Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
192 comments
My Alcoholic boyfriend has been sober for 8 days in AA. He was dry for the first year we were together and just had a bad relapse. I am struggling so much with step one, with two alcoholic parents, one in recovery and one still active but functioning at a high level (professionally, not personally); I have difficulty letting go of the responsibility I have always felt to have the solutions… So much so, that I am actually resentful of his finding AA, of finding a solution in AA- for AA getting all the credit when I worked SO hard to get him sober, and to no avail. I also am resentful of the fact that now that he is sober he’s throwing himself a goddamn pink-cloud-parade. I’m thinking, “where is the remorse i wanted you to feel!?” So, there you go. I’m completely powerless, once again.
I grew up taking care of my four younger sisters… My father was never home and my mother didnt get sober until i turned 16…for that year especially, i had to take care of everyone.
I feel as though i’m reliving my childhood in this relationship. I am grateful for the opportunity I am being given to do that, because this time i am offered a chance to heal, to give up the fight, to say, “Alright, I’m losing this battle. This one’s lost. What’s Next?” and move on to the next phase of my own growth of consciousness…
I’ve been sober for four years, and I’m now beginning to understand the reasons behind why I drank. The feelings behind my drinking. I wanted relief from feeling like i had to be in-control. I still do, but the option to drink is no longer on the table for me. So I have to give up those responsibilities. To REALLY begin to love the little girl inside, and to say, the world is not my fault. I am responsible for myself. The only thing i can control are my own actions. I don’t have to react.
Thanks Alanon for being here. I havent gotten the willingness to go to more than two meetings face to face, but im going online and it’s helping a lot. I know my actions will add up and that eventually i’ll find the courage to change.
Powerlessness keeps chasing me.!!! Recently I finished a term of service to my group, and I kept bringing it up at announcement time each week, that my term of service was over.
I was getting aggravated that no one would pick up this service, until one day at my meditation time, the Higher Power asked me, “Whose group is this?” I had been acting as if I owned the group.
As soon as I relaized that the group belonged to the members, under HP’s direction, my behavior must have changed, because at the very next meeting, someone volunteered to do this service.!!!!! Surprise.!!
I was scarred when i attended my first Al-anon meeting. I admitted that I am powerless infront of drinks. I can’t change anybody but I can change myself. I feel better now.
I first came to Al-Anon about 8 years ago because I realized my life with my alcoholic boyfriend had become unmanageable. But it took me awhile to accept that I was powerless. I thought that if I just said the right words, or did the right things, I could keep him from drinking too much – and then everything would be alright. I was raised to take responsibility for things and not be a quitter. I kept coming back, hoping that eventually someone there would tell me the magic trick that would get him to stop. I never got that, but luckily, I did keep coming back. And eventually it sunk in that there is no shame in walking away from a fight you can never win. And when I finally admitted I was powerless over alcohol, I opened the door to becoming much more powerful in dealing with own thoughts and feelings. Today, I’m using the program to continue working on my own recovery – one day at a time.
With my Therapist conscent I have decided to start an Al-anon group in my area. The closest one is 30 miles away and in the winter months it is too hard to get there. Not to mention the lack of public transportation.
I have been living with my alcoholic for 5 year’s now. He has finally hit rock bottom. A week ago at the ER. he was diagnosed with End Stage Liver Disease, Advanced Ascites, Ataxia, Malnutrition and Coagulopathy. He was given about a year to live in this condition. He actually quit drinking 4 days before the ER visit and continues not to drink.
He is back home and is actually doing better but still not in the clear. For 5 year’s I had been trying to get him to quit. Arguements, pouring out and hidding booze, key’s etc. Threatening to leave. Trying to ignor the problem and then over controlling the situation. Nothing worked.
10 years ago, before I met him, he was in jail for six months for 4 DUI’s and after that, mandatory sobriety. He lost everything, his wife, house, vehicle, kids, etc. Even after completing probation and AA. He went back to the alcohol.
I do honestly believe he has quit for good, but at what cost? Having only months left to live?
I wish I would have gone to Al-anon years ago.
