What do you think about anger?
Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery from Al-Anon Family Groups. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.
Today we have with us a young woman who is a wife, a mother, a school teacher, and a member of Al-Anon Family Groups. She has agreed to talk with us about anger.
48 Comments on “What do you think about anger?”
Thank-you for this type format–I am new to Al-Anon–went to first in-person local meeting last Monday and to these podcasts Tuesday & today. People like me are not as comfortable meeting in groups, this media encourages me to go back and continue with my local small group (Mon & Wed nights). Finding these pod casts have helped me…being able to listen to others experiences & hear I’m not so different. I am not an alcoholic but I have my own set of problems, that can hinder my alcoholic spouse’s sobriety. I am beginning to believe I can change and can aid my spouse, instead of adding to their stress. Al-Anon gives me resources to help me change, encouragement and the knowledge that others have gone before and overcome my same issues. Thank-you, again. And yes…God is my #1. I struggle with “letting go” and “anxiety.”
Many Al-Anons live in remote areas and rely heavily in the internet for Al-Anon contact.
Podcasts are a great idea.
An electronic literature download facility would also be a great idea. Postal costs from USA are very high.
Anger to me is usually about control. Feeling controlled by others or trying to control others with it (anger)and failing miserably! I’ve been going to meetings for a while but I still have a problem with anger in certain areas in my life. I’m much better at letting it go with people outside of my immediate family and am much better at not taking it personally or trying to fix it. In my immediate family I find it much harder to admit my powerlessness over them and my feelings. I know my life feels unmanageable but I still think it’s my job to control others and defend myself from others anger. I feel overwhelmed by this job yet feel I’d be totally squished by others if I didn’t do it. I’m grateful for this podcast! I wasn’t able to make it to my meeting this week due to the weather and this is an excellent topic.
Anger - gave me a false feeling of power (control) over the alcoholic, a feeling that I could frighten him into behaving. It did not work. It gave me a temporary release of built up frustration but only to return worse each time. I thought if I did not show that I was angry, it was like I was agreeing with the alcoholic. I let others actions make me angry, a wrong choice. I also let the anger build up until it exploded, another wrong choice. I am now more often able to chose not to react. The anger does not help any situation and specifically, does not help me. Thank you for explaining how you learned to let go of anger.
Thank you for sharing.
Working the steps with a sponsee has helped me to inventory my experiences in life to date. Al-Anon has helped me to recognize my part in my life. My emotions are a barometer of my reactions to circumstances.
With the steps and meetings I have listened to others experience strength and hope. I have found even today with this sharing confirmed that “someone else’s feelings are not mine and there is nothing I can do about their feelings”. I still find myself trying to take “control” of circumstances especially around the holidays.
During the holidays we are usually taken out of our regular routine and are able to experience unusual events. With these events we are able to find our buried emotions, and then from this we are able to use our tools of the program such as Prayers and meditation, and working and reworking the steps.
I am grateful for adverse experiences as they are exercises for my life and my tools. I agree with the person that shared that physical exercise is another way to release emotions that are pent up. I am fortunate to have a workout facility within 1/2 mile of my home, and I use it at least 5 to 6 days a week. Our hormones build up on us as well, for both male and female, and “moving about” can be a benefit for our emotions.
In my household, anger is on the side of the alcoholic. The alcoholic in my life has a new drug of choice…called anger. He lives off of it and has settled for geographical cures, instead of working his program, and admitting that he is powerless over his intense rage. I am new to Al-Anon and find this the hardest thing to Let Go and Let God…I have had to file for divorce..again…to protect my home and belongings.
Admitting powerlessness over the actions of the alcholoic in my life is the hardest thing I have worked on. I feel as if I go 3 steps forward…and three steps back..always finding myself working on step one..all over again.
I listen to this podcast over and over to reassure myself that I am not the bad guy…the disease is…and that no matter what I do…I DO NOT have controll over the choices the alcoholic in my life makes. God cares, but cannot move through a hardened heart.
Thanks for letting me share.
I enjoy listening and reading this forum because I am the alcoholic, in recovery by the grace of God. My husband and I are divorcing. He refused any help, found Al-Anon not his “thing.” What I like about reading the commentary is that at last I can see what he must have been thinking and why he did what he did, when I drank.
He will not talk, will not share, has always been very silent, secretive, and controlling. Drove me crazy, because I’m an extrovert. In the beginning, I thought of myself as a “kook” and of him as the sort of straight arrow, solid dependable type. Opposites who were attracted. That is all true…but my alcoholism magnified both our flaws and destroyed the relationship. How I wish he would join me on the path to recovery but he sees no need, it is all my problem…
It seems that so much of “recovery” is letting God have his way. My sister is the active alcoholic in my life and I feel heartless as I told her and her husband that they would both lose if they put their little boy in the midddle of the recovery process. Rehab and separation seem so painful but losing a child is so much more painful. My daughter was killed in a car crash just before her high school graduation. I used alcohol and prescription drugs to numb me out, so I am not in any position to judge anyone.
I can say that people need to count their blessings and move forward in recovery. If I could go back now I would not have had that Chardonay the night before my daughter was killed. I might have had “more power”, I might have been more in control, I might have been on top of my game. I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting but I am going when I find one.
I felt bad that I was mean to my sister who desperately needs rehab. I told her that no one can make her stop drinking but her. She desperately wants love from her husband and her husband wants to control her. After getting a court order to make her go into rehab, her husband took her car keys and her computer away. I called rehab centers today, went to numerous web sites and finally came to Al-Anon. I suggested my brother-in-law do the same thing for the sake of their precious little boy.
