Aug 01 2010
Step Eight
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Eight.
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18 comments
When I came to Al-Anon I saw myself as a victim. I had been harmed. I wanted justice, and justice meant that those who harmed me should be punished. That was my perception.
Others did not always see things as I saw them. In my alcoholic home I was seen as the problem rather than the one who was victimized. Others wanted justice. To them, justice meant I should be punished. I felt confused when others did not see things as I saw them.
Al-Anon’s Eighth Step taught me to make a list of all those I had harmed and become willing to make amends to them all. Fortunately I had worked the previous steps. By then I realized growing up in an alcoholic home distorted my perceptions. I realized my marriage relationship had been impacted by my past experiences growing up in alcoholism. I learned feelings were not right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. What made them right or wrong was how I responded to them.
What were my thoughts and beliefs about my feelings? My thoughts and beliefs were distorted. I learned that what I believed was not always true.
Who should go on my list? Who had I actually harmed? Someone told me I should put my name on the list. They said my name should even go on the top of the list. I realized my false beliefs about my world were at the heart of my poor choices. Those choices led to behaviors and consequences that added to my problems rather than helping me improve my life.
Putting my name on the list led to a willingness to add others and make amends to them all. That improved my relationships and my life.
Step 8 seemed ‘easy’ because I felt like I had harmed so many people – when I started attending Al-Anon meetings I was so beaten down inside that I was sure I was the cause of everyone’s misery. When I worked the steps in order, I realized that although I tend to take other peoples’ actions personally, most people aren’t directing their feelings toward me. They have no idea that I think they’re upset with me – and I had to work on not taking their actions personally.
My sponsor told me to make sure that I am on the list of persons I had harmed – and I did. I also added the alcoholics in my family, and people outside my family who I harmed by my inaction, inattention and disinterest. The challenge to me with step 8 is that I have to be aware of my behavior, accept my role in a relationship (good or bad), and decide on a course of action to prevent further harm. thank goodness for Al-Anon and a better way of living!
The 8th Step talks about making a list. I had to acknowledge that people mentioned on that list would deserve my attention. I chose to write all the names that came to mind, without analysing, questioning or justifying their being there. If I had acted differently , I would have started to eliminate some names and lack transparency. I simply had to be honest and stop the justifying game so familiar to me.
What allowed me to be more honest was that I did not have to ask myself if I had to or wanted to make amends to those people, I just had to consent and be ready to go into action when and if needed.
After making the list, I asked myself: How and why have I hurt those people? What was my relationship with them? What shortcoming or character defect has brought me to act in such a way? What emotions was I going through when this took place? The answers to those questions were certainly not always clear, but they allow me to go deeper into the process. This also helped me to see better where I was in regard to Step 4 and 5 that had helped me to better know myself and Steps 6 and 7 that were helping me to put some balance in my life.
During this process, that happened gradually,I was gently guided by my Higher Power. He helped me to better come to terms with my responsibilities in regard to those realities from my past and making a list of those people I had hurt was part of it. This Step gave me the momentum to better prepare and understand the Steps to come.
I see the same small word repeated in this step; “all” is used twice. That lets me know it is important to be thorough when doing this step. I think there are often people to whom i DID do harm, but i want to trivalize the harm done, to minimize, to not include that person & that harm in my “all” list. In order to know whether to include someone, I have to think about what it means to do harm. I have to step aside from my inclination to try to make myself look better–better than others, better than i used to be. i must focus on the question, “Did i do harm?” and then get honest about what i need to do about it, what i am willing to do. This is a lot like being under a microscope, looking at myself. It’s not all pretty, not by a long shot. I have learned that my willingness to be honest with myself and with others is a key to working a recovery program, to progess in regaining my sanity and in furthering my serenity. “Keeping short accounts” is helpful to me in regard to this Step. I dont want to look over months or weeks when i do this Step. Rather, i want to “Keep current” so that my review of my own behavior is likely to cover days or even hours, not years or months. This Step teaches me to be responsible
for my own actions, to not try to blame my behavior choices on others. Step 8 is a vitally important Step in my own recovery. I am grateful to be in this program!!
My program is about changing my behavior and redefining my relationships. I did not come into program willing to make amends. I was only able to do that with the Faith I found in Step 2. Coming to believe that there is a Power that could and would, if s/he were sought, restore me to a life free of despair gave me the courage to become Willing.
When I have Faith I am graced with gifts. Willingness is a gift – the key principle in Step 8:) Now when I listen in meetings I hear the people that are willing to change, and the people that are willing to want.
