What does it mean, our lives became unmanageable?
Welcome to the third of six Al-Anon Family Group podcasts, especially recorded to introduce you to Al-Anon meetings.
What do we mean when we say our lives became unmanageable? Does it mean we will always feel angry or sad or depressed? Will our lives continue to be as chaotic as they are today? Is there any hope for improvement?
60 Comments on “What does it mean, our lives became unmanageable?”
Its nice to know that I’m not alone.
My life became unmanageable in the following ways:
1. I didn’t have time to do routine household chores because I was out looking for the alcoholic at bars. The house was a mess.
2. I didn’t have decent clothes to wear because, of course, I had no time to shop.
3. I rarely ate regular meals because I was waiting for my spouse to come home–that waiting could be hours or even days. I was thin and undernourished.
4. I felt angry, sad, and lonely, so I was unable to participate in anything in my community.
5. Prior to joining Al-Anon, I was sitting in the basement, crying and trying to figure out what to do. As long as I sat in the basement, my life stayed unmanageable.
Get the idea!?
The podcasts are excellent.
It’s a great way to reach out to people to let them know there are meetings and what goes on at meetings.
Though I have been in program for 10 year, these particular podcast keep it simple in explaining step one and the way Al-Anon works and that Alcoholism is a diesase.
Thanks
What a wonderful way for someone not yet attending Al-Anon meetings to get comfortable about attending. Keeping it simple is so important.
How things have changed in the 36 years I have attended this fellowship, having a new way to reach out to those still suffering.
I think this is a great way of reaching newcomers. I have been in the program for two years and it certainly has changed the way I do things in my day to day life. I am so grateful for this program.
I am from Ontario, Canada. These podcasts are wonderful - thank you! I have recently started attending Al-Anon and I am so grateful for the program. I look forward to the next pod cast, I hope it is soon? I can relate to every one of the speakers in some way or another - its nice to know I am not alone. Thank you so much.
Several of the greatest gifts I’ve received from this fellowship are that I learned that I have choices AND that happiness starts from within. I spent so much of my life relying on other people to determine my happiness. My sponsor asked me why I was allowing other people to be my mental barometer. I hadn’t realized that I had a choice! Today I know that if I choose to be happy, I can be and conversely, if I choose to not be happy, I can choose that too. I’m happy to report, that with the help of this program, the steps, traditions and concepts, literature, meetings, sponsor, and other members, I can and do choose happiness the majority of the time! My progress on my journey today is such that when I am making the choice to not be happy, I am aware of it and can use the tools of the program to work through it.
I love the idea of the podcast to help get a newcomer to a f2f meeting. Also, it’s like a
newcomer’s meeting and helps them get used to what they will be hearing.
As for my life being unmanageble, what that meant for me, was that 1) I had no idea
what I liked anymore but I could tell you everything about him–where he had been; what he had done,how long he had been there, etc 2) I didn’t know that the things I did weren’t “normal”–they had become normal to me until I got to meetings and heard other people sharing the same things and commenting on how crazy it was and when I heard it from them, I agreed it was crazy. 3) my whole life had been swallowed up by alcoholism and the things that should have really mattered, like spending time with any family that might have been available was ignored to try to “round up” the drinker and get them to the gathering. 4) Having the neighbors run away from me but they talked to the drinker—they knew what was wrong with him! 5) believing the same story over and over again even though in my heart I knew it wasn’t true just so the “picture” could be perfect of our family.
My life became so unmanageble I couldn’t function at work, at home or in any part of every day life. My 17 year old son has been doing drugs and drinking since he was 10. Two rehabs and 7 years of counceling and we are no better off. My fiance is also an alcoholic He is verbally abuseve when he drinks and use to hit me too but that has stopped. I have once tried to kill myself I was so depressed I had no self esteme left. My son then 16 had been missing for two weeks was living on the streets. If it were not for Al-Anon I don’t know where I would be today.
This is my first communication, so I’m not sure quite what to say. My brother, niece and boyfriend (s) are so severly alcoholic and who knows what else, that my sweet Mother who continues to “pay” their way is running out of money and now is looking for me to help her. I know what the pat answer is, but it’s hard not to help your Mom (she’s never had a drink in her life). I feel badly that a wonderful lady of 80 has to be subjected to this junk.
I have been in the program for quite a few years and I am always amazed when something I have heard over and over from my beloved members all of sudden starts to take hold. I have been assured that is because that is when I needed to hear it. Recently, I was not able to get to meetings for a couple of months and how I slipped back to ummanageable behaviour. I again focused on the drinkers and their lives and before too long I was irritable and frustrated with my whole life. Having now returned to my regular meetings and after delving into my readings again, I am again experiencing days including serenity and peace and confidence in my thinking.
This was my first experience with Al-Anon. Ever. I have sat here tonight and listened to all 4 pods. I have cried and even laughed a time or two. Until tonight, I have felt like a failure, because everything that I tried to do didn’t work. I am a Registered Nurse and I am suppost to know how to “fix” things. Well, just tonight, I have realized that I am powerless over alcoholism. And I feel such relief. Thank you, thank you and I will continue to listen and who knows I may try a face-to-face mtg.
Having gone to Al-Anon just a few times now , i can tell you if you were like i was scared not sure if it was for you or just uncomfortable . put those thoughts out of your mind and do it .. go there and listen speak if you would like i promise you you will see there is hope and you will slowely gain knowledge and a sense of fellowship with people who understand..
my wife is a alcoholic and it has been such a struggle for so long it has made my life unmanageable as well .. if i were to do a persnal inventory of all the reasons why … i would be writing all night.
