What is the First Step in Al-Anon?
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Welcome to the last of six Al-Anon Family Group podcasts, especially recorded to introduce you to Al-Anon meetings. Future podcasts will introduce important Al-Anon topics.
Today’s participants will introduce themselves by their first name and tell us what the First Step in Al-Anon is. If they choose to, they may share what the Twelve Steps of Al-Anon have done for them.
65 comments
I am, as many have stated, thankful for the opportunity to read others’ stories. It helps to know none of us is alone.
My husband drank again tonight. I was able to differentiate between his rationalizations and reality. I know it is not my fault that he drinks. What I don’t know is whether I will stay around to see if this time he grows a little closer to accepting responsibility for his decision/action.
He says he drinks because he is angry or mad or hurt–of course, all my doing.
WOW. Reading all these posts, I am crying because so many of them relate to me and what I am going through. My husband of 17 years is an alcoholic. He has said he knows he drinks too much and he can control it, but that is a lie. We have been living like this for about 3 years now and he drinks every day. We have a teenage daughter and a 7 yr. old daughter.
His drinking has interrupted every living second of our lives, from where we go, who we are friends with, and things we do as a family–which have turned into none. Like many of you, I have tried everything to get him to stop. Only recently I have been doing a lot of reading. I am attending my first Al-Anon meeting this coming week, and doing an online one later today. We have not spoken in 4 days due to an incident that happened over the weekend, involving him being drunk, and I am starting to do my own things when he is home drinking. I try to go out with the girls, or when they go to bed, I go to bed early, instead of “entertaining” him. I am tired of the empty promises and I think I am ready to leave, but I am also scared.
This has happened before, and I always end up accepting his apologies, which I do believe are sincere, but he just does not know how to control it. He needs help and refuses to get it. When he is sober, he is a saint. We hardly have any friends because he doesn’t like visiting people who don’ t drink, and the few people we do know who don’t drink are considered “wierd” in his opinion. I am very depressed and he blames me for his drinking because he says I am always angry and upset. He says there is never a smile on my face and I always look like I’ve had a terrible day. He does not understand I feel this way because he keeps bringing me down. Him being away with my girls is what worries me because I’m afraid he will drink when they are with him, instead of doing things that normal fathers do with their children, like go to an amusement park, for example. My daughter is 15 and I am already afraid I have implanted in her mind that this is what normal families do.
My father was also an alcoholic and left my house when I was 10. Every time we would go out with him for the weekend, he would give us tons of money for the arcade, while he was probably outside having his beers. I did not realize it at the time, but now I know. I used to enjoy a glass of wine every now and then, but now I do not even want to have any at all. I am afraid I’m becoming paranoid that I, too, will become an alcoholic. It makes me so sad that I am happier when he is not around.
My son Bruce suffered with drug and alcohol abuse, from the time he was in his early teens until he hanged himself four years ago. At least a half dozen times he managed to sucessfully rehabitate himself and abstain from drug and alcohol abuse for a number of years. Bruce’s four page Criminal Offenders Record Information has 20 offenses listed that were mostly related to his drug and alcohol abuse.
The most devastating charge was for a 3rd OUI charge that was reduced and accepted by the court to 2nd OUI. This branded Bruce with an erroneous felony charge that prevented him from earning a livelihood. I have written a number of letters to many people in the Commonwealth of Massachussetts trying to blame them for Bruce’s death, but unconciously I believe that I’m really trying to avoid blaming myself or my late wife for Bruce’s death. I am almost 88 years old, but Bruce’s tragic death has certainly taken a lot out of me.
I am so worn out! I have been married to a marijuana (yes, pot is addictive) addict for 15 years. He smokes all day long – gets up crabby, smokes happy, crashes-crabby, smokes-happy all day long and it is making him crazy. He is underemployed, critical of me all the time, withdrawn, yelling, SCREAMING, clenching his fists, blaming me for his tantrums, tells me all the time that I am trying to be better than him.
