I grew up taking care of my four younger sisters… My father was never home and my mother didnt get sober until i turned 16…for that year especially, i had to take care of everyone.
I feel as though i’m reliving my childhood in this relationship. I am grateful for the opportunity I am being given to do that, because this time i am offered a chance to heal, to give up the fight, to say, “Alright, I’m losing this battle. This one’s lost. What’s Next?” and move on to the next phase of my own growth of consciousness…

I’ve been sober for four years, and I’m now beginning to understand the reasons behind why I drank. The feelings behind my drinking. I wanted relief from feeling like i had to be in-control. I still do, but the option to drink is no longer on the table for me. So I have to give up those responsibilities. To REALLY begin to love the little girl inside, and to say, the world is not my fault. I am responsible for myself. The only thing i can control are my own actions. I don’t have to react.

Thanks Alanon for being here. I havent gotten the willingness to go to more than two meetings face to face, but im going online and it’s helping a lot. I know my actions will add up and that eventually i’ll find the courage to change.

1. No longer conducting my life in a way that is detrimental to me or those around me.

2. Being a sponsor and having a sponsor. If I’m going to give the right message, I have to get the right message.

3. Showing up at every home group meeting, if possible. After years in Al-Anon, I have a message that can be of great assistance, but if I’m not at a meeting to share it, it doesn’t do much good. And if I don’t keep hearing the message from others at meetings, left to my own devices, I’ll lose or ignore the message.

4. Being open to service, and not the way I think I should look, but the way my higher power decides it will look. I’ve been part of AA (!) 12-step calls. I don’t know why that is; all I know is that, whenever I ask why, my higher power just smiles and says “Keep coming back”. I just did what my sponsor taught me; when I’m offered the opportunity to be of service, I say “yes”.

I have had instances of service that are outside of my understanding. I’ve had people come up to me and say that they were really touched by what I’d said at a previous meeting, and how it really helped them. I’m grateful for that; trouble is, I usually can’t remember exactly (or sometimes, ANY of) what I told them. I can only conclude that it was my higher power using my voice to speak, and sometimes he has to shut my mind off in order to do that.

I’ve also learned that spiritual awakenings are tailored to the individual. I didn’t get the lightning bolt, because it wouldn’t have helped. I’m afraid of lightning bolts; my higher power knows that about me. I needed an awakening that was subtler, yet no less forceful. And I got it. I can’t tell you exactly when or how. All I can say is that, today, I don’t think anything like the way I used to think before I got into Al-Anon. I no longer want to think that way, could stand to think that way, and can’t foresee any circumstances that would force me to think that way. And if that’s not a spiritual awakening, it’ll sure do ’till the real thing comes along.

I also found out that, sometimes, a character defect isn’t removed; my higher power just brings it back into perspective. Wanting to help someone is a good thing; insisting on helping someone when they didn’t ask for my help and don’t want my help is control, i.e., a character defect. My higher power restored this back to me just being helpful, and then, only when asked.

So my higher power worked in a way that didn’t look the way I thought it was going to look. Imagine that.

The 12th Step promises that if I have worked Steps 1 through 11 I will have a spiritual awakening. This has been fulfilled in my life. I have learned that I never will feel alone in this overwhelming life unless I choose to be. I start each day asking for my Higher Power’s will (I know Him as God) and for help to let go of my own human will. This prayer has given me amazing peace. I try to be the gentle message of Al-Anon at home,work, church, in stores etc. I remember when I was fairly new in Al-Anon(during Christmastime and having very little money), yelling at a cashier for taking such a long time to make a transaction while I was waiting. I REALLY TOLD HER OFF, BUT GOOD! Guess who was a newcomer the following week at my meeting-Yep. I was devastated and learned not to take out my frustrations on someone who cannot say anything back. Thanks God for that hard spirtual awakening.

I cannot imagine spending weeks, months, years in Al-Anon before doing a Step 4. I also cannot imagine taking weeks, months, years to complete Step 4 (& not immediately do Step 5).

For me, the layers of bubbling, burning, scarring, erupting negative emotions which surrounded my every thought and feeling did not allow for new ideas to take hold. Within a month of coming to Al-Anon, I got a sponsor who quickly took me through Steps 1-3 and directly into Step 4. She could see/feel/hear how raw I was … I needed immediate relief.

My sponsor believed in the simplicity of the program. I was told to write down (using pen and paper) my resentments against people, places, and things, including myself and my higher power. I was to ask my higher power for His help in doing what I was not able to do for myself. It was hard to start writing but within an hour, I could not stop writing except for basic needs. She said I would know when I was done … I would feel dry, drained of all emotion … and she was right.

