Comments on: Step One

By: jlh

jlh — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 00:35:53 +0000

I to intend to start attending meetings. It is my gift to myself. I can tell you all, that no matter how old you are (I am in my 50’s), unless you take the time to address your learned responses to life’s issues, it is possible that occasionally your responses continue to be somewhat skewed.

Now, passing mid-life, and after the death of my alcoholic father this spring, I no longer wish to be held prisoner by the fear and distrust I have learned to carry around and hide.

My childhood responses have no place in my life today. I am ever thankful that organizations like this exist. I am a moderately successful professional who wonders what life would have been like had I addressed MY issues early in life. And I also wonder what great things are are still to come!

Thanks for listening! j

By: JLS

JLS — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 05:18:50 +0000

I am going to attend a meeting soon. Living with an alcoholic husband for 14 years now and don’t know how much longer I can take it. I don’t want it to affect our children. Husbands dad was an alcoholic also and I am now scared for my children. Thanks for sharing all the stories. This site is helping me already.

By: Kathy

Kathy — Wed, 07 Jul 2010 05:35:25 +0000

I feel like once again, I am on a search for something or someone to help my husband. My husband has been drinking for almost 40 years. I have been in an alcohol controled marriage for over 25. Do I still love him? yes! Can I make him stop. NO! I have no control over the alcohol and how much and when he choses to imbibe. I have given this to God and took it back on my shoulders so many times I can’t count. It seems like a cycle. God controls it not me. I just pray for enough hope and grace to see it through. Now for the real problem, How do I control myself. What do I really want to be and do? How do I accomplish this with an alcoholic husband who always seems to do the exact opposite of what needs to be done. Can I hold on and just let go let God? These are all the questions I ask myself. The world outside of home(even a non alcoholic home) is really cruel. I just have to pray more and remember we all have skeletons in our closets. God bless ya’ll and thanks for letting me share.

By: eva

eva — Sun, 04 Jul 2010 14:25:55 +0000

unmanageable …. describes it well. myself, I am still in the thick of things.
my husband has been struggling with alcoholism for years and clearly I do not know how to deal with it. anger, does not work. trying to find a way to cope that will cause the kids the lest amount of distress. wish someone could just tell me to stay OR go?

By: Cathy Anne

Cathy Anne — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 20:35:38 +0000

Powerless, life unmanageable… I couldn’t believe that someone could describe my life so completely and this was step 1.
My first meeting changed my life. Reading “One step at a time” comforts me when things are bad.
I will probably be on step one for a long time.

By: tren d

tren d — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 08:33:37 +0000

When I came to al-anon I knew I was powerless over the alcoholic and the disease . 15 years with my husband and growing up with it , at age 38 I had had enough !

I was at an emotional bottom and I was giving up on everything in my life and and ready to get out it was only a matter of HOW !

al-anon saved my life ! I was powerless over alcohol and its effects , I was powerless over the alcoholics and their tornadoes , and most all and my deepest denial ! i was powerless over the disease of alcoholism ….

TODAY I have the POWER in my life because of the 12 steps and the fellowship ! I am no longer powerless and my life is no longer UNMANAGEABLE (MY INSIDES ARE AT PEACE) ! THANKS to the love and friendship I am blessed to have in life EVERYDAY ! AND EVERYDAY MEANS EVERYDAY !

MY HOPE IS FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE STRUGGLING WITH THIS DISEASE TO FIND THE POWER OF THIS PROGRAM AND HOLD ONTO TO IT !!! IT WORKS ! IT REALLY DOES….

By: carol

carol — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 18:55:14 +0000

Oh dear you are all so posh

By: Dynice

Dynice — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 14:04:19 +0000

I have an 18 yo son that I took to a residential treatment facility yesterday for pot. It’s not alcohol, but it was recommended I attend some of these meetings. I feel like such a failure as a mom, I did not raise him to think this was a way of life. My exhusband is an alcoholic and my greatest fear is my son will follow in his footsteps. Son understands dad has a problem, and won’t be around him if he’s drinking, yet doesn’t see what he’s doing to our family.

I feel broken and lost.

By: becky

becky — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 20:32:03 +0000

Its hard for me to admit tthis when if I stay home he won’t drink but if I go do anything he gets trashed

By: John

John — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 14:29:15 +0000

My Mother is one of the alcoholics in my life — main benefit of Al-Anon was breaking free from neurotic behaviour patterns…Finally able to live my own life.

She continues to drink, but although I cannot stop her drinking I can choose my reaction.

By: LEE

LEE — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 19:20:25 +0000

My husband comes home from Rehab in 5 days – I am nervous and hopeful. I will attend my first meeting this Saturday at 10. I am not sure what to expect. My ex was an alcoholic and I went to Al anon meetings and never felt like I fit in so I went to private counseling. I think I need to stick it out more and see if I can make it work. I know, in my mind, that I am powerless – but I was starting to “count” the number of beers he had which indicates that I was acting crazy thinking I could control what he was doing. Finally around Memorial Day – after a two day drunken spree he ended up in the hospital and in rehab. I hope the twelve steps will help me once I learn how to apply them. I have been reading a lot and thinking about what I want and what needs to change but I need the support to not fall back into old patterns. As I said – I did this once before with my ex and I am disappointed I am right back here again. I wonder if I will ever get it figured out permanently.

By: B. C. L.

B. C. L. — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 02:27:32 +0000

To those who think your alone….your not I’ve dealt with this all my life not only watching my parents do it but others as well and I thought I did something wrong. But I come to realize that it wasn’t me….it was them and they were doing it to themselves. I went to my first meeting because I felt anger inside…didn’t know why maybe from other past experiences but I knew it was more then that. Lucky for me I wasn’t alone my sister invited me so I decided to go just to see what it was about and it suprised me to know that I wasn’t the only one going through this. I’m gonna continue to go to these meetings not just for myself but for those who feel they can’t. Remember it’s you that makes the choice on what you want to do to take back control of your life….not them. God Bless and be strong. We’re all here for you….even though you may seem like your alone.

Sincerley
BCL

By: Tom K.

Tom K. — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 12:50:04 +0000

The First Step is part of my daily life. I am powerless over people’s choices on how they respond or react to the effects of the disease of alcoholism. There is one occasion that stands out as a case where a huge emotional log jam was released as a result of working this step.
A month before my first wife died and 10 months into treatments for cancer, things were extremely tense at home. I was at work from 5:30 to 5 every day and returning home was stressful. I was entering a bee hive of emotionally distraught people. They were all deeply affected by the family disease of alcoholism and none were in recovery in Al-Anon. For a few weeks one relative acted as if I did not exist when I arrived home. She was in anguish over her relative’s deteriorating health and her stress was coming out as anger directed at me. Her form of expression was to shut me out as I have done to so many people in my life. I was living my life and trying to be loving and supportive to my wife and all of her many friends and relatives but I was struggling with taking care of myself in such a stressful circumstance.
One day I stopped at my favorite restaurant for a bowl of soup on my way home. I sat there exhausted and dreading my having to arrive to my home filled with loving, smiling yet stressed people. I pulled out my P4 Alcoholism, A Family Disease booklet and read the 12 steps slowly and deliberately, pondering on the broken relationship I had with that relative who was giving me the silent treatment. I fully realized and fully accepted the fact that I was powerless over her choice on how she handles the effects of the family disease of alcoholism. My life had become unmanageable by my taking her treatment of me personally. I was emotionally out of balance. Even with 7 years in recovery I was having suicidal thoughts as a way to escape this overwhelmingly difficult situation.
When I got home an hour later than usual no one complained or questioned me. When I encountered the silent relative I felt deep love and compassion for her. My emotional log jam had broken loose and I felt freed, even in my house filled with people. For the next month I continued to take care of myself with the help of friends in Al-Anon. Taking care of me was getting to meetings several times a week and taking several weeks off from work before and after my wife died. The term alcohol in Step 1 has come to be very broad in my mind. I personally think that every person on earth has been affected by this disease at some level. Admitting that I am powerless over alcohol is now part of my inner soul and impacts how I respond to others in all relationships in my life.

By: Rose C.

Rose C. — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 03:40:12 +0000

You know looking at myself and working on me is the hardest thing about all this. It’s me that’s the problem. My reactions. My perceptions. My emotions being triggered by what? Always something to look at, admit and decide what to do with.

I am not alone. So many others struggling the same way….no unique individuals in this. All our stories sound so familiar.

It has to stop some where…..has to stop with me. Break the chain. Stop the cycle. Make the stand….the buck stops here.

Admit the truth….can’t handle this. Too much. Stress is intense. Body can’t handle it.

God can handle all things. I’m not meant to take all this on.

Let go. It’s not up to me. I am not responsible for the alcoholic…he is for himself.

Love the unlovely with God’s help and see where that takes me. Wait. Hold on. Trust.

By: bear

bear — Tue, 25 May 2010 21:02:04 +0000

I can’t tell anyone else what will work for them or what would be the best solution in terms of leaving or staying. I can tell you that going to an Al-Anon meeting was the last thing that I thought could help me. I didn’t see how talking to more people about how bad it was could make it better. It did but only because I found out that I wasn’t alone and that other people were living with similar problems as mine and yet they were smiling. Al-Anon Family Groups taught them and me how to live our lives and leave the alcoholic to a Power greater than me or anyone else. I began to understand that other people’s opinions of me and what was right and wrong were none of my business. At those meetings, I found people who didn’t judge me. They asked me how I was doing and they really wanted to hear the answer. When I would respond with a statement that was based on the alcoholic’s behavior, they would gently remind me that wasn’t the question. I know what the ache and confusion of living with alcoholism does to someone because it did it to me. I also know that Al-Anon can work for me regardless of what the alcoholic does or doesn’t do. The woman who invited me to go to my first meeting also became my first sponsor. She was loving and gentle as she reminded me that taking care of me first was the greatest act of love for everyone I cared about. The irony was that before she said that I didn’t even consider the impact of not taking care of myself because I always was so busy trying to fix everyone else.
Hope to see you in a meeting soon. Someone like me will be there with a smile, a hug (if you want), and an open heart. I know it sounds too good to be true. I know that it’s so because those meetings prove it to me week after week.

By: Mony

Mony — Sat, 22 May 2010 12:32:54 +0000

I have lived close to 2 years with an alcoholic. I want to give this a try. I have blamed him, our neighbors, and myself. If I try to control his drinking, he trashes me to the neighbors. If I don’t say anything, he drinks himself beyond control. The hardest part is I feel so betrayed. My neighbors have a party house next door (we live in a duplex) and they tell him I act like his mother and that if I’m not happy, then I should just leave. He has posted our dirty laundry on facebook and has humiliated me so many times behind my back. This breaks my heart. And he only does this when he’s drinking. I feel betrayed all the way around. My neighbor, who I thought was my friend, recently confided in me that she likes having my guy around. It keeps her husband out of the bars. He has a drinking problem as well. I know now I need to leave, I am heartbroken with all the betrayals surrounding me. I also have a teenage daughter that I love very much and this has taken a toll on her as well. I love him with all my heart, but I know I can’t see this through anymore. It’s hard enough trying to make things work with the one you love who has a drinking problem, but even worse when they are so easily influenced by others. My neighbors are justifying his drinking and telling him I shouldn’t control him. And now, I just want out. I honestly believe, in my situation, that he sees me as the bad guy, and I can’t make him understand. Now I just “pretend” everything is OK, and try to find every way to distance myself until I can leave and not look back. And the ironic part? Now that I have distanced myself, he keeps telling me how much he loves me, but keeps hanging next door, keeps drinking till he can’t stand up, and I feel like such a phony. Just biding my time until I can find somewhere else to live and protect myself. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Is there a better way, cause I’m not seeing any light right now..