I work two jobs and then he wonders why I am bitter, not affectionate and only want to be with the kids when I get home. His teeth are rotting out of his head, he dresses like a bum, washes the dishes “for me” and thinks that he is extremely active. He tells me about the “hot blonde” who is 20 years younger than me and I am brunette and says it is my fault the way he looks because I don’t act sexy for him or towards him. I KNOW I am not in control of this and I just pray that God as I know him will help me find my way out and protect my kids. Thank you.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 20 years and I grew up with my father, a hard alcoholic all his short life. Same as everyone else, I knew the signs and have dealt with all the problems. I do not like to drink more than a few times a year, so I am the taxi and care-taker. I am so drained from it and just over it. I so want my marriage to be over, but I feel trapped here because of our children.
My husband, unlike some of the other stories I have read, is a great provider and truly loves us . He’s just very sick and is controlled by this disease. I feel powerless and overwhelmed and am truly at a loss. I just want to walk away from all of this. I am going to try and find a meeting for myself, or some help.
It does help to read others’ stories that they found help and feel better. I pray that I get some peace soon. I am so tired of putting to bed a drunk, or checking to see if he is breathing.
I don’t know if I am in the right spot, but I can’t take it anymore. I am 32 years old and my father has been an alcoholic since he was 15 years old. He is now 57 and I believe I will donate his body to science when he dies because I can’t believe he’s still alive!!!
He has throat cancer and lung cancer and has just undergone tratment for 7 weeks of chemo and radiation. The whole time he has been drinking, not eating. Imagine that!!
When he got too sick, he would drink through a straw. He drinks staight vodka every day until he passes out. Then he wakes up and does it again. Just today he was found in my sister’s bathroom in a pool of blood. He fell and split open his head and was bleeding to death from his head wound.
Luckily my sister came home and found him before it was too late, or maybe not so lucky. He then went to the hospital to find out he is bleeding internally, again, and has a blood alcohol content 8 times the legal limit. The doctor said if we had that content we would be in a coma!!!
I am only 18 years old. My father was an alcoholic. He used to emotionally and physically abuse my mother and I. After they were married for 14 years, they split up. I lived with my father just to stay in the same school with my friends. Then 3 years later my grandmother passed, and my father’s drinking got so bad I couldn’t even live with him, so I moved in with my mother.
After I finished my last year of high school in a new school, I moved in with my 26-year-old boyfriend. I knew he drank but I didn’t know how bad it was until I moved in with him. Now it’s like living with my father all over again, but worse. I’m in love with this alcoholic and I haven’t had the strength to let him go. He fights with me every other night, calls me fat, ugly, and other degrading things, and he also tells me that I’m the reason my grandmother passed away. When he says those things I just act like it doesn’t bother me, but of course it does–even though I know he’s drunk and doesn’t mean what he is saying.
He also enjoys kicking me out of our apartment. And if I don’t leave, he threatens to break all my things and throw them in the dumpster, so I call my mother, balling my eyes out and she comes and picks me up and I cry myself to sleep. Then the next morning, stupid me goes right back to him, every single time. I don’t understand why I put up with this crap. I know I deserve better then to live like this. I know it’s not my fault that he does this, but it still feels like it is my fault–because that’s what I learned growing up.
This time the morning after the fight I let myself in with my key, that he didn’t know I had, and tried to talk to him about what happened the night before. But of course he was still drunk. Then the phone rings and he’s talking to one of his friends. I grab his 1.75 liter bottle of raspberry vodka (which I may add was half gone at 11am) and ran to the corner store to call my mother. Later he realizes that I took his bottle and his ATM card (my name is on that account too) and says that if I don’t bring them back he’s going to kill himself, so I call the police while I’m on my way to the apartment and the police bring him to the hospital. The officer tells me that they won’t let him out until he’s sober.
So, I’m in my apartment picking up the pieces to my broken guitar that he smashed, finding the ripped up pieces to my high school diploma, and who comes home? Yep, he does. He was obviously not sober so I have no clue how he got out of the hospital. He’s mad because I’m home trying to put things back together, and he didn’t want me in the apartment because I got him “arrested” (he wasn’t really arrested, he was brought to the hospital). So I grab the phone, call my mom, then I grab the keys he threw on the floor and go to my neighbors.
