Dec 28 2012

Using Step One

Published by at 12:05 pm under Using the Steps

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Welcome to Using Al-Anon’s Twelve Steps in Our Personal Lives. This is a series of podcasts to discuss how Al-Anon members use the basic principles of Al-Anon.

Today we’re going to ask Al-Anon members how they used Step One to help them overcome the impacts of a loved one’s drinking.

How to locate an Al-Anon meeting


The following tags are aids to navigation for other podcasts in this series.


98 comments on “Using Step One”

  1. Chris says:

    Reading this is depressing; it’s a never-ending cycle. Someone once told me that you can either choose to love someone for who they are, or leave them. But don’t expect to change them. The only thing you can change is your response.

    Seeing my fiancee relapse and dealing with the stress associated with it has reminded me that I have a choice. A heart-breaking choice, but a choice.

  2. cc says:

    I am married to an alcoholic, who is now in recovery. He drank for 50 years, and I am wife #three. He had believable stories about why marriages #one and #two failed, and he seemed so loving and capable.

    Our love story seemed too good to be true, and pretty much immediately after our wedding, he became angry and controlling. I walked on eggshells trying to please him, but he was unpleasable. He tried to convince me that I was incapable and that he should make important decisions for me.

    I didn’t truly understand that he had a drinking problem until somewhere in year four of our marriage. I told him that I had become afraid of him and for him and insisted that he get treatment and quit. We had a good conversation, but nothing changed. His anger and control continued to escalate until I worked up the courage to leave our home and moved away in year 5.

    My husband joined AA, acknowledging having a drinking problem, having been abusive and accepted responsibility for reckless spending that endangered our long term well-being. We reunited after many promises. He credits his recovery for his great love for me and reconnected with god as part of his recovery.

    It has now been almost a year since reuniting. Sadly, I am seeing the same old patterns emerge. Anger over trivial things, spending choices that endanger our secure retirement. I am coming to realize that while he has achieved sobriety, sobriety in and of itself may not cure personality flaws and old habits.

    He stopped going to his AA meetings this year because of a need to focus on business. I have closed up to him emotionally again, because I have learned that even in his sobriety I don’t feel loved and safe. This is very sad. I had thought that perhaps Al-Anon could help me, but I do not believe in god and there is an awful lot of god-talk on these threads. My higher power would be nature, but I can’t pretend that I can put my faith in nature to shield me from anything.

    I have developed a nearly ever-present eye-tick from the stress in our home. This is not a healthy place for me. I have no power to change my husband’s behavior and outlook, and need to save myself. I used to be so upbeat, and am at risk of losing the part of myself that I most appreciate. My world has become smaller and smaller.

    In reading the thread above mine, Don has expressed some of the same questions: is spending time with Al-Anon the best way to seek healing for me? Sharing my questions in this venue may help to bring me clarity. I knew that I was powerless against his drinking alcohol, and I am powerless now to change his attitudes.

  3. Lois says:

    I have been married to an alcoholic for 37 years. He has been sober for 4 years. We have grown into being strangers. I went to Al-Anon 4 years. I never really did the Steps, but I found my Higher Power and I thought all was good.

    I still think I need to go back, but felt no one was moving forward & I couldn’t find a Sponsor, so I left. I really need help with the Steps & someone to talk to, so I hope this will help me.

  4. Samantha says:

    Step One has been a big issue for me.

    I’m an adult child, so my symptoms, my unmanageable life, isn’t particularly evident to me. I just realized that the same crappy patterns keep happening. Every so often, my life turns upside down. Someone that I love is cut off from my life. The resentment builds up because I am doing unrequested acts for the person and not getting the same in return. My therapist tells me I “cut and run” when the resentment becomes too much.

    Now that it seems to be happening in my 10-year marriage, I’m realizing there is a problem. My life has absolutely become unmanageable. I’m trying to cut everyone out and I don’t want to do that — I want healthy relationships with my family and my husband.

    I have come to Al-Anon to put a stop to my destructive behaviors honed in my childhood. It’s not easy, because these behaviors are all I know and I’m going to have to learn what love feels like without pity — I have gotten the two confused so many times before.

  5. MandM says:

    I love the shares, and I thoroughly enjoy this program. I am currently working Step One, have a Sponsor, attend f2f meetings once a week, type up a gratitude list of ten items daily. It’s helping, but there are still items I struggle with:
    1. Accepting alcoholism as a disease
    2. Accepting that I can’t control others, not even addicts per se.