I have been in Al-Anon for about a month now. I think I was a blank sheet of paper because I have just completely soaked he program right up. My husband is wonderful.. he is kind, funny, smart, has a great job, and makes me feel loved, that being said, he is also very sick. he is an alcoholic and is also addicted to oxycontin. When I met my husband we would go drink together. I have let go of the resentment toward myself for that time in my life. I did not know better at the time it worked for us but now it does not. A year ago he relapsed and started snorting pills but did not tell me. This is where it gets tricky because my husband is an honest man but he lied to me, to my face, for a year. I am so grateful that he did because now I am getting the help I need. I’ve made immense progress because of Al-Anon and my personal therapy. I have discovered that I have problems to deal with and to change. I take on everyone else’s pain and sorrow, I internalize. I think I am helping them by feeling it but all I am doing is hurting me. My husband is in AA but even if he relapses I have learned I have to be okay with it. I am working on myself, I am on my path, and he is a separate person. I am learning to allow my husband to live his own life in every way.. if I make him dinner it is out of kindness not a need to take care of him.. He is a grown man and can take care of himself. I have allowed him his own choices in his addiction and alcoholism as well. It is up to him. I am working on being happy, worrying about what I can change, letting go of what I cannot, and building my relationship with God as I see him. I am just now seeing him although I realize he has always been there. I am truly finding happiness and peace. This quotes sums up what my relationship with my husband is becoming: “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
? Khalil Gibran, The Prophet
I wanted to share addiction treatment basic lingo here based on what I’ve read above…and I myself have finally written down the local meetings for Al-Anon too and the comments above are inspiring…
For someone who may be ‘chemically dependent’ (i.e. addicted to alcohol or any other drug. Sometimes people dependent on alcohol will abuse a stimulant/upper to attempt to function/go to work/hang out, etc.) the first step would be going to a support group and getting an ‘assessment’ (evaluation).
Due to the severe risks of stopping drinking it’s best to call a local hospitals medical detoxification (‘detox’) for an evaluation. From there a specialist determines whether medical detox is required (often with alcohol, for example, seizures can take place and yes they can be deadly).
The detox ‘intake’ specialist will then refer the person to medical detox or less likely to residential/’inpatient’ for a 2 or 3 week program (varies widely, longer programs often approved when women are pregnant for example).
After any medical detox to keep the person safe getting off alcohol there is either inpatient our outpatient based on the individual’s needs (explored in an assessment/interview) to determine residential/non residential.
Outpatient varies in intensity or frequency that is. A few times a week for a few hours a day, almost every day of the week etc. depending on the assessment/needs of that person. Urine tests called ‘UA’s are done for accountability.
‘Aftercare’ is a term sometimes used for after more frequent outpatient…it may just be weekly…
I would think that if someone qualifies for residentialinpatient that they generalliy are recommended to slowly decrease structure…going then to outpatient before or after work…getting what is known as ‘clean and sober’ housing before returning to live at hoome (so that signs of using and immediate support are available with roommates)…
One source for clean and sober housing are The Oxford House. People who are chemically dependent can search for openings to rent a room in a real home, some allow pets and they are individually run.
So before you go doing the work for someone else consider just sending them: I learned that living with other people working a program of recovery can really help and The Oxford House is a nationwide group that lists rooms to rent in ‘clean and sober housing’ that meets their group’s criteria. I learned that generally you need to already have a job and that you do need to pay some up front rent money. The interview you on the phone or in person and there is a weekly house meeting. Some even have pets and you can stay as long as it’s working out, that’s up to you. I also learned going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and getting a sponsor asap that you can call anytime is a free way to get help from people who really get the disease of addiction. And that you can call around for medical detox at the hospitals or even go to an ER and ask for detox off of alcohol for a referral. I’m going to leave the research up to you, because I love you but I no longer want to be doing the work that benefits you the most. After all, the choice is ultimately yours.
I first walked into an Al-anon meeting in my mid-20s. I listened and thought that the people in that meeting were really messed up. I had some problems, but nothing compared to those people. I left and didn’t go back until last January-almost 20 years later. I now realize that I am one of those messed up people. If I had the knowledge then that I have now, I would have stayed in Al-anon. But I wasn’t ready then. I am ready now and my life is unmangemable. I understand now that I have no control over alcohol or any human being, except myself. I can lecture my husband over and over and his behavior never changes. I can tell him how much it hurts me when he starts drinking and forgets to come home or even call me. I can tell him how much it scares me when he drives drunk. Or how his drinking is causing us serious financial troubles. No matter what I say or do, he does not change. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and I believe that the affect on the family is also progressive. I have became more out of control as he became more out of control. I was so busy trying to control everything and everyone, that I was exhausted and angry. So, I am now focusing on my behavior, my happiness, and my serenity. I am trying to learn new coping skills. I go to meetings, read a lot of Al-anon literature and have just recently gotten a sponsor. I am working on step one and two. Thank you to everyone that shares. It helps knowing I am not alone in this journey.
