Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?

Published by at 10:58 am under Common Concerns

Welcome to First Steps to Al-Anon Recovery. This is a series of podcasts to discuss some common concerns for people who have been affected by someone else’s drinking.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members if they ever thought the drinking would stop if the drinker really loved them.

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142 comments

142 comments on “Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you?”

  1. Nev says:

    I knew my partner drank and had mental health issues, but with my care and love she is conquering her mental health situation. I love her dearly. My major concern is her drinking. She does not know when to stop.

    She drinks a bottle-plus a night and also a few vodkas. Before she has had a drink she is a lovely, pleasant person who is responsive, caring, funny and great to be with. Once it gets to 3 or 4 pm and the drinking starts, coupled with smoking cannabis, it all goes horribly wrong. She becomes self-centered, nasty, forgetful.

    There is no intimacy anymore. And if there is, it’s alcohol-fueled. I am suffering from anxiety and panic attacks. And when she starts drinking, my heart sinks. I get that huge weighty feeling around my stomach.

    I try talking to her about it, but she won’t listen. I feel I am gonna lose her. Either it kills her or she leaves me, because I want to help her.

  2. Lizzy says:

    Today I spent half a day crying. On most days for the past few months I manage to cry only a short while. Somehow, the enormity of living with addicted family members hit me by force today.

    My son is a drug and digital addict who is currently in rehab. In my opinion, my husband of 26 years is an alcoholic, and in his opinion he isn’t. Essentially, this means that not only have I fallen out of love over the past 2-3 years, I feel I now have also lost my best friend with whom I used to talk about everything. Now it seems I can’t talk about anything important anymore–at least nothing concerning his alcohol consumption and whether he is going to get treatment. I feel I am exploding from not being able to talk to him.

    My daughter and I visited my son in rehab last week for 3 days and joined the family program, which was incredibly intense. I have never met so many unhappy people in one room ever in all my life. And now I am part of this group of people with the sad stories.

    During these days, a girl with meth addiction did a presentation and when she recounted her life and problems, my daughter became very teary. I dragged her to a counsellor and it turns out that she was raped as a teenager, drugged several times and sexually assaulted. She has had insomnia for years and bulimia and now needs trauma counselling. I think she also drinks too much. When I think about my family, I just want to help them all and make them stop–but I understand that really I can’t do much.

    I have learned to follow my intuition in the last few months and at least that led to my son going voluntarily to rehab, because suddenly out of nowhere I found the strength to say, “No, enough is enough. Get help or move out, no more money.”

    My younger son is so far still all right, but our family situation affects him greatly. His girlfriend has depression and is mildly bipolar. My youngest daughter has life-threatening food allergies and dyslexia and has difficulties controlling her moods–sometimes she is super happy and then the next moment super sad or super angry.

    I grew up in a small village in Europe and the worst part of my life was that my parents and I would argue–that’s all. I feel I am totally unequipped to deal with all of this drama. When I was young, I always gravitated towards the happy and funny people because actually I love to laugh. Hopefully one day I will feel like laughing again–I mean really laughing, belly-aching laughter from the heart. Baby steps for the moment. I am going to my second Al-Anon meeting tonight–the first one I spent crying, so perhaps today I can manage not to cry. We’ll see.

  3. Lynn says:

    We’ve been married 11 years. He’s always had a tendency to drink too much, and by our third year of marriage he was a full blown alcoholic.

    Drinking every day, missing work, getting fired, detox and rehab, over and over. I always think it can’t possibly get worse, and then it does. He has been minutes away from death, and after recovering, still drinks. I’m surprised he’s lasted this long.

    Now he’s in the hospital for weeks out of the year because he gets so sick from drinking. And then goes back to it a month or two later. It is insane. A sane person wouldn’t do this to himself. I wish he’d be able to find a way to conquer his demons and stop drinking.

    For someone so intelligent and strong, he is so stupid and weak. So now, after over eight years of promises, I watch him through the window, bringing in his bottle, and then lying about it, even though I saw him. I wish it were easier to leave.

  4. kristine says:

    No, if love could stop my husband from drinking, he would have stopped years ago. I know he loves me. He would do anything for me, except stop drinking.

    His drinking has made me feel like I don’t even know him. Just like everyone else, when he’s sober, he’s a dream–the sweetest, kindest man on earth. Once 4 pm comes around, I get a queasy feeling in my stomach because I know what’s coming. Dr.Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.

    In the day I’m his beautiful wife, his best friend, lover. I get hugs, kisses–but at night I’m nothing, a fat piece of crap, and so on. Then we wake up to his I-love-you’s–Good morning, beautiful. I can’t do this much longer. I have never and will never love a man as much as I love my husband, but his demon is too much for me to battle anymore.

    Our kids and I deserve better. Just wish he believed that too. He thinks I’ll never leave–he’s sadly mistaken. I’m so hurt, yet I know for my sanity and the sanity of our children what needs to be done. Life is so unfair. I will always be heartbroken.

