Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?

Published by at 10:58 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members if they ever thought the drinking would stop if the drinker really loved them.

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180 comments on “Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?”

  1. Julie says:

    My husband is an alcoholic. I knew it before I married him 4 months ago. He is not abusive or mean or any of the things I’ve read here. He is actually sometimes more affectionate when he drinks.

    He was so bad he nearly lost his job. We put him into a 5 day detox and he is better, but still drinks every day. Not while at work and now only beer. But today I found 2 shots of vodka in his pocket and he admitted he has drank at work again.

    I am so scared he will lose his job. And I am worried about him. The doc says his liver enzymes are high. He can’t keep going like he is or he will die. I love him, but I wonder if tough love is the best route, or just letting him go.

  2. OSF says:

    I have decided to end it with my partner after 1.5 years. It’s one of the hardest things I have to do. I have given him loads of chances.

    On Friday night, we were supposed to go out. I found 18 empty bottles of vodka, hidden. He became abusive towards me and I did not feel safe. He grabbed my arm behind my back and was roaring and shouting.

    He is a great, intelligent, kind man when he is sober. I always believe him when he apologizes — “Next time it will be better. I will make it up to you. I want to stop drinking.”

    Heartbroken beyond belief, but know it’s the right thing in the long term.

  3. Erin says:

    Four months ago, I began seeing a wonderful man and we fell insanely in love with each other. He has always been so kind and has treated me so well. He showered me with attention, compliments, gifts, wonderful surprises. Our relationship has always been healthy and we communicate well.

    We wanted to get married and had planned on meeting his parents. He, however, binge-drinks about twice, maybe three times a week. Sometimes he will have all-night drinking marathons and sleep all day until he has to go to work. If he’s stressed and overwhelmed, he will drink more often.

    This was always a concern to me, but I wanted to ignore the problem because everything else was so perfect. Per his idea, we went vegetarian, and he made small changes in his drinking habits. Started smoking less, cut out the liquor and only drank beer.

    He got very drunk one night and broke up with me, saying he didn’t feel like he was good enough or could do anything right. He became remorseful and we decided to work it out.

    We had a long talk. Laid everything out, and all seemed to be going wonderfully. I gave him the coming-to-Jesus talk about his drinking and how it impacts our relationship and future together. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable, but admitted he drinks too much and that it’s bad for him. He agreed to not do the after-hours drinking anymore, to see a therapist, and cut way back overall. I told him that if he can’t control his drinking, he shouldn’t drink anymore, and get help.

    He agreed. We spent the night together. In the morning, he said that he just can’t do it anymore and that he resents me for asking him to stop. He has cut off contact and refuses to tell me what we both know — he can’t stop and he’s backing out.

    I feel like I lost the person I was going to spend my life with to drinking. I’m afraid of what it will take for him to make the decision to stop. I’m terrified that he won’t. I miss him so much it tears me to shreds.

  4. Dissapointed and Confused says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 months now. We met dancing salsa. We hit it off so well. We have so much in common. He makes me laugh, he loves me for being me, and I am just so comfortable with him, except when he’s drinking.

    He has been drinking a lot lately. He lost his job due to going out and drinking and being late. He barely passed his classes his last semester of college and has one class left. I am 26 and have a stable job and am getting my masters and he is currently jobless, living at a friend’s house because his family got evicted from their apartment, and he is 30 years old.

    The last time I went drinking with him, that was the day I quit drinking for myself. He upset me so much to the point that I can’t even look at any alcohol without getting anxiety and nauseated. He calls me names when he is drunk and then says he’s never going to do it again.

    It’s so annoying because I did him a huge favor and went to pick him up across the border because his license is suspended due to a ticket. Oh, and he’s also had 2 prior DUI’s. About two months ago, something happened and he scraped his face up so badly. I don’t know what else to do at this point. I told him that he needs help, and he agreed, yet when I brought it up again, he got upset.

    I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through this because he has so much potential. I recently found out that he is traumatized from a prior relationship and had met me when he was already in this drinking phase. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad because he is an angel when he’s not drinking, but I don’t see this stopping any time soon. I don’t know what to do :(

  5. Jessica says:

    I thought I was alone. I am a fairly attractive 24-year-old student teacher. I have options, as many of my friends and family will remind me. Everyone’s answer when I try to talk about the alcoholic in my life is to simply leave him. But it’s never that easy. How can I forget the hope that man gave me when I met him? How can I just abandon my dreams of all that we could share? He used to seem so moral and strong. How can I just forget that?

    Well, short answer, I’m sick with his disease now too. But maybe I have finally found the help I need. I’m tired of wanting to jump off the BB&T building because I can’t fix him, and because I always believe the empty promises of proposals and a new sober life that never comes. I just want to be happy and feel secure. I don’t remember what that feels like and I know this is because there are things that I need to work on myself.