I have been in the program for over five years and I am still amazed at all of the ways God choses to get me back to Step One. I have a short memory and must be reminded that I am powerless. My husband is an active alcoholic who has been to treatment on two different occasions. I have tried to no avail to remind him that he is an alcoholic. I finally have gotten to the point where I take care of myself. I say what I mean and am not mean. I can not be around him for long periods of time when he is drinking. So I make other plans and take care of myself. I have a sponsor and have worked the steps with her.
Working on myself and changing the things that I can, is enough to keep me busy. I have a full life and have gotten to the point where I have learned to smile. I feel grateful to have been brought to my “Bottom” because so much of me has changed as a result of my husbands illness.
I will not say every day is a bed of roses. There are times I get lonley and wish I had my husband back. But I also have tools to work the program and keep the focus on me. I can only pray that my husband will desire a recovery program. That too is in God’s hands and His timing. My job is to try and be the best me I can be and to continue to work on me. Hang in there and don’t give up. The road to recovery is not easy but is very rewarding. They say “It works if you work it” I have found it to be true. We are not guaranteed that our loved ones will find sobriety, but we can learn to be content and even happy wheather the alcoholic is still drinking or not. That to me was a miracle as I never thought I could be content if “He” did not change.
I attended my first Al-Anon meeting today and appreciated the simple fact that I could speak of my frustrations without being interrupted or judged. I am planning on going back to that group, and perhaps finding a second meeting throughout the week for a men’s only group. I have been trying to control my wife’s drinking and infidelity by giving her ultimatums. “You don’t stop drinking, I’ll take the kids, You don’t stop seeing this guy, I’m going to tell everyone, kids included what you are upto when they ask.” I will no longer cover for her. I will work on me so that I can be the best dad I can be, wether I am single or not. It is hard to release control and accept that I am powerless in this situation, but unmanageable and unmaintainable in its current status is my life. My wife has not hit her rock bottom, but I believe I have found mine. I am taking steps, baby steps.
Wishing I could find a group and a meeting today so online is my next best option. I filed for divorce this week and served my alcoholic with notice I would be seeking full custody of our child. I have been trying everything I can imagine to encourage or force or persuade her into recovery, but to no avail. Once before she did have a few years sobriety when faced with losing her children from a prior marriage, but even that did not last.
Maybe this is my realization of the first step. I can get all lawyered-up and try once more to force the issue but perhaps I am powerless after all. Sure feels unmanageable.
I am at a crossroads here and feel that I need to do something soon…my husband’s drinking is out of control to the point that it’s starting to affect his job by his inability to get up in the mornings and go to work. He is our only income right now and I am not having any luck in finding a job. The bills are starting to pile up and I know it’s only a matter of time before we are just so far behind it will be impossible to keep a roof over our head. I want to leave him and I have before but I came back after falling for his promises that he would stop the drinking and start going to work everyday and be responsible. He has had a DUI and his license was suspended so he cannot drive. I feel that if I leave him he will be at a total disadvantage without any kind of transportation. I know it’s something he brought on himself but why do I feel guilty if I do leave and weak for not doing it.
My adult son and family (two girls and a wife) came to live with me 14 months ago, he isn’t able to work because of an injury, it was suppose to be only 3 months that they would need help. My son is the alcoholic. But he does not think he is and it is drivng me to the brink. At one point I told him that he would have to move out so he went to a couple of AA meeting. So I thougt as long as he would go to meeting that he could stay in my home. That didn’t last to long and I’m not sure what my next step should be. HELP…Please
my boyfriend of three years recently went fishing and hooked a plastic bottle of wine and drank it all while i was at work. i knew something was up and that he was lying to me somehow.(hypervigilant?) my instant reaction was to boot him out and i told him that i didn’t want to spend my life with an alcoholic. i picked up his bike and left him there downtown. he was so drunk he couldn’t ride the bike and had fallen and scraped his cheek. he could barely walk. he had lied to me previously many times and i have thrown him out before and couldn’t stick to it because of course I love him. he hiked out to his mom’s; ten minutes drive away, and stumbled around there til his brother called and told me how drunk he was and that he might get picked up by the cops or beat up. I should have let him suffer whatever happened to him but i went to get him and endured verbal abuse and things being thrown at me occasionally for five or six hours til he fell asleep.
he hasn’t done this in a while as i have told him how his drinking hurts me and himself and that i didn’t want him to end up like his parents who are still active alcoholic senior citizens. his brothers are the same and at times we used to help them til we realized it was neverending and stopped. he has been doing better so i pardoned him this time and didn’t throw him out. i wish i could have the strength to break up with him. he is a totally different person when sober albeit a bad temper once in a while. I hate myself because i am weak and don’t just kick him out.
