Apr 01 2010
Step Four
“Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Four.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
22 comments
Hi everyone!
Step Four was the hardest step for me when I was new in Al-Anon. I was so focused on the alcoholics in my life that I had “lost” myself. I didn’t know WHO I was! I was too scared to look at myself because I just knew you wouldn’t love me if you could really see who I was inside. I was so ashamed of the things that I had done and I felt that I was a “bad” person. It was suggested that I pray for the willingness to be willing and this helped.
My sponsor was very patient with me… maybe too patient because it took me over a year to complete Step Four. A year of wallowing in fear and self-loathing… My sponsor had a huge notebook filled with her 4th step work and I just knew that I could not do this “right.” What I did not realize at the time, was that there is no “right” or “wrong” way to work the steps. What worked for her may not work for you or me!
I started my 4th step inventory using Blueprints For Progress and just answered “yes” or “no” with just a few notes in the margin. My sponsor shook her head when I showed her my progress. I felt overwhelmed so I tried the Big Book method of looking at resentments and finding my part. I couldn’t finish this so I tried a checklist inventory from the internet; then I wrote my story… My sponsor noticed that I seemed very focused on my character defects; “skipping over” my positive attributes. She helped me see that I was a composite of good and bad qualities- no more good than bad! Finally, I got through Step Four and was ready to “give it away.” I felt good and I knew a lot more about myself that when I started the process.
Today, I know that Step Four is an act of self-love! I do not regret my past and have a clearer understanding of my behavior because of this step and the gifts of the Al-Anon program. Every experience brings me to this moment in my recovery. I was affected by the disease of alcoholism- a disease of relationships. Thank you for Al-Anon- I am so happy to be my new best friend!
Wow, I see so much of myself in your story. I started step 4 but never completed it. I am very ashamed of things that I have done and haven’t faced it all yet. I know I will feel better when I finally get the courage to go forward with it, but right now its easier for me to put all my attention into the baby. Thank you for your honesty. I will try again so that I may be freed of all the guilt I feel.
Blueprints for Progress is a resource that has helped me each time I do Step 4. Somehow I only looked at what was shameful for me, the first time I did Step 4. I did that step all by myself, without asking for my Higher Power’s help. I listed assets, but, in my skewed view, I saw them all as defects since I often take an asset to an extreme. Later, when I did Step 4 again with more program under my belt, I asked my Higher Power to help me. I felt very hopeful. My character defects continue to be assets taken to an extreme, but the heart of the defect was often a good quality: self-discipline, genuine concern for others, willingness to voice my opinions… Hope existed because I did not feel as if I had to eliminate a part of myself, just be willing to ask my Higher Power to help me temper that good quality. I discovered that fear usually was the catalyst to convert a good quality to a character defect. So, one day at a time, I ask my Higher Power to help me think, feel and act out of love, trust and gratitude, and help me feel and release any feelings of anger, fear, resentment or shame. That is my daily prayer. I also ask my Higher Power for guidance so that I avoid placing myself in situations that trigger my character defects. That prayer is answered, as well. Step 4 offers me the gift of self awareness; I gain the wisdom to know the difference between what I can change and what I cannot change.
Being new in Al-Anon, my plan was to finish “working” the twelve steps in twelve weeks and be done. That seemed to work until I got to the 4th. The words searching and fearless really jumped out at me and slowed my progress of the one step each week idea.
By the grace of God, I was able to put a couple of things down on paper and after a few weeks feel ready to continue on. My sponsor commented to me one day that it was probably OK because I could always revisit when I was really ready. I wondered, “what did that mean?”, but I continued on anyway. I know now, God had a plan for me and I later realized denial was something that needed some attention.
Several years later, many of the regular members of my homegroup decided to start meeting as a step study outside the meeting. When we got to the Fourth Step, we decided to make a positive attribute list for each other. I was overwhelmed with the good others saw in me – because I sure didn’t see it in myself. After talking about our lists, we were later able to move on to our own moral inventiory. As each discussed their past and present, I was able to see myself and my part in life as I had never seen it before. There was a lot of wrong that I needed to own. Talking about these with one another and writing them down gave me the informatin I needed to be able to move on. I finally saw there was more to me than I was willing to look at before-but it was in God’s time, not mine.
The unveiling of my past with a loving environment of friends was what I needed to be able to see myself and what I could really be. Today, I am able to live “happy, joyous and free.” Every once in a while I will hear myself in a newcomer speak about their plan and my only thought is, I hope they stay around to find the miracle they can truly be.
