Jun 01 2010
Step Six
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Six.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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When I was 35 years old, just before I came to Al-Anon, I thought my life was pretty close to perfect and if everyone would follow my lead, everything would be fine. I was not polluting by bicycling nearly everywhere I went. My food consumption was exemplary; fruits and veggies, all local organic produce. I had recently gotten a good job and had control of my finances. So why did I join Al-Anon? I had made the choice to marry a recovering alcoholic 23 years older than me and she was not willing to change in the way I wanted her to. My defect of character (or survival tool I’d learned growing up in an alcoholic family) of wanting to save the world was kicking into high gear and I was getting extremely frustrated that this one woman (my wife) refused to take my advice.
I walked into my first meeting and found a room full of damaged goods in need of my assistance. I married my wife to fix her and she refused, so now I found a large population of other people whose lives could be improved if they followed my lead. They said keep coming back and they seemed welcoming to me. When I gave advice to individuals after the meeting they would say “You might be right”, a response I later learned to use when I encounter people (like I was) who think they know what is best for me. I kept coming back to several meetings a week and things started to change.
I have no idea how long it took but eventually I lost the need to have people follow my lead. I also don’t know how it happened but I became entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character (Step 6). Well, it happened partly from realizing that I was not quite as perfect as I had thought and partly from learning how to mind my own business, which is not saving the world. I’ve continued for many years to use the tools of the program; meetings, sponsorship, literature, service. I learn more about my story (Step 4) and slowly I become aware of the exact nature of my wrongs (Step 5). The becoming entirely ready (Step 6) is the part that does not happen on my schedule but mysteriously happens when I keep using our tools of recovery.
After completing Step Five, I thought that Step Six was going to be easy breezy. Wrong. Was I ever “entirely ready” for anything in my life – no less having God remove my character defects? I was self-willed, head-strong, Mr. Know-it-all, self-centered, and the list goes on. I grew up in an alcoholic family and these are all part of the personality traits I developed in that family. They worked to bolster my self-image and cover the fears and confusion I felt with all the insanity, violence, and anger I had lived with then. So being entirely ready to do anything other than having life my way was just not part of me.
When I got out on my own, married and had kids, these traits were clearly making my life unhappy and froth with problems. My being a nice guy was not cutting it with those close to me and whom I loved. Change was necessary, and Al-Anon was the program that made that possible. At first I studied psychology, and went for therapy, but real change alluded me – that is until I joined Al-Anon.
After many years in Al-Anon, I know that I am still not entirely ready. However, the Steps used on a regular basis definitely increases my self-understanding and my readiness. This program is about love and gentleness. So I accept my short comings and limited progress in recovery. I keep moving forward. I turn my will and life over to the care of the God of my understanding – as best I can today, and I seek to know God’s will for me and the power to carry that out. The more I commit my life to this process and the Steps, the more I become “entirely ready”. Thank you God, thank you.
I am so grateful that these podcasts are on the internet 24 hours a day, because I needed a meeting right this very minute. This topic of Step 6 is exactly the right topic for me as I struggle with a defect that my Higher Power has been gently removing for the last 8 years that I have been in Al-Anon. This defect is that I still tolerate unacceptable behavior from one of the active drinkers in my life. In the last 10 days I have found strength through my program, and the Serenity Prayer to stand up to the angry rages and the nightly drunks. Today I am struggling with the strength to have a discussion about what my boundaries are and the consequences of those boundaries. It could mean big changes in my life. Since I attend many meetings, I have seen members make big changes and they may have had a hard time at first, but they always seemed to find a wonderful healthy life. That is an example of hope for me.
I will use my first 5 steps to find a place of willingness and use Step 6 in prayer to let my Higher Power guide me in my actions and decisions. This is such a powerful program to find serenity and I have developed a great trust in my Higher Power and Al-Anon. It has helped me through difficult situations before and I trust it will again.
I have come to think of Step 6 as a contract. I am making a commitment to enter into the process of having my defects removed. Of course, my defects aren’t removed all at once, and, of course, they crop up in different ways as time goes by. In my experience, once I become aware of a defect and how it blocks me from God, I am given many opportunities to practice the opposite behavior.
One of my most stubborn character defects was my belief that I was fundamentally unloveable. Even after many 24 hours in this wonderful program, I still found it impossible to believe that I deserved to be loved in the same way I saw so many of my recovering friends learning to receive love.
This character defect and my stubborn refusal to let it go made me very miserable for a long time. My life was blessed in many ways, but I refused to believe that I was as lovable as any of God’s children. I became so miserable that I made myself very, very sick. I chose to take a medical leave of absence from work to focus on myself and my recovery. I made some very good decisions about how to take care of myself and my health. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had become entirely ready to have God remove this defect.
What had this defect done for me? It kept me isolated so that no one could get close enough to hurt me. But, ironically, it hurt me more than the people I was pushing away! Not until I realized how much I was hurting myself did I become ready and willing for God to remove the defect. Then I was able to take action to put myself in a position to be changed.
Thank you for letting me share. Hugs to all, and Keep Coming Back!
What a great find! I used the podcast to get ready for own Step Six meeting yesterday. Also, it is great to have this tool to pass on to other AlaNon members. Today I sent it to my Sponsor. Thanks! Keep coming back!
Being “entirely ready” for God to work in my life sounded very scary. I hesitated a long time on this step. However, what I liked about Step Six is that God would remove my character defects, and I would not have to do it. I had worked hard to change, but always reverted back to my old behaviors and defects. If the Higher Power took away my defects, maybe HP would do a better job than I had done! Being willing to let God intervene in my life was the challenge.
Also, I had a lot of fear about the Higher Power removing too much of me. If he took away all that was wrong with me I might only be a skeleton. What would I do then? My sponsor reminded me that I was looking too far ahead. I just needed to concentrate on being ready to change. One step at a time….
step 6 I THOUGHT was my higher power removing my defects ! Then the action words in the steps were pointed out , ya know the verbs those things i am suppose to do taking the step lol ! The realization that i only need to take care of what is in my hula hoop and leave the rest to that higher power , wow ! FREEDOM ! i only need TO BE WILLING to have that HP remove the defects . Not that he will , and sometimes those SURVIVAL TOOLS come up again usually because i have forgotten I have NEW ones ! All I know is my defects are MY HP business and MY ACTIONS AND BEHAVIORS are in my HULA HOOP ! So once i understood this I found acceptance , peace , and forgiveness …
such a refreashing awareness to know that my HP knows when and how to do for me what I cannot do for myself, in giving me better ways to communicate and be free to be me, there is a real value in saying outloud, HP is pleased with me, HP approves of me, HP loves me, HP accepts me, and HP always makes a way where there was not one. so life is brighter, better and bigger..