    To combat those hurdles to accepting Step One, I try to read about the science behind alcoholism being a disease. To deal with #2 I stumbled upon this forum. I listened to the podcasts, read the comments, took note of the items that were of interest to me.

    Thank you all for sharing — looking forward to using this as a resource for working all the Steps.

  6. Steve says:

    I remember my first meeting when I heard Step #1 read out and I thought to myself, “That isn’t right, I have power over alcohol!”

    You see, although I did more than my share of “partying” in my late teens and 20’s, I never developed into an alcoholic. So I must have had power over the alcohol. I must have had more will-power or moral fortitude than the alcoholics in my life — Right? Wrong!

    One idea that helped me get my head around this was that I read in the program literature somewhere that someone thought of this Step as “being powerless over the impacts of alcohol.” The idea was that, for us in Al-Anon, “alcohol” is equivalent to the “impacts of alcohol.” This nailed me to the wall. I couldn’t deny that I was powerless over the impacts of the disease on my life.

    I came into the program 31 years after I had left my alcoholic home (both of my parents had serious alcohol issues). I hadn’t lived with an active alcoholic since, but my life was getting sucked down the drain. I had married someone like me, another adult child of an alcoholic. My “isms” and character defects, learned in the alcoholic home, had slowly but inevitably destroyed every relationship with every other person in my life. I was powerless and I needed help, which I subsequently found within the program.

    I learned, too, from the program literature and further reflection that I had no moral or will-power superiority over the alcoholic. I was just lucky, that’s all! I was lucky I didn’t have that compulsion, that “physical allergy” to the alcohol. My will-power is no better than anyone else’s. If stopping drinking had required any continual exertion of will on my part, I would have been unable to do it.

  7. Lynn says:

    I want to start by saying how grateful I am I found this site. My story is more than 46 years in the making, as my father was an alcoholic. All through my childhood, I watched my mother enable his actions and inactions. I became your stereotypical child of an alcoholic.

    Fast-forward to my marriage. I’ve been married to my husband for over 26 years. He’d been a heavy drinker since day one of our meeting and has had multiple affairs over 11 years of our marriage. Even through all this, because of our children and my father’s behavior, I never wanted to take a drink.

    I did exactly what my mother taught me and cleaned up the “messes” he would make. Or I thought I was. I didn’t realize how insane my life was, how alcohol literally was making it unmanageable — and I wasn’t cleaning up those “messes.” I was just covering them up.

    My husband did get sober and is actively part of AA. I, however, am still trying to work up the courage to go back to Al-Anon. Reading all these blogs and listening to the podcasts today, the start of a new year has given me hope.

  8. Steve says:

    My stepson is 30 and has a substance problem. Rather than denying he has a problem, he acknowledges it, but then lies about attending meetings, and saying things like he’s 3 weeks sober, when in fact his words are slurred and the smell of beer is on him. So far, it’s cost him a relationship, being able to hug his 3-year-old girl, and I’m afraid will lead to job loss and DUI. I don’t know what I can do.

  9. Will says:

    All I can share is the beauty of the slogan, “Keep Coming Back.” I’ve been in Al-Anon for about 12 years, and it makes a huge difference when I attend meetings regularly. Without them, the daily readings, and a sponsor, my thinking does indeed become distorted, because I will tend to forget how powerless I am over the behavior of others. My expecations become unrealistic and I react rather than respond carefully to, or detach from, a given situation.

    I also would share an observation I heard in a meeting recently from a group member I have come to respect very much. After many years in Al-Anon, she still found herself angry and resentful about the things going on in her life. Reviewing Step One helped bring her back to sanity. She remembered the need to acknoweldge that there was a problem she was powerless over — namely, her own thinking.

    I really identified with that. I understood again I need to keep coming back to meetings so that I can feel safe enough, in the company of those I love and trust, to turn my thinking over to my Higher Power. It is hard for me to do that since I tend to be analytical. It is humbling for me to admit my thinking has become compromised by living with this disease, but when I can, and then decide to turn it over to my Higher Power, I find I become less fearful, less controlling, and more peaceful. Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

  10. Christy says:

    I still remember the day this summer, standing in my bathroom and frustrated beyond belief, when I finally realized that I was powerless over my husband’s drinking. Maybe it should have been more obvious to me because some 20 years before, I learned the same thing about my mother’s drinking when I was in my early 20s and my father had checked my mother into rehab and we all went to Al-Anon for a short while.

    I remembered from the program that I didn’t cause it, but somehow had forgotten that I couldn’t cure or control another person’s drinking. So I spent most days racking my brain for ways I could help my husband feel more love and less stress so he could actually enjoy our blessed life and three beautiful young children.

