Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
115 comments
1. Any chance these will be transcribed?
I remember before I came to al-anon, feeling that it was my job to make sure that I kept my household running on an even keel. What an enormous job that was, especially living with an active alcoholic! I was on constant lookout for bottles, emotions, excuses, and was ready to blame everyone else for how miserable my life was. I was especially feeling so alone. No one else could possibly understand what my life was like. Then it was “suggested” that I go to al-anon. Great I thought, I can learn how to make my alcoholic stop drinking. I know now that I am not so different from those many newcomers who walk through the doors.
I had to confront my own powerlessness. It was a relief to learn that I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it and I can’t cure it. I can only learn to take care of myself. No more wasted energy doing that same old dance. I had never known that I had choices, that I didn’t have to participate in all the same old dances and scenarios. I could go for a walk, take in a movie, go for a coffee, go to a meeting!
My life is so different now. I only change what is mine to change…what I think, say and do!
Being powerless over alcohol (according to Step 1) has changed over time for me. Originally I understood this as being powerless over the effects alcohol, and the alcoholic, were having in my life right now. And it was extremely helpful to find a way out of the despair and the fear.
Now, after many years, I continue to work Step 1 and spiritual insights keep happening! Recently it has occurred to me, at the deepest levels, that I’m powerless over alcohol. Period. That the reason I’m not an alcoholic is not because I’m good, or have willpower, its just that I’m lucky. And I’m just as powerless over alcohol as someone who is an alcoholic. My ability to stop drinking before I destroy my life is simply a talent, a gift. Not a power.
This puts me squarely in the boat of my fellow human beings. Like every other human being I have responsibilities and I have abilities. But, also like my fellows, I’m not “powerful” over certain things — even if it looks like that from the outside. And it is a huge spiritual awakening for me to realize that.
It is in this spiritual place that I can let go of the judgments, the fears, the obsession with “being right.”
Without the alcoholics in my life, whose struggles with sobriety brought me into Al-Anon, I may have gone through my WHOLE life imagining myself as this powerful person, able to leap tall buildings and withstand bullets. Instead, I now understand that I’m a capable and responsible fellow human being, living in a world with others who are – like me – trying to do the best they can.
What a gift!
The HUGE lesson for me is that I am powerless over you and what you think of me. I continue to have to work at this, but it is such a gift to remember (most of the time) that, as Cindy so eloquently stated, I have good features and bad features, but they’re just there – they don’t invest me with power.
It was difficult at first to understand that I had no control over the alcoholic in my life. I had tried hard to get him to quit drinking and do what I thought he was supposed to do and then I came to Al-Anon and you told me I was powerless and my life was unmanageable. My first reaction was “not me, I have control over the situations in my life and I am managing… I just have off days.” I was living in complete denial. When I realized that I had to stop trying to control him and other situations I finally felt a sense of relief – like weight was lifted off my shoulders. For the first time I was able to breathe. It was such a gift for me to finally say “its not my responsibility for what he does and I have no control over the outcome… the only thing I am responsible for is me and how I react.” I did not cause him to drink, I can’t control his drinking and his actions, and I cannot cure him from his disease. I have my own disease or ism’s I need to tend to.
Today, I use this step daily, several times a day for everything that comes my way. I am powerless over people, places, and things. I am grateful to Al-Anon for helping me see there is a better way to live.
I was drowning in a sea of alcohol and craziness, hurting, hopeless. And it was still hard for me to accept the idea of powerlessness. I was a great example of the untreated Al-Anon behaving in ways more far out and unbelievable than the Alcoholic who had an excuse! The alcoholic was intoxicated. I was also intoxicated with delusions of power and control. I would fix the alcoholic. I hadn’t found the right combination of tricks yet. As I worked this step, and listened to long timers I came to believe that I only can change myself, and that requires some help! My life was unmanageable. I was managing the Alcoholic’s life. Paying the bills, making the excuses, bailing him out of jail, always believing this would be the last time. pouring out the liquor, rationing it, shaming, blaming…Today on wakening I say “Thank you for this new day. All power is yours, God of my Understanding. Lead me.” I think, pray, make what I believe are good choices for MY life. I breathe rather than react. I do not try to manage any thing or anyone. My sponsor and the group believed in the program, and still walk me through it. I am no longer afraid. The alcoholic in my life stopped drinking after 5 years. When it happened it was an anti-climax. I already had a great life going…my life. Al-Anon works.
