Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
115 comments
I can’t tell anyone else what will work for them or what would be the best solution in terms of leaving or staying. I can tell you that going to an Al-Anon meeting was the last thing that I thought could help me. I didn’t see how talking to more people about how bad it was could make it better. It did but only because I found out that I wasn’t alone and that other people were living with similar problems as mine and yet they were smiling. Al-Anon Family Groups taught them and me how to live our lives and leave the alcoholic to a Power greater than me or anyone else. I began to understand that other people’s opinions of me and what was right and wrong were none of my business. At those meetings, I found people who didn’t judge me. They asked me how I was doing and they really wanted to hear the answer. When I would respond with a statement that was based on the alcoholic’s behavior, they would gently remind me that wasn’t the question. I know what the ache and confusion of living with alcoholism does to someone because it did it to me. I also know that Al-Anon can work for me regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn’t do. The woman who invited me to go to my first meeting also became my first sponsor. She was loving and gentle as she reminded me that taking care of me first was the greatest act of love for everyone I cared about. The irony was that before she said that I didn’t even consider the impact of not taking care of myself because I always was so busy trying to fix everyone else.
Hope to see you in a meeting soon. Someone like me will be there with a smile, a hug (if you want), and an open heart. I know it sounds too good to be true. I know that it’s so because those meetings prove it to me week after week.
You know looking at myself and working on me is the hardest thing about all this. It’s me that’s the problem. My reactions. My perceptions. My emotions being triggered by what? Always something to look at, admit and decide what to do with.
I am not alone. So many others struggling the same way….no unique individuals in this. All our stories sound so familiar.
It has to stop some where…..has to stop with me. Break the chain. Stop the cycle. Make the stand….the buck stops here.
Admit the truth….can’t handle this. Too much. Stress is intense. Body can’t handle it.
God can handle all things. I’m not meant to take all this on.
Let go. It’s not up to me. I am not responsible for the alcoholic…he is for himself.
Love the unlovely with God’s help and see where that takes me. Wait. Hold on. Trust.
The First Step is part of my daily life. I am powerless over people’s choices on how they respond or react to the effects of the disease of alcoholism. There is one occasion that stands out as a case where a huge emotional log jam was released as a result of working this step.
A month before my first wife died and 10 months into treatments for cancer, things were extremely tense at home. I was at work from 5:30 to 5 every day and returning home was stressful. I was entering a bee hive of emotionally distraught people. They were all deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism and none were in recovery in Al-Anon. For a few weeks one relative acted as if I did not exist when I arrived home. She was in anguish over her relative’s deteriorating health and her stress was coming out as anger directed at me. Her form of expression was to shut me out as I have done to so many people in my life. I was living my life and trying to be loving and supportive to my wife and all of her many friends and relatives but I was struggling with taking care of myself in such a stressful circumstance.
One day I stopped at my favorite restaurant for a bowl of soup on my way home. I sat there exhausted and dreading my having to arrive to my home filled with loving, smiling yet stressed people. I pulled out my P4 Alcoholism, A Family Disease booklet and read the 12 steps slowly and deliberately, pondering on the broken relationship I had with that relative who was giving me the silent treatment. I fully realized and fully accepted the fact that I was powerless over her choice on how she handles the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. My life had become unmanageable by my taking her treatment of me personally. I was emotionally out of balance. Even with 7 years in recovery I was having suicidal thoughts as a way to escape this overwhelmingly difficult situation.
When I got home an hour later than usual no one complained or questioned me. When I encountered the silent relative I felt deep love and compassion for her. My emotional log jam had broken loose and I felt freed, even in my house filled with people. For the next month I continued to take care of myself with the help of friends in Al-Anon. Taking care of me was getting to meetings several times a week and taking several weeks off from work before and after my wife died. The term alcohol in Step 1 has come to be very broad in my mind. I personally think that every person on earth has been affected by this disease at some level. Admitting that I am powerless over alcohol is now part of my inner soul and impacts how I respond to others in all relationships in my life.
To those who think your alone….your not I’ve dealt with this all my life not only watching my parents do it but others as well and I thought I did something wrong. But I come to realize that it wasn’t me….it was them and they were doing it to themselves. I went to my first meeting because I felt anger inside…didn’t know why maybe from other past experiences but I knew it was more then that. Lucky for me I wasn’t alone my sister invited me so I decided to go just to see what it was about and it suprised me to know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. I’m gonna continue to go to these meetings not just for myself but for those who feel they can’t. Remember it’s you that makes the choice on what you want to do to take back control of your life….not them. God Bless and be strong. We’re all here for you….even though you may seem like your alone.
