Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
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115 comments
My roommate has a drinking problem. I told him last night that I was kicking him out because I can’t handle his drinking (and then how MEAN he gets) anymore. Today, he went out, got drunk, fell down, hit his head and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I went to pick him up from the ER. Am I enabling him? Should I just have let them take him to the “drunk tank” when he was released from the hospital (since he was STILL drunk), which is what they were going to do if no one had picked him up?
On the way home, he admitted that he had a drinking problem, and that he had a lot of pain inside. However, he seems to feel that going to meetings is asking for help, which is “weak.” He thinks he can do it on his own. I came online to look up AA meetings for him and found this site as well. I’m just starting to read through everything, but it looks as though I’m about to learn a lot. =-)
I will stand by him if he agrees to stop drinking and get help. However, I cannot stand by and watch him destroy himself anymore….because it’s destroying me, too. He’s one of my best friends, and I love him. I feel very alone right now, and I feel like a crappy friend because I’m not willing or able to be there “unconditionally” anymore. But I have to take care of myself, too, and he’s so MEAN, not physically, but verbally, when he’s drunk, which is ALL THE TIME now. It’s breaking my heart.
I am ready to release the energy it takes to continue “keeping things under control” as I now admit I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism. The control I was battling for has continued for over 25 years and I now see how it has crossed into other parts of my life, including work, parenting and other relationships. I labeled my behaviors as organization, strict routine, expectations, but it is really trying to control power over people and things. I have control only over myself. I am ready to let go everywhere else.
I was unable to attend my meeting tonight but I am so grateful to have found this podcast on Step One. I needed to be reminded of my powerlessness over my husband’s drinking. The shares I heard tonight reminded me to keep the focus on myself – to make changes in me that will bring me closer to the person I want to be. I love my husband very much and it hurts so much to see the toll that alcohol has taken on him, but I am powerless to stop it. I cannot change another person, only myself. When I forget this, my life spins out of control. Step One helps me get back on track.
The second part of step one made sense to me much sooner than the first part. I needed to go to a lot of meetings in order to hear what I needed to hear. Quite a while into the program, without a sponsor, (which by the way I would not recommend), I finally heard a speaker phrase the first step in Al-Anone as follows:
“We in Al-Anon are powerless over other people; their actions; and their thinking; we are equally powerless over other places and things and our lives had become unmanageable.”
That was a huge eye-opener for me. The “we” part taught me that I am not alone, that others are suffering and have suffered like I do. It also opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot change my daughter, I cannot make her stop using, I cannot control her actions, nor do I have any control over what she is thinking. I needed to accept her as she was and admit that she suffered from a disease. The 3 “C’s” I didn’t Cause it; I cannot Control it; and I certainly cannot Cure it; make perfect sense now. It became clear to me that the only person I could change was me. Now I also understood why I kept hearing “Keep the focus on yourself” all the time.
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change (my daughter and other family members); Grant me the courage to change the person that I can change “me”; and the wisdom to keep the focus on my-self.”
My daughter was in her thirties, and I was totally pre-occupied and obsessed with “fears” that came up with my daughter’s and her daughter’s lives. I kept confusing caring with controlling simply because I didn’t know how to allow or permit them their dignity of being them-selves. I denied them the right to experience their own lives and let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. I continually allowed them to always count on me to make everything better, such as bailing her out from jail, paying her fines; buying them a home; providing a car; paying for gas, paying car insurance; buying groceries, cleaning their home; washing their clothes etc. all in the name of making things easier on them and in the name of caring and loving them.
I finally did learn that I needed to do my step work and I got a sponsor. I have met with my sponsor on a weekly basis for several years now. The first step is just that, the first step into the right direction, pointing to recovery! I finally practice my “Fear” the right way, “Face everything and recover!” I get it.
We gain Recovery through the Steps; Unity through the Traditions; and learn Service through the Concepts. I am a very grateful member of Al-Anon and will stay in this program for the rest of my life.
Dad could never get with listening to me share with him what it means to be powerless. He basically thinks it’s only ‘powerless after you drink alcohol”…He wouldn’t listen to my sharing about what AA says about this mental obsession that condemns alcoholics to drink again against their own will to not drink. Went to 60 meetings got ‘dry’…After 2 years white knuckling it he drank again. Got dry again last summer, and I tried again. He was told he “has a thousand sponsors in all the rooms”…some nonsense and it was in AA too!…He stopped going to AA meetings, without touching a single step and is dry now.
My first step comes from knowing that if I’m in a tug-o-war, I can get free not by pulling harder, but to drop the rope. I love him, and may only do more harm by “pushing” or “pulling”…I love him. I do wish he would accept the treatment plan. 12 steps worked for me. I think the most selfish part (hard to understand this) is that I want to have a relationship with Dad. I would love to be able to share moments with him, but I constantly judge how bashful he is. It is bad on my part, but the confusing part for a double-winner like me is knowing this would help him, and wanting what is best for Dad. I had to drop the rope and stop playing tug-o-war.
I am writing this to clear the air about the alcoholism around me that has affected my life. My father was an alcoholic. He died from the results of alcoholism when he was 52. My husband of over 40 years is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks on the weekends and on vacation. He seldom becomes out of control, but does on occasion when he goes past his 3rd drink. A very close friend committed suicide after a lifetime of heavy drinking some years ago. My son has been an alcoholic for approximately 20 years. We employ him. He very seldom works now, but we still pay him. My husband and I are both enablers and have been for a very long time. We are both afraid to let him hit bottom, and yet we know that is what it will take if our son is ever to come to grips with his addiction. Although I am an author and teacher of the spiritual, I cannot bring myself to allow my son to bottom, even though I should know better. I have never been to a meeting, but ask for God’s help everyday to give me the strength to do what must be done. Thanks for giving me this venue to vent.
I am glad that I explored the Al-Anon site again because its a New Year and finally I can relate to STEP 1. My first exposure to an an-anon meeting did not go well. It was hard to find, got re-routed by a note on the door and walked in late. What I saw around me were a sorry group of devasted souls, old beyond their years, haggard. Nothing that was said seemed to be any value to where I was at that point plus the meeting was on a much later step and one that I didn’t comprehend anyway. The only story I liked was from a woman who divorced her husband. Those that stayed with their acoholic or decided to remain in their lives seemed pathetic AND THAT SURE AS HELL WAS NOT GOING TO BE ME. IT scared me. I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t have to put up with my alcoholic. It was a new marriage, no kids, no house, nothing joint.
