Dec 28 2012
Using Step One
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“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”
Welcome to Using Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps in Our Personal Lives. This is a series of podcasts to discuss how Al-Anon members use the basic principles of Al-Anon.
Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members how they used Step One to help them overcome the impacts of a loved one’s drinking.
How to locate an Al-Anon meeting
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36 comments
My situation is a bit different. I have been married to a recovering alcoholic for 16 years. We are in the process of divorce. Infidelities on both our parts. Emotional and physical. He moved out, got into AA heavy. I tried Al-Anon then and was not convinced I needed it.
Fast forward to us getting back together and living by the skin of our teeth for a few more years. Finally, we split, got back together, split a few more times and then I moved in with someone else. Now, he is happy with someone in his program and I have went back to Al-Anon a few weeks ago.
It’s hard for me to go through this First Step. I admit that alcohol and my husband’s actions made me powerless. and I admit that everything was not always his fault. Money issues, sexual issues, marriage issues were all harder to deal with while he was sober–I can just imagine if he was still drinking.
So I need to rely on my HP to keep me grounded. And to keep me taking the high road. And it’s been over 6 meetings and I can’t tell you how much better I feel within the walls of Al-Anon. Good people. You hear your own story there. And you learn to manage what you’ve been given. Keep coming back!
I recently had an epiphany and asked myself, “Why am I doing this? Why am I allowing his disease to kill me too?” I got in the car and left him at the beach. When he got home, I had everything in the car, and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t lose my children and myself because of alcohol.
I think that was the First Step for me. I cannot control him or his drinking (although I sure tried). We are now in recovery, he is in AA and this is my first foray into Al-Anon. There is a group once a week here, but I am yet to go. I have gone to a couple open meetings with my husband, and feel relieved he has them for support.
Now I need to work on me. I felt like I needed to control everything and maintain this image of a perfect family, but now I realize that is the disease, and that I am affected by the disease more than I thought. I am pleased to start the recovery process.
I was in Al-Anon for 3 years because of alcohol and drugs in my marriage and in my family. Now I find myself in a new marriage and living overseas. It is really a challenge because of the language barrier and also of the different way of life. My new husband does drugs and bad mood swings.
Of course, there is an issue with controlling. I had a fear that I was not going to be able to get him to see that the program was not about him. It was all about me. But it just seems like my God was there and everything just fell into place. I went to an Al-Anon meeting this past weekend and yes it was different.
I so need to find some friends that I can talk to. I feel that I am getting sick again. The people at the meeting were really nice. There were 3 people there that did understand English, so I did not feel too alone.
I really feel that God or a higher power directed me to go to this Al-Anon. I felt a little better once I started listening and started understanding what people were talking about. I received some phone numbers to call and, yes, they finished the meeting with the prayer and saying that I needed to come back.
I still feel uneasy, but I think if I can get to another meeting in a couple of days I will feel better about all of this. I do know that this is where I was directed by my God, so I know this is the right place for me.
First time on site. Starting to set limitations on my husband, because I have had it with alcohol abuse. I just declined two weddings that I would like to attend, but I do not want to take the chance that he will drink too much (he always does, especially if I remind him to take it easy). Others think he is funny–but because he does it every time, not so fun to me.
I am fairly new to Al-Anon. I started this past Oct. due to my very best friend’s having to go into rehab. I knew that she drank, but I didn’t realize it was so bad. I felt bad about that, but now I realize that I was powerless over that and even if I did know, there was nothing that I would have been able to do anyway.
What I can do for my friend is to be a good listener and think before I talk to her and ask myself if it is thoughtful and purposeful. It’s funny that I did not get to Al-Anon earlier, since I was married to an addict, drugs and alcoholic, for 26 years. I will be divorced 5 years this coming Sept. April 25th was my anniversary. We would have been married 31 years. Wow.
We have a son together and my ex just recently informed me that he thinks I was artificially inseminated and that our son is not our son. I’m hoping that was just his disease talking, but if he really felt that way all through the marriage, I almost feel like our marriage was doomed from the start. How could he have felt any good towards me if he believed that? And he certainly came to hate me and treat me horribly, both physically and mentally.
Fortunately I was able to afford therapy and so much of what I learned there meshes so well with the tools of Al-Anon. When I got to Al-Anon, I was ready and open and from my first meeting felt I was in the right place. Now back to Step One. I feel that by the time I got to Al-Anon I already knew that I couldn’t change anyone and that the only one I could change was myself. I knew that I was a part of the problem, my husband being the great therapist that he was, reminding me of that all the time. I forgave my husband and I have compassion for him.