By: Hilary

Hilary — Sat, 22 May 2010 08:00:22 +0000

I’ve spent two years blaming myself for my boyfriend’s behavior. “If he loved me, then why does he…?” “It must be my fault somehow. I was having a bad day and yelled at him. I got angry at him for the dirty dishes in the sink. I shouldn’t have made that comment about his hair…” And on and on and on. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks: I share my bed with an alcoholic. It was a weight off my shoulders. His behavior isn’t my fault, nor his. He’s sick. He has a disease. And I have a choice. Do I stay or go? I don’t know the answer right now. I know that I love this man from the depths of my soul. I still have hope for him and us. I know that the road to sobriety (if he choses to go to AA) will be difficult in unimaginable ways for both of us. I also know that if something doesn’t change soon, I will lose myself, my sanity, my health, and my future in a black hole. And I can’t stand on the sidelines and watch him destroy his life. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this position, but this is what my life has brought. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone in this gut-wrenching struggle.

By: Sherry

Sherry — Sat, 15 May 2010 19:03:34 +0000

Ok, I am not with my ex-boyfriend (4 years off and on) anymore but he does owe me money for taking him in when I thought he finally hit rock bottom (only as a christian friend). He got a DUI for almost causing an accident while he was on his way to a girlie bar; then he was going to kill himself afterward by car exhaust fumes in a secluded garage; he showed me the duct tape and pipe when we went to pick up his vehicle from the impound lot. I convinced myself that God intervened because He has a purpose and a plan for this man’s life which may or may not include me. Rules were simple: No drinking; no drugs; church once a week. He wanted me to be accountable for him; problem was he had a codependent woman in another town who came and picked him up and he stayed at her house for a week at a time.
When he was at my house he was sober; tried to get into drug rehab; they turned him down for assistance except for counseling. First appointment never happened; they rescheduled him. 2nd appt I dropped him off and his sister picked him up. He got up and walked out of the building before his name was called.
My exhusband (15 years) is an alcoholic who remarried an alcoholic. Drinking. adultery, and beating me ended our marriage. I do not have a drinking problem; rarely drink; it totally disgusts me to see someone drunk.
The night before I told him to leave we went to bible study (James Temptations & Trials); the more the pastor said the angrier he got and he bolted up out of his chair and ran out of the church. I stayed behind to say goodbye to friends; some people asked him about him and asked if they could go to the car to welcome him to come back the following week. That made him more mad cause he said that I told them everything about him and they would never come to the car unless I egged them on to. Next morning he was still in the mad mode; we exchanged words; he called me some names and I through an empty plastic cup which hit him by accident. I told him that I was going upstairs. I knew that he was waiting for a ride to go to work so I told him that we would talk later. He called the police. The police did not see the situation as being threatening or otherwise and left. I gave him 24 hours to get out. He did.
He’s been gone for 6 weeks; he texts when he is drunk. I care about this man but I am powerless. I have my own life and no more want to help people with addictions. I have not meant a man yet to date that is not recovering from some addiction, even at church. This man was sober for 8 years when I meant him. Our relationship was based on our christian beliefs for the 1st 2 years then boom; the drinking started; pot smoking; drunk women; porn.
It is not my life and I will not not let it consume me. Now I see my adult daughter falling into the same trap; she moved in with a man that drinks heavily and they are both still married with 8 children between them. They go church together and thank God for bringing them together. She left her husband of 5 years because he has a prescription pill problem for a man that has a drinking problem.

I AM POWERLESS I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING!

By: Theresa

Theresa — Sun, 09 May 2010 09:47:54 +0000

I’ve been married now for three years. I knew he drank when we got married, but I had no idea it was daily, or how much. At the start, I told him I really didn’t care that he drank or how much, since I couldn’t tell anyway, what harm is there? Well, it didn’t take long for me to find out what alcohol really does to him. On our honeymoon, I watched him drink himself to oblivion, so that he couldn’t remember days at a time. I just wanted to stay in our hotel room, I was so embarrassed. Each vacation since, he overdrinks at least one night, we fight, I swear I will not vacation with him again, then we come home and go to some sense of normalcy. His exwife is an addict, and he complains about how he put her throug rehab twice, but she’s back on pain pills and treating his sons like garbage. But he does the same thing to them with his drinking! It used to be once a month, but now it’s once a week, that we argue over something he said or I said and it’s no correct. This week it was taking my daughter to a girls’ weekend. He believes I said I wasn’t going, when I know I said I was going. He tried the guilt on me about mother’s day, but I wouldn’t let it happen. I don’t need to be home to babysit him. His behavior is getting to be so odd! Sending out emails at all hours of the night to his family members and coworkers, telling them that he’s going to sue them. We have businesses together and he maybe a hig functioning alcoholic, I can’t control what he is doing anymore!! He’d rather spend money on buying me jewelry then detox. This is wrong, right? I’m not going crazy, right? Reading all of these stories have really given me hope. There is something wrong when your spouse ‘punishes’ you by taking your laptop or phone after you have an argument, so you can’t work, right?? How is that being a good and supportive friend?! While caring for my dying mother, we argued over whether my glass was half full. He called me a liar, and drove the 2 hours to our home, leaving me stranded and alone. I was humiliated to be there with my family and having to explain where he went. I lied, of course, saying he had some sort of emergency. And I told myself I just need to move on and trust him again, especially after he tells me he’s sorry, or that he just doesn’t remember, so why am I making a big deal of this? I am so confused. I have even told myself, maybe I did say that, or didn’t say that, then he demands apologies from me!!! That I hurt HIS feelings, and that i’m the liar, etc. I even try to make myself feel better by watching those addict shows. He’ll watch them with me, and say, Wow! Those people are really alcoholics! You don’t drink mouthwash, you must be okay.
I will find a group and I will get myself some sanity. Thank you for this website and the important work ali non does.

By: Gabriela

Gabriela — Sun, 09 May 2010 02:42:21 +0000

I feel so lost. I`m 24 years old and my husband is alcoholic and he had a historic with drugs too. He drinks every day, he arrives home and go to the fridge to get his drinks. He is changing so much. Last month he disappear and spent a lot of money with beers (he told me that) and he left at 5 pm and came back home at 2 30 am. Next day he was so sad because he did it and promise me never ever do it again. So I trusted. Less than one month after he did it again but worst. He spent twice than the other night (we don`t have any money in our account anymore). he left at 10 30 pm e came back at 5 30 pm (next day), he was sad and said sorry. He told me he spent money with beers and gambling. I trusted he was going to chance and I gave him one more chance but today he left the job at 10 30 am but he supposed to leave at 7 00 pm and didn`t tell anyone and when I finished my job I called him and his phone was off. So, now is 10 40 m, he didnt call and his phone still off. He didn t want me to go to the meetings because he said he is not a alcoholic and I dont need to go but I really need help.

Tks for letting me share.

By: John B. AZ

John B. AZ — Sun, 02 May 2010 08:56:59 +0000

This afternoon’s Al-Anon meeting had some newcomers, and also folks just around for 5 to 10 meetings. These members had so much to contribute even in the short time they have been attending. Most inspiring was to hear that in a short time the rooms made a difference in their attitudes and even their situation.

One question came up about “the disease” concept of alcoholism, and the difficulty some folks were having in understanding and accepting it. It offered me the opportunity to reflect on Step One - ”We admitted …” I never really looked at the choice of the word “admitted”. It could have been “We believed, or realized, or understood” but I think the choice of “admitted” has a special relevancy. In using “admitted”, it calls for a testament. Like the admission of guilt, or defeat, or failure — these thing have no meaning in the context of secrecy. So too, admitting we are powerless over alcohol, calls for a public testament.

I resisted admitting I was powerless for 46 years. But the time came, with my Dad at his second detox, that I welcomed the opportunity. It represented freedom. I had 46 years of slavery to alcoholism, and now my willingness to admit that I was powerless set me free.

One person shared that they understood alcoholism as a mental illness. Another understood it as ”dis-ease”. And allergy was another way to understand the disease concept. I came to feel it wasn’t important to understand the issue of disease and alcoholism. All I had to do is accept and live in Step One. And if it’s difficult at first, I could fake ’til I make it. But as I enjoyed the freedom of powerlessness, it didn’t take long to believe it with my heart and soul.

By: Lynda

Lynda — Sat, 01 May 2010 15:10:38 +0000

I am scared, my 29 year old son is an alcohoic. He won’t admit it, doesn’t drink everyday, but when he does drink, he blacks out. He just moved home from across the country (seperated from his wife, not from drinking). He had a great week, but last night he drank and during a black out, he was jumped, beat up and his backpack with his computer, phone, glassess, everything was stolen. I don’t know what to do. I feel helpless. He is so smart, handsome, has his whole life ahead of him, but I feel powerless. When he is not drinking he is a pleasure to be around, has his life on track. Can anyone give me some advise? I’ve never had to deal with this before and I feel powerless. I want to help him get his life on track, but don’t want to enable him.

By: Carmen

Carmen — Sat, 01 May 2010 05:03:55 +0000

Finally came to this site after being encouraged by my fiance to try alanon because of the difficulties of being w/ an alcoholic who is 2 years sober. He also has mental issues such as bipolar which make him depressed and angry. He takes meds and most days he is ok. But there are times he can be sarcastic and mean and not be aware what he’s doing or somehow make it my fault. His whole family has been affected by alcohol w/ a father who drank all his life. He tells me that I can’t control his behavior only my own which is true so I’m going to try going to meetings and getting the literature. Hopefully this will help me w/ my issues and how to deal w/ them because I don’t have anyone to talk to who is close and dealing w/ a mentally ill alcoholic. He is at least going to A.A. and doing the steps. I do want to make this relationship work and I think I need the tools from alanon to help. I don’t want to give up w/o giving alanon a try as this maybe my only hope. thanks for letting me share.

By: Robin

Robin — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 13:40:20 +0000

Help. I am so lost. My 19 yo daughter who has a history on mental health issues, is a product of her bio drinking during pregnancy and a bio father that is a drug/alcohol abuse. Now that she is 19, I have no legal control, for that matter, no control over her. She is now living with a 44 yo man, that has a history of drug and alcohol abuse. He supposedly was a 10 year survivor and recently fell off the wagon. Of course, it was because of my daughter. They are supposedly getting married next year, but I am so afraid of what will happen in between. My daughter has severe anger issues, so needless to say, their relationship is one of great violence. Being so gullible, my daughter believes every word this man says. Sadly, most of what he says is an embellishment or a downright lie. She called me last night and left a message on my phone — she told me not to call her or text her anymore. She also said that I was not to answer her calls or texts, that she needed to be “independent” from me and this was the way to do it. Independent? Right! You don’t need to cut all ties to be independent. This is obviously the “man” in her life telling her what to say and do. I know, I know, let go and let God. DAMN HARD if you ask me. Thanks for letting me vent. I am going to try and work on step one.