After several months of trying to fix my alcoholic and using power and control to no avail, I started to think that I should give al-anon another try. Somebody told me that MAYBE I landed on a group that was not a good fit. It occured to me that in trying to fight my alcoholics battle I was also fighting the “need” to be part of al-anon.
I still feel like ” I did not sign up for this”. I had no idea that my alcoholic was like this before we married..I just thought that she liked to party and was celebrating our new relationship. Now I basically want out of the relationship but I have given ultimatums and could not execute them. I felt bad. Loved her. Maybe if I could just hang in there and showed her that I love her enough, I COULD FIX IT. Already I know I can’t and that brings me to the first step. I have alot more to learn and alot needs to be repaired at this point…WITH MYSELF…and getting back to taking care of ME. ITs all been about her. Looking for clues that she has been drinking, searching her car everynight to find a bottle and sometimes finding one, the confrontation thereafter, the lies, her remorse, the promises that it won’t happen again, the secrets I keep from loved ones and friends and this constant BATTLE has exhausted me. I need peace. And I am going to a meeting tomorrow and will try more thereafter. My quest is no longer how I can fix my alcoholic…its how to have the courage of my convictions and do what is best for my life.
This morning I went to an AL ANON meeting. What a difference from the first one I tried several months ago. But I am a different person than I was several months ago and whereas I was more “judging” I am now compasionate. Its what my life had become and I fit there. I am powerless over my alcoholic’s alcohol. What I found there was quite a mix of people, some dejected and tired but many upbeat and thankful. IT gave me hope. I still like the stories best of those who have left their alcoholic rather than remain because I don’t want my relationship with my alcoholic anymore. No trust that ever can be earned back and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying of rebounds.
Last night I found a bottle in her car. The old me would have dumped it out. Instead, I brought it in and left it on the kitchen counter for her to deal with. Its out of my hands and has always been no matter how much I tried to control it, police it or relished in the joy of all those promised new beginnings.
Also this morning I “moved into” the other bedroom. Not to be punitive. Not to be dramatic. I just simply need a space of my own to be and peace and a place to sleep where I don’t have to smell the stench of alcohol. She is devastated and called her sponsor; a telephone call that was better placed when she had the urge to drink. Point in fact she has never called her sponsor when she intended to drink; instead, she gave into it and lied to her sponsor and, ofcourse, to me.
I really don’t have alot of anger like I used to. I am more beaten down and in great need of finding joy again. I guess you could say that the focus is now on myself which is a great start. Yet, typical of my pattern, I may soon will feel sad, remorseful, nostalgic, then deeply depressed. To alieve these feelings I reconnect with her again, only to be disappointed again. My life has challenges otherwise: my ex moved our young daughter to New York and the separation has been heartbreaking; my parents are ill- mother has parkinsons and is declining and my dad is in a resthome with alzheimers. Because of these stressors I don’t have the emotional strength to file divorce papers. But I can, and I have been told its ok, to get some peace in this baby step of moving into another bedroom.
Sorry I have gone on and on. But this is my story and my struggle.
Thank you so much to all of you whose comments about your own life mirror mine in many ways. Its a God-send to have this support.
new year …new month…new concept…I have visited this website a few times over the past few years…I like the idea of sharing online our thoughts about step one.
I came to my first al-anon meeting when i was obsessed with my teen age daughter’s drinking and behavior. I came with alot of fear, because drinking and driving had killed my husband. I knew my life was unmanageable as the first step suggests…but I had no idea that i was powerless over my daughter’s choices. What kind of Mom has no power over her child…especially when her child is making bad choices ?? Al-anon taught me alot about the family disease of alcoholism. Just like i am powerless over a disease like cancer, I am powerless over what alcoholism does to my daughter. I finally realized that I was powerless when my daughter left home for a month. The first week , I did not know where she was ….talk about being powerless. That is when I learned to focus on the things I could change….ME !! my feelings, my fear, my uncertainty …I did that by talking on the phone to other al-anon friends and going to many extra meetings. I learned to take things One Day at a Time …One Hour at a Time sometimes….and I learned that others would help me deal with my feelings…I am blessed to be surrounded by such great people that share thier experience, strength and hope! and now we can share it online !! We are never alone!
My husband has been sober for over a year and I am having a difficult time. Having been in the program for 10 years I know I have to keep coming back and admit step one all over again and again and again and again…..Just because he’s stopped drinking doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. My life is still unmanageable and why should I stop working the steps, especially step one? Step one saved my life and our marriage. I can only do this if I work my steps on a contiual basis…so I will! Writing is great and sharing it with others online is wonderful too
I came to alanon because my life was unmanagable. The alcoholic in my life and I had been divorced for 4 years and I was still out of control with my behaviours and emotions- anger, crying, yelling, isolating etc. I even tried AA because the alcoholic told me I was alcoholic. I believed him but argued the whole time I was in the room with these people. Finally someone suggested that maybe I need alanon. i knew alcohol wasn’t my problem, I could take it or leaave it, and that part of what AA members talked about didn’t make sense to me(0bsession). I will be forever grateful to the AA member who suggested alanon because it was at my first meetings that I began to identify what was happening to me. i devoured as much litature as I could and found myself in those lines. At last i had hope again in my life, I could see a way out of the crazynes that my mind had me entangled in. My obsession was the alcoholic and the realization that I was powerless to change anything this person said, believed or did. The sense of relief I found when I realized that I didn’t cause this disease, couldn’t control it nor cure it felt like a weight had been lifted off my back. This step made the next steps easier to take becuase the foundation I had gained in the admittence of powerlesness and unmanagabliity lighted my load and mind to grow back to me and beter.