My boyfriend of 6 years has been facing addiction problems his whole life. It wasn’t till recently he entered a rehab and took it seriously. Since hes been there many old feelings have been coming up and many lies are starting to have truth behind them. Its sad to see all the times hes convinced me that everything was fine then little did I know he would be using in the next room. I’m now seeing that I was powerless in the situation and he would of done anything to get a high. Now I have to face his family since all the lies I’ve told to cover his tracks are starting to resurface. I thought no one would understand what I did for my boyfriend but just reading these stories make me realize I’m not alone and not all I did was my fault. Its hard to admit that’ I’m powerless when it comes to addiction but it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders just telling myself that. Now that hes working on himself its time I did the same! Thank you all for sharing a part of your life story.
My partner is not alcoholic, but he is suffering from mental health and trauma issues which cause the same sort of results – and I am recognising so much of myself in what I am reading here. I have been feeling very alone and very unsure of how to handle this, but these steps make sense. Especially right now step 1 –
Today I have been pushed to the limit finally, and am starting to accept that I can’t do anything to help him or to change our relationship until he engages with it. It is a struggle, my mum was always sick when I was a child and I have known for some time that that affected me. I thought I had dealt with it, but life’s events have shown me differently! I still want to make him better, even when it practically breaks me to try. I like the idea that you work with these steps daily, and that there isn’t a point at which you or anyone else is ‘fixed’ – you just keep trying your best each day. And I am going to try really really hard to accept where I have no power. To face the fears that make me desperate to fix things, and to focus on myself. I have no power over him, or anyone, to change; I can only stick to my own healthy ground rules. Is that the difference between love and codependency? I would like to help others, but it has to be on the basis that they engage with it and respect me. Not at any cost.
A few weeks ago my husband said that I was an enabler. I admitted that I had been when I was in denial that he had a problem. I finally came to terms with his addiction over six months ago and I have not ever backed down from that position (and have not enabled his addiction).
Yesterday he told me that because he has essentially (except for a few times) been alcohol free for a few months, he now knows that he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He told me that he knows himself and there is no issue, it’s all in my head and it’s my issue.
My reaction was to try to gain control over the situation by telling him that he does have a problem and that he needs to talk to someone if he doesn’t believe me. He’s been deceitful to me several times over alcohol and drug related issues and I questioned whether or not he was being honest about a discussion he had with his psychiatrist. Obviously I haven’t yet realized that I’m powerless over alcohol.
He left the house and I haven’t heard from him since other than him texting me to leave him alone. This is very painful and I’m not sure that I want to have this drama and hurt in my life. We have a baby and if not for her, I wouldn’t even be trying and I have to wonder if it would be better for her for me not to try anymore.
I want to say to him that he either needs to enter the program or I won’t continue in the marriage, but that feels like I’m trying to control him and the situation. It’s like an ultimatum for him to conform to my wishes.
If he had cancer, I’d be by his side, because he’s an alcoholic, I want to leave. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong.
I find myself with the need of a meeting today, i broke up with my fiance. it was my decision i finally got strong and did it. my heart is broken.
i wanted to read and try to understand the first step because i know it will help right know. i have no power in my ex’s behavior, he is the only one that can change and make his life better so we can be together again.
i know that i have no power over this situation but i have power over my own happiness, i wish my happiness is with him and together but without my recovery and his willingness of change and get better and brake old patterns we can not be together.
i love him so much, and is my time to get well, get help and broke old and bad habits too.
i want to be with him so badly, but i can not be with him if he still breaking my boundaries.
thanks
When I went to my first meeting, I knew alcohol was a problem,but not for Me. It was a problem for my husband. I Had quit drinking. I had a hard time viewing any of the many problems we had, as My problems, or Me needing help. I saw it all as His problem, & Him causing all the disruption in our home. I called him my 4th child, & the worst one. He certainly was not acting like a responsible adult.
But as I listened to the al-anon members, I felt a kinship with them, & was surprised that so many others were having the same scenaio at home, that I had.
I kept going each week, & started learning some ways to handle the alcoholic, with firmness,and in a civil tone, rather than yelling. I learned more & more, & finally was coaxed into taking the first step, & then the 2d step.