I’ve been thinking and preparing for this next step, which I know will be a self learning journey. By starting with Blueprint for Progress I will be able to better reflect on my personal inventory with the visual documentation. I know that there is a lot to see in myself, but also know that there is much more that I need to find, and I will. I will take the above advice, reach inside and rely on my higher power for the honesty, courage and the time I will need to truly work and grow through this next step. I expect it to be a life enhancing experience.
I am new to AlAnon-3 months, but I am already a new person beginning to be. I visit step 4 all the time, but not specifically. As was said above, my defects are often my assets turned into obsessive tools to control others. I have found a new peace and understanding just by keeping my mouth shut. I don’t have to rush in and fix, correct or otherwise change others’ behaviors or ideas. All I have to do is listen with love. When I rush in to correct or help I am disrespecting the people I love the most. I am telling them they are unable to do things for themselves. I am pushing them to escalate their unacceptable behavior so that they can reach a level I can not or will not interfere in. What I can do is keep my mouth shut. Listen with love and not judge, admonish or correct. I feel a peace I never have before. I do not have to ride in on my white horse. I don’t have to do anything but listen with love. I don’t have to do everything. What a gift to myself. I just have to listen. What a gift to the people I love. What I thought were my strongest assets are really my defects because I have never stopped to question whether my interference was good for me or for my loved ones. This is the greatest lesson I have learned so far in AlAnon meetings and reading and talking with my sponsor. I have to be vigilant. It’s a knee jerk reaction to but in. Minding my own business is my goal and the asset I most wish to develop. Step 4 is a constant and continually process for me.
As my Al-Anon Step Study Group continued with the study of Step 4 this week, our sharing focused on developing our self, and an understanding of how we grow in recovery as we use the tools of the Fourth Step to better understand ourselves and the impact of alcoholism on our life.
One member in the middle of a crisis (his drugging young daughter was arrested and called to have dad to rescue her) read April 7 in ODAT suggesting to have the courage to keep hands off and let the crisis happen. This reading from ODAT is so powerful when I came to understand its full implication. I have come to believe, in my doing the Fourth Step, the simple concept that awareness per se is curative. And awareness comes to us and the alcoholic through the crisis. So I came to understand that “Let(ting) the crisis happen” will be curative. Within the crisis is found the ultimate outcome – the path waiting to be traveled.
Let the crisis happen. How often out of pain and fear have I rushed in to “fix it”, “fix them”, and encountered myself – confused, lonely,and filled with anger. “Let the crisis happen”, how hard I fought that concept. With growing self awareness, through my Fourth Step work, is the meaning of crisis becoming clear and being understood as curative. “Keep hands off” another phase that I resisted. Now I have come to accept this with soul-filled conviction.
We may never be sure what will be revealed to us as we work Step Four, but our faith in the Twelve Steps, our faith in Al-Anon, and our Faith in a Power Greater than ourselves will cure the ravishes of this disease – alcoholism.
I am in the process of writing my 4th step, using the Blueprint tool. I am sometimes at a loss on how to answer a question, but have just been making myself start. Sometimes I write ” I don’t know how to answer this” but invariably, my pen writes things I didn’t even know about myself. I thought I was pretty self aware, but it is humbling to recognize hidden agendas. I knew that I had to do this step in order to continue to grow in Al-Anon. I am excited about my progress. It’s hard but I’m going to continue. I try to sit down for 30 minutes at least 5 days a week. I had forgotten to begin by asking my H.P.’s help. I will do that from now on. Thanks everyone.
From that fearful, overly responsible failure, I can joyfully say today, “I love Step 4.” It is where we get to dig in fearlessly and find me. I am not afraid. That is not where I started. My first attempt of the 4th Step confirmed what I knew about myself. I was a horrible person. I was the cause of so much harm. My family was right. It was my fault. Something inside told me to Stop. This is not Al-Anon. I didn’t know what to do so I did what I knew worked. I showed up and sat down. I started listening differently. I was not ready for Step 4. I was where I was suppose to be, at Step 2’s door. I can’t rush my HP’s timing. I can only stop fighting it. I stop fighting the steps and just do them today. Through the wisdom of this we program I can cry and share fuller, more honestly with myself, my HP and another until laughter lifts us all up. You showed me how. With this little bit of perspective my HP guides my healing in the following steps too. Like I said, “I love Step 4.” It is where we began to find me. Thanks for letting me share.
Kate R’s comments on April 7, 10 am put my gut level thoughts on paper-remarkable. This is the first time I have read this blog or even read step 4.
“… a searching and fearless moral inventory…” Looking back, 4 months after I came into Al-Anon, writing down all my faults, all the things I did to hurt myself and others, opening my soul to my Sponsor, I thought I had completed Step 4. Now, almost three years later, I know that its time to do a fourth step that is worthy of me.