I’m actually in a very good place right now and having Al-Anon will help me to maintain that, because truthfully, I am powerless over everything except myself, so the tools that I am learning here will benefit and have benefited all parts of my life. I am so grateful for Al-Anon. BTW, anyone here going to Vancouver for the International Al-Anon Convention?
I, too, have been married to an alcoholic for almost 30 years. He has never been abusive and when he started losing a lot of weight and everyone was telling him how great he looked, it was because he stopped eating and was just drinking. His employer put him in detox and that started a nightmare I just can’t get out of. He is now in his 3rd 30-day treatment program, has to take his pension early, lost our family health insurance, and every time he is away unemployment refuses to pay because he “is not actively seeking work”, and lost his life insurance. Now we will lose our house–they say alcoholics have to get to the bottom before they get better, but some can keep digging.
In the end I am left to do all the decision-making and work of getting our home of 23 years cleaned up and cleaned out. I learned in Al-Anon to save myself and my children–not easy in America. In fact a social worker from his last detox center called to say he could be picked up and I said where is he going, he can’t come here. I told him that the next time he drank he would have to find somewhere else, and she said, “If the house is in both of your names, he can stay as long as he wants. You don’t have to talk to him or do anything for him, but he can come home.”
So much for saving myself, but he did decide to go to a new program, which we had to pay $4,000 up front for. Turns out drinking instead of eating is not a good weight-loss secret. When he is in a program, I think we should be able to get some kind of disability.
I have not attended a meeting yet, but these comments have been so helpful already. I realized last night that I will never be able to control his drinking. It makes me mad because I know it is not good for his health and I resent that he would risk it and risk leaving me alone, but I have never had a long-term impact on his drinking, and I have been working on that for 42 years.
He gets it under control for a few days or a few weeks and then slowly he starts drinking more and more. I don’t understand the need he has for it, but what it really comes down to is that that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I am wasting my time getting depressed and hurt over it because it changes nothing. I just get promises that I know he will never keep. He is the most important person in my life and it hurts to realize that I am not the most important thing in his, but I am powerless to change that.
I need to accept that and move on with making the most out of the other things in my life that matter to me. I have a long road ahead of me, working through the Steps–I think this one in particular–but I am determined to change my own reality and find some peace and happiness.
I have been married to an alcoholic for 36 years and my life is a shamble. He doesn’t go to meetings, and he hasn’t accepted that he is an alcoholic. I have tried Al-Anon before, many years ago, and it did help. Things have gotten real bad. He is abusive now, which he hasn’t been, and he is verbally abusive–which really hurts me. I pray to God that he would make him sick so he wouldn’t drink anymore, but it hasn’t happened yet.
I love my husband with all my heart, but I just can’t take it anymore. I want to throw in the towel. I feel my life has been wasted. But I am an enabler and I don’t want to be one anymore, so I need to know how to stop. He is complaining of stomach problems, but he won’t go to the doctor, and he lost a lot of weight. God help me, because I think he’s slowing dying.
I am so powerless around those I care about most. Those I feel closest to are absolutely out of my power. I want to say this again. The most powerful truth: I am powerless over those I care about the most & my life became unmanageable around those who are closest to me. I feel powerless. I feel really powerless.
There are very few people who are close. Then there is the next level of closeness with people. None of them are in recovery of any kind. I acknowledge my power to surrender. I am so powerless being here.
I am really delighted I found this site. I have just started Al-Anon and am very confused with the 12 Steps. Listening and reading the comments on this page are very helpful.
My husband is in recovery. I tried all the controlling, which never worked. I would say now I controlled my family. I have a lot of bridges to build, but with time I hope I will be able to look at myself in a different light. I always blamed the alcoholic for what was happening in my life. Now I am learning I have a will of my own and can’t control others. It will take a long time, but I am willing to let go.
I haven’t listened to the podcast yet, but it’s my first time in the members area and I’m exploring the site and feeling so grateful that this blog is here! Looking forward to listening to the podcast when I’m alone…
In the meantime, just thinking about step 1 right now is helpful for me as my husband did not get ready in time for me to take him to his AA meeting tonight. (he does not drive because of a DUI). So at first I was feeling tense about it and judging…and then I started reading the Al Anon materials online and focusing on me again and PHEW! I remember how UNMANAGEABLE my life becomes when I make HIM the focus of my life. I stop living mine and that is just NOT what I choose for myself anymore.