Over the years I have had many alcoholics in my life. I”am married to my third alcoholic, but he stopped 13 years ago. I also have a daughter that is a alcoholic and she is the main reason I came to al-anon. But thanks to al-anon I have learned how to deal with it. I have always been a person that had to control everything in my life, it was hard to stop, but with the meetings and books I”am doing a much better. I now know I”am powerless over alcoholic and God is here for me and helps me each day. I take it one day at a time and don’t have to get everything done in one day. I will always believe in Al-Anon it has done wonders for me and I love it. Thanks to everyone that shares
This is my first time in entering in this web, I have been married to an alcoholic for seven years and I got to the point of the desperation of the disconsolation, frustration, depression, I have a daughter who is thirteen that looks and feels the problem, I don’t know how to help her, I go to bed crying every night, very upset, with me, with my husband, without knowing what to do. Our economic situation was always excellent, he had a great company, but now he is unwilling to work, he stays at home all day watching TV and drinking, he tells me that he worked too much and that is time for him to rest, we never talk, when I try to talk he becomes angry, he goes to bed very early without saying goodnight, we almost never have sex, (or never)
I feel that I can’t live because I have two daughters and I don’t know how to support them, I live in south America now and I am not working (since never work before), I am 34 years old and I feel that I lost half of my life. I used to be happy, joyful, go out and look very nice… I liked. Now am I feel so old, unhappy, I have no friends and my family… well! I would like to go very, very far with my two daughters, (maybe go back to the US) even if my husband constantly threatens me when I say that I would like to leave, I love him but I don’t want to live with him anymore. I regret that I never worked before, I will get a job soon and I hope to be able to leave then….
What a wonderful feeling I found in knowing that I am not alone in this terrible disease of alcoholism. Returning to Al-anon and studying the steps is a breath of fresh air. Step one releases me to find myself again, to enjoy my life and not focus on my alcoholic. My life was unmanageable a year ago, filled with anxieties and fears and desperation. Step one gave me my life back. I no longer feel like I need to “fix” my alcoholic. I attend 4-5 meetings a week and read the daily readers. I no longer look for the bottle to empty or throw out, or provoke him into arguments that leave me in frustration. Al-Anon is a wonderful program, I have discovered ME all over again. I enjoyed the pod cast on Step 1 and looking forward to hearing the other 11.
When I came into the program and stopped long enough, it was easy to see and admit that my life ” had become unmanageable”. It took me a LONG time to realize the depth of my powerlessness.
At first, I thought the powerlessness was just over the alcoholic/addict. The more meetings I went to, the more literature I read and then, working the steps with my sponsor – I realized my powerlessness was entwinged though my entire life! This didn’t sit well with me for a while.
What helped me was the tool of detachment. It was described to me like this -
Watching fireworks from a distance, is detachment; setting the fireworks off is not!
With Step 1 came the freedom to focus on me instead of the power struggle I had with all the people in my life. Once I gave up that, with detachment, I could show my life in a special way without interference on my part. This step has given me the freedom to learn who I am and where I want to be.
I didn’t come to Al-Anon to make someone quit drinking, I came because my life was in the toilet and I wanted to know what I could do about it. I didn’t know why my life was unmanageable, I just wanted to “fix” it. I fit the description of insanity perfectly, I kept doing the same things over and over expecting different results. I was on my third alcoholic marriage and couldn’t figure out why nothing seemed to change. Denial, rationalization and justification were my constant companions.
I told the women at my first meeting that if they would just give me a list of things to do, I could fix the problem and get on with my life. I can follow directions, just show me what to do. They said, “Here are 12 Steps and 12 Traditions. Work these and your life will change.” I thought, “Boy, there’s nothing to this, I can have this fixed in a week or so.”
Today I know that the Steps are written in the order they are for a reason. Until I admit that I have no control over anyone or anything but myself, and keep my hands off things that are not my concern, my life will continue to be unmanageable. I can’t go forward until this is in my heart as well as in my head.
It is now almost 26 years since I walked into that first Al-Anon meeting, and every day I thank my Higher Power that He didn’t let me “fix” it in a week or so. Because I learned that I am powerless over everything and everybody but me and my thoughts and actions, I have been given the “priceless gift of serenity.”
I was told that the short version of the 12 Steps is: Trust God, Clean House, Help Others and Mind Your Own Business. As long as I do these things I remember who is really in charge and my life stays sane and manageable.
Like so many others, I came to Al-Anon to learn how to help my alcoholic. I had grown up in an alcoholic home and was on my third alcoholic relationship in a row. This time I’d gotten an active drinker who had tried AA but hated going to the meetings. I just knew I had a part to play in his recovery.
I quickly learned that someone else’s drinking isn’t my business, but when I realized that Al-Anon recovery would involve ME working the 12 steps, I was flabbergasted. I wasn’t the one with the drinking problem. I could drink and sometimes really enjoyed a drink or two. I had no problem controlling alcohol.
I eventually adopted the interpretation of Step One that went something like “I admitted that I was powerless over other people, institutions, places, and events.” After some time attending meetings and starting my work through the steps I heard something that helped me understand Step One as it affected my life. Someone in a meeting said that they realized that they were able to drink but were powerless over that same alcohol when it was poured into another person.
Now I really understand how Step One applies to me in the most literal sense. I AM powerless over alcohol, the alcoholic, his behavior, anyone else’s behavior, and really anything other than my own behavior.
