Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
82 comments
My roommate has a drinking problem. I told him last night that I was kicking him out because I can’t handle his drinking (and then how MEAN he gets) anymore. Today, he went out, got drunk, fell down, hit his head and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I went to pick him up from the ER. Am I enabling him? Should I just have let them take him to the “drunk tank” when he was released from the hospital (since he was STILL drunk), which is what they were going to do if no one had picked him up?
On the way home, he admitted that he had a drinking problem, and that he had a lot of pain inside. However, he seems to feel that going to meetings is asking for help, which is “weak.” He thinks he can do it on his own. I came online to look up AA meetings for him and found this site as well. I’m just starting to read through everything, but it looks as though I’m about to learn a lot. =-)
I will stand by him if he agrees to stop drinking and get help. However, I cannot stand by and watch him destroy himself anymore….because it’s destroying me, too. He’s one of my best friends, and I love him. I feel very alone right now, and I feel like a crappy friend because I’m not willing or able to be there “unconditionally” anymore. But I have to take care of myself, too, and he’s so MEAN, not physically, but verbally, when he’s drunk, which is ALL THE TIME now. It’s breaking my heart.
I am ready to release the energy it takes to continue “keeping things under control” as I now admit I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism. The control I was battling for has continued for over 25 years and I now see how it has crossed into other parts of my life, including work, parenting and other relationships. I labeled my behaviors as organization, strict routine, expectations, but it is really trying to control power over people and things. I have control only over myself. I am ready to let go everywhere else.
I was unable to attend my meeting tonight but I am so grateful to have found this podcast on Step One. I needed to be reminded of my powerlessness over my husband’s drinking. The shares I heard tonight reminded me to keep the focus on myself – to make changes in me that will bring me closer to the person I want to be. I love my husband very much and it hurts so much to see the toll that alcohol has taken on him, but I am powerless to stop it. I cannot change another person, only myself. When I forget this, my life spins out of control. Step One helps me get back on track.
The second part of step one made sense to me much sooner than the first part. I needed to go to a lot of meetings in order to hear what I needed to hear. Quite a while into the program, without a sponsor, (which by the way I would not recommend), I finally heard a speaker phrase the first step in Al-Anone as follows:
“We in Al-Anon are powerless over other people; their actions; and their thinking; we are equally powerless over other places and things and our lives had become unmanageable.”
That was a huge eye-opener for me. The “we” part taught me that I am not alone, that others are suffering and have suffered like I do. It also opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot change my daughter, I cannot make her stop using, I cannot control her actions, nor do I have any control over what she is thinking. I needed to accept her as she was and admit that she suffered from a disease. The 3 “C’s” I didn’t Cause it; I cannot Control it; and I certainly cannot Cure it; make perfect sense now. It became clear to me that the only person I could change was me. Now I also understood why I kept hearing “Keep the focus on yourself” all the time.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change (my daughter and other family members); Grant me the courage to change the person that I can change “me”; and the wisdom to keep the focus on my-self.”
My daughter was in her thirties, and I was totally pre-occupied and obsessed with “fears” that came up with my daughter’s and her daughter’s lives. I kept confusing caring with controlling simply because I didn’t know how to allow or permit them their dignity of being them-selves. I denied them the right to experience their own lives and let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. I continually allowed them to always count on me to make everything better, such as bailing her out from jail, paying her fines; buying them a home; providing a car; paying for gas, paying car insurance; buying groceries, cleaning their home; washing their clothes etc. all in the name of making things easier on them and in the name of caring and loving them.
I finally did learn that I needed to do my step work and I got a sponsor. I have met with my sponsor on a weekly basis for several years now. The first step is just that, the first step into the right direction, pointing to recovery! I finally practice my “Fear” the right way, “Face everything and recover!” I get it.
We gain Recovery through the Steps; Unity through the Traditions; and learn Service through the Concepts. I am a very grateful member of Al-Anon and will stay in this program for the rest of my life.