So now he is still getting out of the shower and I am going to my own Al Anon meeting in about 15 minutes and I feel great about that. I am powerless over addiction. Over my husband’s actions and when I try to assert my power over them, like worrying about whether he gets to a meeting or not, my life becomes unmanageable and I suffer suffer suffer.
I am worth more than that. No more suffering at my own hand! I feel so much better now and more relaxed. Thanks for being here everyone! xo
Wow, I am so glad I picked up my phone and searched for you guys. Your pod broadcast has helped me! I am in AA sober 28 years but it wasn’t until I listened to your sharing that I truly realized how powerless I am over my daughter and her drug use. I have buried my husband and son because of this disease and knowing I couldn’t fix them still didn’t stop me from trying to fix my daughter and her boyfriend ( the father of my two grandkids). I am going to find a meeting and start on this road you are offering me as this insanity needs to stop. I need to find me a sponsor quick! Thank you so much for sharing your experience.
Trying to understand why 1 bottle of wine is no problem but when the second and third comes along I have to suffer her behaviour of verbal abuse, depression, delusion, paranoia, switch of personality. Then another day begins and all is ok up until after the first bottle and it all starts again! Spain is so beautiful, but everyone expects to drink in every bar most days!
I feel there is some hope if I return to Al-Anon. I am searching for a meeting so that I do not fall apart.
I have a serious problem with my son. I am completely devastated. I feel helpless with nowhere to turn.
I love this program. I came into Al-Anon full of shame. I had no self-confidence or self-esteem. I felt broken and disconnected from everything. I did not understand what unmanageable meant in my life. I thought I was managing my misery just fine.
I would try to please everyone around me and do what I thought was the right thing to do, always ignoring my needs. Then, when the pressure increased to a certain level, I would unleash my anger over the smallest incident or item. This explosive temper was a common characteristic of my dad’s family of origin. We all had “chips on our shoulders”. I thought it was genetic.
The First Step helped me understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me. It taught me that I don’t have to try to please others all the time. I am free to live my life and let others live their lives. It took years for me to change, but with the help of the meetings, working with a sponsor, reading the literature, working the Steps and doing service work, my life has transformed. Step One is where it starts. I am full of gratitude for the people in this fellowship who have loved me back to sanity.
I found out about this pod cast from the Group e-News for January and really enjoyed it–lots of recovery in those few minutes!
I had no idea how controlling I had become until my adult children pointed it out during an exercise at one of my qualifier’s many treatment stints. I think that I was just trying to control the chaos that our lives had become–and of course, chaos by definition is completely uncontrollable.
My life had become so unmanageable and chaotic that my mind was in a perpetual fog. I no longer knew what I felt or thought and had lost most of my creativity. It took the rooms of Al-Anon to help the fog clear and now some 12 years later, I am once again a creative thinker! These blessings started with Step 1–admitting that I am powerless over everything but my own behavior and feelings. These I am learning to control, but everything else I must accept. To me, accepting reality–what is, rather than obsessing about how it “should be” or how I want it to be–is the key to serenity and it all started with Step 1! Thank you, Higher Power and Al-Anon, for my sanity!
I’m a grateful member of Al-Anon for several years and since embracing the program One Day At A time, I can say that I’m infinitely more peaceful when I embrace Step One in ALL things. The thing over which I DO have control is my perception of a situation that is eroding my serenity.
If I can remember to turn everything and everyone over to my Higher Power, I can remain more peaceful. And if I feel the anxiety returning, that indicates that I’m taking back the issues and placing them, once again,on my shoulders. I must remain with the mindset of Acceptance for everything as it is at this moment and not cling to the illusion that I have any control over that person, place or thing.
Acceptance does not equate approval, but rather the understanding that things are what they are. I’m able to stay Grateful for everything. That includes not only the positive things, but the challenges as well. For me, Gratitude is key. Thanks for letting me share.
I was surprised to find out that there are electronic meetings available almost any time of the day or night. To find the list, I clicked on electronic meetings after going to the Find a Meeting link on the home page. Thanks, Al-Anon, for being there whenever I need you, face to face or electronically. Now I know why I put a contribution each week in our group’s basket and in the envelop from the WSO when it is passed quarterly. I may not be able to control the alcoholics in my life, but I can express gratitude for what has so freely been given to me.
Alcohol and relatives during the holidays can drive me through the roof. I have to remember I have to provide the car and the gas if I decide to go on that useless journey. Al-Anon gives me the tools like Step One to not even put the key in the ignition.