None of us are perfect, we all need a saviour, and for that I pray that I will get to church and receive communion tomorrow. It is daylight savings time so I have to plan ahead and make sure that I make it. Prayer really does work and God really will meet us where we are. Thank you for this site and God bless those who are lonely and suffering.
I have found that the anger I feel is supressed until it makes me ill, either physically, or else depressed (mentally ill). The tools of Al-Anon have helped me to become aware of my feelings of anger, acknowledge them honestly, and act rather than react, by talking it over with my sponsor or by calling another Al-Anon member to “run this by you”. Usually all I need to do is talk it out to find a solution. Praying–talking out with my Higher Power–and reading the conference approved literature we are so privileged to have at our fingertips–are the best tools of all, and I learned them in Al-Anon. The people in my home group offer to share their experience, strength, and hope, and I in turn learn to listen and apply this wisdom in my own life One Day At A Time–and I get to experience joy, freedom, and serenity in areas of my life that have been chaotic and unmanageable before Al-Anon.
Thank you for this format–I get to at least 3 meetings a week just to try to stay balanced, and this helps me with the rest of the days! I really like this format–Thanks again!
When I feel angry, it is usually the result of feeling victimized in some way and striking back feels like my only possible response–the only way I can defend myself. I’ve been going to Al-Anon for several years, and have progressed so that when I feel victimized I often remember to stop and check in with my HP. When I do, the results are amazing. My HP always gives me other, more creative ways to understand the situation and shows me that striking out in anger is not appropriate.
But I don’t always remember and often say and do things I later realize were experienced by the other person as cruel. One effect of my mistakes in this area is that I am beginning to develop compassion for my parents, two alcoholics, now dead, who frightened me throughout my childhood with their anger and punishments.
Love this site. I have three children and am very busy, so cannot always get to meetings.
My husband and I met in AA. I have 13 yrs of sobriety and still attend AA but my husband told me a few weeks ago that he had been drinking on the side, staying late at work (he would drink at lunch and then stay late to have the smell wear off) and business trips (he would stay an extra day or two to drink and recover), so I am very mad. He says he is going to stay sober this time but who knows.
I am going to start attending Al-Anon meetings once a week and get my house in order. I was mad this morning because once again everything was my fault. He does not work with a sponsor and seems to go to a meeting once a week just to keep me off his back. I am learning the hard way that I cannot change him.
I am in the scary part of trying to see if we are going to make it. Sometimes I think it would be easier if we parted ways. I could stay if he would work a program but he just does not seem to need it or want it bad enough and is grouchy all the time. It drives me nuts that I am the only one who knows how sick he is but I am not allowed to tell him that he is affecting us or the kids when he gets grouchy or angry. I will keep coming back till I find the answers.
Hello,
I am new to this. I am very ANGRY. I met a man last fall and he wined me and dined me and convinced me that he loved me and he moved into my house on January 1, 2009. By the 1st of February I was suspicious about his drinking and questioned myself a few times about him getting drunk on his days off. He sips during the work week and really sips on his days off. It has made me very angry because we discussed my life with my alcoholic father before he moved in. I told him I would never be able to tolerate living with an alcoholic. Tonight I asked him to find somewhere else to live. I came home, he was drunk again. I cannot handle the pain. I lost my husband of 30 years on January 7, 2004. I lived through so much pain after he died and can just not handle any more. I feel guilty for not having the strength to help this man.
I finally did it. I attended an Al-Anon meeting for the first time and left feeling a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. Over the past two weeks I found myself with increasing anger and anxiety related to how my life has suddenly been turned upside down, not being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
The first person I met at the meeting told me to hate the disease, not the person. Being able to put that thought into my head and repeat it to myself is a help. I hadn’t heard of “Let Go and Let God” before, but heard it many times during the meeting. The person I am dealing with is my ex-husband. We have three children together. I thought I was all set in life, was separate from any of his doings. I never thought that he would go to the extreme he did of drinking and drugging his way into not only losing everything of his, but dragging my home and financial safety along with him.
We had set things up for him to continue to pay the mortgage on my home as part of child support. He not only stopped paying the mortgage, but charged up an equity line to the limit and stopped paying on that also. He has left me in a financial mess, never mind being the sole caregiver to our three children. All of this just unfolded over the past few months and I have found myself torn between helping and hating.
I have no choice but to help him for my children’s sake, but knowing he has caused the source of all negativity in my life right now makes it a huge challenge. I will continue to attend Al-Anon meetings to help pull me through this. I finally got to the point over the past few weeks of knowing I can’t possibly do it on my own. It was hard, but I am glad I made that first step and I am grateful for having Al-Anon available.
I find that I experience two kinds of anger - anger about my alcoholic husband’s irrational choices, even though he has been exposed to all the necessary tools for recovery but doesn”t use them, and then anger at myself for living in this insanity. I am trying to practice “Let go and let God” along with taking responsbility for myself and my feelings. At least right now, the antidote to anger for me is to realize that I have choices - nobody is forcing me to live with this. The bigger problem right now is fear, fear to make those choices.
I am also angry that I am alone and find little time to attend my first meeting. I know it will be the best thing for me to do. My husband is an alcoholic and I think I grew up with parents who might have been. I started to become one too, until I realized how bad it made me feel and then I went to a 30-day treatment home for post traumatic stress.