By: julie

julie — Mon, 26 Apr 2010 03:56:50 +0000

i am overwhelmed with anxiety, stress, and disappointment. my husband came home from rehab for the second time and i dont think i can do it again. i have no trust or respect. he makes me ill to be around. i feel like i am carrying 200 lbs on my shoulders. i am sad and disappointed in myself for thinking i could help him by marrying him so he could go to rehab cuz of my insurance. he is so selfish and abusive. i cant take no more. he doesnt hit no more but he might as well. my kids have suffered so much and i cant believe i did this to them again. i love the sober husband but i never know if he is. i dont think i can live wondering all the time. i dont believe in divorce but i am tired. wish me luck

By: Julie

Julie — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 02:11:35 +0000

I am new to al-anon but not to the disease of addiction around me. I have been with an addict who uses any thing he can get his hands on for seven years. I didnt realize how serious addiction was. I did drugs off and on through my earlier years but stopped. I played around with them and every person Ive been in a relationship with is an addict/alcoholic. I felt addicts were really weakminded people. I thought if i could just stop anyone can. That is not the case. I married my husband four months ago just so he could go to rehab, sort of an intervention thing. He has legal issues and I wanted to give him that gift that not everyone can have because of money. I have good insurance and so I married him. I have a son that is six with him and i have a teenager that is sixteen. My teenager has lost all respect for me and hates his step dad because he has let us down over and over and i keep on taking him back. Because of this I have alot of guilt that I have failed my children by helping him. I am going to start going to meetings and working the steps. My husband is in his second rehab and I believe that I have to work the program as well as him cuz i have issues of codependancy. I do see a counselor and take medicine for anxiety but its not enough. I have fought going to alanon finding excuses not to but if I want my family to be healthy I have to be. It will be up to him for his sobriety, I am powerless over his addiction and his disease. I think that is step one.

By: kathy

kathy — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 06:28:47 +0000

Dear Al Anon:
I was looking for meetings and found this site. I read the posts on site from other members of Al Anon and it helped. I also am married to a practicing alcoholic who drinks on weekends when he was home. i was forced out of my home on january 23, 2010 by him and two of his family members, leaving behind my 14 year old daughter. She is in denial and is being manipulated that everything is my fault. The marriage and financial problems the whole kit and kaboodle. She is rude and disrespectful to me.

I have been so angry at my alcoholic husband for so long. Our marriage was a farce and a big lie!! I am angry at myself for trying to deny it and how could I marry another alcoholic!!! Husband #1 was also one. I tried to fool myself and the abuse also crept into this marriage too!!

I found a meeting schedule and am thankful for that so that I can take care of myself.

thanks
Kathy

By: Jamie

Jamie — Sat, 03 Apr 2010 04:05:12 +0000

Step One: For the last nine years I’ve tried to put into play not only my dreams and aspirations, but my husband’s. I have followed him half way around the world and into a new career and put off children. When he was fired, and I was left in the career without him, I wondered to myself if I had to give up the career. When he sunk into depression and didn’t look for a job, and didn’t file for unemployment, I felt responsible to taking care of us. When I lost a comrade in war, I never stopped to grieve, because my husband couldn’t handle the stress of the situation. I’m left to provide all the financial, emotional, and spiritual care for us and I can’t anymore. I have broad shoulders, but I need to carry myself. I need to grieve for the friend I lost, I can’t leave a career because he had to. My life cannot be filled with resentment.
Even after deploying half way around the world to help rebuild a country, I wonder how he is doing, if he is capable of going on, if he can handle. I deployed to get out of the mindset and put my help where I really want to focus it.
My deepest shame is I’ve given up on having children because I don’t want to raise a child with a drunk. Just writing it helps. Just announcing it takes the shame away, and reminds me that the reason why I chose no children was responsibility and not wanting to raise a child in that situation. I would rather raise children alone. In this third world country, I was offered a baby. A baby, with literally no future and a mother just willing to give her away. At a displaced persons camp, I was offered a baby. It was sad and disheartening and I still felt like I could not give that baby a better home.
Admitting I am powerless isn’t just about over alcohol, but of life. I couldn’t control my husband, and I couldn’t control the mother that offered her baby. While I know I could raise a baby, and offer her a good life, my thought process took me first to ‘I can’t take a baby into that situation’. This is a baby, that will if lucky outlive malaria, disease, rape, natural disasters and crime. How could my thoughts immediately go to the relationship with my husband? I have the power, I have the ability. Why and how do I linger around a person that I let completely change my way of thinking and my capacity, just to enable.
I have issued ultimatums after ultimatums and haven’t followed through. It is hard to leave and stop loving. The point isn’t to stop loving, but love the right way. I’ve been loving the sick way. I’ve been loving the wrong way, giving in and giving up. I will try to love the right way and at this point it is letting go. If I can’t do the fundamental things I should be able to do in a marriage like have children, have shared financial responsibility and most importantly SHARED confidence, then maybe I shouldn’t be in that marriage. I no longer have time to give. 9 years of the same lies alcohol makes one tell. I am not married to a man anymore but to a desire for alcohol and supporting it.
I have to admit I am powerless over my love and whom I love, but I am not powerless over my decisions. I am ready to look forward. I am ready to move on with my life and that may well mean giving up on a marriage. I never wanted to walk away from a marriage. I want possibilities and potential back in my life, not limits and ultimatums.

By: C

Wed, 31 Mar 2010 03:53:53 +0000

I dont know where to start. I came to this site to find a meeting. I have been in a alcoholic household since the day i was born. My dad drank and eventually died of the disease. My current husband drinks on a daily basis. We have been married now for 13 years. His habit keeps growing. I feel lost and alone. I dont know what else to do. I have read the posts and listened to the podcast about step one. i dont know if i can do it. i want so much for my marriage to work. I love my husband. He is a good man and a good dad. I dont know why this is happening but i want it to stop. I have tried everything i know how to get my husb to stop drinking. He just wont. It’s slowly killing him. I can see it in his face and his body. i am afraid he is going to kill himself or even worse someone else as he insisits on drinking and driving. It hurts me so much as we have 2 teenagers on the road, I am angry that he does not care that he could end another persons life. I keep asking myself why…

By: kay

kay — Mon, 29 Mar 2010 23:49:52 +0000

Yes I am powerless but not powerless enough to not find a sponsor .
I am from a nonalcoholic family that denies alcoholism and al-anon.
It took twelve years after my husband pushed me down a flight of stairs and my parents blaming me and putting me in a mental hospital with labeled disease so there was a reason not the alcoholism. When ever my husband punished me and my three boys
my parents would try to fix everything because my dad the doctor was the proper dad and my mom the proper mom . To the point that they would move in and fix it .
Anyway I am off any medication but the affect of my husbands drinking is still there .

thanks to al-anon I am not fighting his disease but my past of being put down .
with the higher power I am different person .

I am never alone with my new family and have to work the program much more .
Hopefully with a sponsor soon .

By: Ursula

Ursula — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 15:03:35 +0000

My husband had stopped drinking long back, it is now nearly 12 years. During his initial period of sobriety he attended few AA meetings may be hardly for a year after that he stopped totally, and I was also not attending Al-Anon, probably because our daughter was small and she needed our attention as there was nobody in our house to look after her and since we both were working at that time we had to keep in cretch and that was quite hurting to leave her alone with somebody whole day and pick up her late in the evening. We were busy bringing up our daughter by the time she was in 4th std my husband left his job, as he was finding it difficult to cope with it as he used to be hardly at home because of work pressure in office, so after he left the job he had totally devoted himself to look after our daughter I was continuing my job, but as you say, this is a galloping disease we had to face dry alcholosim in our house, till then my daughter was in 9th std. and she was facing all the trauma of my husband’s eccentric behaviour and she could make out changes in his behaviour, suddenly he would be very nice and suddenly used to get angry on small small things, which was in turn getting affected to me and I was also going out of control, and then one moment I became so helpless and picked up the phone to call an Al-Anon member and started my meetings again and now it is nearly 1 year I am on the programme again, though my husband is still not attending meetings, as he feels he can do without it, that is is EGO, but i realised that whether he attends or not attends the meeting, it is MY LIFE that i need to regularise, and just reading literature is not sufficient, it is very important to attend the meetings, meet Al-Anon friends and be a part of it again, taking each step seriously and sincerely, and after long we are coming on terms with life, as Al-Anon really works ! My sincere thanks to all of my Al-anon friends and to this wonderful fellowship !

By: Jonna

Jonna — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 01:53:50 +0000

After reading many comments, I have discovered, I am not alone. I haven’t been to a meeting, but I was looking for one. I was going to go tonight, but I am scared. Let me start from the beginning. My husband is an alcoholic and has been forever. He has stopped before, but always went back. I finally have had enough. About 2 weeks ago, his alcohol rage got out of control. I can’t take it anymore. We have a little boy and I don’t want him living in this situation. Its awful. I need change. I know I can’t change him, but I was trying to. I know now I can’t. I am going to stop trying. My son and myself left and now live with family. I thought maybe he would start to get help. Boy was I wrong. He said he would stop drinking without going to meetings. I can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. Why can’t he see this? I love him, but I am hurting in the worse way. It feels like a lump in my throat. I am hurting and scared. Thanks for your help!

By: Jane

Jane — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 04:38:59 +0000

My husband has a substance abuse problem. He drinks and/or uses drugs like xanex. I am tired. I don’t know how to build a marriage without trust, and he lies constantly. I worry that I am ‘too controlling.’ For example, I kicked a friend out of our house and told him to never come back. He left 5 valium on the counter in our kitchen and my three-year-old found them and brought them to me. Thank goodness he brought them to me! But I am powerless to control the actions of others. So do I let trash like that walk around my house, be around my boys, and wait for the day when he leaves out some pills and my one-year-old eats them? I say no–but where is the line supposed to be? And PLEASE, would it be possible, God, for my husband to one day befriend someone with integrity?

We went to a Christian counselor whom I really respect. He told me that staying was codependent and I needed to leave. My husband and I spent some time with an elder and his wife in our church, in a mentoring-type relationship. They tell me that I need to leave. My pastor and my parents tell me to stay. I will leave if I have to, if it is the right thing to do. I am just not convinced that it is the right thing. I love my husband. My boys love their Daddy. My heart wants to stay.

My husband is patient with me and very forgiving. Just because he is the one with the drug problem doesn’t mean that he is the only one with problems! I used to be rather irresponsible and I still enjoy playing things by ear, flying by the seat of my pants, making last minute decisions… But after five years of marriage, I had allowed myself to be twisted into this controling wench (at times) that I hated. It isn’t who I am, or who I want to be!

I want to be the fun one, the one who sleeps in because I know my spouse will take care of the kids, the one who stays up all night doing whatever I want to do and shirks responsibility. I also want to be an amazing mom and a desirable wife…

Any suggestions?