Dad could never get with listening to me share with him what it means to be powerless. He basically thinks it’s only ‘powerless after you drink alcohol”…He wouldn’t listen to my sharing about what AA says about this mental obsession that condemns alcoholics to drink again against their own will to not drink. Went to 60 meetings got ‘dry’…After 2 years white knuckling it he drank again. Got dry again last summer, and I tried again. He was told he “has a thousand sponsors in all the rooms”…some nonsense and it was in AA too!…He stopped going to AA meetings, without touching a single step and is dry now.
My first step comes from knowing that if I’m in a tug-o-war, I can get free not by pulling harder, but to drop the rope. I love him, and may only do more harm by “pushing” or “pulling”…I love him. I do wish he would accept the treatment plan. 12 steps worked for me. I think the most selfish part (hard to understand this) is that I want to have a relationship with Dad. I would love to be able to share moments with him, but I constantly judge how bashful he is. It is bad on my part, but the confusing part for a double-winner like me is knowing this would help him, and wanting what is best for Dad. I had to drop the rope and stop playing tug-o-war.
I am writing this to clear the air about the alcoholism around me that has affected my life. My father was an alcoholic. He died from the results of alcoholism when he was 52. My husband of over 40 years is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks on the weekends and on vacation. He seldom becomes out of control, but does on occasion when he goes past his 3rd drink. A very close friend committed suicide after a lifetime of heavy drinking some years ago. My son has been an alcoholic for approximately 20 years. We employ him. He very seldom works now, but we still pay him. My husband and I are both enablers and have been for a very long time. We are both afraid to let him hit bottom, and yet we know that is what it will take if our son is ever to come to grips with his addiction. Although I am an author and teacher of the spiritual, I cannot bring myself to allow my son to bottom, even though I should know better. I have never been to a meeting, but ask for God’s help everyday to give me the strength to do what must be done. Thanks for giving me this venue to vent.
I am glad that I explored the Al-Anon site again because its a New Year and finally I can relate to STEP 1. My first exposure to an an-anon meeting did not go well. It was hard to find, got re-routed by a note on the door and walked in late. What I saw around me were a sorry group of devasted souls, old beyond their years, haggard. Nothing that was said seemed to be any value to where I was at that point plus the meeting was on a much later step and one that I didn’t comprehend anyway. The only story I liked was from a woman who divorced her husband. Those that stayed with their acoholic or decided to remain in their lives seemed pathetic AND THAT SURE AS HELL WAS NOT GOING TO BE ME. IT scared me. I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t have to put up with my alcoholic. It was a new marriage, no kids, no house, nothing joint.
After several months of trying to fix my alcoholic and using power and control to no avail, I started to think that I should give al-anon another try. Somebody told me that MAYBE I landed on a group that was not a good fit. It occured to me that in trying to fight my alcoholics battle I was also fighting the “need” to be part of al-anon.
I still feel like ” I did not sign up for this”. I had no idea that my alcoholic was like this before we married..I just thought that she liked to party and was celebrating our new relationship. Now I basically want out of the relationship but I have given ultimatums and could not execute them. I felt bad. Loved her. Maybe if I could just hang in there and showed her that I love her enough, I COULD FIX IT. Already I know I can’t and that brings me to the first step. I have alot more to learn and alot needs to be repaired at this point…WITH MYSELF…and getting back to taking care of ME. ITs all been about her. Looking for clues that she has been drinking, searching her car everynight to find a bottle and sometimes finding one, the confrontation thereafter, the lies, her remorse, the promises that it won’t happen again, the secrets I keep from loved ones and friends and this constant BATTLE has exhausted me. I need peace. And I am going to a meeting tomorrow and will try more thereafter. My quest is no longer how I can fix my alcoholic…its how to have the courage of my convictions and do what is best for my life.
