Jan 01 2010
Step One
“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step One.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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Step One is a doorway to a new freedom. But it was perhaps one of the hardest steps for me to really get- in my core. First of all, I did not believe that my life was unmanageable when I first came to Al-anon. I had a good job and had what the world would define as success. But my relationships were not working. I had distanced myself from family in order to pursue my personal goals and I was lonely. I was in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic who relapsed and we fought every single day. I felt betrayed by his relapse and I was angry. My solution was to get him out of my life as soon as I could. But for some reason, I began going to Al-anon meetings. It was not because I wanted to because I didn’t. Today, I believe that God led me to Al-anon so that I could learn relationship lessons that I didn’t learn as a child growing up with a prescription drug addict mother.
I stumbled over the idea that I was powerless for years in Al-anon. Invariably, my difficulties were a direct result of my refusal to accept that I was powerless over other people’s behavior. I kept trying to exert my will in order to get others, especially the alcoholic, to behave in a way that made me feel safe. When I finally let go of this notion that I could change others, I discovered that I do have a lot of power over my own behaviors and that is where my focus needs to be- on me and what I am doing. Al-anon gave me MY life back and has allowed me to let others live their lives. I married that sober alcoholic and am grateful that I did. We have a beautiful family and a beautiful life together- thanks to the help we get in Al-anon and Alcholics Anonymous!
I am reminded to practice this step on a daily basis, that I am powerless over people, places and things. Including my in-laws. When I start thinking I can get them to do things my way, or that they will quit trying to get me to do things their way – my life is unmanageable. When I start letting other people live rent-free in my head, my life is unmanageable. Thanks to the member who reminded me that I am powerless, but I am not helpless. Sometimes the best choice for me is to delay making a choice or decision, but today I recognize that I have that choice. When I give control to another person, not only is my life unmanageable – I may make that other person’s life unmanageable as well.
I used to try to “fix” every thing, every person – but with the power of my HP and the power of the program, I realized that not every thing needs “fixing” and even if it does – I might not be the best “fixer” for the job. Oh yes, I was powerless when I came here, and I will be powerless my whole life. But I have a choice about letting that powerlessness make my life unmanageable.
I will be attending my first AL-Anon meeting tonight. Thank you for your encouraging words. This Blog has given me the courage to reach out. I know it won’t be easy, I’ll probably cry. I don’t know if I am ready to talk, but I am ready to listen.
I came into my first meeting fully aware that I was powerless over alcohol (and the alcoholic) and that my life was unmanageable—and I thought I’d come here and learn how to rid our lives of the alcohol, make the alcoholic “behave himself” and that our lives would be wonderful and we’d live happily ever after!! Amen!! Thank goodness I stayed around long enough to realize that the way I’d make my life manageable was to admit and accept that I was powerless over the alcohol and the alcoholic! I can still see the sweet smiles of the ladies in my group as they watched me repeatedly try out things to control him. They just kept encouraging me to come to meetings and read the literature. Today–29 years after that first meeting–my life can still become unmanageable but now I know when it does it is because I’m out of control! And, I know this program can show me how to stay in my own business. There is no active alcoholism in my immediate family at this time but the effects of the disease of alcoholism is still with us. I’m so thankful for a program that is here for me and others.
When I came through the doors of Al-Anon, I knew I was far sicker than the alcoholic in my life. He drank and passed out which was far more normal than my crying and pounding my head against the wall; because the emotional pain was destroying me from the inside out. Even in my illness, I knew that what I was doing was totally irrational. Sane, rational people do not cry and pound their head against the wall nor do they act so bizarrely that the dog is afraid to be asked to be put outside on his leash. Feeding off of my insanity, the dog sat in the corner and shook and peed on himself and the floor; because he was to afraid of me and my bizarre behavior to go to the door to be put out on his leash. It took me some time in the program to realize just how abusive I’d been to the poor dog in my neglect of him. There I was–35, married for the first time, married less than a year, 850 miles away from my family, living in a town where my spouse was the only person I knew, scared to death, and to embarrassed to admit that to my family that I had screwed up one more time. It was the hope which I found in my first meeting which kept me coming back.
As I began to recover slowly, I began to understand the depths to which I had sunk in my despair and pain. Much later I would come to understand that one of the reasons those women scared me so badly was because I had given away
the essence of myself trying to pacify everyone in my life whether they were alcoholic or not. I did not have the faintest idea who I was or what I wanted much less how to smile or enjoy myself.
In the time since that first meeting, I have had many Step One experiences as a result of living life like a loose flowing robe instead of a girdle. Two of those experiences which come to mind are coming to terms with my learning disabilities so I wouldn’t be afraid to share in meetings and the four year workman’s comp battle which ultimately ended in my being declared disabled. As a result of this program, I was able to handle those challenges without them destroying me.
Each day I work Steps One, Two, Three, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve; however Step One remains the most crucial, since I have no hope of a manageable life if I do not admit that my own actions can make life unmanageable.
When I was guided to Al-Anon 21 years ago I was a despairing, lost and confused woman with a little 3-year-old boy to raise alone. I came in carrying 31 years of burden from growing up with the disease in my home and not knowing how to get out from under the nagging voices of hate, resentment, guilt, fear…oh yes FEAR. It followed me everywhere and sapped the life out of me. I was soon told I was powerless over it all. I was powerless over the past. I couldn’t change it but I could change me. I was even powerless to change ME without the guidance of a Higher Power.