i do however , see hope .. even though i feel like it cant get any worse because you know what. i CAN get my life back i am in charge of me and i DONT have to worry about controlling someone else anymore.. well at least those are goals i am setting
i encourage you to go to Al-Anon for a new beginning for yourself.. we deserve our happiness too right ? and its out there for us we just have to want it and work for it and stay true to our beliefs
i never ever thought i would go … but i was glad i did and now look forward to the meetings .. you will be surprised how comfortable and at ease you will feel after just a short time
it is more then Therapy it is to gain Knowledge , share stories good and sometimes bad but.. its for you not the alcoholic in your life its for YOU and YOUR recovery
i think we all know how low and sad and mad and frustrated someones drinking can makes us feel trust me i certainly am living proof of that
but there is hope
best wishes to you all . things will get better
kev
i would also like to mention with these podcasts here… they are also what helped me finally decide that you know what i am going to that meeting and for that i am grateful i listened to one each day.. and i was glad i did
thanks
I found out my sister was an alcoholic when I bought a house with her. After all the papers were signed it became apparent that she regretted it. For 2 years my mum and I put up with mood swings, hysteria, sneaking booze into the house all the usual. A very functional alcoholic my sister held down a professional job but I got to the stage of threatening to notify her professional association (because others were at risk if she was impaired). A chance encounter with the police resulted in a DUI and one year suspension. She stopped drinking (I think) and has been dry for 2 years. But she moved out (you cant live 15 kilometers out of town if you can’t drive). She “visits” and stays for all her days off, she treats the place like a hotel, she does’nt help with chores or garden (even though she has a share in the house). We have to creep around being nice all the time. I feel like I’m still being used by an “alcoholic” and I am so angry all the time. Maybe I should try Al-Anon. Writing this blog has helped anyway. Thanks
I was a wreck when I first came to a meeting. All I could feel was pain, resentment, anger, hate, and spite towards my mother. Because I believed that feelings were facts, I was unable to THINK clearly. This month is my 2 year Al-Anon birthday and it has made a great difference in my life. My mother’s drinking is worse than ever but my mind and heart are released from her pain. I have more compassion for her than I ever thought possible but I don’t have to go down with her. I can love my mom more, now, because I love myself more. This program works for me and I will keep coming back!
Furthermore, I am so excited to see podcasting!!! One more magnificent way to stay connected to the fellowship and love of the Al-Anon program.
amy
Why do we have this need to “fix” our loved ones? I was at a meeting once and there was a person who said they had had a dream and that their loved one had died (the alcoholic) and when they looked in the coffin it wasn’t the alcoholic in the coffin but themselves. I feel that way sometimes, and hope by re-joining Al-Anon I will regain “myself”. Years ago by working the 12 steps I became very healthy minded, but unfortunately without reinforcement I’ve slipped back into old habits. I’m appreciative this is here.
thank you so much for these podcasts. my boyfriend is an alcohoic with a serious gambling problem as well. I have also found out that his parents basically abandoned him, his brother and other family years ago. my boyfriend is 35 years old and has a pre-teen beautiful daughter. His parents haven’t been around for about 10 years. they don’t even call at Christmas. I love him so very much and have tried everything to try to get him to want to get help. I too have lost myself. I spend too many nights to count driving around to find him, waiting for him to come home and also paying off old and new debts. We have a house together and I have had to sacrifice everything to keep our house and other bills paid. in the past 2 years these addictions have cost about $20 thousand for me alone. He has recently started drinking even when his daughter is around. I cry at some point every day. I feel sorry for myself and sorry for him and the others in our life. I only have 2 of his friends to talk to about this. We work together and I often have to cover up for him leaving work to go drink. I dont want my parents to worry so i can’t tell them and I don’t want my friends to judge. When i have pressured him to quit, he threatens to leave me but also a few times has threatened suicide. I walk on egg shells every day and just try to exist and survive as I try to keep him alive and keep us from bankruptcy. I am currently at my lowest low.
He has a good heart somewhere deep inside. He is smart and a wonderful man with a disease that I know in my heart that I can’t fix but keep trying. I am only 39 years old but feel like all joy has disappeared for me. Feel like my only choice is to let him keep drinking and killing himself or fight to keep him alive and keep his job and have him hate me. tonight he is drunk again. And so i am again hiding in our bedroom while he sits in the livingroom drinking big bottle of rum (the smell makes me gag) and watching tv. He will pass out on the couch soon and in the morning i will have to try to convince him that i am full of hope and that he should go to work. Then i have to drive us to work (since he had DUI) and then have another day where i pretend my life is happy and “normal”, not knowing if he will disappear part way through the day and take out payday loans to support this habit since bank accounts overdrawn. No one at work has a clue!
I think these podcasts have given me the strength to at least try to go to a meeting. There is one tomorrow night and I think I am going to go. thank you for reading and i pray I will someday have peace and that my boyfriend can be happy and healthy again.
hello everyone, I have been in Al-Anon for over one year and the reason I went was because they said I needed to go for my niece who is an addict. I heard my own story from another woman, it was identical to mine. My husband is an alcoholic and has always been an alcoholic but I never realized it. It made my life crazy but of course it wasn’t his fault it was mine. Until I went to Al-Anon and got my life back. I know now who I am and that my opinions matter and that I am not the crazy one. I sometimes can’t go to meetings and I like the podcasts because I sorta feel like I’m in a meeting. It is great to know I’m not alone.
I have been delighted to listen to these podcasts,have been in Al Anon for a very long time and this life changing programme has been one of the greatest blessings of my life!
Congratulations to WSO for their production and I know how important it is that I am reminded regularly how far I have come and how grateful I am that I have had this programme in my son’s life throughout his childhood and teens.He has grown into a fine young man and I am trully convinced that having a Mum who went to meetings and tried to apply the steps in her life,has given him the stability and the self esteem I didn’t have at his age.My 1st sponsor told me I was giving him a gold pass in life by attending and at that stage I was so sodden in guilt and anger,I barely believed her.So now I work these steps for me because I know I deserve to have a serene,contented and healthy life,be loved and love without needing to control because I know I am looked after.
Thank you for being there - today I needed to listen and this has given me strength and hope.
Hello Family,
I LOVE these podcasts! I’m a newcomer, and I’ve been on step one for a month. Have done phone bridge meetings and face to face for the previous year b/c I just didn’t get that it might be about me….. And I continue to resist. I have a sponsor, and the literature and slogans really help me. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that there is joy, and that it will find me if I just stay still. Meeting makers make it! Thank you, Al Anon family, for helping me tonight. I am laughing again, and when I cry, the tears are real, and there is more clarity within to figure things out. Your ESH rocks!
i am so grateful that someone had the vision to design this website and include these podcasts! i have read through the comments posted by newcomers and it brings tears to my eyes remembering the pain i felt when i entered this program. i was nervous to attend a meeting, but did so because it was an expectation of my husband’s rehab. now, i am a grateful member of this fellowship. i have found in the meetings the family i always wished i had! people in meetings listen to me, nod their heads in understanding, offer me a hug after the meeting, and offer their phone numbers in case i need someone to talk to during the week. i’ve never experienced such unconditional love before coming to Al-Anon. to anyone looking on these sites and listening to these podcasts for the first time, this fellowship called Al-Anon works. it doesn’t cost anything, contributions are totally voluntary, but what you get from the program is priceless!!!! our primary spiritual aim is to help family and friends of alcoholics, therefore, you will be WELCOMED at the meeting and you will be with others who have struggled with the problem of alcoholism. i look forward to meeting you!