    Thankfully, I had been, for about a year, going regularly to a new church with the kids and learning about a God who was loving and gracious, who, as my Father, wanted a relationship with me and who would do anything for me, including sending His beloved son to die so that my sins would be forgiven. So it was on that awful day in my bathroom, when it fell on me like a ton a bricks that the man I had tied myself to for life was actually a high-functioning alcoholic (prestigious job, no debts, no outward signs of a problem).

  11. bren says:

    I am new to this site and decided to listen and read information to help me. My father was an alcoholic (who is now passed). My mother drank in her younger years and does not drink, and presently my daughter is an alcoholic and in recovery.

    After listening to Step One, the hard thing for me is to look after me first. Small steps are easy at times and not. Thanks for letting me share.

  12. J-E says:

    I’ve been attending meetings since 2009, with a break in there of a couple years. As I listened to the shares here, I felt I’d never really taken the First Step. I keep feeling responsible for other people’s feelings, after growing up with two adult children of alcoholics for parents. I feel a release of tension in my belly, listening to these speakers and reflecting that I have the right to take care of myself and that it is not my job to take care of other people’s feelings. Thank you for making this available.

  13. Kristina says:

    I have been married for 18 years to an alcoholic. His father and all of his brothers are also alcoholics. Throughout our marriage, I have tried to control his drinking and it literally sucks the life out of me, trying to out think him so he doesn’t get his hands on alcohol.

    He has already gotten 2 DUI’s, the second one resulting in an accident that almost took his life in 2005. For the past year, he regularly drives home from work while drinking. Our 24-year-old son just got his 1st DUI last month and my husband’s family treats it like it is a milestone to be celebrated. I suspect that my son, too, may be an alcoholic.

    I have a genetic disease that will result in my needing a kidney and liver transplant in the future. I have reached a point where I can no longer manage my husband’s alcoholism disease while also trying to manage my illness. My life is totally unmanageable, to the point that I have anxiety/panic attacks, which further exacerbates my health conditions.

    On a rational level, I totally understand Step 1, but on an emotional level I just don’t know how to distance myself from their chaos.

  14. Sarah says:

    I am new to this. My boyfriend of 5 years is an alcoholic. He is currently in treatment.

    We have gone through so many periods of sobriety, then drinking. I do not really know where to begin. I feel like for the first time I understand Step One, kind of. I know that I am powerless over his addiction. For all of our relationship, I have tried to cover it to my family. I made excuses for his absences, his posts to Facebook, his actions. I just plain tried to hide it. Until recently, when he posted things that ended up causing the police to show up at his house.

    It was in the couple weeks since that I have admitted to my family his alcoholism, that I have told them he is in rehab. Yet, I feel all alone, like I want to just let go, cry on someone’s shoulder, tell the stories of his deeds done while drinking. However, there is really nobody to listen. My three best friends are busy with life and live far away.

    How do I begin to heal? Who will listen to me? Who is going to let me let it all out?

    I was moved by the stories above and I kind of understand Step One, but am not sure how to do it. I cannot walk away from him or leave him. He is my soul-mate. I will not abandon him for his alcoholism. I just do not know if that means that I am not getting Step One or not.

  15. Coralee H. says:

    I have been in this fellowship for many years. When I first came in, the “we” part was so important to me. It told me that I was not in this alone. Others came before me, and would be of help. All I had to do was ask; that was very hard at first. Pride and shame stood in my path to recovery.

    Last week I chose to release my qualifier. I understood (again) that I am powerless over the disease, or the addictive mind. My addictive mind hung on to her for 10 months before I could let her go. Fortunately she is also in a 12 Step Program. I release her back to her path, knowing recovery is available to her as well as for me.

  16. Melonie says:

    I read this and listened to the pod casts and I admit it brought tears to my eyes.

    I am trying to adapt to Step One, because as a sister of an alcoholic brother I find it so hard not to try to save him or make him better and it is affecting my mental health.

    My heart breaks because I remember the brother he was — kind, loving and my hero, and now I am forced to see the person he has become — a mean, abrasive jerk who is an alcoholic.

    I have had the need to help him or voice how it affects me penetrate my dreams both at night and during daydreams, as I have gotten this image of a letter I am supposed to write persist, and it’s word for word.

    I admit that a part of me hates him and I want to yell and scream and shake him and the personal support worker in me wants to scare him with information on what alcoholism does to your body, even though I know it won’t work.

    I admit I am powerless over his alcoholism and I struggle with how to have a relationship with him.