  6. Leanne W says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. We started drinking together many nights a week after work. We both have decent jobs. I managed to get a DUI a year ago and knew way before that I should stop drinking. This was a huge blessing in disquise. Huge fights, no money and black outs.

    I have now been sober a year and have tried to get my other half to stop drinking. A lot of time I don’t know where he is and he tells me lies about where he’s going. He’s not cheating on me. He’s having an affair with alcohol. It is part of every day after work. He gets into town from work and 3 to 5 hours later, stumbles into the house.

    I, through my own addiction, have discovered that control was a huge road block to getting better. I cannot change him. I am helpless when it comes to that. I can’t handle the lies and obnoxious attitude. My problem is letting go. I need to let go. He will not get better with my help, but maybe with tough love when I walk away. I know he loves me, but not enough to keep me here in this predicament.

  7. Sarah says:

    I do not want to admit to myself or to my community that my boyfriend has a drinking problem.

    I met him at a bar, and at that time I was doing well for myself. I exercised, ate right, barely smoked — had two jobs. I started to party with him, and lost both jobs because I couldn’t juggle partying and working.

    He drank almost every night to oblivion. When his daughter was around, he drank less but he still drank.

    Almost two years later, I have a great consistent job. He drinks less than he did when I first met him, but he still drinks.

    When he drinks, he’s hard to talk to. He repeats questions and I have to repeat myself over and over again.

    When we are out, I always worry about him driving home drunk — without a license, because of his DUI that he stopped going to classes for.

    When he’s not recovering from the night before, he is having a drink. For him, he always makes excuses for why he’s drinking and I let it slide.

    Or I nag him, which he says makes him drink more.

    I don’t want to break up with him, but I am so angry and bitter and unhappy. Living a life with him is total chaos. I tell him I am done all the time, and he says that I bitch too much. I question myself all the time: do I have the nagging problem, or does he have a drinking one?

    I am very confused and very sad and very lonely. He is out at a bar right now, while I am sitting home alone. I don’t want to be done, but I am so tired.

  8. Sarah says:

    Alcohol has been a defining theme throughout my entire life — first (and still) my dad, now my husband. I wish I had the resources then that I have now to have researched and understood alcoholism and specifically the children of alcoholics. If I had, maybe I would have realized my susceptibility toward falling for an alcoholic. Maybe I would have realized when I met him 22 years ago, that he was already on his way to becoming an alcoholic. Maybe I would’ve never married my husband. What an awful thing to say. What an even worse thing to feel.

    I love my husband, desperately. But every day I sit and secretly wonder what my life might be like if I had fallen in love with a sober person. Maybe I wouldn’t have the nice house, or the nice car. Maybe I couldn’t afford the vacations we take and maybe I wouldn’t be able to be a stay-at-home mom. There would be a lot I might not have. But I might at least have the peace that I long for. And that desire seems to be getting stronger and stronger all the time. Then I feel guilty when I realize that he has given me the one thing that has made all of my pain and anxiety so far worth it — our children.

    My husband is a great provider and a pretty great dad. And when he’s not drinking, he’s a wonderful husband. To be honest, even when he is drinking, he’s a good husband. Well, at least compared to some, I guess.

    He’s never been violent with me. He doesn’t call me names or belittle me. We do have some heated arguments, though, which always end up with me feeling guilty and hopeless. So I try not to bring up the drinking at all. Especially if he’s already had a few. It only ends up with me in tears, crying myself to sleep. Unfortunately, it’s gotten to the point that he’s drinking almost every night, anywhere from 12 – 24 beers a night, so there’s never really a good time to discuss it at all anymore. Not that it’s ever done any good anyway, but still I keep wanting to talk to him, to tell him how much it hurts me, how embarrassing it is to me, how the sound of him crushing yet another empty beer can makes me cringe. How smelling it on him sometimes makes me physically ill. I keep hoping he’ll realize that he’s slowly losing me and that for once, for this one person, I’ll be enough.

    I wasn’t enough for my dad. I know it’s a disease, but my heart can’t stop believing that if I was worthy, my dad would’ve stopped drinking. I wasn’t enough for him, but I truly thought I would be enough for my husband. I want someone to love me so much that they can’t bear the thought of hurting me.

    My children are getting older now and although they’ve never mentioned his drinking, I can see that they are beginning to react to it in subtle ways. And it hurts so much, because although I was much younger when my dad crossed the line into full blown alcoholism, I remember all too clearly the anger, the frustration, and the embarrassment that I believe they are just now beginning to feel. I can’t stop their dad from drinking, but I can save them the anxiety of living with an alcoholic. It’s a feeling that I’ve lived with since I was 5 or 6 years old. It’s never left me since that time and if I stay with my husband much longer, it will probably be the thing that kills me. I don’t want that for my children.