A final note: A member I really respect said that if you take a drink of alcohol and your behavior changes, you might be an alcoholic. If someone else takes a drink of alcohol and your behavior changes, you might need Al-Anon. Sharings like that help me remember Step One and to take it to heart often, sometimes more than once a day.
Coming into Al anon was easy for me. I was looking for help with irrational behaviour of a loved one casued by drinking. I knew I was powerless over alcohol but I could not see that my life was unmanagable. I certainly could feel it!! I was the one making the decisions and then being blamed for the outcomes as the alcoholic was making the decision not to make a decision.
However many seasoned members were very astute to tell me that I was at the meeting for myself and “keep coming back.” I wanted help not “keep coming back” repsonses. Overtime and listening to others stories, strengths and hopes, reading CAL literature, attending meetings, conferences etc I soon saw the benefit of the program. Step one is the cornerstone or foundation of my recovery from the disease that caused so much dis ease in my life. Even today I need the reminder to admit my powerlessness over people, places and things as I have a tendency to get busy and forget what this program has brought me. HOPE – Holding onto Peace Everday and to live my life one day at a time with the help of the wonderful worldwide fellowship of Al anon
Step one has taught me that we are powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic. Therefore we need to stop forcing solutions and relying on our self will to control the situation. Further steps have shown me clearly that we need to turn our will and lives over to a higher power. There is no way, we as humans, can achieve serenity, contentment, and peace without the guidance of our higher power. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” With the help of the steps and my higher power I will focus on my own behavior and attitudes for my own personal growth and recovery.
I’m coming to see the Steps as a ladder.
I’m sloshing and crawling through a foul-smelling, slimy swamp of insanity, and I can’t see that I’m getting anywhere, because everywhere I turn, it all looks and feels the same.
Suddenly I see a clearing ahead, and in the middle, a ladder, standing securely upright. I struggle to the base of it, where I see a little sign that says, “If you want to get to a better place, climb the ladder.”
So I step on the first rung of the ladder. There beside me is another little sign that says, “Admit that your life is a disaster.” So I admit it the reality of my situation; and when I have done that, I notice another sign a little above the first one that simply says, “Go farther.”
That’s how I get to Step One and beyond.
The word “admitted” means “to let in”. The highest hurdle for me was to let in another person. I didn’t want to admit how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become! Denial was comfortable and familiar to me – a security blanket of denial. It was a challenge for me to see MY part in how unmanageable my life was – so much easier to blame the alcoholic! Surrendering had negative connotations to me. Al-Anon helped me re-define words. I found that when I surrendered, I won and that a problem shared was a problem cut in half. It took me a long time before I could talk in a meeting or share with another member, but listening allowed me to circle the sandbox and build trust. I witnessed unconditional love as I listened to the loving interchange. I was drawn to the smiles and the laughter. No one asked where I lived, what I did for a living or who I was living with. The group encouraged me to buy Al-Anon literature instead of placing money in the basket. I was given phone numbers with the reassurance that these phones worked 24 hours a day. Accepting that first word (we) of the first Step, opened windows for me, and allowed a breeze of fresh air to drift into my house.
Today, I recognize the presence of alcoholism, rearing its ugly head, when I doubt my reality and my self esteem plummets. As long as there is a breath in me, I am affected by the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon offers me a program that helps me choose the path that enhances my self esteem and view the world as it is, not as I would have it be.
Step one has helped me to realize that I am powerless over people, places and things. It has given me the freedom to live my life and put the focus back on me. I am free from the daily chore of trying to run, fix and figure out my alcoholic’s life.
I let go and let God……daily.
My first meeting in Al-Anon was June 14, 2007. I will always be greatful to the high school guidance counselor who recommended I go. I was desperate to do anything to get my daughter to stop drinking, and had been in denial for six years because my ex-husband was an alcoholic and I could not believe that life could be so unfair as to really give me two alcoholics in my life. A devastating car crash was my wake up call, but the drama and trauma had been going on for years.
I don’t remember what was said at that first meeting, but I remember the peace and serenity that other members had and I wanted that. After the initial disappointment of realizing I was not going to be told how to fix my daughter, for the first time I looked at focusing on my life. I had spent over 20 years working so hard to make everything look good on the outside, but I was a total mess on the inside.
My life is totally different today. Totally. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, go to meetings when I can, read the daily readers every morning, participate in an online TStep group, and have collected many CDs and cassettes of Al-Anon speakers. The tools of the Al-Anon program are amazing, and are always available to me. I just have to use them. I have peace and serenity on a daily basis. It was a rare occurence prior to joining Al-Anon. When I want to experience unconditional love, and have a safe place to share, all I have to do is go to a meeting.
When I start feeling fear and my life seems out of control, I go right back to Step 1. I am powerless. My life is unmanageable. And when I let it go, I get everything: an incredible relationship with my Higher Power, freedom to focus on my own life, peace and serenity.