Dear Program Friends…
I’m so pleased to find you on the website and hope to utilize sharing (others/mine) while I’m in Spain. I live in northern Ohio but am blessed to have an opportunity to vacation in a new location from 2/4 until the end of the month. I’ve checked availability of meetings in Spain on the international contact list as well as in their local newspapers but no luck near Torremolinos. It’s primarily a tourist area so it’s not surprising that listed meetings are in larger cities. So if we can connect, I’ll be writing from Spain and sharing on Step 2. Thanks for being there! Carol R. Norwalk, Ohio
Step 1 was one I understood in knowledge. It took 6 months into the program before I cried on my sofa and said God I can’t do this anymore. Take my husband – I am done. That was action – actually working this step. It was the most freeing experience I had in years and it was the growth step I needed to get moving and get better. My anxiety attacks are less as time goes on and that is thanks to the program and this first step. When my head swirls and I feel that old gut wretching anxiety coming back, I know I am not in a good place. It is time to get back to step #1. This is a huge step and it takes a while to get the layers within this step. It is a good place to return to and remind myself – ground myself – when the anxiety comes back. Once I say this step, the anxiety lessens or disappears. I am glad to be powerless. That was a scary thought when I first came into the program because everything was out of control and I blamed the alcoholics in my life. I was the one that was nuts – control freak. Let Go and Let God has been my mantra for over a year and it has helped tremendously in all my affairs.
This is my first time on this website. I’ve read all the posts and see myself in them. I feel like I am losing ‘me’. My problem is more complicated. My sister is mentally ill now. She lived a completely normal and productive life until about 4 years ago. She has delusional paranoia…..and she’s now an alcoholic. How do I deal with this?
I have difficulty with the concept of being powerless. I feel a sense of relief that I am powerless. And yet, knowing and acting on that knowledge are two very different things. I recognize the fact that I can not control the alcoholic and yet I constantly find myself trying to convince him that he has to find sobriety and recovery NOW. I realize that I am trying to convince him for my own selfish motives – “If he finds recovery than we can begin to live Happily Ever After.” I want the fairy tale. I struggle with the knowledge that I can write only my own part in the story and not any other characters – including my Prince Charming.
My mind is whirling about what others have said on this site. I came on here looking for a meeting after finding my husband has been drinking this afternoon and I am done with it. I have enabled my husb to smoke pot for 20 years and now he has started drinking and doesnt seem to be able to stop. i feel like I have put up with his pot use for so long and took care of things so we really have a nice life…why does he have to add this issue. I CANT tolerate him drinking, my biggest issue is he drinks and drives. I had a death in my immediate family from a drunk driver when I was young. What if he hurts someone? What if he hurts himself? What if we loose everything that we have because he does something stupid? im so embarressed. I have tried threats, guilt, ultimatums, anger. Nothing works. I have alot of work to do one step one. Thanks for listening
My situation is a little different. No one in my house drinks, we don’t have a drop of alcohol of any kind in the house. My husband is a drug addict his drug of choice is meth. The Judge has ordered me to to go to meetings 3 times a week for 3 months. For what? All I’ve read and seen on the website is about alcoholism, but what about drugs? I did the NA thing with him and that was a waste of my time. He’s in jail now and I have no idea when he’ll get out (and don’t care).
How can Al-Alnon help me? I’m not co-dependent and not a drug user. Please advise me on this because I’m at a loss and don’t see how this is going to help me or my son.
Kelly Im new to this but am going to try some meetings. It works for lots of people, maybe just try it for awhile. Its different from NA because its about you not him. Liz
Kelly Please keep going to meetings. As Liz said the program is about helping you. Keep an open mind and do this one day at a time. i have been where you are now and my suspicion is that the judge sees that you need help to deal with this situation in your life. An alcoholic seen this in me and I tok his advice 4 years ago and today I have serenity in my life. This serenity helps me to be a better person to myself and those i love. It is part of the journey of kife. Keep coming back.
Alanon teaches that we are not responsible for the alcoholics behavior, but we are responsible for our own behavior. Step one is very powerful as it clarifies that I cannot control the alcoholic therefore I am not responsible for that which (the alcoholic) I cannot control.
My behavior – is my responsiblity – I do have the power to make choices about how I respond to difficult situatuions. I can achieve a sense of calm and sanity when I take time to time focus on me and how I want to respond to situations.
Hi all,
I am glad I came across this site. I do attend f2f meetings but still I am crazy in my mind. I have been with my partner since 1997. We moved in together in 1999. In 2009, I moved out for the 3RD TIME!!!
Valentine Day weekend I came back home to be with my partner. I am still with my partner at our house. However, I am just “there”. We are dancing around each other. She doesn’t want me to leave per se but she isn’t exactly doing anything to make me want to stay either. I don’t know what to do but keep coming back. Here is where I find peace, serenity, and am reminded I am not crazy.
Thanks
I’ve never been to a meeting before – my husband keeps asking me to go. To help me understand. My problem is that his addictions are something that I do not and will not continue to live with. We have a 4 1/2 year old son. We both adore him! I don’t want him living in this situation. My husband is not violent. I’m not scared…I just want a better life. I work hard! I have accomplished things….many things are a mess because of his addictions. He quit drinking 2 years ago, but replaced that with pain pills. I hate coming home to a man that looks high off of pain pills and valum! I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that? I don’t want to cope anymore…….
Julie I am in a similiar situation. I am just tired of it, I keep saying to my “Im done”. i am looking for alanon to help me take care of myself and life will take me from there.
Liz
I’ve been struggling with this for many years and have visited this website, but tonight was the first I’ve listened to the podcast about Step1. I’ve never been to an Al-anon meeting. I suppose I need to go because I’m still confused. My husband is what I believe they call a functioning alcholic. He drinks at least a 6 pack every day, but stops drinking by the time I get home. Some afternoons he isn’t drunk, but some days like today, he is and you never know what might set him off to get angry. He doesn’t get violent much, but is unreasonable to talk to. We’ve been married 20+ years and though I’m tired and just want to quit, I know that’s not what God wants me to do. So, I’m trying to figure this out. I understand being powerless over alchohol and I’m doing better at not looking for the evidence of how much he’s drank. (I know that part makes me emotionally sick.) But it’s hard to not get mad and after a bad argument like tonight (where he’s left and I’m sure out drinking more beer) to wake up the next day, go to our jobs and pretend everything is hunky-dory. We might have a few good weeks in a row and I think I’m doing good acceptaning it’s not my problem. And then an argument over something else leads me to comment about his drinking. How do I stop that??