Without this program, I would be sinking more and more into the hole that drives me crazy. With multiple qualifiers in my family and some in my household, I must do multiple meetings to take care of me–I DO MATTER.
THANKS
This Step tells me that I am powerless and that my life becomes unmanageable when I live with the illusion that being in «control» is realistic. This Step brings me back to the reality of who I am: a powerless person before people, events and things. I am therefore confronted with the reality that tells me that I can’t control, verify and have in hand everybody and everything around me.
I am first powerless over alcohol, the person who uses it and the consequences that the use of alcohol has on that person. Did I always know that? No. Controlling the use of alcohol of another person was what I believed in for many years. The illusions that I had that I could also control all the people, events and things brought me over and over to the «uncontrollable». I got my myself in trouble up to my neck when I took this control for reality. I thought I was controlling, sure that nothing was impossible for me, who could orchestrate so brilliantly everything!
Do I know it now? Yes. Do I always put it into practice? No. Sometimes I forget that the 1st Step is the stepping stone to a better and healthier life and to a more spiritual and emotionally fulfilling stability. I know that the essence of this Step, the Al-Anon meetings, my sharing while there, reading my documentation and sharing with my sponsor, all of that gradually gains ground. I can, if I do the needed efforts and use the tools that are there for me, admit that I am powerless. I can, if I put all of that into action, have a «controlled» and «controllable» life, in fact a life tinted with stability and serenity. I can therefore offer myself the quality of life that I deserve. I try to offer myself this great life «one day at a time».
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Reading your posts helps me find serenity and be able to accept that I’m a human being and I can make mistakes, that I have a heart that beats and can be hurt, and that it is ok to feel frustrated–but I can control only my behavior and reaction to my feelings and what to do with other people’s input.
It’s been very difficult after the holidays and it seems like I cannot accomplish enough to be done with Step One, but I just noticed I have to practice every day and not stop at any time. There is no graduation from this Step. I have to learn to practice it in my daily life. From now on, I will try to remember that I’m a human and can only control my life, and I have to focus on my life. From now on, I will try to live and let live–difficult, but I can do it with the help of my higher power.
Holidays are always chaotic–more time spent on making sure everyone gets what they want and I lose track of me. I have only made it to one meeting in the past month and I know I am out of control. I need to refocus on Step One and look in the mirror. I lose sleep, don’t eat right and feel almost dizzy from all the things to do.
I need to use January to step back and remember I have control over when I try to go to sleep, the foods I put in my mouth, and what I do when I am awake and away from work. I can’t control the weather, but I can put on an extra warm layer and walk outside to find some serenity–even if it is only 15 min in the cold.
Thanks for a look at Step One again when I really needed it!
I enjoyed reading these comments. I’m just getting started. I need to learn, learn, learn!
Admitting I am powerless over my thinking relieves me from having to solve my “thinking problem”. When I surrender my thinking, and admit that it is my thinking that makes my life unmanageable, I open the door for my Higher Power to enter my head and my heart. Then I am free to look at my choices and respond rather than react.
I usually cope with the drunkenness simply by tolerating, patience and, yes, avoidance. This past week he continued to drink, provide excuses, denial, and repeatedly get in my face or get “sloppy/mushy/loveydovey.”
I found myself extremely irritated because I didn’t know how to break free from him and have peace. I was completely powerless. I was really struggling with not being able to feel the love/not able to practice what I’ve come to know works for my circumstances. I simply had to accept that I am human and I can’t always get it right. After a few days, I was ok again and I’m thankful.
Surrender means not getting wrapped up in his life to the point where my own needs are shoved to the side. Powerlessness means I get to focus on my needs and desires because focusing on others’ would make me God and I am not God. Grateful member of Al-Anon
Acceptance and surrender allowed me to know I am not in charge – what freedom! I also am not responsible for someone’s drinking or choices in life – only mine.
I must constantly remind myself about my powerlessness and do whatever is required at the time to separate myself from the alcoholic. Warning: If I don’t understand this I will forever be entrapped by the alcoholic and immeshed in the chaos that surrounds him/her. This simple exercise brings a level of calm to me right now.
I am reminded every day that not only am I powerless over alcohol, but I am powerless over everyone/everything in my life, except my own behaviour. This is acceptance for me and saves me tons of worry over all other people, actions, or things outside of myself, leaving me mostly, happy, joyous and free.