Now that I am home and have more skills, the evidence of my husband’s rage and spite and anger towards me has reached a point of no return. Several nights ago he grabbed me hard, shook me, and then threw me to the floor. Luckily I did not have any breaks–except my heart. I have bruises and shame and now disgust for a man I have been married to for 22 years this June. Our daughter has suffered enough. It is time for me to get out.
I will ask God to help me and rid me of the anger and sadness I am bound to feel going forward, but I know he needs the help I can’t give him–only he can decide not to drink or abuse. I can’t let the anger get the better of me and I will simply detach. I have a group that I can talk to and I will go this Friday, even though I don’t think I can make it. They will be there for me, for all our “friends” have abandoned us, we are too miserable to be around. Thank you for letting me be truthful here.
I, too, was married to an alcoholic for 12 years and after his eleven re-hab visits, various arrests, mostly because I called the police, I gave up and asked my higher power for help.
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I had been admitted to a mental facility for 48 hrs because I had taken an overdose and had come very close to death. When I realized I had lived , I was angry with God for not taking me! It then occured to me that maybe he had another plan for me ! When I truly had reached my bottom , there he was!…..may I say waiting for me! I had try to make deals with him before……..”if you get him to stop drinking!!….. .I will do anyhting you want me to!….if only it was that easy!
I started going to meetings and gradually,very gradually the light came on!
I am now divorced from the alcoholic and am so happy! I still have to work every day on myself……something I was not used to. In fact at the beginning I did not know what to do for myself because for so long my concentration was on him………I lost myself in his addiction. Today, I have compassion for all addicts, but keep my distance! I now understand it’s his choice to drink and has nothing to do with me……..I mind my OWN business!!
I really hope this helps somebody……….their IS light at the end of the tunnel and it’s you!!
[When I use the word God….whatever your higher power is!}
God Bless
Jennifer
Here I sit, lonely and depresssed. I live with a husband who has not had a drink for 22 years but is not what I consider “sober.”
Just moved and started back to Al-Anon. Need to get my life back on track. It is too short to be in this constant emotional pain.
I find I get angry far too often and it has gotten worse over the past 4 years with my alcoholic. I am very new to Al-Anon, never was involved with an alcoholic before her. I love her dearly. She is finally back in AA and is 8 months sober, praise God. But it seems now all our past fights are still coming up, fights we had while she was drunk.
I am the one who is now out of control and I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone now that she no longer needs me. She now has AA. She is now doing all the things I had been begging her to do the past 4 years. I should be happy, right? Instead I am suspicious, jealous, and angry. She now has friends that I am not allowed to meet, is out doing things I am not allowed to join in on. I hate this feeling of being shut out and it only makes me hold tighter.
I see I am destroying us faster than her drinking ever did. And I don’t know how to stop. She is now in her 4th Step and is saying things like she is not sure about us, or if she wants to be with me anymore. But she wants to keep trying.
I feel that the only reason we ever got together was because she was drinking, and now that she is on her way to sobriety, she no longer loves or needs me. I am just so upset at all of this, at what alcohol has cost both of us and will continue to cost us. I feel so useless, like a wimp, so emasculated by all of this. Where I was once a strong, loving, gentle guy, I have become this fearful, angry worrywart. I just want to live in the light again, to be happy, to know that the one I love, loves me.
Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth all of this, even if she does become sober for good. Will this ever end? Or will I constantly be fearful of her relapsing or moving on to a more sane man, leaving me the husk of a man I once was. I just hate this feeling.
Dear Daniel,
Get yourself into as many meetings as you can!
They say you can tell an alcoholic family by the spouse’s behavior. I can so relate to how you feel about her going to all these meetings and you feel left out. I solved that problem by going to lots of Al-Anon Family Groups. After 3 yrs of him relapsing, I left to save myself. He went to detox 2 days later and just got his 30-day chip.
We are currently separated, but during one of his many forays into “sobriety” he would go to meetings and talk on the phone constantly to his “buddies,” and was no more available to me than when he was drinking!
We may reconcile someday in the future, but right now we are busy getting our own lives in order.
Good luck to U
And GOD BLESS!
Donna
Here I sit, one year into going to Al-Anon and still seem so mixed up. I guess I didn’t realize I had all this anger, since I too like to control each situation. What a blow to know that there is nothing I can do to convince him to stop drinking. It feels like he doesn’t want me and I am so lonesome.
I am learning to depend on myself for my own feelings and trying not to rely on how others make me feel. It’s such a lonely road. I can’t wait to get to the other side. I am so sad right now and confused. The meetings though are extremely helpful. Tonight I had to focus on Al-Anon material rather than what he is doing and how it hurts. The disease is extremely painful and the effects of living with an alcoholic are difficult to come to terms with. Bless us all, and God be with each of us as we journey to new places.
Today for the 1st time I listened to the anger podcast. I have been going to one meeting a week since my husband entered into a treatement program four weeks ago. These meetings have really helped me with my anger with my spouse. However, I felt another type of anger today which this podcast helped me deal with.
Today I went to visit my husband, and I finally have our three children on the path to understanding part of this disease. But then I encounter another part of the problem–the sickness of the codependent family members. My mother-in-law was the child of an alcoholic and she married another person who has the problem. Today I saw the anger and family issues within his family that he grew up with surface.
The fact that I grew up in a household without this disease makes it harder for me to understand why they cannot separate their own issues from his. But because of my program I was able to step back from their situation, and so was my husdand, and continue our visit. It allowed both of us to see that we want a better enviroment for our children.