I just had a wonderful visit with my daughter over Christmas break. She has not chosen recovery and is still active. And that’s her choice. She has her own Higher Power. Once I got out of her life, and focused on my own, I learned to love and cherish her for the beautiful person she is, who happens to have a disease. We have a relationship today that I never would of dreamed was possible. And I learned that the only thing fair in life is the one that comes here once a year in September.
I did the steps before and now I need to do them again. Now that I don’t have and active alcoholic in my life other things are making my life crazy. I spoke with my sponsor and I asked her to help me with the steps again. I started reading Path to Recovery Firt Step. How true it is . I did not caused, I can not cured or control it. I CAN ONLY CONTROL AND CURE MYSELF.
I didn’t believe in God when I began the steps, but I did realize I was powerless, which implied that “I” was not God. I was not omnipotent or omniscient.
It was a great relief not to have to be “God.” I could just be myself and not cure, heal or control the world and my significant others.
I also realized my life was unmanageable; I needed help; I could not sanely survive alone. Those realizations, inherent to Step 1, were more than enough to get started in Al-Anon. The rest would come one day at a time.
I’m so glad that it’s January and time to ‘do’ Step 1 again. I’ve been around this wonderful fellowship for a few years now, but I can still ‘forget’ step 1 and then again my life spirals into unmanageability.
Re-aquainting myself with the principles of the first 3 steps allows me to remember that powerlessness does not mean helplessness, and my HP is always there with the power I need, and that I only have to ask for guidance.
I have been struggling with a decision that feels as though it is ‘needing’ to be made, but again I’m being reminded that all I can do is find and evaluate all the info I need to make that decision, take a tiny step in that direction, then trust my HP with the outcome.
I have been given so many gifts since I began my recovery from the effects of living with an alcoholic, and service to Al-Anon has and does play a big part in my life; finding this ‘blog’ is my nicest present so far in 2010!
What a great asset to Al-anon, a podcast and blog! I listened and thought the podcast was very clear, and those that shared their experience, strength and hope were encouraging. I’ve been working on my powerlessness and detaching. I’m living with a sober alcoholic (thank my HP) but it is so easy to get caught up in someone else’s bad mood. It’s nice to know I can access this and listen to voice of reason even when I can’t make a call during work time. Thank you for this resource!
5 years ago my life was unmanageable because I, well into adulthood, was obsessed with all the things my mother said about me not being what a daughter should be, which were aggressively said (shouted/screamed) in response to me setting boundaries. I finally went to my first meeting when I could not control my ability to take what my mother said to me personally and I surrendered to the unbearable pain and obsession. I accepted that I had to do something besides everything else I ever tried–therapy, self help, spirituality. I still do those things, but all in support of my 12 step Al-Anon recovery.
The outbursts, large and small, may be a drug addiction and borderline personality talking, but it still does hurt. A day at a time I know it’s possible to detach and not take it personally. This first step helps me accept myself–I’m powerless over a person’s disease, and how they treat me as a result of that disease, and I’m powerless over feeling hurt by what they say. My life has become more manageable by using the tools of the program and detaching more from my family. I can “go where it’s warm” and I appreciate that meetings are a safe space where people love me “in a very special way” whether it’s my first or hundredth meeting. I cherish being told I don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior.
I’m powerless over every aspect of my life, and am addicted to the illusion of control, probably a habit picked up from feeling like there were times when I could give my mother what she wanted and I felt safe, though it didn’t last. Now I have program friends and meetings that are much more reliable, and steps that ground me in reality not denial. I’ve written steps 1-3 in Paths to Recovery 3 times, and dabbled in the 4th step, and am now writing them again, hopefully I’ll do even more with step 4 and get into the subsequent steps for even deeper healing. I’m grateful to reflect on step one because being powerless not helpless, and powered by the care of a higher power that’s not a person, place, or thing, is still a new idea for me.
I am celebrating 32 years of participating in Al-Anon as of last month. No matter how long I’ve been in the program, I know I’ll never (and never plan to) graduate, and I keep coming back to Step One.
I am reminded of my own powerlessness over alcohol and other people when I talk to newcomers and potential members face-to-face or over the phone. Reaching out to new members reminds me of what it was like when I first showed up at an Al-Anon meeting and how powerless and unmanageable my life felt at the time.
When I hear newcomers express a desire to help the alcoholics in their lives, I tell them that they’re in the right place and to keep coming back. I need to keep coming back too, to meetings and to Step One. I have made lots of progress in my recovery, but I’m still powerless over other people and many things in my life, and I still need the fellowship to remind me of that and to help me Let Go and Let God.
I was married to an alcoholic for 16 years and lived a life of never knowing when I would be beat or blamed for something. Completely scared to breathe at times… I divorced him and attended al-anon and private counseling with my children off and on. It always seemed hard to fit al-anon meetings into my schedule due to the busy schedules my children’s activities held. Being able to “blog” with a group may work! I like this idea…and I truly need the program. After being divorced for about a year and a half reconciliation with the man I divorced seemed to be working. He had been sober for near two years and attending AA once a week plus private counseling with the children and I. I decided that I would not marry again which was probably smart on my part. Recently, after living with this man for four years the last two being back to the same. He does not drink nor does he beat me but the emotional abuse is alive and lurking in every corner. I found out about two weeks ago that he has secretly been having a relationship with two other women. That which has brought me here. I need to find my serenity again! Thank God for Al-Anon.