Not a day goes by that I do not use this Step. I don’t always apply it to alcoholics in my life, but there are plenty of others I use it on. I am powerless of everyone and everything, except my own actions and behavior. Once I remember I am powerless of people, places and things, as well as alcoholics, I can Let Go and Let God handle those things and not fret or stew over that which I have no power.
Thanks for making this available to us.
Just hearing the members in my first meetings repeating the First Step assured me that being powerless over alcohol and the alcoholism of a family member was okay; others were also powerless. This program seemed to recommend that I believe in that powerlessness. I had felt that I was a failure because I hadn’t been able to convince my husband that he should stop drinking (so our lives would be perfect). It began to sink in that getting him sober wasn’t my job and fortunately, in his case, he was getting to AA meetings where the people who really could help him were.
Admitting that my life was unmanageable was a blow to my pride, but it was so evidently true. While I was trying to manage his life, mine was skidding downhill and I couldn’t get a handle on it. Even though at that time I didn’t see how I could take Step Two and begin allowing a Higher Power to help me recover, taking Step One relieved me of a big burden, so I could spend my time listening in meetings and reading Al-Anon literature. Seeing how other members used the Steps eventually showed me a way that I too could progress through the Steps, focusing on my own recovery. My life wasn’t nearly so unmanageable as it had been!
I’m so glad to have found this site. I have not been able to get to face-to-face meetings because I work the afternoon shift. I miss my Al-Anon family, very much. Some of us (friends) get together, but it’s still not the same.
I am still finding that I need to go back to Step One, even after being in the program for 21 years. I’m so grateful for my Al-Anon program. It’s always just a phone call away.
I was having Christmas at my house and my son’s live-in girlfriend helped me to step back and look at myself. She is a vegetarian and I have a difficult time remembering to not add any dairy or meat to my dishes when I cook.
I was trying to do good and remember not to add cheese to the cauliflower before she had a chance to serve herself. I asked her nicely to make a plate, before I added the cheese to the cauliflower. Her reaction left me stunned. She came up to me and asked me for clay or wood to make a plate!
I tried to be quiet and not show my frustration. Then she layed on the sofa (in a house full of my family) and said, “I have plates at home.” Then when we all got ready to eat, she said that the carrots were cooked and she liked them raw.
I tried to “let her be.” I had given her many nice gifts because I want her to feel like she is a part of our family, just like my own kids. I noticed after she and my son had left, she left a package of expensive perfume that I had given to her. It was partially ripped open and left laying in the middle of the living room floor.
Well, Step One helps me work through this situation. I don’t understand why she acted this way and I know that I don’t need to understand why people do or say what they do or say. I don’t have to say anything to her in anger or because of hurt feelings because I don’t want to make things bigger than they need to be. I am reminding myself that she is a child of God, she has her own issues, I don’t need to take this personally, I can stay calm and keep my dignity, it doesn’t have to ruin my day. It’s not up to me to try to change her to fit my EXPECTATIONS.
I think that’s why it bothered me at the time. I expected her to be what I thought she should be. I’m so thankful for my program! My soon-to-be son-in-law asked me if I knew how to be mean. He thought that I could have said something to her . I didn’t tell him that I have worked for many years to not be mean (anymore).
I know that no matter how much I want the drinking to stop, I cannot control another person. My attempts to control things will always lead me to insanity.
Oh, I love Al-Anon. Because of the holidays, I haven’t been to a meeting in a week and I was starting to have that feeling that if I don’t get some “program” soon I may have a slip into my old “fixing” habits.
I had returned home from a volunteer job and opened my email to find a notice from WSO that a new podcast on Step One was available. Yay! It was excellent; just what I needed to hear. I needed that reminder that I am powerless over people, places and things no matter how hard I try to change people, places and things.
Today my volunteer job at an emergency shelter for teenagers was forgotten by the activities director. So, instead of getting angry, frustrated or resentful, Al-Anon has taught me to do the next right thing. I straightened an art closet, visited with one of the clients before they went ice skating, and talked with the director and facility therapist. I was powerless over the mix-up, but I could be of service with a loving attitude. That is what Step One in my personal life has helped me do.
When I am obsessing on him, what he’s doing, whether he’s going to mess it up, then I’m the one who has decided to slide back into unmanageability. What if he does it wrong? Does it matter, really? Just because he is behaving like an alcoholic, that’s just how they behave.
Having said that, if the alcoholic’s behavior truly impacts me, then I have to do something or I will get all stressed out. I have to “draw a line in the sand” if necessary! I’ve been in Al-Anon a long time now, and I still have to concentrate on what I have control over, & what I don’t.