I take care of the literature for my group, so have had a copy of Blueprint for Progress for several months; its sitting in with my other CAL. I see it each day, yet I’m afraid of it. I know now that my opening up to my Sponsor was what I was meant to do at the time. I was looking for someone I could trust, someone to like me unconditionally.
This nagging voice has been speaking to me for a few weeks now, I know it is time for me to grab ahold of that Blueprint and dig deep. I still carry guilt, I still carry blame; All for things I was never responsible for. Its time for me to ‘Let Go and Let God’.
Thanks for letting me share.
I have done quite a few Step 4 inventories in the 26 years I have been in Al-Anon. The first ones were really pitiful. The Blueprint for Progress had just made it’s debut when I tried the first time. Like so many others, I answered yes or no to the questions and thought I was finished. My sponsor trashed it and told me to start over. This happened with the next two tries as well.
One fear I had was that I wouldn’t be able to remember everything that had ever happened in my life and my sponsor told me that I would remember when my Higher Power thought I was ready to handle it. That has truly been the case and I have done a new Fourth Step each time I remember a piece of my past that I had shoved to the back corner of my mind.
My mind is like a great big closet that needs cleaning out on a regular basis. The normal straightening out that I do daily and weekly is my Tenth Step so that the closet doesn’t become too much of a mess. But emptying it out on a regular basis, inventorying what I have, removing what doesn’t fit any more and rearranging what is left, gives me a clearer picture of what I need to keep, what needs thrown away and what I need to acquire.
I was told when I got to Al-Anon that we are only as sick as the secrets we keep and if I allow those secrets to remain hidden in the closet, they not only take up valuable space, but they keep me from making room for new ways of doing things. Ways that work better for me today because today I’m a far different person than I was 26 years ago.
When I got here, I was three people. I was the person you thought I was. I was the person I knew I was, and I was the person I always wanted to be. Today what you see is what you get. Those 3 people are the same person and the road that got them to that point began with my first Fourth Step.
This is my first visit to the web site. it has been scary coming from a family shrouded in secrecy. Years of anaylsis have not resulted in my facing the role of alcohol in opening up to others. Though I learned to share feelings, my heart had a hard protective shield. It takes so much emotional, physical and spiritual energy managing a legacy of secrecy. My son is in rehab and now it is time for me to do my work to unload a lifetime of guilt and shame. It is new territory and I am terrified. But today I have taken the first step to open up to al anon. I believe that I am the first sibling in my family of seven to do this. My fear is that I will be swallowed up in the weight of addiction. It seems (from this perspective) that it saps the life out of joy in the moment. But life is good and at my advanced age I am willing to open the door to the legacy of the program.
I started filling out my inventory and was only able to get through the first two pages before I started crying and had to stop. This is hheavy stuff. To do this inventory means really looking deep into myself instead of blaming everyone else. It is a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I already knew I had a lot of resentment. Mostly toward my alcoholic parents and alcoholic ex-husband. They have harmed me deeply and I carry a lot of pain and bitterness. I tried to control them which was wrong and pointless. My fears have a lot to do with money. When my ex-husband spent our entire savings on partying and alcohol I started having severe panic attacks. I had to let go and stop trying to control anyone else. I had to take control of my own life and am so much happier. To look at my own faults and the role I played in my past is not easy, but it puts everything into perspective.
The fourth step has been a great gift to me. It is not about what I have done wrong. The fourth step is about what I can now do “right” because I know a better way. Although I originally thought of this step as one which uncovered all my defects, I realized it was also a time to begin looking at my assets. What was good about me? Why had I failed to develop my life and my gifts? What could I do if I weren’t focused on someone else’s behavior and alcoholism? What kind of person would I be if I weren’t steeped in despair and judgment? What were my talents? My strengths? This uncovering of my assets–who I really am and can be–has been a wonderful journey of becoming much more than a person worried about IT. I encourage others working the fourth step to start looking at your “good self” and then believe in that self. Recovery is tapping those assets and learning to live.
I am interested in different formats used to complete the 4th step. It would be very helpful to have options. My 4th step work has been scattered, disorganized. I’m sure it is a reflection of my scattered emotions and thoughts. I really want to find a format that feels natural.
Thanks.
I’m working on my 4th step for the third time. The first time I used the structure in the AA big book. The second time I used the original Blueprint. This time I’m using the revised Blueprint, working one chapter at a time then meeting with an Al-Anon friend once each week to share what we’ve written.