By: Marge

Marge — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 08:08:22 +0000

I have been to two Al-Anon meetings recently–right after I learned that I was married to an alcoholic after 24 years of marriage! He hid it very well, swore his children from his first marriage to secrecy as well as his brother-all who have now begun to talk about what his drinking was like in the first marriage. Over the years, I saw what I consider an alcoholic personality, but never any drinking. As a diabetic, he never drank for years. I grew up with an alcoholic brother and dealt with his manipulative behavior all of my life. It was a relief when he died at age 75. Now I have a husband who’s behavior is mirroring my brother’s. We are not young–he’s 75 and I am 9 years younger. He was just released from a care center after 10 weeks of IV antibiotics to treat osteomylitis in the lumbar section of his back caused by a staph infection. He went into the hospital for 17 days prior to the 2.5 months in the care center. While in the hospital he went through DT’s and nearly died. He must have started drinking again about 3 years ago as best I can calculate but hid it entirely until recently when it got out of control. As soon as the ventilator he was on was removed in the hospital, he asked for a 6 pack of beer! He’s been home 4 days and has tried 5 times to get beer even though he is so weak, he can barely walk and has fallen twice already. He is also on 2 strong narcotic pain medications, Prozac, Ativan, an antibiotic plus a nerve blocker. He’s developing dementia and has lost 40 lbs. After all he’s been through as well as myself and his family, he’s now sober and wants nothing more than to get a beer at the first opportunity! Talk about being powerless over alcohol!!!! I have told him that I cannot live with him drinking, and that I will divorce him…and I will. It took a lot to say that because I don’t make idle threats. In all 24 years of our marriage, nothing has brought me to the point of saying that until now. With his illness, we are nearing bankruptcy. I’ve discovered over the last 3 months that he’s been sneaking money from credit cards (getting cash and buying money orders) to buy coins–another addiction. Over the last 7 years, it’s amounted to several thousand dollars that I can account for. I remember taking care of myself…it’s time to do that once again. Although he’s old and sick, he is where he is from choices he made–I didn’t make them for him–didn’t even know about them! I’m looking to Al-Anon for support through this rollercoaster of emotions.

By: Erin

Erin — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 19:36:23 +0000

Step One: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable.

I have not been to a meeting yet, but I am trying to work up the courage to go…
My parents are both alcoholics, and I grew up in a very chaotic world. Now I am married with two young children. My husband is in the Army and was deployed to Iraq for a year in 2008. He very rarely drank before the deployment, but after the deployment he started drinking almost everyday. He started treating me like crap and cheated on me with four different women. I tried to control and manipulate him into getiing back on track. I tried ultimatums, threats, guilt… I tried getting his command involved… nothing worked. I filed for divorce six months ago. It is a daily struggle for me not to let my husband manipulate me into feeling sorry for him and taking him back. Sometimes I cant control the urge to call or text him and make him feel guilty for abandoning our family for alcohol. Sometimes I make him cry. Last night we were talking about our situation and he said, “I like to go to bars. I like to drink. It’s the only thing that makes me happy anymore. It puts me in a better mood and helps me forget my problems for a little while. I am not going to change.” When he said this, I realized I AM POWERLESS. There is nothing I can do or say that will make this man change. Absolutely nothing.
So I guess that is step one.

By: Lizz S.

Lizz S. — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 14:29:31 +0000

Step One is the first step in an incredible journey! Step One teaches that alcoholism is a disease- a family disease and a disease of relationships. I was affected by the alcoholism in my family so my thoughts and feelings became distorted. I thought that I knew what was best for others, but Al-Anon taught me that many of my attempts to control others actually contributed to the problems in my family. I felt compelled to “force solutions,” but I ended up making many situations worse! My life became unmanageable and I felt out of control. I was absolutely miserable before I came to Al-Anon!

Step One puts my life back in proper perspective. I am completely powerless over people, places and things, but I am NOT powerless over ME. I have responsibility for my actions, but not for anyone else’s thoughts or behavior. Step One puts the focus back on me- not on the alcoholic. My attempts to control others made my life crazy but “by letting go of this battle that I was sure to lose, I became free.” Those around me found their freedom, too- the freedom to make their own mistakes and face their own consequences (without my interference!)

Step One teaches me to love the person and hate the disease. That is where the disease concept comes in. Alcoholism is like a spider web- its almost invisible yet it affects anyone who comes in contact with it. This spider web of disease spreads through families, twisting relationships and making everyone sick. In Al-Anon, I have learned to “detach with love” and put myself first. I no longer fight the world. Because of Al-Anon and the 12 Steps, I am happy for the first time in my life!

Funny how it works! By letting go of others, we can experience an even greater personal power and freedom. So why don’t you give Al-Anon a chance? What have you got to lose? Try six meetings- as close together as possible- and Keep Coming Back. The Al-Anon program works if you work it!
ls

By: Susan

Susan — Sun, 28 Feb 2010 00:21:23 +0000

I have been in al-anon on and off for many years. I divorced my first husband of 21 years b/c of infidelity – he was an alcoholic but I did not realize it for much of that marriage. When I finally learned in al-anon about alcoholism and how it destroyed the love and respect we had I vowed I would never again get involved with another alcoholic . . . wrong. I married my second husband knowing he was alcoholic but I denied it to myself. I made myself believe he wasn’t as bad and I (still) believe he would not be unfaithful. Turns out he had an even more severe alcohol addiction. He is now sober after 12 years of marriage – for two years now -sort of a dry sobriety – he doesn’t drink but he really isn’t working a program seriously. He goes through the motions occasionally. I thought his sobriety would end most of our problems but it hasn’t. The main problem is the same as in the first marriage – we’ve lost the love and respect we had and basically don’t like each other that much. Too much water over the bridge or something. Now that I’m in advancing years I am having some health problems. I don’t have the energy or desire to deal with HIM anymore and that is a relief. What I really want and need is serenity. I know that many (younger) people in al-anon are fighting for their marriage and family. I think that is noble however no one has made me feel that is what I should do also. I go to an-alnon stricly to learn to take care of myself. My biggest flaw in taking care of myself is that I am still too dependent on him. I hate to admit to another failed marriage so I keep “going to the hardware store for bread.” That means I keep hoping that I can get my emotional needs met by him. I set myself up by hoping and engaging with him as if he is equipped to really help ME for a change. I keep doing the same things and expecting different results – the definition of insanity – because I end up hopeless and depressed when reality hits. So I ask myself constantly – why do I hang on? Why can’t I let go? That is how powerless I am and how my life is unmanagable. Step 2 promises that my higher power will restore me to sanity.
I am a slow learner. I will be in al-anon for the remainder of my life I suspect.

By: Efrosini

Efrosini — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 02:43:52 +0000

Hi everyone,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2 years off and on. We live together now. Well he is an alcoholic and really wants help. Tuesday he admitted himself into a detox center. He really wants in patient but his insurance will not cover all of it and we can not afford it. I’m not sure what to do cause he says he can not do it by his self.

I talked to him today and he said that he may have to come home and try to do it on his own. I guess what I am asking is HOW do I help him through this..Do I tell him NO when he wants alcohol or what. I’m lost, I have never been addictd to anything and never been through anything like this. I cry ever night because I want him home but I also want him better. Please help me with any advice you may have. Oh one more question…What do I tell the kids??????????? We have seven between us and I just dont know what to tell them as to where he is. Thank you

By: Mary Jo

Mary Jo — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:52:34 +0000

TO JULIE:
You said ” I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that?”

I just wanted to clarify something VERY important about Al-Anon, which is that we NEVER EVER tell anyone what to do about their relationships or anything else. Al-Anon does provide the necessary tools to help a person decide for themself what is best for them. If anyone in Al-Anon ever gives advice or tells someone what they think they should do–that person is NOT practicing the Al-Anon principles. PLEASE do not be afraid to go to a meeting-you don’t even have to speak (unless you want to). One of our slogans is “Listen and Learn.” Al-Anon is not about telling anyoone what to do or not to do–it is about demonstrating our experience, strength, and hope, and showing others by example, how to live a better life. We always say “Take what you like, and leave the rest”.
Hope this helps; and I sincerely hope that you will try a few meetings.

Mary Jo

By: Mary Jo

Mary Jo — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 00:48:36 +0000

Annette, as Step One says: you are powerless over your son, powerless over alcoholism. There is truly nothing you can do, except love him with detachment. Detachment is a key concept in Al-Anon. I am hoping that you can find a meeting to go to, they help so much! Please look into finding meeting for yourself-you can only take care of youself, not him. Sad, I know-but so true.
Good Luck.
Mary Jo (MJ)

By: annette

annette — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:50:42 +0000

I have a 33year old son who is an alcholic, I have two brothers that due to their drinking and drugs, became paranoid scitsophrenics. I am worried to death over my son. he has moved accross country, and even tho he had a good job,a college degree,, he is now working as a day laborer. I am so afraid that I will say something that will not help him. I would like to write him a letter asking him to get help, His father is a recovered alcholic, He says nothing I can do about it/ It hurts and scares me. I feel so helpless. I see the comments here, and think that I should just leave him to his devils . Is that really all that I can do??

By: AnnN

AnnN — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 00:57:02 +0000

I’ve been struggling with this for many years and have visited this website, but tonight was the first I’ve listened to the podcast about Step1. I’ve never been to an Al-anon meeting. I suppose I need to go because I’m still confused. My husband is what I believe they call a functioning alcholic. He drinks at least a 6 pack every day, but stops drinking by the time I get home. Some afternoons he isn’t drunk, but some days like today, he is and you never know what might set him off to get angry. He doesn’t get violent much, but is unreasonable to talk to. We’ve been married 20+ years and though I’m tired and just want to quit, I know that’s not what God wants me to do. So, I’m trying to figure this out. I understand being powerless over alchohol and I’m doing better at not looking for the evidence of how much he’s drank. (I know that part makes me emotionally sick.) But it’s hard to not get mad and after a bad argument like tonight (where he’s left and I’m sure out drinking more beer) to wake up the next day, go to our jobs and pretend everything is hunky-dory. We might have a few good weeks in a row and I think I’m doing good acceptaning it’s not my problem. And then an argument over something else leads me to comment about his drinking. How do I stop that??

By: liz

liz — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 03:09:44 +0000

Julie I am in a similiar situation. I am just tired of it, I keep saying to my “Im done”. i am looking for alanon to help me take care of myself and life will take me from there.

Liz

By: Julie

Julie — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 14:38:23 +0000

I’ve never been to a meeting before – my husband keeps asking me to go. To help me understand. My problem is that his addictions are something that I do not and will not continue to live with. We have a 4 1/2 year old son. We both adore him! I don’t want him living in this situation. My husband is not violent. I’m not scared…I just want a better life. I work hard! I have accomplished things….many things are a mess because of his addictions. He quit drinking 2 years ago, but replaced that with pain pills. I hate coming home to a man that looks high off of pain pills and valum! I’m affraid that Al-Anon will teach me how to cope with this marrage and my husband. But what if I don’t want to be a part of that? I don’t want to cope anymore…….

By: Bernice

Bernice — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 01:19:26 +0000

Hi all,

I am glad I came across this site. I do attend f2f meetings but still I am crazy in my mind. I have been with my partner since 1997. We moved in together in 1999. In 2009, I moved out for the 3RD TIME!!!

Valentine Day weekend I came back home to be with my partner. I am still with my partner at our house. However, I am just “there”. We are dancing around each other. She doesn’t want me to leave per se but she isn’t exactly doing anything to make me want to stay either. I don’t know what to do but keep coming back. Here is where I find peace, serenity, and am reminded I am not crazy.

Thanks

By: Rosalie

Rosalie — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 02:58:51 +0000

Alanon teaches that we are not responsible for the alcoholics behavior, but we are responsible for our own behavior. Step one is very powerful as it clarifies that I cannot control the alcoholic therefore I am not responsible for that which (the alcoholic) I cannot control.

My behavior – is my responsiblity – I do have the power to make choices about how I respond to difficult situatuions. I can achieve a sense of calm and sanity when I take time to time focus on me and how I want to respond to situations.

By: Joanne

Joanne — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 13:18:12 +0000

Kelly Please keep going to meetings. As Liz said the program is about helping you. Keep an open mind and do this one day at a time. i have been where you are now and my suspicion is that the judge sees that you need help to deal with this situation in your life. An alcoholic seen this in me and I tok his advice 4 years ago and today I have serenity in my life. This serenity helps me to be a better person to myself and those i love. It is part of the journey of kife. Keep coming back.

