May 01 2010
Step Five
“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Five.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
11 comments
Step Five, admitting, is a giant step toward self-honesty. For me, “coming clean” was a relief. I realized God already knew my behavior, but I had to tell “Him” I was aware of my behavior, too. Admitting my wrongs meant acceptance of my own behaviors that had not always been healthy, moral, or ethical. I was far from perfect, even though I had been self-righteous.
Telling another person my wrongs was harder than admitting them to myself. I judged myself so harshly that I was sure another person would, too. I greatly feared disapproval and rejection. When I told my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs, she looked absolutely unruffled as I spilled my worst secrets. She listened, occasionally nodded her head, and then comforted me. Gently she said, “These things often happen because the family disease of alcoholism affects everyone in negative ways,” she said. “I know I have done many of the things you describe.” That was it. After Step Five, I was free to move on from the weight of the past and free to change things for the future. Carrying the heavy burden of secrets was wearisome, and putting that burden down was difficult–a risk. However, taking the risk to be honest was worth it! Step Five was the beginning of a new freedom.
Thank God we have the same step as AA, because this program is about me, not the alcoholic! Step Five was a huge healing process for me and was when my issues about beginning to trust others began. Trusting another person with my deep dark secrets and finally understanding that God knew about them all along. I felt renewed spirtually and forgiven for it all. I no longer had to stuff the past and my part in it all. God gave me Al-Anon and Al-Anon gave me God! Step Five is another beginning and for me it was just that. Another beginning of healing in Al-Anon. Each day promises that and is a gift which I will always be thankful for!
I was terrified by Step Five. The first time I experienced it, it seemed harder than the writing I did for Fourth Step inventory. I had learned to seek guidance from a Higher Power and had gotten comfortable with prayer and meditation in Al-Anon. But I definitely had trust issues of adults over the age 30, anyone in an authority position, and my family. Even though I was in Al-Anon for a year and a half and felt safe around Al-Anon members, one of my behavior patterns that reinforced my charcter defect of distrust was that I had never revealed everything about myself to one person. I wouldn’t let anyone get that close to me. Although I had talked about my responses in some of the chapters of the Blueprint for Profgress, I wasn’t about to go over the whole booklet with her.
Even in the program, I had gotten into the habit of sharing bits and pieces of myself with a lot of different people. At least I was getting some practice at letting people get to know me through sharing the “breadcrumbs” of my inventory, I began to recognize that it was a form of dishonesty and that I was cheating myself out of the benefits of Step Five. My other problem was that I discovered that I was looking for the perfect Al-Anon member who worked an absolutely perfect program to share it with. So, after I finished the Blueprint for Progress, our inventory guidebook, and was able to compile a list of the “exact nature of my wrongs.” I talked to God about it but that was as far as I got with Step Five for another year.
Then, I was invited by an Al-Anon friend to go with her and her daughter to an Arabian horse show in a city about 100 miles away from where we lived. Her daughter brought along a friend; so there was no room in the cab of the pick up truck. So, my friend and I sat in the camper shell. We chatted and laughed about various things and talked about the program. I was really relaxed and felt safe. Out of the blue, I started sharing the “exact nature of my wrongs” with her. She listened and shared with me when she felt it was appropriate. All of a sudden, I realized I had found a person I trusted. She wasn’t perfect but she was a human being. It hit me that was all I could expect any person to be–human with “warts and all” as the saying goes.
The relief I experienced from sharing my garbage was unbelieveable. I had no idea what a release it would be. I was almost sorry that we arrived at our destination. I wasn’t fighting with myself because I had let go and trusted someone! I was able to release myself from wrongs because I learned from her that many of the things I did were simply becasue that was all I knew at the time. I didn’t know any better until Al-Anon gave me principles to live by and an understanding of alcoholism as a disease that affect both me and the drinker.
I really believe that as my Sponsor says, “God works within us without us” when I took that ride in my friend’s pickup truck. I just became willing without fighting with myself. It just happened as if it were natural. I thought the purpose of my ride was to go to a horse show. But I really think it was to join the human race by releasing myself from my negative self-image and guilt. I could forgive myself because I was only human–and truthfully, isn’t that what I will always be.
I started on a whole new journey in my recovery with my Fifth Step that day. I starting sharing more of myself with my Sponsor and no longer expected her to have wings and a halo. I also started more consciously to stop my “habit of “breadcrumb” disclosures of myself with various people. I learned that there are trustworthy people through the Fifth Step.
I have done this with my boyfriend. He is the only one whom I have told everything that I was not proud of. He is the only one I felt completely safe with. It IS such a freeing thing to do! I have never told anyone about the one thing that I have always felt ashamed of. I too, have done the breadcrumb thing and understand that totally. I am a beginner and am trying to focus on myself which is the only thing I can control and love that there are others just like me!
Step 5 ask for the nature 0f my shortcomings/ I need to recover from being hurt . To healed I need recovery to be thankful, calm and kind. I needed my higher power help to change. I needed to be with people to support me. Need to live in the present instead of yesterday and tomorrow. I need to enjoy life no fixing others and judging others. Live in a circle of love with everyone. Do not try to change their thinking to my thinking. Learn to recognize bad feelings and accept them as a part of sickness (mine and others) fight them with self worth, love and higher power help. Do not argue or reason with others (this results in them blaming me for their problems.