This morning I went to an AL ANON meeting. What a difference from the first one I tried several months ago. But I am a different person than I was several months ago and whereas I was more “judging” I am now compasionate. Its what my life had become and I fit there. I am powerless over my alcoholic’s alcohol. What I found there was quite a mix of people, some dejected and tired but many upbeat and thankful. IT gave me hope. I still like the stories best of those who have left their alcoholic rather than remain because I don’t want my relationship with my alcoholic anymore. No trust that ever can be earned back and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying of rebounds.
Last night I found a bottle in her car. The old me would have dumped it out. Instead, I brought it in and left it on the kitchen counter for her to deal with. Its out of my hands and has always been no matter how much I tried to control it, police it or relished in the joy of all those promised new beginnings.
Also this morning I “moved into” the other bedroom. Not to be punitive. Not to be dramatic. I just simply need a space of my own to be and peace and a place to sleep where I don’t have to smell the stench of alcohol. She is devastated and called her sponsor; a telephone call that was better placed when she had the urge to drink. Point in fact she has never called her sponsor when she intended to drink; instead, she gave into it and lied to her sponsor and, ofcourse, to me.
I really don’t have alot of anger like I used to. I am more beaten down and in great need of finding joy again. I guess you could say that the focus is now on myself which is a great start. Yet, typical of my pattern, I may soon will feel sad, remorseful, nostalgic, then deeply depressed. To alieve these feelings I reconnect with her again, only to be disappointed again. My life has challenges otherwise: my ex moved our young daughter to New York and the separation has been heartbreaking; my parents are ill- mother has parkinsons and is declining and my dad is in a resthome with alzheimers. Because of these stressors I don’t have the emotional strength to file divorce papers. But I can, and I have been told its ok, to get some peace in this baby step of moving into another bedroom.
Sorry I have gone on and on. But this is my story and my struggle.
Thank you so much to all of you whose comments about your own life mirror mine in many ways. Its a God-send to have this support.
new year …new month…new concept…I have visited this website a few times over the past few years…I like the idea of sharing online our thoughts about step one.
I came to my first al-anon meeting when i was obsessed with my teen age daughter’s drinking and behavior. I came with alot of fear, because drinking and driving had killed my husband. I knew my life was unmanageable as the first step suggests…but I had no idea that i was powerless over my daughter’s choices. What kind of Mom has no power over her child…especially when her child is making bad choices ?? Al-anon taught me alot about the family disease of alcoholism. Just like i am powerless over a disease like cancer, I am powerless over what alcoholism does to my daughter. I finally realized that I was powerless when my daughter left home for a month. The first week , I did not know where she was ….talk about being powerless. That is when I learned to focus on the things I could change….ME !! my feelings, my fear, my uncertainty …I did that by talking on the phone to other al-anon friends and going to many extra meetings. I learned to take things One Day at a Time …One Hour at a Time sometimes….and I learned that others would help me deal with my feelings…I am blessed to be surrounded by such great people that share thier experience, strength and hope! and now we can share it online !! We are never alone!
My husband has been sober for over a year and I am having a difficult time. Having been in the program for 10 years I know I have to keep coming back and admit step one all over again and again and again and again…..Just because he’s stopped drinking doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. My life is still unmanageable and why should I stop working the steps, especially step one? Step one saved my life and our marriage. I can only do this if I work my steps on a contiual basis…so I will! Writing is great and sharing it with others online is wonderful too
I came to alanon because my life was unmanagable. The alcoholic in my life and I had been divorced for 4 years and I was still out of control with my behaviours and emotions- anger, crying, yelling, isolating etc. I even tried AA because the alcoholic told me I was alcoholic. I believed him but argued the whole time I was in the room with these people. Finally someone suggested that maybe I need alanon. i knew alcohol wasn’t my problem, I could take it or leaave it, and that part of what AA members talked about didn’t make sense to me(0bsession). I will be forever grateful to the AA member who suggested alanon because it was at my first meetings that I began to identify what was happening to me. i devoured as much litature as I could and found myself in those lines. At last i had hope again in my life, I could see a way out of the crazynes that my mind had me entangled in. My obsession was the alcoholic and the realization that I was powerless to change anything this person said, believed or did. The sense of relief I found when I realized that I didn’t cause this disease, couldn’t control it nor cure it felt like a weight had been lifted off my back. This step made the next steps easier to take becuase the foundation I had gained in the admittence of powerlesness and unmanagabliity lighted my load and mind to grow back to me and beter.