    Unfortunately, I’m a year from being able to leave, at least. I need to work on building a career for myself so that I can support myself and our children. I need to have some money put aside that is not in our joint account so that when the time comes, I can be ready to rent a place of our own. I need to be ready to explain to my children why we’re leaving.

    They’ll be shocked. They have no idea there are any problems with us at all. At this point, even my husband probably thinks I’m finally ok with his drinking. At the very least, he has no idea that I’m planning on leaving him. I put on a really good face and pretend to be happy because a year of fighting seems worthless.

    But tonight, a year seems like a lifetime.

  9. Jill says:

    So glad I found this page. It helps to not feel so alone — because I am. We recently moved away from my family to live in a mining town. The plan is/was to cash in so we can buy our own home in a few years. I am now in the middle of nowhere. With zero support around me. Not a single person I can talk to. I’m currently a stay-at-home mum (getting back into work really soon), so haven’t a cent to my name.

    My fiancé has always had a bad relationship with alcohol but has been able to ‘control’ it over the last few years. Since moving last week (big regrets now!), he has gone through 2 boxes of beer, countless bourbon cans, wine etc. He thinks it’s no big deal.

    He had promised (ha) me that he was working on his health. Eating healthy, exercising, no more drinking. When he walked in the door last week with a box of beer and a 4-pack of bourbans I said, “I thought you weren’t drinking anymore!” Well, he cracked it. Because he doesn’t have a problem with alcohol. And he works hard so deserves it. And it’s hot. It was a hard day and he just wants to relax. I’m so over it.

    He tries to control me and has a way of turning things around on me. Sometimes it works. I’m a well-educated woman, how am I letting this happen? He’s very manipulative.

    I guess I always try to see the good in people. I’m a helper. A fixer. Except I can’t fix him. I want to talk to him properly about it. But I won’t do it when he’s drinking — it seems even one drink is enough to change him. Plus, I won’t do it in front of our 1-year-old, but I have no one to mind her.

    I’m sure he has depression, I’m sure he’s a narcissist. He complains about our lack of intimacy. Sorry, a slob who burps, farts, swears, stinks of alcohol, who is drunk is not attractive to me at all. But if I explain that, he turns it around on me. It’s my fault that intimacy is no longer present. He works hard all day to pay the bills, you know.

    Money is a huge thing. A few years ago we lived in a similar place where our pays were fantastic. He acknowledges that he drank the money away. It wouldn’t be like that this time, though. He’s a dad now, with goals. Bull.

    Last night I asked if he’d like me to make a quinoa salad for dinner tonight (a meal he’s said he liked before). “How much is quinoa? We’re trying to save, remember?” So pretty much I can’t spend $10 on something healthy for the family that will last many meals, but he can spend hundreds on alcohol every week.

    I feel like I’m just about ready to leave, but have so much to consider. I definitely don’t want this to be my daughter’s ‘normal.’ But what I do, what I say to him, how many chances I give him, I don’t know.

  10. Bella says:

    My story is basically similar to all of your stories — I currently live with/am married to an alcoholic. He’s quite a high-functioning alcoholic. We’ve been together for over 20 years & married for 12 years. We have three adorable children; 7, 5 & 4 years of age. Yes, I knew he was very fond of alcohol before we married, & envisioned a problem. Although I didn’t want to face it & justified by thinking he would outgrow it, change over time, step up to his responsibilities of having a family, a mortgage to pay, his dream home blah, blah, blah. Boy, was I wrong! If anything, he’s become much worse.

    I am aware that alcohol is a progressive disease — however, wholeheartedly believe that I have enabled him for years. Why? That, I’m still trying to understand. All of the reasons why I’ve allowed this unhealthy relationship to continue for so long will unfold in time, as I soon begin to work on myself.

    There are many differences in my story. One is that this is the second time I’ve been in long & serious relationship with an alcoholic/addict. I’ve recently realised that it’s been easier for me to blame him & my ex (yes, I also see the pattern). Another difference is that my husband is not the abusive one — I am.

    On top of that, he isn’t at all violent (not like my ex!). He seems to have an excessively high tolerance to alcohol; as he fails to slur his words, stumble, suffer from blackouts. Even though he drinks at least a bottle of vodka a night + some extra spirit mixers or wine whenever he can. However, he does wreak of alcohol, he is excessively overweight, his personality changes, he is more argumentative & confused, he suffers from memory loss (but doesn’t admit to it), his liver is obviously suffering, he has an unmanageable life (works, but is very disorganised), continues to make empty promises, etc. I could go on & on, but you all know the symptoms.

    Basically, alcohol is taking him hostage & it’s just about to kick him in the groin. Yes, I’m taking action – & if you can’t tell already, I’m really excited about it. Life is too short & I’m not wasting any more time in denial.