I have seen the Blueprint and know that it was written to be used in groups. I cannot imagine how an individual would use it and not go nutty. I know that if it had been given to me to use in my initial 4th Step, I would have run away … from Al-Anon, from life. When I came to Al-Anon, I was completely defeated. Al-Anon was my last hope. Thankfully, my higher power brought the Al-Anons into my life who knew how to reach me.

My higher power will let me know when it is time to dig deeper and do another 4th Step.

Being a loving sister to my sister as she struggles with a life-threatening illness is a no-brainer. I don’t have a clue how to help her, but my HP is guiding me along letting me know that to call with a funny story or to reassure her that the next decision she makes in her treatment will be the right one, does help.

But when my husband doesn’t follow my time-table around a project at home, I get into a funk. Why can’t he just do it my way? But I am learning that my HP will help me with that if I let him. I don’t have to be the boss of every project. As a helper, if my husband asks me to do my own thing and wait until he calls on me to help, all I have to do is go about my own day with a good attitude. The project will get done and my husband will appreciate that I stayed out of his way.

BUT what is really important as I meditate on the situation is the realization that I want to help more directly with the project to be close to my husband. I can do that by making him a cup of cocoa or running to the store to pick up something he needs. I don’t have to be drilling or cutting along side him to find closeness in sharing a mutual goal.

My HP is showing me that, like my husband, I need to do the things my HP wants me to do, not the things I think I need to do, to accomplish a goal. Sometimes I have to go about my business and let my HP run the project. He’ll let me know when and how to directly help. I can get that direction by praying for his will and the power to carry that out. I can get that direction if I meditate and hear his directions for me.

Next, I try to spend time meditating by focusing my full mind and attention on one word or phrase – maybe “Thank You,” or “Amen” or the “Serenity prayer.” I continue my meditation by seeking moments of gratitude throughout the day – appreciating God’s creation around me in a beautiful blue Ohio sky or the graceful flight of a bird – or when I receive an unexpected smile from a stranger. By intentionally starting my day on a sound spiritual foundation, my days are elevated to a spiritual level where everything I do is done more mindfully, giving me more strength, satisfaction, and joy to deal with whatever life brings.

For someone who may be ‘chemically dependent’ (i.e. addicted to alcohol or any other drug. Sometimes people dependent on alcohol will abuse a stimulant/upper to attempt to function/go to work/hang out, etc.) the first step would be going to a support group and getting an ‘assessment’ (evaluation).

Due to the severe risks of stopping drinking it’s best to call a local hospitals medical detoxification (‘detox’) for an evaluation. From there a specialist determines whether medical detox is required (often with alcohol, for example, seizures can take place and yes they can be deadly).

The detox ‘intake’ specialist will then refer the person to medical detox or less likely to residential/’inpatient’ for a 2 or 3 week program (varies widely, longer programs often approved when women are pregnant for example).

After any medical detox to keep the person safe getting off alcohol there is either inpatient our outpatient based on the individual’s needs (explored in an assessment/interview) to determine residential/non residential.

Outpatient varies in intensity or frequency that is. A few times a week for a few hours a day, almost every day of the week etc. depending on the assessment/needs of that person. Urine tests called ‘UA’s are done for accountability.

‘Aftercare’ is a term sometimes used for after more frequent outpatient…it may just be weekly…

I would think that if someone qualifies for residentialinpatient that they generalliy are recommended to slowly decrease structure…going then to outpatient before or after work…getting what is known as ‘clean and sober’ housing before returning to live at hoome (so that signs of using and immediate support are available with roommates)…

One source for clean and sober housing are The Oxford House. People who are chemically dependent can search for openings to rent a room in a real home, some allow pets and they are individually run.

So before you go doing the work for someone else consider just sending them: I learned that living with other people working a program of recovery can really help and The Oxford House is a nationwide group that lists rooms to rent in ‘clean and sober housing’ that meets their group’s criteria. I learned that generally you need to already have a job and that you do need to pay some up front rent money. The interview you on the phone or in person and there is a weekly house meeting. Some even have pets and you can stay as long as it’s working out, that’s up to you. I also learned going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and getting a sponsor asap that you can call anytime is a free way to get help from people who really get the disease of addiction. And that you can call around for medical detox at the hospitals or even go to an ER and ask for detox off of alcohol for a referral. I’m going to leave the research up to you, because I love you but I no longer want to be doing the work that benefits you the most. After all, the choice is ultimately yours.

The amends that stand out the most were the ones that the person died soon after. My father was in the hospital when I told him I loved him and made amends to him. He died two days later. I used to call my husbands sister and tell her what a rotten brother she had, this time I called and asked if I could come over and talk to her and her husband. I explained about Al-Anon and the Steps. I made my amends and they were very forgiving and loving. It changed our relationship to the point that 6 months later when her husband died suddenly she called me to be with her through it all. And twenty years later when she was dying of ALS I walked with her through that.

