Jul 01 2010
Step Seven
“Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Seven.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
11 comments
I am so grateful for this Step 7 podcast. I appreciate the honesty of your speakers. I met with my sponsor last night to work on Step 10 (finally got there!) and had a long talk about my self-righteousness. I am so judgmental! Obviously that is one of my character defects. We talked a long time about how to do my daily inventory, but it occurred to me while listening to this podcast that I can do Step 7 every night while doing my daily Step 10. Duh! I can go over my day and the shortcomings I exhibited or felt and humbly ask God to remove them. I can do Step 7 daily.
Thank you for this opportunity to share.
Raleigh, NC
Humbly and humility were words I wasn’t familiar with when I got to Al-Anon. I associated them with humiliation and I had been humiliated enough, thank you very much. My sponsor was a stickler for details and made me look them up in the dictionary. I finally understood that my demanding attitude wasn’t getting me anywhere, but I didn’t have to scrape and grovel either. All I had to do was take my character defects and shortcomings and ask for my Higher Power’s help in finding a way to get rid of them. When I got to Al-Anon, asking for help from anybody wasn’t easy, but eventually I learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but being demanding is! When I’m demanding, I’m still trying to be in control and be a know it all. When I ask for help, whether it’s from my Higher Power or another Al-Anon, I am being humble. I am saying that not only do I not have all the answers, I don’t even have all the questions yet!
Just learning that I cannot remove my own short comings was a humbling experience in itself. I am so grateful that I CAN turn to my Higher Power and to the insights from other members to remove my short comings. I really appreciate how one speaker said character defects “get in the way of her relationship with God and other people.” That particular statement means a lot to me. I strive to keep a close relationship with my Higher Power, every single day, but especially when that old familiar anxiety creeps in and I want to control what is going on around me. I ask God to help me accept my powerlessness, and to remove my need to “fix” situations in order to feel valued and loved.
By the first word humbly make the different if I am wondering why God is not helping me it could be that I did not ask and I think I can handle it myself. I have to accept that I am powerless and need my higher power to help me Freedom from these shortcomings I can learn a new way of thinking and doing.
STEP 7 was confusing to me , I guess the lights upstairs had not gone on yet LOL ! Humble I thought I was , anyone living with an alcoholic must be a saint ! and my perception was I would have brownie points when I died LOL ! Well I guess this is what was meant by DENIAL RUNS DEEP !!!
LEARNING TO ASK MY HIGHER POWER FOR HELP WAS A START ! My shortcomings being where I fail to take action ….. If I fail to even ask my HP in EVERYDAY IN EVERYTHING ! I am in CONTROL not my HP …. people places & things are not the problem if I am DISTURBED and if I am upset I am trying to manage direct control fix etc.. these are my shortcomings . ME in charge is not good LOL !!!!
SOO…. as soon as I get that knot in my stomach I ASK MY Higher Power to’ show me what HE have me be ‘ or ‘ give me the courage ‘ or ‘ give me the words ‘ or just plain ‘ what do I do ? ‘ and watch for signs pointing the way .
I dont always like the answers I get! I dont always understand them ! I just need to follow the signs , not easy LOL ! Someone gave me permission not to like what was being shown to me , thank GOD for her … she said I just had to DO it ! Well because of that I was able to test her suggestion…. it WORKED … imagine that.
Someone else later simplified step 6 & step 7 and that is …. step 6 is ” we stop doing the things we like to do ..” and step 7 ” we start doing the things we Dont like to do ! “
Humbly… means I recognize a power greater than myself.
Humbly asked… that means I must be willing to accept an answer that may very likely be different than my own will.
Humbly asked Him… means I am not the one in charge.
Humbly asked Him to remove… I cannot remove my shortcomings.
Humbly asked Him to remove our… I am not alone in this human condition of imperfection. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings… What I take as horrible deformities of character are in reality only shortcomings meaning I fell short of the mark. Now with the prinicples I have learned in Al-Anon, I know where the mark is. If I keep an open mind, and keep coming back to both the literature and to meetings, I will be able to hit the mark more often and I will fall short less and less.
I am so very grateful for this website and podcast and comments and Step 7 today. It is a very hard day with my teen and being able to turn to program and not be alone, and be reminded to “Let Go and Let God” and “Keep it Simple” and First Things First” have helped me and continue to help me just get thru this day one moment at a time. it’s okay not to even know the questions let alone what character defect this pain today relates to in me, but i know the depth of my pain is related to my family of origins’ alcoholism. i feel so betrayed and embarrassed and i am glad my daughter has a HP and it is not all up to me. and “This Too Shall Pass” has been true and i know it will be true again. It’s okay not to know, I’m not in control, I didn’t cause this, can’t control it, and can’t cure it. I am taking care of myself today, doing what I need for me, and reaching out for help. This is very new behavior, and much better for me and my daughter than the old way of reacting. i haven’t been great but I’ve done a much better job today.
Step Seven was a turning point for me. Did I dare ask Him to remove my shortcomings? I certainly knew I had been unable to make my shortcomings go away, no matter how hard I worked at it, but I was uncertain how this power would work and what I would look like without my familiar, negative traits. After all, they were mine. What would a “stranger” do with my shortcomings? Would I be just a shell? Who would I be when the removal was over? Would I have no character left? Maybe having a character with negative traits was better than having none at all. These were my confused thoughts prior to Step Seven.