By: liz

liz — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 03:00:43 +0000

Kelly Im new to this but am going to try some meetings. It works for lots of people, maybe just try it for awhile. Its different from NA because its about you not him. Liz

By: Kelly

Kelly — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 07:04:30 +0000

My situation is a little different. No one in my house drinks, we don’t have a drop of alcohol of any kind in the house. My husband is a drug addict his drug of choice is meth. The Judge has ordered me to to go to meetings 3 times a week for 3 months. For what? All I’ve read and seen on the website is about alcoholism, but what about drugs? I did the NA thing with him and that was a waste of my time. He’s in jail now and I have no idea when he’ll get out (and don’t care).

How can Al-Alnon help me? I’m not co-dependent and not a drug user. Please advise me on this because I’m at a loss and don’t see how this is going to help me or my son.

By: liz

liz — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 23:03:29 +0000

My mind is whirling about what others have said on this site. I came on here looking for a meeting after finding my husband has been drinking this afternoon and I am done with it. I have enabled my husb to smoke pot for 20 years and now he has started drinking and doesnt seem to be able to stop. i feel like I have put up with his pot use for so long and took care of things so we really have a nice life…why does he have to add this issue. I CANT tolerate him drinking, my biggest issue is he drinks and drives. I had a death in my immediate family from a drunk driver when I was young. What if he hurts someone? What if he hurts himself? What if we loose everything that we have because he does something stupid? im so embarressed. I have tried threats, guilt, ultimatums, anger. Nothing works. I have alot of work to do one step one. Thanks for listening

By: Ang

Ang — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 19:24:45 +0000

I have difficulty with the concept of being powerless. I feel a sense of relief that I am powerless. And yet, knowing and acting on that knowledge are two very different things. I recognize the fact that I can not control the alcoholic and yet I constantly find myself trying to convince him that he has to find sobriety and recovery NOW. I realize that I am trying to convince him for my own selfish motives – “If he finds recovery than we can begin to live Happily Ever After.” I want the fairy tale. I struggle with the knowledge that I can write only my own part in the story and not any other characters – including my Prince Charming.

By: Celia

Celia — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 16:45:44 +0000

This is my first time on this website. I’ve read all the posts and see myself in them. I feel like I am losing ‘me’. My problem is more complicated. My sister is mentally ill now. She lived a completely normal and productive life until about 4 years ago. She has delusional paranoia…..and she’s now an alcoholic. How do I deal with this?

By: Jodi

Jodi — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 01:34:49 +0000

Step 1 was one I understood in knowledge. It took 6 months into the program before I cried on my sofa and said God I can’t do this anymore. Take my husband – I am done. That was action – actually working this step. It was the most freeing experience I had in years and it was the growth step I needed to get moving and get better. My anxiety attacks are less as time goes on and that is thanks to the program and this first step. When my head swirls and I feel that old gut wretching anxiety coming back, I know I am not in a good place. It is time to get back to step #1. This is a huge step and it takes a while to get the layers within this step. It is a good place to return to and remind myself – ground myself – when the anxiety comes back. Once I say this step, the anxiety lessens or disappears. I am glad to be powerless. That was a scary thought when I first came into the program because everything was out of control and I blamed the alcoholics in my life. I was the one that was nuts – control freak. Let Go and Let God has been my mantra for over a year and it has helped tremendously in all my affairs.

By: Carol R.

Carol R. — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 21:15:55 +0000

Dear Program Friends…

I’m so pleased to find you on the website and hope to utilize sharing (others/mine) while I’m in Spain. I live in northern Ohio but am blessed to have an opportunity to vacation in a new location from 2/4 until the end of the month. I’ve checked availability of meetings in Spain on the international contact list as well as in their local newspapers but no luck near Torremolinos. It’s primarily a tourist area so it’s not surprising that listed meetings are in larger cities. So if we can connect, I’ll be writing from Spain and sharing on Step 2. Thanks for being there! Carol R. Norwalk, Ohio

By: Joanne

Joanne — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 01:06:56 +0000

I came to alanon because my life was unmanagable. The alcoholic in my life and I had been divorced for 4 years and I was still out of control with my behaviours and emotions- anger, crying, yelling, isolating etc. I even tried AA because the alcoholic told me I was alcoholic. I believed him but argued the whole time I was in the room with these people. Finally someone suggested that maybe I need alanon. i knew alcohol wasn’t my problem, I could take it or leaave it, and that part of what AA members talked about didn’t make sense to me(0bsession). I will be forever grateful to the AA member who suggested alanon because it was at my first meetings that I began to identify what was happening to me. i devoured as much litature as I could and found myself in those lines. At last i had hope again in my life, I could see a way out of the crazynes that my mind had me entangled in. My obsession was the alcoholic and the realization that I was powerless to change anything this person said, believed or did. The sense of relief I found when I realized that I didn’t cause this disease, couldn’t control it nor cure it felt like a weight had been lifted off my back. This step made the next steps easier to take becuase the foundation I had gained in the admittence of powerlesness and unmanagabliity lighted my load and mind to grow back to me and beter.

By: Lorie S.

Lorie S. — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 02:57:47 +0000

My husband has been sober for over a year and I am having a difficult time. Having been in the program for 10 years I know I have to keep coming back and admit step one all over again and again and again and again…..Just because he’s stopped drinking doesn’t mean he’s not an alcoholic. My life is still unmanageable and why should I stop working the steps, especially step one? Step one saved my life and our marriage. I can only do this if I work my steps on a contiual basis…so I will! Writing is great and sharing it with others online is wonderful too

By: Linda B.

Linda B. — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 22:14:44 +0000

new year …new month…new concept…I have visited this website a few times over the past few years…I like the idea of sharing online our thoughts about step one.
I came to my first al-anon meeting when i was obsessed with my teen age daughter’s drinking and behavior. I came with alot of fear, because drinking and driving had killed my husband. I knew my life was unmanageable as the first step suggests…but I had no idea that i was powerless over my daughter’s choices. What kind of Mom has no power over her child…especially when her child is making bad choices ?? Al-anon taught me alot about the family disease of alcoholism. Just like i am powerless over a disease like cancer, I am powerless over what alcoholism does to my daughter. I finally realized that I was powerless when my daughter left home for a month. The first week , I did not know where she was ….talk about being powerless. That is when I learned to focus on the things I could change….ME !! my feelings, my fear, my uncertainty …I did that by talking on the phone to other al-anon friends and going to many extra meetings. I learned to take things One Day at a Time …One Hour at a Time sometimes….and I learned that others would help me deal with my feelings…I am blessed to be surrounded by such great people that share thier experience, strength and hope! and now we can share it online !! We are never alone!

By: C. lynn

C. lynn — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:43:47 +0000

This morning I went to an AL ANON meeting. What a difference from the first one I tried several months ago. But I am a different person than I was several months ago and whereas I was more “judging” I am now compasionate. Its what my life had become and I fit there. I am powerless over my alcoholic’s alcohol. What I found there was quite a mix of people, some dejected and tired but many upbeat and thankful. IT gave me hope. I still like the stories best of those who have left their alcoholic rather than remain because I don’t want my relationship with my alcoholic anymore. No trust that ever can be earned back and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying of rebounds.
Last night I found a bottle in her car. The old me would have dumped it out. Instead, I brought it in and left it on the kitchen counter for her to deal with. Its out of my hands and has always been no matter how much I tried to control it, police it or relished in the joy of all those promised new beginnings.
Also this morning I “moved into” the other bedroom. Not to be punitive. Not to be dramatic. I just simply need a space of my own to be and peace and a place to sleep where I don’t have to smell the stench of alcohol. She is devastated and called her sponsor; a telephone call that was better placed when she had the urge to drink. Point in fact she has never called her sponsor when she intended to drink; instead, she gave into it and lied to her sponsor and, ofcourse, to me.
I really don’t have alot of anger like I used to. I am more beaten down and in great need of finding joy again. I guess you could say that the focus is now on myself which is a great start. Yet, typical of my pattern, I may soon will feel sad, remorseful, nostalgic, then deeply depressed. To alieve these feelings I reconnect with her again, only to be disappointed again. My life has challenges otherwise: my ex moved our young daughter to New York and the separation has been heartbreaking; my parents are ill- mother has parkinsons and is declining and my dad is in a resthome with alzheimers. Because of these stressors I don’t have the emotional strength to file divorce papers. But I can, and I have been told its ok, to get some peace in this baby step of moving into another bedroom.
Sorry I have gone on and on. But this is my story and my struggle.
Thank you so much to all of you whose comments about your own life mirror mine in many ways. Its a God-send to have this support.

By: C. lynn

C. lynn — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 06:57:45 +0000

I am glad that I explored the Al-Anon site again because its a New Year and finally I can relate to STEP 1. My first exposure to an an-anon meeting did not go well. It was hard to find, got re-routed by a note on the door and walked in late. What I saw around me were a sorry group of devasted souls, old beyond their years, haggard. Nothing that was said seemed to be any value to where I was at that point plus the meeting was on a much later step and one that I didn’t comprehend anyway. The only story I liked was from a woman who divorced her husband. Those that stayed with their acoholic or decided to remain in their lives seemed pathetic AND THAT SURE AS HELL WAS NOT GOING TO BE ME. IT scared me. I didn’t want to be like them. I didn’t have to put up with my alcoholic. It was a new marriage, no kids, no house, nothing joint.
After several months of trying to fix my alcoholic and using power and control to no avail, I started to think that I should give al-anon another try. Somebody told me that MAYBE I landed on a group that was not a good fit. It occured to me that in trying to fight my alcoholics battle I was also fighting the “need” to be part of al-anon.
I still feel like ” I did not sign up for this”. I had no idea that my alcoholic was like this before we married..I just thought that she liked to party and was celebrating our new relationship. Now I basically want out of the relationship but I have given ultimatums and could not execute them. I felt bad. Loved her. Maybe if I could just hang in there and showed her that I love her enough, I COULD FIX IT. Already I know I can’t and that brings me to the first step. I have alot more to learn and alot needs to be repaired at this point…WITH MYSELF…and getting back to taking care of ME. ITs all been about her. Looking for clues that she has been drinking, searching her car everynight to find a bottle and sometimes finding one, the confrontation thereafter, the lies, her remorse, the promises that it won’t happen again, the secrets I keep from loved ones and friends and this constant BATTLE has exhausted me. I need peace. And I am going to a meeting tomorrow and will try more thereafter. My quest is no longer how I can fix my alcoholic…its how to have the courage of my convictions and do what is best for my life.

By: Nan

Nan — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 08:32:00 +0000

I am writing this to clear the air about the alcoholism around me that has affected my life. My father was an alcoholic. He died from the results of alcoholism when he was 52. My husband of over 40 years is a high functioning alcoholic. He drinks on the weekends and on vacation. He seldom becomes out of control, but does on occasion when he goes past his 3rd drink. A very close friend committed suicide after a lifetime of heavy drinking some years ago. My son has been an alcoholic for approximately 20 years. We employ him. He very seldom works now, but we still pay him. My husband and I are both enablers and have been for a very long time. We are both afraid to let him hit bottom, and yet we know that is what it will take if our son is ever to come to grips with his addiction. Although I am an author and teacher of the spiritual, I cannot bring myself to allow my son to bottom, even though I should know better. I have never been to a meeting, but ask for God’s help everyday to give me the strength to do what must be done. Thanks for giving me this venue to vent.