Spiritual willingness doesn’t mean wanting. Wanting means that I am still attached to my own outcome. I want X to happen. Willing means keeping an open mind to the outcome. I experienced the benefits of the program when HP graced me with the gift of Willingness.
I did not experience the benefits of the program when I was focused on wanting.
Willingness is searchng for a solution within. Wanting is searching for a solution without. Willing to make amends in an inward journey. I am grateful to all of the teachers I have met in Al-Anon meetings who showed me the difference.
I made a list of 4 columns: Name of the person, relationship, harm that I did, reason for the amend. Over and over again it was clear to me that the harm I did was in making those people responsible for my emotional, physical and spiritual life. Responsible for my happiness, my despair, my trouble, my finances, my resentments, my sex life. The harm that I did to myself was in not participating in relationships as an equal. I focused on differences, not similarities, and never enjoyed the benefits of a common welfare.
This step allowed me to finally move forward in my life with Faith, not fear.
My comment is that you need to see how hard you are on yourself. The most powerful step 9 I ever saw was a letter written to ones self. Then to the higher power of that person. After step 4 it really turnes into names we have resentments about, not whom we have harmed. Ask your higher power for the ability to see these people more and know that it is in his time not ours.
The word “harmed” means to damage, torment, hurt, or cause pain. With that definition in mind, I realize that my list does not have to be as long as I originally thought. I know there were people I did not tell the truth to; however, my lie did not hurt them. Lying hurt me the most.
My list for Step 8 was pretty simple. It had two people who suffered real hurt and pain, my alcoholic spouse and me. I was amazed to discover I should be on my own amends list. I knew the alcoholic should be, but I did not think of myself. What’s new?! I seldom thought of myself, always others first. Putting myself on the list raised my awareness. Putting the alcoholic on the list raised my anxiety. I knew I had harmed him, and I was uncertain about amends.
The good thing about making this list was I did realize alcoholism truly hurt people and the damage was bigger and deeper in its scope than I thought. The list also made me realize that I could correct my part in the hurt and pain I added to the mess. Eventually I added a third “person” to the list: God. I forgot to ask the Higher Power for help. I listed the Higher Power, too.
Hello,
I am just taking baby steps now, looking at the harm I have done others and in particular myself. Taking things one day at a time and trying to be gentle with myself as I make important changes in my own life. Have a good day and keep at it, you will know if this program is right for you.
In working the steps, I find that I continue to set expectations for other people, especially how I want them to love me, and how I expect them to meet my needs. These character defects have caused so much harm to others. I also harmed myself by looking to others instead of looking into myself, and what I need to do for myself. The first act is to ask help from my Higher Power for willingness. Willingness to see my part cuts through self justification and blame and martyrdom.
The podcasts are clear reminders that this is an ongoing step. I find this reassuring and hopeful. I am “a work on progress” and I can work my program only one day at a time.
Too often I complicate things by reading what I think is there instead of what is really there. Step 8 tells me to make a list and become willing, no more, no less. By doing what I was supposed to do in Step 4 I already had my list started and I have added to it from time to time over the years.
I already had people on this list that I wasn’t sure I really wanted to make amends to, but my big concern when I did this step for the first time was that I would forget somebody to whom I really felt I owed an amends. I had to make sure I did it “correctly”! My sponsor told me that if someone’s name jumped into my mind, just add it to the bottom of the list. She said I would not be making the amends in the order I had the names on the list, but when I got to Step 9, God would show me what order to make them in.
She also told me to make 3 columns beside the list of names. I marked one column called “yes”, one called “no” and one called “maybe”, and become willing to make amends to them all. Without her knowledge I added a 4th column called “when hell freezes over”.
My Higher Power did for me what I couldn’t do for myself. There are a lot of people in that 4th column to whom I have since made amends , while there are still several in the “yes” column that the opportunity to make amends has still not arisen. I await my Higher Power’s instructions daily.
I could not have done this Step without the help of my sponsor. I had taken responsibility for things which were not mine; my sponsor had me take them off the list. She also encouraged me to be thorough, and not omit an item from the list because I was afraid of the amend I would make in Step Nine.
Making the list was easy; becoming willing was more difficult. What has helped me make amends is to spend time on Step Eight. I clarify the exact nature of the wrong. I look at what I could have done instead and use that to help me plan what actions I can take if I am in the same situation in the future. I put myself in the shoes of the person I had harmed and try to realize the consequence of my error. I write out the words I will use in the amend. After I have written all this out, I share it with my sponsor. Once I am secure in what I need to say and how I am going to say it, I find I am much more willing. And then I pray. I have done what I could to prepare to make amends and am ready for Step Nine.
