I grew up taking care of my four younger sisters… My father was never home and my mother didnt get sober until i turned 16…for that year especially, i had to take care of everyone.
I feel as though i’m reliving my childhood in this relationship. I am grateful for the opportunity I am being given to do that, because this time i am offered a chance to heal, to give up the fight, to say, “Alright, I’m losing this battle. This one’s lost. What’s Next?” and move on to the next phase of my own growth of consciousness…

I’ve been sober for four years, and I’m now beginning to understand the reasons behind why I drank. The feelings behind my drinking. I wanted relief from feeling like i had to be in-control. I still do, but the option to drink is no longer on the table for me. So I have to give up those responsibilities. To REALLY begin to love the little girl inside, and to say, the world is not my fault. I am responsible for myself. The only thing i can control are my own actions. I don’t have to react.

Thanks Alanon for being here. I havent gotten the willingness to go to more than two meetings face to face, but im going online and it’s helping a lot. I know my actions will add up and that eventually i’ll find the courage to change.

For someone who may be ‘chemically dependent’ (i.e. addicted to alcohol or any other drug. Sometimes people dependent on alcohol will abuse a stimulant/upper to attempt to function/go to work/hang out, etc.) the first step would be going to a support group and getting an ‘assessment’ (evaluation).

Due to the severe risks of stopping drinking it’s best to call a local hospitals medical detoxification (‘detox’) for an evaluation. From there a specialist determines whether medical detox is required (often with alcohol, for example, seizures can take place and yes they can be deadly).

The detox ‘intake’ specialist will then refer the person to medical detox or less likely to residential/’inpatient’ for a 2 or 3 week program (varies widely, longer programs often approved when women are pregnant for example).

After any medical detox to keep the person safe getting off alcohol there is either inpatient our outpatient based on the individual’s needs (explored in an assessment/interview) to determine residential/non residential.

Outpatient varies in intensity or frequency that is. A few times a week for a few hours a day, almost every day of the week etc. depending on the assessment/needs of that person. Urine tests called ‘UA’s are done for accountability.

‘Aftercare’ is a term sometimes used for after more frequent outpatient…it may just be weekly…

I would think that if someone qualifies for residentialinpatient that they generalliy are recommended to slowly decrease structure…going then to outpatient before or after work…getting what is known as ‘clean and sober’ housing before returning to live at hoome (so that signs of using and immediate support are available with roommates)…

One source for clean and sober housing are The Oxford House. People who are chemically dependent can search for openings to rent a room in a real home, some allow pets and they are individually run.

So before you go doing the work for someone else consider just sending them: I learned that living with other people working a program of recovery can really help and The Oxford House is a nationwide group that lists rooms to rent in ‘clean and sober housing’ that meets their group’s criteria. I learned that generally you need to already have a job and that you do need to pay some up front rent money. The interview you on the phone or in person and there is a weekly house meeting. Some even have pets and you can stay as long as it’s working out, that’s up to you. I also learned going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and getting a sponsor asap that you can call anytime is a free way to get help from people who really get the disease of addiction. And that you can call around for medical detox at the hospitals or even go to an ER and ask for detox off of alcohol for a referral. I’m going to leave the research up to you, because I love you but I no longer want to be doing the work that benefits you the most. After all, the choice is ultimately yours.

Working on myself and changing the things that I can, is enough to keep me busy. I have a full life and have gotten to the point where I have learned to smile. I feel grateful to have been brought to my “Bottom” because so much of me has changed as a result of my husbands illness.

I will not say every day is a bed of roses. There are times I get lonley and wish I had my husband back. But I also have tools to work the program and keep the focus on me. I can only pray that my husband will desire a recovery program. That too is in God’s hands and His timing. My job is to try and be the best me I can be and to continue to work on me. Hang in there and don’t give up. The road to recovery is not easy but is very rewarding. They say “It works if you work it” I have found it to be true. We are not guaranteed that our loved ones will find sobriety, but we can learn to be content and even happy wheather the alcoholic is still drinking or not. That to me was a miracle as I never thought I could be content if “He” did not change.