  5. Rebecca says:

    I was sober for 3 years. I lost my mother in 2012, watched her suffer, and I picked up drinking again. It’s out of control. My fiance’, whom I’ve been with 15 years, is a sober person. I need to find some help before I lose him.

  6. Liz in Mississippi says:

    This is the same story, just different people. I am a 60-year-old white female, college degree, divorced 3 times. All 3 drank beer. #3 was the one I was so in love with. Met in 2006. He was in jail for a while when we first met, and he is 12 years younger than me.

    We loved music, karaoke and unfortunately he drank during those times. However, he was working for a while, then he just kept drinking more and more and at one time a 24-pack a day. I had a really good job. He managed to make me lose it by calling my job too much. I even married him and still I stayed, hoping he would wake up.

    At that time we took his son to raise, 7 years old, and I thought that would help. It only got worse. We moved to where his father lived and it got worse. One night he got drunk, (after the 7-year-old went back to his mom) and punched me. I had him put in jail. I was going to leave him at that point, but I made the mistake of going to visit him in jail to tell him I was leaving. He started sobbing and he looked so bad. Of course, I couldn’t do it.

    He promised never to hit me again. Of course, we went out one night and he drank and took something and I got a face punching in the shower that night but he made up a big lie about someone spiking his drink, etc. After that it was just verbal abuse, accusations of me cheating, refusing to work and talking to other women on the phone, sneaking out with them, etc. Advertising on craigslist personals.

    Long story short, I divorced him. Then six months later I took him in when he was homeless (lost another job) and finally in October 2014 I left for good.

    I am now with a man who does not smoke or drink, has a great job, let me move in with him at his house. He pays for everything and I am very happy. #3 is moving to Florida, has found a job and a new woman and is trying to quit drinking and smoking. Been there before, I feel sorry for the woman because I know what’s going to happen and she has 3 kids.

    Where does it end? And yes, like a fool, I still love him. But I can’t ever be with him again. It’s what you have to do to save yourself. I pray for you all. My heart is broken for all concerned. I am not sure these alcoholics love anything except the booze. They don’t even love themselves.

  7. Mary says:

    I had been, until recently, with the true love of my life. However, recently his drinking has made him so verbally abusive to me I have had to leave. I know he is an alcoholic and it is an illness. However, the effect on my life has been horrendous. This has been the worst experience of my life. I would have done anything to have put this relationship right, but I now know it is not my responsibility but his.

    I dream of everything coming “right,” but I know this will never happen and at least I have kept my sanity. My heart is so heavy. I feel so sad and so sorry for him. I fear for his health and his future.

  8. tdi says:

    For nearly 15 yrs I have been with my b/f. We had separate houses and had no kids together, but each had our own. I knew he used to drink and had a drug problem. I never meant to be in a relationship with him, but he just didn’t leave and he was so nice and at first he didn’t drink much, but I guess the more at home he felt, the more of his true self come through.

    He would never hit me, but would threaten to kill me, burn my house down, or get others to bash me. He would follow me to the school, yelling at me in front of the other mums and teachers. He would always tell me he could find someone so much better than me and he was doing me a favour by being with me. In some cases he would lock myself and the kids in the car, threatening to run into a pole or off the bridge and kill us all.

    I wanted him to go, but he just wouldn’t leave. So with lots of promises and lies I gave him one more chance. Until these last few years when he’s had his second DUI and I told him last chance. Well, that was three chances ago–until today when I told him it was over and he got my phone and threatened me and got physical with me. My friend heard and called the police. He was gone by the time they arrived and I told them not to do anything as his ex used to do it all the time and I knew he got off on it.

    So a few hours later my friend and I were walking down the street and he stopped and verbally abused us. She also called the police. This time they advised an AVO. So that’s where I’m at, sitting in my house with the doors locked, not wanting to go outside, wondering if I will be on the news tomorrow! I wonder where did I go. I was so strong, so confident, so carefree.

  9. Tina says:

    I met my partner at the age of 62, he was 66. Right from the start he told me he was an alcoholic. Over the next four years he has made huge efforts to stop drinking. Whiskey is the main culprit–he can’t have a beer without a whiskey, and once drinking he doesn’t know when to stop.

    Without it, he’s lovely, thoughtful, caring, loving, considerate–but he has no hobbies, does not like reading and finds it really hard to sit and watch any TV unless it’s a documentary, factual, or one of those horrible American Friends series, which I can’t stand. He enjoys crosswords.

    When having had too much to drink, he becomes overly sexual, which I don’t want purely because it’s alcohol-fueled. He also says mean things and becomes argumentative. I feel as though I want to pull the plug on this relationship. We don’t live together, I couldn’t–but I do enjoy his company when he’s sober.

    I don’t know what do I do. As soon as I see him with a drink in his hand, I feel a large leaden weight settle around my solar plexus and I just want to ask him to go.

  10. umee says:

    My husband is caring and loves his son, but he cheats, smokes and drinks. He lies about everything, even when you see him so drunk. It really kills me and I don’t know what to do.

