Jun 01 2010
Step Six
“Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”
Welcome to the “Using Al-Anon’s Steps in Our Personal Lives” blog. Many people are aware of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and understand how they apply to the alcoholic’s goal of finding sobriety, but few are aware that Al-Anon Family Groups adapted these Steps in 1951 as a program of personal progress and family recovery.
This series of podcasts discusses how Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps have helped people successfully handle a variety of challenges associated with the family illness of alcoholism.
The topic of today’s podcast is Step Six.
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Step#6 “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character”
Taking the sixth step hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be. I didn’t want to just pass it over non-chalantly. I know that every step that was written and put into the twelve steps was of importance for my spiritual growth and change; I just had to figure out how it applied to me.
Then, one day I was walking my dogs and my higher power brought the answer to me. Step six is about getting ready to let go of our character defects, preparing to enter into a whole new dimension of living, a place that our higher power has always wanted us to be in, doing his will in our life. What stands in the way of this, is our defects, which we use to control the people, and situations in our life. Our defects are our reaction to our fears in our everyday lives.
For example, I struggle with jealousy. If I let go of this defect, trust in my higher power, by letting go of my fears of the past where I was hurt, then my relationships will grow and be strengthened because I have extended trust to the people I love in my life. I will be living in God’s will for my life; I will find myself in a whole new place.
I compared this step to my daughter’s recent skydiving trip. In preparing for her jump, she could choose to either jump all by herself or to be hooked to an instructor for her jump. If she wanted to jump on her own, she would be in complete charge of her jump, having to make the critical timing choices when to pull the parachute open, and how to land properly without accident. But, if she jumped with an instructor who knew what he was doing, had jumped many times before, and would guarantee her safety, she could skydive that day, releasing her fears, knowing she was in good hands, and enjoy the ride. If I let my higher power become my flight instructor in my life, he would guide me through. I can prepare myself for this ride, by letting go of my defects and my fears, and giving them over to God. Then, I will find myself on one heck of a ride. Not my will Lord, but Yours be done.
I had to do step 6 by first taking a good look at steps 4 and 5. One of my defects of character is not believing that my defects of character are actually defects of character. It was too easy for me to dismiss, excuse and rationalize them as “personality traits”, “reactions”, “habits”, or, when I was really in my delusion, “assets”. The first thing I needed to do to work step 6 was to acknowledge that step 5 was telling me the truth about me; I had to give up my old ways of doing things because step 5 showed me clearly that they didn’t work, and that they hurt me. Once I did that, it was much easier to become as entirely ready as I could be to have my higher power remove them. The other big part of this step is realizing that only my higher power can do this.
I also found out that, sometimes, a character defect isn’t removed; my higher power just brings it back into perspective. Wanting to help someone is a good thing; insisting on helping someone when they didn’t ask for my help and don’t want my help is control, i.e., a character defect. My higher power restored this back to me just being helpful, and then, only when asked.
So my higher power worked in a way that didn’t look the way I thought it was going to look. Imagine that.
I found Step 6 to be a matter of trust. Did I trust a higher power to remove from me the survivor tools I used my entire life? What would happen if justifying everything I did or self pity were taken from me? How would I handle situations that I always handled by blaming others or isolating in depression? I didn’t know any other way and as crazy as it may sound these worked for me! My sponsor said to do what she did, “ask God to help you become ready”. Very simple.. I did just that. What happened? It seemed that anyone and everyone in my family were pointing out my character defects (and not in a loving way as in Al-Anon). I was placed in situations of people using me to justify something they did and worse of all I was surrounded by martyrs who wasted their time feeling sorry for themselves.
I was very much ready to give to my Higher Power any defects he wanted to remove from me. Well here I am many years later and sometimes those same defects pop up once in a while, but I don’t enjoy them anymore and know what to do-get down on my knees and say thank you God that I don’t have to live that way anymore.
The funny thing is my self pity was replaced with empathy for others and justifying was replaced with self honesty. A much better and healthier way to deal with life.
Step Six
Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I didn’t understand this Step until I had finished my Fourth and Fifth Steps.
Before writing inventory, I did not realize how much I had contributed to my problems. I thought I had been a victim of the bad behavior of other people, and that if they would behave, everything would be fine. I had thought that my problems were not my fault.