  17. Beth says:

    We admitted we were powerless over alcohol–that our lives had become unmanageable.

    I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. This First Step may be the hardest for me because I always feel responsible to “fix” everything in my children’s lives. As the mother of amazing adult children who happen to use drugs, I believe I can make them stop and heal them just like I did when they got a boo-boo when they were little. I feel it is in the good mother’s job description to insure your children never participate in illegal activities and always do what is right.

    I am having a hard time letting go of them and allowing them to do what they are going to do. Am I supposed to give my daughter back her stash and pipe that I confiscated, knowing that she most likely has an addictive personality that runs in our family? Am I supposed to ignore all the signs that both my son and daughter display and let them ruin their lives the way my sister has, due to her alcoholism?

    I do feel “powerless” over their decisions. My life is definitely “unmanageable.” I feel full of worry, anxiety, and that empty feeling inside. I feel as though if I let go of my children, I will lose them forever. But I also fear I will lose them if I don’t let go. This is absolutely the scariest moment of my life and I am still seeking many answers.

  18. April says:

    I guess I can start with my dad. He’s used the word “alcoholic” and even had an AA book. However, I never saw him drunk and made the decision to get sober when I was still very young. I honestly thought I had lucked out. I didn’t have all those horror stories of my dad, “the drunk”. He was a physical presence for our entire lives. My mom and dad are still together. However, he wasn’t “emotionally” present.

    He checked out without the alcohol in his life. It was his crutch, what made him funny and cool and happy. So without his crutch he was cold, distant, angry. I can count on one hand the number of times he’s said I love you to any of us. Going to my first meeting I learned the term, “dry drunk.” That was my dad.

    He had all the emotions; self-pity, anger, resentment. He wasn’t a nice person. And I grew up thinking he hated us and his life. Meanwhile, my mom was so angry. She hated my dad and took it out on us. She regularly voiced her disdain for my dad and her life. So between anger, withdrawal, resentment and grief, I became a sheltered, cold, unaffectionate control freak–with a lot of rage.

    Fast forward to my current situation. I fell in love with an alcoholic. I didn’t know he was one, although I should have. I met him at a bar in the morning. Some would have said I had a drinking problem. Maybe. But all that angst about my problems went away when I found out this man drinks from sun up to sun down and had been for a very long time.

    We connected due to a similar pain. The loss of a lover. I felt like “he got me.” I never felt so connected to another human than with this man. I felt like I had to save him. To fix him. The control freak in me needed to do it for my own ego and pride. I never realized I was enabling him and in fact making matters worse, until my first meeting.

    I’m still on Step One and it’s so hard to ignore his texts and emails. But I’m trying to lovingly detach. I’ve set my boundaries and trying to stick to it. It’s so hard because I love him so, but I need to fix me first. I find strength in these stories and pray I can continue with these Steps, one day at a time.

  19. Stacy says:

    That’s all great, admitting you are powerless; but I don’t know how it helps when the alcoholic gets drunk and unpleasant in your home.

  20. Meg says:

    My father was an alcoholic. My aunt is an alcoholic. My brother is an alcoholic. My ex-husband is an alcoholic. My boyfriend of 14 years has been using alcohol. He has been hiding his drinking and driving while drinking.

    Today, I told him that I knew, I was worried, and I wanted to help him. Somehow, in our discussion that followed, it became my fault that he drinks and my fault he is depressed.

    I had set the boundary a year ago that when the voice got raised and a swear word was used in anger, I would leave the discussion and go for a drive. Anger cannot solve the problem, anger is not an answer. Anger and blaming others is pain and self-hatred.

    I cannot control what he does, only that I do what I think is right and compassionate. I cannot control others; I can only control how I feel.

  21. Darlene says:

    I have the blessing of knowing a 12-Step program because I have 7 years clean and sober. However, my husband is an alcoholic and my 30-year-old daughter is addicted to drugs. We are raising her 2 kids and today my husband lost his mother.

    I’m already prepared for him to deal with this loss the only way he knows how–to numb. I forgive him in advance for the harsh words and embarrassing actions of his disease and I am working on forgivness towards my daughter, who is repeating my bad mistakes and decisions, right down to losing custody of her children.

    Addiction is cunning and baffling, but a higher power can bring resolution and peace way beyond my knowledge. I remember not to look at the whole “staircase,” which can become overwhelming, but to just focus on the First Step. May the God of our understanding be with us and our loved ones. Peace is the reward!!