Dear Program Friends…
I’m so pleased to find you on the website and hope to utilize sharing (others/mine) while I’m in Spain. I live in northern Ohio but am blessed to have an opportunity to vacation in a new location from 2/4 until the end of the month. I’ve checked availability of meetings in Spain on the international contact list as well as in their local newspapers but no luck near Torremolinos. It’s primarily a tourist area so it’s not surprising that listed meetings are in larger cities. So if we can connect, I’ll be writing from Spain and sharing on Step 2. Thanks for being there! Carol R. Norwalk, Ohio
Step 1 was one I understood in knowledge. It took 6 months into the program before I cried on my sofa and said God I can’t do this anymore. Take my husband – I am done. That was action – actually working this step. It was the most freeing experience I had in years and it was the growth step I needed to get moving and get better. My anxiety attacks are less as time goes on and that is thanks to the program and this first step. When my head swirls and I feel that old gut wretching anxiety coming back, I know I am not in a good place. It is time to get back to step #1. This is a huge step and it takes a while to get the layers within this step. It is a good place to return to and remind myself – ground myself – when the anxiety comes back. Once I say this step, the anxiety lessens or disappears. I am glad to be powerless. That was a scary thought when I first came into the program because everything was out of control and I blamed the alcoholics in my life. I was the one that was nuts – control freak. Let Go and Let God has been my mantra for over a year and it has helped tremendously in all my affairs.
This is my first time on this website. I’ve read all the posts and see myself in them. I feel like I am losing ‘me’. My problem is more complicated. My sister is mentally ill now. She lived a completely normal and productive life until about 4 years ago. She has delusional paranoia…..and she’s now an alcoholic. How do I deal with this?
I have difficulty with the concept of being powerless. I feel a sense of relief that I am powerless. And yet, knowing and acting on that knowledge are two very different things. I recognize the fact that I can not control the alcoholic and yet I constantly find myself trying to convince him that he has to find sobriety and recovery NOW. I realize that I am trying to convince him for my own selfish motives – “If he finds recovery than we can begin to live Happily Ever After.” I want the fairy tale. I struggle with the knowledge that I can write only my own part in the story and not any other characters – including my Prince Charming.
My mind is whirling about what others have said on this site. I came on here looking for a meeting after finding my husband has been drinking this afternoon and I am done with it. I have enabled my husb to smoke pot for 20 years and now he has started drinking and doesnt seem to be able to stop. i feel like I have put up with his pot use for so long and took care of things so we really have a nice life…why does he have to add this issue. I CANT tolerate him drinking, my biggest issue is he drinks and drives. I had a death in my immediate family from a drunk driver when I was young. What if he hurts someone? What if he hurts himself? What if we loose everything that we have because he does something stupid? im so embarressed. I have tried threats, guilt, ultimatums, anger. Nothing works. I have alot of work to do one step one. Thanks for listening
My situation is a little different. No one in my house drinks, we don’t have a drop of alcohol of any kind in the house. My husband is a drug addict his drug of choice is meth. The Judge has ordered me to to go to meetings 3 times a week for 3 months. For what? All I’ve read and seen on the website is about alcoholism, but what about drugs? I did the NA thing with him and that was a waste of my time. He’s in jail now and I have no idea when he’ll get out (and don’t care).
How can Al-Alnon help me? I’m not co-dependent and not a drug user. Please advise me on this because I’m at a loss and don’t see how this is going to help me or my son.