I have a 33year old son who is an alcholic, I have two brothers that due to their drinking and drugs, became paranoid scitsophrenics. I am worried to death over my son. he has moved accross country, and even tho he had a good job,a college degree,, he is now working as a day laborer. I am so afraid that I will say something that will not help him. I would like to write him a letter asking him to get help, His father is a recovered alcholic, He says nothing I can do about it/ It hurts and scares me. I feel so helpless. I see the comments here, and think that I should just leave him to his devils . Is that really all that I can do??
Annette, as Step One says: you are powerless over your son, powerless over alcoholism. There is truly nothing you can do, except love him with detachment. Detachment is a key concept in Al-Anon. I am hoping that you can find a meeting to go to, they help so much! Please look into finding meeting for yourself-you can only take care of youself, not him. Sad, I know-but so true.
Good Luck.
Mary Jo (MJ)
TO JULIE:
You said ” I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that?”
I just wanted to clarify something VERY important about Al-Anon, which is that we NEVER EVER tell anyone what to do about their relationships or anything else. Al-Anon does provide the necessary tools to help a person decide for themself what is best for them. If anyone in Al-Anon ever gives advice or tells someone what they think they should do–that person is NOT practicing the Al-Anon principles. PLEASE do not be afraid to go to a meeting-you don’t even have to speak (unless you want to). One of our slogans is “Listen and Learn.” Al-Anon is not about telling anyoone what to do or not to do–it is about demonstrating our experience, strength, and hope, and showing others by example, how to live a better life. We always say “Take what you like, and leave the rest”.
Hope this helps; and I sincerely hope that you will try a few meetings.
Mary Jo
Hi everyone,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years off and on. We live together now. Well he is an alcoholic and really wants help. Tuesday he admitted himself into a detox center. He really wants in patient but his insurance will not cover all of it and we can not afford it. I’m not sure what to do cause he says he can not do it by his self.
I talked to him today and he said that he may have to come home and try to do it on his own. I guess what I am asking is HOW do I help him through this..Do I tell him NO when he wants alcohol or what. I’m lost, I have never been addictd to anything and never been through anything like this. I cry ever night because I want him home but I also want him better. Please help me with any advice you may have. Oh one more question…What do I tell the kids??????????? We have seven between us and I just dont know what to tell them as to where he is. Thank you
I have been in al-anon on and off for many years. I divorced my first husband of 21 years b/c of infidelity – he was an alcoholic but I did not realize it for much of that marriage. When I finally learned in al-anon about alcoholism and how it destroyed the love and respect we had I vowed I would never again get involved with another alcoholic . . . wrong. I married my second husband knowing he was alcoholic but I denied it to myself. I made myself believe he wasn’t as bad and I (still) believe he would not be unfaithful. Turns out he had an even more severe alcohol addiction. He is now sober after 12 years of marriage – for two years now -sort of a dry sobriety – he doesn’t drink but he really isn’t working a program seriously. He goes through the motions occasionally. I thought his sobriety would end most of our problems but it hasn’t. The main problem is the same as in the first marriage – we’ve lost the love and respect we had and basically don’t like each other that much. Too much water over the bridge or something. Now that I’m in advancing years I am having some health problems. I don’t have the energy or desire to deal with HIM anymore and that is a relief. What I really want and need is serenity. I know that many (younger) people in al-anon are fighting for their marriage and family. I think that is noble however no one has made me feel that is what I should do also. I go to an-alnon stricly to learn to take care of myself. My biggest flaw in taking care of myself is that I am still too dependent on him. I hate to admit to another failed marriage so I keep “going to the hardware store for bread.” That means I keep hoping that I can get my emotional needs met by him. I set myself up by hoping and engaging with him as if he is equipped to really help ME for a change. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results – the definition of insanity – because I end up hopeless and depressed when reality hits. So I ask myself constantly – why do I hang on? Why can’t I let go? That is how powerless I am and how my life is unmanagable. Step 2 promises that my higher power will restore me to sanity.
I am a slow learner. I will be in al-anon for the remainder of my life I suspect.
Step One is the first step in an incredible journey! Step One teaches that alcoholism is a disease- a family disease and a disease of relationships. I was affected by the alcoholism in my family so my thoughts and feelings became distorted. I thought that I knew what was best for others, but Al-Anon taught me that many of my attempts to control others actually contributed to the problems in my family. I felt compelled to “force solutions,” but I ended up making many situations worse! My life became unmanageable and I felt out of control. I was absolutely miserable before I came to Al-Anon!
Step One puts my life back in proper perspective. I am completely powerless over people, places and things, but I am NOT powerless over ME. I have responsibility for my actions, but not for anyone else’s thoughts or behavior. Step One puts the focus back on me- not on the alcoholic. My attempts to control others made my life crazy but “by letting go of this battle that I was sure to lose, I became free.” Those around me found their freedom, too- the freedom to make their own mistakes and face their own consequences (without my interference!)
Step One teaches me to love the person and hate the disease. That is where the disease concept comes in. Alcoholism is like a spider web- its almost invisible yet it affects anyone who comes in contact with it. This spider web of disease spreads through families, twisting relationships and making everyone sick. In Al-Anon, I have learned to “detach with love” and put myself first. I no longer fight the world. Because of Al-Anon and the 12 Steps, I am happy for the first time in my life!
Funny how it works! By letting go of others, we can experience an even greater personal power and freedom. So why don’t you give Al-Anon a chance? What have you got to lose? Try six meetings- as close together as possible- and Keep Coming Back. The Al-Anon program works if you work it!
ls
Step One: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.