By: Eddie K

Eddie K — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:06:29 +0000

Dad could never get with listening to me share with him what it means to be powerless. He basically thinks it’s only ‘powerless after you drink alcohol”…He wouldn’t listen to my sharing about what AA says about this mental obsession that condemns alcoholics to drink again against their own will to not drink. Went to 60 meetings got ‘dry’…After 2 years white knuckling it he drank again. Got dry again last summer, and I tried again. He was told he “has a thousand sponsors in all the rooms”…some nonsense and it was in AA too!…He stopped going to AA meetings, without touching a single step and is dry now.

My first step comes from knowing that if I’m in a tug-o-war, I can get free not by pulling harder, but to drop the rope. I love him, and may only do more harm by “pushing” or “pulling”…I love him. I do wish he would accept the treatment plan. 12 steps worked for me. I think the most selfish part (hard to understand this) is that I want to have a relationship with Dad. I would love to be able to share moments with him, but I constantly judge how bashful he is. It is bad on my part, but the confusing part for a double-winner like me is knowing this would help him, and wanting what is best for Dad. I had to drop the rope and stop playing tug-o-war.

By: Luise

Luise — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:25:37 +0000

The second part of step one made sense to me much sooner than the first part. I needed to go to a lot of meetings in order to hear what I needed to hear. Quite a while into the program, without a sponsor, (which by the way I would not recommend), I finally heard a speaker phrase the first step in Al-Anone as follows:

“We in Al-Anon are powerless over other people; their actions; and their thinking; we are equally powerless over other places and things and our lives had become unmanageable.”

That was a huge eye-opener for me. The “we” part taught me that I am not alone, that others are suffering and have suffered like I do. It also opened my eyes to the fact that I cannot change my daughter, I cannot make her stop using, I cannot control her actions, nor do I have any control over what she is thinking. I needed to accept her as she was and admit that she suffered from a disease. The 3 “C’s” I didn’t Cause it; I cannot Control it; and I certainly cannot Cure it; make perfect sense now. It became clear to me that the only person I could change was me. Now I also understood why I kept hearing “Keep the focus on yourself” all the time.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change (my daughter and other family members); Grant me the courage to change the person that I can change “me”; and the wisdom to keep the focus on my-self.”

My daughter was in her thirties, and I was totally pre-occupied and obsessed with “fears” that came up with my daughter’s and her daughter’s lives. I kept confusing caring with controlling simply because I didn’t know how to allow or permit them their dignity of being them-selves. I denied them the right to experience their own lives and let them make their own mistakes and learn from them. I continually allowed them to always count on me to make everything better, such as bailing her out from jail, paying her fines; buying them a home; providing a car; paying for gas, paying car insurance; buying groceries, cleaning their home; washing their clothes etc. all in the name of making things easier on them and in the name of caring and loving them.

I finally did learn that I needed to do my step work and I got a sponsor. I have met with my sponsor on a weekly basis for several years now. The first step is just that, the first step into the right direction, pointing to recovery! I finally practice my “Fear” the right way, “Face everything and recover!” I get it.

We gain Recovery through the Steps; Unity through the Traditions; and learn Service through the Concepts. I am a very grateful member of Al-Anon and will stay in this program for the rest of my life.

By: Kathleen

Kathleen — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 06:54:56 +0000

I was unable to attend my meeting tonight but I am so grateful to have found this podcast on Step One. I needed to be reminded of my powerlessness over my husband’s drinking. The shares I heard tonight reminded me to keep the focus on myself – to make changes in me that will bring me closer to the person I want to be. I love my husband very much and it hurts so much to see the toll that alcohol has taken on him, but I am powerless to stop it. I cannot change another person, only myself. When I forget this, my life spins out of control. Step One helps me get back on track.

By: Laura

Laura — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 01:37:14 +0000

I am ready to release the energy it takes to continue “keeping things under control” as I now admit I am powerless over the disease of alcoholism. The control I was battling for has continued for over 25 years and I now see how it has crossed into other parts of my life, including work, parenting and other relationships. I labeled my behaviors as organization, strict routine, expectations, but it is really trying to control power over people and things. I have control only over myself. I am ready to let go everywhere else.

By: Jen

Jen — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 01:06:35 +0000

My roommate has a drinking problem. I told him last night that I was kicking him out because I can’t handle his drinking (and then how MEAN he gets) anymore. Today, he went out, got drunk, fell down, hit his head and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I went to pick him up from the ER. Am I enabling him? Should I just have let them take him to the “drunk tank” when he was released from the hospital (since he was STILL drunk), which is what they were going to do if no one had picked him up?

On the way home, he admitted that he had a drinking problem, and that he had a lot of pain inside. However, he seems to feel that going to meetings is asking for help, which is “weak.” He thinks he can do it on his own. I came online to look up AA meetings for him and found this site as well. I’m just starting to read through everything, but it looks as though I’m about to learn a lot. =-)

I will stand by him if he agrees to stop drinking and get help. However, I cannot stand by and watch him destroy himself anymore….because it’s destroying me, too. He’s one of my best friends, and I love him. I feel very alone right now, and I feel like a crappy friend because I’m not willing or able to be there “unconditionally” anymore. But I have to take care of myself, too, and he’s so MEAN, not physically, but verbally, when he’s drunk, which is ALL THE TIME now. It’s breaking my heart.

By: Judy

Judy — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 17:48:35 +0000

Knowing I am powerless and accepting powerlessness are two different matters. I am sure I knew I was powerless when I walked into my first meeting. That’s why I was so angry about not being able to change someone else’s behavior. Trying to change him made my life unmanageable because I had no time for myself, the house, or my work–not to mention a spiritual life. I was obsessed with trying to fix the situation. However, once I learned about alcoholism and truly realized I was powerless, I set about making my life better. Admitting and accepting are two different things! Acceptance has been my pathway to peace.

By: Jo S.

Jo S. — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 15:47:28 +0000

I agree that it would be great if these were also transcribed. I ran into trouble because as I listened, the alchoholic overheard–I don’t own an I-pod, and this can be an inflammable situation. I really appreciated the sharings. Jo. s

By: Catherine

Catherine — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 03:17:19 +0000

I grew up in a household where my mother abused alcohol and prescription drugs. She went to AA and had many good years, but continued to abuse any type of depressant pill. My brother suffers from pill addiction. It has affected me very deeply to see the people I love do those things to themselves. My sister’s daughter seems to have a problem and there is shouting and screaming and calls to me of despair. Now I believe my son has a problem with alcohol.
I decided to look up Al Anon as I know I can not change my son’s, or my brother’s or my niece’s behavior. I do not want to live with the horrible anxiety that accompanies this family disease. I want to be happy. I will work the steps and do the best I can.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 21:16:34 +0000

I had a hard time doing step one today….I realized at some point…what I really need to do for myself….and thats put myself number one…..and take care of me ……I fell two steps back…but I learned something …so now I feel that my steps forward will be better…..

I really don’t like the way I feel when I go backwards….for me eating sugar puts me in a state of mind..I truly do not like..and then I come down…and then I get depressed…so TAKING CARE OF MYSELF….REALLY HAS TO BE NUMBER ONE…..

TOMORROW IS A NEW DAY……….

I FORGIVE MYSELF LYNN

By: Cindy

Cindy — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 22:14:24 +0000

In Al-Anon we come to see that alcoholism is, indeed, a family disease. We all suffer. We can all recover. It looks different in every family, but many of the feelings are the same.

In Al-Anon meetings we get the chance to hear that others are going (or have gone) through similar struggles, and we can take the time to make decisions that are best for us. There is no ‘one right way’ to do anything.

My time in Al-Anon has taught me how to work the Steps, to develop a relationship with a Higher Power, to cultivate space in my day for prayer and meditation. This brings me the serenity that comes with knowing that while I may not have the answer right away, I can get the clarity – in Al-Anon – to come to a decision that will work for me.

And that is a life habit I can sustain! Good luck, Tina. I hope you find an Al-Anon Family Group near you, that you can attend meetings and find some literature to read. And hopefully you will find a home in the fellowship of Al-Anon to support you during your journey.

By: susie

susie — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 20:53:49 +0000

you need to come to this decison on our own. I woud recmmend run dn’t walk to te nearest alonon meeting and share your jouney. going to meetings seem to have a way of making you look, at yourself, if he is in jail for hurting you, you need to see that u deseve better for yourself, let it be about you.

By: Tina

Tina — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 10:42:13 +0000

I have been told this is a lot of help for families of Alcoholics. My husband is an alcohol abuser and he can not stop. We had a physical confertation and I had him arrested. I am moving away from him because I can not deal with it any more. Am I doing the right thing?

By: J'net

J'net — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 22:07:53 +0000

I began with Step One in Al-Anon over three years ago with my sponsor, and I was grateful and ready for this spiritual path that I could begin. My daughter and her disease of alcoholism had brought me to my knees. I was willing to do anything to help her, as I felt guilt and shame for my untreated crazy behavior having grown up with my parents’ alcoholism; and I knew deep inside that I was also a part of the problem. So many lessons since then.

Today Step One guides me daily through my HP, prayer, meditation, daily readers, weekly meetings, phone calls, and now in my service back to the newcomers and in my groups. The more I willingly admit powerlessness over others, or situations, or things, the more I willingly surrender that huge responsibility to my HP in a loving way, in a prayerful way. Step One helps me to keep the focus on me in my daily practice of recovering who I am and that is quite enough! Thanks.

By: susie

susie — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 21:25:25 +0000

I just started going to meetings since july. it took me at least 10 years to walk in the doors,being of a produt of an whole alcolhol family ,,Irish, everybody drank ,fought, cried, you name it. I have been married 3 times, none have been alcoholic,but I still suffer from the effects, it seemed nobody I talked to understood.
I thought I could fix everything, but now I know I was powerless, and still am. what got me to a meeting was my son is an alcoholic and I’m scared I’m going to bury him. he is in total denial, because h works 12 hr. days. when I walked in my first meeting I thought if I can come away frrom that meeting with one thing I’ll keep going back.
Then at one point the leadr said it is time o put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror. I was floored! that was me! I was still trying to control my kids life and almost everyboy I know.I was going to fixeverything for everybody,meanwhile I’ve been in theapy on and off for 20 years, have taken every antidepressant manufactured nothing worked a lot of them made me worse. after going to alonon for just 7mnths I can’t believe how my eye,s have been opened, everything that I thought just happened to me by the alcoholics was being said by all these other ordinary looking people. I don’t kno what I would do without these meetings, reading support system and people that GET IT!
I have a long road ahead of me I till don’t havea sponsor but I am keeping my eyes and ears open at meetings. alonon has saved me, I’m lookinf forward to the future, for now I know I’m powerless over the alcoholic and other people that are toxic tome and I am working on myself. I have to be honest it’s not easy letting go of these old habits, but i”M taking small steps. and I am catching myself when in a conversation to just listen and be commpassonate and stop trying to fix it.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 19:56:04 +0000

I realize, taking time for myself…like walking, meditation, going to bed early, and relaxing, being in the woods, near a lake, near a river, helps me let go of the things that I need let go of …and it also reminds me I have no control over these things, and I can enjoy the peacefulness that these things bring to me…..and helps me connect to a higher state of mind…..nature is healing for me….

By: Admin

Admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 15:49:09 +0000

Several people have asked that the podcasts be transcribed. Unfortunately, that is not possible at this time. Perhaps, a friend would download it onto a CD for those who have a CD player. If not, the blog is fully self-supporting in that the comments don’t require hearing the podcasts. The podcasts are also available on iTunes (not an endorsement) so if you have a player that works with that software you may be able to download and listen there.