Kelly Im new to this but am going to try some meetings. It works for lots of people, maybe just try it for awhile. Its different from NA because its about you not him. Liz
Kelly Please keep going to meetings. As Liz said the program is about helping you. Keep an open mind and do this one day at a time. i have been where you are now and my suspicion is that the judge sees that you need help to deal with this situation in your life. An alcoholic seen this in me and I tok his advice 4 years ago and today I have serenity in my life. This serenity helps me to be a better person to myself and those i love. It is part of the journey of kife. Keep coming back.
Alanon teaches that we are not responsible for the alcoholics behavior, but we are responsible for our own behavior. Step one is very powerful as it clarifies that I cannot control the alcoholic therefore I am not responsible for that which (the alcoholic) I cannot control.
My behavior – is my responsiblity – I do have the power to make choices about how I respond to difficult situatuions. I can achieve a sense of calm and sanity when I take time to time focus on me and how I want to respond to situations.
Hi all,
I am glad I came across this site. I do attend f2f meetings but still I am crazy in my mind. I have been with my partner since 1997. We moved in together in 1999. In 2009, I moved out for the 3RD TIME!!!
Valentine Day weekend I came back home to be with my partner. I am still with my partner at our house. However, I am just “there”. We are dancing around each other. She doesn’t want me to leave per se but she isn’t exactly doing anything to make me want to stay either. I don’t know what to do but keep coming back. Here is where I find peace, serenity, and am reminded I am not crazy.
Thanks
I’ve never been to a meeting before – my husband keeps asking me to go. To help me understand. My problem is that his addictions are something that I do not and will not continue to live with. We have a 4 1/2 year old son. We both adore him! I don’t want him living in this situation. My husband is not violent. I’m not scared…I just want a better life. I work hard! I have accomplished things….many things are a mess because of his addictions. He quit drinking 2 years ago, but replaced that with pain pills. I hate coming home to a man that looks high off of pain pills and valum! I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that? I don’t want to cope anymore…….
Julie I am in a similiar situation. I am just tired of it, I keep saying to my “Im done”. i am looking for alanon to help me take care of myself and life will take me from there.
Liz
I’ve been struggling with this for many years and have visited this website, but tonight was the first I’ve listened to the podcast about Step1. I’ve never been to an Al-anon meeting. I suppose I need to go because I’m still confused. My husband is what I believe they call a functioning alcholic. He drinks at least a 6 pack every day, but stops drinking by the time I get home. Some afternoons he isn’t drunk, but some days like today, he is and you never know what might set him off to get angry. He doesn’t get violent much, but is unreasonable to talk to. We’ve been married 20+ years and though I’m tired and just want to quit, I know that’s not what God wants me to do. So, I’m trying to figure this out. I understand being powerless over alchohol and I’m doing better at not looking for the evidence of how much he’s drank. (I know that part makes me emotionally sick.) But it’s hard to not get mad and after a bad argument like tonight (where he’s left and I’m sure out drinking more beer) to wake up the next day, go to our jobs and pretend everything is hunky-dory. We might have a few good weeks in a row and I think I’m doing good acceptaning it’s not my problem. And then an argument over something else leads me to comment about his drinking. How do I stop that??
I have a 33year old son who is an alcholic, I have two brothers that due to their drinking and drugs, became paranoid scitsophrenics. I am worried to death over my son. he has moved accross country, and even tho he had a good job,a college degree,, he is now working as a day laborer. I am so afraid that I will say something that will not help him. I would like to write him a letter asking him to get help, His father is a recovered alcholic, He says nothing I can do about it/ It hurts and scares me. I feel so helpless. I see the comments here, and think that I should just leave him to his devils . Is that really all that I can do??
Annette, as Step One says: you are powerless over your son, powerless over alcoholism. There is truly nothing you can do, except love him with detachment. Detachment is a key concept in Al-Anon. I am hoping that you can find a meeting to go to, they help so much! Please look into finding meeting for yourself-you can only take care of youself, not him. Sad, I know-but so true.