I have not been to a meeting yet, but I am trying to work up the courage to go…
My parents are both alcoholics, and I grew up in a very chaotic world. Now I am married with two young children. My husband is in the Army and was deployed to Iraq for a year in 2008. He very rarely drank before the deployment, but after the deployment he started drinking almost everyday. He started treating me like crap and cheated on me with four different women. I tried to control and manipulate him into getiing back on track. I tried ultimatums, threats, guilt… I tried getting his command involved… nothing worked. I filed for divorce six months ago. It is a daily struggle for me not to let my husband manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and taking him back. Sometimes I cant control the urge to call or text him and make him feel guilty for abandoning our family for alcohol. Sometimes I make him cry. Last night we were talking about our situation and he said, “I like to go to bars. I like to drink. It’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. It puts me in a better mood and helps me forget my problems for a little while. I am not going to change.” When he said this, I realized I AM POWERLESS. There is nothing I can do or say that will make this man change. Absolutely nothing.
So I guess that is step one.
I have been to two Al-Anon meetings recently–right after I learned that I was married to an alcoholic after 24 years of marriage! He hid it very well, swore his children from his first marriage to secrecy as well as his brother-all who have now begun to talk about what his drinking was like in the first marriage. Over the years, I saw what I consider an alcoholic personality, but never any drinking. As a diabetic, he never drank for years. I grew up with an alcoholic brother and dealt with his manipulative behavior all of my life. It was a relief when he died at age 75. Now I have a husband who’s behavior is mirroring my brother’s. We are not young–he’s 75 and I am 9 years younger. He was just released from a care center after 10 weeks of IV antibiotics to treat osteomylitis in the lumbar section of his back caused by a staph infection. He went into the hospital for 17 days prior to the 2.5 months in the care center. While in the hospital he went through DT’s and nearly died. He must have started drinking again about 3 years ago as best I can calculate but hid it entirely until recently when it got out of control. As soon as the ventilator he was on was removed in the hospital, he asked for a 6 pack of beer! He’s been home 4 days and has tried 5 times to get beer even though he is so weak, he can barely walk and has fallen twice already. He is also on 2 strong narcotic pain medications, Prozac, Ativan, an antibiotic plus a nerve blocker. He’s developing dementia and has lost 40 lbs. After all he’s been through as well as myself and his family, he’s now sober and wants nothing more than to get a beer at the first opportunity! Talk about being powerless over alcohol!!!! I have told him that I cannot live with him drinking, and that I will divorce him…and I will. It took a lot to say that because I don’t make idle threats. In all 24 years of our marriage, nothing has brought me to the point of saying that until now. With his illness, we are nearing bankruptcy. I’ve discovered over the last 3 months that he’s been sneaking money from credit cards (getting cash and buying money orders) to buy coins–another addiction. Over the last 7 years, it’s amounted to several thousand dollars that I can account for. I remember taking care of myself…it’s time to do that once again. Although he’s old and sick, he is where he is from choices he made–I didn’t make them for him–didn’t even know about them! I’m looking to Al-Anon for support through this rollercoaster of emotions.
My husband has a substance abuse problem. He drinks and/or uses drugs like xanex. I am tired. I don’t know how to build a marriage without trust, and he lies constantly. I worry that I am ‘too controlling.’ For example, I kicked a friend out of our house and told him to never come back. He left 5 valium on the counter in our kitchen and my three-year-old found them and brought them to me. Thank goodness he brought them to me! But I am powerless to control the actions of others. So do I let trash like that walk around my house, be around my boys, and wait for the day when he leaves out some pills and my one-year-old eats them? I say no–but where is the line supposed to be? And PLEASE, would it be possible, God, for my husband to one day befriend someone with integrity?
We went to a Christian counselor whom I really respect. He told me that staying was codependent and I needed to leave. My husband and I spent some time with an elder and his wife in our church, in a mentoring-type relationship. They tell me that I need to leave. My pastor and my parents tell me to stay. I will leave if I have to, if it is the right thing to do. I am just not convinced that it is the right thing. I love my husband. My boys love their Daddy. My heart wants to stay.
My husband is patient with me and very forgiving. Just because he is the one with the drug problem doesn’t mean that he is the only one with problems! I used to be rather irresponsible and I still enjoy playing things by ear, flying by the seat of my pants, making last minute decisions… But after five years of marriage, I had allowed myself to be twisted into this controling wench (at times) that I hated. It isn’t who I am, or who I want to be!
I want to be the fun one, the one who sleeps in because I know my spouse will take care of the kids, the one who stays up all night doing whatever I want to do and shirks responsibility. I also want to be an amazing mom and a desirable wife…
Any suggestions?
After reading many comments, I have discovered, I am not alone. I haven’t been to a meeting, but I was looking for one. I was going to go tonight, but I am scared. Let me start from the beginning. My husband is an alcoholic and has been forever. He has stopped before, but always went back. I finally have had enough. About 2 weeks ago, his alcohol rage got out of control. I can’t take it anymore. We have a little boy and I don’t want him living in this situation. Its awful. I need change. I know I can’t change him, but I was trying to. I know now I can’t. I am going to stop trying. My son and myself left and now live with family. I thought maybe he would start to get help. Boy was I wrong. He said he would stop drinking without going to meetings. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. Why can’t he see this? I love him, but I am hurting in the worse way. It feels like a lump in my throat. I am hurting and scared. Thanks for your help!
My husband had stopped drinking long back, it is now nearly 12 years. During his initial period of sobriety he attended few AA meetings may be hardly for a year after that he stopped totally, and I was also not attending Al-Anon, probably because our daughter was small and she needed our attention as there was nobody in our house to look after her and since we both were working at that time we had to keep in cretch and that was quite hurting to leave her alone with somebody whole day and pick up her late in the evening. We were busy bringing up our daughter by the time she was in 4th std my husband left his job, as he was finding it difficult to cope with it as he used to be hardly at home because of work pressure in office, so after he left the job he had totally devoted himself to look after our daughter I was continuing my job, but as you say, this is a galloping disease we had to face dry alcholosim in our house, till then my daughter was in 9th std. and she was facing all the trauma of my husband’s eccentric behaviour and she could make out changes in his behaviour, suddenly he would be very nice and suddenly used to get angry on small small things, which was in turn getting affected to me and I was also going out of control, and then one moment I became so helpless and picked up the phone to call an Al-Anon member and started my meetings again and now it is nearly 1 year I am on the programme again, though my husband is still not attending meetings, as he feels he can do without it, that is is EGO, but i realised that whether he attends or not attends the meeting, it is MY LIFE that i need to regularise, and just reading literature is not sufficient, it is very important to attend the meetings, meet Al-Anon friends and be a part of it again, taking each step seriously and sincerely, and after long we are coming on terms with life, as Al-Anon really works ! My sincere thanks to all of my Al-anon friends and to this wonderful fellowship !
