The reality check came when I discussed the areas where I played a role in the hurt or fear of another person – and how I could avoid playing that role again. And where I had acted like a victim when I was a volunteer.

Thankfully I have a great sponsor, and I am joyous in the program!

When I started attending Al-Anon I saw and heard others who were like me. What I heard confirmed my belief that I had been victimized by the family disease of alcoholism, but I heard something new also. I heard and began to believe that I had contributed to the problem. That was a difficult pill to swallow until I realized the person I had hurt the most was myself. I had allowed myself to be a victim. And because I was a victim and had been hurt, I unconsciously set out to hurt others. That seldom harmed those who victimized me; it usually harmed me the most.

When I realized I had harmed myself and others, it was relatively easy to admit my wrongs to God. And thanks to Al-Anon I was also able to admit this to another human being, because I found safe people in the Al-Anon meetings. When I did share the things I had done, sometimes the person I shared this with replied they had done similar things. I wasn’t alone. Others understood where I was coming from.

As I plodded through it, my fifth step receiver showed me the patterns that were emerging whenever I got into certain situations (the comparisons between my actions in my previous marriage and my current one were particularly humbling). He was able to clarify the things I needed to concentrate on if I was going to rid myself of what I’d been carrying. Needless to say, this takes several hours when you come in with an 18-page fourth step inventory.

After I finished, I went to a quiet place in the woods and let sink in what had happened. It occurred to me that I had told someone the most awful things I thought I’d done and, to my astonishment, no one thought less of me, the world had not stopped spinning on its axis, and no thunderbolts had struck me. Everything was as it was — except for me. I felt as though I’d just been released from prison; and I had.

I realized that the “tools” I used before I got to Al-Anon are what got me into Al-Anon.

I realized that everything can be forgiven, but forgiveness has to start with me.

I realized that I’m not a bad person.

I realized that, for years, I’d been carefully guarding and nurturing my secrets to the exclusion of everything else in my life — even (or especially) the good things. It was as though I’d taken my hose to my garden and watered the weeds instead of the plants. Now, everything was out in the open: my Higher Power knew, I knew and “the world” knew.

The fifth step is truly liberating because it changes your view of the world from one governed by delusion to one that is reality-base. What a blessing.

Your sharing wasn’t posted because it didn’t relate to the Step. To help you find an on-line meeting, send an e-mail to wso@al-anon.org and put on-line meetings in the subject line. We also have telephone meetings that might be helpful for you to keep the connection and share your experience, strength, and hope.

WSO Administrator

Encouraged by the speaker I then spoke. I don’t remember what the topic was and I probably didn’t stick to the topic but everybody said keep coming back and some spoke with me afterward. This was the beginning of my 5th Step. I began admitting to others the exact nature of my wrongs. I had learned how to share my experience by listening to others.

More than a month had passed since finishing my fourth step without getting rid of it in a fifth step, and because of all the emotions it uncovered, I was not a nice person to live with. I hunted down a meeting because I was getting squirrelly and even though it was a new meeting, I just couldn’t seem to keep my mouth shut. I ended up giving my inventory to a room full of women that I had never met before and have never seen again.

They say God works in mysterious ways but in this case He also had the last laugh!

Even in the program, I had gotten into the habit of sharing bits and pieces of myself with a lot of different people. At least I was getting some practice at letting people get to know me through sharing the “breadcrumbs” of my inventory, I began to recognize that it was a form of dishonesty and that I was cheating myself out of the benefits of Step Five. My other problem was that I discovered that I was looking for the perfect Al-Anon member who worked an absolutely perfect program to share it with. So, after I finished the Blueprint for Progress, our inventory guidebook, and was able to compile a list of the “exact nature of my wrongs.” I talked to God about it but that was as far as I got with Step Five for another year.

Then, I was invited by an Al-Anon friend to go with her and her daughter to an Arabian horse show in a city about 100 miles away from where we lived. Her daughter brought along a friend; so there was no room in the cab of the pick up truck. So, my friend and I sat in the camper shell. We chatted and laughed about various things and talked about the program. I was really relaxed and felt safe. Out of the blue, I started sharing the “exact nature of my wrongs” with her. She listened and shared with me when she felt it was appropriate. All of a sudden, I realized I had found a person I trusted. She wasn’t perfect but she was a human being. It hit me that was all I could expect any person to be–human with “warts and all” as the saying goes.

The relief I experienced from sharing my garbage was unbelieveable. I had no idea what a release it would be. I was almost sorry that we arrived at our destination. I wasn’t fighting with myself because I had let go and trusted someone! I was able to release myself from wrongs because I learned from her that many of the things I did were simply becasue that was all I knew at the time. I didn’t know any better until Al-Anon gave me principles to live by and an understanding of alcoholism as a disease that affect both me and the drinker.

I really believe that as my Sponsor says, “God works within us without us” when I took that ride in my friend’s pickup truck. I just became willing without fighting with myself. It just happened as if it were natural. I thought the purpose of my ride was to go to a horse show. But I really think it was to join the human race by releasing myself from my negative self-image and guilt. I could forgive myself because I was only human–and truthfully, isn’t that what I will always be.

I started on a whole new journey in my recovery with my Fifth Step that day. I starting sharing more of myself with my Sponsor and no longer expected her to have wings and a halo. I also started more consciously to stop my “habit of “breadcrumb” disclosures of myself with various people. I learned that there are trustworthy people through the Fifth Step.

Telling another person my wrongs was harder than admitting them to myself. I judged myself so harshly that I was sure another person would, too. I greatly feared disapproval and rejection. When I told my sponsor the exact nature of my wrongs, she looked absolutely unruffled as I spilled my worst secrets. She listened, occasionally nodded her head, and then comforted me. Gently she said, “These things often happen because the family disease of alcoholism affects everyone in negative ways,” she said. “I know I have done many of the things you describe.” That was it. After Step Five, I was free to move on from the weight of the past and free to change things for the future. Carrying the heavy burden of secrets was wearisome, and putting that burden down was difficult–a risk. However, taking the risk to be honest was worth it! Step Five was the beginning of a new freedom.