Sincerley
BCL
My husband comes home from Rehab in 5 days – I am nervous and hopeful. I will attend my first meeting this Saturday at 10. I am not sure what to expect. My ex was an alcoholic and I went to Al anon meetings and never felt like I fit in so I went to private counseling. I think I need to stick it out more and see if I can make it work. I know, in my mind, that I am powerless – but I was starting to “count” the number of beers he had which indicates that I was acting crazy thinking I could control what he was doing. Finally around Memorial Day – after a two day drunken spree he ended up in the hospital and in rehab. I hope the twelve steps will help me once I learn how to apply them. I have been reading a lot and thinking about what I want and what needs to change but I need the support to not fall back into old patterns. As I said – I did this once before with my ex and I am disappointed I am right back here again. I wonder if I will ever get it figured out permanently.
My Mother is one of the alcoholics in my life — main benefit of Al-Anon was breaking free from neurotic behaviour patterns…Finally able to live my own life.
She continues to drink, but although I cannot stop her drinking I can choose my reaction.
Its hard for me to admit tthis when if I stay home he won’t drink but if I go do anything he gets trashed
I have an 18 yo son that I took to a residential treatment facility yesterday for pot. It’s not alcohol, but it was recommended I attend some of these meetings. I feel like such a failure as a mom, I did not raise him to think this was a way of life. My exhusband is an alcoholic and my greatest fear is my son will follow in his footsteps. Son understands dad has a problem, and won’t be around him if he’s drinking, yet doesn’t see what he’s doing to our family.
I feel broken and lost.
Oh dear you are all so posh
When I came to al-anon I knew I was powerless over the alcoholic and the disease . 15 years with my husband and growing up with it , at age 38 I had had enough !
I was at an emotional bottom and I was giving up on everything in my life and and ready to get out it was only a matter of HOW !
al-anon saved my life ! I was powerless over alcohol and its effects , I was powerless over the alcoholics and their tornadoes , and most all and my deepest denial ! i was powerless over the disease of alcoholism ….
TODAY I have the POWER in my life because of the 12 steps and the fellowship ! I am no longer powerless and my life is no longer UNMANAGEABLE (MY INSIDES ARE AT PEACE) ! THANKS to the love and friendship I am blessed to have in life EVERYDAY ! AND EVERYDAY MEANS EVERYDAY !
MY HOPE IS FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE STRUGGLING WITH THIS DISEASE TO FIND THE POWER OF THIS PROGRAM AND HOLD ONTO TO IT !!! IT WORKS ! IT REALLY DOES….
Powerless, life unmanageable… I couldn’t believe that someone could describe my life so completely and this was step 1.
My first meeting changed my life. Reading “One step at a time” comforts me when things are bad.
I will probably be on step one for a long time.
unmanageable …. describes it well. myself, I am still in the thick of things.
my husband has been struggling with alcoholism for years and clearly I do not know how to deal with it. anger, does not work. trying to find a way to cope that will cause the kids the lest amount of distress. wish someone could just tell me to stay OR go?
I feel like once again, I am on a search for something or someone to help my husband. My husband has been drinking for almost 40 years. I have been in an alcohol controled marriage for over 25. Do I still love him? yes! Can I make him stop. NO! I have no control over the alcohol and how much and when he choses to imbibe. I have given this to God and took it back on my shoulders so many times I can’t count. It seems like a cycle. God controls it not me. I just pray for enough hope and grace to see it through. Now for the real problem, How do I control myself. What do I really want to be and do? How do I accomplish this with an alcoholic husband who always seems to do the exact opposite of what needs to be done. Can I hold on and just let go let God? These are all the questions I ask myself. The world outside of home(even a non alcoholic home) is really cruel. I just have to pray more and remember we all have skeletons in our closets. God bless ya’ll and thanks for letting me share.
I am going to attend a meeting soon. Living with an alcoholic husband for 14 years now and don’t know how much longer I can take it. I don’t want it to affect our children. Husbands dad was an alcoholic also and I am now scared for my children. Thanks for sharing all the stories. This site is helping me already.
I to intend to start attending meetings. It is my gift to myself. I can tell you all, that no matter how old you are (I am in my 50’s), unless you take the time to address your learned responses to life’s issues, it is possible that occasionally your responses continue to be somewhat skewed.
Now, passing mid-life, and after the death of my alcoholic father this spring, I no longer wish to be held prisoner by the fear and distrust I have learned to carry around and hide.
My childhood responses have no place in my life today. I am ever thankful that organizations like this exist. I am a moderately successful professional who wonders what life would have been like had I addressed MY issues early in life. And I also wonder what great things are are still to come!
Thanks for listening! j