I was powerless over anything outside of me: of people places and things. This meant I had to accept that control was a defect I had to come to terms with. I came to recognize that when my life became unmanageable I needed to discover what exactly I was trying to control. A person? A thing? A feeling? A thought/s? The future? The past? My life? It could have been be any of a number of things but if I wanted peace I had to discover what it was and then surrender into Step2.
Step 1 will always be the indicator of unmanageability but also the bridge to a growth passage as I move my way through the rest of the steps. Without recognizing my unmanageability today (where denial once predominated) how can I move forward? So today when I feel unmanageability seeping into my mind and heart I think of it as a gift. I KNOW now that as I move onward I will surrender and learn more about ME. Having had many, many unmanageable times as a result of my life being impacted by alcoholic loved ones, I trust today that God has a gift in it for me and God will iron out the kinks in my life and continue to grace me with a quality of life that resonates of Peace, Faith, and Joy and HOPE for others.
I was raising 3 children, & “putting up” with my alcoholic husband, whom I called my 4th child, & worst one. I became so worn out from trying to manage everything, that I cried out to my God in desperation. He led me to my first Alanon meeting. I talked with others in the beginners meeting. I read the slogans up on the meeting-room wall. I listened, & tried working the slogans. It helped. But when I was guided to take the first step I balked. “Who, me? .. my life unmanageable ?” I was the only one taking care of the family. I knew how to manage – So I thought. Well, as I listened, and learned, I discovered that I wasn’t doing so well, & that was why I was so upset. Step one was one of the hardest steps for me, but I did come to admitt that I was powerless over alcohol, and a lot of other things, as well.
That was the beginning of a long journey with the alanon program as my guide, & I am eternally grateful that I was led to Alanon, & learned to make it a part of my life. My life became much more serene as a result.
Fear sat behind everything I did yesterday. Oh I kept moving forward telling myself, I am powerless and not God’s answer. HP made that clear by 14 inches of new heavy snow. I was not going anywhere. And yet worry ate at me the longer the phone did not ring. I kept turning away from the phone and doing my day. My way was different but held no serenity. My doing finally led me to a loving action in place of worry. It was as simple as making a dinner plate wrapped in the refrigerator for when ever. It was something that helped me let go. I love an alcoholic. It is easier to love him and let him go then to love myself. Perhaps next time I’ll practice making phone calls to Al-Anon friends. Progress not perfections. I hope you heard something that helps you come back. HUGS
When I first came to program, it was to help the alcoholic in my life to stay sober. I thought that was what you would all teach me. Then I stayed because you showed me a way of life that was better then anything I could have imaged. Step One, admitted I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanagable. Well, I might have some problems “managing” to keep him sober, but my life was not unmanagable. I was not powerless. Just some small issues to clear up, like his drinking, the kids not minding, the money not being enought,ect. and then, perfect bliss. I stayed long enough to hear what was being said and to start working on me and my issues, not him and his issues. I came to see where my life was unmanagable due to my continued efforts to try and control an uncontrolable disease. Today I know that I am powerless over anything over an inch outside my body. Me, that is what I have the power over. My thoughts, my actions and reactions. That is it. My life has become much more managable because, and this is the big one for me, I am no longer in charge of anything. Not him, not them, not the universe not even me. I have a wonderful HP whom I trust today to manage my life. I still need to do the footwork, but he decides my course. This did not come easy or fast. It was a very long and sometimes painful process, but the rewards are so many. Today I have a serenity that I never knew exisited. I have a sense of purpose and dignity. Today I take steps one, two, and three on a daily basis, sometimes much more frequently then that if needed. I still have the ability to allow my life to become chaotic and unmanagable, but I know that it is up to me to do what I need to do to maintain my serenity. Daily reading of CAL, prayer/meditation with my HP, contact with other program people, working my program to the best of my ability. That is what I try to do on a daily basis. Thank you all for allowing me to stay long enough to hear what was being said.
I am in the situation where my BF is the alcoholic. I have the power to leave this situation, if I so choose to. When I met him, he was sober 2 years. Slowly, he progressed back to alcohol as a way to deal with the stressful issues and problems in his life. We have no children, no shared asset, but we have lived together over a year. I finally said to him that I am unhappy and the major problem is the way he deals with his issues – using alcohol. He is planning on going back to AA, starting Monday as he too feels that he needs to start with himself and learn to love himself again before he can start working on our relationship. I do like this idea, but I dont know how long I can do this anymore. If this does not work, our relationship is over and that is so sad because he IS a wonderful human being, he just lets alcohol take over his problems and used as his coping mechanism. I read the first step. I accept I have no control over him and his behaviors. I have tried talking to him many times about coping differently, etc. But it all gets ignored and he goes back to alcohol to cope with his issues. Ive never felt his drinking was “my fault” I just do not want to enable him and but alcohol for him (as part of the grocery bill). I dont really drink myself. But, as in the podcast, i do relate to one person who stated that they realized they are not at fault. I do accept alcoholism is a disease and I need to see him start to get himself and his problems under control because it seriously effects our relationship. I just do not know how much mre of this I can take. I figure the only thing to do is stand by him, see how he does and see how he starts treating the relationship and go from there. I can easily leave, but I really feel that he is worth supporting through “recovery.”