My participation in alanon did not stop my husband from drinking, but it sure helped me. I gained some confidence, & a little peace inside. Bit by bit, I learned from other’s experiences, and found some hope, and some strength to put limits on what I would tolerate. My life became much more managable.
step one is the only step i can fully assent to. i can readily admit i am powerless over substances and my life has become unmanageable. i could not control my mother’s abuse of valium and librium and me. i could not control my ex’s addiction to rage and use of it to bully me and his children. and in the aftermath, long after both have been removed from my life, my life is unmanageable in it’s residual pain.
i cannot assent to the rest of the steps. i do not (yet?) believe any power beyond me can restore me to sanity, or that such a power would ever want to do so. i can readily make a list of my character defects but cannot say i would ever give up these needed defenses nor that HP would help remove them. and so on.
but simply on the power of step one, i can begin my work and just keep coming back. it is a good thing for me that al anon doesn’t require any more hope or faith than that.
I am married to the most loving, sweet and caring man, not only is he my husband, he is my very best friend. We have been married 13 years, in which I have tried to help my husband with his drinking by lying for him, hidding things from my family and friends, and I now realize that I have done nothing but enable him. My husband recently got his 3rd DWI, and I have told him that if he ever got another one that I would leave him. I did recently leave him, but I am still there for him, only by phone. It is tearing me apart inside, I still love him so very much. I have to remind myself everyday that I now have to take care of myself emotionally and physically. I have told him that I will be there by phone to help encourage him, but this time arround it is up to him to get the help that he needs, I can not do it for him, and I am not his entire support team, he needs AA. I was recently told that he has to hit rock bottom before he will get serious about picking himself up, putting himself back together and getting the help that he really needs from AA. I love him with all my heart, I pray for him to find the strength do accomplish what he needs to do, but I can no longer subject myself, my grown children, my grandchildren, and my family to this. Anyone reading this, please pray for my husband and my family, as well as I will for you and yours.
I have really appreciated the Alanon podcasts. I am a recovering alcoholic and sober for over 30 years. I attended Alanon for a while at the beginning. More recently a loved one has had several traumatic events as the result of alcohol. I retired from my job and have proceeded to take all the controlling behaviors back! I have been attending meetings and listen to the podcasts to remind me of my program. Thank you!
I had not really thought about my life as being unmanageable. For years and in another relationship I was the sole bread winner of the family, my husband at the time worked when he could, but had a bad back. He quit drinking when he was diagnosed with diabetes, so in my mind he must not be an alcoholic if he can stop drinking. My life was never unmanageable because I somehow managed it all. Working full-time, taking care of the house, shopping, laundry, everything. It did not become unmanageable until I made the decision to file for divorce. The reasons are many, but I realize it has been unmanageable because of the guilt I feel for ending the marriage. I could not stay. There was constant arguing when we did talk. I had to walk on egg shells so anything I said would not bruise his ego. My bedroom became my dungeon when he moved into the living room. I didn’t find out that even when a person stops drinking, they are still an alcoholic until I met my current boyfriend. He has been sober for 28 years and stopped his program several years ago. He knows the program works, and well I imagine that he thinks he knows it all. He is the one that made me realize I needed al-anon. I fought going to a meeting for a long time, and at my first meeting I realized that what everyone was saying, described me and my feelings perfectly. I am unmanageable. There are feelings inside me that I need to work out with myself. I have no self esteem issues, but I do have security issues if that makes sense. I have come to look forward to my meetings and hearing other’s stories of courage of getting through tough feelings and emotional battles. I know I will heal, and I know my life will be manageable again. My biggest lesson is that I have no control over others, only me.
My wife doesn’t have an off switch when the party gets going. I feel like I have to babysit her to let her know that she should switch to water. There have been many occasions where the alcohol has affected her behavior which is painful for me and our kids. Falling off chairs, can’t make it into the house on her own after girls night out, those kind of things. She gets this extra energy when she drinks and becomes social with anyone within 3 ft. Her engaging in conversation with complete strangers in the wrong enviroment is very hurtful. I talked with her recently to let her know how her intoxicated behavior has made me feel over the last 20 yrs which led to a 2week fight. We recently went to a ballgame with our son and his friend and my wife had to much to drink. She disapeared for 3 innings and my son was asking where Mom was and I told him I didn’t know. She was at the bar engaging in conversation with a bunch of men. She said she wasn’t trying to hurt me and that she gets a little to social when she has to much to drink. We agreed prior to meet at a very spot after the bathroom break and she never showed and denied any agreement. I feel like she has to have a babysitter on hand to watch over her or something could happen that I can’t control. Now her friend wants her to go to Las Vegas for 3 days to celebrate her friends 40 Birthday.
I’ve done Alanon for my grown daughter and it helped me finally see that having her in my house was not helping her OR me, and asking her to leave was the best thing to do. She now has over one year of sobriety, but it has been a long and tough road for her (and me.)