Step 9 is a beautiful gift. It has freed me from a life of guilt and fear and given me relationships based in love and respect.

Working on myself and changing the things that I can, is enough to keep me busy. I have a full life and have gotten to the point where I have learned to smile. I feel grateful to have been brought to my “Bottom” because so much of me has changed as a result of my husbands illness.

I will not say every day is a bed of roses. There are times I get lonley and wish I had my husband back. But I also have tools to work the program and keep the focus on me. I can only pray that my husband will desire a recovery program. That too is in God’s hands and His timing. My job is to try and be the best me I can be and to continue to work on me. Hang in there and don’t give up. The road to recovery is not easy but is very rewarding. They say “It works if you work it” I have found it to be true. We are not guaranteed that our loved ones will find sobriety, but we can learn to be content and even happy wheather the alcoholic is still drinking or not. That to me was a miracle as I never thought I could be content if “He” did not change.

I know now that if I am whining about how someone owes me an amend, that I had better take my own inventory and work the Steps to find out what amends I need to make, and then make them. There is nothing attractive or serene or spiritual about a sense of entitlement. My sponsor told me that other people have the right to not make amends to me. If I start thinking everyone owes me amends, then I have reverted back to who I was before I was practicing Al-Anon; I have become a victim who doesn’t take responsibility for my life.

My sponsor gave me a great foundation in the Steps and this has been useful when I sponsor others. I worked with someone who needed to make amends to her partner. She showed such courage and honesty and did not flinch from taking responsibility for her actions. By being a witness to her recovery, I learned a lot about how I could improve my practice of Step Nine.

Working Step Nine without following it up with Steps Ten and Eleven is too hard for me. I need Step Ten to keep me on track, to make sure I am amending my behavior. I need Step Eleven to keep me close to the god of my understanding; without that I lose my courage.

I had to ask my Higher Power to guide me in this process, in order to find the courage to make amends in an appropriate order and with the appropriate words. Most of all, my aptitude and my attitude had to be moderate and positive. I had to keep the process very simple but I also had to use personall discipline and avoid to point fingers at others.

What was not easy for me was to focus only on myself, on my part in the various events as well as the situations and the incidents that brought me to make these amends. The part of others in the events and their reactions were not mine to worry about. Some people were open-minded, others didn’t recognize anything in the events I was relating, while some of these people just added to the faults I already admitted to. The exercise was not always easy , but it was liberating. I was finally experiencing some peace with others and with myself.

Thanks to that process, mending has taken place. I could start to build on a solid and balanced relationships with others and with myself «One Day At the Time».

After I came into the program and began working the steps, the 4th, 5th and 9th steps loomed ahead – scary for me to even think about – but I continued working through those steps diligently, with the help of a good sponsor, a good step meeting and lots of time spent in Al-Anon meetings and practical application.

Making my 9th step amends has not been easy for me. Although I had prepared myself by working the previous steps, it was still diffcult to look people in the eye and admit my shortcomings. The fact that it was not easy attests to the gravity and committment to my amends, as opposed to the casual “I’m sorries” of the past, or the avoidance I practiced, hoping “things” would smooth over without any action on my part.

My amends to my alcoholic mother were probably the most surprising of all. I never felt truly close to her, even as a child. There was always a distance, a barrier, between us. I wrote her a letter of amends, to make sure I did not leave anything out. I sat in the living room with her and read the letter one afternoon. It was a tearful, emotional experience that freed me in so many ways. After I made my amends, I found I was able to let go of all of the harsh, unrealistic expectations I had of her. I was able to totally accept her and love her unconditionally, and we formed a wonderful, very close, intimate bond. Although she was unable to consistently maintine sobriety, we were able to consistently maintain a close, loving relationship. She died in 1999 and I am grateful every day for the healing we both received through my 9th step amends to her and the lovely years we had before she passed away.

When I have made direct amends it implied I knew what I had done wrong, and I knew how to correct it. For me that was not always the case, and pressuring me during those times to make amends just caused me additional harm. I tried to figure things out, and the more I tried the more obsessive and confused I became. It propelled me to force solutions which never worked.

Before making direct amends, I needed to feel my feelings. I needed to ask myself what I felt. What were my thoughts related to those feelings, and what were my beliefs associated with the thoughts? Once I sorted those 3 areas out, I needed to decide what needed to change, my behavior or my beliefs? When I stole someone’s pen I felt guilty. I made amends by returning the pen or I paid for a new pen. When I made 99 out of 100 on a test, I felt guilt or shame because I did not get 100. I needed to ask, “Should I make amends by changing my behavior (by trying harder and studying more on the next test), or changing my belief (by saying a 99 out of 100 is ok)”. Today I tell myself 99 out of 100 is ok. I change my beliefs rather than my behavior.