This 4th step has been different than the others. At the outset I asked my HP for guidance to help me do a complete and thorough moral inventory. It’s one thing for me to look at myself and realize what my assets and defects of character are. That’s hard enough for me. But for the past few weeks I’ve been blindsided by hearing from people things about me that I had no idea were true. This is not what I expected when I asked for guidance. Some of these things are very difficult to hear. I don’t know how much is true. I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe I’m being guided by my HP and that everything will work out exactly the way it is supposed to be.
Right now I’m working on acceptance. Acceptance that regardless of what my intention may have been when I acted a certain way, the perception by others is what I’m hearing about. If I intend to be the same person on the outside that I feel I am on the inside, I need to amend my behavior so that who I intend to be is who I am perceived as being. I need to trust in my abilities and in my HP’s direction and keep moving forward one step at a time. This experience has been a challenge for me: to take those perceived defects of character and turn them into useful assets; to trust my HP; to trust myself.
Thank you for providing a safe space for me to share.
I have been in Al-Anon for 7 months and 6 days. Currently, I am on Step Four using many tools such as the Blueprint for Progress and I plan on using the Alateen’s 4th Step Inventory as well due to the fact that I love to draw and make collages about my assets and defects of character.
What I have noticed is that my creativity was blocked by years of resentment, guilt, shame, low self-esteem, anger and people-pleasing. That’s a lot of layers to remove one day at a time. It is long term plastic surgery for me.
The first three steps are about my relationship with God as I understood Him. These were very easy for me since I have outside spiritual practices with a spiritual director. But the next steps are about me and others. It is like going to the dentist to get your checkup and then your cavities need to be removed.
It is pain but it is a process of healing. My God is with me on this step along with my sponsor and others in the program. I look back on what I shared earlier and realize that there are metaphors and similes that I have not seen in a few years. Now that’s recovery! I actually like this step because it is discovery of finding my true self and not worrying about what others think of me.
But I take this step one day at a time.
Shortly after I started attending meetings I found a sponsor and started working the steps. A few months later I wrote my first 4th Step which was ridiculously short. I had taken the 4th Step but it was a baby step with a long way to go. It took over a decade of working the program and using the tools before I was ready to write a more complete 4th Step. The inventory process can happen when I hear and identify with others’ stories which help to uncover parts of my life that have been buried in denial. I had blackouts from the Al-Anon side of this disease. I had completely lost my memory of events that slowly came to light as I attended meetings and utilized the tools of recovery. In other words, I had been working the 4th step for over a decade before I was able to put it down on paper. After answering all of the questions in Paths to Recovery my sponsor encouraged me to write an autobiography focusing on my relationships with people. This time I was ready to get my story down on paper.
All of the steps are written in past tense and in the plural “we” form and my experience confirms that I do the steps without knowing it by showing up and participating in our fellowship. After a while I realize that I have taken a step when I notice that the fog has lifted and I can see my situation a bit more clearly. I also can’t claim that I did any step alone. It takes talking, listening, writing and reading and all of the help I get from you to follow the steps of this spiritual path.
Gosh, I feel guilty that I’ve been in Al-Anon for about 3 years now. I have started and stopped my fourth step many times. Things just keep taking priority, along with the help of some fear of Step 5. I hope soon that I can finish this with my HP. I know it will be worth the headaches and heartaches.
Just a few years into al-anon , and I see I know less than when I came in! LOL , I was a perfectionist , the ultimate care TAKER , BEST manager of others , I could FIX anything and I was running and hiding and DYING inside and out ! I could not see I was killing ME ! not the alcoholics and other people in my life …… this is what I was running from the truth about myself . So of course I ran from doing the 4 th step for several months , LOL ! ONCE i started I had so much garbage that I had to do several inventories over a year and almost had emotional breakdown on my childhood one ….. the Miracle is i found my humanness , I was no longer in charge nor was I the alien that did not fit in …. and I was able to go on .
I have been attending Al Anon meetings for only 4 months. The first 3 Steps were fairly easy for me. Now, I have started work on Step 4 using Paths to Recovery as a guide. My work on Step 4 is slow, but I am learning alot about myself. I’m seeing my character defects, but I’m also now aware of some of my assets that were hidden by a poor self image. With the help of my HP I’ve realized triggers of my character defects. I see how impatience, can lead to loosing my temper and sometimes turn to rage. Although I still am dealing with the impatience, I realize what is happening, stop and remove myself from the situation. I might read some Al Anon literature or just go outside for some fresh air or meditate for a while. I now have faith in my HP and tools that were revealed to me in Al Anon.
I’m making progress, but I know I still have a lot to do on my inventory. I’m not in any rush because, truthfully I know I’m not ready for Step 5 yet. I’ll take it one day at a time. Thanks for letting me share.