Yes I am powerless but not powerless enough to not find a sponsor .
I am from a nonalcoholic family that denies alcoholism and al-anon.
It took twelve years after my husband pushed me down a flight of stairs and my parents blaming me and putting me in a mental hospital with labeled disease so there was a reason not the alcoholism. When ever my husband punished me and my three boys
my parents would try to fix everything because my dad the doctor was the proper dad and my mom the proper mom . To the point that they would move in and fix it .
Anyway I am off any medication but the affect of my husbands drinking is still there .
thanks to al-anon I am not fighting his disease but my past of being put down .
with the higher power I am different person .
I am never alone with my new family and have to work the program much more .
Hopefully with a sponsor soon .
I dont know where to start. I came to this site to find a meeting. I have been in a alcoholic household since the day i was born. My dad drank and eventually died of the disease. My current husband drinks on a daily basis. We have been married now for 13 years. His habit keeps growing. I feel lost and alone. I dont know what else to do. I have read the posts and listened to the podcast about step one. i dont know if i can do it. i want so much for my marriage to work. I love my husband. He is a good man and a good dad. I dont know why this is happening but i want it to stop. I have tried everything i know how to get my husb to stop drinking. He just wont. It’s slowly killing him. I can see it in his face and his body. i am afraid he is going to kill himself or even worse someone else as he insisits on drinking and driving. It hurts me so much as we have 2 teenagers on the road, I am angry that he does not care that he could end another persons life. I keep asking myself why…
Step One: For the last nine years I’ve tried to put into play not only my dreams and aspirations, but my husband’s. I have followed him half way around the world and into a new career and put off children. When he was fired, and I was left in the career without him, I wondered to myself if I had to give up the career. When he sunk into depression and didn’t look for a job, and didn’t file for unemployment, I felt responsible to taking care of us. When I lost a comrade in war, I never stopped to grieve, because my husband couldn’t handle the stress of the situation. I’m left to provide all the financial, emotional, and spiritual care for us and I can’t anymore. I have broad shoulders, but I need to carry myself. I need to grieve for the friend I lost, I can’t leave a career because he had to. My life cannot be filled with resentment.
Even after deploying half way around the world to help rebuild a country, I wonder how he is doing, if he is capable of going on, if he can handle. I deployed to get out of the mindset and put my help where I really want to focus it.
My deepest shame is I’ve given up on having children because I don’t want to raise a child with a drunk. Just writing it helps. Just announcing it takes the shame away, and reminds me that the reason why I chose no children was responsibility and not wanting to raise a child in that situation. I would rather raise children alone. In this third world country, I was offered a baby. A baby, with literally no future and a mother just willing to give her away. At a displaced persons camp, I was offered a baby. It was sad and disheartening and I still felt like I could not give that baby a better home.
Admitting I am powerless isn’t just about over alcohol, but of life. I couldn’t control my husband, and I couldn’t control the mother that offered her baby. While I know I could raise a baby, and offer her a good life, my thought process took me first to ‘I can’t take a baby into that situation’. This is a baby, that will if lucky outlive malaria, disease, rape, natural disasters and crime. How could my thoughts immediately go to the relationship with my husband? I have the power, I have the ability. Why and how do I linger around a person that I let completely change my way of thinking and my capacity, just to enable.
I have issued ultimatums after ultimatums and haven’t followed through. It is hard to leave and stop loving. The point isn’t to stop loving, but love the right way. I’ve been loving the sick way. I’ve been loving the wrong way, giving in and giving up. I will try to love the right way and at this point it is letting go. If I can’t do the fundamental things I should be able to do in a marriage like have children, have shared financial responsibility and most importantly SHARED confidence, then maybe I shouldn’t be in that marriage. I no longer have time to give. 9 years of the same lies alcohol makes one tell. I am not married to a man anymore but to a desire for alcohol and supporting it.
I have to admit I am powerless over my love and whom I love, but I am not powerless over my decisions. I am ready to look forward. I am ready to move on with my life and that may well mean giving up on a marriage. I never wanted to walk away from a marriage. I want possibilities and potential back in my life, not limits and ultimatums.
Dear Al Anon:
I was looking for meetings and found this site. I read the posts on site from other members of Al Anon and it helped. I also am married to a practicing alcoholic who drinks on weekends when he was home. i was forced out of my home on january 23, 2010 by him and two of his family members, leaving behind my 14 year old daughter. She is in denial and is being manipulated that everything is my fault. The marriage and financial problems the whole kit and kaboodle. She is rude and disrespectful to me.
I have been so angry at my alcoholic husband for so long. Our marriage was a farce and a big lie!! I am angry at myself for trying to deny it and how could I marry another alcoholic!!! Husband #1 was also one. I tried to fool myself and the abuse also crept into this marriage too!!
I found a meeting schedule and am thankful for that so that I can take care of myself.
thanks
Kathy
I am new to al-anon but not to the disease of addiction around me. I have been with an addict who uses any thing he can get his hands on for seven years. I didnt realize how serious addiction was. I did drugs off and on through my earlier years but stopped. I played around with them and every person Ive been in a relationship with is an addict/alcoholic. I felt addicts were really weakminded people. I thought if i could just stop anyone can. That is not the case. I married my husband four months ago just so he could go to rehab, sort of an intervention thing. He has legal issues and I wanted to give him that gift that not everyone can have because of money. I have good insurance and so I married him. I have a son that is six with him and i have a teenager that is sixteen. My teenager has lost all respect for me and hates his step dad because he has let us down over and over and i keep on taking him back. Because of this I have alot of guilt that I have failed my children by helping him. I am going to start going to meetings and working the steps. My husband is in his second rehab and I believe that I have to work the program as well as him cuz i have issues of codependancy. I do see a counselor and take medicine for anxiety but its not enough. I have fought going to alanon finding excuses not to but if I want my family to be healthy I have to be. It will be up to him for his sobriety, I am powerless over his addiction and his disease. I think that is step one.