Past experiences have taught me to make direct amends by either changing by behavior or changing my beliefs. Knowing this has better prepared me to make direct amends to people I have harmed.

Others did not always see things as I saw them. In my alcoholic home I was seen as the problem rather than the one who was victimized. Others wanted justice. To them, justice meant I should be punished. I felt confused when others did not see things as I saw them.

Al-Anon’s Eighth Step taught me to make a list of all those I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Fortunately I had worked the previous steps. By then I realized growing up in an alcoholic home distorted my perceptions. I realized my marriage relationship had been impacted by my past experiences growing up in alcoholism. I learned feelings were not right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. What made them right or wrong was how I responded to them.

What were my thoughts and beliefs about my feelings? My thoughts and beliefs were distorted. I learned that what I believed was not always true.

Who should go on my list? Who had I actually harmed? Someone told me I should put my name on the list. They said my name should even go on the top of the list. I realized my false beliefs about my world were at the heart of my poor choices. Those choices led to behaviors and consequences that added to my problems rather than helping me improve my life.

Putting my name on the list led to a willingness to add others and make amends to them all. That improved my relationships and my life.

My sponsor told me to make sure that I am on the list of persons I had harmed – and I did. I also added the alcoholics in my family, and people outside my family who I harmed by my inaction, inattention and disinterest. The challenge to me with step 8 is that I have to be aware of my behavior, accept my role in a relationship (good or bad), and decide on a course of action to prevent further harm. thank goodness for Al-Anon and a better way of living!

Maybe this is my realization of the first step. I can get all lawyered-up and try once more to force the issue but perhaps I am powerless after all. Sure feels unmanageable.

What allowed me to be more honest was that I did not have to ask myself if I had to or wanted to make amends to those people, I just had to consent and be ready to go into action when and if needed.

After making the list, I asked myself: How and why have I hurt those people? What was my relationship with them? What shortcoming or character defect has brought me to act in such a way? What emotions was I going through when this took place? The answers to those questions were certainly not always clear, but they allow me to go deeper into the process. This also helped me to see better where I was in regard to Step 4 and 5 that had helped me to better know myself and Steps 6 and 7 that were helping me to put some balance in my life.

During this process, that happened gradually,I was gently guided by my Higher Power. He helped me to better come to terms with my responsibilities in regard to those realities from my past and making a list of those people I had hurt was part of it. This Step gave me the momentum to better prepare and understand the Steps to come.

For me Step 7 is an ongoing step as character defects {shortcomings} are revealed to me. In maintaining rigorous honesty in Steps 4 and 5, in how I was affected by the disease in growing up, new life experiences reveal underlying character defects that still play out in my adult relationships. “HUMBLY”, means I understand by now that I am in right relationship with a God that has compassion and love for my humanity and I have some awareness of my strengths and limitations. But, I choose to grow! So in order to grow, aspects of my self that are not conducive to healthy relating need to be removed. I need God’s help in their removal so I “ASK”.
“OUR” reminds me that I am not alone. Everyone I walk with in Al-Anon suffers from the same challenges and defects as me in varying degrees, depending on how they were affected. There is no shame in sharing our common humanity. That is the beauty of our Al-Anon fellowship. We share a common bond of suffering from the effects of another’s drinking behavior/alcoholism.
Step 7 tells me that if I truly understand and am experiencing the pain and limitations of holding onto a part of my character that blocks my growth, God’s awesome power will move me further into the sunlight of my spirit, if I so humbly ask.

Today I have been pushed to the limit finally, and am starting to accept that I can’t do anything to help him or to change our relationship until he engages with it. It is a struggle, my mum was always sick when I was a child and I have known for some time that that affected me. I thought I had dealt with it, but life’s events have shown me differently! I still want to make him better, even when it practically breaks me to try. I like the idea that you work with these steps daily, and that there isn’t a point at which you or anyone else is ‘fixed’ – you just keep trying your best each day. And I am going to try really really hard to accept where I have no power. To face the fears that make me desperate to fix things, and to focus on myself. I have no power over him, or anyone, to change; I can only stick to my own healthy ground rules. Is that the difference between love and codependency? I would like to help others, but it has to be on the basis that they engage with it and respect me. Not at any cost.

Yesterday he told me that because he has essentially (except for a few times) been alcohol free for a few months, he now knows that he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He told me that he knows himself and there is no issue, it’s all in my head and it’s my issue.

My reaction was to try to gain control over the situation by telling him that he does have a problem and that he needs to talk to someone if he doesn’t believe me. He’s been deceitful to me several times over alcohol and drug related issues and I questioned whether or not he was being honest about a discussion he had with his psychiatrist. Obviously I haven’t yet realized that I’m powerless over alcohol.