I’m currently in a program called Spiritual Recovery at my church. I’m learning great things about working on myself and not being an enabler any longer, but just wish I knew what was a basic character flaw and what was part of the alcoholism.
My husband and I have been together for 22 years. We have four daughters, and thus far, thank God, I think they’re OK for the most part. Thanks be to God and to our church family and programs. As for him, he won’t stop drinking, won’t get his own job. He works for my business and performs at a real sub par level until I come down on him. He has a college degree that we are heavily in debt over, and he refused to ever use it.
I’m virtually working all the time, and still behind. I have no life and can’t find the time to spend with my kids, exercise, work in the yard, nothing. It’s always trying to keep up with the business.
He watches me work myself into the ground, yet claims he’s the ‘busiest guy he knows’. He’s not, but that’s his ego’s way of survival. I’ve been training him to do my business for 5 years now and he’s still failing to learn most of the basics. The immaturity, sense of entitlement, lack of leadership, lack of responsibility and accountability. I’m done. He doesn’t seem to care for me at all, but rather treats me as his meal ticket. He’s refusing to get help and trying once again to ‘control his drinking’ (ya, right!) on his own. He’s so convincing when he tries, but sadly it only lasts a short while. I’ve heard it hundreds of times before, and finally getting off this cycle of denial with him.
It’s like the Groundhog Day movie, over and over and over. I feel terrible as I’m having to force the issue here. Get help or get out. To discontinue enabling, I must fire him as he’s really, really not cut out to work in our business.
Angry much? Uh, ya. You bet I am. And is this behavior, manipulation, immaturity, etc. all a product of the alcoholic disease? Is some of it simply poor character? Wish I knew. Only God could change him, and he won’t let Him in.
I am still trying to figure out that same question. I didn’t know until an adult that my grandfather (who died of alcohism) was actually an alcoholic. My dad is a dry alcoholic. My sister is a practicing alcoholic and my other sister is in denial. I grew up with the anger and the outburst and the “I’m right” and “You’re just stupid” attitude. Then I married a drug addict. I am now divorced and am in a wonderful relationship. He goes to AA and suggested A-Anon for me. I was never so happy to be in a room full of people who felt just like me. I’m not different or weird; I just have lived with this disease all of my life.
Thank you, Jennifer, and everyone who chooses to share feelings on this very difficult issue.
Jennifer, you really hit home base with me. I grew up with an alcoholic father and both grandfathers. But I could never understand why it was my mother who was the abusive parent.
I’m very close to my father. He was the caring parent. I never saw him take a drink, never even smelled it on him. To me, it was my mother who was the problem. It wasn’t till I read your comment that I finally understood my mother’s anger.
I grew up angry all the time and didn’t have a clue why. I began to drink (a LOT) all through my teens and well into my 40’s. And as you said, ” I was sick and tired of being sick and tired.”
I stopped drinking on my own, left my alcoholic partner, learning to live and let live by the will of God. And I will be going to my first Al-Anon meeting.
Thank you, again.
You are all in my prayers.
I am so thankful I had the chance to read the feelings each one of you expressed.
I am angry with my addicted sister, denying brother, and mainly myself for allowing this to happen to my family. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired! She has manipulated, lied, stolen, and used her looks to acquire drugs. She married an alcoholic and has been divorced for over 10 years, but she has continued devastating her life, our dad’s, and brother’s lives.
She had a child eight years ago, which God gave her to save her life. I believe those nine months have been the only “drug free” times in her life. How do I know? She lived in rehab all nine months.
Now, after eight long years of this abuse, she and her son are living with my family and me. To create normalcy for her son was the only reason I invited her to live with us. My family has tried to create a truly consistent way of life for him for the past eight years. She has manipulated me, others, and especially our dad. All this time I was blaming him for her addictive behavior, but not anymore.
Our brother is in denial. As long as he doesn’t see or talk with her, then he doesn’t have to deal with her. She has used her son as leverage–my dad wouldn’t allow his grandson to go without. She knows that and used this so cunningly! Now Dad has detatched himself from her, thank goodness, and is living out what life he has left.
Well, here I am, rearranging my home, schedule, and life just to accommodate her. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. She will not take over our lives. My answer to her will be, “NO.” She must do this on her own. God will lead me. We walk by faith and not by sight!!! It’s time to put on the sleepshades, grab the walking cane, and hit the road, walking!!! I will attend an Al-Anon meeting this weekend. She will find her way, but only with the sole help of God Almighty.
How can anyone say that they cannot control someone and their anger? She stated right up front that she always did this as a child and an adult. “I am not responsible for someone else and their anger” is a cop out. You can prod, poke, cajole, etc. to make sure someone gets and stays angry. Is she at fault because her dad was a drunk–no. But did she (or I) ever try to use dad’s drinking to get my own way–sure. I am thankful for this format so I can explore the subject.
I, too, grew up in the fantasy that I could manipulate / change / control my mother’s moods and prevent her from being angry, make her happy. Then I could be happy and relaxed at home. I then began to believe that it was my duty and responsibility.
This whole line of erroneous thinking formed an insane way to live. As a teen and so far removed from my own feelings, I continued to react to others. I grew more and more fearful, which made me more and more removed. I think that is why I have so few memories of my childhood.