  22. Amy says:

    My fiancee of 4 years is an alcoholic. He refuses to admit that he has a problem and he drinks beer from the time he wakes to the time he passes out. I have caught him lying to me, blaming me for small issues and turning them into giant issues. He has physically abused me, constantly abusing emotionally. Accuses me of having affairs at work, with his son, his brother, his father, and his friends. I have lost every friend and family member, due to his drinking and controlling nature. He has been in jail on 3 occasions since being with me, all stemming from his drinking.

    I try to take one day at a time, but it’s so hard. I need to know how to make him realize that he has a problem. His “groceries” are more important to him than paying the household bills or filling the pantry.

  23. Tina says:

    I would love to attend an Al-Anon meeting, but like so many I live in a rural area and really don’t know where to turn. I was married to an alcoholic for over 20 years. In the later years he started using drugs. I got where I just couldn’t stand it anymore and left the relationship. He is now deceased of a drug overdose.

    I went from bad to worse and remarried–to a man who liked drinking and being controlling, and 6 years into that relationship I divorced again.

    I finally found a man who doesn’t drink and treats me great, but in the process of everything I have a son who uses drugs. He has been in and out of prison for over 10 years. This last time when he got out I fixed a small building on my property for him to live in. We charged him no rent and I paid his electric bill for him because he had no income.

    I didn’t realize until recently how I was enabling him. My younger son and I have forbidden him to be in our lives now until he gets help, long term help!

    It’s the dead of winter. I don’t know where he is now. My heart feels like it’s breaking. I never thought I would feel so cold-hearted toward my own son. The last time he showed up here, he just pushed his way into the home. He had felt because he went and got some mental treatment for three days I would let him back into our lives, but he has so much anger in him I feel fearful he’ll try and hurt one of us.

    I keep asking if I’ve done the right thing, and I’m not sure. If I allow him to come back, my husband now says he will leave, he has had enough of the drugs around him.

    Just wish I had the right answers, I’m feeling so lost.

  24. Samii says:

    In January 2014, after being with my active alcoholic for 15 plus years, my alcoholic was arrested for their first DUI. I finally had the courage to leave the relationship.

    When my alcoholic refused treatment, I was done. I am a strong believer that it’s okay to love an alcoholic. They are good people with a bad disease. But what I learned is that I need to love myself as much as I love them. I know there is help. The more I learn about alcoholism, the better. It affects all of the family in different ways. This program saved my life!

  25. Penny says:

    I have just started the 12 Step program through Al-Anon.

    My husband has been drinking for a year and the drinking increased over the past 6 months. He put himself into rehab, where he has been for 30 days. He has 90 more days in long-term rehab. I have been going to family therapy once a week and attended a family matrix program.

    I am working on the First Step and when I realized I could not control the drinking or addiction it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It took me several weeks just to realize that I needed to fix me.

    I am looking for a face-to-face meeting to attend and found this site.

    Thank you for sharing your stories. I can relate to so many of them. I find strength in my HP and realize I need to turn it over to my HP.

  26. Usha says:

    I have been in this recovery programme since the last 5 years. I read Al-Anon literature regularly. Step One is a daily routine of my recovery.

    I accept that my life is completely unmanageable, whenever I try to control people. My higher power reminds me of this Step almost daily, as many times I remain under some unknown fear. I feel very remorseful. At this moment also I am feeling powerless over my boss’s behaviour. But programme is helping me to remain calm, as my serenity is my first priority, with the “First Things First” slogan. God’s will–

  27. Hanh says:

    I have been to Al-Anon meetings before. Working Step One is going to save my life.

  28. Anna says:

    I am back to Step One. Step One keeps me grounded in the moment.
    Right now–What do I need to do to take care of myself? Me. Here in the moment, now. Me, powerless over a disease or an alcoholic.

    “My” qualifier–32 y/o son. No program/doesn’t “believe in AA/NA” = rehab/jail/homeless/job to job.

    I’ve detached, separated, but I saw him tonight. Obviously intoxicated–drugs? Alcohol?

    It doesn’t matter. It’s not my job to name your poison. My job is Step One. I’m powerless.

    I will keep the focus on me. Breathe. Live and let live.

    I’m powerless! Even so, I found fellowship tonight. I found the desire to step back and detach with love.

    I am so grateful. Thank you.

  29. Renewedman says:

    My life is unmanageable, once I take my will back. For a time things go my way. Then when they don’t I cry, “Why?” Yet now I know how clever and insidious the mind and thought process is of an alcoholic. The attitudes I have were formed, so say the psychologists, in the 1st few years of our existence as toddlers.

