortunately, I loved him to the point of using with him, just so I would not lose him.
I am fortunate enough to have a strong spirit and never allowed drugs or alcohol to control my life. When I noticed I was running the streets with him and not caring about my kids, I knew it was time to put my foot down. It had to end. That is when the adultry began, or at least when I began to discover it. Could be he cheated on me from day one, but just hid it well.
Now I am struggling to differentiate what my heart wants me to do as opposed to what my mind is telling me to do. When I am with him sexually, all I can do is think about all the times he’s cheated. Then if we are apart, I feel like I’m falling apart and like I don’t want to live life without him. I’m so totally confused.
He says I am really cold and emotionless while I am with him. He feels no affection from me. At one time, all I did was kiss and caress him and love him and hold and hug him. Now, I feel like ice around him. I guess because I feel like I am still being used for his convenience and once he has completed his court ordered rehab program, he’s back out on the streets with the booze, alcohol, and women. Who knows, if even men.
After 12 years of a marriage full of lies and deceit, I attended my first Al-Anon meeting last week. It was great to talk and cry and be told, “We’ve been there. You’re in the right place. Keep coming.” He only says in a fume of rage, I’m crazy and then leaves. Thank you, Al-Anon for being my support when I had no one else to run to.
My moment came when my partner took my car and received a DUI. It took me a week to get my car back because we were broke until I got paid.
He is on disability. So there I was, grieving the death of my beloved dog, which coincided with the death anniversary of my gramdmother. He was in jail, and I was completely alone to deal with it all. As I sat tryng to come up with another miracle to pull him out, I had the thought–what next? I believe my higher power told me almost out loud–he is going to kill you or someone else.
He had been in rehab a few years earlier and I had attended one family night when they mentioned the Al-Anon program. So after four months, I went to my first meeting this past week.
My heart is broken. I think of my son who is probably in jail right now and I want to hide from this pain. He made it through college and has a nice temporary job, but if he gets a DUI, there goes his opportunities.
He gets lonely and then goes to socialize with the locals at the bar, and then the more he drinks the more opinionated he gets, until everyone hates him.
He was going to come home and is working on getting a new job, but this is his second incident in a month, in which he ended up in the hospital and now with a $5K bill. My husband is on vacation a few hours away and is probably overly stressed and in agony.
Our life has just turned upside down. My son is an alcoholic, walked into another condo on vacation while drunk, did not know where he was. Now has to go to court for burglary, which I know he did not do.
I am such a mess, can’t sleep, eat, and all I can do is feel sorry for him. I know he is good, he is a good son to us. How can we all cope? My husband has been my rock on all this, but I know he is hurting too.