My Fourth Step inventory had revealed to me how much harm I had caused to myself and others. Even when other people had wronged me, I had added to my woes by my action or inaction. Not only that, I had caused harm in many more ways that I had dreamt possible. I had been so self-absorbed that I had not realized how my behavior affected others.
After sharing my inventory with my sponsor (Step Five), I spent time in reflection. For the first time, I understood Step Six. I discovered that I become entirely ready to have a defect removed when I fully realize the consequences of my behavior. When I really grasp the import of what I have done, it is easy and natural to move on to Step Seven and ask for my defects to be removed.
What allows me to keep being aware of the consequences on my choices is working Steps Ten and Eleven. When I do that, I can continue to be ready to let go of my defects.
Entirely ready or even ready at all?…I found i wanted to hang on to old character defects because they were so familiar. it has been a long journey in which i’ve learned and am still learning that the defects helped me survive, but they are no longer necessary to use. i now have tools that Al-Anon has shown me how to use. They work much better than the defects.
i’ve struggled with perfectionism all my life and that issue still rears its ugly head. i want to relax in acceptance that i, too, am just another struggling human being. i have learned that i cannot rid myself of a defect; i need my HP to intervene and to do the removing of what is no longer valid or healthy. it is humbling. it is good to realize that i can change, but not on my own or according to my own efforts. it is HP who will rid me of the unnecesary characteristics i no longer need. it is good to lay down weapons which i used to carry and to move forth lighter, less abrasive, less frightened, more human, more vulnerable. This is the power in this step, for me.
When I came to Al-Anon I thought I was ready to have my character defects removed, but despite the unmanageability and chaos in my life I wasn’t. What I was living in was familiar. Removing character defects meant change, and that meant moving into unfamiliar territory. That was too frightening.
Admitting I had character defects was another issue. I believed I was the victim, the person who had been harmed. I believed it was the alcoholic that needed to change, not me. How could I admit having character defects or wrongs when I had this attitude?
Fortunately Step 6 does not say I have to admit my character defects. It says I need to be entirely ready for God to remove them. And that’s what I experienced, after working steps 1 through 5. I saw God doing for me what I could not do for myself. I had to surrender—let go and let God. When I got out of the way God moved in.
The first three steps helped me work Step 6. Step 1—I can’t, Step 2—He can, and Sep 3—I’ll let Him. By admitting I was powerless, believing God could restore me to sanity, and letting Him control my life rather than me controlling it, I laid the foundation for Step 6—I became ready for God to remove my defects of character.
Although I first worked Step 5 several years ago, this year my Higher Power is removing (distancing) my character defect of talking too much, really. In the past two years, I’ve had two Al-Anon friends comment that I talk too much. Initially, I resented these observations. However, my sponsor has taught me that if I’m upset by what someone says to me, there might be some truth in it, (otherwise, why would the comment bother me?)
I’ve also been applying, “You Spot It, You Got It.” I have a few family members who sometimes dominate conversations and/or frequently interrupt others in order to share their related story. I am working to notice when I do this to others.
My Higher Power has also put several people in my life who are great listeners – they serve as excellent models for the kind of woman/friend/listener I’d like to be.
I doubt that I’ll ever be as quiet as a churchmouse, but today I can let go of my shame about my character defects and focus on progress not perfection.
Step 6 is one of the most practical tools Al-Anon has given me. On a daily basis this is the place where I get to organize my life according to principles (the program) not personalities (my own ideas).
The first five steps have led me to an honest assessment of my life so far, including a new relationship with the driving force (HP) that will propel me forward. Now, Step 6 teaches me how to go forward with my Higher Power in charge of how to react, how to behave, how to manage the details of my life.
I first become aware of the need to work Step 6 when I find myself “tripping” over some thought or concern. If I am running conversations in my head with people who are not with me, or going over and over and over a possibility or fear then I am probably becoming aware of some aspect of my life (some character defect) that I can ask my Higher Power to remove.
A good example is one day when my children were small we were at the beach, and it was a glorious day. They were happily playing in the sand at the edge of the water. I was lying on a towel and was consumed with an aggressive conversation I would have with this woman at my husband’s work next time I saw her. My daughter came and asked me when we were going to eat lunch and I realized that nearly two hours had passed and I had been totally absent! They were hot, tired and sandy, I was nearly sunburned. Such obsessive worrying could be dangerous to myself and others! And I couldn’t seem to stop.