    I see the light. I’m moving forward, no matter how scared I feel at times. I’ll cry myself to sleep every night for a while, but with each new day without him I’ll become stronger — I’ll find me again.

    Happiness is just around the corner for me. And, yes, I’m scared & yes, my kids are going to suffer & yes, my hub will also suffer, but hey what’s the alternative — stay living in this miserable situation in a nice house, with a comfortable lifestyle? No way. I’m going to be a single mum & I’m going to be poor, but I’ll be rich in my health & happiness. That’s the only way forward for me. Advice to self: Don’t look back; you’ve been down that road before.

  11. shmrd says:

    My (ex?)-boyfriend of a year and eight months is a low-bottom alcoholic. He has been drinking for three decades, has lost jobs, been kicked out of school, been homeless, arrested and in jail many times, had health problems — like extremely high liver enzymes and throwing up blood, and when he goes to the hospital to detox every month or so, his blood alcohol level is high enough to kill a person, or at least put them in a coma.

    He’s almost been killed because of alcohol on occasions, like chipping a tooth when he fell while drunk, and another time stumbling in front of a speeding fire engine! He’s burned bridges with friends, and now is losing me.

    I’m tired of the merry-go-round, tired of dealing with abusive words when he’s too inebriated to have a normal conversation, etc. Yet, he still won’t go to A.A. And he knows that A.A. helps because he’s done it before!

    Lately, he thinks that smoking pot will save him from drinking, but he keeps picking up anyway. But I know that there’s nothing I can do about his recovery, only mine. So I will keep going to Al-Anon because it helps me. God help me if I go back to him again! I love him, but I have to love myself more.

  12. Olivia says:

    Married 22 years. My husband and I used to party all the time as young single adults. He comes from alcoholic parents and I come from a family with alcohol abuse from grandparents.

    Over the past 5 years I’ve noticed the drinking was getting severe and it was not uncommon to find him drunk early in the a.m. We have kids. We have careers. Every school vacation or holiday vacation for the past few years have been ruined with his drinking.

    I don’t even want to host holiday events. I would like to cancel Christmas and if it weren’t for the kids I would. Last summer I had him taken away by ambulance because he was so drunk he was lashing out, demanding alcohol but too drunk to get any himself. These week-long binges occur approximately every three-to-four weeks. He will just drink until he is lying in bed groaning in pain because “his guts hurt.” I’ve found him passed out in his own puke in my bedroom, his nose bleeds and makes a mess of my bed and bathroom.

    Back a couple of months ago, he was out driving and got into an accident and had no recollection of the driving, he was so drunk. He managed to sober up for 10 weeks and recently during his week-long binge passed out in the road and fractured his skull. We have two kids to put through college — I could really use that $20,000 toward their education, not legal and hospital fees.

    It is so frustrating. Even after this recent near-death experience, he tells me he still plans on drinking — he thinks he can be a casual drinker.

    I feel so helpless. He is seeing a therapist and I understand there are relapses, falling off the wagon. I really wish someone would get it through his thick skull that he no longer is able to handle any alcohol.

  13. Beth says:

    My boyfriend is a “functioning” alcoholic. He is kind and funny on one end, but has to have at least 6 beers every single day after work with his buddies at the bar and can’t go the weekend without trips to the bar too. He neglects the emotional needs of his daughter and has started to neglect our relationship too.

    Last week I told him how much I don’t like it when he shows up at my apartment drunk and tries to treat me like a booty call. He had promised to come over to my apartment last Wednesday for a nice dinner I cooked him, but never showed up. He had spent four hours after work drinking with his buddies at the bar and forgot about coming over to my place. I cried as I blew out the candles I had so carefully placed on the table and hurt inside as I put the cold uneaten food in the fridge. Of course, being a functional alcoholic, he had tears in his eyes as he told me how sorry he was the next day.

    When I’m babysitting his 11-year-old daughter, she tells me how much she doesn’t like it that her dad goes to the bar after work instead of coming home and spending time with her. I’m starting to realize that I do not want him to be a stepfather to my three sons, because of his drinking.

    I did not allow him to come over to my apartment tonight, because I knew he had been at the bar with his buddies drinking again. I thought long and hard about it and I think I’m going to break up with him tomorrow. There is no way that I can have a healthy future with an alcoholic who doesn’t want to get help. Just because he has a great personality and a good job doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a problem. I love him very very much because in a lot of ways he has been kind to me, but I can’t overlook the alcoholism in his life.

  14. James says:

    I’ve been with my partner 2-3 years now. Known her for 8 years. Always got drunk off 2 glasses of wine. Now she regularly drinks 5-6 bottles a week and has done so for 2 years. I don’t know what to do.