Maybe this is my realization of the first step. I can get all lawyered-up and try once more to force the issue but perhaps I am powerless after all. Sure feels unmanageable.

Today I have been pushed to the limit finally, and am starting to accept that I can’t do anything to help him or to change our relationship until he engages with it. It is a struggle, my mum was always sick when I was a child and I have known for some time that that affected me. I thought I had dealt with it, but life’s events have shown me differently! I still want to make him better, even when it practically breaks me to try. I like the idea that you work with these steps daily, and that there isn’t a point at which you or anyone else is ‘fixed’ – you just keep trying your best each day. And I am going to try really really hard to accept where I have no power. To face the fears that make me desperate to fix things, and to focus on myself. I have no power over him, or anyone, to change; I can only stick to my own healthy ground rules. Is that the difference between love and codependency? I would like to help others, but it has to be on the basis that they engage with it and respect me. Not at any cost.

Yesterday he told me that because he has essentially (except for a few times) been alcohol free for a few months, he now knows that he doesn’t have a drinking problem. He told me that he knows himself and there is no issue, it’s all in my head and it’s my issue.

My reaction was to try to gain control over the situation by telling him that he does have a problem and that he needs to talk to someone if he doesn’t believe me. He’s been deceitful to me several times over alcohol and drug related issues and I questioned whether or not he was being honest about a discussion he had with his psychiatrist. Obviously I haven’t yet realized that I’m powerless over alcohol.

He left the house and I haven’t heard from him since other than him texting me to leave him alone. This is very painful and I’m not sure that I want to have this drama and hurt in my life. We have a baby and if not for her, I wouldn’t even be trying and I have to wonder if it would be better for her for me not to try anymore.

I want to say to him that he either needs to enter the program or I won’t continue in the marriage, but that feels like I’m trying to control him and the situation. It’s like an ultimatum for him to conform to my wishes.

If he had cancer, I’d be by his side, because he’s an alcoholic, I want to leave. I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong.

What I was blind to, or couldn’t let myself see, was my husband gradually going from a cocktail at the end of the day to “relax with” to a very real and growing problem drinker. For the last year, it had become “normal” for me to expect that he would start out jovially, then as the level in the vodka bottle fell, move to anger that I didn’t love him enough, that I was selfish, to maudlin self pity and nobody ever loved him, etc until he finally passed out on the couch and I just left him there and went up to bed alone. I didn’t dare wake him because I knew he would just drink some more.

A car accident that he had while drinking finally pushed him into AA. Yesterday he picked up his 30-day chip. He seems to be really working the program, although he’s been talking about doing the fourth step for quite a few days and so far has only bought notebooks for it. I think he dreads it. I know, I KNOW, it’s none of my business. It’s his business, but I am so used to waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Step one is hard, because the illusion of having control has been with me for so long. No, it didn’t work for me, but at least it felt like I was trying to do something to help him. Now I know I wasn’t helping him at all when I begged and nagged. thank y’all for letting me say all this.

I have no time to dread step 1. I know I will have to go through each and every one of my life experiences and connect them to my thinking errors that I live with today. It's gonna take a while and it'll hurt like mad. But as I said, I have no time to dread or avoid working through it all.

When I shared an extremely difficult memory of mine the other day at my home group, my sponsor told me to write about how this experience in particular has affected myself today and how has it made my life unmanageable. And at first, I thought, "wellll …. it hasn't really affected me that much, I mean I try not to think about it and that way I dont get upset," But as I started writing… I gave myself time to realize just how deeply embedded this experience is and how it explains why I panic and get extremely frustrated when my husband or mother or friend blows off what I'm saying to them. It explains why I feel I need to be thoroughly heard and understood.
When we speak, we think with just the surfaces of our minds, but when we write, we give ourselves tie to really dig deep and figure out just HOW our experiences have created the inability to manage our lives today.

I have so much to discover in this program and I hope that my perspective can help clarify for newcomers and even anybody at all that stumbles upon this.