I am very happy to find this blog. I have once again been reminded of the principles or the firststep, a I had drifted back into managing and this reminded me of my powerlessness, but my life could be managble again if I remember to practice this in my daily innereactions with all my circle of relations as while as the alcholic.
Thanks for this wonderful addition to the resources available to all who are endeavoring to work the steps and living them daily in our lives.
I enjoyed the podcast comments as while. I look forward to hearing the next step!
Just moved out of my house away from my wife. She refuses to get help. I know I can’t help her but hope that she would for herself. I love her so very much and hope for the best. Plan on going to a newcomers meeting on Wednesday.
Since 2006 I’ve had the opportunity to attend an Al-Anon Step Study group using “Paths to Recovery”. So this year’s Blog focus on the Steps will be so supportive to my study at our weekly meetings. And I have found that this ongoing review is so important to both the growth and the stability of my Al-Anon recovery program.
My admission of powerlessness came over 26 years ago when I had taken my father for his second go around with detox. The culmination of a life-time enmeshed in a constant battle with excessive alcohol use by so many members of my childhood family. I finally hit my bottom. They were not going to change by anything I would or could do. I had to take my focus off of them and take care of me. Something I thought I was doing by taking care of them. But it was not working now and had not worked for so many years past.
I was so traumatized by their behavior that at my first Al-Anon meetings I was so uncomfortable listening to individuals share about their marriage to an alcoholics. The fears and desire to control and tell them what to do was overwhelming. My HP led me to Al-Anon ACOA. I was finally in a room with my brothers and sisters who knew what it was to grow up with this horrid disease and all the heart-ache that comes with it.
My journey of recovery started. The path to recovery starts in this humble way. On our knees – defeated, – at our wits end. The gift of recovery is the loving and caring interchange among Al-Anon members. Through our fellowship, bound by the language of alcoholism and finally freed by the language of hope and recovery, we start to learn in Al-Anon. WE admitted. WE are powerless. WE find our life unmanageable. Looking at and understand this reality opens the door for willingness, acceptance, and hope. So much ahead – thank God we take it one day at a time.
So another great benefit of our Al-Anon study groups is the sharing of newcomers. They have the power to remind me of my roots, and why I came to Al-Anon so many years ago. Last week a member of AA, an elderly woman – newly sobriety, and so confused by what to do about her husband who continues to drink. “Do I tell him not to drink near me?” “Do I tell him about AA?” “Do I leave the room, and how do we make a life like this – we were so comfortable drinking together before.” And that very day – January 12th – in the “Courage to Change” were the words of Al-Anon giving her the guidance just as I had found when I was so confused about my father, his drinking, and his sobriety. Today I understand, and can step back and feel comfortable – the product of my growth in Al-Anon.
Our availability to members of AA is a gift. The fact that our Al-Anon groups meet in a fellowship club house, a critical outreach for our fellowship. Again our HP doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. And the First Step – we are powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable.
Please transcribe podcasts-love the previous blogs, and my computer’s sound card is broken. Thank you.
Dianne A,
Thank you so much for your wonderful words-I have been an Al-Anon member for a long time, and this blog helps me keep my program on track! Such wisdom!
I am a newcomer to Al-Anon but not to a 12-Step Program; having only joined in September!
I am currently working my step one and it is so liberating to learn that I had choices. I didn’t have to accept anyone’s inappropriate behaviors or how they treated me. I am learning that if I don’t want to be walked all over, I need to stop putting myself on the floor like a carpet. I cannot control what other people put into their bodies. Similarly, they cannot control what I put into mine. I can offer suggestions or make recommendations about what may be healthier or less dangerous to them but in the end, it is not my decision to make. I can only be accountable to myself and control what I choose to put into my body. If I choose to eat healthy with things like more grains, fruits and vegetables and less meat, that is something I choose to do and not something I can force upon anyone else. But, I can cook that way for others and if they don’t like it, then I can take those comments and not be offended but rather take them as advice about how to cook for the next time.
I cannot completely control another person’s behavior. I can put up boundaries and set up consequences for inappropriate behaviors or actions but I can’t force people to behave the way I want them to. I have my own thoughts and opinions and no one can take them away from me. I need to learn that it is okay to agree to disagree but if someone is acting a particular way and I think it may be hurtful or dangerous to me or to someone else, I can remove myself from the situation instead of getting wrapped up in the chaos and dysfunction.
I am also learning that I am worthy of so much and that I have to put myself first. I always put everyone else’s wants and needs above my own and when I found time for myself, I always felt guilty about it and stopped doing it. I now take time each week, just for me!