  11. Ashley says:

    My boyfriend promises me daily that this day will be the day he won’t drink–and when he comes home I smell it as soon as he walks through the door. He will continue to lie to me until he knows I won’t take the lies anymore and sees I’m about to leave. My trust issues with him are now so awful that I find myself questioning everything else in our relationship. He lies so easily about drinking–why not other things? This is so sad to me because deep down I know that he really is a wonderful man when alcohol is not present.

  12. C says:

    It’s not the question of whether they love you or not. In most cases they do love you, but they share that love of alcohol as well.

  13. Jane says:

    Would the drinking stop if he or she loved you? This is a common misconception and an easy state of mind to get into when in a relationship with someone who has addictive behaviours. I work with people who have addictive behaviours and I also have personal experience of being in relationships with men who have problematic relationships with alcohol.

    I believe that this behaviour has got very little to do with us and has everything to do with the person drinking. It is not a reflection on how much or less that “they” love us and more to do with how s/he copes with life, emotions, events etc. It’s about resilience skills and finding alternatives to drinking. This, as we know, is not easy but it is their journey, not ours.

    The only thing that we can do that is within our control is to ask ourselves if we can live with this behaviour and the not-knowing when the next drink will be. No one can make this choice for us but ourselves, and every person is different as well as every relationship is different.

    My partner is a binge drinker and it has only recently become known to me (or maybe I have only recently stopped being in denial, or maybe I’m just getting bored with it now). We can only work on our relationship with ourselves and make sure that we have healthy, balanced and happy lives. We cannot do that for others. Maybe we can act as a role model for our partners and help them to see and live alternative lifestyles.

    What I do know is that if we do not keep ourselves healthy and if we become too involved in the emotional whirlwind of the drinker, then our health will suffer, causing stress, anxiety and depression. Talking to people and getting support helps us make sure we are not to blame and we are not the answer. The answer regarding whether we should stay or go from the relationship will come. In the meantime, we need to stay safe and well.

  14. chloe says:

    I am 21 and I met my alcoholic ex when I was 19. He was 21 at the time. I have recently decided enough is enough and I’ve had enough of him. In a way, I do sympathise for him and all alcoholics in general, but hurting the people you love is not the way forward. That’s why I packed my stuff up and don’t want anything to do with him anymore!

  15. Erin says:

    I have just recently (about 7 months ago) started dating the most wonderful man. He was very up front with me in the beginning that he likes his beer. He calls himself a beer-aholic, like that’s better than straight up what this is, alcoholism. We don’t live in the same city, which means that up until this weekend I have not been around when he drinks heavily.

    This weekend was horrible. He was rude to my friend and myself, he stunk, was sexually aggressive, and not the guy I fell in love with at all. I feel like if I’m going to get out, now would be the time, before we start talking about moving in together and building a life, but I don’t want to leave him alone.

    He’s so wonderful when he’s not drinking, though now I wonder if he’s ever been sober in the last 7 months. I’m scared of what our future will be together and I’m even more scared to ask him to stop, because I’m sure he will choose the beer over me.

    He’s also had some health issues in the past few years, with seizures that were never explained, and I’m thinking they were from withdrawal, which scares me too. He thinks nothing of having 5 beers and driving and missing work because he has gone too hard the night before.

    I am desperate for some help. I don’t want to end the relationship because he is so amazing and loving and caring and supportive and blah, blah, blah, but what I saw this weekend is more than I think I’m willing to deal with for the rest of my life.

  16. Jada says:

    I am also in a relationship with an alcoholic. However, we recently broke up the engagement. I gave the ring back because I can’t take the things he says to me anymore. He is not violent or abusive physically, but I do not like the outbursts and throwing things and his acting out towards me around his family and friends.

    We are still talking in hopes to rekindle things, but I promised myself I won’t go back if he doesn’t quit. He has already lost his license twice. Has had an interlock put in his vehicle and has to get another one.

    I know God is able and I believe God can heal. I don’t deserve the stress and worry and having to see two different people, not knowing which one I’m gonna deal with from day to day. I’m so sad that he can’t see what it has done and what it is doing. He may lose me for good.

    He is a very good person. We’ve known each other 15 years and have dated about 8 of those. I don’t want to lose him. But I’ve seen what alcohol can do and I don’t want to watch a person do that to themselves.

  17. Jesica says:

    I know the topic is, “If the person loves me, then wouldn’t they stop?” I don’t necessarily think or feel that my boyfriend’s love for me will be enough for him to stop abusing alcohol. I know it has more to do with him needing to love himself. I also know the road to recovery isn’t simple and that it lasts a lifetime. My only heartbreak comes from the lies that result from his drinking problem.

    My boyfriend treats me so amazingly and is kind-hearted and beautiful inside and out, yet he doesn’t see it. His drinking causes him physical problems and he hides alcohol now in water bottles, among other places, to try to hide it from me. He’s admitted he has a problem and that he should stop drinking, but on the same hand he likes drinking and doesn’t want to stop.