I have been in the program for more than a year and sometimes it amazes me how I ever lived without it. I have come along way and there are days like today when my alcoholic has chosen to go off and drink that I know I have MUCH further to go. The desperation I use to feel when he would disappear is much less, I dont pick up the phone and call every five minutes to try to talk him into coming home (which never worked anyway) I still feel frustrated of course but I am learning to rely upon the tools I have learned and to remember that I cannot change him and he must be able to make his own choices whether they are good or bad.
Today I am a grateful member of Al-Anon!!
It’s hard to accept that I deserve to be happy too and that I really have no control over my husband’s addictions. I know it’s true mentally but emotionally I feel like I have, and still am, sacrificing most of my life for my husband’s addiction problems. We have been together for almost 30 years and thinking of a future that has been like my past is truly depressing and hopeless. I have gained tons of weight, I don’t interact with people except at work. Living a life with no trust is just sad. Get this, I once quit law school because I thought he would embarass me in front of my classmates/collegues should I ever have finished law school and graduated. Well, he embarasss me even now when he’s drinking and what I did was give up a great career. I’m tired of hearing the same old phrases from him for whatever reason. I have gone to counselling for co-dependency but it obviously didn’t work.
Thank you for these podcasts because I know I can say anything here and be understood.
It was hard to walk into my first Alateen meeting when I was in high school and both of my parents were alcoholics. I felt so alone. Little did I know how well everyone would understand exactly how I felt. They were easier to talk to than my own family. It was also hard to walk back into an Al-Anon meeting when I realized that my husband, who drank in secret, was also an alcoholic. The disease had progressed so much that he couldn’t hide it any more. But I knew from before in Alateen that you make the greatest friends in this program. I knew it was a safe place to be. So I went even though it was hard. It didn’t hurt me it helped me, like a pressure valve being opened. Being afraid of going to a meeting was just keeping myself from the help I needed. I was so isolated. Now it has been a year since I started in Al-Anon. Like they say, “If you are thinking about going to a meeting, stop thinking about it and go to a meeting!”
BTW, Alateen is not for teenage alcoholics, it is for kids whose parents are alcoholics.
I’ve gone to 3 meetings and have been reading these comments and listening to the podcasts for several weeks before that. I’m still such a beginner but I have already had a lot of peace come to me because of Al-Anon.
About a month ago I hit my bottom. I’ve always thought that my husband was probably an alcoholic, but he has always been very high functioning. He has always kept a job and been a good provider for our family. His drinking never starts until the evening, and he drinks only beer. He has a few every night and has for years. Once or twice a year he will have a guy weekend where he and his buddies drink heavily. This has become a regular way of life. I guess I had found ways to cope with the inconveniences that would sometimes occur, but for the most part we were plugging along.
I can look back now and see the series of events that has led to the progression of his alcoholism, but that night a month ago he drank for over 12 hours and I spend the night pacing the floor, crying, screaming, and calling his phone over and over. I was so exhausted but I couldn’t go to sleep with him not here. He was with a few of his drinking buddies and none of them were ready to stop drinking until he started vomiting. I’m not exactly sure what happened at their house, but I reached a point where I couldn’t take another breath until I went and got him. None of them had ever seen him like this, and truly I hadn’t either. He vomited all over himself and once I got him home it continued along with diareaha. I got him to strip off all the nasty clothes and I finally got him to bed. He was so sad, apologizing the whole time. It broke my heart. After I thought he was settled, I came back to this website and wrote down all the meeting times for the next day. I read every article I could find online about Al-Anon, and listened to the podcasts again.
I learned a lot that night. I learned that I needed to wait until he was sober and tell him in a quiet, calm voice exactly what had happened. I learned that I needed to let him wash his nasty clothes and clean the bathroom that he had messed up, and face his own consequences. I learned that getting a friend involved that could talk to him would be received better than hearing the same things from me over and over. But most of all, even though I knew I needed help for me, I learned that there could be serenity for me. I went to my first meeting the next day.
I think this episode did freak him out a little. He felt bad for 24 hours and only had one beer that first day. He told me he had let things get out of control and that it wouldn’t happen again. He cleaned up all his mess and washed his clothes. But, by the second day he was back to drinking 4 or more a night. What had changed was his valiant effort to keep his drinking ‘under control’. I know from my Al-Anon literature that once he takes one drink his brain changes and that there is no control. But, he has really been behaving so much better and I’ve been able to do my daily readings, get a lot of work done, and try to live one day at a time.
My meetings have helped me. My mind hasn’t been racing constantly wondering what he is doing when I’m not with him. But, I still have a long way to go.
It occurred to me today that since it was Halloween that there would probably be a party somewhere that he would be invited to. I felt the dread. I spoke to him earlier today before he started drinking, and he had decided to stay home this evening. I felt relief. A good friend came over this evening and I was once again sure that he wouldn’t be leaving. Double relief. But his friend left early, and the next thing I know he’s telling me that he is going to make “an appearance” at this party in our neighborhood. He’s been gone for over an hour and I’ve got sweatty palms and feel very nervous inside. I went to my Courage to Change book and read my daily reading. I got online and read what others had written. I started writing this comment. I know that I’m just filling the time with tasks, trying to take my mind off of the fact that he’s not here. At this point, though, I do realize that it’s his life, not mine to control. I can control how I react to this situation. I pray he comes home safe, and I pray that I can stop myself from calling and checking on him. I pray that God will enable me to sleep if he isn’t home soon. I pray that I can get myself out of the way…and let go and let God.
The last comment was so long, sorry. I was struggling that night and it really helped to write it all down. He did come home after a couple of hours and things weren’t the horror that I had expected.
I’m so glad that I’ve found Al-Anon and wish I had known years ago that I was being affected by the disease of alcoholism. I’ve spent countless hours inside my own head, worrying about things I couldn’t control or change.
I’ve learned some coping strategies and have gotten so much support and information from going to the meetings and reading the materials. I have realized this week, however, that even when I have several days of what I call “good days”, all it takes is one negative thought to get me back inside my own head…worrying again. I called another member of the group yesterday who patiently listened and let me talk it out. She focused on me and not the situation that was making me so uncomfortable. It helped so much. And, as has happened so many times before, things didn’t turn out as badly as I had thought they would. The feeling of dread has become my worst enemy. It effects me physically and mentally and I make bad decisions when I’m in those situations. But my Al-Anon friend really helped. So tonight, when I started feeling that same old feeling of dread, instead of saying the wrong thing I came to this website to read and clear my head.