    Had many arguments, as I love her dearly. We have children from past relationships and she has been in abusive ones in the past. Her mother and siblings are all alcoholics. Not sure what to do.

  15. Amber says:

    I have been in a two-and-a-half year relationship, living together a year and a half. Recently with his last drunk episode he broke up with me. It hasn’t even been a week apart. At his point I did not argue, just left and have been moving my things out as this is not an isolated incident. He has been verbally abusive and has pushed and shoved me.

    Our relationship is very loving and functional without alcohol. There is good communication and teamwork. Being that we are in our mid 20s, a lot of our mutual friends drink. For a long time we decided to put distance between his friends, so he could stay on track. Recently they have all made amends and I did not want to keep him from his friends. Since then, he has been on a downward spiral. He struggles with what I believe to be bi-polar disorder. I know he self-medicates.

    My problem is I still love this man very much. I want to be a supportive person in his life, but at what cost? He has made empty promises. I have always forgiven him the next day. This has been the first time I have kept no contact. He seems apologetic and doesn’t want me to leave. I just don’t know whether to tell him that I’d consider giving him another chance if he quit drinking, or if it is hopeless altogether.

  16. sb says:

    After many years of struggling to keep my marriage together, I am at my wits end. With three grown boys and no one to turn to, I have become numb, sour, angry, frustrated, empty, helpless, angry, sad, depressed, and lonely. I gave him 19 years of my life, but for some reason he just can’t get on the right track.

    He spent 12 years of his life on drugs, sobered up for three years and is now on alcohol. It first started with a few drinks and “I can quit when I want” to drinking any time of the day and forgetful nights, fights, and abuse.

    I gave up my family, friends, country, and myself for him. My kids gave up a lot also, just to have a father in their life, but now I regret it. I regret putting my kids through the life I chose. Every day he wakes up with regrets, and I’m sorries, and it won’t happen again’s. He knows he has a problem, but won’t get help! Says he needs to go to rehab, but won’t. We are in a 3rd world country because of his drug issues and cases, so he thinks the rehab here is useless.

    Now my kids don’t want to live with him anymore. I am financially stuck here and know that if I leave him, his friends will eat all our savings and most likely end up killing him or his liver. I don’t want my kids to have such a bad influence in their lives, and I know I’m being unfair to them.

    I tried calling a few Al-Anon meetings for help, but was not able to get it! I have lost myself many years ago. Feel like the merry-go-round won’t stop and our days won’t change! I wish I could walk away.

  17. Roxanne says:

    I’m 30 years old and my boyfriend is 38. We have been together for 3 and a half years and lived together for 1 year and half. I have a 6-year-old girl that lives with us. I am not good with writing, but I need to express what I am going through.

    My boyfriend and I have a good time with drinking together and I thought everything is normal. He is really good to my little girl, with or without drinking. My whole life I’ve been with drinking parents — a father who is verbally abusive and a mother that can’t control it or stop. I told myself I would never put my daughter through the life I had.

    Recently, my boyfriend has become really bad with the vodka. He’s hiding it and lying to me (I know how to find the bottles). I know when he is toasted, I can see it in his eyes. I know he has a problem, and I want to help him to stop.

    I love him to death. I want to take him to AA meetings with me. I want to be there to support him and help him. I want to know why he has his addiction and I want him to talk to me. I did get him to confess that he has a problem and he needs to slow down and limit himself, but that didn’t help.

    He wants to quit, but he has a hard time finding a way to quit. Oh, also, when he is drunk he gets really lovable, to where it starts annoying the heck out of me. I am afraid that his liver will fail and he is going to have a lot of health problems. I will be joining my first Al-Anon meeting tomorrow.

  18. Broken says:

    Although reading these stories makes me sad for everyone suffering, it also makes me realize that, without a doubt, I made the right choice.

    I just ended a relationship with a high-functioning alcoholic, and I don’t drink at all. I loved her very much and tried many times to talk to her about her drinking. She would cut down, and then go back up again. She always said, “I have to be the one who decides how much I drink, not you.” And while normally I would agree with her, she really wanted to have a baby with me.

    She has no kids, and I have four already. She doesn’t understand what it means to be a parent and how much commitment and energy it takes. Anyway, we broke up over it and although I’m still in love with her, and miss her, I know it’s the right thing. It doesn’t make it hurt any less, though. I feel like she chose the bottle over me.

  19. Sherry says:

    I am in love with my soul-mate, who happens to be an alcoholic. I never was raised around or had any idea of what actually alcoholism really was, as far as the toll that it takes on the person that is not an alcoholic in the relationship.