    He’s gone through withdrawals once and then relapsed and started drinking again. He’s lied to me when I’ve asked if he’s been drinking and then I’ve found vodka in his water bottle or in a bag hidden in my car. He throws up and can’t keep food down when he drinks even a small amount now, and he gets the shakes and nightmares and heart palpitations.

    I’m scared for him. I want him to help himself and I have a hard time trusting him now in matters where drinking is concerned. I find myself invading his privacy by searching his house or car. I find myself questioning everything he says or does in fear that he’s secretly drinking. Sometimes my fear comes true and he is, and sometimes I’m happily mistaken.

    I feel like a bad girlfriend when my first thought is, “I wonder if he drank today,” or, “Is he’s lying to me today?” I know it’s not healthy for me or our relationship for me to think this way. Sometimes he is lying and hiding alcohol and the fact that he lies about it makes me feel insulted and heartbroken. I don’t want to leave him as he’s in need and feeling as if he isn’t worthy of love. I do love him and I wish my loving him was enough, but he has to love himself and I don’t know how to help him do that.

    I also don’t know how to deal with the lies and the trust issues I’ve developed as a result of them. Dating an alcoholic is such a fine line of being in a relationship, playing therapist, detective, and doctor. I don’t think it’s healthy for me to be the one to hold him accountable, but if I don’t, he won’t. It’s very stressful and confusing and I just wish I had any guidance as to how to deal with this situation.

    I’ve heard many say, “Run,” or, “Get out now.” But I just can’t see leaving someone I love when he’s not a bad person and he doesn’t mistreat me. I just don’t know how to deal with the lies from him, or now my trust issues. I see that causing many problems in the future, unless I can figure out a healthy way to take charge of this–but I also know what he does isn’t within my control. I can only control my own actions and feelings and I don’t know how to trust him now, and I also don’t know how to not let the lies break my heart.

  18. donna says:

    I’ve known my husband for 8 years. We’ve been married for 5 months. We moved and the deal was no getting drunk, but he can’t uphold that promise. My dad just died of drinking less than a year ago. I don’t know what to do.

  19. Brenda says:

    I have been with my alcoholic/drug-addicted boyfriend for almost 4 years. Most of it has been a hellish cycle of drinking and using drugs and stopping for a day or so, to spiraling out of control. He abuses alcohol, pills, pot. I suspect even heroin. I didn’t know he was a drug addict when we were first together and it took me a little while to realize he was an alcoholic. He loves pills too. I think percs are his choice. I have been through so much because of it.

    He says it’s my problem. In the beginning we would have these crazy arguments where I couldn’t even figure out why the heck he was so mad, then if I cried, he would laugh at me and make fun of me and tell me he was leaving. He has lied to me, tried getting back with ex-girlfriends and had really inappropriate relationships. Dealers texting him all hours of the night. He would meet his drug connection where we were having date night and slip out the back.

    I started defending myself about 6 months into the relationship. When I do, he calls me mean and abusive after he’s said all kinds of rude, nasty things about me. I can’t say a remotely negative word to him or he goes nuts. We could be having a great day and I ask something like why are you doing that. Then he rants, “Geez, I can’t do anything right.” He tells me I just want him to be my puppet and that I need to get cats. He never realizes that all arguments start from the drinking or drugs and his crazy way of thinking. Sometimes he’ll be sitting in the chair with the ugliest, angriest look on his face. I am so tired.

    I feel like it has sucked all the joy out of my life. I have nothing to look forward to. We have nothing to look forward to together.

  20. Daisy says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for only 1 year, but he has told me he’s a binge drinker. I’m so sad. I thought he was so lovely and kind. The only thing, when he drinks he is still that soppy person. I’m so mixed up, should get him to move out of my house. Maybe that would help him change and stop drinking, if he loves me.

    I’m so confused, love him very much. He’s trying to get help now, but not good at the AA meeting. I really wonder if he wants to. All my family thinks I should get him out of my life. I also have a boy of 5, which is my concern although he does not drink around him. I’m setting boundaries. If he relapses again, he will have to go!!

  21. Mary says:

    I am new to this site. I am not new to living with an alcoholic. I have known he has been one for years. My husband and I have been married for about 11 1/2 years. We have been thru so much.

    At first I really hated his drinking because he would leave me in the car and I would be dumb enough to wait for him. I would go get his beer for him at times, and at times drink along with him. I have been aware of this, wanting him to change, while at the same time getting angry but allowing this to happen. I have kicked him out, begged him to change, poured out his beer, left him at other people’s houses, and still nothing.

    By the grace of God, he has not obtained a DUI or any law violations due to his drinking, only because he has not gotten caught. He has driven drunk while I am in the car, had his son drive him, etc. I love him, but yet have recently realized I don’t want to do this anymore. I am tired of being his accomplice by being quiet. I want to help him, but at the same time as he has told me before when sober, “I will stop when I want to stop.” He is a weekend drunk, but yet drinks one or two beers during the week. I get left at home while he goes to his friends’ house, family members’ house or wherever to drink.