Step one is such a powerful step and I feel I keep revisiting it. The alcoholic in my life is in a recovery centre and is struggling with his stuff. Nearly four years into Alanon and I am still having to remind myself that ‘I am powerless’ there really is nothing I can do to help him, and my task is to work at keeping the focus on myself and my ‘getting better’ and not having my head with him, and obsessed by him. It’s a daily challenge, however, the programme does help, talking to other alanon’s does help, listening to the podcasts I particularly find helpful and reading alanon literature does help. To accept powerlessness and that I cannot make my alcoholic better does make me sad but it is necessary for both our sakes. I am very grateful for the wisdom I have heard and been shown in Alanon.
Step One “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives were unmanageable.”
Before I first came to Al-Anon I was desperate. I felt isolated, alone, helpless, fearful and desolate. I started looking for help for me. I thought I was the problem. One day I was watching an ad on TV about alcoholism and had a moment of awareness. I thought maybe that is part of our problem. Today I know that awareness was a gift from the God of my understanding. I began to surrender and I was led to an Al-Anon meeting about an hour from my home.
I felt I had tried everything possible and failed. I was under the illusion that if I just did the right thing, he would change. The last straw was when he pulled out his winter jacket for the first of the cold weather and a button was missing. He said” If you were a good wife, you would take care of these things.” Then he got angry and said he was going out. As I felt the weight of his guilt and shame dumped on me, I had another moment of clarity then that his outburst was another excuse to drink and to diminish me. Al-Anon taught me the 3 Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure it.
I was more than willing to surrender this burden of misplaced responsibility, BUT I was afraid. My sponsor told me I could find a simple prayer to help me. I began to pray, “God, teach me to trust you.”
Slowly, I began to trust my sponsor and the program, then God. When I surrendered the belief that I could change a disease, then my old beliefs began falling like dominoes in a row. I began to replace my illusions with the truth about alcoholism. My mind was opened and I began a new way of life – the Al-Anon way. I had begun to find the gifts of our program.
Al-Anon taught me that I needed to change my attitudes and my behavior. Because of this experience and others, I began to search out the meaning of attitude. I asked for guidance from my Higher Power, the courage to follow through and wisdom to make those changes. I came to believe that an attitude is a belief or beliefs infused with emotion. As I uncovered long buried beliefs and emotions, my attitude began to change. Then my behavior changed. I had learned I had a choice about what I believe and what I do. I am still following this process years later as I strive for an ever deeper understanding of this spiritual way of life, because it works. I have learned to “Trust the Process.”
I’ve always known I was powerless over alcohol. I learned that from my mother. I learned to be quiet and not complain, I learned to keep the family secrets. As I got older, I realized my life had become unmanageable. Even though I acted as though the dis-ease didn’t affect me, it had. I had never learned to take care of myself, I had learned to take care of others who suffered from this dis-ease. I didn’t realize, until after many hours in many rooms, that my mother was an “adult child” who had suffered much physical and emotional abuse as the result of alcohol. I lived with emotional abuse, and didn’t understand what I had done wrong. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I’ve learned that as a small child I was powerless to change the feelings I was taught, and I’ve learned that as an adult, I have the ability to change those feelings. Through prayer and meditation, attending meetings, sharing with my sponsor, being of service to my district and the support of my service sponsor, I am finally learning to manage my feelings. I still slip and I suspect I always will. Today, I remember this First Step, reciting each word and truly admit that I am powerless over alcohol and all it’s sneaky friends – those ” ‘isms”, but by using the Steps, the Meetings and my relationship with my Higher Power, my life is manageable – One Day at a Time.
For most of my life people asked me for advice. Maybe it was because I was such a smug know-it-all, who always had an answer for everything. Or maybe it was because people knew that I would hit them over the head with my opinions whether they asked or not. I used to have such a high opinion of myself and my opinions.
When the disease of alcoholism brought me to my knees, I crawled into the rooms of Al-Anon as a beaten-down soul. The person who always had all the answers finally learned to ask for help. To listen. To ask questions.
I studied the first step. I went to a step study group where we discussed one step for three weeks of each month. I talked to my sponsor and others about what I was studying, learing and doing. I came to believe that alcoholism is a disease. A family disease. And that I was as powerless over alcoholism as I was over cancer or diabetes.
I also learned something about myself and step one. I learned that if I was struggling with the first step, then it was almost certain I wasn’t minding my own business. Learning to mind my own business and take care of myself is the only way I can work step one effectively…. I have to be aware of my motives when I start getting caught up in that vortex of trying to control something or someone outside of myself. Thank God I am getting better.
When I realized at a meeting that we would be addressing Step One in my home group, I felt first relief, then joy. As I examined my feelings, I realized that as my responsibilities had increased in the past six months, so had my feelings of needing to “take charge”, “do it all”, and similar unhealthy ideas. I embraced the relief in the knowledge that there is so much, almost everything in the world, over which I am powerless. It feels good to acknowledge that I may have a little bit of power and control over myself, but even then I consistently need to lean on my Higher Power to help me through every single day. I felt joy as I knew once again that I didn’t have to fix anyone but myself. Then I felt freedom, knowing I can focus on being the best, only “me” there is…and I can let others do the same. It is good to round the corner and see the beloved first step waiting there for me time after time. It does me good to re-evaluate and review. I am humbled, which is a good thing. And I love the fact that I can apply Step One to more than alcohol; it also applies to almost everything in my world, and that is both relief and joy to me.