    Yet, the more Al-Anon meetings I attend and Step work, my attitudes are changing! The way I auto-matically respond to something said is now seen as “not the best.”

    What is the method in order? I forget it: Is it: 1. To take it in (what is said to me) 2. Think 3. Then respond, not react?

    Versus–just react. Which later on I am almost assuredly going to wish I thought before reacting. I guess reacting is like emotions. They don’t have a right or wrong, just a ‘knee jerk’ response. Jerk is used correctly and personally.


  30. helena says:

    Hi. I have been attending online meetings for a few months now and it is going slowly.

    To realize that I am codependent and behaving badly was news. I always thought I am ok and the A is the problem. Well, so I created a monster–anger, fear, resentment, self-pity and more. But what a relief to know that I have the possibility to change me and my behavior and make my life better. And to understand that being powerless over the A and other things in life is actually a relief.

    I remember sharing about powerlessness and I wrote about how weak I am, and someone in that meeting said that actually it can be a relief to be powerless. Well, that was an awakening and how I now can stop the fighting against so many things in life and use that energy and time to grow and to learn to be a better person. Wow, there is a long way to go.

    So happy to have found Al-Anon.

  31. renewedman says:

    I accidently came across this site and have been strengthened by the hope and honesty and yes the down-trodden who show me by their stories that this is a deadly game that is no game. But there is one who can create the desire to get sober. May you find God now. Keep reaching out and telling on your disease.

  32. Gammy says:

    I’ve been around program for over 30 years. I recently lost my alcoholic husband who had 25 years of sobriety, but had serious health problems and was addicted to drugs, prescription and outside. He died 4 months ago and I have been finding out how bad the addition to drugs were by friends. It hurts and I’m into anger about this. I feel let down by him, and hurt that I took care of him, and disappointed in him. We were married for 35 years, and he died on our anniversary. Feeling confused and lost right now.

    Thank God for my daughter and grandchild, and this web site.

  33. Rochelle says:

    It’s pretty difficult to find an Al-Anon meeting where I live. It’s a very rural area.

    I’m 67, and I realize that I have lived my whole life being an enabler and codependent. Being the oldest child, with a very abusive mother, left me very hypervigilant and very responsible. I learned that through my own will I could “fix” things. I felt very competent do to whatever was necessary to keep things under control.

    I had 2 alcoholic husbands, many relationships, many family members and many friends who were addicts or alcoholics. It’s like I was (am) a magnet for broken people.

    So, my living situation has me supporting my sister, who is an addict/alcoholic. Time and time and time and time again, she relapses, sometimes only for a short time (pain pills are her nemesis), but nevertheless we have the conversation that is always the same–her saying, “I have a confession” and “I’m so sorry; I’ll never do it again”.

    I’m pretty much sick of this! I have no control over her. I have no control. I want to give up trying to fix and control.

  34. Eva says:

    I am married to an AA; he has been sober for 22 years (sober a year when I met him, dated for 2 years). Recently his drug of choice was Xanax. Along with this came sex-texting, internet, gambling and thousands of dollars gone (where? he doesn’t know). He went to rehab recently and is now staying at his mother’s house. I’ve been to two Al-Anon meetings. I’ve been listening to Al-Anon and AA speakers on YouTube.

    I didn’t get married and think that someday I would get the titles of enabler, codependent, his sobriety, his stabilizer and yes he called me his “mother”. I am hoping that Al-Anon will help me get serenity and clarity. The ladies at Al-Anon were very kind, they said, “You are in the right place”.

    I was a happy person before all of this. I hate the person I’ve become because of this. I’m angry, bitter, sad, confused and heartbroken. I am praying that I find, get and learn all of the Al-Anon Steps.


  35. Milie says:

    Wow–I think I am pretty foxy intelligent, but I have been doing some reading, beginning to listen to the voice within me that I am a codependent of an alcoholic mate. Last night when he was being verbally abusive I started questioning: why did I cause this, i.e. cause the anger? I began to question my own emotional sanity.

    When I awoke this a.m. the control he exerts/has exerted over me became clear again, but only lasts until we talk and I get delusional about how things will heal and get better. I feel relief that everything is okay when it is not and can’t be until he admits and seeks reality on his drinking.

    I have to be responsible for being an enabler/codependent in our married relationship. However he makes that happen, I will love and support him but not to the sell out of me. I am stronger than that.

    He is an intelligent man. He has shared his pain with me from time to time. I have not listened to or trusted my inner voice. I ignored that the lack of affection and intimacy were not important, just the product of a long marriage. I was a very faithful codependent in this, while I sought it in the non-sexual attractions of other men.