Yes, I learned to masterfully manipulate, though I am not sure it would work on ANYONE - just others in the throes of the disease, probably. But one thing is for sure. I might “make” my husband mad by something I say, and I am learning that it is on him how long he stays angry. I can learn what might hurt him, how to change my approach and other things, but I am OK. I can let it go and learn to love us both.
I am new to all this. I have not been to an Al-Anon meeting yet, but my life is so miserable. I am so angry all the time. I think I am living with an alcoholic.
I feel such guilt and then I get angry that my spouse has put us in this situation. He has put us in danger as well as himself with his drinking and painkiller abuse. After he made threats to his family, I had him picked up and he is in a lockdown facility. I feel like such a witch. He hates me and feels we all hate him. I feel so bad he is all alone and goes from being so angry at me to crying so hard it breaks my heart. Now he won’t let them even give me a call to see how he is doing.
I hope he does not die from withdrawals off a very strong drug he was given by his doctors, but the facility won’t give him anything, since they don’t do pain management.
I had some experience with alcoholism at a distance when I was a kid. Had a grandfather I saw twice. Both times Dad had picked him up off the highway, stumbling drunk. An old shell of a man is the way he sits in my childhood memory. He raped his own daughter well before I was born. I later found out from the victim who was my aunt that I went and lived with as a teen in California.
I’m 34, smart, good looking, got a lot of things going for myself as a computer programmer. But this year, lol, I took this journey with a high school friend that I became involved with one night out of the blue at a bar.
She is the most gorgeous thing you’ve ever seen. High ambition and a ton of fun. She comes from privilege. Her folks make a mil a year and her sister two. I make 36 but that’s with three zeroes instead of four or five, lol. I fell hard for this woman and asked her to marry me very quickly. We spent five months together on and off, weekends and late nights, drinking. Talking about old times when we were young and around each other. It all seemed so perfect.
Then things started to get flakey. By the end, just about every promise, statement, or dream we made ended up being a big fat lie. From best friends to enemies, in a snap. She left for some other poor guy. I am very new to this disease and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to keep from killing her if I was with her again. I feel for her but she told me she wasn’t ready to quit yet. Right before she really worked me over.
I want to help her as my friend but she says she has moved on. I don’t know what I should do. I have the chance to get out, but no one else may love her the way I do and want to stand by her. I wonder how much of my love is due to the destruction of my self-esteem that this disease causes. Maybe I should give up and move on.
It’s been 3.5 months since I’ve seen her and I still think about her every day and wonder if she’s okay. I know she’s out there doing all kinds of messed up stuff. It hurts me to think she will stay this way. I know there’s not much I can do to persuade her. I tried over and over again.
I have been reluctant to go to Al-Anon meetings because “I am not the one with the problem, so why should I have to work a program?” I still feel that way and this is part of my anger. My husband has now been sober for a little over two years, which is a good thing. And, bless his heart, he really is trying to make big changes in his life and I respect him for that. He is a good man. That is why I stuck with him through the first 25 years of drinking.
I just feel so angry - I feel anger that I had to deal with the drinking sessions and ugly consequences for the first 25 years, and now I feel as though I continue to be punished because now I am not “allowed” to enjoy a simple glass of wine myself. Punishment then, and punishment now. I drink very moderately - a couple of glasses of wine a week, but now I feel like I am the “alcoholic,” as I have to sneak them. He disapproves and the simple act of sneaking them takes away the enjoyment.
It is causing so much anger inside of me and I do not know what to do about it. I am not an angry person by nature, but this has really been building up inside of me over the past two years. I don’t know if writing this down will help.
As I sit here and type tonight, I am so angry. I, too, have never been to an Al-Anon meeting, but my supposedly recovering husband thinks I need to go. He had quit drinking all on his own for two years and then our son was born. The last two years of my life have been total and utter hell. That is the best way I can describe it. Instead of him taking responsibility like a man, all he did was run and start drinking again–heavily.
Most days he does not remember. Most days he put our child in danger, even though I did not know it. Denial is a wicked thing! He finally about three months ago got very violent with me and was arrested after violating a no-contact order and for crawling under our house and wrapping himself in plastic. Yes, he is crazy! At that point, I was scared he may get out and kill me, so I left–packed up my own and my son’s things and traveled 2,000 miles to be back with my parents.
He spent three weeks in jail, got out, and swore he would never drink again. He said he would do whatever it takes to “win” me back and prove himself. Instead, all he has done is drink every day since he got out, until about five weeks ago when he went into inpatient treatment. He got out and came and visited me and my son. Things were ok while he was here, but he has now gone back to the town where we were living. I no longer get calls, except when he wants to talk. He doesn’t have time to talk most times because he is busy hanging out with his alcoholic friend and his friend’s family, because he now is homeless and lives with them.
I just found out my father is terminally ill and am hurting so bad from that, and you would think a husband would be there to offer support–no such luck. He keeps doing very stupid things. I know I won’t ever be able to make his choices for him, but dang, I would hope one day that he would at least make one good decision.
I feel so lost and hurt and don’t want to feel like it is always me who has the problem. I know it is a disease but everyone has a CHOICE! When you get out of bed each and every morning, from that point everyone makes a choice. These people are just like my husband. They have no regard for human life and just suck at making choices, if you ask me. Maybe a meeting would help me, maybe not. I am willing to try. I just think, as always, I am in this boat alone–at least as far as he and I go.
I went to Al-Anon years ago and got some very useful information. However, I still have a lot of anger issues and may have to go back. This time my anger is towards my sister who is an alcoholic. She is so impulsive. She quit her job of 25 years because she was depreseed over the death of our nephew who overdosed.