If there was a registered chat room I think it would be very helpful for those who have a hard time finding a meeting close to them, or for those times(usually late at night) when it’s impossible to get out of the house. Thanks for reading this. Finding Al-Anon has improved my life considerably and I am finding that I can have serenity and happy times, when I let myself. I hope you can too.
My husband is an alcoholic/drug addict who has been in a rehab facility for the last 9 months. I am depressed lonely and cry almost everyday because I feel that he is never going to come home. I had a fight with him and told him that I needed to see some progress towards his moving back home and he kept negating every idea and felt that I was giving him an ultimatum and maybe I was. How long do I put my life on hold for when even he does not know if or whether he will ever come home. I have two special needs children and am trying as hard as I can to keep it together but there are days when I feel like I could easily start crying and never stop. Things are breaking and I am barely getting by meanwhile he is barely working 24 hours. I would love the opportunity to simply check out of my life while someone else makes my house payments and pays my bills and takes care of my children, but that is not a possibility. I am just so tired and alone.
thanks for listening
Terrie
Hi
I feel like my entire life has changed in the three months since our 18 yo son got a DWI and went steadily downhill. He’s due to be discharged from rehab in a month and a half and I am so scared I won’t be able to manage him. There I go, thinking I can control him. I am learning the tools, read the books, listen at the meetings, but somehow my mind hasn’t fully taken in all the tools yet.
I also see myself wanting to control his consequences. Intellectually I know that not only is it not possible, but it is the worst thing I can do and would further enable him.
After a weekend pass with him, I feel weak, when I want to feel strong. And again I know I am where I need to be and need to let go and let my higher power help me. Maybe with time these things will sink in. I sure hope so. Sometimes I leave the meetings feeling so relieved that there are others who have been where I am. Other times I feel hopeless thinking that alot of people have been going through this for many years.
The saying “Keep coming back” is what I need to do.
Thank you for listening
I’ve went to a few meetings a couple of years ago and was not comfortable and didn’t feel it was for me. In retrospect I know I felt that way because I was not ready to admit that this was a part of my life. Fast forward and beginning a year and a half ago my husband started getting mildly physically abusive (he’s always been verbally/emotionally abusive but only when he drinks).
Short story is I’ve left 3 times in the past year, the first time was just for a few days. The 2nd time was close to 5 or 6 weeks (both these times I left and stayed with friends). The 3rd time was for 30 days, I checked myself in to a domestic violence center (I didn’t realize I was locking myself up). I agreed to come back home with the stipulation that he quit drinking, quit smoking pot and get help (with his anger).
He started going back to AA a couple of weeks before I went back, started going to my church (I had been going by myself since the beginning of the year) and stopped going out and drinking. I came home and he was “good” for a little while, then he started “slipping” every couple of weeks, then that grew into a weekly slip. Nothing seems to be working for either of us. He took me to an AA meeting one Thursday night and then didn’t come home after work the next night and was at the bar.
Over the last month there have been 2 incidents in which he went out drinking (maybe 3 now), made it home (driving drunk) and managed to pull the car into the drive way only to pass out in the drivers seat. The first time this happened I let him stay out there for a few hours, the 2nd time it happened I just left him there and let him stay there all night.
He has recently “negotiated” to have 1 night a month that is his “guys” night out and 1 night a month with me (where I go to the bar with him so I can meet his friends (this is to eliminate/resolve my suspicions of his infidelity)). We went out this past Friday night and it was really just all about him. I foolishly thought this would be our “date” night but it didn’t feel like that to me at all. He paid no attention to how I was feeling. We stayed out longer than I wanted to stay (which we had made a deal that we would leave “together” when I was ready) and he drank more than what he agreed to, which ruined our “date” night (at least for me).
I’m so tired of dealing with this I can’t take it anymore, part of me (the old side) is ready to give up, move out and file for divorce. The other side of me, the new Christian side, says hold on-Let go and Let GOD. But you know what, I just DON’T want to live like this anymore, I DON’T want to live like this the REST of my life. I’ve been thinking about going back to an Al-Anon meeting to help me cope but on the other hand if I leave and divorce him I wont have this problem to deal with anymore and that sounds more appealing to me.
I really wish that someone could guarantee me that it will get better and give me a time frame in which it will. I DO know however that is NOT realistic but I’m about at the end of my rope and definately out of patience.
Oh, 1 more thing-I can’t tell you how tempting it is to make a call to the police when he’s out drinking. I know he’ll drive drunk and the consequences to him are 10 years in prison. It’s very tempting to call, very tempting.
This is the first thing I found to deal with my husband drinking and my heart breaking on a daily basis. I see I’m not alone and that’s even sadder. I feel like I’m becoming more angry and yelling more and ugly just like him. You know they say it’s the company we keep. He upsets me or us everyday. Always after a tall can. I can’t take it another day.
I know how you feel Jil. I just don’t know what to do about it. I am working on getting better myself in order to live with my alcoholic husband and not “care” as much about his drinking but I am not sure I will get there. I may have to leave before my own life/sanity is too far gone. I hate that feeling. I love my husband and have spent the last 4 years trying to show him “how much” and trying to show him that life is good and he can be happy if he chooses to. Instead of him seeing those things…..I have seen what hell on Earth looks like. I am hoping that the principles of Al-Anon can help. If they don’t help me to live with him……..I am hoping that changing my focus from him and his addiction to me will help me when it is finally time to get off of the roller coaster.
Finding this website has been a lifesaver for me. I’ve listened to the podcasts several times now and have cried rivers of tears in relief that I am not alone, instead of worry, anger and frustration over my alcoholic. I will keep reading these words, listening to the podcasts until I go to my first AL-Anon meeting. I have my local contact number and will be calling tomorrow morning. I am finding writing this down very cathartic as I go over our relationship and what brought me to this point.
My boyfriend of close to a year is an alcoholic although he will not use that word-it’s always his addiction. We live a good distance apart which makes it doubly hard because I feel so helpless knowing that he is by himself, knowing that the desire for alcohol is there and I guess in a way, not being able to control it.
When we first met in person, I flew out to where he lives and I guess my first clue should have been that I could not get hold of him the night before. When I arrived, I called him several times and it took him over two hours to arrive to where I was staying. When he arrived, he had a case of beer. All of what happened that first few days, I put down to initial jitters and I guess denial of what the real problem. Denial on both our parts colored our times together even when he would get verbally abusive toward me, cutting me down, blaming me for things, all under the umbrella of being brutally honest because when he was sober, he was the sweetest most loving man ever and while deep in my heart I knew that he was an alcoholic, I didn’t want to lose him or his love so I kept on making excuses for his binges which happened almost every weekend we were together. He was sober a good part of our time together and we made plans to take this relationship further, for me to move out there to be with him. One night after a particularly bad binge, he finally admitted he was an alcoholic and needed help. That was as far as it went.