Thanks to each of you who are making this new idea a success. There are on-line meetings for those who need to share on a daily basis and need to find a sponsor to help them work through their daily problems. Links to locate a meeting including telephone and internet meetings can be found at the link at the beginning of the blog.

I’m learning a lot about the First Step again and it’s because of all of your great sharings.

By: Abby V

Abby V — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 21:04:32 +0000

After 20 years in Al-Anon, in May of 2009 I was back to Step 1. My husband had open heart surgery and I became powerless over ice cream, Chicken Alfredo and half n half – my husband’s drugs of choice. My friends in the fellowship looked at me in shock as they saw the affects of my struggle to try to get my serenity back after his debilating illness. What did I do? I went back to the basic tools of the program: reading my literature every day, talking to my sponsor, getting on my knees, attending meetings, talking a walk, a bath, doing the dishes, the Serenity Prayer, the slogans – all the tools can flooding back to me and I grabbed for them like a lifeline. I had been asked to be a keynote speaker at a group’s anniversary in a neighboring town two weeks after his surgery. Despite my husband’s weakened condition, I kept that commitment because it was what I needed to get myself back on track. Today I have my serenity back and my husband is doing well. I still slip and go back into control mode, but quickly remember Step 1 and that at times I’m powerless over my own behavior – that’s when I ask my Higher Power to step in and restore me to sanity. Thank you Al-Anon for your lifesaving tools!

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 23:30:59 +0000

My experience for the day has be interesting…I have really put effort in myself….and I also stopped the guilt in my head….about what I dont know….but its stopped…enjoyed my day with ME!!!

I found myself calling my daughter which lives 4400 miles away from me….and I COULD HARDLY BELIEVE MYSELF after I got off the phone…I realized, yes there was a loving conversation, but bits and pieces of the conversation!!!…I WAS TRYING TO BE CONTROLLING….how I love my daughter for being strong and not letting me control her decsions …THIS IS A HUGE AWAKING FOR MYSELF…… I was thinking that GRANDMA KNOWS BEST STUFF….. eeeeegads….what do I know!!!! I was going into the protector mode of my grand daughter ….WHO AM I TO THINK THAT I AM RIGHT….This blog is my first of working though these issues….I am heading for the first Al-anon meeting that I can find…I have come a long way in my recovery, ..I am happy to say that I will treat myself with kid gloves…..I have learned something today about myself, and I am thrilled for that…I CANT FORCE RECOVERY ON OTHERS… thats not my job….
Thanks to all for sharing..I learn something from every blog….
Lynn

By: Rose

Rose — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:57:15 +0000

I have been in Al-Anon since last spring. I have been struggling with survivor’s guilt and feeling like I don’t need to be in Al-Anon because all of my family have passed on. But I do need to be here because each time I go to a meeting or pick up CAL, I get something out of it. Deep sadness has left me and feelings of peace and belonging have replaced it. I am in a much deeper relationship with my Higher Power for which I thank Him every day. I am more involved in life than I have ever been. For me, that’s a miracle.

By: John B. AZ

John B. AZ — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:44:34 +0000

Yes this family disease — alcoholism. It’s a “train wreck”. No one left un-harmed. I grew up surrounded by alcohol abuse. Alcohol was the lubricant fostering family dysfunctional behavior –anger brewed up, hidden resentments unleashed, emotional and physical violence, emotional and physical abandonment, sexual inappropriateness, and other addictions fueled -gambling, over-eating, co-dependence — this negativity affecting all family members – those drinking or not, child and adult a like, each member trying to survive – to gain some safety from the insanity.

In all this I try to understand. But can a 6 year old understand insanity? Things are good and jovial , then become a nightmare. When I became a teen, I began to understand the pressures and triggers to drinking. By then my survival role was – be a nice boy, be the fixer, be the comforter, be the know it all. I was parent to my siblings, and my drunken parents. Yet, still powerless over the insanity but still trying.
This was my way to fight the fear, and the hopelessness fostered by alcohol. My grandfather drank all day long. No one said grandpa was a drunk – it was just the family thing. That didn’t lessen the pain.

A family disease – consider the genetic link. ACOA’s more likely for a drinking problem. Al-Anon helped me understand that and deal with it. I survived that train wreck. My life is today founded on the Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps, trust in my HP, and the principals of Al-Anon. But I must be diligent, attend f2f meetings, be active in an on-line Al-Anon meeting, and share my story. I understand powerlessness; I know what unmanageably is about; by the grace of my HP and the love of Al-Anon I almost manage to avoid them – almost!

By: Anne D.

Anne D. — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:05:38 +0000

Before I ever entered the rooms of Al-Anon, I knew that I was powerless over alcohol and the alcoholics drinking. What I continue to struggle with is my powerlessness over “people, places and things”, other people’s thinking and words and actions. I keep trying to change other people. The best tool, for me, in this struggle is the Serenity Prayer. Whenever I find myself in this struggle, trying to change someone else, I am reminded to walk myself thru the prayer…to accept the things I cannot change – I have to look at what I am trying to do and accept the impossibility of it…courage to change the things I can – what here can I do differently and pray for the willingness and ability to change….and wisdom to know the difference – I pray for this all the time, this wisdom to know and recognize what I can and cannot change, so that my struggles will ease, lessen. These struggles and the discord they create are really of my own making. With the help of Al-Anon, the 12 Steps, the Serenity Prayer and my Higher Power, I can get better one day at a time, one struggle at a time.

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 10:16:42 +0000

Today is a new day…. Just discovered this blog last night…have re-read everyones comments…. which help me so much….help me to see clearer…. I am not rushing out of bed this morning….to tend to the Alcoholics needs….this moment is going to be my moment…..and I will concentrate on the three C’s.. Today I am going to make sure I spend the day doing healthy things for myself…its sunday, so there are no demands of other aspects of life….so am just going to make this my day….today I will go to the bookstore, spend loads of time there….sit and have a cup of tea, and just enjoy my breathing…..and my mantra for the the day will be…..TO LET GO, AND FIND MY OWN HEALTHY PATH FOR LIFE…… After reading and finding this blog, last night I had a very good night sleep…which I havent in the past month. I AM NOT ALONE….as I have been feeling….the recovery process over the years has come to me in waves….I will do very good for a few years and the all of a sudden something will come up I read in melody beaties book, this can be what she decribes as recycling ……..I was so happy to find a name for it…

I will use this blog to express myself and my feelings, I feel trapped alot of the time, and I need an outlet for these emotions… THIS MAKES ME FEEL STRONG….FOR MYSELF…

Lynn

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:45:15 +0000

Hello everyone, Just listened to the podcast step one….WOW FANTASTIC.!!! Just what I needed to hear …Thank you again ….Lynn

By: Lynn

Lynn — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 23:21:42 +0000

I am thrilled to find this blog!!! I really need this! I am 50 years old, and I have been on a long road to recovery… 2 steps forward 1 back 2 steps forward 1 back… I was raised in a alcohol dysfunctional situation, I went on to marry, a workaholic, married for 25 years. And now I am married again, to a alcoholic, and have been for 2 years… I had told myself I would not be in a dysfunctional situation again …but here I am… I am out to learn to do self-care…I really am at my wits end….only because trying to manage my life, I am American, and I have moved and married someone here in the United Kingdom….so I have changed my life unbelievable!!! I am starting to feel trapped and that is the last thing I want to feel…I feel like personally I have really gone backwards….I need to learn self-care, I could leave and go back to the states, but I am not going too….at this time …I really want to work on myself in this situation ….My husband is a “Nice” alcoholic. So this is making it more difficult for me, I have never been involved with Al-anon so I really really believe that this is going to help me, I have come a long way in other aspects of my life. My situation is I live on 110 acres in the middle of know where. I dont drive here, so I feel a bit trapped, I am in the process of studying for my drivers license, (cant drive on American) license here.. I am not working, I just got the ok to be able to work here in the UK. So thats my next step, so in the mean time I really really need to focus on self care, I am looking for an Al-anon meeting to go too….

I in no way make excuses for my husband I am over that, right now I am at the stage..of discovering what I need to do for myself… and so happy I came across this blog.

I have some questions…when Al-non materials mentions Alcoholic as a family problem, I dont quit understand that part….I do KNOW FOR SURE, THAT I AM CO-DEPENDENT, OF other peoples problems, I work on giving this up daily.

What my goal in all of this is …is to TAKE CARE OF ME!! My husband is a very functioning alcoholic…very dependable working, worked for the same company for over 20 years……his drinking starts from 4-6 in the evenings and last until bedtime…this is a daily basis he doesnt eat right, I JUST SEE THAT WE BOTH DO NOT LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST THAT IT COULD BE LIVED…AND THIS IS WHAT BOTHERS ME….. I am out to change this in my life for myself…when he is sober. He is very open about talking about his drinking, he feels guilty, has tried to stop drinking, but just says he cant… I tell him I worry about what its all doing to his health, we are not young!!! And what quality of life do you want to live…I think the more I must talk the more it may make him feel bad…so I am here to learn how to talk to an alcoholic, and how to have my own boundaries as well with the situation…

MY GOAL IS SELF-CARE WITH OUT GUILT….

THANKS TO ALL FOR SHARING, I REALLY LEARN when I hear other peoples stories, Thank you gain ….. Lynn

By: Sharon

Sharon — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 20:30:05 +0000

I am a newcomer to Al-Anon but not to a 12-Step Program; having only joined in September!

I am currently working my step one and it is so liberating to learn that I had choices. I didn’t have to accept anyone’s inappropriate behaviors or how they treated me. I am learning that if I don’t want to be walked all over, I need to stop putting myself on the floor like a carpet. I cannot control what other people put into their bodies. Similarly, they cannot control what I put into mine. I can offer suggestions or make recommendations about what may be healthier or less dangerous to them but in the end, it is not my decision to make. I can only be accountable to myself and control what I choose to put into my body. If I choose to eat healthy with things like more grains, fruits and vegetables and less meat, that is something I choose to do and not something I can force upon anyone else. But, I can cook that way for others and if they don’t like it, then I can take those comments and not be offended but rather take them as advice about how to cook for the next time.

I cannot completely control another person’s behavior. I can put up boundaries and set up consequences for inappropriate behaviors or actions but I can’t force people to behave the way I want them to. I have my own thoughts and opinions and no one can take them away from me. I need to learn that it is okay to agree to disagree but if someone is acting a particular way and I think it may be hurtful or dangerous to me or to someone else, I can remove myself from the situation instead of getting wrapped up in the chaos and dysfunction.

I am also learning that I am worthy of so much and that I have to put myself first. I always put everyone else’s wants and needs above my own and when I found time for myself, I always felt guilty about it and stopped doing it. I now take time each week, just for me!

By: Josie

Josie — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 16:31:00 +0000

Dianne A,

Thank you so much for your wonderful words-I have been an Al-Anon member for a long time, and this blog helps me keep my program on track! Such wisdom!

By: Josie

Josie — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 15:42:46 +0000

Please transcribe podcasts-love the previous blogs, and my computer’s sound card is broken. Thank you.

By: John B. AZ

John B. AZ — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 05:29:21 +0000

Since 2006 I’ve had the opportunity to attend an Al-Anon Step Study group using “Paths to Recovery”. So this year’s Blog focus on the Steps will be so supportive to my study at our weekly meetings. And I have found that this ongoing review is so important to both the growth and the stability of my Al-Anon recovery program.