- Elena

One reason is that once I got to know my will, power, and willpower a bit in late adolescence as I got some freedom and my own identity, the idea of years later of willingly letting it go was so unappealing. Feeling like I had any power or autonomy was still new to me, I had known it less than half my life. So for me, really letting go and detaching is something at a core level I connect with being helpless, not powerless and supported by a power of my understanding–and that surpasses my understanding. I can’t disconnect my Higher Power from other people I made my higher power.

Plus, I still get confused. If I act out with controlling behaviors, sometimes I do see this influence another’s behavior. It’s not healthy, and spiritually drains me–but seeing that concrete result it’s difficult to understand how to let HP in the equation. Two weeks ago I saw my mentally ill father was neglecting his dog. I insisted he get her poor grooming corrected because of her discomfort. In the interim, I was too busy at work (draining, but a gift from HP) and I wanted to call the dog’s vet and tell them to set something up and superficially prayed. I found out today he did take her–he’s still barely functional, but could do it. The behavior from the “defect” place–nagging and worrying–in all areas will hopefully diminish as prayer and detachment increase, but it is a slow shift.

Thanks to everyone for sharing, and for the newcomers for their inspiring courage.

Thank you

Not just a coincidence that I had written the word LIES instead of lives. I have slipped back into an old pattern of behavior with my husband, that I used to do with my ex. When a question is asked in anger I revert back to an automatic lie to “protect” myself. I don’t need to protect myself from this man. I need to learn to deal with old fears and old patterns of behavior and put them to rest.

Thank you

I used to try to “fix” every thing, every person – but with the power of my HP and the power of the program, I realized that not every thing needs “fixing” and even if it does – I might not be the best “fixer” for the job. Oh yes, I was powerless when I came here, and I will be powerless my whole life. But I have a choice about letting that powerlessness make my life unmanageable.

As I began to recover slowly, I began to understand the depths to which I had sunk in my despair and pain. Much later I would come to understand that one of the reasons those women scared me so badly was because I had given away
the essence of myself trying to pacify everyone in my life whether they were alcoholic or not. I did not have the faintest idea who I was or what I wanted much less how to smile or enjoy myself.

In the time since that first meeting, I have had many Step One experiences as a result of living life like a loose flowing robe instead of a girdle. Two of those experiences which come to mind are coming to terms with my learning disabilities so I wouldn’t be afraid to share in meetings and the four year workman’s comp battle which ultimately ended in my being declared disabled. As a result of this program, I was able to handle those challenges without them destroying me.

Each day I work Steps One, Two, Three, Ten, Eleven, and Twelve; however Step One remains the most crucial, since I have no hope of a manageable life if I do not admit that my own actions can make life unmanageable.

Step 1 will always be the indicator of unmanageability but also the bridge to a growth passage as I move my way through the rest of the steps. Without recognizing my unmanageability today (where denial once predominated) how can I move forward? So today when I feel unmanageability seeping into my mind and heart I think of it as a gift. I KNOW now that as I move onward I will surrender and learn more about ME. Having had many, many unmanageable times as a result of my life being impacted by alcoholic loved ones, I trust today that God has a gift in it for me and God will iron out the kinks in my life and continue to grace me with a quality of life that resonates of Peace, Faith, and Joy and HOPE for others.

That was the beginning of a long journey with the alanon program as my guide, & I am eternally grateful that I was led to Alanon, & learned to make it a part of my life. My life became much more serene as a result.

Before I first came to Al-Anon I was desperate. I felt isolated, alone, helpless, fearful and desolate. I started looking for help for me. I thought I was the problem. One day I was watching an ad on TV about alcoholism and had a moment of awareness. I thought maybe that is part of our problem. Today I know that awareness was a gift from the God of my understanding. I began to surrender and I was led to an Al-Anon meeting about an hour from my home.

I felt I had tried everything possible and failed. I was under the illusion that if I just did the right thing, he would change. The last straw was when he pulled out his winter jacket for the first of the cold weather and a button was missing. He said” If you were a good wife, you would take care of these things.” Then he got angry and said he was going out. As I felt the weight of his guilt and shame dumped on me, I had another moment of clarity then that his outburst was another excuse to drink and to diminish me. Al-Anon taught me the 3 Cs: I didn’t Cause it, I can’t Control it, and I can’t Cure it.