This was one day that I immediately thought of Step 6 and knew that I was entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character. After I squared away my children, I sat down for some quiet time with my Higher Power and humbly asked God to remove this defect.
It didn’t disappear like magic, but every time I am tempted to ruminate on some future conversation or event I remember that I have become entirely ready to have God remove this defect and have asked him to do so — so I change my mind immediately and think of something else!
So to me, Step 6 is a very practical way to get out of an obsessive and dangerous way of thinking!
HALT – Being hungry, angry, lonely and tired has always gotten me in trouble. For years I didn’t realize or recognize these conditions. My alcoholic husband was always present, how could I be lonely when I was with him all the time. Its funny that now that I live alone and don’t have anyone around I feel less lonely. Recognition of my needs not being met carried me further down this rabbit hole of self denial and disregard for my own emotions. Only once my qualifier became nonfunctional in his drinking and emotions was I willing to turn to myself and look for solutions.
I was always finding something to be insensed, outraged and self righteous about. Those were the only emotions I allowed myself to feel and they were reactive instead of proactive. My drunk once told me that he was upset with me because I was “always right”. He had quite the point, I focused so much energy on ‘curing’ and ‘helping’ and ‘knowing’ the outcomes that I denied any focus on my personal growth. What good becomes of knowing he was on a downward spiral and having exhausted seeking him assistance, I was almost willing to join him. I denied myself the ability to ask another human being for help let alone God.
Having to look at my character traits/defects and acknowledge my emotions through the prior steps are the only way I have been able to ask my Higher Power to remove my defects. The first five steps helped me understand what the problem was. Yes, my husband is an alcoholic, but that is his problem, mine is that I chose to only focus on his problem. Without understanding what MY problem was, I couldn’t ask my God for help. Since then I have been better at praying. I have been asking my God to remove my defects. Along with these prayers I find my life more enriched. I find I am able to recognize my emotions while they are happening instead of long after. I find I am also ready to receive the change. That’s all I can be and it is more proactive and positive than constantly fixing.
such a refreashing awareness to know that my HP knows when and how to do for me what I cannot do for myself, in giving me better ways to communicate and be free to be me, there is a real value in saying outloud, HP is pleased with me, HP approves of me, HP loves me, HP accepts me, and HP always makes a way where there was not one. so life is brighter, better and bigger..
step 6 I THOUGHT was my higher power removing my defects ! Then the action words in the steps were pointed out , ya know the verbs those things i am suppose to do taking the step lol ! The realization that i only need to take care of what is in my hula hoop and leave the rest to that higher power , wow ! FREEDOM ! i only need TO BE WILLING to have that HP remove the defects . Not that he will , and sometimes those SURVIVAL TOOLS come up again usually because i have forgotten I have NEW ones ! All I know is my defects are MY HP business and MY ACTIONS AND BEHAVIORS are in my HULA HOOP ! So once i understood this I found acceptance , peace , and forgiveness …
Being “entirely ready” for God to work in my life sounded very scary. I hesitated a long time on this step. However, what I liked about Step Six is that God would remove my character defects, and I would not have to do it. I had worked hard to change, but always reverted back to my old behaviors and defects. If the Higher Power took away my defects, maybe HP would do a better job than I had done! Being willing to let God intervene in my life was the challenge.
Also, I had a lot of fear about the Higher Power removing too much of me. If he took away all that was wrong with me I might only be a skeleton. What would I do then? My sponsor reminded me that I was looking too far ahead. I just needed to concentrate on being ready to change. One step at a time….
What a great find! I used the podcast to get ready for own Step Six meeting yesterday. Also, it is great to have this tool to pass on to other AlaNon members. Today I sent it to my Sponsor. Thanks! Keep coming back!
I have come to think of Step 6 as a contract. I am making a commitment to enter into the process of having my defects removed. Of course, my defects aren’t removed all at once, and, of course, they crop up in different ways as time goes by. In my experience, once I become aware of a defect and how it blocks me from God, I am given many opportunities to practice the opposite behavior.
One of my most stubborn character defects was my belief that I was fundamentally unloveable. Even after many 24 hours in this wonderful program, I still found it impossible to believe that I deserved to be loved in the same way I saw so many of my recovering friends learning to receive love.
This character defect and my stubborn refusal to let it go made me very miserable for a long time. My life was blessed in many ways, but I refused to believe that I was as lovable as any of God’s children. I became so miserable that I made myself very, very sick. I chose to take a medical leave of absence from work to focus on myself and my recovery. I made some very good decisions about how to take care of myself and my health. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had become entirely ready to have God remove this defect.
