Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?

Published by at 10:58 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members if they ever thought the drinking would stop if the drinker really loved them.

How to locate a meeting


108 comments on “Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?”

  1. angie says:

    We’ve been married 10 yrs and my husband has been using drugs and alcohol. He has been convicted 3 times. Because of these, we moved to another state, where he got 2 convictions. After all these, the only thing he has changed is drinking and driving, because he has one of those interlock systems. He still drinks in the house and uses drugs.

    We have 2 small children and I know he is sick and he needs help. However, he does not see it like that. I’ve been waiting for him to change. He is a good person when he wants to be, but I need to think about our children. When he drinks and does drugs, he gets agressive and this just makes everything worse.

    I feel bad for him, but I feel even worse for me and my kids. I am tired and honestly I really don’t feel the same way I used to. I really need to get away from him, and I know this for sure. My only worry is that he will get worse when we leave, but how can we stay with him under this circumstances? I see a lot of people that change, but how much time do I have to wait, and also I don’t see him trying to stop doing this.

  2. Khosie says:

    He beats me in front of my son and I beat him back. My son was trying to separate us, but he continued beating me with no shame.

  3. Shel says:

    I am 23 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for a year and 3 months. Getting into this relationship I knew he had baggage, but I liked him so much I accepted it. He is a veteran and with that said he has experienced many things and seen many things. He is affected by PTSD.

    I am at the point where I don’t know what to do. Every time I think he’s doing good and that he’s on his way to being sober, I come home to him drunk or him coming home drunk. I’m still with him because I love him. It hurts. He wants help, yet when he gets it he turns around and goes back to square one. I hate it, because he’s a great stepfather to my boys.

  4. Anon says:

    My boyfriend likes alcohol. He knows that I don’t like it. I don’t like it because I have post traumatic stress from previous alcoholic experiences. He knows that seeing him drunk hurts me. He keeps telling me that he will never do it again, but he carries on over and over breaking his promises. He doesn’t mind upsetting me for alcohol. He stays out till early parts of the morning drinking. I’m a strong independent lady but that doesn’t shield me from the weakness of love. I want to walk away but don’t know how.

  5. Sally says:

    I have been involved with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is 44 years old and an alcoholic. He is currently without a driver’s license due to drinking. I tried to help him pay his license fees only to find out he has charges in another state. No license, no job, no credit and no bank account.

    There has always been another woman in the picture who he says he wants to leave so he can be with me. I am a widow and he helps me with home repairs. I recently gave him $200 cash, which he claims he lost.

    I used my Walmart credit card to buy clothing and items for his son who was getting out of jail – $135. His son got in more trouble and he returned the items for store credit. No idea what he purchased with store credit – probably beer and smokes.

    The other woman is a widow and has used her deceased husband’s life insurance to support the man we share. I need to get out of this relationship before he shows up at my door. I have no family close by and have had a few dates which have not worked out very well. He checks my cell phone and computer to see what I am doing. Wish me luck in making a break.

  6. Jay says:

    When we met, my boyfriend was more of a social drinker and had a beer here and there. Now 3 years later he is heavy into drinking. He buys like 4-8, nips at least 6 days out of the week (the 100 proof Smirnoff), sometimes on top of a beer or two. He is a very angry drunk and likes to fight with me and call me out.

    He’s promised to stop and cried for me not to leave. In fact, 2 days ago we fought badly and when he sobered up in the morning he said he would never drink again because our relationship is worth more than alcohol. He’s now been drinking for the past two days. I too cry myself to sleep. I know I’m stronger and smarter than this, but I guess I’m in denial because what we had before he started drinking was so real. I just hide my emotions now.

  7. Gaby says:

    Wow, this is so similar to what I’m going through. I’m 19 years old myself, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months. He’s 23. He has been drinking since he was 16, and it got really bad. Then there was a period where he had stopped and was only having a casual beer every now and then, and that’s when he met me. But then things started getting really bad in the past two months for him, causing him to become an alcoholic again.

    He has a horrible temper, which I’ve seen. He also never laid a hand on me, but these two things together accompanied by his troubled past are really making me think and hurt, because I don’t want to lose him. My parents, who once wanted to get to know him, want nothing to do with him.

    I love him, I recognize these red flags. He knows he has an issue and it’s hurting me, but this is a real disease and he truly believes he needs the stuff when even he knows it only makes his and my pain worse. I know he loves me, and as much as I try to blame the disease and not him, a part of me wishes he could just realize how much he’s hurting everyone around him and stop. I’m at a loss of wondering what to do.

    I’m floundering for my relationship at this point because we were so perfect before all this came crashing down. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep wondering where we went wrong.

  8. Cee says:

    I am 19 years old, my boyfriend is 20. We have been together for already 1 year and 5 months. Yes, we are young and we do live together. We made huge mistakes, which has landed us in the position to be living with each other. But I do not care, because I love him to death.

    He and I grew up completely different, which makes me believe that this will affect us more and more because it has. He lost a loved one when he was 17, going on 18, and has been drinking since then. He says that’s the reason why, but do I believe him. There are other ways to deal with pain that are healthy, but chooses not to take my advice on it, even before we were together.

    He is the party type of person and I definitely was not, still am not. He has changed so much and people don’t like it and I just think that it’s affecting him more and more because he’s living like a married man (which is what others say), could care less, but now that he and I have gotten in the worse arguments than ever before, it’s really making me think.

    He doesn’t lay a hand on me, but says the most hurtful things, which hurts so badly that I would rather be hit by a truck just because I think it would hurt less. He takes advantage of a “few beers” when I say it’s okay because he hasn’t drank in a while, but then he wants to stay longer at wherever he’s drinking. I just don’t even know if it’s going to stop, but all I can do is pray and pray and hope that he can realize what I’m saying. At this point, I’m feeling so lost and the last thing I want to do is lose him because of alcohol. I hate it so much.

Leave a Comment

[Do not use your full name]