He left the house and I haven’t heard from him since other than him texting me to leave him alone. This is very painful and I’m not sure that I want to have this drama and hurt in my life. We have a baby and if not for her, I wouldn’t even be trying and I have to wonder if it would be better for her for me not to try anymore.

I want to say to him that he either needs to enter the program or I won’t continue in the marriage, but that feels like I’m trying to control him and the situation. It’s like an ultimatum for him to conform to my wishes.

If he had cancer, I’d be by his side, because he’s an alcoholic, I want to leave. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong.

But I have surrendered the unhealthy fear of opening myself to others so I won’t get rejected, or I won’t have to confront growing pains. That exaggerated fear, which does NOT help me, I surrender willingly to my Higher Power. I can do so with the help of my sponsor and program friends and attending meetings and reading CAL. I ask myself, “Am I over reacting?” and I also ask myself, “Am I taking a situation too personally?” When I detach from a situation, really emotionally detach with love, I can place a problem in its true perspective. I can really assess whether or not my fear is healthy, or a character defect I need to ask my Higher Power to remove.

Until I did a thorough Step Four and then Step Five, I did not understand Steps Six and Seven. Only when I fully understood that my problems came from my choices did I appreciate Six and Seven.

I started out thinking that Step Seven meant that once I identified a defect and asked for it to be removed, that it would be. When it wasn’t I felt frustrated. Over time I stopped giving orders to the god of my understanding and began to emphasize my willingness to not get my way, to be of service, to change.

There is a moment just before I misbehave when I have a choice about my action. When I can remember to ask the god of my understanding for help right in that moment, I am more likely to surrender my will and to do the right thing – keep silent, say thank you, speak up – whatever the right thing is. I can ask right in the moment for the defect to leave me.

My sponsor told me that the way I would know that I had really done Step Seven was to move on to Step Eight. If I was resisting anything about making a list of those I had harmed, if I was unwilling to make amends, then perhaps I was not yet ready to be changed, and I could return to Step Seven. Fear and pride have been obstacles to making amends. When they get in my way, I spend time on Steps Six and Seven, becoming willing to change and asking for help.

At a meeting someone suggested that perhaps the god of my understanding sometimes uses me and my defects to carry a message of how not to behave. She would cheerily say, “Oh, today it was my turn to be the bad example!” This idea has helped me both with self acceptance and with feeling compassion for someone who has been out of line. Perhaps the person who is annoying me today is also being of service to god by being the ‘bad example.’

• I feel I have a debt to repay to Al-Anon for the help I have received from this program
• I have a desire to ensure that any newcomer walking in the door has the advantage of
having received the same wonderful program which I did, and
• I am selfish! Service does wonderful things for my growth, so I want to serve.
As the pamphlet states, “When I Got Busy, I Got Better.” When I am too busy to pay much attention to what my alcoholics are doing or not doing, my focus goes back to where my control is — myself. In addition, the irritable moments are much easier to deal with in a healthy way, as my brain thinks in terms of program, directing me to appropriate ways to handle those times.

I have also had it noted to me that this program is like a 3-legged stool: Recovery, Unity, Service. If I leave out one of the 3, the stool doesn’t stand up any longer!!

Once I put the focus on me, I realized I could change my life by making changes and stop contributing to the problems. I wasn’t responsible for what others did, but I was responsible for what I did. Once I realized this, it dawned on me I reacted to others irresponsibly. I needed to stop reacting. That was a problem. I realized I was powerless over my reactions. I wanted to change, but I couldn’t bring myself to make those changes.

It was Step 6 that brought me to the point I was ready to have God remove my character defects, and it was Step 7 when I came to the point of asking God to remove those short comings, because I realized I was powerless to do it myself. I needed help. I had come to the place of humility and asked Him to remove those short comings.

I only ask for defect removal after realizing that I have been incapable of removing the defects myself. My struggle with defects must cease. I must surrender and turn the defects over the God of my understanding. I ask for defect removal one at a time. It takes time for me to realize the need to release this or that defect of character. Sometimes I come to the realization after hearing a sharing at my Al-Anon meeting. Sometimes I come to the realization after self reflection and meditation.

My burden is lighter with each turnover of a character defect to the God of my understanding. Step Eight and Step Nine are follow-up to Step Seven. With each burden and defect that I release, I find the need to replace that part of my life with something positive; else my life can end up with a lot of holes in it. My life is better now and my path is truer.

How Al-Anon Works for Me

1. Perhaps what I’ve been doing in not the Only way.

2. I believe there are Other ways because I see others at peace.

3. I commit to an experiment. I’ll try an Other way.

4. With the assistance of another, I’ll look at myself.

5. With the assistance of another, I’ll express what I see.

6. I see I’ve burdened… myself. Do I wish to be unburdened?

7. O hell yes!

8. Oh, what a mess…. Did I create that?

9. That’s better, lighter. Funny, cleaning used to be such a chore. 

10. Just for today I look at me; I express what I see; I watch in wonder as these momentary burdens fall from me; I see my part, and I watch myself clean effortlessly. 