Good Luck.
Mary Jo (MJ)
TO JULIE:
You said ” I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that?”
I just wanted to clarify something VERY important about Al-Anon, which is that we NEVER EVER tell anyone what to do about their relationships or anything else. Al-Anon does provide the necessary tools to help a person decide for themself what is best for them. If anyone in Al-Anon ever gives advice or tells someone what they think they should do–that person is NOT practicing the Al-Anon principles. PLEASE do not be afraid to go to a meeting-you don’t even have to speak (unless you want to). One of our slogans is “Listen and Learn.” Al-Anon is not about telling anyoone what to do or not to do–it is about demonstrating our experience, strength, and hope, and showing others by example, how to live a better life. We always say “Take what you like, and leave the rest”.
Hope this helps; and I sincerely hope that you will try a few meetings.
Mary Jo
Hi everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years off and on. We live together now. Well he is an alcoholic and really wants help. Tuesday he admitted himself into a detox center. He really wants in patient but his insurance will not cover all of it and we can not afford it. I’m not sure what to do cause he says he can not do it by his self.
I talked to him today and he said that he may have to come home and try to do it on his own. I guess what I am asking is HOW do I help him through this..Do I tell him NO when he wants alcohol or what. I’m lost, I have never been addictd to anything and never been through anything like this. I cry ever night because I want him home but I also want him better. Please help me with any advice you may have. Oh one more question…What do I tell the kids??????????? We have seven between us and I just dont know what to tell them as to where he is. Thank you
I have been in al-anon on and off for many years. I divorced my first husband of 21 years b/c of infidelity – he was an alcoholic but I did not realize it for much of that marriage. When I finally learned in al-anon about alcoholism and how it destroyed the love and respect we had I vowed I would never again get involved with another alcoholic . . . wrong. I married my second husband knowing he was alcoholic but I denied it to myself. I made myself believe he wasn’t as bad and I (still) believe he would not be unfaithful. Turns out he had an even more severe alcohol addiction. He is now sober after 12 years of marriage – for two years now -sort of a dry sobriety – he doesn’t drink but he really isn’t working a program seriously. He goes through the motions occasionally. I thought his sobriety would end most of our problems but it hasn’t. The main problem is the same as in the first marriage – we’ve lost the love and respect we had and basically don’t like each other that much. Too much water over the bridge or something. Now that I’m in advancing years I am having some health problems. I don’t have the energy or desire to deal with HIM anymore and that is a relief. What I really want and need is serenity. I know that many (younger) people in al-anon are fighting for their marriage and family. I think that is noble however no one has made me feel that is what I should do also. I go to an-alnon stricly to learn to take care of myself. My biggest flaw in taking care of myself is that I am still too dependent on him. I hate to admit to another failed marriage so I keep “going to the hardware store for bread.” That means I keep hoping that I can get my emotional needs met by him. I set myself up by hoping and engaging with him as if he is equipped to really help ME for a change. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results – the definition of insanity – because I end up hopeless and depressed when reality hits. So I ask myself constantly – why do I hang on? Why can’t I let go? That is how powerless I am and how my life is unmanagable. Step 2 promises that my higher power will restore me to sanity.
I am a slow learner. I will be in al-anon for the remainder of my life I suspect.
Step One is the first step in an incredible journey! Step One teaches that alcoholism is a disease- a family disease and a disease of relationships. I was affected by the alcoholism in my family so my thoughts and feelings became distorted. I thought that I knew what was best for others, but Al-Anon taught me that many of my attempts to control others actually contributed to the problems in my family. I felt compelled to “force solutions,” but I ended up making many situations worse! My life became unmanageable and I felt out of control. I was absolutely miserable before I came to Al-Anon!
Step One puts my life back in proper perspective. I am completely powerless over people, places and things, but I am NOT powerless over ME. I have responsibility for my actions, but not for anyone else’s thoughts or behavior. Step One puts the focus back on me- not on the alcoholic. My attempts to control others made my life crazy but “by letting go of this battle that I was sure to lose, I became free.” Those around me found their freedom, too- the freedom to make their own mistakes and face their own consequences (without my interference!)