Once I returned home, the drinking started all over again and the worry on my part was enormous - I was constantly worrying about him, was he drinking, etc etc. My life was basically on hold, all out of worry over him. Things escalated like this and I made a return trip to finalize a deal for a place for us to live - he was broke, so I paid the rent. He was always broke and I know when we were together, with him broke, at least I could control his drinking in that I refused to buy any booze at all. Again, he wasn’t there to meet me-it took him a couple hours to come to me and he had another case of beer with him.
This time when I came home, I made the plans to move out there, travel and mover arrangements. At this time, he had got a job and was on the standard probationary period - he went for his job review and through a genuine honest series of miscommunications, he thought that they didn’t want him to work there. He went on the binge of all binges and to be honest, should have been in the hospital or a detox unit. Trouble is-he has alienated every member of his family because of his alcoholism and has literally no one to help him. Somehow, we got through this but I cancelled my moving plans because to be honest, I couldn’t face going out to this situation, in spite of my love and devotion to him. I figured that this would jolt him into reality, which it did. He got into rehab but had to wait 4 weeks for a space. We wouldn’t be spending the holidays together, which was hard for both of us and the reason why always hung in the background. He was completely sober until last night - 2 nights before he is scheduled to enter rehab. To be brutally honest, I don’t know if he drank away the money given him to get him there or if he will even make it. He says he will, but there have been too many broken promises in the past. He has been complaining that this program is too 12 Step oriented….making all sorts of excuses, wondering if this program will work. My mind has been in overdrive over this and again, he always said that if I was there, things would be alright.
Tonight, he is completely drunk. When he gets like that, he gets argumentative and digs into the recesses of his mind for different hurtful things to say toward me. Tonight was no different and I refused to argue. I hung up on him. I did all of my crying and worrying about him before this last call. Yes, it hurts -it hurts a lot because I do love him very much and accept that his alcoholism has caused all of the losses in his life. After that call, I found this website and have cried as I realize that I am not alone in this. My mother, my family are well meaning but they can’t provide the kind of support I need - the kind I will find in Al-Anon. Tonight, for the first time in this relationship, I have come to understand that I am powerless over alcohol. Whether the step I am taking will help him toward recovery is unknown. But I know that for the first time in this relationship, I am going to change something that can be changed-me.
I have been sitting here reading all the comments thinking it was just me. I now know I am not alone. My husband is an alcoholic. Sometimes he drinks a little, other times he binges. I have 3 small children . I haven’t gone to my first meeting yet ,cause honestly I was almost convinced I was the crazy one. Today we were at our marriage counselor and I was talking about his drinking and he blew up and stormed out. I sat there and just went WOW I always thought there was a problem but I allowed it to be excused away as work stress. I finally realized I can’t fix him. Only he can. I can just make myself happy and my children. He gets very angry and becomes a bully. He taunts and torments me and the kids. They are beautiful kids. I am divorced, did I mention my first husband abused alcohol? This one however is high functioning. He has a professional career. I am angry at myself for not opening my eyes and dragging my children through this. I know it is not me. I need to find serenity. For me and the kids.
Thank you for all the comments. They have truly been inspiring.
I am so tired. So tired of his (my husband’s) addictions, so tired of his getting us farther and farther in debt. Tired of his anger, tired of his rules for our kids (who are young adults and all out of the house - lucky them). I have listened to all these podcasts and sat here and cried by my computer. I am numb. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just worry about whether he will be angry or not, will he pick me up from work drunk again, will he be the sober nice guy or the drunk, slurring, groping, jerk.
Sigh. I feel so alone. I don’t want to tell my family he’s started drinking again.
He did say he was going to quit again but I found a bottle hidden outside today. He said he wants my support but he will not be going to AA meetings this time. He said he wants me to hold him accountable but then blows up in anger when I do. He has never hit me but he did beat our children and has broken things around the house. I just can’t do this again, I just want out.
The alcoholic in my life has 17 years of sobriety and my experience tells me that it does not matter whether the alcoholic has 1 year or 50, they are not immune to relapses. My spouse has relapsed in behavior. He attends about 3 meetings a day, has sponsees and does service work, however, he is a dry drunk. All of his drinking behavior is back and I find myself adjusting my life to fit his attitudes all over again.
Admitting that I have absolutely NO power to help him change or get better…is easy, but acting on that admission is extremely hard for me. I always listen to his words hoping that this time…he really means what he says…however, my experience over the past 7 years shows me differently…and I still fall for his words of hope every time.
I am so used to putting him first..I don’t know how to put me first and leave him alone to muddle through his own miserable life…MY life is unmanagable, because I am not managing it…I am managing his…All my reasoning as to why his raging is unacceptable does no good, because I am trying to reason with someone who is..by nature…unreasonable and self centered.
My life is unmanageable because I am powerless….
Thanks for letting me share
Hi. I’m 52 years old and my boyfriend is a practicing alcoholic. We have been together for 13 years, and during that time, I have only seen one night where he didn’t drink. That was in the first week we were together. During those 13 years his drinking got progressively worse. My family and friends had always told me that I changed once I started to date him. I didn’t see it then, but I sure do see it now. He is a controller and a master manipulator. I fell into the trap of believing everything he said to the point where I lost myself. I was, at one time, an independent, self-assured, confident woman, but that is not the case anymore. Has my life become unmanageable … most definitely. I find it hard to wake up in the morning and go to work. I cry a lot and wonder what I did so wrong to be treated this way. I’ve lost my self-respect, my self-worth and my love for life.
When my boyfriend reached the age of 50, he felt his life was missing something. He wanted the days back from his youth where he partied all night drinking and doing drugs. He wanted to feel free, which he couldn’t do because he was in a committed relationship. So he did what he wanted, and that was to have an affair. Not with just one woman, but many. When I found out I left him, but he managed to get me back into his life. He convinced me that no one would ever love me like he did, and no one would ever be as caring and supportive as he’s been. How could I of been a fool to allow him back into my life. Nothing had changed. He just learned how to lie a bit better.