Then I realized how little trust and faith I had in this Higher Power. If I, a human, was gentle with friends I cared about, wouldn’t the Higher Power be gentle with me? I realized I needed to trust that the Higher Power would not beat me up in this process. My shortcomings would be removed in ways I did not understand, maybe not even see, and the removal would not happen all at once. A daily reading suggested that I stop worrying about my negative traits and focus on cultivating postive ones. I had my work. The Higher Power had “His.” Being humble meant being brave enough to give the Higher Power a chance and ask for this gift. I have to say that I never felt a knife cut me, I never felt a pain, and I never had to recover from any spiritual operation! Many of my shortcoming were removed because I asked–what painless surgery of the soul.
Thank you for the sharing thus far. I am on holiday without a local meeting and the sharing is a help. Step Seven I find fascinating in that I humbly ask and then I move on to the next step! I still imagine I would need to wait whilst the removing is taking place. And for me inherent in the nature of continuing on to the next Step is how I can treat myself in regards to my shortcomings. What I mean is that I do not linger or stare at my shortcomings as I have found this does not boil the kettle faster, solve problems or remove my defects! It is a bit like what I have learnt in our meetings about looking back without staring.
Step Seven incorporates well into the Al-Anon Family Group practice of Awareness, Acceptance and Action. Awareness has grown about who I am as I have been working the previous Steps. Humility is mine when I accept this is who I am good and bad and although I may try to it is not mine to remove my shortcomings. The words of the Step clearly indicate my part and my Higher Powers part – mine is to be humble and to ask for help, my HPs part is to remove my shortcomings, humility is mine again as I recognize my job in the relationship. Action is in the asking for help and in the Steps to follow.
As I incorporate the discipline of this step into my Step Ten practice I think that same awareness, acceptance, and action can be applied to my mistakes of each day. Therefore as I make a spot check or a days end inventory when I recognize my shortcoming such as feeling fearful when my husband is fearful I have awareness, I practice Step Seven when I accept myself as I humbly ask my HP to remove my shortcoming and then for the rest of what to do see the next two steps.
When I first came to Al-Anon, I had no idea how much I had been affected by the family disease of alcoholism. I was aware of the shortcomings of the alcoholics in my life, but it took me a few years in the program before I started to look at my own defects of character.
After being in Al-Anon for a few years I was part of a Step Study Group. The first time, I kinda flew thru step six and seven rather quickly. The second time I studied the steps in depth, I was more aware of my own defects.
While I wrote my step four and then shared my step five with another woman I realized how my defects were what was causing hurt in my relationships. I shed many tears and filled the waste basket with tissues. I knew it was me and my shortcomings that needed to change.
Our step group had just finished step six as I was leaving to go on a winter vacation in Cuba. I took some reading material along and thought it would be a good chance to work on step seven.
I read some literature about step seven , then went for a swim in the ocean. As I floated on my back, the sun shone brightly on me. The warm sun represented my Higher Power. I asked for courage to honestly identify my defects that were causing harm in my relationships.
As the sun was beginning to set, I began to walk along the beach. The waves lapped over my feet as I walked. I had a plastic fork with me and as I walked I started to write words into the sand. I wrote fear, worry, anger, control, resentment, obsession, and many other things. It seemed strange to write these words where other people could read them , but my Higher Power was with me and gave me courage to continue.
After a while, I turned around and began walking back towards my resort. As I walked some of the words were washed away by the waves, and other words were just partially washed away. I prayed for my Higher Power to help me let go of those things that were holding me back from having healthy relationships. It felt good to write my defects in the sand and I knew I was ready for my God to help me remove them. I came home from my vacation feeling much lighter!
While working my steps with my sponsor, I was listening to a tape she had given me. The lady on the tape was talking about all of our character defects being rooted in fear. Either fear that I would lose something I already had, or fear I wouldn’t get something I wanted. Fear is very selfish. But the root part made me visualize a tree. This was an old dead, scraggly tree, where the roots were fear, then moving up the trunk was distrust, or trust in the wrong things or distorted trust, and the main branches were control and judgementalism.
Then the branches had a lot of smaller branches and twigs. Shooting off from control was rescuer, caretaker, people-pleasing, quick fixes, taking on another’s responsibilities, bossy, stubborn, perfectionism and others.
Shooting off from the judgementalism was envy, rigid thinking, gossip, intolerance, criticizing others, insecurities, jealousy, and more. So when it came time to write down my assets, I visualized a tree that was opposite the Character Defect Tree, I made an asset tree.
Instead of being rooted in fear, I put faith. Being present, trust, pausing, think, conscious contact with my HP, forgiveness, and clear thinking.
Then the trunk of the asset tree was putting my HP first – trust in HP, being considerate, thoughtful of others, patience, we’re all doing the best we can.
Instead of Control I prayed for being able to Let Go – self-control, to be HP pleasing, doing my part, and leave the rest to God, caring, but HP saves-not me. Helpful and giving, but not rescuing. Praying for clear boundaries, respect for all, calmness, promptness and being industrious and cooperating with others.
And instead of judgementalism I prayed for tolerance, acceptance, generosity, open-mindedness, becoming a better listener, humility, and an even deeper trust with my HP.
So when I pray the step 3 and 7 prayers, I also pray for me to be that beautiful blooming asset tree that I am becoming, every day. I find visualizing that tree helps me be more aware of who I am becoming, instead of who I used to be.