I call the police once again (they have been there two times that day already and it’s only about 4pm) and when they arrive I tell them that he broke my guitar and ripped up my diploma. Then they ask “Well, did you see him do it?” NO, I DIDN’T _______ SEE HIM DO IT BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM. SO NOW SINCE I DIDN’T SEE HIM BREAK MY STUFF I CAN’T PRESS CHARGES! WHICH IS STUPID! But I’m going to section 35 him with his mother as soon as the courthouse opens on Monday and he’s going back to the Men’s Addiction Treatment Center, and this time I’m telling him that if he loves me he’s going to stay sober this time, because as soon as he takes that first sip of an alcoholic beverage, I’m packing all my things and I will be moving on with my life.
I know I shouldn’t even go back to him ever again, but I need to know that I tried and that I gave him one last chance to change for me. I am finally putting my common welfare first! I realize, sadly, that I am not in control and I never was. I never really wanted to be in control. I just want a man in my life who could handle that responsibility of being in control. I just need a man to prove to me that not all men are like my father. I need a man to prove to me that a family can stay together and be happy. I need a man in my life to prove to me that alcoholics can stop drinking. I’ve never had a man in my life that has showed me that.
God, grant me the SERENITY to
accept the things I cannot change;
COURAGE to change the things I can;
and WISDOM to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it:
Trusting that He will make all things
right if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen
I did not grow up with alcoholics but our grandparents and great grandparent drank, according to the stories. I do not know about the stories, I only know that I live as if I grew up that way. Scared of anger, stuffing my feelings, scared all the time, trying to control people’s reactions, perfectionistic, always scared I am about to get in trouble. And I am 39 years old.
I spend a lot of time trying to figure out the past – if I had been nicer, sweeter, calmer, more patient, more affectionate, then… my parents would have been what I wanted/loved me more. It is crazy making. And I have not stopped yet.
I hope that I will reach out to a sponsor and I hope that it will work.
I’m not sure I am in the right spot, but here I am. My boyfriend of over a year is currently in rehab. I find that he pushes me away and often avoids talking to me. I feel lost, confused and hurt. He is able to come home on visits, but chooses not to. He does, however, spend a lot of time out with people from the program.
I can’t help but to feel rejected, and my everyday life is spent worrying about him and where I stand in his life. During our relationship, my boyfriend only drank in the beginning and has been sober for at least 8 months. He has a DWI that he is dealing with and this was part of his decision to go to rehab. I wonder how I find the strength to stay strong and not push him to see me, if this is normal and if it will get better.
OK, here I go again. 46, my dad has been sober for 1 year. He was not working a program, only going to church. I just started having a phone relationship with him, as he lives out of state. Thank God!
My mother left him, she doesn’t work a program either. The last time he got sober, it was because my family changed their reaction to him and stopped talking to him and refused to be a part of his life. Now I’m the only one not talking to him and everyone else forgot the rules. I struggle with guilt for not returning calls, but I know he should be the one riddled with guilt.
I want to call and yell at him and let him know why I’m not talking to him, but how many times do I have to explain that? So, I’m keeping my boundaries and not calling and not having a relationship, unless he starts to work a program. I can’t make him be sober, but I don’t have to talk to him even though my mother says, “I understand, but he’s your father.” I’ve done lots of work for myself and I have a beautiful relationship with a caring man. How could I fall back into this guilt pattern?
The meeting I was going to go to is not there tonight.
Thanks, I needed this. Good luck to all of you. You are in my prayers tonight.
I’m SarahMarie. I’m a newlywed and have been married to an alcoholic for almost 6 months now. We’ll be together for 3 years if we make it, in December. It’s getting harder and harder. I now realize sadly I am not in control and never was. I never wanted to be. I just wanted a husband who could be.
I lied to myself. My girlfriend told me about Al-Anon. I just looked up the closest resource, if I can make it this long I can make it till Monday. I should have known better. I’m 30 and successful no matter what I do. I didn’t expect this no matter what I thought I knew. He loves me when he’s sober. He thinks I’m better than him when he’s not. He wants kids someday soon, I don’t. His sobriety ups and downs tell me WE shouldn’t. I can’t feel too bad, from what I read, it’s probably best.