    Infidelity on his part also happened and he blamed that on drinking. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself anymore. I want to help him, I pray and pray. I don’t want to lose him, but yet I feel I already have lost him to alcohol. Once in a great blue moon I will get a “I know I am an alcoholic.” Then promises to stop come, but those I have been hearing for over 11 years, and all are false.

    I have seen him stop completely for 3 months and only because he felt he had to lie to his brothers, or he can’t drink because of this or that. He says he gives in because he doesn’t want to be made fun of. I think he just plain doesn’t want to. He says he does, but then does the opposite and pretends like nothing happens.

    Back in 2008 was the last time we got physically violent, so thank God no more of that. However, there is always “lip service” from both of us putting each other down and calling each other bad names.

    I am tired of this same cycle, while at the same time I pray for a miracle for him to change. Co-dependent on him? Well, yes, I guess you can say that, because I look for love, attention, etc. from him that I may rarely get a few times a month, if I am lucky. We don’t have kids together. He has children. Don’t want them to have a bad example, thinking it’s ok to do the things he does, drink, and it’s okay as long as you don’t get caught.

    Again, pray, pray, pray and hope for a miracle. I say I am done, but yet I don’t have the courage to kick him out. I say it, but yet allow him to stay. Lord, help me. Mother Mary, teach me patience, but at the same time intercede for me so that I can change. Amen.

  22. Michel says:

    I’m 23. I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years. I knew he was drinking, but didn’t know he was an alcoholic. I was so blind for a year–we’ll argue every time over alcohol. He stole my savings to get drunk in a club, stole his mother’s wedding ring and sold it to buy alcohol, then admitted that he was an alcoholic.

    He has verbally abused me when drunk and embarrassed me in front of people. I told him if he can go a week without drinking I’ll buy him something as an award for doing good, and he goes and tells me he’s tired and goes home, and later I figure out he went out to stay up all night to get drunk.

    I’m to the point that I love myself too much to do this to myself. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I cry all the time and it’s like he doesn’t care. I feel so numb that I can’t stand it. I’d rather stop talking to him now, than go down with him.

  23. Brian says:

    My friends, I feel for all of you. My wife of 14 years, the mother of our children, the love of my life, the only love of my life, renounced me and our marriage due to alcoholism. I never saw it coming because she has a good heart, but her drinking buddies decided to educate her on how good life would be without me.

    She wanted it badly and took a chance and claimed I was abusive. She hit me every weekend for the last two years. She said she hated me when she drank. She carried on with strangers behind my back. I loved her so much I was blinded by/to the truth. Now she calls when she needs money or a babysitter so she can go out with men. We are still married, but separated.

    How sad for her. One day she will reach out for a hand to hold and it will not be there. Someday the alcohol will come for its price and no one will be able to stop it. One day she will see the love she lost, but I will be gone.

    I gave my life for her and she took it. You know something, I died inside. I am not the same person anymore. I am called Gabriel now. It is the only way I can cope with this betrayal and alcoholic personality change.

    I died inside, but yet I must live for my children. To do so is to suffer the rest of my life alone. I am prepared, but scared. I am lonely. Her drinking cost me my home, 20 years of hard work, my wife, my lover, my best friend, my love, but not my heart! My heart belongs to God and my children!

    We can survive this, my beloved friends. We can become who we need to be to survive amid the chaos life throws at us. We are people too, and there will never be another one like us.

  24. Louise says:

    I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 31. He has been drinking since the beginning of our relationship, when we met 3 years ago. I don’t know why he does it and in the beginning I brushed it off. But over the past 1.5 years it has been very noticeable. To the point that my mum has noticed, his mum has noticed, and his friends have noticed. You would think that being done high, DUI and having an interlok put on your car would make him come to his senses but it hasnt. :(

    Last year he drank 2/3 of the year away. When he drinks, he drinks a minimum 12 beers.

    This is hurting me so much. I blame myself. I bring it up with him. I try to help by cooking healthy meals and asking to go for walks. But all he wants to do is drink. I try recommending counselling and AA. And he says he would, but never did it. I try to speak to him on a neutral level, but he brushes me off.

    We live together. I have so much invested in this relationship, but I have to leave. I want to leave, in time, and get my young adulthood back without him.

    He’s stayed up all night, being loud and making friends with the neighbors and drinking. He’s kept me awake too, worrying, and by his loudness. I need to go to work tomorrow to pay the bills.

    I hate drinking myself. Well, I did in the beginning of our relationship. But his drinking has had an effect on me. Last year I gained a lot of weight drinking alongside him.

    I need to get away from this relationship for myself. He won’t change. And I can’t change him. He needs to do it himself.

    I am giving him 2 months. I won’t tell him this. I will save my money to move out of this shared apartment. And if he hasn’t improved, I am going.

  25. Kee says:

    My husband and I have known each other for about 10 years. We have been married for four months. We have two biological daughters and a daughter from a previous relationship he’s had. My husband was great at first, but now it’s like he’s verbally abusive and manipulative. I’m totally stressed out and I’m so ready for a divorce. But I love him. It’s just he has insecurities within him, and the drinking which takes over his mentality.