What I was blind to, or couldn’t let myself see, was my husband gradually going from a cocktail at the end of the day to “relax with” to a very real and growing problem drinker. For the last year, it had become “normal” for me to expect that he would start out jovially, then as the level in the vodka bottle fell, move to anger that I didn’t love him enough, that I was selfish, to maudlin self pity and nobody ever loved him, etc until he finally passed out on the couch and I just left him there and went up to bed alone. I didn’t dare wake him because I knew he would just drink some more.
A car accident that he had while drinking finally pushed him into AA. Yesterday he picked up his 30-day chip. He seems to be really working the program, although he’s been talking about doing the fourth step for quite a few days and so far has only bought notebooks for it. I think he dreads it. I know, I KNOW, it’s none of my business. It’s his business, but I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Step one is hard, because the illusion of having control has been with me for so long. No, it didn’t work for me, but at least it felt like I was trying to do something to help him. Now I know I wasn’t helping him at all when I begged and nagged. thank y’all for letting me say all this.
So I have been in and out of Al Anon, Al Ateen, etc for about 8 years now, but I have never more than I do now wished to completely throw myself in and douse myself in the program. I have 2 boys under 2 years old (7 mos and 18 months… yes 11 months apart and NO I do not recommend that on anyone; ) and they are hard workers at keeping me on my feet. I work as full time as I can and have an alcoholic husband who has 5 years of recovery under his little belt <3 Basically, at the most EVENTFUL, STRESSFUL, and BUSY time in my life, I need this program most. but BECAUSE it is so eventful, stressful and busy it makes it that more difficult to really sit down, give my SELF some time and work these steps. I have to say it's rather embarrassing going to meetings with one boy in my arms and the other running everywhere screaming at the top of his lungs. Recovery now that I REALLY REALLY want it is REALLY making me work for it.
I have no time to dread step 1. I know I will have to go through each and every one of my life experiences and connect them to my thinking errors that I live with today. It's gonna take a while and it'll hurt like mad. But as I said, I have no time to dread or avoid working through it all.
When I shared an extremely difficult memory of mine the other day at my home group, my sponsor told me to write about how this experience in particular has affected myself today and how has it made my life unmanageable. And at first, I thought, "wellll …. it hasn't really affected me that much, I mean I try not to think about it and that way I dont get upset," But as I started writing… I gave myself time to realize just how deeply embedded this experience is and how it explains why I panic and get extremely frustrated when my husband or mother or friend blows off what I'm saying to them. It explains why I feel I need to be thoroughly heard and understood.
When we speak, we think with just the surfaces of our minds, but when we write, we give ourselves tie to really dig deep and figure out just HOW our experiences have created the inability to manage our lives today.
I have so much to discover in this program and I hope that my perspective can help clarify for newcomers and even anybody at all that stumbles upon this.
- Elena
Always the first Step is difficult, no matter what are you adventure into, but after several year in Al Anon I discovery that there is no way up, no progress, no recovery what so ever, if I am not involve in my steps work.
It is a beatiful opportunity to see ^another me^ the one who loves sutil manipulation, light suffering and the one that is not ready to let it go, so I am taking all the Hope and Experience found in this sharing and start going ahead.
I’ve been resistant to this step in so many ways. Intellectually understanding this, but not feeling it inside. Accepting it in some situations, but not others. There’s never been a complete surrender.
One reason is that once I got to know my will, power, and willpower a bit in late adolescence as I got some freedom and my own identity, the idea of years later of willingly letting it go was so unappealing. Feeling like I had any power or autonomy was still new to me, I had known it less than half my life. So for me, really letting go and detaching is something at a core level I connect with being helpless, not powerless and supported by a power of my understanding–and that surpasses my understanding. I can’t disconnect my Higher Power from other people I made my higher power.
Plus, I still get confused. If I act out with controlling behaviors, sometimes I do see this influence another’s behavior. It’s not healthy, and spiritually drains me–but seeing that concrete result it’s difficult to understand how to let HP in the equation. Two weeks ago I saw my mentally ill father was neglecting his dog. I insisted he get her poor grooming corrected because of her discomfort. In the interim, I was too busy at work (draining, but a gift from HP) and I wanted to call the dog’s vet and tell them to set something up and superficially prayed. I found out today he did take her–he’s still barely functional, but could do it. The behavior from the “defect” place–nagging and worrying–in all areas will hopefully diminish as prayer and detachment increase, but it is a slow shift.
Thanks to everyone for sharing, and for the newcomers for their inspiring courage.