My admission of powerlessness came over 26 years ago when I had taken my father for his second go around with detox. The culmination of a life-time enmeshed in a constant battle with excessive alcohol use by so many members of my childhood family. I finally hit my bottom. They were not going to change by anything I would or could do. I had to take my focus off of them and take care of me. Something I thought I was doing by taking care of them. But it was not working now and had not worked for so many years past.

I was so traumatized by their behavior that at my first Al-Anon meetings I was so uncomfortable listening to individuals share about their marriage to an alcoholics. The fears and desire to control and tell them what to do was overwhelming. My HP led me to Al-Anon ACOA. I was finally in a room with my brothers and sisters who knew what it was to grow up with this horrid disease and all the heart-ache that comes with it.

My journey of recovery started. The path to recovery starts in this humble way. On our knees – defeated, – at our wits end. The gift of recovery is the loving and caring interchange among Al-Anon members. Through our fellowship, bound by the language of alcoholism and finally freed by the language of hope and recovery, we start to learn in Al-Anon. WE admitted. WE are powerless. WE find our life unmanageable. Looking at and understand this reality opens the door for willingness, acceptance, and hope. So much ahead – thank God we take it one day at a time.

So another great benefit of our Al-Anon study groups is the sharing of newcomers. They have the power to remind me of my roots, and why I came to Al-Anon so many years ago. Last week a member of AA, an elderly woman – newly sobriety, and so confused by what to do about her husband who continues to drink. “Do I tell him not to drink near me?” “Do I tell him about AA?” “Do I leave the room, and how do we make a life like this – we were so comfortable drinking together before.” And that very day – January 12th – in the “Courage to Change” were the words of Al-Anon giving her the guidance just as I had found when I was so confused about my father, his drinking, and his sobriety. Today I understand, and can step back and feel comfortable – the product of my growth in Al-Anon.

Our availability to members of AA is a gift. The fact that our Al-Anon groups meet in a fellowship club house, a critical outreach for our fellowship. Again our HP doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. And the First Step – we are powerless over alcohol, and our lives had become unmanageable.

By: Greg A

Greg A — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 04:58:36 +0000

Just moved out of my house away from my wife. She refuses to get help. I know I can’t help her but hope that she would for herself. I love her so very much and hope for the best. Plan on going to a newcomers meeting on Wednesday.

By: gerri

gerri — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 02:54:14 +0000

I am very happy to find this blog. I have once again been reminded of the principles or the firststep, a I had drifted back into managing and this reminded me of my powerlessness, but my life could be managble again if I remember to practice this in my daily innereactions with all my circle of relations as while as the alcholic.
Thanks for this wonderful addition to the resources available to all who are endeavoring to work the steps and living them daily in our lives.

I enjoyed the podcast comments as while. I look forward to hearing the next step!

By: Teresa

Teresa — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 19:00:13 +0000

I was married to an alcoholic for 16 years and lived a life of never knowing when I would be beat or blamed for something. Completely scared to breathe at times… I divorced him and attended al-anon and private counseling with my children off and on. It always seemed hard to fit al-anon meetings into my schedule due to the busy schedules my children’s activities held. Being able to “blog” with a group may work! I like this idea…and I truly need the program. After being divorced for about a year and a half reconciliation with the man I divorced seemed to be working. He had been sober for near two years and attending AA once a week plus private counseling with the children and I. I decided that I would not marry again which was probably smart on my part. Recently, after living with this man for four years the last two being back to the same. He does not drink nor does he beat me but the emotional abuse is alive and lurking in every corner. I found out about two weeks ago that he has secretly been having a relationship with two other women. That which has brought me here. I need to find my serenity again! Thank God for Al-Anon.

By: Cheryl

Cheryl — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 23:57:29 +0000

I am celebrating 32 years of participating in Al-Anon as of last month. No matter how long I’ve been in the program, I know I’ll never (and never plan to) graduate, and I keep coming back to Step One.

I am reminded of my own powerlessness over alcohol and other people when I talk to newcomers and potential members face-to-face or over the phone. Reaching out to new members reminds me of what it was like when I first showed up at an Al-Anon meeting and how powerless and unmanageable my life felt at the time.

When I hear newcomers express a desire to help the alcoholics in their lives, I tell them that they’re in the right place and to keep coming back. I need to keep coming back too, to meetings and to Step One. I have made lots of progress in my recovery, but I’m still powerless over other people and many things in my life, and I still need the fellowship to remind me of that and to help me Let Go and Let God.

By: Rebecca

Rebecca — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 18:54:36 +0000

5 years ago my life was unmanageable because I, well into adulthood, was obsessed with all the things my mother said about me not being what a daughter should be, which were aggressively said (shouted/screamed) in response to me setting boundaries. I finally went to my first meeting when I could not control my ability to take what my mother said to me personally and I surrendered to the unbearable pain and obsession. I accepted that I had to do something besides everything else I ever tried–therapy, self help, spirituality. I still do those things, but all in support of my 12 step Al-Anon recovery.

The outbursts, large and small, may be a drug addiction and borderline personality talking, but it still does hurt. A day at a time I know it’s possible to detach and not take it personally. This first step helps me accept myself–I’m powerless over a person’s disease, and how they treat me as a result of that disease, and I’m powerless over feeling hurt by what they say. My life has become more manageable by using the tools of the program and detaching more from my family. I can “go where it’s warm” and I appreciate that meetings are a safe space where people love me “in a very special way” whether it’s my first or hundredth meeting. I cherish being told I don’t have to accept unacceptable behavior.

I’m powerless over every aspect of my life, and am addicted to the illusion of control, probably a habit picked up from feeling like there were times when I could give my mother what she wanted and I felt safe, though it didn’t last. Now I have program friends and meetings that are much more reliable, and steps that ground me in reality not denial. I’ve written steps 1-3 in Paths to Recovery 3 times, and dabbled in the 4th step, and am now writing them again, hopefully I’ll do even more with step 4 and get into the subsequent steps for even deeper healing. I’m grateful to reflect on step one because being powerless not helpless, and powered by the care of a higher power that’s not a person, place, or thing, is still a new idea for me.

By: Dianna

Dianna — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 17:54:05 +0000

What a great asset to Al-anon, a podcast and blog! I listened and thought the podcast was very clear, and those that shared their experience, strength and hope were encouraging. I’ve been working on my powerlessness and detaching. I’m living with a sober alcoholic (thank my HP) but it is so easy to get caught up in someone else’s bad mood. It’s nice to know I can access this and listen to voice of reason even when I can’t make a call during work time. Thank you for this resource!

By: Mollymum

Mollymum — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 15:27:57 +0000

I’m so glad that it’s January and time to ‘do’ Step 1 again. I’ve been around this wonderful fellowship for a few years now, but I can still ‘forget’ step 1 and then again my life spirals into unmanageability.
Re-aquainting myself with the principles of the first 3 steps allows me to remember that powerlessness does not mean helplessness, and my HP is always there with the power I need, and that I only have to ask for guidance.
I have been struggling with a decision that feels as though it is ‘needing’ to be made, but again I’m being reminded that all I can do is find and evaluate all the info I need to make that decision, take a tiny step in that direction, then trust my HP with the outcome.
I have been given so many gifts since I began my recovery from the effects of living with an alcoholic, and service to Al-Anon has and does play a big part in my life; finding this ‘blog’ is my nicest present so far in 2010!

By: Midbar

Midbar — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 08:37:16 +0000

I didn’t believe in God when I began the steps, but I did realize I was powerless, which implied that “I” was not God. I was not omnipotent or omniscient.

It was a great relief not to have to be “God.” I could just be myself and not cure, heal or control the world and my significant others.

I also realized my life was unmanageable; I needed help; I could not sanely survive alone. Those realizations, inherent to Step 1, were more than enough to get started in Al-Anon. The rest would come one day at a time.

By: Mirian

Mirian — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 01:51:12 +0000

I did the steps before and now I need to do them again. Now that I don’t have and active alcoholic in my life other things are making my life crazy. I spoke with my sponsor and I asked her to help me with the steps again. I started reading Path to Recovery Firt Step. How true it is . I did not caused, I can not cured or control it. I CAN ONLY CONTROL AND CURE MYSELF.

By: Linda R - OR

Linda R - OR — Sun, 10 Jan 2010 21:50:06 +0000

My first meeting in Al-Anon was June 14, 2007. I will always be greatful to the high school guidance counselor who recommended I go. I was desperate to do anything to get my daughter to stop drinking, and had been in denial for six years because my ex-husband was an alcoholic and I could not believe that life could be so unfair as to really give me two alcoholics in my life. A devastating car crash was my wake up call, but the drama and trauma had been going on for years.

I don’t remember what was said at that first meeting, but I remember the peace and serenity that other members had and I wanted that. After the initial disappointment of realizing I was not going to be told how to fix my daughter, for the first time I looked at focusing on my life. I had spent over 20 years working so hard to make everything look good on the outside, but I was a total mess on the inside.

My life is totally different today. Totally. I got a sponsor, worked the steps, go to meetings when I can, read the daily readers every morning, participate in an online TStep group, and have collected many CDs and cassettes of Al-Anon speakers. The tools of the Al-Anon program are amazing, and are always available to me. I just have to use them. I have peace and serenity on a daily basis. It was a rare occurence prior to joining Al-Anon. When I want to experience unconditional love, and have a safe place to share, all I have to do is go to a meeting.

When I start feeling fear and my life seems out of control, I go right back to Step 1. I am powerless. My life is unmanageable. And when I let it go, I get everything: an incredible relationship with my Higher Power, freedom to focus on my own life, peace and serenity.

I just had a wonderful visit with my daughter over Christmas break. She has not chosen recovery and is still active. And that’s her choice. She has her own Higher Power. Once I got out of her life, and focused on my own, I learned to love and cherish her for the beautiful person she is, who happens to have a disease. We have a relationship today that I never would of dreamed was possible. And I learned that the only thing fair in life is the one that comes here once a year in September.

By: Kimberly M

Kimberly M — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 11:41:00 +0000

Step one has helped me to realize that I am powerless over people, places and things. It has given me the freedom to live my life and put the focus back on me. I am free from the daily chore of trying to run, fix and figure out my alcoholic’s life.

I let go and let God……daily.

By: Barbara W.

Barbara W. — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 01:19:13 +0000

The word “admitted” means “to let in”. The highest hurdle for me was to let in another person. I didn’t want to admit how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become! Denial was comfortable and familiar to me – a security blanket of denial. It was a challenge for me to see MY part in how unmanageable my life was – so much easier to blame the alcoholic! Surrendering had negative connotations to me. Al-Anon helped me re-define words. I found that when I surrendered, I won and that a problem shared was a problem cut in half. It took me a long time before I could talk in a meeting or share with another member, but listening allowed me to circle the sandbox and build trust. I witnessed unconditional love as I listened to the loving interchange. I was drawn to the smiles and the laughter. No one asked where I lived, what I did for a living or who I was living with. The group encouraged me to buy Al-Anon literature instead of placing money in the basket. I was given phone numbers with the reassurance that these phones worked 24 hours a day. Accepting that first word (we) of the first Step, opened windows for me, and allowed a breeze of fresh air to drift into my house.

Today, I recognize the presence of alcoholism, rearing its ugly head, when I doubt my reality and my self esteem plummets. As long as there is a breath in me, I am affected by the disease of alcoholism. Al-Anon offers me a program that helps me choose the path that enhances my self esteem and view the world as it is, not as I would have it be.