She is drinking again, and I’m angry because everyone’s out of a job and she quits (Plus, they suspected she may have been drinking, but she could have taken a leave of absence). I feel she’s going to use the death of her nephew to “drain” the family members even more. (Now she has no paycheck and is drawing on her savings.)
Today she’s announced she’s going to a rehabilitation program in Florida, so we family members have to care for her dog. We’re afraid she will only stay two or three weeks tops and return only to start drinking again with the holdays coming up. We asked her just to try a local rehab center first, so it doesn’t drain her insurance. We felt she might be able to work it out because she’s only been drinking on and off for a week, but she blew up at us with rage. I don’t know if I made a mistake by asking her this. So I’m mad at her and mad at myself. I was doing good but it all of a sudden got to me. I’m drained!!
I think anger is a human emotion, and there’s no problem just feeling it. What I found out about my problem with anger was that in my family environment and childhood there was no healthy communication that showed me how to talk about how I felt. No one mentioned that there was a “family rule” that stated it was wrong to say that you were angry about anything or anyone. Therefore, I grew up with a very acute, distorted sense of what anger was.
It was here in Al-Anon that I understood it was ok to feel my feelings, any feeling. It is great to talk about them, and that it was horrible and sad to grow up psychologicaly conditioned to always say that I was fine, and so on. Feeling anger is ok because I am human. Talking with my sponsor about this feeling is also healthy and very important to my mind and heart.
I want to share an experience about this: Years ago my sister, her little son, and her daughter visited my mother. I was also there and I started talking with my niece and nephew. I asked them how they were doing, and their answers overwhelmed me. It was also a kind of regression, because they answered, -almost like robots- that they were fine, at school everything was going very well, and they showed the same kind of polite, litany conditioning. Well, I told them - being as natural and easy going as I could. I recall almost like playing a game, that it was possible and right to talk about anything that they didn´t like, and their attitude changed almost with some kind of emotional thirst. I remember my niece quickly telling me she accidentally fell from a chair at home and she was upset because it was painfull.
So, feeling anger and talking about it is fine, very human and healthy. Horrible things can happen in my mind, heart, and body when I don’t talk about my feelings.
When I wrote about horrible things that could happen in my mind, heart, and body, I meant if I don’t talk about my feelings my body, brain, and system will talk. Muscle pain, stomach pain, eye pain, insomnia, eating disorders, lymphatic cancer, neuralgia, etc. All of this is what my body translated to me - just begging me to talk about my feelings.
He says he’s been “sober” for 16 days. That counts the 4 days in the hospital under Ativan. My house is in foreclosure, he is all arrogant about being “fixed,” and I’m just angry. I do love him - but I don’t know what he’s like when he’s sober. I need someone to focus on ME! All his IOP therapy is about him and I’m just mad, mad, mad.
I just asked my husband of 9 years to leave today. He didn’t even put up a fight. This was after a drunken bout last night where he, once again, verbally abused me. He “promised” after the LAST time he did this that it would not happen again. I had told him at that time that it was his last chance. I felt like I had to carry through with making him pack his bags and leave today or it would be like the boy who cried wolf if I didn’t.
He’s a binge drinker, and since he doesn’t get drunk “every day” or even every week, he thinks he doesn’t have a problem. My heart is hurting so badly on top of being angry. One part of me wants to go find him and make sure he’s ok, as I’m worried that he’ll do something stupid since he’s in a hotel room, probably passed out at this point. I am contacting a local meeting place tomorrow and going to my first meeting.
We’ve both been unemployed for 6+ months and are both depressed and angry over job situations. We have been living with my 20-year-old son for the past 2 months until something came thru on a job. Why do feel like I’ve got to make sure he’s OK and hasn’t either killed himself or someone by driving drunk? Why is it so hard to let go?
This has been an ongoing fight for the entire 9 years we’ve been married. I’ve asked him repeatedly to just stay away from me when he’s drunk, as I think he’s so ignorant when he tries to speak to me while drinking. I totally lose respect for him. I wish that I hated him so this would all be easier. But sometimes I DO hate him when he’s drunk. I just don’t know what I should be feeling or what to do. I’m angry and hurt and sad.
I have lived with alcoholics all of my life. My father was a violent, abusive alcoholic who beat me and my mother. I married into a family of alcoholics in my early 20’s and divorced 15 years later, after being repeatedly threatened and abused by them. I am now married to my highschool sweetheart, who has turned out to be an alcoholic as well.
I vowed to never marry another alcoholic or allow them to manipulate and control my life. Now I am saddened that what I tried so hard to stay away from is now back in my life daily. I love my husband beyond measure; he is smart, handsome and can be the sweetest man on earth, but has rages from the alcohol that can flare at any second of the day over any small thing. He has a serious habit of blaming me for everything that he doesn’t agree with, that has moved, that he can’t find, whatever. He loves to criticize and tear me down, and my family down.
The anger I feel towards him when he unleashes his anger on me consumes me. I try hard to keep my own anger suppressed, because I know it isn’t healthy or helping the situation. He pushes and pushes me. He wants me to talk to him and listen to him, but his idea of talking is controlling the conversation and lecturing me for hours. If I try to speak during his lectures or make a comment, he will tell me to shut the “F- Up” or, “You are not listening to me; look at me when I am talking to you,” or, “You don’t care about me or my feelings.”