I was told early on in the program that fear of the Fifth keeps us from doing the Fourth if we haven’t done the Third. After working on those first three steps for the better part of two years, I finally had them moved from my head to my heart and could begin to write a Fourth Step. When that Fourth Step was finished it was like a hot potato, I couldn’t wait to get rid of it. I knew exactly how I wanted it to play out. My sponsor would come to my house, I would make iced tea and we would sit on the patio while I poured out my story. She would tell me it was OK and I would be fixed. I was ready! I was ready but my sponsor wasn’t. We tried to get together numerous times, but it just didn’t work out.
More than a month had passed since finishing my fourth step without getting rid of it in a fifth step, and because of all the emotions it uncovered, I was not a nice person to live with. I hunted down a meeting because I was getting squirrelly and even though it was a new meeting, I just couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut. I ended up giving my inventory to a room full of women that I had never met before and have never seen again.
They say God works in mysterious ways but in this case He also had the last laugh!
I did my first fifth step with a professional because I was on allot of medication. I blamed myself for everything. I was a perfectionist about everything. I couldn’t see any of my positives.
When I came into Al-Anon, I couldn’t understand why I didn’t see everything that went wrong and protect my daughter. My counselor told me I did the best I could with what I new at the time.
I realized I was in denial and had blamed others for things that was going wrong in my life too. Also, I expected my husband to be the total source of my happiness. I thought he should know how I felt.
After coming to Al-Anon and knowing it was a disease, I realized no matter what I would have done to try to change my life or save my marriage would of worked. I took everything personally that happened in my last marriage.
I like what someone said that we get second chances. I met someone in the program and will be married 20 years in Sept.
I still have a problelm with perfectionism and it keeps me from doing my Quilting which I love to do. So what if I make a mistake. How Important Is It? We just rip out and learn from our mistakes. When someone sees the beautiful quilt, they don’t even see the mistake.
The Fifth Step demands honesty from me, when I share my character defects with another human being. How have I hurt myself and others? That was the focus of my first Fifth Step. Several years later, the focus of my Fifth Step evolved. What triggered my character defect? What Al-Anon tool helps me work through that trigger and that defect? What was going on for me, that I chose NOT to use a tool that helps me? Answering these questions out loud to a sponsor helps me gain insight. At times I harbor deeply-rooted resentment. Other times I have a sick need to punish myself with reminders of my own “bad” behavior. When I share out loud with a sponsor, I can more readily accept my humanness. I seek serenity through acceptance of what has past. I allow myself to “Let Go and Let God.” My Higher Power helps me become aware of my character defects, helps me with acceptance, and helps me to take action so that I make healthier choices. I am still becoming a more loving person, a more accepting, non-judgmental person. Each time I do a Fifth Step, I am moving closer to becoming the best person that I can be.
For me reaching out to a sponsor was a difficult decision because of the trust factors I have due to growing up in an alcoholic home and did not want to ask for help. I had a great sponsor and when she moved I had a though time another finding one. I had just ended a relationship with a toxic person and needed to focus on myself once again. God lead me to this wonderful women’s retreat and there I asked God gave me the courage to ask a friend in the program to be my sponsor. I always came away with good positive feelings from her sharings. She said “Yes” I felt I was back on track. I worked my 5th step with her and it was a freeing experience. I had to dig deep and let the truth be told. She offered encouragement and just listened and shared her own experiences. I learned that I am not a bad person just a person that was totally confused by the affects of alcoholism and with the help of a great sponsor, sponsees, meetings and literature I am becoming the person I truly want to be with warts and all. When I think back to the times when I was so ungrateful for life’s many blessings and tribulations, I am so thankful that this program has shown me that everyday is a new beginning and I can choose my own attitude at any time of day or night with the help of a loving High Power.
I remember the first time I spoke more than 10 seconds at an Al-Anon meeting. A speaker had encouraged newcomers to not hold back and not worry about what people thought but just to take a few minutes to talk. I had bottled up my emotions all of my life. My situation was not like others’ situations. I sat there thinking that nobody would understand. I was simply stupid to be stuck in the marriage I was in. How could it help to make a fool of myself? I was in a hopeless situation and it wasn’t nearly as bad as other people I’d heard share. My spouse wasn’t even drinking! All of my frustration was a mere figment of my imagination. Why was I even there in the meeting? Was I really qualified to be a member? I did like the fellowship in the few weeks I’d been coming and I liked the hour I spent listening to others experience, strength and hope. Going to meetings was also a good excuse to get away from home. I helped set up chairs beforehand and put them away afterwards. I volunteered to be coffee maker when the need arose. I had grown up in a family of 8 kids where gaining the attention of my whole family long enough to complete a thought was a rare event. I didn’t think I deserved to be listened to for a few minutes by a room full of experienced Al-Anon members.
Encouraged by the speaker I then spoke. I don’t remember what the topic was and I probably didn’t stick to the topic but everybody said keep coming back and some spoke with me afterward. This was the beginning of my 5th Step. I began admitting to others the exact nature of my wrongs. I had learned how to share my experience by listening to others.
Dear Barbara,
Your sharing wasn’t posted because it didn’t relate to the Step. To help you find an on-line meeting, send an e-mail to wso@al-anon.org and put on-line meetings in the subject line. We also have telephone meetings that might be helpful for you to keep the connection and share your experience, strength, and hope.
WSO Administrator