I was more than willing to surrender this burden of misplaced responsibility, BUT I was afraid. My sponsor told me I could find a simple prayer to help me. I began to pray, “God, teach me to trust you.”

Slowly, I began to trust my sponsor and the program, then God. When I surrendered the belief that I could change a disease, then my old beliefs began falling like dominoes in a row. I began to replace my illusions with the truth about alcoholism. My mind was opened and I began a new way of life – the Al-Anon way. I had begun to find the gifts of our program.

Al-Anon taught me that I needed to change my attitudes and my behavior. Because of this experience and others, I began to search out the meaning of attitude. I asked for guidance from my Higher Power, the courage to follow through and wisdom to make those changes. I came to believe that an attitude is a belief or beliefs infused with emotion. As I uncovered long buried beliefs and emotions, my attitude began to change. Then my behavior changed. I had learned I had a choice about what I believe and what I do. I am still following this process years later as I strive for an ever deeper understanding of this spiritual way of life, because it works. I have learned to “Trust the Process.”

When the disease of alcoholism brought me to my knees, I crawled into the rooms of Al-Anon as a beaten-down soul. The person who always had all the answers finally learned to ask for help. To listen. To ask questions.

I studied the first step. I went to a step study group where we discussed one step for three weeks of each month. I talked to my sponsor and others about what I was studying, learing and doing. I came to believe that alcoholism is a disease. A family disease. And that I was as powerless over alcoholism as I was over cancer or diabetes.

I also learned something about myself and step one. I learned that if I was struggling with the first step, then it was almost certain I wasn’t minding my own business. Learning to mind my own business and take care of myself is the only way I can work step one effectively…. I have to be aware of my motives when I start getting caught up in that vortex of trying to control something or someone outside of myself. Thank God I am getting better.

A friend referred me to an Al-Anon adult children’s group. I was not living in active alcoholism; I had grown up in it. When I first heard Step One, I was told to replace the words “powerless over alcohol” with the words “powerless over people places and things”. That made more sense to me, but I was still not convinced I was powerless. I believed if I just did the right thing, I could favorably influence the people and circumstances in my life.

As time passed, I began seeing the more I did the worse things got. I found myself doing the same things again and again expecting different results. I was told this was insanity. I soon realized my fundamental problem was not just what I was doing, but my distorted thinking. It was my distorted thinking that led to my actions, and my actions were contributing to my problems not resolving them.

When I tried to change my thinking, I was quickly convinced that I was powerless. Even when I was convinced my thinking was incorrect, I found it difficult to change my thinking. The thoughts had been ingrained into my very being. I was told to keep coming back.

I did keep coming back, and over time as members in my group shared their experience, strength and hope, my thinking changed. As my thinking improved, my reactions and behaviors improved.

Adversity and problems still occur in my life, but most of the time I no longer contribute to them thanks to Al-Anon.

Step one helped me realize that although my intentions were good, I was fighting the wrong battles. It is futile to try to stop the progression of this disease in others, and when I try to do so, I sacrifice my own health and well being. I realized that being powerless over alcohol is admitting that the disease of alcoholism effects me as well as my family members. Because dealing with alcoholism means dealing with things like depression, low self esteem and feelings of hopelessness, this disease is as progressive and potentially fatal for me as it is for my family members. I realized that I need help learning to live my own life. Something had to change.

As the ideas of step one sank in for me, I started to feel the weight of my shoulders lift. I frowned less. The wrinkles on my forehead became less pronounced. I knew that there is a treatment for this disease, and as long as I was honest, and kept working the program, I would find relief.

I am grateful beyond words for the program and for all of my fellow Al-Anon members.

In (very grateful) recovery
Beverly W.

I went to my first meeting when I had no place else to turn. We don’t have to be desparate before the program will help us, we just have to be willing. See you at a meeting soon.