    I just thought he was a good person helping his buddies all the time and doing favors to help them out, when the reality of what it really was was drinking, whenever he and they got the chance and had an excuse to do it. For a while he was a lot of fun, having all kinds of friends and hanging out all the time. I never got to experience that kind of life and was very naive. I had fun meeting new people and hearing their funny stories — then it got old when they kept repeating them night after night.

    I want to say I was roped into this by love and was blinded until we got married. I guess I thought it would get better once he had someone who honestly cared for him and he could be at ease that I was there to help him and not use him like so many other people. Then once we got married it got way worse and I guess he figured I was trapped and he could just be himself, as when he was single for 13 years prior to me, and reality set in with me. He always had an excuse to go over to visit with a buddy who was also a drinker and did not come home until late at night, through the week or weekend.

    As crazy as it seems, I am 57 years old and my husband is 55 years old and I had no clue about this kind of life. I met my soul-mate at 50 and I had been married before, but life was so boring until this outgoing, wonderful man came into my life and showed me how to really live. So I thought, as I look back and what he has put me through — abuse, physical and mental — and all the while I have a full-time job and have managed to excel, because life was much better at work. He is disabled physically and does not work, so he has no care as long as he can drink.

    But I love him and want to help him, but I have no idea how I can stop his drinking.

  20. Claudia says:

    When my boyfriend and I met, we drank and did the party thing. Three years later we had a baby girl. I changed my life to try my best to be a fit mother like I saw growing up. He kept doing the same — now 12 years later and 2 kids, it got worse.

    I can’t take this anymore and reading these comments I don’t feel so alone. I love him — his father recently died of a drug overdose. I’m afraid my kids will suffer the same.

    He tries to stop drinking for a couple days, then loses himself bad. When he’s sober, he is a good dad and we make plans for our future, but it all goes down the drain when vodka gets in his system.

    I feel hopeless and I know I can make it without him. It just hurts to think of moving on. I will always worry about him. My kids don’t deserve to see this. I grew up in a Christian home with stability, love and peace. I don’t get it and probably never will.

  21. Tiffany says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years now. I’m so in love with him. I love him with every aching bone in my body. I just don’t know if I can handle him being an alcoholic anymore.

    When we talk about our future I get so excited, but I’m also disappointed because a piece of me knows he will never change. Being an alcoholic runs in his family. His grandpa and his mom are both recovering alcoholics. His grandma and his dad are still alcoholics. His brother is an alcoholic and so are his friends.

    Every time we try and get him help, it never works out — because everyone who he surrounds himself with are alcoholics. I want him to get better. I’m just waiting for the day he gets better, but a part of me knows that day isn’t going to come.

    I don’t know what I should do. I don’t just want to give up on him. I feel like he needs me. Leaving him will not be easy, but maybe it will be the best thing for me. Sad that I lost the love of my life to alcohol.

  22. Cynthia says:

    I listened today to the first podcast & it was talking about would an alcoholic stop drinking if he loved me. I have been married for almost 5 years to my highschool sweetheart, who found me after 20 some years on Facebook. Both of us divorced & with grown children in different states.

    He was the one person I never forgot about, so to speak. I was well established where I was & he was retired military with a civilian job on post. I felt like God had opened the skies & sent me the person I had always wanted to be with in life.

    I had a terrible childhood, which entailed a mother who left when I was 15 & I went to foster care and so forth. My husband now knew all those things, so I thought he would be the only one who could never possibly hurt me or make me feel unsafe or abandoned.

    The distance was 1,000 miles & I was the one who had to make the change, but I was okay with it — especially if it meant that I would feel complete. Problem was I can’t say I didn’t know he had an alcohol problem, because I did. But the key detail was I thought that I could “fix it” or it would get better since we loved each other so much. More or less, I would be the answer to the addiction.

    I uprooted where I was, moved to him. We married 3 months prior, all to a new town, new area, to realize almost 5 years later I can’t fix him, and I blame myself.

    The verbal abuse is so bad. Honestly, as I type this I cry because I don’t understand & I feel so alone. How could someone that I loved so long, hurt me so bad with words & why won’t he even try to stop for me?

    I feel like it’s too late to turn back now, and this is my life. My daughters both live 1,000 miles in separate locations & my parents are deceased. So I have no one but him.

    I have worked since I have been here, but never had time to make friends or do anything other than with him — because I felt like I had to hurry home to make sure he is okay. If I stopped somewhere on the way home it appeared I would get punished — by coming in and him drinking. I have expressed my concerns, just as recently as 2 hours ago, & he called me something to my face that he had never done before.

    We have so many things, so blessed. He is a hard worker and a functioning alcoholic. But I am an empty shell, longing for emotional connection, & him to just make me feel like I am someone to him that matters. I have quit caring about any of my wants or needs, due to worrying about him. I feel selfish if I don’t totally focus on his problem.