I began seeing Al-Anon advertisements on TV and started to put the two together. I was affected by his drinking, no two ways about it. Maybe I cannot control and change him, but I can change me, which I’ve started to do. I must say the Serenity Prayer 50 times a day. It brings me back to reality when I’m in the midst of a breakdown. I’ve made the decision to go to Al-Anon for me. I need to recover. If he chooses to stay where he is, I will move on, I have to for my sanity. It’s unfortunate that a person can be so loving and caring, but when they drink they become something completely different. That is the illness. Treat the illness and things should get better. Leave it alone and eventually things will just get worse.
I have hit my bottom. There is nowhere else to go but up. The only way I can do this is to be with people who understand my situation, who have walked the walk and can talk the talk. In participating in group meetings, listening and sharing will I be able to truly grow. I am convinced of this.
I haven’t been to a meeting yet because there is not one until Tuesday night. I have been wanting to go to one since my boyfriend put himself into treatment on February 5, 2009 my boyfriend of 3 yrs. and 8 months to the date. I am scared, worried, afraid, excited, and so many more emotions. I am actually sitting here waiting on him to call me. He’s been in treatment for three days. He has been drinking for about 25 to 30 years before I met him. I just hope and pray that this will help him, because I can’t keep living like this. I’m a social worker/counselor and I could not help him. His drinking has affected my relationship with my daughter from a previous marriage. I can’t wait until Tuesday night when I can go to a meeting. I can’t visit him until next Sunday which is 8 days from now. Reading everyones comments have helped me to see that I’m not alone and I’m not going crazy. Thanks for doing this.
Wow.. I have come across this right now after searching for info after my husband finally admitted he has a problem… I knew all along but I did not know where to turn. So many comments I can take from many on this.. And it all equals my life.. Lonely, sad, anger, frustration, the energy taken ‘wondering’ where he is or when he is coming back.. Who he will be when he does return from just getting a loaf of bread. The terms used, saying he ‘disappears’! I thought it was just me that would know what that meant.
My life has been taken over by this.. I do not even know who I am anymore. I am 36 and have forgotten how to have fun.
He has been gone for a few days in a withdrawal facility, doing well I may add. But he’s coming out tomorrow… I AM NOT READY!!!! I have had no help from anyone on how to deal with this.. What is my role? What am I supposed to do?? what happens from here onwards?? I have so many questions unanswered. I need help and hope Al-Anon can help. Thank you people for sharing what you have been through and I for one can say for sure you are being heard.. I can relate in some way to everyone.
No one else can understand.. Which they are lucky cos it means they have not had to love through it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s easy to give up and walk away, they feel… But love is a powerful thing and the hope we love through for change when they are being ‘good,’ well that’s what keeps me here cos I see the potential of who he can truly be.
I will be coming back here for more info and also arranging to go to a meeting for myself. From those of you who live this life, it sounds like Al-Anon is the answer.
Thank you.
I haven’t been able to make myself go to a meeting and I know I need to. My life is unmanageable and I am miserable. My husband is an alcoholic but was clean when we married and for the first 4 years. He slipped back into his old lifestyle and began drinking and using drugs about 5 months ago. I agree with Niki above, it is like hell on earth. Everything revolves around him. Will he drink today or come home tonight? I’m tired of chasing him and I also believe every word of hope he gives me. I see myself making sure the house is clean and trying to do things to make him happy but he finds fault in that too. When he gets really bad, he verbally tears me down. I pray and pray but I know I can’t fix him. It’s funny because I am in grad school to be a therapist. How can I help people like myself (and my husband) when I can’t help myself? He is very high functioning and keeps up his job but is never home and neglects the kids and me and it hurts so much.
The lies that they live, we live as well, until we take control of us.
I love the “Let go, Let God.” I say it many times a day. It helps me thru the day with an alcoholic husband. Even though we are separated he still tries to pull me thru his hell.
With the help of this site and pod cast I can choose to join him or not. Most days I am strong. Those are the days I come here frequently and read Al-Anon literature. When I stop reading or listening or sharing, that’s when I get sucked back down to his level.
Thank you for this site. I have called around for a meeting. My sister called me today at 6:30 a.m. to say that she got “served” and has to be in court on Monday morning. I have been calling rehab facilities frantically, and calling her back and forth giving her information, but then I stopped and took a breath and looked you guys up. It took a few hours but after reading all of these posts, I have decided to go to a meeting. I thought I needed weight-watchers, since I have gained 80 lbs. since my daughter was killed 4 years ago. I eat, I drink wine also, I sleep alot and I have prescription drugs, etc. I actually am in no place to judge anyone.
I know that my sister needs rehab, and I know that she has tried so hard to please as our mother was once an alcoholic, as was her father. So I am like the failure of a sister who can’t contribute to her rehab, but I have given her this advice. Check yourself in. My son and husband are functioning, my son checks out with computer games, my husband with work. All my sister wants is love. My “Love-well” is dry and has been for a very long time. I actually was thinking how selfish I am because I am here and not running to help her out. I can barely make it to the mailbox to get my mail. I have made many attempts to help my family but I just can’t stand the alcoholic drama. I don’t want the drama in my family life.
She called at 2:30 in the morning telling me that she was “finished,” etc. I am exhausted and really am in no place to fix or help or make judgements. I am a crappy sister, a crappy mother, and a crappy wife, by anyone’s standards and actually I am sick of the entire 5-act play. I drink a glass or so of Chardonay since my daughter was killed a few years ago; I never considered myself as being an alcoholic, however. People can drink but alcoholic families are like a sad, sad story, with a sad ending, usually. My grandfather was an alcoholic, my mother, my uncles, my sister, my brother, so what makes me or gives me the privilege of attending Al-Anon. My best friend went years ago and it did wonders for her, so maybe I’ll just go and listen and just try and be thankful.
I can’t be there for my sister but I pray for her. Her husband really is not any better than her. He drinks beer when he goes out. He never comes home for dinner, etc. And then he says his life is unmanageable? So he is setting her up for a court-appointed rehab. I told her to check herself in first. She told me that “she thinks” he kicked her and then she fell down the stairs and ended up in the foyer. I am not the best person to go to court with her because I will have to tell what I know and it is truly a sad picture. I think the best thing is for her to check herself in and then take the steps to care for her child. The guy who gets the court order and thinks he is better than his “unmanageable spouse” is really just trying to control her.
Thank you for listening. I think I made the right choice and I am in no place to judge a drinking alcoholic who needs help. I would “fly” back home but I am home and I just am sic of the constant drama. I pray for my nephew and I know that God is bigger than this mess. I choose to stand still.
Yo everyone!
I’m new to al-anonfamilygroups.org.
I hope I can be a regular here!
Wow. I’ve been in a trance reading all these experiences. When I first went to Al-Anon I just felt so bad for everybody. Alcohol really just screws everything up and you would think that the perpetrator would figure it out. It amazes me that they can do so much damage to themselves and those around them and not even get it.