11. By looking at me, I finally understand you. You are fascinating, as you have ceased being a threat to me. What an odd dream that was. Would you care for a cup of tea?

12. O my god….

I proved the value of this Step to myself recently when my husband and I had a strong disagreement. He threatened to leave and rather than react, I let him stew on that thought for a couple of weeks, letting him spend the time alone which he chose. I did nothing to influence his actions, but rather, left it in my Higher Power’s hands. After that amount of time, he started seeing how much we do mean to each other and he changed his mind. As I always do when he helps me, I thanked God for his loving guidance.

I was very much ready to give to my Higher Power any defects he wanted to remove from me. Well here I am many years later and sometimes those same defects pop up once in a while, but I don’t enjoy them anymore and know what to do-get down on my knees and say thank you God that I don’t have to live that way anymore.

The funny thing is my self pity was replaced with empathy for others and justifying was replaced with self honesty. A much better and healthier way to deal with life.

I didn’t understand this Step until I had finished my Fourth and Fifth Steps.

Before writing inventory, I did not realize how much I had contributed to my problems. I thought I had been a victim of the bad behavior of other people, and that if they would behave, everything would be fine. I had thought that my problems were not my fault.

My Fourth Step inventory had revealed to me how much harm I had caused to myself and others. Even when other people had wronged me, I had added to my woes by my action or inaction. Not only that, I had caused harm in many more ways that I had dreamt possible. I had been so self-absorbed that I had not realized how my behavior affected others.

After sharing my inventory with my sponsor (Step Five), I spent time in reflection. For the first time, I understood Step Six. I discovered that I become entirely ready to have a defect removed when I fully realize the consequences of my behavior. When I really grasp the import of what I have done, it is easy and natural to move on to Step Seven and ask for my defects to be removed.

What allows me to keep being aware of the consequences on my choices is working Steps Ten and Eleven. When I do that, I can continue to be ready to let go of my defects.

Admitting I had character defects was another issue. I believed I was the victim, the person who had been harmed. I believed it was the alcoholic that needed to change, not me. How could I admit having character defects or wrongs when I had this attitude?

Fortunately Step 6 does not say I have to admit my character defects. It says I need to be entirely ready for God to remove them. And that’s what I experienced, after working steps 1 through 5. I saw God doing for me what I could not do for myself. I had to surrender—let go and let God. When I got out of the way God moved in.

The first three steps helped me work Step 6. Step 1—I can’t, Step 2—He can, and Sep 3—I’ll let Him. By admitting I was powerless, believing God could restore me to sanity, and letting Him control my life rather than me controlling it, I laid the foundation for Step 6—I became ready for God to remove my defects of character.

At first glance this step, for me, seemed both easy and obvious. Yes, I believe in God and No, I am not insane. I would have stated this the first time I crossed the threshold of Al-Anon had I been interviewed. Looking back now the truth wasn’t so easy and obvious. If insanity is trying to control the behavior of others and failing, then I was insane. I now realize that “insanity” means more than being bound in a strait-jacket sitting in a padded cell. If having a belief in God but leaving no space within which He could touch my life was a form of faith, then I was an A1 disciple. Prior to Al-Anon I honestly felt that God had more important things to do. As a faithful servant I would take care of my life leaving God more time to help others in far more need. What pride! I was taught that if at first you don’t succeed then try, try again. Giving up was not an option. If I was failing in any aspect in my life then I just needed to put in more effort. Increase the volume. On top of this, in the wake of wars, famines, tsunami’s, terrorism, recession, why on earth would God find time for me?
Through the program I am now beginning to understand that sanity involves accepting that my Higher Power can and wants to work in MY life. That the turning over of my life to a power greater than myself is crucial in restoring me to sanity. So much of this process involves restraint, stepping back, and allowing the God of my understanding to gently lead me back into my box. God paints a masterpiece in my life when I step back and I just need to remember what my painting ended up looking like…..(not something that would be hung in the Guggenheim, for sure)! What I find really disarming is when I do exercise wise restraint and step back the sheer speed at which my Higher Power moves in to my life. I find that experience scary (in a good way) but it also feels very alien, very new, very unfamiliar. It is a way of life that I have never experienced before and while it has only brought goodness, gentleness, joy and peace it still feels a bit like wearing new shoes…painful but good

What I was blind to, or couldn’t let myself see, was my husband gradually going from a cocktail at the end of the day to “relax with” to a very real and growing problem drinker. For the last year, it had become “normal” for me to expect that he would start out jovially, then as the level in the vodka bottle fell, move to anger that I didn’t love him enough, that I was selfish, to maudlin self pity and nobody ever loved him, etc until he finally passed out on the couch and I just left him there and went up to bed alone. I didn’t dare wake him because I knew he would just drink some more.