    I just had cervical cancer in April, & I really thought that it would wake him up, to see life is worth living for, but it didn’t. So honestly, I don’t know what to do anymore.

  23. taite says:

    My fiance and I have been together for a little over a year and are expecting a daughter in a few months. He claims he will quit drinking for me, but he will go a day, another day passes and he asks me if he can buy a drink. He will buy one, which leads to the day after me picking him up at his friend’s house and he is intoxicated.

    He has lied to me. I saw a bottle of vodka one night in the refrigerator and then when I mentioned you better be staying sober, I went back to the refrigerator pretending to get some ice cream to find the alcohol gone. I know I am about to have a child and my life is going to change forever, but I want him to be a part of it. I want to get married, to have a happy, whole family. He has been previously divorced, but alcohol wasn’t the only factor in the divorce — his wife had been unfaithful.

    I just don’t know what to do anymore. I love him, but I’m afraid that he is going to drink until he dies. He has recently shared with me he has been hearing voices in his head (usually he is drunk when this happens). I have never heard of alcoholics hearing voices before, though. I pray to God he gets better and seeks help for the sake of our relationship and our daughter

  24. Mia says:

    I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. He has always drank, but previously it seemed social. I didn’t realize he had a problem until about 2 years ago. He would drink and start fights with me, waking up the next day as if it never happened. He started blaming me for everything wrong in our relationship — when I have been the only one trying to keep things progressing.

    His 3 kids live with us and they are teens. They barely talk and spend most of their time locked up in their room. His middle son is failing most of his classes and his daughter is starting to sleep in the same bed nightly with the middle son. My fiance doesn’t care to correct any of what’s going on. He only cares about his liquor.

    Yesterday while he was drunk, he threw my phone into a wall and shattered it — his excuse was that I was getting on his nerves telling him a story about one of my co-workers.

    He wreaks of alcohol and BO daily. I have to wash our sheets every day because this horrible smell gets in and stays in the bedding. Even that smell is my fault. Nothing is ever enough for him — if I talk, I’m saying something annoying and he doesn’t want to hear anymore. If I walk, it’s too slow for him. If I want to watch something on tv, he storms out of the room because he “can’t” deal with the tv shows I watch. A few months ago he went crazy because I cooked chicken twice in a week and apparently he hated chicken that month. Now this month he hates ground beef and purchased a freezer full of chicken. I can’t keep up with any of it. I am drained.

    As I write this, I am laying downstairs on our couch because I can’t stand sleeping next to him. He woke me up 2 hours ago wanting to argue about why I told him a story regarding my co-worker — all a bunch of drunk nonsense, making a problem where there is none. Do I love him? Of course — but if he can’t sober up, I have to leave him.

  25. wendy says:

    How can A.A. help when he goes to meetings drunk — and they don’t say anything that I know of. He can’t get past Step 4, has been a member for a year. I was so blinded in love with him, but the smell of alcohol every night has soured my heart.

  26. Over it says:

    I have been staying with my boyfriend for a year now. When we first met it was one bottle, but I thought it was just celebrating our dates. But as the months passed, his drinking is unbelievable. He blames his job for his drinking, which plenty of times we have argued about. He can be an affectionate person, but there is no sex involved in this relationship. He prefers to watch porn. He is unsociable, will not go out, has only taken me out once for dinner.

    I ask him to take me for coffee. His reply is we have some in the kitchen. His favorite spot in the flat is the bed, with TV and wine. Cannot make a noise when he’s watching, either league, fishing, or cop programmes. Don’t make a noise in the kitchen, or there will be an argument, don’t chew toast while you are around him, don’t slurp your tea/coffee, not to make a noise with your fork or spoon on the plate. Neighbors cannot mow their lawns, or builders banging anywhere outside. Cannot mow our lawns while he is home, because of hangover day, which is every day. Picks on my dog if things don’t go well for him.

    We have slept in separate beds for the last three months. If I had to snore a little bit, which I do because I have a sinusitis problem, he makes this horrible grunt to let you know you are making too much noise. I have asked him to see someone about his drinking, but he said he does not have an issue with it.

    I think something has happened in his teen days. A man who once was a good rugby player, fitness person, had many girlfriends, all of whom gave him the heeve ho, and left them for other men.

    I am a widow. My husband and I were very happy and had a great marriage. After years being single, I met him through my sister. I have not compared him to my late husband, because he will never come close. How do I help him? I have tried everything. He is all about himself and no one else. He also texts other women when he drinks, and then denies it, and the list just keeps going. He even brings up that I am after his money if we are in a relationship for more than two years. I have more assets then he does.

    I have strong feelings for this man. I believe after 8 years being widowed, there must be a reason why I ended up with him. I am at my wits end, I don’t know what to do. He has a good heart, when he is sober — but it’s still all about him, and to top things off his brother stays upstairs, and they are both off the same branch. They need to divorce, but I cannot see that happening. When we have a deep conversation, he calls it arguing.