I feel for all those above who have shared and cried as much and more than I have. I’m lost. I’ve been depressed lately and I thought it was all me. I know it is not true, no matter how much I tell myself it is. I am not to blame. No one is. I met my husband at a bar. I use to like to drink the usual cocktail. It is no fun anymore. I have to go away from him to try to enjoy ONE and it isn’t enjoyable at that. It makes me bitter.
My girlfriends are very supportive. Anyone who loves you will be. I’m grateful for their ears and arms. Please don’t give up hope, no matter how long you have been in it. You are better than it. You DO DESERVE BETTER THAN IT, HIM , HER, ANYTHING YOU’VE GOTTEN FROM IT. I pray for a miracle. I will start praying for all of you above and those to come. God Bless!
I am a mother of a 21-yr-old heroin addict. He went to an inpatient rehab, then sober living home and was clean for 9 months. When he left the sober house, he rented an apartment with one of the boys from the sober house. He relapsed after 2 weeks, was sent back to inpatient rehab and is now living in a sober house in Maine. He is going to return home in 2 weeks and I know my life is going to change!
I don’t want to walk on egg shells around him and I want to trust him, but I am not sure if I can. I have two other children at home who are younger and I want a happy home. I am not sure how to handle him when he comes home, i.e. curfew etc. I don’t want to worry every time he goes out that he is going to get high. I don’t want to suspect him every time he goes out either.
Well I, like all of you, have lived the same as you all. I have had two marriages to alcoholics. Tried every trick to get my husband to stop. Dumped out booze, filled booze bottles with juice etc. None of my attempts to control him have made him stop. Outpatient. He is using 3 to 4 times a week still and in treatment.
I feel I am better. I am definitely powerless over alcohol, husband, whatever word I need to put in. I attend Al-Anon when work allows me to. Not nearly enough. Am so glad I found this site to read and share on. My kids are definitely suffering. I need to take care of myself. By doing this will show by example our lives can change and get better.
I MUST KEEP IN CONSTANT CONTACT WITH MY HIGHER POWER. THANKS TO ALL FOR SHARING AND GIVING ME STRENTGH AND HOPE. Peace and Love
I feel so alone where I live. A small town with drinking a way of life. My husband and I have been married for nineteen years, with the last ten his drinking has gotten really bad. My parents and one brother are recovering alcoholics so I guess I am living in a fish bowl. Always trying to do the right thing or say the right thing so he won’t drink. Now my three kids are living the same life I did growing up. I swore if I had kids they wouldn’t have this life.
My husband only drank socially when we married so I thought I had made a safe decision for myself, now I live waffling between guilt and depression. I love him but can’t change him, but that doesn’t change the fact that he blames me one minute then tells me it’s his fault. He says if I just would change this way or that, that he wouldn’t drink as much. I tried, but he still drank.
Alcohol makes me physically sick so I don’t drink very often, maybe a drink once every two months or so, therfore I end up being a taxi for him. I have started refusing to go anywhere with him, but our friends don’t understand and give me a hard time. That makes him feel like he is wanted and I am standing in his way. I know I need help but I don’t know if I can handle the truth right now. I want to!
I am a recovering addict. In 1997, with 5 years clean, I fell in love, head over heels, totally in love, with another addict in recovery. We were married in 1998. Three/four years later, he relapsed and has not been able to stay clean since. In 2006 I left him and have never been more miserable in my life. In 2008 I relapsed on alcohol. Fifteen years clean — gone. The end of August this year I will celebrate 2 years clean again but I am still miserable. The pain, the heartache feels as fresh as it did in the beginning. I miss him, I feel like a part of me is missing. But, I finally filed for a divorce this past March. I don’t know where he is — other than living on the streets somewhere. My NA sponsor suggested I look into attending some Al- Anon meetings in the area. As it is said, “When the pain gets great enough…!!” I hope & pray it helps. I’ve got to do something. My mother died last July and I lost my job in March. So far I’ve managed to stay clean, but I know if I don’t do something different I won’t stay clean. In the beginning I thought Jon was God’s gift to me for what I had survived in life. Now I don’t understand why that gift was taken away from me. Please say some prayers for me. Thank you.