I am thrilled to find this blog!!! I really need this! I am 50 years old, and I have been on a long road to recovery… 2 steps forward 1 back 2 steps forward 1 back… I was raised in a alcohol dysfunctional situation, I went on to marry, a workaholic, married for 25 years. And now I am married again, to a alcoholic, and have been for 2 years… I had told myself I would not be in a dysfunctional situation again …but here I am… I am out to learn to do self-care…I really am at my wits end….only because trying to manage my life, I am American, and I have moved and married someone here in the United Kingdom….so I have changed my life unbelievable!!! I am starting to feel trapped and that is the last thing I want to feel…I feel like personally I have really gone backwards….I need to learn self-care, I could leave and go back to the states, but I am not going too….at this time …I really want to work on myself in this situation ….My husband is a “Nice” alcoholic. So this is making it more difficult for me, I have never been involved with Al-anon so I really really believe that this is going to help me, I have come a long way in other aspects of my life. My situation is I live on 110 acres in the middle of know where. I dont drive here, so I feel a bit trapped, I am in the process of studying for my drivers license, (cant drive on American) license here.. I am not working, I just got the ok to be able to work here in the UK. So thats my next step, so in the mean time I really really need to focus on self care, I am looking for an Al-anon meeting to go too….
I in no way make excuses for my husband I am over that, right now I am at the stage..of discovering what I need to do for myself… and so happy I came across this blog.
I have some questions…when Al-non materials mentions Alcoholic as a family problem, I dont quit understand that part….I do KNOW FOR SURE, THAT I AM CO-DEPENDENT, OF other peoples problems, I work on giving this up daily.
What my goal in all of this is …is to TAKE CARE OF ME!! My husband is a very functioning alcoholic…very dependable working, worked for the same company for over 20 years……his drinking starts from 4-6 in the evenings and last until bedtime…this is a daily basis he doesnt eat right, I JUST SEE THAT WE BOTH DO NOT LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST THAT IT COULD BE LIVED…AND THIS IS WHAT BOTHERS ME….. I am out to change this in my life for myself…when he is sober. He is very open about talking about his drinking, he feels guilty, has tried to stop drinking, but just says he cant… I tell him I worry about what its all doing to his health, we are not young!!! And what quality of life do you want to live…I think the more I must talk the more it may make him feel bad…so I am here to learn how to talk to an alcoholic, and how to have my own boundaries as well with the situation…
MY GOAL IS SELF-CARE WITH OUT GUILT….
THANKS TO ALL FOR SHARING, I REALLY LEARN when I hear other peoples stories, Thank you gain ….. Lynn
Hello everyone, Just listened to the podcast step one….WOW FANTASTIC.!!! Just what I needed to hear …Thank you again ….Lynn
Today is a new day…. Just discovered this blog last night…have re-read everyones comments…. which help me so much….help me to see clearer…. I am not rushing out of bed this morning….to tend to the Alcoholics needs….this moment is going to be my moment…..and I will concentrate on the three C’s.. Today I am going to make sure I spend the day doing healthy things for myself…its sunday, so there are no demands of other aspects of life….so am just going to make this my day….today I will go to the bookstore, spend loads of time there….sit and have a cup of tea, and just enjoy my breathing…..and my mantra for the the day will be…..TO LET GO, AND FIND MY OWN HEALTHY PATH FOR LIFE…… After reading and finding this blog, last night I had a very good night sleep…which I havent in the past month. I AM NOT ALONE….as I have been feeling….the recovery process over the years has come to me in waves….I will do very good for a few years and the all of a sudden something will come up I read in melody beaties book, this can be what she decribes as recycling ……..I was so happy to find a name for it…
I will use this blog to express myself and my feelings, I feel trapped alot of the time, and I need an outlet for these emotions… THIS MAKES ME FEEL STRONG….FOR MYSELF…
Lynn
Before I ever entered the rooms of Al-Anon, I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholics drinking. What I continue to struggle with is my powerlessness over “people, places and things”, other people’s thinking and words and actions. I keep trying to change other people. The best tool, for me, in this struggle is the Serenity Prayer. Whenever I find myself in this struggle, trying to change someone else, I am reminded to walk myself thru the prayer…to accept the things I cannot change – I have to look at what I am trying to do and accept the impossibility of it…courage to change the things I can – what here can I do differently and pray for the willingness and ability to change….and wisdom to know the difference – I pray for this all the time, this wisdom to know and recognize what I can and cannot change, so that my struggles will ease, lessen. These struggles and the discord they create are really of my own making. With the help of Al-Anon, the 12 Steps, the Serenity Prayer and my Higher Power, I can get better one day at a time, one struggle at a time.
Yes this family disease — alcoholism. It’s a “train wreck”. No one left un-harmed. I grew up surrounded by alcohol abuse. Alcohol was the lubricant fostering family dysfunctional behavior –anger brewed up, hidden resentments unleashed, emotional and physical violence, emotional and physical abandonment, sexual inappropriateness, and other addictions fueled -gambling, over-eating, co-dependence — this negativity affecting all family members – those drinking or not, child and adult a like, each member trying to survive – to gain some safety from the insanity.