  27. kim says:

    Why do we subject ourselves to such pain and hurt?

    Married 7 years to my knight in shining armour. He gave so much of himself to me and our boys. Trust, independence and love.

    Now it’s the bottle that has him. I am drifting away from him emotionally. Feel alone, no one to talk to.

    Cried reading many of these posts and think I am being selfish.
    I truly hope many of you find the strength to follow your heart for what is best for you. Because you are important too, for yourself and the ones that depend on you.

  28. Rae Mary says:

    Thank you guys for writing these stories. It makes me feel a little better about the situation I just walked away from.

    I have always drank some. It was very bad when I was young, left home at 15 and was in with the wrong people, a never-ending-bender for 6 or 7 years — always working and putting money away, though. My ex cleaned my account out (over 50 grand) and took off to another country. Wake-up call for me. If I wasn’t so drunk, he wouldn’t have pulled that off!

    Started my life over, flat broke at 25 years old, living out of a backpack again and driving a beat-up old truck. Sold my boat and everything of value and rented my house to clean up debts he left me. Off to the drilling rigs I went, ran a 24-hour-a-day vacuum truck and lived in a shack on a drilling rig way up in northern Alberta. I am good at it. That is good money, but you earn every dollar.

    I got a boiler ticket and worked the same abusive work. It isn’t a life I would wish on anyone, but it sobered me up because there was no time to drink or eat or even change your socks some days. I still drink some in the summer when I am off. But I got involved with a nice guy that doesn’t cheat on me, but even in the beginning I knew he had the same problems as me, but was a very good person underneath.

    For once I could go out of town for months on end and work without wondering what he was up to. Not cheating or spending my money out in bars — no, because his main plan was to work part-time and then come home and get drunk by himself. This spring I came home from the north country and he has smashed up my pickup, destroyed my house from home renovation projects gone wrong. His grandfather is sick in another province, so this is somehow my fault he doesn’t work enough to earn enough to travel. This is all somehow my fault and causing him to drink.

    A couple months ago he was working lots. I am off for the summer — can afford and need it. He decides he is somehow supporting me and that I am having some kind of affair with a water hauler. Interesting and almost funny as our water hauler is a 60-year-old man with a Mohawk. I ignored most of it, until he punched me in the face and broke my nose — going on and on about what a whore I am, then up and hit me. My being German, Hungarian and some Irish might have played a part in how it played out. No skinny drunk retard that took the winter off work is going to call me a lazy whore. I broke bones in his face and ribs.

    He has been threatening to leave me once a week for the last year, then sobers up and it all changes. He packed his stuff and went home to his mommy and I haven’t heard from him since. Leaves me feeling empty and alone, but could not continue watching someone who was a shell of a person. I get a 5 minute conversation and then he is too drunk to make sense. He watched his mother put up with his dad like that for so many years and told me he never wanted to be like that — he is exactly the same.

    She works every day while he is home too drunk to talk to, or just yells at her. I see the emptiness in her eyes and never want to be 60 years old in her shoes. Is it wrong, I just kicked him to the curb? Could there have been any fixing it? I can’t bring myself to call and check is he doing better or just sinking deeper? So many questions and 4 years of my life down the drain. Now I can move forward with my life and try very hard not to pick another one like him.

  29. Linda says:

    I love my boyfriend with every tiny piece of myself. We’ve been together almost 5 years now.

    We met at 22 and immediately fell completely in love. He was everything I’d ever hoped for and more. I couldn’t believe I had found someone so amazing.

    Somewhere over the years our fun “drinks with friends” and “drinks with dinner” became a necessity to him. Every day. Immediately after work, on lunch breaks during the day, as soon as he wakes up on the weekends, and until we go to sleep, he is drinking.

    Also over the years he has become resentful of me and angry and emotionally deficient. I’ve blamed myself and sought therapy for anxiety and depression, even medication to help myself. I never equated his mood swings to alcohol. He never really acts drunk, slurs his speech or appears unbalanced , but he must never be sober. I can’t count how many beers he drinks in a day, and that’s just what I know about.

    To be honest this is my first time ever really admitting this (any of it) to myself and it’s sending me into a panic. I’m scared for our future together. I cannot marry this man and have children and love a lifetime with an alcoholic.

  30. Doreen says:

    I’ve been married for 14 years now. My husband has been drinking all along. Without a job, and depending on our parents — that’s been our life.

    My husband is so selfish. When he gets money, it all belongs to him. There is no proper planning in our family. Recently he had stopped drinking, but after 4 months he has gone back to drinking.

    He does not provide. He is just too lazy to work. He is so violent when he’s home. He comes home late and I feel this is just too much.

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