After all these years in Al-Anon, one would think that my life is manageable. Time and time again, however, I find my mind abuzz with many thoughts. What am I to do next? Who do I need to fix now? Why does my life turn back to its unmanageable state? Sometimes it is because I don’t know what to do/not do regarding newly discovered alcoholism in a friend or family member. Sometimes it is because I become obsessed with helping a whole host of people—even though those people never asked for my help. Sometimes even service in Al-Anon gets so intense that I lose all sense of priority and importance.

At least now I am aware when I return to my unmanageable state. Being aware is the gift that Al-Anon has given me. Once aware, I pause. I stop what I am doing. Sometimes I just get out of the house for awhile. I take a walk or work in the garden. I give it a rest, so to speak. Sometimes I call an Al-Anon friend and vent my frustrations. Most recently, on discovering that a close relative’s drinking problem was much more severe that I had thought, I just stopped thinking about the problem for several days. I sort of took a vacation from the problem. I discovered that what took years to break wasn’t going to be fixed in a day, week, or perhaps year. I was able to pray about the situation. I was able to talk to a family member about the situation.

At least now I am okay with myself. I know that I can accept the things that I cannot change.

I practise Step One and boundaries when I don’t attempt to precipitate a crisis or avert a crisis that would happen in the normal course of events. (re: advise and offering opinions, esp to an alcoholic … 1. Is someone’s life in imminent danger? 2. Did they ask?)

It’s difficult for those in my family to understand that I AM working an Al-Anon program, when what they see is grounded in my understanding of the First Step. I am Powerless over Alcohol.

My life is so different today! It is strange to go back in time and realize how much has changed. I live in my own little house with my son. My daughters are very successful in another city. I have no one telling me what I should be doing. I read Al-Anon literature every day, attend meetings more than once a week, share online. Sometimes I find myself offering advice and counsel that has not been asked for. But I try to learn to reach out, speak, phone, share, and be a friend to others. I don’t push. Now that I’m unemployed, I try to enjoy life, reading, writing a little, watching videos, investigating online, learning a little about the world. I try to get exercise, get sunshine–such a glorious spring!–take care of my flowers a little, cook new things. Life is very slow for me, but it is also very pleasant. I am content and happy most of the time.

As a newcomer I had a lot to learn about alcoholism and recovery. Experienced members suggested I “learn to listen and then listen to learn.” In a kind way, they said, “Your way isn’t working” and explained that Al-Anon offered a proven program of recovery from the family disease of alcoholism.

One of the first things I had to do to practice Step One was understand alcoholism. I did this by reading our literature, going to open AA speaker meetings and talking to members of my home group. I did not believe that alcoholism is a disease. I thought my family members were drinking out of ornery selfishness and that they could – and should- just stop it.

I clung to this idea until I saw that newcomers who had accepted alcoholism is a disease were making more progress in Al-Anon than I was. They were less angry, more hopeful and more serene. So I decided that I would accept the idea in spite of my disbelief. I visualized the idea as putting on a jacket that belonged to another member and that I could take it off at any time. Basically, I borrowed the belief of those who believed.

This worked for me. I was able to stop blaming my alcoholic family for my problems and begin to have a tiny bit of compassion for them. Since then, I have read a lot about alcoholism, and have come to believe that it is a disease.

As a beginner, I also had to accept that I did not have answers and that I needed help to solve life’s problems. This was possible to accept because of my home group. It was a loving group and for the first time, I felt safe admitting my vulnerability.

My sponsor taught me to make lists. List ten things I have tried (and failed) to change. List the consequences of those attempts. List ten ways my life feels unmanageable. Seeing the reality of my situation by writing it down was effective for me. I had to admit how out of control I felt.

Now that I am not a newcomer, I still work the First Step. I incorporate it into Step Ten, which I do in the evening, and Step Eleven, which I like to do in the morning. I constantly find myself thinking I can change something that I cannot. When I accept my lack of power I feel relief.

When I study Step One in our literature I see the words acknowledge, admit, accept. Sometimes I have to meditate on what these words mean in order to let go of things I cannot change.