In all this I try to understand. But can a 6 year old understand insanity? Things are good and jovial , then become a nightmare. When I became a teen, I began to understand the pressures and triggers to drinking. By then my survival role was – be a nice boy, be the fixer, be the comforter, be the know it all. I was parent to my siblings, and my drunken parents. Yet, still powerless over the insanity but still trying.
This was my way to fight the fear, and the hopelessness fostered by alcohol. My grandfather drank all day long. No one said grandpa was a drunk – it was just the family thing. That didn’t lessen the pain.
A family disease – consider the genetic link. ACOA’s more likely for a drinking problem. Al-Anon helped me understand that and deal with it. I survived that train wreck. My life is today founded on the Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps, trust in my HP, and the principals of Al-Anon. But I must be diligent, attend f2f meetings, be active in an on-line Al-Anon meeting, and share my story. I understand powerlessness; I know what unmanageably is about; by the grace of my HP and the love of Al-Anon I almost manage to avoid them – almost!
I have been in Al-Anon since last spring. I have been struggling with survivor’s guilt and feeling like I don’t need to be in Al-Anon because all of my family have passed on. But I do need to be here because each time I go to a meeting or pick up CAL, I get something out of it. Deep sadness has left me and feelings of peace and belonging have replaced it. I am in a much deeper relationship with my Higher Power for which I thank Him every day. I am more involved in life than I have ever been. For me, that’s a miracle.
My experience for the day has be interesting…I have really put effort in myself….and I also stopped the guilt in my head….about what I dont know….but its stopped…enjoyed my day with ME!!!
I found myself calling my daughter which lives 4400 miles away from me….and I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE MYSELF after I got off the phone…I realized, yes there was a loving conversation, but bits and pieces of the conversation!!!…I WAS TRYING TO BE CONTROLLING….how I love my daughter for being strong and not letting me control her decsions …THIS IS A HUGE AWAKING FOR MYSELF…… I was thinking that GRANDMA KNOWS BEST STUFF….. eeeeegads….what do I know!!!! I was going into the protector mode of my grand daughter ….WHO AM I TO THINK THAT I AM RIGHT….This blog is my first of working though these issues….I am heading for the first Al-anon meeting that I can find…I have come a long way in my recovery, ..I am happy to say that I will treat myself with kid gloves…..I have learned something today about myself, and I am thrilled for that…I CANT FORCE RECOVERY ON OTHERS… thats not my job….
Thanks to all for sharing..I learn something from every blog….
Lynn
After 20 years in Al-Anon, in May of 2009 I was back to Step 1. My husband had open heart surgery and I became powerless over ice cream, Chicken Alfredo and half n half – my husband’s drugs of choice. My friends in the fellowship looked at me in shock as they saw the affects of my struggle to try to get my serenity back after his debilating illness. What did I do? I went back to the basic tools of the program: reading my literature every day, talking to my sponsor, getting on my knees, attending meetings, talking a walk, a bath, doing the dishes, the Serenity Prayer, the slogans – all the tools can flooding back to me and I grabbed for them like a lifeline. I had been asked to be a keynote speaker at a group’s anniversary in a neighboring town two weeks after his surgery. Despite my husband’s weakened condition, I kept that commitment because it was what I needed to get myself back on track. Today I have my serenity back and my husband is doing well. I still slip and go back into control mode, but quickly remember Step 1 and that at times I’m powerless over my own behavior – that’s when I ask my Higher Power to step in and restore me to sanity. Thank you Al-Anon for your lifesaving tools!
Several people have asked that the podcasts be transcribed. Unfortunately, that is not possible at this time. Perhaps, a friend would download it onto a CD for those who have a CD player. If not, the blog is fully self-supporting in that the comments don’t require hearing the podcasts. The podcasts are also available on iTunes (not an endorsement) so if you have a player that works with that software you may be able to download and listen there.
Thanks to each of you who are making this new idea a success. There are on-line meetings for those who need to share on a daily basis and need to find a sponsor to help them work through their daily problems. Links to locate a meeting including telephone and internet meetings can be found at the link at the beginning of the blog.
I’m learning a lot about the First Step again and it’s because of all of your great sharings.
I realize, taking time for myself…like walking, meditation, going to bed early, and relaxing, being in the woods, near a lake, near a river, helps me let go of the things that I need let go of …and it also reminds me I have no control over these things, and I can enjoy the peacefulness that these things bring to me…..and helps me connect to a higher state of mind…..nature is healing for me….
I just started going to meetings since july. it took me at least 10 years to walk in the doors,being of a produt of an whole alcolhol family ,,Irish, everybody drank ,fought, cried, you name it. I have been married 3 times, none have been alcoholic,but I still suffer from the effects, it seemed nobody I talked to understood.