My alcoholic is a lawyer, yes a lawyer, and they are the worst when it comes to arguing. They deny everything. Recently I found my husband cheated on me 11 years ago, and sits in his office and looks at porn with a whiskey and coke in a coke bottle. He even went on MySpace to find dates and I listened to a couple of interesting voicemails on his phone. He also got a DUI and wrecked his motorcycle when he was so toasted he didn’t know where he was.
All this has been happening since 1998. So when I decided I didn’t want him and his shenanigans anymore he decided to go to AA and become the model husband. Makes dinner for me every night, does all the grocery shopping. I went all those years without an honest sober husband. He was doing horrible stuff behind my back for so many years, all the lying, treating his kids terribly. He lost so much. And now he wants me back. I have no respect for him and frankly don’t like him much, and of course I can’t trust him past our driveway, but something inside me is reluctant and I can’t figure out what it is.
It scares me because I would love to find someone I can trust and laugh with now that all the kids are grown. The thought of living with someone who has so many flaws for the rest of my life just scares me to death. I don’t want to be at the end of my life in total regret because I decided to stay with someone who hurt me so much that I can never feel the same.
HELP!! I’m going back to Al-Anon tonight with a friend of mine who also needs to go. I hope it helps because I’m tired of being so sad and hurt.
I never thought that dealing with an alcoholic would be the hardest thing I ever had to do. My daughter, now 23 years of age, has had a history of alcohol binge drinking since she was 16 and it has escalated to the present. As a mother I always tryed to protect her–through two DUI’s and three different wrecks. The hardest thing for me is letting go.
Mothers were always supposed to fix things and make it right. I know now that I’m up against a brick wall. I did attend one Al-Anon meeting, but at the time I had so many emotions floating in my head. I know that I need to attend more meetings to help me get thru this.
My daughter is in an intense rehab program at the present time, but there are still slip-ups. I feel like I live in constant worry. I pray for her every day and I know I focus on her a lot. There are times when I just try to tell my self, “Don’t care so much.” The ball is in her court. As a mother, it is hard to feel that way. The stories I have read relate so much and will help me to take the steps I need to have a manageable life and know how to help her. Thanks for this site.
Wow! This sounds like it really helps! Is there hope for someone married 20 years? I feel like I’m losing my mind and it’s all my fault for staying so long and putting my kids through this. But my alcoholic is great for about 4 hours in the morning and he holds a full-time job. He is drinking 24 beers a night! Every night.
Pam - you are a confident woman. You might want to think about starting fresh. I am getting a divorce of course, so maybe not the best gal to be giving out advice. I was married to a lawyer too, 3 years of college, 3 of law school, one year of working. All the same stories apply. Supporting him through my career, while he was drinking and up to God-knows-what. Wasting my energy analyzing his behavior for the old patterns, never being able to relax enough, not wanting to have people over or form relationships because he would embarrass me. Hiding my unhappiness from my family, not enjoying being intimate anymore, worried that old issues that were solved and past, would be thrown in my face again. Wondering if I was worthy enough for this person, then realizing one day that he wasn’t worthy of me.
Have you ever been a passenger in a car with someone who is a really good driver? You look out the side window and see the scenery, without fake-braking or tensing up or pointing out that we are all stopping ahead - and you don’t even realize you *aren’t* monitoring the road, you are just relaxed and enjoying the ride.
That’s what I am going to do now, “see the scenery,” maybe find myself a good driver.
Hi, Everyone. Reading all these comments has helped me this morning. My 45-year-old son has moved back in with me after having lost job, house, family, truck… you name it. I figure he has to depend upon me now, he doesn’t have much going for him. Even without a job, he finds ways to drink, riding his brother’s bicycle to a bar. He has his days and nights reversed… creeps around all night with his shortwave radio activities and then sleeps until noon. I’m an early riser and like to get all my household stuff done early so I can enjoy my day.
He disappeared for over 11 hours yesterday and I was so worried that I finally called the police asking if there had been a bicycle accident with injuries. There hadn’t been any, so I walked the floors and kept watch for him.
His wife told me this morning that she has filed for divorce and it’s in the papers today. Also, this is his beautiful daughter’s 18th birthday. I feel so sorry for his family… and for myself. I also feel sorry for him… a highly educated, brilliant man.
I’m on a fixed income and he does nothing to contribute to the bills and/or care of his big old dog. His job hunting efforts are few and far between and I know that as long as I feed him and give him a roof over his head, he’s content to just be.
I’m losing a lot of sleep, money, and all this is having an adverse effect on my health with blood pressure soaring. It’s literally making me sick.
I have scheduled a meeting this evening even thought it’s Maundy Thursday and I have a lot to do. I’m worth looking after and obviously I’m going to have to do it by myself. It’s agonizing for a mother to feel this kind of abuse from her precious child.
Thanks again to all who have written these comments.
I am sorry for everyone who posted that you have had or continue to go through the same misery and hell that I am in right now. I am having an extremely hard time, and someone told me to look up this site. I am glad I did.
When I met my now husband, I just knew that I had found “the one.” He was super sweet, caring, understanding, ambitious, compassionate, fun, and just altogether became my best friend. We even began working together as a couple in business and it worked very, very well. People were amazed at what he and I accomplished as a team. He had some time sober when we got together, and when we talked about that, he always said he never wanted to go back to that lifestyle. Well, we married and he made a little over 2 years of sobriety, and then BOOM, like hitting a brick wall, it all fell apart in what seems like an instant. All it took was just that first beer, and then it was all downhill.
Now it’s always him blaming me, blaming the kids, blaming his or my parents, blaming clients of his work. He curses me out and puts me down in every way he possibly can. He takes off and drives drunk, even though he has already gotten DWI’s for this. He will sit, in the few times being sober, and ask me what I am thinking or what is bothering me. Yet, if I tell him, he gets all mad, and it’s not even that I say anything bad to him. I don’t know why he bothers to ask. It is just crazy. My stress level is through the roof. I hurt so bad to have the man I know and fell in love with back, the best friend I could ever have.
Three weeks ago we had an argument, and this time I just left and stayed away from him, cuz he was in a really bad way. I had my cell phone shut off. Because I did not answer it immediately when he called, he proceeded to call the police on me for driving “his truck.” Anyway, 5 days later he decided to sober up and talk to me, and of course made all the promises and said all the nice things–how he was quitting drinking; he knew how it made him and how bad it was screwing up our lives together and how the kids and I are the most important things to him. But, of course, here we are 3 weeks later and he is drunk and over by his old house, where he runs when he can’t deal with reality or anyone “attacking” him. He is calling me every 5 minutes to call me names and make threats and call me a liar, even though I have nothing to hide or lie about, not to mention that I have heard him lie no less than 20 times in the last week. So anyhow, this special Mother’s Day that he promised, turned out to be just another drunken weekend, where he is just angry at the world.