I have started attending meetingd reading C to C OD@T- they speak of compassion towards someone with this illness, something I had lost as I became affected by the family disease. I would like to hear some expereinces as to how people differentiate between compassion and enableing. Example, if someone wants to actively drink in front of us, what are some of the different was of dealing with this? It upsets me to watch them become progressively more drunk. How do I ‘let go’ and be compassionate, while at the same time not send the message that I am ok with it?
Unfortunately there is not a local meeting place for Al-Anon where I am. My husband drinks every evening of his life until he falls asleep. If we go anywhere I have to drive because he has already had two DUI’s and it is a fact that he will drink. Last night, I was gone for the evening and he stopped at the bar before he came home. I really just don’t know how much more I can handle. He truly does not believe that he has a problem and that I am just “carrying on” when I say anything. At this point, I just do a lot of praying and, I suppose, a lot of denying. Until I found this website today, I really thought I was the only one going through this.
I just recently went to my first Al-Anon meeting, and it was amazing. There are other people out there just like me. I lost myself along the way sometime, dealing with my husbands drinking. I’m not the only one who feels like that. we are seperated right now, and i think all of the decisions that were made were based on negetive things. I know I love him and hope he does the right things. But i do know now, I can’ t control what he does. I have me and our beautiful daughter to think about. Hopefully things will work out. Im just glad there are other people out there like me who are going through the same thing. And just trying to live one day at a time.
Victoria,
I totally relate! My husband can be good all week then come Fri he starts drinking like theres no tomorrrow, he can”t stop at 3 or 4. Sometimes he”ll have 10 beers on a fFri and 10 or more on a Sat night then if he has any left on Sun he”ll finish the rest. When we are invited out anywhere it”s on my mind that he’s always the first one to get drunk and he is, thats when the arguing starts. He’s left me on many occasions on a night out with friends, just gets up and leaves sometimes I don”t even know he’s gone. It”s like he gets to a certain stage of his drinking that he hates the world or something and leaves.I find him home when I get home in bed passed out. Summer time is worse cause during the days on the weekend he”ll drink beer in the hot sun and by evening he”s done,passed out in bed and I’m left alone. I don”t know what to do. It’s affecting how I feel about him now after 23 years married,I thinl I finally had enough. Whats your thoughts?
I think that I might need to come to Al-Anon. My husband does not drink every day and he could go for ages without drinking. In fact his problem is whenever he drinks socially, he has no ”off switch”. He never recognises when he’s had enough to drink, and I find myself constantly feeling anxious and worried about any upcoming social events. I feel like I have to moderate and keep tabs on what he drinks, and constantly look after him when we’re out. Does this register with anyone? I don’t know if I should come, all I know is it doesn’t feel right, and I find myself crying and worrying that I’ll find him (like I’ve done in the past) at the side of the road, too drunk to walk. He’s a grown man, and I know I have no control over the situation, but being honest, I have no idea how to deal with the anxiety I feel. Help I think is needed.
When I met my boyfriend of 8 months, he was full swing into recovery. He was living in a sober living house and going to meetings every day. I don’t think I was prepared to realize that this would not be how it always was. He came clean to me and his family a few days ago and admited that he had been using again. I removed him from his home town and brought him to my apartment after he said he wanted to get clean, thinking it would work. Since he has been here, things have gotten bad. He is having a a hard time overcoming this, and I find myself trying to do this for him. When we began dating my mom talked to me about Al-Anon meetings to focus on myself and not let myself get lost in his addiction. I never felt I needed it until now. I love him with all my heart and want him to get back to the person that I fell in love with, but I have to realize that just because I want this for him does not mean he wants this for himself. Hearing this first step has really hit home with me. I have no power in this situation, he has to be the one who fights this. I’m finally realizing that I have to seperate myself from his addiction, and worry about myself. I can’t make him do this, he has to make himself.
The steps I have drilled into my head but my issue is why do I keep allowing people that need to be fixed into my life. I am starting to think there is something wrong with me. Addicts will change when they get ready to change as I have first had experience in that, but now I need to quite worrying about other people and take care of me. I know I can’t control the addict but I can control my life and what happens around me and I have dealt with this for two years and when is enough enough. I have some major decisions to make this next week and I am seeking direction from my God, now I just need the strength to follow through and face the facts. If he doesn’t want to get clean then that is up to him but I can make a decision not to have to deal with it any longer. I can decide to change things in my life that work for me and if is no longer a part of that then so be it. I guess I am a bit resentful right now because its fine if a person wants to mess their life up, I can’t control that but don’t take the people that you say you care about down with you. I guess that is where I need to be strong in whatever decision I make.