i am overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and disappointment. my husband came home from rehab for the second time and i dont think i can do it again. i have no trust or respect. he makes me ill to be around. i feel like i am carrying 200 lbs on my shoulders. i am sad and disappointed in myself for thinking i could help him by marrying him so he could go to rehab cuz of my insurance. he is so selfish and abusive. i cant take no more. he doesnt hit no more but he might as well. my kids have suffered so much and i cant believe i did this to them again. i love the sober husband but i never know if he is. i dont think i can live wondering all the time. i dont believe in divorce but i am tired. wish me luck
Help. I am so lost. My 19 yo daughter who has a history on mental health issues, is a product of her bio drinking during pregnancy and a bio father that is a drug/alcohol abuse. Now that she is 19, I have no legal control, for that matter, no control over her. She is now living with a 44 yo man, that has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. He supposedly was a 10 year survivor and recently fell off the wagon. Of course, it was because of my daughter. They are supposedly getting married next year, but I am so afraid of what will happen in between. My daughter has severe anger issues, so needless to say, their relationship is one of great violence. Being so gullible, my daughter believes every word this man says. Sadly, most of what he says is an embellishment or a downright lie. She called me last night and left a message on my phone — she told me not to call her or text her anymore. She also said that I was not to answer her calls or texts, that she needed to be “independent” from me and this was the way to do it. Independent? Right! You don’t need to cut all ties to be independent. This is obviously the “man” in her life telling her what to say and do. I know, I know, let go and let God. DAMN HARD if you ask me. Thanks for letting me vent. I am going to try and work on step one.
Finally came to this site after being encouraged by my fiance to try alanon because of the difficulties of being w/ an alcoholic who is 2 years sober. He also has mental issues such as bipolar which make him depressed and angry. He takes meds and most days he is ok. But there are times he can be sarcastic and mean and not be aware what he’s doing or somehow make it my fault. His whole family has been affected by alcohol w/ a father who drank all his life. He tells me that I can’t control his behavior only my own which is true so I’m going to try going to meetings and getting the literature. Hopefully this will help me w/ my issues and how to deal w/ them because I don’t have anyone to talk to who is close and dealing w/ a mentally ill alcoholic. He is at least going to A.A. and doing the steps. I do want to make this relationship work and I think I need the tools from alanon to help. I don’t want to give up w/o giving alanon a try as this maybe my only hope. thanks for letting me share.
I am scared, my 29 year old son is an alcohoic. He won’t admit it, doesn’t drink everyday, but when he does drink, he blacks out. He just moved home from across the country (seperated from his wife, not from drinking). He had a great week, but last night he drank and during a black out, he was jumped, beat up and his backpack with his computer, phone, glassess, everything was stolen. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. He is so smart, handsome, has his whole life ahead of him, but I feel powerless. When he is not drinking he is a pleasure to be around, has his life on track. Can anyone give me some advise? I’ve never had to deal with this before and I feel powerless. I want to help him get his life on track, but don’t want to enable him.
This afternoon’s Al-Anon meeting had some newcomers, and also folks just around for 5 to 10 meetings. These members had so much to contribute even in the short time they have been attending. Most inspiring was to hear that in a short time the rooms made a difference in their attitudes and even their situation.
One question came up about “the disease” concept of alcoholism, and the difficulty some folks were having in understanding and accepting it. It offered me the opportunity to reflect on Step One - ”We admitted …” I never really looked at the choice of the word “admitted”. It could have been “We believed, or realized, or understood” but I think the choice of “admitted” has a special relevancy. In using “admitted”, it calls for a testament. Like the admission of guilt, or defeat, or failure — these thing have no meaning in the context of secrecy. So too, admitting we are powerless over alcohol, calls for a public testament.
I resisted admitting I was powerless for 46 years. But the time came, with my Dad at his second detox, that I welcomed the opportunity. It represented freedom. I had 46 years of slavery to alcoholism, and now my willingness to admit that I was powerless set me free.
One person shared that they understood alcoholism as a mental illness. Another understood it as ”dis-ease”. And allergy was another way to understand the disease concept. I came to feel it wasn’t important to understand the issue of disease and alcoholism. All I had to do is accept and live in Step One. And if it’s difficult at first, I could fake ’til I make it. But as I enjoyed the freedom of powerlessness, it didn’t take long to believe it with my heart and soul.
I feel so lost. I`m 24 years old and my husband is alcoholic and he had a historic with drugs too. He drinks every day, he arrives home and go to the fridge to get his drinks. He is changing so much. Last month he disappear and spent a lot of money with beers (he told me that) and he left at 5 pm and came back home at 2 30 am. Next day he was so sad because he did it and promise me never ever do it again. So I trusted. Less than one month after he did it again but worst. He spent twice than the other night (we don`t have any money in our account anymore). he left at 10 30 pm e came back at 5 30 pm (next day), he was sad and said sorry. He told me he spent money with beers and gambling. I trusted he was going to chance and I gave him one more chance but today he left the job at 10 30 am but he supposed to leave at 7 00 pm and didn`t tell anyone and when I finished my job I called him and his phone was off. So, now is 10 40 m, he didnt call and his phone still off. He didn t want me to go to the meetings because he said he is not a alcoholic and I dont need to go but I really need help.
Tks for letting me share.