Slogans that help me with this Step are Keep it Simple and Let Go and Let God.
Thank you for the sharing.
Step Eight seemed straight forward as far as who those were that I had harmed as the names came directly from my Fourth Step. I gained a couple of names with the help of my sponsor who pointed out that I and my Higher Power should be listed.
So the making a list, was an action I found quite manageable once I wrote it up.
The next part of the step, became willing, has been a spiritual experience for me.
This has been in two ways.
The first relates to what I said above when I was encouraged to put myself and my Higher Power on the list. What I noticed happened was once the idea was introduced to me my willingness to make amends began to germinate. I think the willingness grows in me in an ongoing way, it doesn’t appear to be static. I find this exciting.
For example my sponsor explained to me that when I think badly about myself I am maligning my Higher Power. This concept was clever and helpful, not to mention humbling and revolutionary. This idea was a seed planted in my mind and as a result as my understanding about what this means, my willingness to make amends expands too.
The second way I have noticed a spiritual experience as a result of the discipline of Step Eight is how there are names I did not list who bubble up into my awareness seemingly out of nowhere. I see the situation in a different light and can see my mistake very clearly where once I could not. This happens as I go about my business living my life one day at a time usually some time after I have done my most recent activity of Step Eight. This too I find exciting. Somehow willingness to make amends has grown in me.
So it would appear to me that the Steps seem to be living, alive. The Steps seem to continue working on me once I have moved on to the next one and so on. I feel blessed to be in the care of these Steps and studying these Steps.
Thank you so much for these podcasts! I have completed all my steps but continue to revisit my Step 8 list as it seems too short. When listening to this podcast I did that again & again decided the list is complete as it stands. I really believe that I am the person I hurt most & I remain on the top of my list. Thank you again for these podcasts. They are invaluable to me!!
Step 8, for me, is one to stop, think, contemplate and ponder all that I have learned in the previous 7 Steps. Now that I have learned about myself in Step 4 and I have a Higher Power for support, I can make a list of who I have harmed during my unreasonable moments brought on by the Family Disease of Alcoholism. This is the time for me to look at my part in each situation. The first time I worked Step 8, my sponsor suggested that a couple of people on my list didn’t need to be there. In Step 4, I learned that I often took on responsibilities that weren’t mine. I was grateful that my sponsor helped me review each of the Steps as I worked them. Working a step, for me, means reading Conference Approved Literature on the Step, write my thoughts about the Step in my journal and sharing what I have learned with my sponsor.
The second part of this step is to become willing to make amends to these people on my list. I love that the step doesn’t demand that I become willing about the whole list NOW. I am allowed time, and prayer to become ready. What I found was that it would be easy to make amends to some people and nearly impossible to make amends to others. My sponsor guided me to set priorities with my list and let my Higher Power give me courage at the right time.
Making a list of all I have harmed was easy.
My HP, myself and my alcoholic were top on the list – and the list was long.
My step 4 helped me a great deal in doing this step.
For me it was action (making the list)
and reflection – changing my thinking – letting go of blame and resentment –
and dealing with all the feelings to get to the place where I was ‘willing’ to make amends but maybe not ready.
In order to do this step, I had to give up being ‘perfect’ – and allow myself to see the human side of me. I do have limits; life is not just my way; other people have their own choices.
This step gave me the boost I needed to keep working the steps.
In recovery,
Linda F
RI
Who have I harmed? mostly myself I keep to myself, I spent time worrying about someone else, my need went unmet I accept unacceptable behavior I failed to trust and love myself . The second part be willing to make amends. I trust my higher power to show me the way to make amends to myself
I understand how hard that would be. But you know that she cannot know your gratitude if you keep it to yourself.
You probably know deep down inside that you will feel relieved after you visit her.
Maybe it will help to think about how good you will feel afterwards, and that it will be a load off your shoulders.
It is not ok there is no comments I wish You courage to write.
I want to have comments about this Step -I must write first.
I study this Step nineteen times. One time for year. my past is
ok. I have no persons whom I must amend. But today I have two
relationships when I’m not sure I’m ok. I know I do badly, but I can’t stop it.
I know I must visit my old aunt. But I can not to force myself do it.
she is eighty five. My aunt was mother for me when my mother died.
Gratitiude it is my heart but is not in my action. Why?
She is alone. she is waiting for me. I am ill -disabilty, but it shoudn’t be cause for
not to visit. I understand this person is first on mu list to amend.
Program Al-Anon is for me for every day.