  26. Stephanie says:

    My husband was an alcoholic who stopped drinking for 15+ years. He only drank iced tea and water. Our children didn’t know the hell that I went through, thankfully. Fast forward to today. He fell off the wagon, thanks to 2 people that I know. He started drinking crown and 7’s, at first in the social settings. Then he went from that to drinking beer because it’s cheaper.

    He’s drank our retirement away and is verbally abusive, calling the kids ugly names and belittling me. He’s driven us all away from him. I have fallen out of love with him and want to go on with my life without him. He’s very selfish and says that this is all my fault. I’m at my wits end and will be going to a divorce lawyer instead of AA.

  27. Caitlin says:

    I periodically get so sad that I am divorced from my alcoholic ex-husband that I have to read some blogs/comments from others in the same boat–loving an alcoholic.

    We dated for 10 years, were married for 10, but separated for 5 of those 10. We have a son who hasn’t lived with his father since he was 5. I loved this man a lot, and when we were young, and carefree we had many fun adventures together.

    The drinking never seemed a problem until a few years before we married. I blamed it on a lot of things and assumed it was situational and would get better. But after we married and I became pregnant, it got much, much worse.

    He has been in rehab 5 times in 5 years. I am glad he is still trying, but I have lost all hope in us. He was and is periodically verbally abusive, mostly completely irresponsible, and is just a person I don’t even recognize anymore. I guess I still have the memories of the person he used to be, or the people we used to be. We sure had some fun back then. I am sorry it’s over.

    I sure hope he can stay sober for our son, who has been destroyed by the loss of his father. When a husband or father dies, you are surrounded by an outpouring of support. When your husband or father falls away into alcoholism, it is like they died but you can’t really talk about it, and people shame you and turn away from you like you have the disease too.

    Thank God I have a good job and my parents are helping me raise our son. I don’t know what I would do otherwise. My ex hasn’t worked a day since we got married, and says he never will again. I didn’t even ask for alimony or child support. I just wanted him to support himself. This disease is the pits. It’s ruined 3 lives, and one of them was mine.

  28. Fran says:

    I am 24, my boyfriend is 34. At first, when we met he got drunk and said some really obscene things. I brushed it off and just thought we were in an argument I didn’t think much of it. Fast forward four years later. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship.

    The alcohol has caused us to drift so far apart. He’s nasty, verbally abusive. I honestly feel like he hates me when he drinks. I’m in tears all the time and it’s like he doesn’t care. He will kick me even further to the ground with his words.

    I just remember many nights, begging him to stop, praying to God to make this monster go away. He’s great when he is sober, but a monster when he drinks. I know after four years I can’t change him. I am constantly educating myself on this. Reading different internet articles, how to handle situations and how to walk away.

    It puts a hole in my heart that the man I love has demons inside he can’t get away from, and I can’t continue to put myself or expose my child from a previous relationship to him. What will he learn from him? Not a good role model, if he can’t give it up!!

    Even though he’s promised to stop many, many, many times, he never has, and I always feel like I look like the dumb one for staying and giving chance after chance. I mean, who does that? Who wants to hurt forever? I don’t. I really don’t.

  29. linds says:

    I’m 23. My fiancee is 24. We’ve been together 2 years and five months. My man has always been a drinker. In fact, he used to drink and drive. His car was his personal recycle bin. He would drink all day, even sneak it to work til he was caught with his first DUI. He stopped drinking as much for like a week, then like nothing ever happened. He isn’t a mean drunk or anything. In fact, he is super loving, but the problem is he is harming himself physically and hurting us financially.

    I’m tired. I am on the verge of telling him to get help or I am leaving. He won’t even go to his court-ordered drug classes. I need help. Lately his drinking is so bad I realize he isn’t in bed and look for him. He will be outside asleep or thrown-up in my chairs, or lays in bed and throws up on the floor and passes out. I don’t know what to do anymore. I am unhappy, but I love him so much. So much, but I can’t take it.

  30. Angela says:

    Hi, I have been around drink all my life. It is in my family blood. But I made a conscious decision not to drink, except on special occasions. It suits me. My new boyfriend of 7 months is a daily drinker, but will stay out of the pub if meeting me. I never asked him.

    I know you will all think me stupid, but I wonder if it is possible that maybe he will decide to stay away from drink. My marriage ended because he was a violent drunk. But my new man could not hurt a fly or raise his voice in anger.

    I have taken things slow for the children and it will take a long time to build up trust. I wonder if I should get out now or risk it. It is a big decision to make. Thanks for listening.

  31. harriet says:

    I have been in A.A. for 2.5 years and have been sober for that time. It’s incredibly hard, but I haven’t found anything that works as good as the A.A. program. I met a man in the rooms who I love very much (we were friends first and then he moved in and we ended up getting together), and we click in almost every way. He is sensitive and kind and has a pureness to him that’s so endearing. He doesn’t have a sponsor, though he does 4 meetings a week and has been in A.A. longer than I have (9 years).