    We need to be honest. I need for my husband to be honest if we are to have the future together we both deserve. All of the comments shared above bring me solace and hope. Thank you.

  36. Ellen says:

    I’ve been going to Al-Anon meetings for years and have had numerous sponsors, yet I couldn’t stick with the relationship and the Step work. I kept hearing others talk about how their lives had been turned around because of the program and working the Steps, yet I continued to get stuck.

    After a meeting where a fellow member took my arm and firmly walked me over to a corner of the room, and told me I didn’t respect the meeting because I’d shared considerably over the timer’s beep, said I wasn’t working the program because I have to dump my “stuff” during a share because I don’t have a sponsor, etc., I began to cry. Thank God I do have enough program to have been able to take care enough of myself to ask her to stop. She’d already more than made her point, and she was going way beyond giving me a suggestion as to how I should work my program, etc. But I’d also learned that even if I didn’t like the tone of the message I should listen to the content, and she was right.

    Though I’ve accepted that I am powerless over my children who have been addicts/alcoholics, as well as those who are not, and am powerless, in fact, over everyone in my life, my life was still unmanageable. I couldn’t prioritize, procrastinated like mad, became paralyzed and felt totally powerless to move past my negative behavior. But I have an “appointment” to speak with my sponsor (someone I’d worked with before and to whom I had to commit myself to being serious and doing the work this time around), and I happened onto this site.

    Though I was frustrated that once again I’m being taken back to Step One, I also realize that my Higher Power is showing me that I need to look at where my life is unmanageable, what I can change, and what I’m powerless over. Thanks for being here. I’m blessed to have found Al-Anon.

  37. Karen says:

    I’m in complete despair. Been in a relationship for a year with a man I completely love and adore. 4 months into the relationship he told me he was an addict and alcoholic but has been 12 years off this. I still love him and want to be there for him and part of his life. But he was difficult to be around and emotionally abusive at times. He attends meetings every week and has his sponsor.

    I was starting to become unhappy with the way he was with me and felt him pulling away from me and us. He has ended our relationship and I’m so upset. There is no communication with us and hasn’t been for 4 weeks. He asked me to attend Al-Anon to understand people like him. I want to go, but he is no longer in my life–although I want him to be. I respect his decision for us to part. So upset and confused.

  38. Karen says:

    I have never been to an Al-Anon meeting. My work schedule makes it difficult to attend a meeting in person, although I plan to try. My 24-year-old son cycles between homelessness and losing jobs and drinking to cope. I have tried to fix his problems for years. I have decided that I need help. I need to figure out where to start and Step One looked like the place.

  39. Tami says:

    I am so glad that I searched for Al-Anon today. I attended meetings years ago, but stopped. I am still in an alcoholic relationship. I have all of a sudden realized that I am back to that person who is so out of control. I am trying to control everything and just realized that truly it is controlling me.

    I have to stop feeling and doing the things that I am trying to do because it will never change anything. I need to start Step One over again. This is controlling every aspect of my life. I need peace and serenity. I know the only way to have that is to “Let Go & Let God” and do it “One Day at a Time”.

    I will repeat the Serenity Prayer as many times a day as I need it. I do admit that I have no control over anything except myself. I do admit that I must turn this over to God and let Him help me. I cannot do it on my own. I don’t want to give up on him, but I do know that I cannot make him change. I can and will love him always. I will be there for him, but I must be there for myself first. His change is not my responsibility, I can only change myself. I will be strong with God’s help.

  40. Jean says:

    I’m thankful for finding this site tonight. Although Al-Anon helped me through some tough times years ago, it’s been a while since I’ve been to a meeting. A loved one’s alcoholism has finally reached the point where it can no longer be ignored. I have to acknowledge it while admitting I am powerless over it.

    Thank you for reminding me about the serenity prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (his drinking), courage to change the things I can (setting boundaries–no one in my family will get in a car if he’s been drinking and is behind the wheel), and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s conversation, but please, God, grant me the courage.

  41. karen.k says:

    I just found this podcast after attending my second Al-Anon meeting. I am wondering why do I need to work the Steps? Step one deals with the powerlessness over alcohol. I have been married for 34 years to a man who has finally admitted this after 45 years of drinking. He is working the Steps, found a sponsor and has his 90 day chip. Meanwhile, I want to find my own peace and serenity and although skeptical, I will keep an open mind.