Thanks to my Higher Power for giving us powerful tools. I know I can simplify my life with the tools of the program, giving up illusions of power or control over others. This is an important part of my program. Thankfully, we have the Steps as one of our many tools, making our lives better and better.
My marriage was falling apart. I was convinced my wife was the problem. My wife was convinced I was the problem. Obviously one of us was wrong. I never considered that both of us may be wrong.
A friend referred me to an Al-Anon adult children’s group. I was not living in active alcoholism; I had grown up in it. When I first heard Step One, I was told to replace the words “powerless over alcohol” with the words “powerless over people places and things”. That made more sense to me, but I was still not convinced I was powerless. I believed if I just did the right thing, I could favorably influence the people and circumstances in my life.
As time passed, I began seeing the more I did the worse things got. I found myself doing the same things again and again expecting different results. I was told this was insanity. I soon realized my fundamental problem was not just what I was doing, but my distorted thinking. It was my distorted thinking that led to my actions, and my actions were contributing to my problems not resolving them.
When I tried to change my thinking, I was quickly convinced that I was powerless. Even when I was convinced my thinking was incorrect, I found it difficult to change my thinking. The thoughts had been ingrained into my very being. I was told to keep coming back.
I did keep coming back, and over time as members in my group shared their experience, strength and hope, my thinking changed. As my thinking improved, my reactions and behaviors improved.
Adversity and problems still occur in my life, but most of the time I no longer contribute to them thanks to Al-Anon.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I felt like I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I never lived my life for myself, but instead to be there for others whenever they needed me, at any cost. I constantly lived in the pain that comes from watching my family struggle with this disease.
Step one helped me realize that although my intentions were good, I was fighting the wrong battles. It is futile to try to stop the progression of this disease in others, and when I try to do so, I sacrifice my own health and well being. I realized that being powerless over alcohol is admitting that the disease of alcoholism effects me as well as my family members. Because dealing with alcoholism means dealing with things like depression, low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness, this disease is as progressive and potentially fatal for me as it is for my family members. I realized that I need help learning to live my own life. Something had to change.
As the ideas of step one sank in for me, I started to feel the weight of my shoulders lift. I frowned less. The wrinkles on my forehead became less pronounced. I knew that there is a treatment for this disease, and as long as I was honest, and kept working the program, I would find relief.
I am grateful beyond words for the program and for all of my fellow Al-Anon members.
In (very grateful) recovery
Beverly W.
Yes, going to meetings changed my life. I used to isolate, try to solve everyone else’s problems. Be the answer man for everyone else. I was so tired helping all of you that I couldn’t even see that I needed help myself. Meetings allow me to hear what my inner spirit needs to hear from the voices who are in the meeting. It’s a safe place because we don’t give advice, force anyone to make a choice they aren’t ready for, or do anything other than to keep coming back to meetings.
I went to my first meeting when I had no place else to turn. We don’t have to be desparate before the program will help us, we just have to be willing. See you at a meeting soon.
This is the first time I have checked out this website or even considered going to a meeting. I have dealt with alcoholism in my family my whole life. I was abused by a step father for most of my life who was a severe alcoholic. I am now in a relationship with someone who is a recovering alcoholic. I have gone to AA meetings with him and people there have suggested that I should go to Al Anon but I have never felt that it was for me. I am now wondering if I shouldnt explore it and see what its about and maybe attend my first meeting. I have never dealt with any of the issues from the past and going to the AA meetings with my spouse is bringing up alot of emotions I never came to terms with.
For those of you that attend meetings do you think it would be helpful?
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.
After all these years in Al-Anon, one would think that my life is manageable. Time and time again, however, I find my mind abuzz with many thoughts. What am I to do next? Who do I need to fix now? Why does my life turn back to its unmanageable state? Sometimes it is because I don’t know what to do/not do regarding newly discovered alcoholism in a friend or family member. Sometimes it is because I become obsessed with helping a whole host of people—even though those people never asked for my help. Sometimes even service in Al-Anon gets so intense that I lose all sense of priority and importance.
At least now I am aware when I return to my unmanageable state. Being aware is the gift that Al-Anon has given me. Once aware, I pause. I stop what I am doing. Sometimes I just get out of the house for awhile. I take a walk or work in the garden. I give it a rest, so to speak. Sometimes I call an Al-Anon friend and vent my frustrations. Most recently, on discovering that a close relative’s drinking problem was much more severe that I had thought, I just stopped thinking about the problem for several days. I sort of took a vacation from the problem. I discovered that what took years to break wasn’t going to be fixed in a day, week, or perhaps year. I was able to pray about the situation. I was able to talk to a family member about the situation.
At least now I am okay with myself. I know that I can accept the things that I cannot change.
I practise Step One and Step Two, as well as detaching with love, when I leave it to my brother and his Higher Power as to when and if he avails himself of the rooms and fellowship of AA and the known help there.