    Last night he came home late and then got into bed around 1 and seemed very different, using sex talk he doesn’t use. I couldn’t smell anything on him except toothpaste and cologne. I had a bad feeling in my gut and just knew he had been drinking. The worst thing is he won’t tell me the truth! It’s the worst as he is now this morning shaming himself and staying in bed and won’t talk at all. I don’t know if I should stay with him and make conditions that he gets a sponsor, etc. Or I could get out now before I am too involved.

  32. marcelo says:

    I am 26 years old and I can relate to your pain. I met him at a local gay bar. At 1st drinking with him was never a problem until I noticed the monster he became when he had a few drinks. Small disputes turned into arguments, Arguments turned into fights, it got so bad that cops had gotten involved. Blood and bruises were created and there was nothing I was able to do.

    I tried to make him realize he had an alcohol problem, but he denied it due to the fact that he wasn’t drinking every day. I thought I was wrong because he would constantly tell me that I was trying to control his life, change his ways and I wasn’t accepting him for what he was. So many broken promises of him stopping were made. To be accepted, he constantly lied to his family and friends about many situations. Playing the victim and running away from the real problem. He always used any little excuse or misunderstanding to leave the house and drink.

    He expressed that he wasn’t changing who he was for me, as I met him that way. As hurt as I was with the knot on my throat, I told him I’m sorry I can’t accept you drinking–leave it or this is the end of us.

    I am so convinced that I did what I could for him that even his own mother is on my side. After all the emotional and physical abuse he caused, I got fed up. The next day he came home drunk, asked me why was I ignoring him. I reminded him of what was said if he walks in that house with alcohol in his system. He said, “So you’re breaking up with me.” He packed his bags and left.

    As much as it hurts, I had to think it is either you or me, and I would never choose me over anyone. It hurts so much. I miss him dearly, but as crazy as it may sound, he chose alcohol over me. And I’m worth more than a substance he does not need in his life. He was and always will be My 1st true love. But I leave the rest to God. He can only save him from him.

  33. Eve says:

    I’ve been with my boyfriend 14 years. When I met him 14 years ago, he never used to drink, but now he drinks every time he goes out. I’ve asked him so many times to please stop that drinking, but he always says to me, ” I do what I want to do.”

    The thing is when he’s drunk he treats me like he hates me. He embarrasses me in public by trying to pick fights with me. I feel that I don’t know him anymore and I’m falling out of love with him.

    We have three kids together and they are little. I feel too my life is a disaster. And I feel so lonely in this world. I don’t know what to do.

  34. sasha says:

    I’m 45. We’ve been married 16 years. He drinks to excess most nights. He drinks until his face is flushed red, his eyes are droopy, his movements are uncoordinated, his speech is slurred. He’s moody, irritated and unpleasant to be around. The scariest thing is he will drive when he’s drunk.

    I can remember back to our earlier years together. Wine was consumed with dinner almost every night. Somewhere in our years together it wasn’t just wine. Now it’s wine and beer and scotch, 4-6 drinks a night. It might be more, but that’s what I was able to keep track of for one month when I was trying to understand how bad his drinking really is.

    It blows my mind that I feel like I have no idea how or when it got this bad. I have no idea how bad it’s been for how long, because it isn’t really that bad or at least I thought it wasn’t that bad. I’m beginning to see that it is bad and not just because it breaks my heart.

    It’s bad even though we don’t fight when he drinks. He doesn’t yell or hit. He goes to work. He pays his bills. He visits with friends and family. To everyone on the outside, he’s not an alcoholic or someone who drinks too much.

    It’s bad because we are lying to everyone, including ourselves. I avoid him when he is drinking. I don’t nag or complain. I’ve only had 2 conversations with him about his drinking, where I used all the “I” statements and “feelings” statements I could muster. I have become the designated driver as much as I can. I’m starting to see the looks on our friends’ and family’s faces at parties and get-togethers.

    It’s bad because the alcohol abuse is hurting his mental and physical health. It’s bad because it’s hurting our relationship. It’s bad because it’s hurting me.

    I’m exhausted, sad, confused, scared, angry and so very tired.

    I feel like he’s giving me a reverse ultimatum–put up with it, or leave. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, but then again I don’t see me writing this same post when I’m 55 about the same situation.

    Thanks for listening.

  35. angie says:

    We’ve been married 10 yrs and my husband has been using drugs and alcohol. He has been convicted 3 times. Because of these, we moved to another state, where he got 2 convictions. After all these, the only thing he has changed is drinking and driving, because he has one of those interlock systems. He still drinks in the house and uses drugs.

    We have 2 small children and I know he is sick and he needs help. However, he does not see it like that. I’ve been waiting for him to change. He is a good person when he wants to be, but I need to think about our children. When he drinks and does drugs, he gets agressive and this just makes everything worse.

    I feel bad for him, but I feel even worse for me and my kids. I am tired and honestly I really don’t feel the same way I used to. I really need to get away from him, and I know this for sure. My only worry is that he will get worse when we leave, but how can we stay with him under this circumstances? I see a lot of people that change, but how much time do I have to wait, and also I don’t see him trying to stop doing this.