A car accident that he had while drinking finally pushed him into AA. Yesterday he picked up his 30-day chip. He seems to be really working the program, although he’s been talking about doing the fourth step for quite a few days and so far has only bought notebooks for it. I think he dreads it. I know, I KNOW, it’s none of my business. It’s his business, but I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Step one is hard, because the illusion of having control has been with me for so long. No, it didn’t work for me, but at least it felt like I was trying to do something to help him. Now I know I wasn’t helping him at all when I begged and nagged. thank y’all for letting me say all this.

I have no time to dread step 1. I know I will have to go through each and every one of my life experiences and connect them to my thinking errors that I live with today. It's gonna take a while and it'll hurt like mad. But as I said, I have no time to dread or avoid working through it all.

When I shared an extremely difficult memory of mine the other day at my home group, my sponsor told me to write about how this experience in particular has affected myself today and how has it made my life unmanageable. And at first, I thought, "wellll …. it hasn't really affected me that much, I mean I try not to think about it and that way I dont get upset," But as I started writing… I gave myself time to realize just how deeply embedded this experience is and how it explains why I panic and get extremely frustrated when my husband or mother or friend blows off what I'm saying to them. It explains why I feel I need to be thoroughly heard and understood.
When we speak, we think with just the surfaces of our minds, but when we write, we give ourselves tie to really dig deep and figure out just HOW our experiences have created the inability to manage our lives today.

I have so much to discover in this program and I hope that my perspective can help clarify for newcomers and even anybody at all that stumbles upon this.

- Elena

After many years in Al-Anon practicing this step, my life is much more serene now. When I turn my will over to my Higher Power, I don’t turn over my responsibility for my actions and behavior, or sit around waiting for my HP to do all the work and solve all the problems; I just acknowledge the parts of my life I do have power over and the parts I don’t, and try to live from that.

The biggest lesson Step Three has taught me is that I don’t need my Higher Power to protect me from what will happen—I’ve found I can deal with that pretty well; I need my Higher Power to protect me from what I think SHOULD happen. That’s my problem: my illusion of control.

I am grateful that Al-Anon is a spiritual program, because at this stage of my life, I am completely non-religious. My Higher Power knows that’s what I need to do right now. He also knows that, when I lose my serenity, it’s because there are still some things I’m reluctant to turn over; he can’t take what I won’t give him.

One reason is that once I got to know my will, power, and willpower a bit in late adolescence as I got some freedom and my own identity, the idea of years later of willingly letting it go was so unappealing. Feeling like I had any power or autonomy was still new to me, I had known it less than half my life. So for me, really letting go and detaching is something at a core level I connect with being helpless, not powerless and supported by a power of my understanding–and that surpasses my understanding. I can’t disconnect my Higher Power from other people I made my higher power.

Plus, I still get confused. If I act out with controlling behaviors, sometimes I do see this influence another’s behavior. It’s not healthy, and spiritually drains me–but seeing that concrete result it’s difficult to understand how to let HP in the equation. Two weeks ago I saw my mentally ill father was neglecting his dog. I insisted he get her poor grooming corrected because of her discomfort. In the interim, I was too busy at work (draining, but a gift from HP) and I wanted to call the dog’s vet and tell them to set something up and superficially prayed. I found out today he did take her–he’s still barely functional, but could do it. The behavior from the “defect” place–nagging and worrying–in all areas will hopefully diminish as prayer and detachment increase, but it is a slow shift.

Thanks to everyone for sharing, and for the newcomers for their inspiring courage.

The reality check came when I discussed the areas where I played a role in the hurt or fear of another person – and how I could avoid playing that role again. And where I had acted like a victim when I was a volunteer.

Thankfully I have a great sponsor, and I am joyous in the program!

When I sat down to do my 4th Step, I was surprised at what I found out about myself. And relieved when I realized my flaws weren’t as awful as I feared they might be. Very empowering to take my own inventory and to take control of my own life.

No, I didn’t rush into the 4th Step with enthusiasm or joy, but by the time I was done, I was ready to keep moving through the Steps and to work on becoming the person my Higher Power wants me to be.

When I started attending Al-Anon I saw and heard others who were like me. What I heard confirmed my belief that I had been victimized by the family disease of alcoholism, but I heard something new also. I heard and began to believe that I had contributed to the problem. That was a difficult pill to swallow until I realized the person I had hurt the most was myself. I had allowed myself to be a victim. And because I was a victim and had been hurt, I unconsciously set out to hurt others. That seldom harmed those who victimized me; it usually harmed me the most.