I practise Step One and boundaries when I don’t attempt to precipitate a crisis or avert a crisis that would happen in the normal course of events. (re: advise and offering opinions, esp to an alcoholic … 1. Is someone’s life in imminent danger? 2. Did they ask?)
It’s difficult for those in my family to understand that I AM working an Al-Anon program, when what they see is grounded in my understanding of the First Step. I am Powerless over Alcohol.
I had no illusions about my life being unmanageable. My husband was making more than $100,000 a year, but we lived in a tiny travel trailer, without heat, sometimes without water. I had 3 children in diapers, and often the washer was broken or frozen up. We were supposedly building a house, except the people he hired to do that didn’t know what they were doing. I was angry all the time, miserable. Even our sewage was a problem. Hot water was scarce. He was abusive to me and the children, and I felt completely helpless to change or fix anything. The harder I tried to make him see, the more angry and abusive he became. I was suicidal, lonely, cut off from everyone. In constant emotional pain.
My life is so different today! It is strange to go back in time and realize how much has changed. I live in my own little house with my son. My daughters are very successful in another city. I have no one telling me what I should be doing. I read Al-Anon literature every day, attend meetings more than once a week, share online. Sometimes I find myself offering advice and counsel that has not been asked for. But I try to learn to reach out, speak, phone, share, and be a friend to others. I don’t push. Now that I’m unemployed, I try to enjoy life, reading, writing a little, watching videos, investigating online, learning a little about the world. I try to get exercise, get sunshine–such a glorious spring!–take care of my flowers a little, cook new things. Life is very slow for me, but it is also very pleasant. I am content and happy most of the time.
I have been attending Al anon off and on for several years, and I can’t say enough good things about it. I am currently separated, well sorta, from my alcoholic husband. Been mariied for 25 years and it’s been a battle from the begining. I was given this site at the last meeting I attended and have enjoyed listening to the pod cast on the 12 steps. I am starting over with step 1 and will follow thru with the others. I know I am powerless over this disease and I know my life has become unmanagable and I really like adding the words I am powerless over people and things! I have tried to control everything and I cant do it anymore.
I use to attend al anon reguarly, but haven’t attened in years. Grew up in acholic home had two acoholic husbands. And have been having alot of depression and know it is my way of thinking. When i was going to al anon was getting better so know it work’s if you work it.
When I admitted I was powerless over alcohol, people, places and things, it was a first step into learning to ask for help. I had a hard time admitting alcoholism is a disease, but slowly I have learned compassion.
I had no trouble admitting that my life was unmanageable. That had been my operating rule for decades. I was excellent at turning my will and life over to the alcoholic and then feeling guilty for everything that went wrong.
Coming into an Al-Anon meeting and hearing the hope and help was the beginning of recovery. It has been a long road, and I’m not done, but today that’s a good thing. It ain’t over till it’s over.
No matter how severe and complex my own problems, I have found that the beginning of help and hope for all of them is found in the First Step. When I can admit that something is wrong that I cannot fix, then I am getting ready to find a new way. This new way has given me the first peace I have ever known. It gets better every day.
I very easily addmitted I was powerless over Alcohol, the way people reacted to my behavior and life in general. But admiting and doing are worlds apart. I was first exposed to AA, NA and Al-Anon in 1985 and was grateful as it gave me the strength to leave a bad marriage. Then I left recovery behind.
It was not until March 5, 2008 when my wife entered recovery that I started to view recovery differently. My wife was getting better but I was not. So, within a week of her startring recovery I started recovery and have grown up since my first meeting.
I was able to fully appreciate being powerless when I made a choice to do something my wife did not want me to do; start riding my bicycle (there was a valid reason for her to feel this way).
In fact, she had even threatened me with divorce if I ever rode it again. Because physical exercise is my way to release stress and I cannot run do to injuries suffered in a fall, riding was my prefered outlet. I am not a swimmer. My stress was out of control and in spite of my sife being sober, our marriage was at it’s lowest point in over 20 years.
Knowing I was powerless over how she would react, I chose to ride my bicycle. My statement to her was, “I am unhappy, you are unhappy and I am going to do something that makes me happy; ride my bicycle. I have not been true to myself by not riding it due to your fears. Those are your fears, not mine, and I have to do this for me”.
She did not file for divorce and in fact within a week our marriage experienced a rebirth. That was August of 2008, one week after my father died. I write this on October 5th, 2010 8 days after my wife died unexpectedly from what, we don’t know yet.
It hits me constantly that she will no longer be by my side, and it is devestating, yet, I am powerless over that and choose to live my life to honor her commitment to AA by working my Al-Anon program till I die.
Step One: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.
As a newcomer I had a lot to learn about alcoholism and recovery. Experienced members suggested I “learn to listen and then listen to learn.” In a kind way, they said, “Your way isn’t working” and explained that Al-Anon offered a proven program of recovery from the family disease of alcoholism.
One of the first things I had to do to practice Step One was understand alcoholism. I did this by reading our literature, going to open AA speaker meetings and talking to members of my home group. I did not believe that alcoholism is a disease. I thought my family members were drinking out of ornery selfishness and that they could – and should- just stop it.