I thought I could fix everything, but now I know I was powerless, and still am. what got me to a meeting was my son is an alcoholic and I’m scared I’m going to bury him. he is in total denial, because h works 12 hr. days. when I walked in my first meeting I thought if I can come away frrom that meeting with one thing I’ll keep going back.
Then at one point the leadr said it is time o put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. I was floored! that was me! I was still trying to control my kids life and almost everyboy I know.I was going to fixeverything for everybody,meanwhile I’ve been in theapy on and off for 20 years, have taken every antidepressant manufactured nothing worked a lot of them made me worse. after going to alonon for just 7mnths I can’t believe how my eye,s have been opened, everything that I thought just happened to me by the alcoholics was being said by all these other ordinary looking people. I don’t kno what I would do without these meetings, reading support system and people that GET IT!
I have a long road ahead of me I till don’t havea sponsor but I am keeping my eyes and ears open at meetings. alonon has saved me, I’m lookinf forward to the future, for now I know I’m powerless over the alcoholic and other people that are toxic tome and I am working on myself. I have to be honest it’s not easy letting go of these old habits, but i”M taking small steps. and I am catching myself when in a conversation to just listen and be commpassonate and stop trying to fix it.
I began with Step One in Al-Anon over three years ago with my sponsor, and I was grateful and ready for this spiritual path that I could begin. My daughter and her disease of alcoholism had brought me to my knees. I was willing to do anything to help her, as I felt guilt and shame for my untreated crazy behavior having grown up with my parents’ alcoholism; and I knew deep inside that I was also a part of the problem. So many lessons since then.
Today Step One guides me daily through my HP, prayer, meditation, daily readers, weekly meetings, phone calls, and now in my service back to the newcomers and in my groups. The more I willingly admit powerlessness over others, or situations, or things, the more I willingly surrender that huge responsibility to my HP in a loving way, in a prayerful way. Step One helps me to keep the focus on me in my daily practice of recovering who I am and that is quite enough! Thanks.
I have been told this is a lot of help for families of Alcoholics. My husband is an alcohol abuser and he can not stop. We had a physical confertation and I had him arrested. I am moving away from him because I can not deal with it any more. Am I doing the right thing?
you need to come to this decison on our own. I woud recmmend run dn’t walk to te nearest alonon meeting and share your jouney. going to meetings seem to have a way of making you look, at yourself, if he is in jail for hurting you, you need to see that u deseve better for yourself, let it be about you.
In Al-Anon we come to see that alcoholism is, indeed, a family disease. We all suffer. We can all recover. It looks different in every family, but many of the feelings are the same.
In Al-Anon meetings we get the chance to hear that others are going (or have gone) through similar struggles, and we can take the time to make decisions that are best for us. There is no ‘one right way’ to do anything.
My time in Al-Anon has taught me how to work the Steps, to develop a relationship with a Higher Power, to cultivate space in my day for prayer and meditation. This brings me the serenity that comes with knowing that while I may not have the answer right away, I can get the clarity – in Al-Anon – to come to a decision that will work for me.
And that is a life habit I can sustain! Good luck, Tina. I hope you find an Al-Anon Family Group near you, that you can attend meetings and find some literature to read. And hopefully you will find a home in the fellowship of Al-Anon to support you during your journey.
I had a hard time doing step one today….I realized at some point…what I really need to do for myself….and thats put myself number one…..and take care of me ……I fell two steps back…but I learned something …so now I feel that my steps forward will be better…..
I really don’t like the way I feel when I go backwards….for me eating sugar puts me in a state of mind..I truly do not like..and then I come down…and then I get depressed…so TAKING CARE OF MYSELF….REALLY HAS TO BE NUMBER ONE…..
TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY……….
I FORGIVE MYSELF LYNN
I grew up in a household where my mother abused alcohol and prescription drugs. She went to AA and had many good years, but continued to abuse any type of depressant pill. My brother suffers from pill addiction. It has affected me very deeply to see the people I love do those things to themselves. My sister’s daughter seems to have a problem and there is shouting and screaming and calls to me of despair. Now I believe my son has a problem with alcohol.
I decided to look up Al Anon as I know I can not change my son’s, or my brother’s or my niece’s behavior. I do not want to live with the horrible anxiety that accompanies this family disease. I want to be happy. I will work the steps and do the best I can.
I agree that it would be great if these were also transcribed. I ran into trouble because as I listened, the alchoholic overheard–I don’t own an I-pod, and this can be an inflammable situation. I really appreciated the sharings. Jo. s
Knowing I am powerless and accepting powerlessness are two different matters. I am sure I knew I was powerless when I walked into my first meeting. That’s why I was so angry about not being able to change someone else’s behavior. Trying to change him made my life unmanageable because I had no time for myself, the house, or my work–not to mention a spiritual life. I was obsessed with trying to fix the situation. However, once I learned about alcoholism and truly realized I was powerless, I set about making my life better. Admitting and accepting are two different things! Acceptance has been my pathway to peace.