I don’t think I can handle this anymore. This addictive behavior is driving me crazy and everytime he goes off the deep end he takes my car for days and I have no way for me or my son to get around. I am so tired of this and don’t know what to do. I am a recovering addict now for over 20 years and yet I can’t stop this merry go round with my boyfriend. I just don’t know what to do or where to go to get advice.
Step 1 of the 12 Steps for addicts and alcoholics (AA and NA) has always been a step that I disagreed with. The part about unmanageable makes sense, but not powerless. Alcoholics and Addicts are not powerless. If that were true they would never get sober. They have the power to decide to stop using. Recovering individuals demonstrate the power of decision every day. The word powerless for addicts and alcoholics is a “crutch” and gives way to the “poor me syndrome”.
“Powerless”, when applied to the Al-Anon group of people or the family and friends of addicts and alcoholics, is absolutely on point. As a family member of an alcoholic or addict, one is “powerless” over the addiction and one’s life can be come unmanageable due to the chaos of addiction and the relationship and dynamics of addiction.
So when I think of Step 1, as it applies to me as the family member of an alcoholic and addict, it gives me great relief to finally acknowledge that I am powerless over the addict’s behavior and decision to remain in active addiction. I am (however) possessing the power to make the decision to change my behavior as it relates to my family member’s addiction. It is a commitment to my self to “let go” of a perceived responsibility, my involvement or effort to help the addict. An addict will only seek help when he/she is ready. The addict has the “power” to decide to do something different and it is that simple.
There is no magic wand or cure-all drug that will cause an addict to resist drugs or alcohol. It is merely the decision to stop. We can say things like stop the insanity, stop the chaos, hit rock bottom, or what ever one-liner we can think of but it comes down to the simplicity of deciding to stop the cycle of addiction for the addict. It is just as simplistic for the family member to decide to stop the cycle too. It might be complicated and messy, but it can be done. Mentally separating oneself from the addict’s addiction, severing yourself from the responsibility of your loved one’s addiction by admitting your life has become unmanageable and you are powerless over your loved one’s addiction is a first step.
I’m a NewComer to Al-Anon. Early this week I had to take my husband to a treatment center. This was the most difficule thing I ever had to face. But I know it was necessary.
I’m still trying to get some understanding how Al-Anon work. I’ve been to two meeting.
It was so scary for me. I’m a very shy and private person it’s hard to talk about my problems with strangers without getting so emotional. I really want to be part of a support group, so please pray that I find a group home and a sponsor.
Thank you
In desparate need of an Al Anon meeting today and really hoping to reconnect with an Al Anon group. Many years ago, I accepted my powerlessness and have been in an out of Al Anon. I think today I have realized that I must stayed connected if I ever hope to maintain any type of serenity in my life. Even knowing that we are powerless over the alcoholics in our lives, without a support group, life is way to hard when you love an alcoholic. I am feeling the depression deeply today as my son decided to get drunk again last night and I worry so much about the babies. Please pray for me that I will get myself a home group and sponsor and stay connected to the program.
I am working the steps – and this one has been the hardest because I want to fix and control my husband and others. Admitting that I am powerless is something I do – but then I want to take it back. And I think – well I will just try to make it better. Our lives has slipped into blame, lies – and neither of those things will work. But to be the person, God has called me to be, I need to not see others as the problem. That trying to control others is making life crazy – unmanageable. It’s hard to stop controlling, fixing – but when I do – things free up – I free up. And start thinking of how to start caring for me.
Funny thing happened at a step one meeting the other day. I was writing out the topic of the meeting – and I accidentally wrote “Admitted were were powerless over alcohol, that our lies had become unmanageable.”
Not just a coincidence that I had written the word LIES instead of lives. I have slipped back into an old pattern of behavior with my husband, that I used to do with my ex. When a question is asked in anger I revert back to an automatic lie to “protect” myself. I don’t need to protect myself from this man. I need to learn to deal with old fears and old patterns of behavior and put them to rest.
Today I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. I was scared and very emotional. I entered the door and it was a very so real feeling that came over me, that WOW I am really here ready to face a new step in making my life about me and changing what I can change and having the courage to to admitt that. For years I have always saw myself as the one who fixed everything and handled it all,now I am facing the fact that I can not fix thoses with the addition and that I now have to focus on me. It was a very overwhelming 1hr in mylife, I am going back next week and I know that each day it will get better, I think one of the most overwhelming feelings was finally realizing that I am truly not alone..
Thank you