I clung to this idea until I saw that newcomers who had accepted alcoholism is a disease were making more progress in Al-Anon than I was. They were less angry, more hopeful and more serene. So I decided that I would accept the idea in spite of my disbelief. I visualized the idea as putting on a jacket that belonged to another member and that I could take it off at any time. Basically, I borrowed the belief of those who believed.
This worked for me. I was able to stop blaming my alcoholic family for my problems and begin to have a tiny bit of compassion for them. Since then, I have read a lot about alcoholism, and have come to believe that it is a disease.
As a beginner, I also had to accept that I did not have answers and that I needed help to solve life’s problems. This was possible to accept because of my home group. It was a loving group and for the first time, I felt safe admitting my vulnerability.
My sponsor taught me to make lists. List ten things I have tried (and failed) to change. List the consequences of those attempts. List ten ways my life feels unmanageable. Seeing the reality of my situation by writing it down was effective for me. I had to admit how out of control I felt.
Now that I am not a newcomer, I still work the First Step. I incorporate it into Step Ten, which I do in the evening, and Step Eleven, which I like to do in the morning. I constantly find myself thinking I can change something that I cannot. When I accept my lack of power I feel relief.
When I study Step One in our literature I see the words acknowledge, admit, accept. Sometimes I have to meditate on what these words mean in order to let go of things I cannot change.
Both my first home group and our literature introduced me to the idea of focusing on myself instead of focusing on what I cannot change. If I find myself obsessively thinking about someone else’s problems, I replace those thoughts with the words “focus on myself” and then find something to do that is centered in my life and my world. For me, “Focus on Myself” is a Step One slogan.
Thank you for posting and reading!
E.
son is heroin addict and in treatment facility. I am powerless over drugs and his choices and my life without my Higher Power is definitely unmanagable. I find it so much easier to support my son’s recovery efforts when I am caring for myself.
I attended my first meeting last week because after seventeen years I WAS READY TO CHANGE ME.I can no longer shift all the blame for my pain onto my alchoholic husband ,I have to find the courage for myself to be responsible for me.I have wept rivers of tears again and again and its an absolute revelation to me to even think that I am completely powerless over alchohol.I laughed and cried all the way through my first meeting but for the first time was able to show my husband genuine and heartfelt commpasion ,probably for the first time in our lives.I also realise that my behaviours are just as destructive to our children as his,I know now that I can change mine this is my first step to hope …thank you alanon
Thank God for this site – and for all of you who have shared so freely with your stories, hopes, prayers – and yes, pain and suffering.
My wife is an alcoholic. She hides it from her family – and tries to hide it from our friends.
I have felt guilt, pain – a level of stress that has at times been almost unmanageable.
Ihvae been through many years of therapy and 12 stp programs and meetengs.
I’ve been living with the disease of alcholism allmy life including my childhood.
My husband’s drinking and the deep denialon his part has had deep and painful and very negative effect on all our lives, me and the kids. I’m so sick and tired of being blamed for allhis drinkig and his problems.I’m exsausted from the emotional roller-coaster in our marriage,I’m exsausted of his control ,lies and constsnt blame for our dysfunctional lives.
Kids have taken his side for the longest time.
He lost his job of 25 years for good and our finances are in a totaldisaster due to him mismanaging household income.
We are often tight with money’s but he always has money,s to buy all the booze he wants.
If I go to Al-Ateen meetengs he gets angry with me and complains at me for going for wrong help and he always finds a way to see wherw I’m going and to who I’m talking and what abot and when I come home he thrws it in my face.
I’m so sick and tired and exsausted from pain and missery and feelins of helplesnesses and I’m beat up and beat down from his control,lies denial and games.
No matter how hard I try to work on myself and how hard I try to change ME only,he always finds away to undermine me and to sabotage my efforts with myself.
Ido not know how much longer I can live like this
Sincerely J.D.O. ontario
I have never attended an Al Anon meeting. I am slowly learning that I am powerless over situations in everyday life. My boyfreind tells me that everyday. I have alcohlics in my life. one set of grandparents as well as others that were close to me. He recommended I go to Al Anon meetings. I found this website. It is comforting to know that ther are others out there that are going through the same things.
I am finding that I am brought to my knees once again regarding surrendering to my Higher Power’s Will for me. This spills into my thinking I AM TOTALLY ON MY OWN and ALONE in this myriad of experiences we call life and softens those thoughts with a gentle embrace, a reminder, I AM Loved. I am somebody’s child. I can be vulnerable to Spirit. I am spending a “solo” “quieting” afternoon to bring in my energies, reflect and ask the God of my understanding to show up for me as I am willing to humble my Self and “ask for help” “put my Self out there” and be willing to set my life in conscious motion to do God’s will.
“Dear Higher Power, I am open to the brilliant ways you are gracing my life. I trust as I write this and say just what I need to hear we are comforted. I am gentle with my Self and willing to listen and place my Self in the right place at the right time because I am in alignment with you. I am also very thankful that I am taking these moments to speak in prayer and recognize that my path is made clear as I comfort my Self in the faithfilled awareness of your Presence with me.”
I am grateful for this opportunity to write some words, from my heart, as I listen and learn a little bit more. It is in the stillness that I learn how to fly! It is in prayer that I speak from my heart and listen too.