Both my first home group and our literature introduced me to the idea of focusing on myself instead of focusing on what I cannot change. If I find myself obsessively thinking about someone else’s problems, I replace those thoughts with the words “focus on myself” and then find something to do that is centered in my life and my world. For me, “Focus on Myself” is a Step One slogan.

Thank you for posting and reading!
E.

“Dear Higher Power, I am open to the brilliant ways you are gracing my life. I trust as I write this and say just what I need to hear we are comforted. I am gentle with my Self and willing to listen and place my Self in the right place at the right time because I am in alignment with you. I am also very thankful that I am taking these moments to speak in prayer and recognize that my path is made clear as I comfort my Self in the faithfilled awareness of your Presence with me.”

I am grateful for this opportunity to write some words, from my heart, as I listen and learn a little bit more. It is in the stillness that I learn how to fly! It is in prayer that I speak from my heart and listen too.

The Program gives me such a beautiful opportunity to be practically sppiritual and supported and to integrate a deep part of my soul into dedicating my life to Love and Serve. Isn’t it wonderful this is a “we” program, we are not alone!

Now, passing mid-life, and after the death of my alcoholic father this spring, I no longer wish to be held prisoner by the fear and distrust I have learned to carry around and hide.

My childhood responses have no place in my life today. I am ever thankful that organizations like this exist. I am a moderately successful professional who wonders what life would have been like had I addressed MY issues early in life. And I also wonder what great things are are still to come!

Thanks for listening! j

I was at an emotional bottom and I was giving up on everything in my life and and ready to get out it was only a matter of HOW !

al-anon saved my life ! I was powerless over alcohol and its effects , I was powerless over the alcoholics and their tornadoes , and most all and my deepest denial ! i was powerless over the disease of alcoholism ….

TODAY I have the POWER in my life because of the 12 steps and the fellowship ! I am no longer powerless and my life is no longer UNMANAGEABLE (MY INSIDES ARE AT PEACE) ! THANKS to the love and friendship I am blessed to have in life EVERYDAY ! AND EVERYDAY MEANS EVERYDAY !

MY HOPE IS FOR ANYONE AND EVERYONE STRUGGLING WITH THIS DISEASE TO FIND THE POWER OF THIS PROGRAM AND HOLD ONTO TO IT !!! IT WORKS ! IT REALLY DOES….

I feel broken and lost.

She continues to drink, but although I cannot stop her drinking I can choose my reaction.

Sincerley
BCL

I am not alone. So many others struggling the same way….no unique individuals in this. All our stories sound so familiar.

It has to stop some where…..has to stop with me. Break the chain. Stop the cycle. Make the stand….the buck stops here.

Admit the truth….can’t handle this. Too much. Stress is intense. Body can’t handle it.

God can handle all things. I’m not meant to take all this on.

Let go. It’s not up to me. I am not responsible for the alcoholic…he is for himself.

Love the unlovely with God’s help and see where that takes me. Wait. Hold on. Trust.

I AM POWERLESS I CAN ONLY CHANGE MYSELF AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING!

Tks for letting me share.

One question came up about “the disease” concept of alcoholism, and the difficulty some folks were having in understanding and accepting it.  It offered me the opportunity to reflect on Step One - ”We admitted …”  I never really looked at the choice of the word “admitted”.  It could have been “We believed, or realized, or understood” but I think the choice of “admitted” has a special relevancy.  In using “admitted”, it calls for a testament.  Like the admission of guilt, or defeat, or failure — these thing have no meaning in the context of secrecy.  So too, admitting we are powerless over alcohol, calls for a public testament.

I resisted admitting I was powerless for 46 years.  But the time came, with my Dad at his second detox, that I welcomed the opportunity. It represented freedom. I had 46 years of slavery to alcoholism, and now my willingness to admit that I was powerless set me free.

 One person shared that they understood alcoholism as a mental illness. Another understood it as ”dis-ease”.  And allergy was another way to understand the disease concept. I came to feel it wasn’t important to understand the issue of disease and alcoholism. All I had to do is accept and live in Step One.  And if it’s difficult at first, I could fake ’til I make it.  But as I enjoyed the freedom of powerlessness, it didn’t take long to believe it with my heart and soul.