When I realized I had harmed myself and others, it was relatively easy to admit my wrongs to God. And thanks to Al-Anon I was also able to admit this to another human being, because I found safe people in the Al-Anon meetings. When I did share the things I had done, sometimes the person I shared this with replied they had done similar things. I wasn’t alone. Others understood where I was coming from.

I’ve only been in Al-Anon for six months…my qualifier is my spouse…But I’ve realized, my poor mother grew up an ACOA…and I suspect my dad too… I am coming to new realizations…they did the best they could.

This gentler acceptance…is surely part of Step 4. I am loosing my hard line expectations.

I am realizing so many of my ‘great’ traits…those that have me manage work well, coordinate big affairs, be the go-to person for many friends and family, has me brave in new situations and all this kind of stuff are also– and TOO often– the underside of the nasty traits that show in my character, especially with my qualifiers…Instead, what shows is my controlling nature, my fear of allowing life to take its course…my desire to not hear their ‘crap’ and to be impatient with them. And a lot of my bad choices were self-driven…and without enough faith in a higher power.

Step 4…at times it is overwhelming to discover the choices I’ve made… I have to ‘easy does it’ quite often. Only recently found a sponsor (actually my HP managed this in a very cool way) and am being encouraged and my ‘hand is held’ when needed.

I know now, I have goals in my process. I know now I want to feel better about who I am and the choices I make. I really want to and have been working to keep my self-awareness up…so that I can think first, be kind and when in doubt…pray…

I don’t want to beat myself up which at times Step 4 has me feeling more down about me than up…but it is only the beginning and I have 52 years to cover!

So…I’m progressing. I’m blessed. And I am grateful to my god, to my loving husband–also my qualifier that I have found Al-Anon and these steps to help me aim towards and create a healthier, core-deep serene life.

Thanks for listening.

I starting writing an inventory before I had a sponsor, and then when I got a
sponsor, she had me start back at Step One. At the time I was somewhat
frustrated with this; I thought it was a waste of time. Looking back, though, I
can see that it was important for me to make sure I really had the experience of
working through Steps One, Two and Three. Whenever i got stuck writing
inventory, she suggested that I revisit the previous Steps, especially Step
Three. She taught me to turn to Step Three when I was afraid, because in order
to do a fearless inventory, I needed to feel safe and cared for by a spiritual
power.

Step Four changed my understanding of my life. I saw for the first time how I
had contributed to my problems. I thought I had problems because other people
were mean or selfish; I learned that other people can do whatever they want and
that I have a responsibility to get out of their way. This realization did not
make me feel shame. It gave me a feeling of freedom. If I have caused my
problems, then I can do something about them. As long as I think someone or
something else has caused them, I remain a victim who has no control over my
life.

An inventory records everything – including assets. I need to remember that I am not just a bundle of character defects. If I think that’s all I am or all I have, I won’t be willing to have the god of my understanding remove them and won’t take Step Seven. My sponsor told me that my defects are good traits that I have taken to extreme and that there is always a positive side to them.

When I looked in the storage areas beneath the shoe displays, I found out why there was a back up of new shoes in the stock room. Beneath each display counter were storage areas stuffed full of unmatched shoes. There was no room for the new shoes.

To correct the problem, storage areas beneath each shoe display counter needed to be emptied. The unmatched shoes needed to be dealt with in a separate process, and the new shoes from the stock room needed to be placed in the storage areas beneath the shoe displays. When the shoes on display sold, new shoes stored beneath could then be placed on top, and shoes in the stock room could be placed in the storage areas beneath the shoe displays.

My personal inventory worked the same way. I looked good on the outside, but I was a mess inside. To correct my situation, I needed to deal with my inner life—my thoughts, my beliefs, and my feelings. It was a messy process. My thoughts and beliefs were tangled and twisted when I first came to Al-Anon. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I was familiar with fear and anger, that’s all. It took several years and many Al-Anon meetings to untangle my thoughts and beliefs. My emotions gradually healed.

I was told to keep coming back, and each meeting I came back to helped restore me to sanity, manageability, and serenity.

The other huge stumbling block I have found is the situation of not having a person to make amends to because of death or being unable to find them. When I cannot find a person, my Higher Power may not determine me quite ready, and may have that person “appear” in my life at some future point, so patience is sometimes necessary. If I do not expect to be able to make direct contact with a person, such as in the case of death, I have found that I need to use some creativity. Not being a terribly creative person, this has been a challenge for me, but this challenge is part of the accomplishment of my step. For someone who has passed away, I have been able to extend the amend to a family member, repaying my debt to them. For someone I do not expect to locate, I have found a newer acquaintance with similarities, to whom I can extend my amend. I have written a letter to someone to whom I cannot make amends, and read it aloud to myself and my Higher Power. The cleansing effect has been quite effective.