The Program gives me such a beautiful opportunity to be practically sppiritual and supported and to integrate a deep part of my soul into dedicating my life to Love and Serve. Isn’t it wonderful this is a “we” program, we are not alone!
I have been living with alcoholism and drug addiction for about 20 years. Its a vicious cycle and now as I look at myself I am amazed at the negative impact it has had on me. Powerless and unmanageable describe how my life has been, especially for the last 6 years. As I work this step, it is a huge weight lifted of off my shoulders. I have tried and tried to fix the alcoholics in my life, but now realize I cant. Once I realized what a freeing feeling it was for me to give up the power I so wanted, I started using it in my every day life and its just amazing the amount of calmness that comes out of it all. I may not have the power over the alcoholic, but I do have the power over myself and my actions.
I have been visiting with family that does not get together very often as my fathers alcoholism and other behaviors caused us all to move all around the country. It’s very sad to see the damage done even though my dad is long dead. Thank you for the reminder that I am powerless over alcohol and all the people in my life that have been affected by it. We have been visiting now for four days and it’s insane. The back biting and jealousy are over whelming…and it’s all done in secret…whispers here…whispers there and my mother lives in the sea of denial. It’s so sad…I really needed to find this page tonight….thank you….
I to intend to start attending meetings. It is my gift to myself. I can tell you all, that no matter how old you are (I am in my 50′s), unless you take the time to address your learned responses to life’s issues, it is possible that occasionally your responses continue to be somewhat skewed.
Now, passing mid-life, and after the death of my alcoholic father this spring, I no longer wish to be held prisoner by the fear and distrust I have learned to carry around and hide.
My childhood responses have no place in my life today. I am ever thankful that organizations like this exist. I am a moderately successful professional who wonders what life would have been like had I addressed MY issues early in life. And I also wonder what great things are are still to come!
Thanks for listening! j
I am going to attend a meeting soon. Living with an alcoholic husband for 14 years now and don’t know how much longer I can take it. I don’t want it to affect our children. Husbands dad was an alcoholic also and I am now scared for my children. Thanks for sharing all the stories. This site is helping me already.
I feel like once again, I am on a search for something or someone to help my husband. My husband has been drinking for almost 40 years. I have been in an alcohol controled marriage for over 25. Do I still love him? yes! Can I make him stop. NO! I have no control over the alcohol and how much and when he choses to imbibe. I have given this to God and took it back on my shoulders so many times I can’t count. It seems like a cycle. God controls it not me. I just pray for enough hope and grace to see it through. Now for the real problem, How do I control myself. What do I really want to be and do? How do I accomplish this with an alcoholic husband who always seems to do the exact opposite of what needs to be done. Can I hold on and just let go let God? These are all the questions I ask myself. The world outside of home(even a non alcoholic home) is really cruel. I just have to pray more and remember we all have skeletons in our closets. God bless ya’ll and thanks for letting me share.
unmanageable …. describes it well. myself, I am still in the thick of things.
my husband has been struggling with alcoholism for years and clearly I do not know how to deal with it. anger, does not work. trying to find a way to cope that will cause the kids the lest amount of distress. wish someone could just tell me to stay OR go?
Powerless, life unmanageable… I couldn’t believe that someone could describe my life so completely and this was step 1.
My first meeting changed my life. Reading “One step at a time” comforts me when things are bad.
I will probably be on step one for a long time.
When I came to al-anon I knew I was powerless over the alcoholic and the disease . 15 years with my husband and growing up with it , at age 38 I had had enough !
I was at an emotional bottom and I was giving up on everything in my life and and ready to get out it was only a matter of HOW !
al-anon saved my life ! I was powerless over alcohol and its effects , I was powerless over the alcoholics and their tornadoes , and most all and my deepest denial ! i was powerless over the disease of alcoholism ….
TODAY I have the POWER in my life because of the 12 steps and the fellowship ! I am no longer powerless and my life is no longer UNMANAGEABLE (MY INSIDES ARE AT PEACE) ! THANKS to the love and friendship I am blessed to have in life EVERYDAY ! AND EVERYDAY MEANS EVERYDAY !
MY HOPE IS FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE STRUGGLING WITH THIS DISEASE TO FIND THE POWER OF THIS PROGRAM AND HOLD ONTO TO IT !!! IT WORKS ! IT REALLY DOES….
Oh dear you are all so posh
I have an 18 yo son that I took to a residential treatment facility yesterday for pot. It’s not alcohol, but it was recommended I attend some of these meetings. I feel like such a failure as a mom, I did not raise him to think this was a way of life. My exhusband is an alcoholic and my greatest fear is my son will follow in his footsteps. Son understands dad has a problem, and won’t be around him if he’s drinking, yet doesn’t see what he’s doing to our family.
I feel broken and lost.
Its hard for me to admit tthis when if I stay home he won’t drink but if I go do anything he gets trashed
My Mother is one of the alcoholics in my life — main benefit of Al-Anon was breaking free from neurotic behaviour patterns…Finally able to live my own life.
She continues to drink, but although I cannot stop her drinking I can choose my reaction.