Step One teaches me to love the person and hate the disease. That is where the disease concept comes in. Alcoholism is like a spider web- its almost invisible yet it affects anyone who comes in contact with it. This spider web of disease spreads through families, twisting relationships and making everyone sick. In Al-Anon, I have learned to “detach with love” and put myself first. I no longer fight the world. Because of Al-Anon and the 12 Steps, I am happy for the first time in my life!
Funny how it works! By letting go of others, we can experience an even greater personal power and freedom. So why don’t you give Al-Anon a chance? What have you got to lose? Try six meetings- as close together as possible- and Keep Coming Back. The Al-Anon program works if you work it!
ls
Step One: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.
I have not been to a meeting yet, but I am trying to work up the courage to go…
My parents are both alcoholics, and I grew up in a very chaotic world. Now I am married with two young children. My husband is in the Army and was deployed to Iraq for a year in 2008. He very rarely drank before the deployment, but after the deployment he started drinking almost everyday. He started treating me like crap and cheated on me with four different women. I tried to control and manipulate him into getiing back on track. I tried ultimatums, threats, guilt… I tried getting his command involved… nothing worked. I filed for divorce six months ago. It is a daily struggle for me not to let my husband manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and taking him back. Sometimes I cant control the urge to call or text him and make him feel guilty for abandoning our family for alcohol. Sometimes I make him cry. Last night we were talking about our situation and he said, “I like to go to bars. I like to drink. It’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. It puts me in a better mood and helps me forget my problems for a little while. I am not going to change.” When he said this, I realized I AM POWERLESS. There is nothing I can do or say that will make this man change. Absolutely nothing.
So I guess that is step one.
I have been to two Al-Anon meetings recently–right after I learned that I was married to an alcoholic after 24 years of marriage! He hid it very well, swore his children from his first marriage to secrecy as well as his brother-all who have now begun to talk about what his drinking was like in the first marriage. Over the years, I saw what I consider an alcoholic personality, but never any drinking. As a diabetic, he never drank for years. I grew up with an alcoholic brother and dealt with his manipulative behavior all of my life. It was a relief when he died at age 75. Now I have a husband who’s behavior is mirroring my brother’s. We are not young–he’s 75 and I am 9 years younger. He was just released from a care center after 10 weeks of IV antibiotics to treat osteomylitis in the lumbar section of his back caused by a staph infection. He went into the hospital for 17 days prior to the 2.5 months in the care center. While in the hospital he went through DT’s and nearly died. He must have started drinking again about 3 years ago as best I can calculate but hid it entirely until recently when it got out of control. As soon as the ventilator he was on was removed in the hospital, he asked for a 6 pack of beer! He’s been home 4 days and has tried 5 times to get beer even though he is so weak, he can barely walk and has fallen twice already. He is also on 2 strong narcotic pain medications, Prozac, Ativan, an antibiotic plus a nerve blocker. He’s developing dementia and has lost 40 lbs. After all he’s been through as well as myself and his family, he’s now sober and wants nothing more than to get a beer at the first opportunity! Talk about being powerless over alcohol!!!! I have told him that I cannot live with him drinking, and that I will divorce him…and I will. It took a lot to say that because I don’t make idle threats. In all 24 years of our marriage, nothing has brought me to the point of saying that until now. With his illness, we are nearing bankruptcy. I’ve discovered over the last 3 months that he’s been sneaking money from credit cards (getting cash and buying money orders) to buy coins–another addiction. Over the last 7 years, it’s amounted to several thousand dollars that I can account for. I remember taking care of myself…it’s time to do that once again. Although he’s old and sick, he is where he is from choices he made–I didn’t make them for him–didn’t even know about them! I’m looking to Al-Anon for support through this rollercoaster of emotions.