What had this defect done for me? It kept me isolated so that no one could get close enough to hurt me. But, ironically, it hurt me more than the people I was pushing away! Not until I realized how much I was hurting myself did I become ready and willing for God to remove the defect. Then I was able to take action to put myself in a position to be changed.
Thank you for letting me share. Hugs to all, and Keep Coming Back!
I am so grateful that these podcasts are on the internet 24 hours a day, because I needed a meeting right this very minute. This topic of Step 6 is exactly the right topic for me as I struggle with a defect that my Higher Power has been gently removing for the last 8 years that I have been in Al-Anon. This defect is that I still tolerate unacceptable behavior from one of the active drinkers in my life. In the last 10 days I have found strength through my program, and the Serenity Prayer to stand up to the angry rages and the nightly drunks. Today I am struggling with the strength to have a discussion about what my boundaries are and the consequences of those boundaries. It could mean big changes in my life. Since I attend many meetings, I have seen members make big changes and they may have had a hard time at first, but they always seemed to find a wonderful healthy life. That is an example of hope for me.
I will use my first 5 steps to find a place of willingness and use Step 6 in prayer to let my Higher Power guide me in my actions and decisions. This is such a powerful program to find serenity and I have developed a great trust in my Higher Power and Al-Anon. It has helped me through difficult situations before and I trust it will again.
After completing Step Five, I thought that Step Six was going to be easy breezy. Wrong. Was I ever “entirely ready” for anything in my life – no less having God remove my character defects? I was self-willed, head-strong, Mr. Know-it-all, self-centered, and the list goes on. I grew up in an alcoholic family and these are all part of the personality traits I developed in that family. They worked to bolster my self-image and cover the fears and confusion I felt with all the insanity, violence, and anger I had lived with then. So being entirely ready to do anything other than having life my way was just not part of me.
When I got out on my own, married and had kids, these traits were clearly making my life unhappy and froth with problems. My being a nice guy was not cutting it with those close to me and whom I loved. Change was necessary, and Al-Anon was the program that made that possible. At first I studied psychology, and went for therapy, but real change alluded me – that is until I joined Al-Anon.
After many years in Al-Anon, I know that I am still not entirely ready. However, the Steps used on a regular basis definitely increases my self-understanding and my readiness. This program is about love and gentleness. So I accept my short comings and limited progress in recovery. I keep moving forward. I turn my will and life over to the care of the God of my understanding – as best I can today, and I seek to know God’s will for me and the power to carry that out. The more I commit my life to this process and the Steps, the more I become “entirely ready”. Thank you God, thank you.
When I was 35 years old, just before I came to Al-Anon, I thought my life was pretty close to perfect and if everyone would follow my lead, everything would be fine. I was not polluting by bicycling nearly everywhere I went. My food consumption was exemplary; fruits and veggies, all local organic produce. I had recently gotten a good job and had control of my finances. So why did I join Al-Anon? I had made the choice to marry a recovering alcoholic 23 years older than me and she was not willing to change in the way I wanted her to. My defect of character (or survival tool I’d learned growing up in an alcoholic family) of wanting to save the world was kicking into high gear and I was getting extremely frustrated that this one woman (my wife) refused to take my advice.
I walked into my first meeting and found a room full of damaged goods in need of my assistance. I married my wife to fix her and she refused, so now I found a large population of other people whose lives could be improved if they followed my lead. They said keep coming back and they seemed welcoming to me. When I gave advice to individuals after the meeting they would say “You might be right”, a response I later learned to use when I encounter people (like I was) who think they know what is best for me. I kept coming back to several meetings a week and things started to change.
I have no idea how long it took but eventually I lost the need to have people follow my lead. I also don’t know how it happened but I became entirely ready to have God remove this defect of character (Step 6). Well, it happened partly from realizing that I was not quite as perfect as I had thought and partly from learning how to mind my own business, which is not saving the world. I’ve continued for many years to use the tools of the program; meetings, sponsorship, literature, service. I learn more about my story (Step 4) and slowly I become aware of the exact nature of my wrongs (Step 5). The becoming entirely ready (Step 6) is the part that does not happen on my schedule but mysteriously happens when I keep using our tools of recovery.