My husband comes home from Rehab in 5 days – I am nervous and hopeful. I will attend my first meeting this Saturday at 10. I am not sure what to expect. My ex was an alcoholic and I went to Al anon meetings and never felt like I fit in so I went to private counseling. I think I need to stick it out more and see if I can make it work. I know, in my mind, that I am powerless – but I was starting to “count” the number of beers he had which indicates that I was acting crazy thinking I could control what he was doing. Finally around Memorial Day – after a two day drunken spree he ended up in the hospital and in rehab. I hope the twelve steps will help me once I learn how to apply them. I have been reading a lot and thinking about what I want and what needs to change but I need the support to not fall back into old patterns. As I said – I did this once before with my ex and I am disappointed I am right back here again. I wonder if I will ever get it figured out permanently.
To those who think your alone….your not I’ve dealt with this all my life not only watching my parents do it but others as well and I thought I did something wrong. But I come to realize that it wasn’t me….it was them and they were doing it to themselves. I went to my first meeting because I felt anger inside…didn’t know why maybe from other past experiences but I knew it was more then that. Lucky for me I wasn’t alone my sister invited me so I decided to go just to see what it was about and it suprised me to know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. I’m gonna continue to go to these meetings not just for myself but for those who feel they can’t. Remember it’s you that makes the choice on what you want to do to take back control of your life….not them. God Bless and be strong. We’re all here for you….even though you may seem like your alone.
Sincerley
BCL
The First Step is part of my daily life. I am powerless over people’s choices on how they respond or react to the effects of the disease of alcoholism. There is one occasion that stands out as a case where a huge emotional log jam was released as a result of working this step.
A month before my first wife died and 10 months into treatments for cancer, things were extremely tense at home. I was at work from 5:30 to 5 every day and returning home was stressful. I was entering a bee hive of emotionally distraught people. They were all deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism and none were in recovery in Al-Anon. For a few weeks one relative acted as if I did not exist when I arrived home. She was in anguish over her relative’s deteriorating health and her stress was coming out as anger directed at me. Her form of expression was to shut me out as I have done to so many people in my life. I was living my life and trying to be loving and supportive to my wife and all of her many friends and relatives but I was struggling with taking care of myself in such a stressful circumstance.
One day I stopped at my favorite restaurant for a bowl of soup on my way home. I sat there exhausted and dreading my having to arrive to my home filled with loving, smiling yet stressed people. I pulled out my P4 Alcoholism, A Family Disease booklet and read the 12 steps slowly and deliberately, pondering on the broken relationship I had with that relative who was giving me the silent treatment. I fully realized and fully accepted the fact that I was powerless over her choice on how she handles the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. My life had become unmanageable by my taking her treatment of me personally. I was emotionally out of balance. Even with 7 years in recovery I was having suicidal thoughts as a way to escape this overwhelmingly difficult situation.
When I got home an hour later than usual no one complained or questioned me. When I encountered the silent relative I felt deep love and compassion for her. My emotional log jam had broken loose and I felt freed, even in my house filled with people. For the next month I continued to take care of myself with the help of friends in Al-Anon. Taking care of me was getting to meetings several times a week and taking several weeks off from work before and after my wife died. The term alcohol in Step 1 has come to be very broad in my mind. I personally think that every person on earth has been affected by this disease at some level. Admitting that I am powerless over alcohol is now part of my inner soul and impacts how I respond to others in all relationships in my life.
You know looking at myself and working on me is the hardest thing about all this. It’s me that’s the problem. My reactions. My perceptions. My emotions being triggered by what? Always something to look at, admit and decide what to do with.
I am not alone. So many others struggling the same way….no unique individuals in this. All our stories sound so familiar.
It has to stop some where…..has to stop with me. Break the chain. Stop the cycle. Make the stand….the buck stops here.
Admit the truth….can’t handle this. Too much. Stress is intense. Body can’t handle it.
God can handle all things. I’m not meant to take all this on.
Let go. It’s not up to me. I am not responsible for the alcoholic…he is for himself.
Love the unlovely with God’s help and see where that takes me. Wait. Hold on. Trust.
I can’t tell anyone else what will work for them or what would be the best solution in terms of leaving or staying. I can tell you that going to an Al-Anon meeting was the last thing that I thought could help me. I didn’t see how talking to more people about how bad it was could make it better. It did but only because I found out that I wasn’t alone and that other people were living with similar problems as mine and yet they were smiling. Al-Anon Family Groups taught them and me how to live our lives and leave the alcoholic to a Power greater than me or anyone else. I began to understand that other people’s opinions of me and what was right and wrong were none of my business. At those meetings, I found people who didn’t judge me. They asked me how I was doing and they really wanted to hear the answer. When I would respond with a statement that was based on the alcoholic’s behavior, they would gently remind me that wasn’t the question. I know what the ache and confusion of living with alcoholism does to someone because it did it to me. I also know that Al-Anon can work for me regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn’t do. The woman who invited me to go to my first meeting also became my first sponsor. She was loving and gentle as she reminded me that taking care of me first was the greatest act of love for everyone I cared about. The irony was that before she said that I didn’t even consider the impact of not taking care of myself because I always was so busy trying to fix everyone else.
Hope to see you in a meeting soon. Someone like me will be there with a smile, a hug (if you want), and an open heart. I know it sounds too good to be true. I know that it’s so because those meetings prove it to me week after week.