  42. April says:

    I was a member of Al-Anon a while back, but stopped going because I lived in an area where it was hard to get to meetings because of transportation. I’ve since moved to a large city where meetings are abundant and am considering going back, because I realize that I have forgotten some of my earliest lessons from Al-Anon–like the fact that I cannot control everything. I need to stop and pray the serenity prayer regularly to remind myself.

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

  43. Todd says:

    I’m an alcoholic, and as of yesterday discovered I am now a codependent husband with full blown insanity. I have received sobriety through the Steps of AA. I read the Steps here at Al-Anon last night and changed the angle of view. I have been trying to control and combat an addicted wife and stepson with my AA program for close to 7 months. I needed to rethink and reapply this very critical Step and the following two to let go and find the peace and serenity I need. They are on there own as of today for getting theirs. Thank you.

  44. May says:

    I’ve been in Al-Anon for many years. I haven’t been to a meeting for months. This morning, being able to hear the podcast was so important to me. I’ve gotten away from the very basic Step that says I have no control over anyone other than myself. Did I need to hear the words that were spoken here? Yes, yes and yes. Thank-you so much for the message.

  45. jeany says:

    I am new and my husband is an alcoholic. I need to find a way to deal with this. We have been married a long time. But I’m ready for help.

  46. Lara says:

    This is my first time seeking guidance with this group. I am in a very new relationship with a man who struggles with alcoholism. I had my first experience of pain and distress when we met early one morning for breakfast and I smelled alcohol on his breath. When I asked him when he had last taken a drink, he immediately confessed that it had been during our call late in the evening the night before.

    I would have simply been disappointed about it and called off any more association, except that I felt as though I had been the reason for him drinking. The evening before, we were talking on the phone and sharing very intimate ideas and emotions. As it turned out, he decided to drink during the call. This made the drinking part of my emotional life, because I had shared so much and he had shared so much. I had begun to care for him. I did not want to just leave the relationship and him–so what should I do?

    I have decided to seek to understand first. And I will take action as I learn what the action should be.

    So this First Step teaches me that I am powerless over alcohol. And this makes me understand that it was not my fault that he chose to drink during that call. And it teaches that my life had become unmanageable–but I do not understand that part.

    My life is not unmanageable when it comes to alcohol abuse, because this relationship is too new. So does this Step predict my future if I choose to stay with him? And if so, should that fact be the deal killer? Why bring chaos into my life with alcoholism when I already have to deal with chaos from several other issues going on in my life?

    Thank you for the opportunity to share. The journey begins.

  47. Samii says:

    I have been in these rooms for years. Like many, there was no active alcoholism in my family of origin. It appears my grandfather stopped drinking for years or even decades. But, my mom was still affected as I was. He died before I was born, but the “ism’s” of alcoholism were there and I picked them up. Some were obsessive worry over money, loved ones, and other problems.

    I lived with a lot of fear and anxiety. I was a people-pleaser. I had a lot of guilt and low self-esteem. In these rooms, I have found a way to cope with life. I learned I am powerless over others. I am not powerless over my own happiness and serenity. I learned I am not a victim, but a volunteer. I learned to set boundaries and to love myself.

    All I can say to those who read this post is that you are not alone. Try this program, join an on-line meeting. Consider going to face-to-face meetings to learn more. You are worth it and no one has to live in the chaos and pain caused by alcoholism (please notice I did not say the alcoholic). It is a family disease and many of us have been traumatized or affected by the disease—not just the drinker.

    There is help and hope!

  48. Don says:

    This was what I was looking for this morning. The alcoholic closest to me hasn’t had a drink in over three decades. Since we’ve been together for less than five years, it’s pretty clear to me that I didn’t cause her sobriety. That leads me back to the assertion in Al-Anon’s Step One that we’re powerless over alcohol, and I wonder how that’s helpful for me.

    I grew up in a tea-totaler religious community, so there was no drinking in my childhood home. For an active alcoholic, I’d have to go back at least to the grandfather who died years before my birth, after having sworn off the bottle and taken up the bible. Thus alcohol doesn’t appear to be a looming giant in my life.

    Be that as it may, I have plenty of misery: unhappy with my career, fretful about not having time for non-earning activities that bring joy into my life. So powerless over money and the political economy, powerless over others, powerless over my own thwarted dreams, powerless over distractions, yes.

    Am I making the drinking of ancestors long gone into a scape goat for my real challenges? Does being married to a sober alcoholic automatically make me a good candidate for Al-Anon? Is my spending time with Al-Anon tools the best way to seek healing from the things that distress me?

    I don’t have answers right now. Sharing the questions may bring me to more clarity, and I thank everyone who brought me this opportunity.

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