  36. Khosie says:

    He beats me in front of my son and I beat him back. My son was trying to separate us, but he continued beating me with no shame.

  37. Shel says:

    I am 23 and my boyfriend is 29. We have been together for a year and 3 months. Getting into this relationship I knew he had baggage, but I liked him so much I accepted it. He is a veteran and with that said he has experienced many things and seen many things. He is affected by PTSD.

    I am at the point where I don’t know what to do. Every time I think he’s doing good and that he’s on his way to being sober, I come home to him drunk or him coming home drunk. I’m still with him because I love him. It hurts. He wants help, yet when he gets it he turns around and goes back to square one. I hate it, because he’s a great stepfather to my boys.

  38. Anon says:

    My boyfriend likes alcohol. He knows that I don’t like it. I don’t like it because I have post traumatic stress from previous alcoholic experiences. He knows that seeing him drunk hurts me. He keeps telling me that he will never do it again, but he carries on over and over breaking his promises. He doesn’t mind upsetting me for alcohol. He stays out till early parts of the morning drinking. I’m a strong independent lady but that doesn’t shield me from the weakness of love. I want to walk away but don’t know how.

  39. Sally says:

    I have been involved with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is 44 years old and an alcoholic. He is currently without a driver’s license due to drinking. I tried to help him pay his license fees only to find out he has charges in another state. No license, no job, no credit and no bank account.

    There has always been another woman in the picture who he says he wants to leave so he can be with me. I am a widow and he helps me with home repairs. I recently gave him $200 cash, which he claims he lost.

    I used my Walmart credit card to buy clothing and items for his son who was getting out of jail – $135. His son got in more trouble and he returned the items for store credit. No idea what he purchased with store credit – probably beer and smokes.

    The other woman is a widow and has used her deceased husband’s life insurance to support the man we share. I need to get out of this relationship before he shows up at my door. I have no family close by and have had a few dates which have not worked out very well. He checks my cell phone and computer to see what I am doing. Wish me luck in making a break.

  40. Jay says:

    When we met, my boyfriend was more of a social drinker and had a beer here and there. Now 3 years later he is heavy into drinking. He buys like 4-8, nips at least 6 days out of the week (the 100 proof Smirnoff), sometimes on top of a beer or two. He is a very angry drunk and likes to fight with me and call me out.

    He’s promised to stop and cried for me not to leave. In fact, 2 days ago we fought badly and when he sobered up in the morning he said he would never drink again because our relationship is worth more than alcohol. He’s now been drinking for the past two days. I too cry myself to sleep. I know I’m stronger and smarter than this, but I guess I’m in denial because what we had before he started drinking was so real. I just hide my emotions now.

  41. Gaby says:

    Wow, this is so similar to what I’m going through. I’m 19 years old myself, and I’ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months. He’s 23. He has been drinking since he was 16, and it got really bad. Then there was a period where he had stopped and was only having a casual beer every now and then, and that’s when he met me. But then things started getting really bad in the past two months for him, causing him to become an alcoholic again.

    He has a horrible temper, which I’ve seen. He also never laid a hand on me, but these two things together accompanied by his troubled past are really making me think and hurt, because I don’t want to lose him. My parents, who once wanted to get to know him, want nothing to do with him.

    I love him, I recognize these red flags. He knows he has an issue and it’s hurting me, but this is a real disease and he truly believes he needs the stuff when even he knows it only makes his and my pain worse. I know he loves me, and as much as I try to blame the disease and not him, a part of me wishes he could just realize how much he’s hurting everyone around him and stop. I’m at a loss of wondering what to do.

    I’m floundering for my relationship at this point because we were so perfect before all this came crashing down. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep wondering where we went wrong.

  42. Cee says:

    I am 19 years old, my boyfriend is 20. We have been together for already 1 year and 5 months. Yes, we are young and we do live together. We made huge mistakes, which has landed us in the position to be living with each other. But I do not care, because I love him to death.

    He and I grew up completely different, which makes me believe that this will affect us more and more because it has. He lost a loved one when he was 17, going on 18, and has been drinking since then. He says that’s the reason why, but do I believe him. There are other ways to deal with pain that are healthy, but chooses not to take my advice on it, even before we were together.

    He is the party type of person and I definitely was not, still am not. He has changed so much and people don’t like it and I just think that it’s affecting him more and more because he’s living like a married man (which is what others say), could care less, but now that he and I have gotten in the worse arguments than ever before, it’s really making me think.

    He doesn’t lay a hand on me, but says the most hurtful things, which hurts so badly that I would rather be hit by a truck just because I think it would hurt less. He takes advantage of a “few beers” when I say it’s okay because he hasn’t drank in a while, but then he wants to stay longer at wherever he’s drinking. I just don’t even know if it’s going to stop, but all I can do is pray and pray and hope that he can realize what I’m saying. At this point, I’m feeling so lost and the last thing I want to do is lose him because of alcohol. I hate it so much.

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