Yeah, I think I could use some of these meeting, but I don’t deal very well in public situations where I don’t know anyone. Yeah, I am scared to go, scared that my emotions will come spilling out and I will embarass myself, because my emotions are just raw right now. Anyhow, I am relieved knowing that I am not alone out there. Thanks for listening.
I have not been to a meeting in a long time. But now, after being married to an alcoholic for 23 years, we are having problems in our relationship. I know that it might be the fear that I was trying to control how I was dealing with what I called a self-inflicted disease. That’s what I keep telling myself. My husband stated that he was unhappy and doesn’t know if he wants to work on our relationship or not, but that’s up to him. I just need to help myself to be me. From what I have been reading and listening to in these podcasts, I know that I let other people decide for me what I should feel about a lot of things. And I know I have to think for myself and should not care what other people think of me.
I have never written anything that would make my situation public before. My boyfriend, and also the father of my son, is an alcoholic and a drug addict. We have been together over four years and three-and-a-half of them have been hell. I have tried to fix the situation by holding his hand. This method, or any method of mine, is doomed to fail. In my head, I know I cannot fix him. Only God knows why I keep trying.
He has done rehab stints in three states and jail time in two. He has recently joined a new rehab program and has been sober for four months. I think he relapsed last night.
I see him slipping through my fingers, yet there is nothing I can do to hold on to this glimpse of sobriety he has shown me. I caught myself saying that I am losing him. But the truth is that I never really had him. . . I am losing myself.
I have come to this website to re-learn how to pray for myself.
I came to this site to get information. I have two daughters (34/35) who are into drugs. Both have been in rehab and it seems like it has been of no help. I was married (still married, but have been separated for 3 years) to an alcoholic who left me for another woman who is also an alcoholic. My problem is that my daughters are out of control and I am just an enabler and cannot seem to find out how to stop. I am going to go to a meeting, but this web-site was very informative.
My parents drink a lot. They just drink and drink 24/7. I go to Al-Anon because of my parents.
My life’s unmanageability means that I think, in a distorted way, it’s dangerous to be me or just to let my mind and myself flourish. In Al-Anon I found out in an overwhelming way that my unmanageability made me think that if I let it go, something terribly dangerous could happen to me.
That simple, but somehow powerful, negative way of thinking had driven me to feeling kind of trapped, feeling really scared, almost constantly emotionally reacting - not in an outgoing way, in an ingoing way, though, inside my head and my heart.
Thank you, Al-Anon, for letting me share.
I’d like to see comments on “the silent treatment.” I am so tired of living this way. The mood swings really get to me. Returned to Al-Anon meetings recently. Sorry I ever stopped going. I pray for relief as I wait for my next meeting. I will phone my sponsor tomorrow. I hope I can find my way back to this website.
Wow, I stumbled onto this website somehow, and there in the words I am reading, is me! I am living a life much like the ones I am reading about! I can’t believe it!
Several months ago, my boyfriend of many long years ago, (when he and I were 15 years old), contacted me. I have not been in a meaningful relationship for 20 years and this man has really touched my heart. After several months of fun banter on the internet and phone, he came to visit me. We had a lovely time, but I suspected something was ‘wrong’, but was not sure what it was. There were several times on the phone, that I suspected ‘things’ were not right, but I did not want to believe that all was not well! It seemed like our meeting again after all these years was ‘fate’, such a wonderful gift. But now, it feels like torture!
He is an alcoholic, he knows it, he is not delusional about his disease. He has spent many hours, days, years, in both drunkeness and sobriety. He knows how the disease works. And he also knows the successes people have in AA, because he has had those also!
I feel he has come into my life for many reasons. I feel God allows that or even helps that to happen for our growth, learning, and understanding. I just wish I had all the answers right now. I am not a very patient person, so I guess that is one of the lessons I must learn. I want this man in my life, and then I want him to go away, because it’s too hard. He has made me realize how alcohol has effected my life, before he entered it. My grandfather, father, brother, nephew, cousins, all are alcoholics and or drug users.
I have recently started going to Al-Anon. It’s good, and I am grateful for the program. It’s just so painful right now. It’s hard. I feel numb, then sad and despairing. Thanks for letting me share.
My son is 37; his dad is an alcoholic. We are now divorced. My son has been in and out of treatment centres for the last 5 years, when he told me he had an addiction to cocaine. He was 11 months clean, living with my mom and me when we decided to co-sign for a car loan and furniture, as he was working and moved into his own apt. I am on a disability as well.
He has gone back to using and has left me with a 30 thousand dollar debt, and I have helped him with his rent. I am constantly worried about him. I have keys to his place. One night I slept there and came home because I was so sick. I went back there to clean his apt. He has no idea what I go through because his only desire is to get high. Last time I went over there I found empty cough medicine and Tylenol and Gravol bottles, that he takes all at once. He has been using and/or drinking since he was 15. I feel so helpless and I keep going to meetings and doing my Steps.
He has gone to A.A. in the past. I believe he also has a brain disorder, but I don’t know what came first–the addiction or the brain disorder. When he is well, he is so kind and considerate and as a mom I am so confused with this behavior of addiction that is so prevalent in the world today.
I know parents that have lost their children to addiction, and now the reality is that I may be one of those parents. His father basically abandoned our son, so there has been very little contact or none. I understand and do know that this disease only gets worse and is progressive, so he has lost everything and has sold all his clothes and has nothing. When he will hit bottom, I don’t know. I do know that I pray for him and he is in God’s hands. Yesterday I thought that if God does take him at least he will be in peace. I feel sick thinking these thoughts as a mom. Thanks for listening, and God bless.
It’s been years since I have been to a meeting, but I have to tell you, after 26 years of being married to a currently drinking alcoholic, it’s discouraging watching him slowly die now. He drinks himself into a frenzy, then sets out to eat every peice of sugar he can find in the house to “put him out,” as he calls it. I have learned over the years that I do what makes me happy. He is not abusive verbally or physically - just a “functioniing drunk”. It’s just sad now watching him slowly die, and he seems to be OK with it. I am glad he has found his peace–I will miss him. I give him 8-9 more years at best. I don’t mean to sound bitter–just sad.