I try to love him regardless of what he says or does to me. I try to remain calm and in control of my feelings, but sometimes I can’t. I do not want to leave my husband or go through another divorce. We are both Christians and I believe in the ultimate healing of God, but I know that healing will not come until my husband admits that he has a serious drinking problem.
I have been through Al-Anon as a child and young adult. I know what I must do most of the time. Today after reading these, I realize that he is trying to get me to react to his anger and emotions.
My spouse has been sober for about 1 year. I, too, feel like “I am not the one with the problem. He is.” I also would like to have a glass of wine when we go out to dinner, etc. But I do not. He also looks down on it. Everyone has the allergy! I get tired of hearing that. Recently I told him no, not everyone has the allergy, you do. Sometimes I think I will go ahead and order a glass of wine, but I would feel guilty–which I should not.
I do not go overboard. One or two glasses of wine a couple times a month, or whatever. But my how my life has had to change just because he cannot control his drinking. Even when a recipe calls for 1/2 cup of wine, I use something else.
Again, I am not looking for answers, but I wish I could resolve some of my anger and resentment towards him and his new-found sober friends. I get tired of hearing about what wonderful people they are. Most of them are on marriage # 2 , 3, or 4. I sometimes wonder if that will happen to us when he is ready for the 13th step, which I recently heard about. Some of the women that attend these meetings are probably waiting for Mr. Wonderful–blah, blah, blah.
I do not want to go back to his drinking, but not sure what the answer is here. I have been to a couple of Al-Anon meetings and they did not do much for me. Why should I have to do the Steps? Maybe I have not been to the right meeting yet. Nor do I really want to attend them. What this all comes down to is, do you stay with this person or move on? After 30 years I really don’t think I want to move on, but sometimes I am just not sure.
I feel like I’ve given up so much of my life to HIS disease. Why should I have to spend more time on it? I liken it to when my four kids were little and he would come home after spending 30 minutes in the car by himself and then need “down time” before dealing with the kids. I’d have given my right arm at that point for 20 minutes alone in the car. My soon to be ex has had YEARS of treatment, time, resources etc. to deal with his issues. Me, I’ve had to keep all the balls going. NO time, treatment, or resources. He’s sober and “thrilled” with his new life, free of all responsibility for past wrongs or future debts. It’s all about him, as it always has been, 24/7. “God” is guiding him to give his time and resources to others. Great, not his kids or his soon to be ex-wife, but all his new sober house soul mates. So glad he has that 3 extra hours in his day to meditate instead of work now. Me, I feel like I missed the poster advertising the “get of out jail free” card he seems to have found. I think it must involve drinking koolaid at some point.
I grew up in an alcoholic family where my father was the active alcoholic. I ended up marrying a man who was just like my mother, i.e., an enabler. It has been very hard to leave my past behind. I am now divorced for seven years after my husband left me abruptly for another woman after twenty years of marriage. Without going into massive detail, I deal with what feels like almost “constant anger.”
I wake up angry, have nightmares, which only seemed to let up a bit since I found my sponsor and I started regularly using my CES (cranial electronic stimulation). I still have sleepless nights (like tonight), but they are farther and farther in between. This is my first time writing on the website and I am really glad it is here for everyone. I want to start dating again, but I am afraid sometimes that if I move forward too soon, I will end up with an alcoholic this time, instead of an enabler like the first time.
I am thankful to God for a second chance with my mother, my loving daughter, and having food and a roof over my head. Now if I can just tame that little anger beast : ) Let Go and Let God, as we say!!!
My partner is a “dry-drunk” who put down the drink some 20 years ago, but still battles the disease in his behaviors, actions, choices and relationships.
The greatest example of his disease is his raging, violent, abusive anger.
He is manic in how much rage he carries. Sometimes he is able to keep the cork in the bottle and then again, when the slightest pressures or kinks in his life happen, he becomes explosive–and it opens very familiar and destructive patterns in how I choose to deal with him.
2009 was a terrible year for me and my partner. So many things happened that were and still are BEYOND our CONTROL and they left us both feeling so helpless and hopeless.
I lost my job in April and for 8 months. My job, my career, is very important to me. In many ways this obsession with my career led to the destruction of my relationship.
In April my partner opted to go out on disability, due to an injury he sustained which kept him from being able to do the work he once had.
The 8 months of captivity in each other’s stuff was a toxic environment.
It brought a lot of other resentments and blame we had about each other to the surface.
It also fanned the fire of my partner’s rage, a rage and anger that existed even when there wasn’t a reason to be so angry.
My disease is co-dependency, the want to fix him, to take on his burdens, to tolerate and accept his abuse, to make it go away.
He would cut me off–shout me down–and I would accept it all, more than I could bear, just to create peace, but the peace never lasted.
Now we are facing the dissolution of our 12-year relationship, selling our home in the worst market, up-rooting our lives, disrupting our animals.
I feel like we are fleeing the insanity, instead of curing it.
Despite all the rage, the fear, the resentment, I do not hate my partner.
My heart breaks to see him in so much pain.
My heart breaks to see how I am in so much pain.
There was, there are still so many good reasons why we were together.
I just don’t know what happened to all those things that held us in balance for what seems such a long long time ago.
I am dealing with anger right now because I have to live this way because of my alcoholic’s choices. I realize that we all have choices, but my partner has made choices that will dictate my grim future and leaves me feeling very angry. I am not usually angry but am very mad and scared about my future because of his choices and I have no say in this.