I’ve been married now for three years. I knew he drank when we got married, but I had no idea it was daily, or how much. At the start, I told him I really didn’t care that he drank or how much, since I couldn’t tell anyway, what harm is there? Well, it didn’t take long for me to find out what alcohol really does to him. On our honeymoon, I watched him drink himself to oblivion, so that he couldn’t remember days at a time. I just wanted to stay in our hotel room, I was so embarrassed. Each vacation since, he overdrinks at least one night, we fight, I swear I will not vacation with him again, then we come home and go to some sense of normalcy. His exwife is an addict, and he complains about how he put her throug rehab twice, but she’s back on pain pills and treating his sons like garbage. But he does the same thing to them with his drinking! It used to be once a month, but now it’s once a week, that we argue over something he said or I said and it’s no correct. This week it was taking my daughter to a girls’ weekend. He believes I said I wasn’t going, when I know I said I was going. He tried the guilt on me about mother’s day, but I wouldn’t let it happen. I don’t need to be home to babysit him. His behavior is getting to be so odd! Sending out emails at all hours of the night to his family members and coworkers, telling them that he’s going to sue them. We have businesses together and he maybe a hig functioning alcoholic, I can’t control what he is doing anymore!! He’d rather spend money on buying me jewelry then detox. This is wrong, right? I’m not going crazy, right? Reading all of these stories have really given me hope. There is something wrong when your spouse ‘punishes’ you by taking your laptop or phone after you have an argument, so you can’t work, right?? How is that being a good and supportive friend?! While caring for my dying mother, we argued over whether my glass was half full. He called me a liar, and drove the 2 hours to our home, leaving me stranded and alone. I was humiliated to be there with my family and having to explain where he went. I lied, of course, saying he had some sort of emergency. And I told myself I just need to move on and trust him again, especially after he tells me he’s sorry, or that he just doesn’t remember, so why am I making a big deal of this? I am so confused. I have even told myself, maybe I did say that, or didn’t say that, then he demands apologies from me!!! That I hurt HIS feelings, and that i’m the liar, etc. I even try to make myself feel better by watching those addict shows. He’ll watch them with me, and say, Wow! Those people are really alcoholics! You don’t drink mouthwash, you must be okay.
I will find a group and I will get myself some sanity. Thank you for this website and the important work ali non does.
Ok, I am not with my ex-boyfriend (4 years off and on) anymore but he does owe me money for taking him in when I thought he finally hit rock bottom (only as a christian friend). He got a DUI for almost causing an accident while he was on his way to a girlie bar; then he was going to kill himself afterward by car exhaust fumes in a secluded garage; he showed me the duct tape and pipe when we went to pick up his vehicle from the impound lot. I convinced myself that God intervened because He has a purpose and a plan for this man’s life which may or may not include me. Rules were simple: No drinking; no drugs; church once a week. He wanted me to be accountable for him; problem was he had a codependent woman in another town who came and picked him up and he stayed at her house for a week at a time.
When he was at my house he was sober; tried to get into drug rehab; they turned him down for assistance except for counseling. First appointment never happened; they rescheduled him. 2nd appt I dropped him off and his sister picked him up. He got up and walked out of the building before his name was called.
My exhusband (15 years) is an alcoholic who remarried an alcoholic. Drinking. adultery, and beating me ended our marriage. I do not have a drinking problem; rarely drink; it totally disgusts me to see someone drunk.
The night before I told him to leave we went to bible study (James Temptations & Trials); the more the pastor said the angrier he got and he bolted up out of his chair and ran out of the church. I stayed behind to say goodbye to friends; some people asked him about him and asked if they could go to the car to welcome him to come back the following week. That made him more mad cause he said that I told them everything about him and they would never come to the car unless I egged them on to. Next morning he was still in the mad mode; we exchanged words; he called me some names and I through an empty plastic cup which hit him by accident. I told him that I was going upstairs. I knew that he was waiting for a ride to go to work so I told him that we would talk later. He called the police. The police did not see the situation as being threatening or otherwise and left. I gave him 24 hours to get out. He did.
He’s been gone for 6 weeks; he texts when he is drunk. I care about this man but I am powerless. I have my own life and no more want to help people with addictions. I have not meant a man yet to date that is not recovering from some addiction, even at church. This man was sober for 8 years when I meant him. Our relationship was based on our christian beliefs for the 1st 2 years then boom; the drinking started; pot smoking; drunk women; porn.
It is not my life and I will not not let it consume me. Now I see my adult daughter falling into the same trap; she moved in with a man that drinks heavily and they are both still married with 8 children between them. They go church together and thank God for bringing them together. She left her husband of 5 years because he has a prescription pill problem for a man that has a drinking problem.
I AM POWERLESS I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING!
I’ve spent two years blaming myself for my boyfriend’s behavior. “If he loved me, then why does he…?” “It must be my fault somehow. I was having a bad day and yelled at him. I got angry at him for the dirty dishes in the sink. I shouldn’t have made that comment about his hair…” And on and on and on. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I share my bed with an alcoholic. It was a weight off my shoulders. His behavior isn’t my fault, nor his. He’s sick. He has a disease. And I have a choice. Do I stay or go? I don’t know the answer right now. I know that I love this man from the depths of my soul. I still have hope for him and us. I know that the road to sobriety (if he choses to go to AA) will be difficult in unimaginable ways for both of us. I also know that if something doesn’t change soon, I will lose myself, my sanity, my health, and my future in a black hole. And I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch him destroy his life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this position, but this is what my life has brought. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in this gut-wrenching struggle.
I have lived close to 2 years with an alcoholic. I want to give this a try. I have blamed him, our neighbors, and myself. If I try to control his drinking, he trashes me to the neighbors. If I don’t say anything, he drinks himself beyond control. The hardest part is I feel so betrayed. My neighbors have a party house next door (we live in a duplex) and they tell him I act like his mother and that if I’m not happy, then I should just leave. He has posted our dirty laundry on facebook and has humiliated me so many times behind my back. This breaks my heart. And he only does this when he’s drinking. I feel betrayed all the way around. My neighbor, who I thought was my friend, recently confided in me that she likes having my guy around. It keeps her husband out of the bars. He has a drinking problem as well. I know now I need to leave, I am heartbroken with all the betrayals surrounding me. I also have a teenage daughter that I love very much and this has taken a toll on her as well. I love him with all my heart, but I know I can’t see this through anymore. It’s hard enough trying to make things work with the one you love who has a drinking problem, but even worse when they are so easily influenced by others. My neighbors are justifying his drinking and telling him I shouldn’t control him. And now, I just want out. I honestly believe, in my situation, that he sees me as the bad guy, and I can’t make him understand. Now I just “pretend” everything is OK, and try to find every way to distance myself until I can leave and not look back. And the ironic part? Now that I have distanced myself, he keeps telling me how much he loves me, but keeps hanging next door, keeps drinking till he can’t stand up, and I feel like such a phony. Just biding my time until I can find somewhere else to live and protect myself. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is there a better way, cause I’m not seeing any light right now..