I know we all have choices and I made a very bad choice to pick this man to be with. Alcohol is selfish and cruel and at 55 yrs of age I have no home, no place to cook my kids Easter meal. I am embarrassed that I made such a poor choice and my kids have to do without and have a sick mom to boot.
Why are we so blind to see the ill effects of what an alcoholic can do to your life? I am not playing the blame game as I made a mistake by getting involved with this man, but am so angry what he has done to our lives. Thanks for allowing this to get out of me.
Husband of 23 years is now having to deal with the results of his drinking. He has destroyed his liver and developed diabetes. He was told years ago to stop drinking because of liver damage, but he didn’t. Last December he almost died. I begged the hosp to put him into a rehab. While he was there he crashed and ended up in the hosp. again. Because of the damage done by his drinking, I have to work every day and I cannot be around to make sure he takes his meds, eats right, etc.
Why can’t he do that for himself? His sisters live in Calif. They were worried he would die so they decided to take care of him. Now all I hear is how well he is doing. I tried so hard to help him and now they are sure he will be ok. I love him but I do not want him to come home because I don’t trust him and don’t have the time to take care of him. They act like I’m being selfish. I’m 65 years old and can’t be angry anymore. We had a good life and his drinking destroyed it. Now I’m trying to pick up the pieces. He can’t work because he is sick. I have to work because if I don’t we will lose the house.
Al-Anon is helping me deal with some of my anger, but I can’t get past the resentment I feel when his sisters say I need to give him a chance. We have been down this road before, but he says this time he has quit for good. Now he is asking me to watch him die . I can’t do that and take care of myself. I pray every day for strength to keep on keeping on, but some days I just sit and cry.
I too am angry. I didn’t realize I married an alcoholic, and the alcohol didn’t surface until things started to get hard with us in life. I was pregnant with our second child who was only 15 mths younger than our first. My husband drank in the basement and I was put on bedrest so wasn’t very aware of it. Since then, it’s been on and off for over four years. We lost our house, our cars, jobs, money, and now, I asked him to move out two months ago.
I am raising our four children, all under the age of 4, alone. He is not in AA that I am aware of, but is now “spiritually” enlightened and doesn’t need to drink. I feel very unsafe with him and untrusting. I’ve pushed anger around so much inside of me, it doesn’t have a proper place anymore. Sometimes it explodes out; sometimes it hides.
Thankfully, I am in Al-Anon, and I love it. I love walking into a room and being enveloped with the understanding and compassion of others. Reading everyone’s posts here is heart-breaking. It is amazing how much pain we have all been through, and most of it kept secret. Not anymore for me.
Thank you for letting me share.
Tonight I went and found my boyfriend at the bar. As I was begging him to let me drive him home, deputies showed up. One of them recognized us. He had come to our home last year because of my post partum depression. I’m embarrassed. I’m ashamed. I’m angry. For over five years I have loved a man who is is not capable of loving anything but a bottle. We have a beautiful daughter and I don’t know how I’m going to tell her I wasn’t strong enough to keep her family intact. He is laying here, passed out, snoring and I feel so much hate. I hate him, his family and friends for making excuses for his drinking. But really I hate myself for being such a fool and allowing myself to be used.
WOW! Such powerful stories! At first glance it would seem that most are victims, but then it becomes clear that these people are survivors!
I have watched my son spiral out of control due to pain killer meds abuse. He completes his second rehab stint today and I pray he really felt he had hit bottom and doesn’t want to go back to that place and is willing to do anything and everything necessary not to. After his 1st rehab I was going to Al-Anon as recommended during family counseling and got some relief and quit going. Then he relapsed and his drug abuse was the worst it has ever been and ended up with him checking himself back into treatment the 2nd time.
When I first went to Al-Anon, I heard several stories that admitted they went to Al-Anon seeking ways to help their alcoholic stop. I now know that is exactly why I went to Al-Anon and am planning on going back for ME this time. I don’t know how my son will do, but I know that I need to get help for me regardless and despite what happens with my son.
My husband is self medicating with wine and it’s a hard thing to watch. My daughters seem to have “detached” and are healthier than I could hope for. I know my pain and sadness is causing them pain and additional anger at their brother so that’s another impetus to get help for myself.
I read something that has been helpful that I want to try, maybe someone else will find it helpful as well: Just for Today: Just for today I will exercise my soul in 3 ways: I will do somebody a good turn and not get found out. If anyone knows it it will not count. I will do at least 2 things I don’t want to do - just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it. God Bless all of you!
Angry? You bet I am. Four years ago, I married a man who had been alcohol free for twenty years. He had had a problem after Vietnam, done rehab and for 20 years been sober. I had been married to a man for 28 years who had been an alcoholic, divorced him and happily got on with my life.
Along came a sober, hard working man who wanted to take care of me, love me, and share travel with me. I married him, sold my home, moved into his home and combined our resources. Two years ago, he started drinking. How did I find out? He was arrested for drunk driving and I had even called the police because we had been run into by a bad driver. The police arrested him for driving under the influence. I did not know he had even been drinking at that point.
Now two years later, he is drunk most of the time. His kids do not even know. He would be uncontrollable with anger if I told them of his problem. He is retired, so there is no reason to be sober–no work. No one on the outside need know.
I sit here frustrated, watching the best years of our lives evaporate. I know that I cannot change him, that my only control is how I react. I try to make a life for myself, but I married for companionship and got the most lonely life going. My anger will keep me sane until I figure out what steps to take to get out of this mess.